self-appraisal • Creating Peace Through Forgiveness

7 – Day Forgiveness Challenge – Day 5

April 10, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you and welcome back to our forgiveness challenge! Today, you will look at your not-so-good actions, behaviors, and qualities. This is necessary in order to determine if you did something to get the ball rolling in the resentment.

Got ready to make two more lists. First, list out your not-so-hot qualities, the things upon which you want to improve. Be honest with yourself. Know that we each have a side of undesirable traits.

Then, consider the past week. List out all the not-so-desireable things you said and did. See all of this objectively, without getting upset over your areas that need improvement. In fact, look at what you identify as just that – areas needed for improvement.

Now, think about the person with whom you have a resentment, an anger, and consider the following two points:

Do you do the same thing that the other person did for which you are angry? In other words, are you angry about something that you, yourself, do? If you can honestly say yes, then you need to drop your resentment and realize that you and the other person are fallible human beings. It helps to laugh at yourself…
Explore the beginning of the hurt which you resent. Then consider, did you get the ball ruling? Did you say or do something that was not-so-nice, to which the other person reacted like any normal human being would, in a predictable fashion? If you said or did something mean to John and John reacted by doing something which then hurt you, recognize that you got the ball rolling; you started the whole disagreement. In this case, it is time to become humble. See yourself as a fallible human being. Drop your anger and resentment and apologize, if needed. Don’t forget to give forgiveness to yourself.

This part of the process can be difficult and you may be tempted to brush off your negative behavior. I would caution you not to do that, and urge you to look with honesty and humility at your behavior. If you are having difficulty conducting this part of the self-appraisal, or in looking at the role you played in the whole resentment, I am available for coaching you through it. That’s what I do. Simply call me at 415-883-9325 to schedule a time to talk. Or, email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com.

I wish you well with this part of the forgiveness process, and hope that you can put what you illuminate to good use.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, how to forgive, self-appraisal

Celebrate Gratitude for Who You Are

March 23, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Hello and good morning to each of you! I am filled with gratitude for the day and wish to share that with you. And I am going to take it one step further and ask you to celebrate yourself for who you are!

If you have finished the positive list for your self-appraisal, then you will want to celebrate with gratitude what you have discovered. Be loud and proud to yourself about who you are in all your greatness, all your glory, all your light. Cultivate deep knowingness about who you are, what you have to offer the world, for you have much to give.

Offer gratitude for all your experiences, both positive and negative, that have shaped who you are today, for without ALL your experiences, you wouldn’t be “you” today. Be grateful for your life and all it has taught you, for all you have learned.

Write with your non-dominant hand – printing is easier – all the feelings that arise as you read this post and contemplate your beingness, and especially those of gratitude. Be humble and ecstatic about what and who you are, what and who you find.

Have you started your week’s long listing of all the positive things you thought, said, and did during the past week? Don’t forget to do that. Be in deep gratitude for all of those positive things. Celebrate them, celebrate you!

I hope your feelings of gratitude for who and what you are carry you forth through this day and all the days to come! It all starts from your list of positive traits and characteristics. So have at it… celebrate gratitude! Celebrate you! Have a splendid day!

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: expressing gratitude, grateful, gratitude, how to do a self-appraisal, self-appraisal

How Are You Doing on Your Self-Appraisal?

March 22, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning everyone! : ) I wish for you each a fabulous Friday, filled with much light and joy!

Since yesterday’s post was so long, I want to keep today’s much shorter. If you made it all the way through yesterday’s, bravo and thank you for sticking through it to the end.

I am curious how it all sat with you, how you took it. Many people are scared to death to do a self-appraisal and procrastinate doing it out of fear. They believe that what they will find is a hollow and empty self, or an inherently bad person. These could not be farther from the truth, though.

When I first did a self-appraisal, I was newly sober and was anxious, to say the least. I was sure I would find this bad person. After all, that’s what I’d been told all my life, right? That I was worthless, would never amount to anything, that I was fat, stupid, and ugly. These were horrible messages to hear and they scarred me badly.

So it was with much trepidation that I looked at myself. At first, and for many months, all I could see was my negative. I had no idea what-so-ever how to be loud and proud about who I was. After all, there was nothing to be proud about. Nonetheless, I set about doing my self-appraisal.

And I mean to tell you, the effect was astounding. At first, I felt deeply ashamed, but later, after talking to someone about what I had discovered, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. Over the years, I have repeated the process, repeated my self-appraisal, and today I can list out my positive qualities without shame or hesitation. I have become a whole person, I think, and the self-appraisal was a huge part of why that occurred.

My whole point in saying all of this is to offer you hope if you are hesitating in doing this exercise. Know that you will be heartened and filled up, not disheartened and beaten down. I recommend doing the positives first for a very specific reason – to counteract all the negatives you may have been told while growing up. If you have no such negatives, I am so happy for you, for you are truly blessed. Then listing your positives will flow easily onto the page.

One thing you could try, which I forgot to mention, is printing the list with your non-domiinant hand. That will cause you to tap into the “other” side of your brain, and all sorts of deep things will flow out without restriction.

So, my heart is with you each as you embark upon your self-appraisal. May it be an enlightening and happy experience for you.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: how to do a self-appraisal, self-appraisal, the merits of a self-appraisal

How to Complete a Self-Appraisal

March 21, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning on this fine and clear day! May you have clarity and goodness in your day today!

Yesterday, I received an email from a dear friend who reads my blog, questioning things which I plan to address in today’s blog. For example, they asked about what to list out. I hope I have addressed that fully in this post. Then, the question was raised, what is honesty? I will further discuss that also.

So, how do you do a self-appraisal?

First, you gather willingness… willingness to look at yourself honestly. When I say honestly, I mean looking at your positive points first and giving yourself full credit for all your positive traits, all the positive ways in which you treat others and yourself. We often shy away from being honest about who we are, having been told that is conceited to do so. But we need to objectively assess who we are in our totality. We do this not to brag about ourselves, rather, to humbly look at who we are in our totality.

On the negative side, being honest means being willing to admit you screwed up when you did, that you treated others or yourself poorly. It is embarrassing to admit these things about ourselves, and that is part of being willing to be honest…

For example, I find myself sometimes acting in a very selfish manner, thinking of myself when I could be considering the other. In those situations, I seem to do things for others because there is something in it for me, before I give with no thought of what I’ll get out of it – giving without expecting or wanting in return. That’s somewhat embarrassing to say, yet, it is honest.

What I do with that information, that realization, is to be aware in the future of when I start to do something for another. I can assess my motives and change them, as indicated, come at it from a different angle.

It is important to add gentleness and compassion when you look at your negative side, the side that needs improvement, or else you would beat yourself up unmercifully. Having said these things, let’s start with how to do the appraisal…

After becoming willing to get honest, list out your positive qualities and traits on a piece of paper. List them all out. Get generous with yourself. No one else is going to see this, so brag about yourself to yourself only. Be loud and proud on paper. Then sit with, “be” with, this list of traits. Let it sink in that this is you that you have listed out in all your goodness and glory. Get comfortable with feeling the light from seeing your good qualities and traits. You are trying to counteract any negative things you have been told throughout your life.

Now, take the past week and list out every good deed, kindness, and generous thing you did during the week. List it all out. If you had a kind thought about someone, list that out, too. Then allow this to sink in for a few days. Bask in your goodness. Know that at your core, you are light.

Next, turn your attention to your negative side, the side that needs improvement. We all have one, you know. List all the negative things about yourself that you do not like. Include the negative things you tell yourself. Consider the past week and list out all the mean, nasty, and unkind things you did or thought during that time. Don’t hold back, yet do not beat yourself up. Do it honestly, from an objective viewpoint.

Consider each point and look at each with compassion for yourself, a wounded person so much so that it led you to act in a negative manner. Now, right all wrongs. This may mean apologizing to some people. If this is the case, get humble yet not subservient. Drop the hostility, the defiance. Apologize with your heart and soul. Sometimes, apology is not advised; this is when it would hurt the other person more, cause them damage in some way.

When you have completed your self-appraisal, you will feel a cleanness about yourself. You will be right with the world and yourself. Resolve to keep an active and current eye on your behaviors, celebrating yourself for your wins and correcting the negative as you move through each day.

I hope this clarifies your questions, dear friend. Thank you again for raising them. : ) And I hope for all of you that by doing a self-appraisal, you find more freedom and peace. Leave a comment if you found this to be useful for you.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassion for myself, compassion for others, emotional freedom, freedom, how to do a self-appraisal, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, self-appraisal

The Merits of a Self-Appraisal

March 20, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you and happy day. It is the wee hours of the morning and I just popped awake, so here I am. : ) Today, I am going to respond to the search term “the merits of self-appraisal.”

In my experience, doing a self-appraisal is the key that has allowed me to move to inner peace. Although difficult at first to look at myself, doing it has become a routine occurrence. By doing a self-appraisal on a regular basis, it keeps me on top of the things that I need to correct in my life, in other words, my behavior and my thoughts. And it allows me to see and acknowledge my goodness.

I have found that doing a self-appraisal leads to inner peace and emotional freedom because I am “clean,” my motives are pure and less selfish in nature. Also, if I have done something to offend someone, I can right that in the moment that I do the appraisal. And, by seeing my goodness, I am not so hard on myself, do not beat myself up so much.

One of the great benefits of doing a self-appraisal is that it paves the way to forgiveness, which leads to the creation of more inner peace and emotional freedom. It keeps a check on me getting angry at others for doing the very same thing I am doing, and if I get the ball rolling in a disagreement, it allows me to see that.

