Good morning. It is later in the day than I normally write, and that is because I was a bit befuddled about what to write. I just do not have it within right now to go to those negative emotions and how to get out of them. If you’re looking for that, please scroll back to fairly recent blogs, and you will find them.
No, today I want to talk about what it’s like to live with an open heart, how my inner world has changed as a result. I, for example, am rolling thoughts in my head about the renovation project of which I am smack in the middle, and remembering back to the days that trained me on the supplies to be using, the knowing of even where to start and what to do.
And to think of those days used to be quite painful and induced guilt, even very recently. Painful because it involved the last three years of a tumultuous marriage, and a bad ending, for which I have regrets and guilts, followed by an unrequited love experience for me, which was excruciatingly painful. Both experiences have left me finding it difficult at times to live with an open heart, but I am surpassing that.
Yet, today, I am enjoying the remembering, the memories, for I am recalling my boating projects, my other renovation project that got me to the capable point at which I find myself in my project that is underway. You see, it was actually my boating experience and experience with rotted wood in a wet environment that led me to discover and fall in love with penetrating epoxy (PE).
The viscosity of water, PE penetrates rotted wood that has been cleaned as much as possible, and it strengthens the wood when it hardens, or “kicks.” I happen to love the smell of it… it’s my most favorite in the world. I also love the effects it produces. Well, I am aware it is more expensive at the boating store than at my favorite TAP Plastics in SanRafael, CA. And TAP sells measuring utensils, etc, that are needed for application of the stuff. They also sell the actual epoxy, so I got that at TAP.
But, it is not the viscosity of water. It’s more like a thickened syrup, so it does not penetrate the wood as much and that concerns me. You see, I have a leaking window in a mobile home and I cannot find the leak. I have caulked everything upstream that I can find. So my thought is, pull out the rotten support beams (1×2′s), epoxy with penetrating epoxy to strengthen the remaining wood, caulk the metal separation in the window frame itself that may be the source of the leak and along the wood to metal seam, using boat caulk designed for wood and metal in a wet environment that I got at West Marine in Sausalito, CA, then fill the gaps where I pulled out the 1×2 supports with new 1×4′s.
I’m getting really technical, aren’t I? Sorry. I really enjoy the thought process, the planning and reasoning out, that goes on in a renovation project. lol The point is, with more of an open heart, I am finding myself thinking about the marriage and how we worked together to turn wrecks into things of beauty – homes, boats, cars, thinking about the hurt of the unrequited love, remembering with fondness the projects we did together also.
Because I am opening my heart, seeing with an open heart, I can see the gifts that came out of the experiences. They led me to what I know today with my window renovation and I can remember reasoning through the process with sales people, my husband-at-the-time, and after the marriage ended, with the man who turned out to be an unrequited love. These are fond memories, and I find myself choosing to live in that space today, to live with an open heart so I can receive them in as positive experiences. Wow, this is amazing! This realization is occurring as I write, as I blog – the fact that I am choosing to live with the positive instead of looking at my regrets and guilts. Thank you for being a witness to my process.
How about you? What are some of the ways in which you live with an open heart, and how do you choose to live with the positive thoughts, the positive memories, rather than stay mired in the guilts, the regrets? Leave a comment and let us know.