Being Judged by Others, Even Though They’re Flawed

Good morning! So sorry I missed yesterday. My computer would not allow me to access the back end of the blog, so I couldn’t write the blog. Today, it is cooperating… The search phrase I picked out is being judged by others, even though they’re imperfect themselves, even though they are displaying negative behavior.

It is my belief that we are being judged by others when they feel insecure and unsure about themselves. They are blowing out our light to make their light shine brighter. They feel “less than,” and putting us down builds them up – in their mind. The thing is, if we’re wise to them and their method, they don’t have to be built up. In fact, if we realize they’re putting us down to build themselves up, we can stop their behavior in its tracks.

We can bring to the attention of others that they are judging us negatively and to stop that behavior. Of course, this will most likely bring on a confrontation. None-the-less, speaking up against the verbal abuse is an option. When we are being judged by others, we can also just ignore what they say, knowing the reason behind their judgment. This is known as turning the other cheek.

So, we have a choice here and it depends upon the situation. If we are likely to enrage the other person who is judging us negatively, putting us in a dangerous situation, we may wish to just know deep within that what they are saying is not true. If, on the other hand, they are rational, and a conversation can be had in which we can bring up their judgment of us, then we will want to do so in the hopes that they can see their behavior and alter it.

In any event, know that when we are being judged by others, they are actually reflecting how they feel about themselves, and we would do well to not take it personally. If we do take it personally, we will likely develop anger and resentment toward the other person. I did this with my father when I was growing up, for the verbal abuse he slung my way. It took me 54 years to get past that to an understanding of his pain, and to get to forgiveness.

How do you treat others when you are feeling less than and insecure about who you are? Do you judge them harshly?

In closing, I have two points: First, I will be hosting the radio show W4CY.com every Monday afternoon at 3 pm PST. The name of the show is Transform Into Forgiveness. I imagine we will have discussions about how to get past being judged by others.

Second, I am starting two support groups called Opening the Gates of Your Heart. These groups will be in the San Francisco Bay Area in Marin and will focus on getting through grief and past resentment to forgiveness. Group one will meet every 2nd and 4th Monday from 10-11 am PST, starting February 11th. The second group will meet every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 1:30-2:30 pm, also PST, starting February 14th.

Both groups will run for 3 months and cost is $35 per month. Both groups will meet at the Wells Fargo Bank in San Rafael, 1203 4th Street, 2nd Floor, 94901. There is parking in the rear of the building, and you would go through the double doors in the rear. Take the elevator to the 2nd floor. For more information and to register, call me at 415-883-8325, or email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com.  

 

 

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How I Found the Gift of Forgiveness

There was a definite advantage for me in finding the gift of forgiveness. It is a gift for you, as it frees your heart of the resentment, anger, and hurt which you harbor. When you forgive, it adds a great deal of inner peace to your life.

According to Webster, to forgive is to give up resentment and the desire to punish someone, to pardon them, to overlook one’s transgressions. This is not to say you condone what another has done. Yet, you give up the need to punish them with your silence, or scorn, or anger.

Finding the Gift of Forgiveness

Tiers of Forgiveness

Forgiveness for me happened in tiers. And it involved many years of tears. There was a period of years in my life when I endured much physical and verbal abuse; the details are not important.

What is noteworthy is that I was told repeatedly during those years that I was worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. Needless to say, I started to feel very worthless.

I went on with life, resenting this person who had bestowed the extreme physical and emotional hurt upon me. I seethed inside. I made snide comments to punish them, or withheld my love and attention as a way to further punish. 

Then I became sober. I had to look at what was done without having alcohol to numb the pain, and it was excruciating to do so. I did it because I had no choice but to go through the pain if I wanted to heal. And I wanted desperately to heal. 

I was doing a self-appraisal one day, looking at all my relationships with men that I had had over the years. I realized that for each of them, I would get drunk and scream at them how worthless they were, that they were no good, and would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember and to admit this to myself! What a horrible thing to have said! I realized I did not mean it, that I was feeling those things about myself, and just took out my anguish on them.

Suddenly, I wondered if the person who said those things to me felt the same way – felt worthless and no good about themselves, and that is why they screamed those words at me.  I saw myself with compassion, knowing what extreme pain I was in at the time. This allowed me to believe that the person who abused me was also in great pain at the time, and I was able to feel compassion for them, also.

This didn’t excuse my behavior, and I have since apologized to these men, but the psychological and spiritual damage was done. Yet, by acknowledging how I said these things, and applying compassion to both myself and the person who abused me, I was able to forgive myself, and the person who had said them to me. Years of anger and  resentment slipped away. I have since gained peace from years of abuse. 

What are the ways in which you are withholding forgiveness? Is it getting in the way of your peace of mind? Tomorrow we will look at ways you can learn to offer forgiveness, so you can gain peace, too.

 

 

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