A self-appraisal allows me to keep abreast of what I am telling myself about myself… in other words, my negative self-talk. When I engage in this, I can correct it right then and there.

There is such a feeling of freedom when you incorporate a self-appraisal into your everyday life, your everyday happenings. At first, listing out my behaviors was difficult and I did so with great shame. Over the years, however, I have learned to see my negative behavior with compassion, as I was a wounded person at the time I committed whatever I committed.

That is not to say compassion is an excuse to not be responsible and accountable for my behavior. Oh, no. I need to own my negative behavior. The beauty in owning it is that I feel pure when I have done so. It is a practice in humility rather than shame. It allows me to remember that I am a fallible human being.

These are just some of the merits of a self-appraisal. Try it yourself and you’ll feel lighter, brighter, more at home with yourself. If you want to learn how to do a self-appraisal, join me tomorrow as I describe, step-by-step, how to do one.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: emotional freedom, freedom, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance evaluation, self-appraisal, the merits of a self-appraisal

Treating Others Badly Is a Reflection of How We Feel About Ourselves

February 22, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, everyone. I hope the day dawns clearly and brightly for you, in every way. Today, I liked the search term, “hateful treatment of others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.” Ah, this is so true. I had to change the wording a little to be within the allotted number of characters in the title…

Practice of Tolerance

In my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, I have a stanza in the verse, Practice of Tolerance, that speaks to the issue of how we treat others when we are not feeling good about ourselves.

I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

When I used to be in in this space, I found fault with everything that others did, was very critical. Later, after several years in sobriety, I began to feel better about myself and my treatment of others began to change.

The closing stanza of the verse for Practice of Tolerance is, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own. It was only after I felt better about myself that I could realize I didn’t need to be compared with others, to others, and I stopped criticizing them.

When we feel badly about ourselves, we tend to take that self-hate and project it on to others, being very mean and hateful. Perhaps, when we witness this or are a recipient of the mean and nasty behavior, we could have an understanding of what is really goiing on, rather than strike back.

We can end the cycle of abuse right then and there by not responding, knowing that someone’s mean behavior is most likely due to their low self-esteem or self-hatred. We can, instead, see this person with compassion for the wounded person that they are, for they ARE wounded.

The other thing we can do when another’s behavior is abusive to us, is to say to them, “I will not tolerate your verbal abusiveness.” Then, we can walk away. Yes, yes, easier said than done and some people will become infuriated when we do this. Yet, to state we will not tolerate verbal abuse is to stick up for our soul, our very spirit.

Today, take a look at how you treat others. Is it mean and hateful? If you identify this, can you then do some self-examination and determine if you are feeling badly about yourself? If this is the case, if you recognize this, have compassion for yourself, a wounded person, or perhaps pushed past your tolerance level, and make changes to how you are treating another.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: self-appraisal, self-assessment, self-examination

How to Conduct a Self-Appraisal

January 7, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Good morning! I hope your day is filled with lightness and joy. Today the search term I want to address is conducting a self-appraisal. This is a look at ourselves, a performance evaluation if you will, and it has great benefit.

The purpose of a self-appraisal is to determine how we are coming across in the world. It is a way to assure we are treating ourselves and others with kindness, tolerance, and respect. Many believe that this is an exercise designed to beat ourselves up, but that is not the true way to do a self-appraisal. Let’s look at another way to do one.

The first thing to do when conducting a self-appraisal is to identify all of our positive points. List out in writing all of the things that we like about ourselves, all the things that others say are positive about us.

We study this list to praise ourselves and to realize that we are good people at our core. We don’t do it to brag or flaunt our positive points. Rather, we are humble about our goodness and we see our positive points as gifts.

Next, we take a block of time – a week, two weeks, or a month – and list out all of the positive things we did during that time period. We are looking at all of the positive actions and behaviors we performed during this time period. We are not braggarts in this exercise, nor are we demeaning or disregarding of our behavior and actions. Once these positive points are identified, we sit with them, being with them, allowing them to sink into our consciousness and awareness.

Then, to continue our self-appraisal, we turn our attention to our negative and less-than-desireable actions and behaviors. This is done in a fact-finding fashion. In other words, we do not identify these things so we can beat ourselves up or feel guilt and remorse, although these may surface.

When we identify our negative points, our poor behaviors – and we all have them – we resolve to be responsible for our behavior by owning it. To own it, we first become aware and conscious of it, then we do whatever is necessary to change it. This part of the self-appraisal involves either apologizing for our actions or resolving to not repeat the behavior. We do not apologize if it will be hurtful to another; we simply change our behavior.

We are totally honest in this part of the self-appraisal, not cutting ourselves slack or giving excuses for our bad behavior and actions. The point is to shine the light of consciousness and awareness on them. Once we have done this, we own it, as I said above.

Bad behavior includes gossip, by the way, as this is spiritual assassination of another. We stop engaging in this behavior as a way to apologize to the one we denigrated. Often, we have done something that was mean to another, they reacted in a predictable, human way, and we are now resentful of their response to our meanness. If this is the case for us, we let go of the resentment and apologize, if it’s appropriate.

The benefits of a self-appraisal are that we feel more peace, more freedom of mind and heart. We become more gentle, tolerant, and respectful of people. Inside, the feelings we have for ourselves improve, become stronger and more positive.

I cannot say enough how freeing doing a self-appraisal is. We will be amazed at the benefits we experience. It will make us better people, less angry and bitter toward others In fact, the article I wrote on going from anger to forgiveness spells out the entire process and is something you will want to read. You can get it by leaving your name and email to the right. So leave them now and you will receive the article, which will further this process of the self-appraisal.

Armed now with the way to do a self-appraisal, we can now enjoy the peace and freedom we experience.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: freedom, freedome, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal

Self-Appraisal Leads to Inner Peace

September 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Well, it’s been a few days of a heavy topic, and today I’m going to lighten things up. I’m going to talk about my experience at a networking event last night, and my discovery of how a self-appraisal saved the evening.

I had a vendor’s table at a women’s networking event and it was a shopping extravaganza… except at my table. Oh, I had several lookers, but no one bought my book, nor any of the numerous photographs of wrought-iron gates I had displayed. It was very disappointing, very disappointing indeed.

I had come armed with a full box of books (weighing 56# I might add…), a box of framed photographs, and a box of flyers and other info to lay out. Luckily, the tables were 8 feet, so I had room to create a pleasing arrangement of all my wares. The people that stopped by were admiring of my work, but no one bought. I was occupied with my own table, and didn’t see if they were buying from other vendors.

I could come up with all sorts of excuses why I didn’t sell, but I think I know why they didn’t buy. I think it was because I had too much on my table, too many choices. Like the monkey that has two bananas to choose from and can’t make up it’s mind so chooses none, so I believe it was with my table.

Anyway, throughout the course of the evening, I was chosen to come up in front of the audience and state what I do, so I said I work with Vietnam vets to help them find forgiveness of the American people for how they were treated when they returned home. Afterward, a man approached my booth. I could see from his name tag that it was Stan.

Stan outstretched his hand, and said, “I’m a Vietnam vet and I want to thank you for the work that you are doing.” Boy, that made the evening worthwhile, to have let another vet know there is hope on the other side of the resentment, the bitterness. I was humbled. He even took my card to pass along the word of my work.

Earlier in the day, I had stumbled across a site that was a group of Vietnam Vets in San Quentin. I wanted to become a part of the volunteers who visit these men at that prison. I had, after all, visited a friend in Quentin for several years, so was familiar with going into the prison. I discovered, to my disappointment, that because I had been a visitor, I could not be a volunteer. Boy, and I was so excited to be able to go in and talk with the group… So my disappointment of the evening was a continuation, in part, of earlier news.

Let’s look for a minute at the lack of sales last night. I could use excuse after excuse, but as I said earlier, I believe it was because I had too much on the table, too many choices. In other words, I found a reason why what I was doing was not working, rather than blame it on everything else… like, they gave me a bad spot, etc.

The ability to look at myself, to look at my actions and how they contributed to a negative outcome has just occurred for me in sobriety. Being able to do that has been very freeing. No longer do I go seething about, looking for something outside of myself to blame. I can hold myself accountable. I can do a self-appraisal, a performance eval, and see how I contributed to a situation. Again, how very freeing this has been.

It took some practice over time, but my ability to go to seeing my part in something by doing a self-appraisal has been finely honed and I go right there, well, almost right there. The cool thing is, I have 2 more big events coming up during which I can test my theory by having just a few things on my table. I’ll let you know how that works.

Today, when you are tempted to blame everyone and everything around you for your difficulties, take a look at what role you played in the affair. How did you contribute to the negative outcome? Take a look, be humble and willing to accept responsibility for your part. It all starts with a self-appraisal, and a smile at yourself.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance evaluation, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Right to be Respected and Respect Others

September 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The right to be respected and respect others… one of the search terms that led someone to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to speak of this topic… respect of self and others…

What is it about respecting ourselves and others that has so many people stumped? I mean, they don’t do it easily. That is evidenced by all the fighting that occurs… between people, between nations, between our own ears. Why is it so difficult for us to respect ourselves and others? That’s what I want to know.

I suspect it is fear… fear of something and I’m not sure what. Usually, behind shunning or disrespect is the inability to live and let live, to accept the differences of others and delight in the differences that they present. You see, the differences that others present is the rich fabric of our lives. The more we engage in celebrating the differences of others, the more respect we can offer them.

Maybe people are unable to respect others because they feel insecure in themselves. Perhaps, they need someone to put down in order to build themselves up. That’s a sad commentary, isn’t it? The fact is that we are all different and unique and in that uniqueness, lies our beauty. “One is not more beautiful than another, if we will only look, if we will only see.”

These are the words from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The title of the verse and photo which are paired with these words is Cultivation of Differences. The photo shows the knobs of a gate and the knobs, three of them, are black, brown, and yellow. Clearly, I am making a statement about cultivating the differences between people of different color.

In my book, I go through a process of how to get to the point of respecting and tolerating not only others, but ourselves as well. I wonder whether we stumble in our self-respect and tolerance because we are feeling unworthy as a being. Feeling unworthy is not a fun place to be. It leads to all sorts of maladies, and lack of self-respect is just one of them.

So, if you are one who feels unworthy about yourself, showing no self-respect, then what can you do? How can you move through that? One thing you can do is a performance appraisal, a self-appraisal. Specifically, do the part of the appraisal where you identify all your good points, all of the positive things about yourself.

From that, determine what you do in your daily life to honor those positive points about yourself. Is not respect for who you are warranted? I suspect it is. In fact, I know it is, for we are each worthy, valuable, and to be respected. Look at how you treat yourself. Is it with respect or do you speak of yourself, treat yourself, poorly, with condemnation?

This is not advisable, for it erodes your spirit, your soul. It erodes the essence of who you are at your core. At your core is beauty, uniqueness, worthiness. Are these not issues to be respected for? I think they are.

Look at yourself. Take a hard and deep look within and see what you are doing in your life to respect yourself and others. Once you can show respect for all, you will know a new kind of peace. Sobriety is easier to maintain when you begin to respect yourself and others.

Just remember one thing… someone else’s importance or traits does not detract from your own greatness. The world is big enough to hold all of us in our greatness and this is worthy of respect.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance appraisal, respect, respectful, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

The Right to be Respected and Respect Others

September 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The right to be respected and respect others… one of the search terms that led someone to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to speak of this topic… respect of self and others…

These are the words from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The title of the verse and photo which are paired with these words is Cultivation of Differences. The photo shows the knobs of a gate and the knobs, three of them, are black, brown, and yellow. Clearly, I am making a statement about cultivating the differences between people of different color.

Just remember one thing… someone else’s importance or traits does not detract from your own greatness. The world is big enough to hold all of us in our greatness and this is worthy of respect.

Find Peace By Doing a Performance Appraisal

September 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Standing strong in your truths is the search term from yesterday that applies to today’s post. Today we’re going to talk about one way to find peace through conducting a performance appraisal, a self-assessment. It requires that you stand strong in your truths about who and what you are, how you act and behave toward others and yourself. It requires that you be honest with yourself about yourself.

I have a friend who is all balled up over this issue. He has pushed away people that have been friends for 40 years. He is indignant about being called on the carpet for being verbally abusive to his wife. He has now disowned all his friends and his son for pointing that fact out to him. The thing is, he is not taking responsibility for his bad behavior toward his wife.

He WAS verbally abusive to his wife during a gathering of friends in Vegas last year. He is not taking responsibility for that bad behavior, though. Instead, he sees that his woes are caused by everyone else… his friend and his son when, in fact, he brought the critique on himself through his actions and words.

Many people do not look at their part in a situation, instead blaming others for their woes. Nine times out of ten, they are experiencing their woes because of their own behavior. In other words, they brought their woes upon themselves. If this is ever pointed out to them, they get huffy and indignant, like, “How dare you say such things to me.” What the person is failing to do in this situation is to get humble, and admit to their shortcoming(s).

To do a performance appraisal, find a block of time where you can do some writing and reflecting. Start by listing all of your positive points down. Then, list out your positive actions and behaviors for the past week or the past month. The objective is to identify the good things that make up who you are at your core.

Next, list out your negative behaviors and actions, including negative thoughts about yourself. Be honest. Be humble and accept that you are a human being who is human and who erred. Accept responsibility for your actions… be accountable for yourself.

Once you are, you may find that you owe another an apology. Do so and relay to them the way in which you were wrong. Don’t beat yourself up for your behavior; just vow to not repeat it if you can help it. Use it as a learning tool, a tool of self-discovery.

Once you complete your performance appraisal, you will begin to know more peace of heart, more calmness of mind. As you go through each day, continually be on the lookout for ways in which you have erred, have hurt another, and right that wrong quickly.

Today, as you reflect upon your performance appraisal, recognize that you are a human being on a journey of self-discovery, working toward inner peace. I invite you to take responsibility for your actions and words, how you treat others and yourself. See if that doesn’t lead you to more peace-of-mind.

If you are having difficulty doing a performance appraisal, consider setting up a coaching call with me and I can help you through the process. See how by clicking on the “Coaching Services” selection under the “Services” tab above.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal, slef-assessment

Practice Self-Acceptance to Fulfill Your Dream

May 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Acceptance of Self

When you fulfill your dream, the urgings of your heart, you are practicing self-acceptance. Why is that, you may ask?

Your dream is a part of who you are, a part of your make-up. When you say yes to it, when you follow those urgings of your heart, you are expressing that part of you that is God-given, the part of you that is your purpose in life.

You see, your purpose in life is relayed to you in the dream you hold in your heart. To embrace it is to practice self-acceptance.

You have looked at yourself through the self-appraisal you completed. In that appraisal, you will have identified your strong points, and one of them was most likely about your dream.

If not, re-work that part of your self-appraisal to include all the things about yourself to which you aspire, and then identify the strengths you possess that will aid in you reaching those aspirations.

Practicing self-acceptance is a very spiritual place to be. It is a place of deep knowingness that you are okay, that you are perfect just where you are in life and the way you are in life.

You are open to seeing areas where you would like to improve yourself, and you work on those. You will use all the keys we have discussed thus-far, such as willingness, surrender, trust, and courage.

With your practice, you are moving forward in the path to a deep peace about yourself and your life. When you make the commitment to follow your dream and take action, you will be softly and gently veiled with grace and wonder about all that falls into place for you.

I have recently had that experience. It has been happening for the last 3 months. I had decided to expand my speaking, and suddenly, I was introduced to several workshops about just that – how to become a dynamic speaker.

When I think about why I am speaking, I get a calm sense of knowingness that it is my intended purpose in life. What I am speaking about is the 3 Secrets to Making Peace with Your Life. I feel there are people out there who are experiencing bitterness and misery. Heck, I speak to enough of them! That’s what I experienced for 53 years of my life.

But it changed, and it can change for you, too. Life can become full of great joy and peace. That’s why I blog about the topics in the book – because they go through the process I discovered that led the way to peace. I want to share that with the world.

Today, consider your dream, the tuggings of your heart. Think about how you would feel if that came true. Keep that vision in your heart, and accept that dream, that vision, as a part of who you are. Practice self-acceptance.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, path to peace, peace, performance review, self-acceptance, self-appraisal

Search Your Heart, Discover Your Dream

April 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Search of Self

One way to find your true path, your dream, is to search your heart by doing a self-appraisal. Buried in this exercise is one way to find your dream.

A self-appraisal is like a performance evaluation. You do it to ferret out your thoughts, beliefs, actions, and behaviors. The point is not to beat yourself up, but to discover your core self.

When you uncover and follow what lies in your heart, you are well on your way to peace because you will be following your dream.

I believe this is because your heart and soul are connected, and when you are doing what your heart urges you to do, you are doing what your soul’s purpose is.

When you do your soul’s purpose, you are in synch with your true purpose in life, and that brings you peace. All this from looking within.

When searching yourself, look first at your positive points, actions, words, and thoughts. Look at ways in which your behavior helped another, or made them feel better about themselves. Then look at how they helped raise you up so that you learned some positive points about yourself.

Then think of things you said to another to build them up. After that, think of your self-talk and determine what you are saying to yourself. Are you positive and encouraging? If not, this is your goal.

Your goal is to identify your positive points and then acknowledge your goodness.

Now it is time to look at your negative thoughts, words, and deeds. In what ways have you torn down another, said disparaging words to them, talked badly of them behind their back, denigrated their spirit?

How do you talk to yourself? What do you believe about yourself and do you denigrate YOUR spirit?

When you shine the light of awareness on your shortcomings, you can begin to heal and change your negative behavior toward others and yourself.

While you are doing this exercise, keep in touch with a friend, spouse, or family member so they can offer you support and clarify your behavior by offering their unbiased perspective. Ask them to provide that for you.

You will find that you uncover some delightful and beautiful things about yourself. You will also discover some embarrassing or damaging things you thought, said, or did. Take ownership of them all. Apologize as indicated if it will not be hurtful to another.

This may be a difficult exercise to complete, as it may bring up some uncomfortable emotions. Stick with it and try to be present through it without self-medicating for a set period every day.

What you find will eventually lead you to peace in your soul and that is one of the things you are searching for, right? Look honestly but fairly at your heart. What do you see? What are you doing to follow your heart’s longings, your dreams?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: heart, performance evaluation, self-appraisal

Staying Sober Using a Performance Appraisal

February 25, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Search of Self

One of the most powerful tools we can use to get and stay sober is a performance appraisal. This is something we want to learn to do on an on-going, daily basis. Performing a self-appraisal will lead us to peace.

We are looking at all our curls, our shades of tan and rust, so-to-speak, as well as our shadows, our dark side. Right in the middle of it all, we will find our heart, shining brightly.

How do we do a performance appraisal? We begin by listing out our positive points, the ways in which we treat ourselves and others with kindness, tolerance, and respect.

We add to that list the things that we do well. We do this objectively and honestly, knowing that we are not bragging or flaunting our positiveness; rather, we are getting to the bottom of who we are at our core.

Next, we write down all the ways in which we have hurt others, ways we have been intolerant, unkind, disrespectful, ways we have hurt them spiritually. It takes courage to admit to these things, yet, it is necessary to illuminate our being.

Remember, we are looking for our heart that shines, like the knob in the picture above. Once we have listed out our positive and negative aspects, we want to next list out people with which we are angry or resentful, and why. Look at this list carefully. This is the key to the performance appraisal. This is the key to peace.

We look at the third list and notice what has angered us about others’ actions. Now, consider all the times we did the very same things for which we are angry. If we are honest with ourselves, I believe we will find that we have, in fact, done most or all of these things ourselves.

Once we discover this, we allow it to sink in to a very deep level. Recognize that we, as well as the other person with whom we are angry, is human, that we are displaying our humanness. We take this information and “be” with it for a while, not to beat ourselves up, but to realize that we, too, do things which are not kind, not tolerant, not respectful. We don’t like to look at these things about ourselves, yet, they are key to finding sobriety and peace.

Given this realization, we can feel our “aha!” moment. Once we realize that we do the very things we are angry at another for, we can let go of our anger with compassion for both the other person and ourselves.

There will be things for which we are angry that we have not done ourselves, such as abuse. For these, there is a way to get to forgiveness, and we will discuss that when we come to forgiveness.

With our lists, we have a good idea of who we are at a soul level. We can celebrate our positive points and resolve to do things differently to manage our negative side. To do that, we ask for help from our Source. We also talk to someone that we trust to relay what we have found so we don’t keep it bottled up inside to “stew” on.

Today, look at yourself in a new light. Take the time to conduct a performance appraisal and discover the delightful and not-so-delightful things about yourself. Use this list objectively, to improve yourself. Know that once you have looked at yourself in this new light, it is something you want to do daily to keep yourself on track.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: finding peace, honest, honesty, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Acceptance of Ourselves As We Are

January 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

We continue to move on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, as we work our way to sobriety and inner peace.

Acceptance of Self

We have come to Acceptance of Self. “Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

“Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, and our spirit?”

I firmly believe that each of us has a truly delightful soul that has often become over-ridden by the hurt and pain we have endured throughout the course of our lives. Our response to these experiences is to close up, to protect ourselves, sometimes treating others or ourselves badly.

In the process of doing that, we forget that we have that delightful soul and spirit that awaits our recognition. Or, perhaps, we focus on our flaws and, so, see ourselves as “less than,” or unworthy.

At some point, we have to just give up, surrender, our negative thoughts about ourselves and celebrate our humanness – celebrate who we are in our soul. We have to gain acceptance of who we are. For in our soul is a good being, if only we can recognize this.

Our efforts need to be focused on our positive points. That is not to say we ignore our flaws, which we all have because we’re human. But we have in place a method for dealing with the hurts we cause others and ourselves through our flaws. It is the self-appraaisal which we discussed a few blogs back. We need to practice doing an appraisal and amends, as appropriate, on a daily basis.

Once we are clean with others, we turn our attention to ourselves. We forgive ourselves for our transgressions, and we just accept ourselves as we are. I say that like it’s easy, but it is not. The key is willingness to let go of our negative beliefs and treatment of ourselves, allowing that delightful spirit to emerge. We surrender to who we are at our core.

When we do these things, we will find a deep and abiding peace, and we will be that much more able to stay sober.

For today, allow your spirit, your soul, to emerge. Clean up ragged relationships with others and yourself. Then, just give up and accept yourself as you are, knowing that, in your soul, you are a valuable human being.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acceptance, acceptance of self, living sober, performance evaluation, self-acceptance, self-appraisal, Sober Living, sobriety, surrender, Willingness

How to Forgive in Ten Steps

January 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

As we travel on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to forgiveness. I shall talk about how to forgive, a way I discovered that worked on a 40-year resentment against others from my childhood.

Tiers of Forgiveness

Before sobriety, I spent most of my life angry at others for their mistreatment of me as a child. I drank heavily over it, and spent much time blaming them for my misery.

Then, once sober, I was conducting a self-appraisal, and I realized that I had done to my husband and other men in my life the very same thing that another had done to me… called me worthless.

I was appalled, as I realized I had not meant that. I had said it because I had felt worthless about myself. I began to have compassion for the hurt being and mentally sick person I was in the moments that I said that.

Then I realized that if I had felt that about myself, maybe that other person did also. Maybe he called me worthless because he felt that about himself.

My compassion expanded to include him. From that, I was able to forgive and years of resentment began to melt away. For me, it occurred over time, in tiers, or stages.

Holding resentments is the number one thing that keeps us from maintaining our sobriety and finding peace. They keep us blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves. In order to gain forgiveness, I suggest the following:

we identify the person(s) against whom we have a resentment
we identify the reason why we feel that resentment
then, we do a self-appraisal and ferret out times when we may have done the very same thing to others for which we resent the person identified in #1.
we are honest about this, and shine the spotlight on our behaviors and own them
chances exist that, at one point in life, we may have done the same thing that was done to us
we look at ourselves with compassion, recognizing our mental anguish at that time
then. we turn our attention to the one we resent and consider that they were feeling mental anguish like we did
we see that person(s) as a sick individual at the point in time that they harmed us
we extend our compassionto include the object of our resentment
in stages, or tiers, we allow for forgiveness to this mentally unbalanced person

In my experience, this is my way of how to forgive. For today, try this exercise and see if it gives you some relief from your resentments. Let us know what happens by leaving a comment, so we can all learn from what you found.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, finding peace, inner peace, peace, self-appraisal, Sober Living, sobriety

Feelings Are Energy In Motion – Humility – Part 1

December 28, 2011 by muz4now Leave a Comment

Guest blogger, Stan Stewart, is a musician, teacher, and technologist. As a certified InterPlay leader and lover of improvised music, Stan teaches and seeks integration of the whole self — experiencing body/mind/spirit as a whole rather than split parts of self — in the present moment.

He says, “What is happening for all of me right now is what I have to work with. I do my best to seek the kind of awareness that will allow me to experience and use all that’s available to me in this moment; and that can inspire me creatively and in my service to the world.”

Carolyn and Stan met on Twitter and now take their connection to the blogosphere with this guest post.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about “translating fear into creative energy“. It probably would have been more precise to call it “translating fear energy into creativity”. In that post, I said that — for me — feelings are energy in motion. This energy can then be used/ translated/ transformed into either positive or negative output (behavior).

Carolyn kindly commented on that post and expressed concern that calling for transformation of the emotional energy could be seen as calling for getting over the feeling. I fully understood her concern, so I started to reflect more on how to allow the feelings to “be” while also not becoming stuck in them.

I would definitely say that feelings should not be ignored or denied. They should be felt and acknowledged. For me, transforming them is a way of being attentive to my feelings.

Since my knee-jerk reactions so often turn emotions into what I later would label negative behavior, I proposed a way to help produce a positive output instead. I’ve had some success with this method and that’s why I wanted to share it. I also prefer creative over destructive outcomes, so I shared it for that reason as well. Part of the backdrop of my post is that I have a judgment that I — like many creative people — can become stuck in fear — or other emotions, like shame — and that this stuckness is not the optimal place for creativity. Creative work requires movement.

…more tomorrow…

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: creativity, fear, living sober, self-appraisal, Sober Living, Stan Stewart

Have You Found Inner Peace?

December 17, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

A Promise of Peace brings us to the conclusion of the book. And I quietly wonder if you have found inner peace, any at all, by going through the book with me this last 42 or so days. I really hope you have…

Promise of Peace

Peace. How do you know peace when it finds you? For me, it is the all-inclusion of everything we have been talking about into my senses, seeing with the eyes of my heart, and feeling a great deal of love for all beings on this Earth.

It is promised to us, if we go through the process that is defined in my book, because in doing so, we learn to love deeply. There is no desire to be in conflict with others. When really in-tune, that includes inner conflict as well.

Does that mean we go through life in this glow? Hardly. That doesn’t happen because we’re human beings and, as such, are a caring and feeling species. Given the ever-constant changes in our lives from day-to-day, and the fact that we react with feelings and emotions, we slip temporarily from that space of centeredness and peace.

So, what is there to do when this happens? Lament the loss of our peaceful existence. even if it was only for five minutes? No, we merely start in by looking at the situation, feeling our feelings, examining our response to situations that have arisen.

Case in point, I am in the middle of something which has the potential to affect how I conduct my life in the future, and I was stunned to realize I was playing the victim role! Wow! I thought I was past that, but it showed up very subtly. So, I am in the process of doing more self-appraising to see what is going on with me that puts me in that mindset.

At the same time, I am feeding myself positive affirmations. These tasks equate to ” taking action,” as we discussed in previous posts. Slowly, I am becoming able to see glimpses of my terror over how this new information could affect my future. How much will I get out from behind that terror to affect my own future? That is the key.

We can affect our own future by the actions we take today, in this moment. What do we do with the fear? We can recognize and feel it, acknowledge that it exists, then walk away from it and take action, and, as needed, allow a glimpse of it again later.

We repeat this again and again until our fear subsides. I believe these issues get raised for us, so that we can take a look at core beliefs, and to heal from the destructive ones. While we do this, we remember to be gentle, kind, and tolerant with ourselves and the others around us. And the result is, we find our center again. We find that peace again.

We even can go to it among the turmoil by distracting ourselves with a favored and cherished activity, one in which you get lost. Your peace will return as a reprieve for what you will again visit to sort out. That’s how it works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: gentle, Gentleness, kind, kindness, peace, promise of peace, self-appraisal, tolerance, tolerant

How to Cultivate Differences with Others

December 6, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

As we return to the book topics, the next one is how we can cultivate differences with others.

The verse which accompanies this image talks about how we ask, require, and demand that others be like us and share our beliefs. But that is comparing one to another, and that practice squashes the spirit of the one being compared.

Cultivation of Differences

It goes on to note that we are like the gates. “Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grow in another… One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… it we will only see…”

The verse to this photo was written in 2002, early in sobriety, when I was dealing with the issue of always having been compared to my sisters and always having been found deficient.

That has had lasting and devastating effects on me, as I have struggled with comparing myself to others. When I engage in this behavior, I always find myself on the short end, “less than” the other, deficient in some way.

Whether we are different in color, customs, or talents, we can cultivate differences with those in our world. We can stop comparing, one to the next, and see each person as unique, with special attributes.

Perhaps, the first thing we can do when we start to cultivate differences between those around us is to refrain from comparing ourselves to others. Instead, we can grow and cultivate our own uniqueness, celebrate our own differences, standiing tall in who we are.

We show humility in who we are, but we claim our goodness, our specialness; we feed our spirit when we do this. Perhaps, when our soul is filled and we feel confident about who we are, we are then free to look at another’s differences in a new light. We are free to grow the differences that we find, to celebrate another’s spirit.

Perhaps, this is the one main thing we can do to allow us to cultivate differences with others, and that is to feel confident in ourselves. Ah, the issue of a self-appraisal comes up again, and we are asked to look closely at who we are, including our special gifts.

If we consider ourselves to be good people, then we are much more apt to think good of another, and to be interested in cultivating the differences we have discovered. We don’t have to defend to another who we are when we feel good about ourselves. We can putter around in our garden, delighting in discovering those around us and their unique gifts.

How do you cultivate differences with those people around you who are different than you? Does it help to have a firm belief in who you are? Share with us the technique you use to cultivate differences with others.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: cultivate differences, humility, self-appraisal, sobriety

Building Self Confidence by Accepting Yourself

November 25, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today we’re going to talk about building self confidence by accepting yourself. This is the next topic in the book, and the verse is:

Acceptance of Self

“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, our spirit?”

You start out as a delightful being, delighted yourself with the world and your surroundings. Over time, you are hurt by others, perhaps told in one way or another that you are not good enough, that you are worthless. You are belittled, criticized. These things erode your self confidence.

You start believing all the negative things you have been told or been shown about yourself, and you start putting yourself down. You are not what someone else wants you to be, so you begin not accepting who you are.

These things are all crazy-making within your heart, your mind. You end up being a confused and hurt person, lacking confidence and wanting to be someone different than you are. This is damaging to your soul.

What if you were to start over and reclaim yourself and who you are? Re-examine the delightful things about yourself and applaud them. Identify your strong points, just as you identify your weak points needing improvement.

Accept that it is all who you are. No need to be ashamed for your weak areas, your negative behavior. Accept that that is who you are and be willing to change those things, but know that that is who you are in the moment.

The more you run away from who you are at this very moment in time, the less likely you will be able to accept yourself and to reclaim self confidence. Seriously, accept that you are that generous, kind person, just as you are a selfish, hurtful person sometimes. Own it – all of it.

If you do not identify and accept who you are at the current time, if you are always denying your bad points, you cannot make changes in yourself. It is in correcting your bad and weak points that you can help grow your self confidence.

When you do your self-appraisal, have the courage and humility to admit to the good that you are and that you do. Go ahead. Praise yourself, pat yourself on the back. Allow seeing your positive points to add to your self confidence. Stand tall in who you really are. Be honest with the world.

Remember to be humble, though. This exercise is not meant to emphasize your superiority, but to enhance the way in which you see yourself so you can raise your self confidence.

Do good for others. This will raise your self confidence immensely. There is nothing like seeing the look of appreciation on another’s face when you do something kind and giving for them.

In short, reclaim that delightful spirit that you are. Take responsibility for your flaws. Do good for others. Most importantly, find kindness, gentleness, compassion, and forgiveness for yourself.

How have these actions helped to raise your self confidence? Have you accepted who you are in both your darkness and your light? Has doing esteem-able acts helped you with your self confidence? Leave a comment. Let us know.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acceptance of self, compassion, courage, forgiveness, humility, kindness, self-appraisal, self-confidence

What is Kindness

November 21, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Curls of Kindness

“If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves, when will it be?” This is the verse from my book, and the next topic we will be discussing today – what is kindness?

Friendly, gentle, tenderhearted, sympathetic, generous, and cordial are all terms Webster uses to define “kind,” with “kindness” being the state or habit of being kind. So that answers what is kindness…

How do you treat others with kindness? Perhaps by using many of the things we have discussed up to this point. Things like being gentle, having compassion, being willing to be kind, and having an open heart can all contribute to acts of kindness.

Having a good sense of who you are is also needed for you to be kind, both to others and to yourself. When you feel more at home with yourself, you have less need to strike out in anger, defensiveness, and fear, or to cut yourself down.

The next time you feel the urge to say a disparaging word about someone, hold that thought and allow your heart to soften. Allow in a kind thought, and say something kind instead. Become willing to do this.

In like fashion, every time you catch yourself saying unkind things to yourself about yourself, come into awareness that you are doing that. Make the choice to stop, and think something kind about yourself instead.

This all may sound easy, yet it takes consciousness and practice. When you have the urge to be unkind, or if you actually are, do a self-appraisal and examine what you were feeling at the time that prompted you to act unkindly. If you were feeling “less than,” treat yourself with compassion and gentleness.

What is kindness to you? What are the ways in which you are kind to others? How about to yourself?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being willing, compassion, cordial, friendly, generous, gentle, self-appraisal, sympathetic, tenderhearted, what is kindness, Willingness

Being Yourself and Standing Strong in Who You Are

November 20, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

Pillar of Strength

This is the verse that accompanies today’s image and topic, being an individual, being yourself and standing strong in who you are. First, however, you need to determine who you really are at your core.

This can be a challenging task, especially if you live in an environment where who you are is not valued and, in fact, is criticized or demeaned.

I lived in such an environment in my marriage, after leaving a home where I was criticized and demeaned during childhood, so for me, it was a lifetime. I learned to be whatever and whomever the other person wanted me to be. I was very good at it.

Therefore, it was very difficult, after I left my 20 year marriage, to determine what my own values and truths were. I was only able to figure this out by staying sober and sticking through the often excruciating emotional times, until I came out on the other side. So have faith; you will come out on the other side

I recommend journalling to ferret out your strengths, your morals, your truths. That worked well for me, anyway. It allows you to write anything you think or feel without the fear of having it criticized or demeaned, thus devaluing you.

This is a time when you want to be totally honest about what you see. If you are confused about your morals, your truths, set the intention to discover them, and go about your day with them in your mind and heart. When you have an idea, jot it down in your journal. Expand upon it later.

Once you discover your truths and integrity, try to gently express yourself to those around you, sticking up for yourself and your opinions. I recognize that this can lead to arguments with a spouse.

I also recognize that sometimes it is not safe to do this, and in that situation, perhaps it is best to keep your thoughts in your journals, but know in your heart what they are. Then, when you have gotten out of the dangerous situation, you can express yourself to others. Do the best you can in a given situation, and keep yourself safe.

Be fair to yourself when you are doing a self-appraisal. This is where honesty, willingness, and openness come in to play. Be willing to look at yourself with an open mind and heart, thus discovering what your strengths, morals, and truths are. Be honest by not downplaying who you are. It is not bragging or arrogant to honestly admit to your strengths. Rather, here is an opportunity to practice humility.

Do you know your strengths and morals, your truths and integrity? Do you project them into the world? Do you feel the inner strength that produces when you do so? Does it help you find peace? I truly hope it does. I hope for you to resonate with your truths, morals, and integrities so that you are being yourself and standing strong in who you are..

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: honesty, humility, integrity, morals, Openness, self-appraisal, truth, Willingness

What is Honesty

November 13, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The next, most important, tool you can use in the pursuit of discovering the resiliency and beauty of your spirit is honesty. So, what is honesty? To what am I referring when I use that term?

I’m talking about the ability to look at yourself and admit to everything that you find – the way you treat others and yourself, what you think about yourself and others, your talents and strong points, and your weak points that need improvement.

In the book, the verse begins “I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to see what I find, to see who I truly am?” So you see, being honest also includes letting others see who you truly are.

Welds of Honesty

It ends, “Perhaps if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength on which I can build my Self.”

As you can see. we’re trying to build a base upon which everything else about you is built. It begins with doing a self-appraisal to ferret out, first, how you treat others in your actions. List those points out. Are you kind, offensive, bullying, compassionate? List the positive and the not-so-kind.

Then, list how you treat yourself in your mind. Are you judgmental, always putting yourself down? Get it all down on paper. List first what you think about others, and then about yourself.

Finally, list all your positive points. Sometimes, this is the most difficult to do because we were taught not to “dote” on ourselves, that it is conceited. It’s not conceited to have a good feeling about yourself; it is self-love and the basis for all that you do and how you approach the world. Of course, you are going to want to be humble about what you find.

Once you have your lists, now what? Well, part of the answer to what is honesty is the ability to let others see you as you really are. Certainly, you are not going to display your negative ways of treating and thinking of others to them; that would be hurtful. But you will want to show who you are with your positive points.

You are going to want to let yourself shine, to share those parts of you that are sincerely who you are at your deepest, most gentle place. This is difficult for most, as it opens the door and makes you vulnerable. It is assumed it is an unsafe place to be. And sometimes it ios. You will have to assess that and only open up if it is safe to do so.

But I contend it is not an unsafe place, usually. In fact, I contend that by making yourself vulnerable, you show your human side and others can connect with you at a deep level. It takes courage and trust to do this. Ask for help from that power greater than yourself. See how each topic is beginning to build upon the preceding one?

Once you list out who you are, and begin to let that person shine, you will begin to feel a great freedom, as if a huge weight has been listed from your heart. It is the pathway to peace, to discovering the beauty of your spirit.

What are the ways in which you can be honest to yourself and others? Can you show people who you honestly are at your core? Is it a place of kindness or do you need some inner work? Let us see who you are by leaving a comment to share with us.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: honesty, self-appraisal, what is honesty

How Do We Respect Others and Ourselves?

July 15, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Respect of Individuality

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?” This is the inspirational quote about life that begins the verse for this image in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. It is a question I have asked myself for years, having always been compared to others and expected to be like them. My dreams were thwarted in favor of another’s. This, along with the denigration of who I was, gnawed away at my very soul. It degraded my self-esteem and my self-image. It set the stage for a very difficult life and it was one of the reasons for my heavy drinking, as I tried to numb out feelings of inadequacy.

One of the most important things we can do in life is to respect and celebrate one’s individuality. This type of recognition helps that person flourish and grow to their intended heights. To respect another’s uniqueness is to acknowledges a Creator’s handiwork. It recognizes another as a Being in this world, just like you or me.

Often, it seems, people are not recognized for their individuality. Like the first line of this verse, people are asked to be like us. This may be because we fear those who are different than us. It could also be a reflection of our own inadequacy or feelings of low esteem. We tend to negate others when we are not feeling very good about ourselves, in an effort to build ourselves up. Of course, this is done at the expense of another. If we are having difficulty respecting others, perhaps it is time for a self-appraisal, a time to honestly look at why we are unable to respect that person.

Having performed my own inventory as a part of my sobriety and having grown and healed some as a result, I have realized it is not necessary for me to be like others. I have learned it is important for me to be the individual I am, to let what is inside shine for the world to see. In fact, I now realize it is my job, if you will, to follow my dreams. It is my responsibility to be the individual that I am, to do what I need to do to increase my own self-respect.

Ah, being responsible for my own esteem, my own individuality… What does this mean? It means I need to focus my efforts on learning to respect myself in my actions toward myself, as well as the way in which I talk to myself. If I do not respect myself, how can I think that others will respect me? And if I am respecting myself, I will give off that energy, people will feel it, and I will attract respect.

Does that mean that if we run across someone who does not respect themselves then that is a reason to disrespect them also? Actually, it means we need to extend even more understanding, love, and compassion to that wounded person. It means we show them respect until they can find it for themselves.

How is your level of respect for yourself? Have you found it, or are you still searching for it? As you assess how you treat others, do you treat them with respect for who they are, regardless of how different from you they may be, regardless of whether you approve of what they’re doing? That gets into judgment, which is our next topic…

Let’s celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, daring to stand out, to be unique, to be individual!

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, denigration of one's soul, inventory, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respecting others, self esteem, self-appraisal, sobriety

How Does Compassion Lead to Forgiveness

April 7, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

How does compassion lead to forgiveness, you might wonder. Compassion is defined by Webster as sorrow felt for another’s suffering or troubles, coupled with an urge to help in some way, deep sympathy. They also say pity, yet, I believe we don’t have to pity another in order to have compassion For me, it manifests as very soft and tender thoughts for another, often coupled with a deep knowingness of or wanting to understand one’s troubles so I can offer help of some sort.

Compassion leads to forgiveness when we recognize how we have done the very thing for which we are angry at or hurt by another. This powerful realization happened to me. I was doing a self-appraisal of all my relationships, and I recognizd I used to get drunk and yell at my partner at the time how worthless they were, that they wouldn’t amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember this! I didn’t mean those things I said. I was feeling badly about myself, which is what prompted the words in the first place. Then I realized they were the very words that were told to me as a child. I began to wonder if the person who uttered them to me also felt badly about himself at the time he yelled those words.

I felt compassion for myself, for the deep-seated feelings of worthlessness that led me to say these wounding words. Suddenly, I saw the man who said those words to me, as a suffering human being, hurting like I hurt, lashing out like I lashed out. I had great compassion for both of us, both wounded souls. I began to realize that I would like forgiveness in this situation, and believed that to be true for my perpetrator, as well. I softened to both of us, and brought forth all the compassion I could muster. I understood why the words were said. They had nothing to do with me or my worth. Years of hurt and pain were washed away, as my compassion gave way to forgiveness.

So tell me, how does compassion lead to forgiveness in your life? Does it? Can it if you look with compassion?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, forgiveness, inventory, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Search of Self

March 4, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

A self-appraisal is what is meant when I say search of self. It is the ability to go, each time, to that place of looking with honesty at one’s actions or thoughts or words. Many people are afraid to do this, as they are afraid they will find there is nothing to them, or that they are all bad.

No one is all bad. We each have redeeming, delightful qualities. When looking at oneself, look at the good things, as well as the areas that could use improvement. Look for your clear heart, shining brightly, clearly, truthfully, like that knob in the image…

Being honest about what one has said or done, even when it means having to be humble, is the path to peace. Owning one’s flaws and foibles gives them a sense of relief; the need to be right disappears, the poor behavior can be viewed with compassion. When we identify poor behavior and see it with compassion, we see a wounded person… us… and we can soothe ourselves.

Above and beyond that is the way in which we spend our time blaming others for our troubles, when, if we looked carefully at our actions, we would see that we are the originator of our problems. Often, we have done or said something which has set into motion an untoward event or reaction on somebody’s part, and we blame someone else. That is where we need to stop and look at ourselves closely, ferreting out our part in the affair.

I have found when I do this, yes, at first I am embarrassed about my behavior, but then I see myself with compassion, and my thoughts toward myself soften. Then, I am able to see where my actions led to an uncomfortable or confrontative situation. When I see that it was my doing, I can then take responsibility for my actions or words, changing them, or apologizing. This skill has led me tp peace countless times.

With one messy situation today, look at your part in it, and if you were in error, make a correction in some way. How did it feel to do that?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, doing a 4th step, humility humble, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety

Developing Awareness

January 13, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Birth of Awareness

There came a point in time after I dispensed with the false bravado that awareness began to creep up on me, that I began to be aware of myself in the world. In the book, in this image and verse, I see the lushness beyond the opening, and after allowing myself to feel my anger and sadness, my grief and sorrow, I decide to walk through the gate to awareness. I make a choice.

The first area in which I developed awareness was how to identify my feelings. I had kept them numb for so long with my drinking, that they were raw when I quit. I also did not know how to name them, I often struggled to determine what I was feeling. My ability to identify my feelings has grown tremendously, as evidenced by my last post.

Part of my awareness includes identifying how I “am” in the world, i.e., how my actions or words have affected another. Again, referencing my last post and the issue with which I was dealing, I sorted out my feelings and resolved my impatience and anger. Then, I decided to share with the person involved the process I had gone through, as I was trying not to hide my feelings. I would not recommend that, as in this case, it only served to upset and hurt the other person.

In searching for the mature way to handle the situation I described in my last post, it would have been better to talk with a trusted friend about my feelings, write about them, and resolve them without mentioning my difficulty to the other person because I identified that their actions were appropriate, even though I did not like them.

A large majority of my awareness has been in the area of learning lessons – learning that experiences come to me for the purpose of healing and growing. When I think of unpleasant situations in this way, my energy is directed toward the lesson and what I can learn, rather than on blaming another person or situation for my grief, or whatever. I am able to detach myself from those things and learn the lesson the experience is trying to teach me. This habit has helped me to reach my goal of inner peace.

How about you? What does awareness look like for you?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: anger, awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, grief, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow

How To Overcome Fear – Continued

December 14, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

To continue with the previous post, we are at the point of taking action. I perform a self-appraisal, identifying the fear in my life, looking at how I react to it, at its origin. I talk over with a trusted friend or clergy, etc., what I have found on my self-inventory. Then, I become willing to have the Universe remove my fears, and I humbly ask for this.

At this point, I list out those who I have harmed by my reactions to fear. I may appear on this list, in addition to others, if for no other reason than because I most likely betrayed my soul in some way.

Here, let’s take an example. I am currently struggling with the fear of approaching radio and TV show hosts to try and get interviews so I can pass the word about my book. I am afraid to do this because I might stutter or not be able to articulate my thoughts and make a fool out of myself, or they may say no. Ah, rejection. I am afraid of rejection because I feel “less than,” not good enough. Ah, the heart of it.

On my list of how I’ve harmed myself or others because of these things, I may put that I am judging myself, being self-critical, that I am being dishonest with myself because I am equal to everyone else. I am being untrusting of the Universe to bring me what I need.

As far as how this harms others… I am depriving them of learning about the book, I am judging them as having a closed mind, so that’s character assassination, perhaps.

These are just a few examples of things to put on my harms list. Join me tomorrow as I talk about what to do with this list.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety

Experience Grace

August 31, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Sweep of Grace

Grace is a state of being that sweeps down upon us. It is an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure that gently and quietly is bestowed upon us.

When do we know we’re in grace? Perhaps it is having that great sense of knowingness inside that lets us know we are experiencing grace. There is a quietness to that feeling, where everything else tunes itself out and we are left with a deep smile in our soul. Everything falls nicely and easily into place, without needing to push on our part; it only requires us to take action. Then we let go of the results and more to the next thing which needs our attention.

How do we reach grace? We practice the principles of living which we have discussed… such as tolerance, respect, gentleness, kindness, compassion… We show these things for others, as well as for ourselves. To get to the place where we are able to do that, we look at ourselves – our actions, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs – and we do a self-appraisal of these things, looking at the things which block us from being a more loving person… to others and to ourselves.

We look honestly, even if it hurts, even if it is embarrassing. And when we do, we take action to correct those thoughts and actions to be a kindlier person; by doing this, we experience grace. What does grace look in your life when you experience it?

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Author statement: It is my intent in bringing you this blog, to acquaint you with the topics in my book. I present them in the blog in the same order in which they appear in the book. The sequence of topics reflects my own healing journey in sobriety, from deep despair and feeling worthless, to joy and peace. I hope you find in these pages that which you seek.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, despair, feeling worthless, inspirational posters, joy, kindness, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, respect, self-appraisal, tolerance

Examine Your Character

August 29, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Growth of Character

Do you look, over time, at the wall of your being? Do you examine your character which has grown over the years? If you are living a sober life, then you do a self-appraisal daily, keeping track of your behaviors, your actions, and you adjust them when necessary.

You learn to practice the things about which we have talked… tolerance, respect, acknowledgment. And, in so doing, you are lending to the improvement and growth of your character.

What is meant by “character”? In the image, it is the growth of moss on the concrete wall, it is that which lends distinction. So is it with us. Our character is what makes us unique; it’s our distinctive mark. It is the sum of how we treat each other… and ourselves.

You have the chance to examine your character on an on-going basis, every day. Perhaps all it takes is honesty, openness, and willingness. Perhaps it involves fortitude – the courage to patiently endure pain and misfortune. This leads to a growth in your character, in that which makes you, you.

What are the rewards of growing our character? It raises our self-esteem; we like ourselves better and, in turn, we can like others better also. Pretty nice reward for learning to examine your character, don’t you think?

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Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acknowledgment, Carolyn CJ Jones, examine your character, inspirational posters, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, self-appraisal, sober life, sobriety, tolerance

Why Do We Judge Others So Harshly?

August 25, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Absence of Judgment

Why so we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?

Why so we judge ourselves so harshly for being who we are, if our actions and behaviors feed our spirit and are not harmful to ourselves or others?

This thought occurred to me one day as I was thinking about my neighbor, who is a little odd in his habits. After a minute, I admitted to myself that if someone were to look in at my life, I, too, am odd. I drew myself up short as I realized how I was judging, rather than seeing each of us as just how we are.

From that grew the inclusion of all of us as a people and how we spend a lot of time judging. While it is necessary to assess others – their behaviors, thoughts, actions – as they relate to our personal safety and well-being, we tend to not stop there. We, instead, continue and find fault with what we discover.

Instead of appreciating the individuality of another, we stand in judgment, assigning positive and negative thoughts or even statements to people, about the other’s “flaws.” This amounts to character assignation. Where is the cultivation of the differences of another?

Perhaps, it is a choice we make – to not assign positive or negative, good versus bad, right versus wrong, to our assessment of another. Perhaps, we are not even aware we are judging; we would see whether we are or are not, upon closer self-examination or self-appraisal.

Once having looked at ourselves and found we are judging, we can make the choice to stop that behavior, for to do so leads to peace, both within and in our world.

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Carolyn CJ jones is the author and photographer of the book, “Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.” This is a book of wrought-iron gate photographs and inspirational prose that reflects her healing journey through deep and utter despair to joy and peace. This blog is the discussion of each topic as it appears in the book. Photos and/or the prose from the book begin each post. Further information about Carolyn and her book can be found in “About Carolyn” and “About the book” above.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, individuality, judging others, judgmental, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal

How Do We Persevere?

August 15, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Rolls of Perseverance

The verse which accompanies this image talks about learning not to feel discouraged, or, to feel like a failure, if our first attempts at being the person we want to be does not work out. The word “failure” stands out to me as a difficult belief about oneself, a difficult emotion, one which warrants further discussion.

Of late, there have been several quotes about failure on Twitter and FaceBook. In short, the message is that there are no failures, only results which have not yet been discovered. It’s only a failure if we don’t pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again.

But the bottom line is, to try again, to persevere. We continue to make adjustments to who we are as a person – our beliefs about ourselves, others, how we treat each. It is only through trying again that we can get anywhere. Yet, how do we try again? In the same manner? No. We use different tools – a self-appraisal to locate and to objectively look at ourselves, our attempt. We consider a different perspective, an open mind, willingness. We persevere. We gather new input, and we get help if it’s needed…

Perhaps, we allow ourselves to grieve the loss of our desire before we start again. At the same time, we celebrate our efforts of trying at all. Some choose not to change, you know. Do you suppose an individual who goes through life never looking at themselves and making adjustments is happy? I wasn’t.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, open mind, open-mindedness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, perseverance, self-appraisal, Willingness

Hopefulness As A Way of Life

August 13, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Ray of Hope

” A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart”

As we blog our way through the topics of my book, we now arrive at hope. We have begun with great angst – fear, sorrow, and despair. Then, we became aware of ourselves, our situation, how we are in the world. Courage was bestowed upon us when we turned to a sacred force for assistance.

We became willing to look at ourselves with honesty and openness as we performed a self-appraisal, which led us to accept ourselves. As we looked at ourselves, we applied compassion and kindness, the same of which we bestow upon those we meet on our path.

Once we have a sense of ourselves in the world, our role, our interactions, we begin to have hope - that we are okay as a human being, that others can be trusted, that we can find happiness in ourselves and the world around us. This hope has occurred because of the process we have been through up to this point. We are beginning to feel more complete and whole, which spurs our hope. We continue to feel hope as we repeat the steps discussed up to this point. It is an on-going cycle that breeds more hope.

What are the ways in which you feel hope in your life?

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As the award-winning author and photographer of her book of inspirational prose and photographs of wrought-iron gates, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration, hope, and empowerment to those in transition, to those souls in the corner who struggle. View the video about the book; stroll through the pages, both of which are located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, courage, honest, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Openness, self-appraisal, willing

How To Accept Yourself

August 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Acceptance of Self

“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, our spirit?”

Perhaps the biggest, most revealing, and most rewarding thing we can do in the process of accepting ourselves is to perform a self-inventory, an appraisal. This needs to encompass everything about you – your strong as well as weak points, positive as well as negative, the things you hate and the things you adore.

Armed with this information, we can apply the “being human” factor. This is how we consider the negative behaviors and beliefs we have displayed. Rather than beat ourselves up for them, we can begin by recognizing that our being human played a part in it. We acted like a human being that is fallible. We can have compassion for ourselves for thinking ill of that person, ourself, who was being human. This compassion helps us to forgive ourselves.

When we can forgive ourselves, we can begin to accept who was are, with all our quirks and imperfections, as well as the delightful things about us. Don’t we discover, in this process, that we are merely the person we have always been in our goodness, at our core? We now have more life experiences and, thus, wisdom from which to draw. We have grown over the years, yet, we remain the same in a body that changes.

From our inventory, we can identify when we were wrong and we can promptly admit it. We can make amends to those we have hurt, as long as it won’t hurt them or someone else. We begin to respect and like ourselves more when we can change our beliefs and behaviors to be more kind, tolerant, and respectful.

These good things we derive from making positive changes in our lives leads us to accept ourselves more. We resign ourselves to who we are, yet it is not with an air of resignation with which we do this. It is, in fact, with a new-found knowledge of our essence, our spirit, that we meet the world. We have a sense of calmness, of knowingness.

This is a formula for happiness, as Evelyn Roberts Brooks talks about in her blogs. We can relax. We can enjoy the company of others, and of ourselves, more fully. We are led to peace…

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, respectful, self-appraisal, self-inventory, tolernat

What Resonates With Your Heart?

August 7, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Pillar of Strength

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

We spend a lot of time trying to be liked, to be accepted by others. It is a basic need, perhaps, as social beings. Sometimes, we try so hard to fit in, that we forego our own beliefs, morals, and integrity in favor of adopting another’s. This is most often an unconscious behavior. Yet, it hurts our soul when we give it away in such a manner.

To change our truth is to betray ourselves to ourselves. It is, perhaps, the ultimate way to negate our being, to negate the very core of who we are. For it is in our morals, our integrity, that we shine as individuals. They make us who we are, show what we believe in and stand for. They are part of what makes us, us.

Why do we change our morals, integrity, and truth? What is behind this behavior? Perhaps, it is a reflection of our insecurity, not having a firm like, or love, of Self and who we are. This leaves us unable to stand up for our beliefs. Perhaps, we do not even KNOW our beliefs, have never examined them, have always adopted someone else’s truth.

In either case, the issue can be resolved by doing a self-appraisal and flushing out things like our morals, our truths about ourselves and what we stand for. We tend to look within and only find our faults, our weak and not-so-nice points. Do that first, if you must, yet, do not forget to list your positive qualities and attributes, the things about yourself that make you the unique and delightful person you are and are meant to be to the world. Show kindness to yourself as you embark upon this task.

Go ahead. I dare you. If you are honest with yourself, you will find there are many redeeming qualities about you for which you can show appreciation and respect to yourself. I am not talking about flaunting what you find. Rather, I’m talking about relishing this information about yourself and being humble about what you find.

I am talking about being so strong in your convictions and who you are, that you do not waver in your approach to the world; you stand for what you believe in with every encounter, and within. When you are able to do this, you will have an inner strength, the strength of a pillar, and you will find peace.

What resonates with your heartf?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: being humble, Carolyn CJ Jones, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, self-appraisal, self-inventory, self-respect

How To Show Compassion

August 6, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 8 Comments

Fields of Compassion

Each topic I discuss in my blog relates to the topics as they appear in my book. The prose for this image talks about seeing a homeless man on the corner and not knowing how to show compassion for his plight without giving money. Instead, I wanted to simply acknowledge him and show compassion because he is a fellow human being who is struggling.

“All it would take is a look, a smile, to let this man know that I care about him, feel his plight, want to help. I can offer a fellow human being a smile, a hand, and fill a vacant field with compassion.”

Compassion, defined as sorrow for the sufferings of another accompanied with a desire to help, seems all too often lacking sometimes in today’s society. We are moving so fast that in our dealings with others, we don’t take the time to pay attention to those around us. We are largely “self” driven, looking out for ourselves and not considering others.

What does it mean to have compassion and how do we develop it? For me, I was two years into my sobriety and doing a self-appraisal as part of the process of recovery. In looking at my behavior when I was drunk, I realized I used to scream at my mate the exact same derogatory words that my father had yelled at me, wounding my soul. I knew how I was feeling when I said those things, knew I didn’t really mean them, and I realized this could have been true for my father as well.

Suddenly, I felt compassion for him. I felt badly for him, suspecting he was not feeling good about himself and his life when he said those words. I could identify with his pain. This led me to forgiveness of a long-time hurt and resentment. In fact, I discovered that many of the resentments I held were against others who had done the very same things I did in the course of being a human being. My heart softened to these people with this discovery and I was able to feel compassion.

It is important to state that, while compassion for others is desirable, so is compassion toward ourselves. Don’t forget to show compassion to yourself. This leads to a forgiveness of self for all our actual and perceived wrongs that we commit as part of beiing human. It allows us to cut ourselves some slack. This is not said, however, to excuse our bad behavior and the need to fix it.

How does one show compassion? It can be as simple as offering a smile of understanding, wishing that homeless person a good day even if we cannot help with money. It occurs with the words, “How can I help?” It happens when we get out of ourselves and consider others and their plight. It is the show of sincere sympathy and understanding.

How do you show compassion in your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, forgiveness, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, recovery, self-appraisal, sobriety

Self-Appraisal-The Start of Responsibility

August 5, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Search of Self

Why is self-appraisal, self-inventory, the start of responsibility? Because we become aware of the ways in which we have affected ourselves and others, both adversely and for the betterment. It’s a major undertaking and the basis of taking action in the process of recovery from addiction of any sort. It scares us. We wonder if, once we look, there will be anything left of ourselves about which to feel good.

The miracle of an inventory is that we get to see the things we did wrong or the things we did to harm others, even spiritually, and we can begin to hold ourselves accountable for our bad behavior. We begin to see how we do some of the very things that another has done for which we hold a grudge. We begin to feel compassion for another, for ourself.

The more we feel we are being accountable, the more our confidence, and hence, our self-esteem grows. As our esteem improves, we have less need to prove ourselves to others, and, thus, we become more authentic, more able to show our positive side, more able to risk sharing who we are with those around us. We become freer and gain more serenity and peace.

The verse that goes with this image asks the question, will we discover our clear heart, sining brightly and truthfully, right in the middle of our swirls and curls of darkness, shadows, and light? The point being made is that often when we look at ourselves, we are not honest. We do not acknowledge ourselves for our good points. A self-appraisal is not honest, not complete, until we do that.

When we look at our positive traits and characteristics, we feel good about ourselves, and we want to continue with, or share with the world, these goodnesses. We shine to those around us and in so doing, give permission to those others to shine also. More love, more dialogue, is generated. Peace occurs. We are each responsible for creating peace in our world…

How do you accept the responsibility for creating peace in your world?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration and empowerment to those in transition, to those souls in the corner who struggle. View the video about the book, which is located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: addiction recovery, Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, honesty, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, recovery centers, self-appraisal, serenity, Sober Living, sobriety

Living With Serenity

May 27, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Serenity. That feeling of calmness, even amid storms. It is a prevailing attitude, one which overshadows and, thus, contributes to all other attitudes that follow. For me, it comes when I am in alignment with the powers of the Universe, that which is greater than myself. It is a realization that all is well, that I am being provided and cared for.

I got to serenity through the experiences and changes I’ve discussed in this blog. You have traveled through the book with me and read of the trials and tribulations associated with getting to this point.

Perhaps you related as we moved from worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through awareness to self-appraisal. Past forgiveness and on to principles such as compassion, tolerance, and gratitude until we have reached a point of joy and serenity. What a journey it has been.

As we finish the book, it is time to start over and I am putting out a “request for proposals.” When I go through the book again, is there any specific tack you would like me to take? My thought was to share about each topic in a general way, not relating to my own experiences. I welcome your thoughts. Please share them.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, compassion, despair, gratitude, joy, self-appraisal, serenity, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, tolerance, worthlessness

Choosing to Look at the World With Wonder

May 2, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Moments of Wonder

“A beam of light falls upon the metal. I look with awe and wonder at the star that appears… out of nowhere.

Do you suppose there has always been such richness, such wonder, such beauty in the world? Perhaps it has been there all along, waiting to be noticed, to be seen with the eyes of the heart.”

I find that when I choose to look with wonder at the world, I see amazing and wondrous things around me. When I choose to slow down, to stop and look right next to me, beauty is there, just waiting patiently to be seen.

I find it in my physical surroundings… the moss by my feet, with its delicate shoots. It doesn’t have to be as spectacular as the rainbow in the distant sky; I see wonder in the simple things… the spider in his intricately woven web, the bloom of a rose.

I find it in the people around me… the child in the grocery cart in front of me in line, excitedly discovering the world around him, the elderly couple walking hand-in-hand, the woman quietly at rest, watching the sunset.

Wonder is everywhere, if I choose to look, if I choose to see. For me, it is a choice I learned once I became sober. It didn’t happen overnight. I had to get past my fears that I was unsafe in the world, past the feelings of worthlessness enough to be interested in the world around me. I had to learn to get out of myself, to let go of operating from that place of self-centered fear.

It took conducting a self-appraisal, looking at myself with honesty, identifying how unconscious I was to the world and its gifts, identifying how inside of myself I stayed, not venturing out to open myself to others.. not fully anyway.

Once I became willing to slow down and really look with my heart at those around me, my surroundings, I began to see it all with such wonder, such awe. It’s the simple things that I find I notice now, that touch my heart, bring a smile to my face, a tear of joy to my eye. It is that joy which keeps me returning to the choice to see with the eyes of my heart… to see with wonder.

What are the things in your life which bring you to wonder and awe?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: awe, Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, fear, honesty, joy, self-appraisal, Sober Living, sobriety, worthlessness

Can We Live In Harmony?

April 24, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Shades of Harmony

“When do we take the time to just listen to the breeze, the quietness, the ramblings of our mind, or the world around us?

When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?”

I then go on to ask if that explains our inability to touch ourselves and others in quiet, kind, and harmonious ways. That makes the assumption that we are not displaying kindness or harmony. Is that presumptuous on my part?

Perhaps. It’s just that I see so many around me acting unkindly, fighting and arguing, instead of being at peace with one another, or themselves. The question for me becomes, am I being too idealistic to think we can be kind and harmonious with others, with ourselves?

I don’t have the answer to that question. I think it is a choice and one which each of us must choose. Am I going to be kind to another, promoting harmony? Am I going to show myself kindness, allowing me to be at peace within?

These are the questions I began to ask myself once my journey into sobriety had progressed. It was quite startling to realize the ways in which I was not kind to others, and I especially was not kind to myself. I spent a lot of time criticizing others and myself in my mind, not praising them or myself for positive actions. I was not at peace within.

Over time, and with awareness, things have changed for me. The key lay in the self-appraisal, the self-searching I did. Through that, I was able to see myself more clearly, to accept myself and the point from which I was starting. I became able to move forward and practice genuine kindness. As a result, I experience more harmony, both with others and certainly from within.

How do you maintain harmony in your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, kindness, meditation, self-appraisal, Self-searching, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Cultivate Differences in Others

April 21, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 8 Comments

Cultivation of Differences

“We ask, require, demand that those around us be like us, share our attributes, our beliefs. And in so doing, we compare… one to another. In that process, do we not squash the spirit of one who is different then us – one whose thoughts and drerams and talents lie in a different place?

We are like the gates. Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grow in another. On one, there is rust or corrosion or patina, while on the other is mellowed brass.

One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… if we will only see.”

I wrote the first and third stanzas of this prose in my journal early in my sobriety, when I began to deal with my feelings of having been compared to my siblings and was expected to have their talents and attributes. Then, two years later, I photographed this gate. It took a few months to match the prose with it.

This is an example of why I believe this book to be Divinely inspired. Not only did I find this prose which described this image, I found better than half of the prose for this book in my journals, written before I ever saw the gate it describes.

As I was typing in the prose above, I was struck by the line about how we squash the spirit of another when we compare them to others. I know today that my spirit was squashed and it was through the creation of this book that I have been able to free my spirit and let it soar.

My experience has led me to be sensitive to the ways in which I compare people. I have only been able to identify my participation in character assassination by taking a good hard look at who I am, a self-appraisal, if you will, of my assets and liabilities. Through that process, I was able to see the ways in which I compare others. I was also able to see that I, in fact, had my own talents and skills and strengths. I had not been acknowledging them during my life.

Once I looked at myself, I then had to accept who I was, including my assets. My spirit began to heal. I felt hope. I began to be able to express gratitude for things around me, people around me. Now, I specifically focus on another’s differences, their strong points, and offer acknowledgment when I am able. My spirit has soared throughout this process of cultivating differences.

How do you cultivate the differences of those around you?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acknowledgment, hope, hopelessness, living sober, self-acceptance, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety, spirit

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