What Is Behind Our Harsh Judgment of Others?

May 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you! I hope for you the day is wonderful! This morning, there was a query asking “why do people judge others so harshly?” I am going to talk about this and word it a bit differently, so it is What is Behind Harsh Judgment of Others?

I think when we display harsh judgment, we are feeling insecure and small ourselves. In an effort to build ourselves up, perhaps, we tear down another, we show harsh judgment. We are intolerant of another’s differences, and strive to put them down to make our own views more justified, and in order to justify ourselves, we judge harshly.

The result of our harsh judgment of another is it kills their spirit. It beats them down and discourages them from shining their light.

The other problem with harsh judgment is how we turn upon ourselves with it. We are so harsh in our self-judgment that we go around with negative self-talk. This squashes our spirit, our ability to let our light shine, and it’s just not necessary. So, what is the solution?

The elixir for harsh judgment is developing tolerance and kindness. If we are tolerant of another, as long as s/he is not being harmful to themselves or another, what does it matter if their behavior or beliefs are different than ours? Think of another’s differences as adding richness to the fabric of life.

In a similar fashion, we need to be tolerant and kind to ourselves, allowing ourselves to have our quirks, our differences. If we are not being harmful to ourselves or another, our differences also add to the fabric of life. Our quirks are who we are. Let that shine and bring more joy, more diversity to our lives and the lives of others.

Look at your harsh judgment of another or yourself and then look and see if you are feeling insignificant or insecure. If you are, do something to get past that so you can stop with the harsh judgment. It serves no one.

 

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Being Judged by Others, Even Though They’re Flawed

January 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning! So sorry I missed yesterday. My computer would not allow me to access the back end of the blog, so I couldn’t write the blog. Today, it is cooperating… The search phrase I picked out is being judged by others, even though they’re imperfect themselves, even though they are displaying negative behavior.

It is my belief that we are being judged by others when they feel insecure and unsure about themselves. They are blowing out our light to make their light shine brighter. They feel “less than,” and putting us down builds them up – in their mind. The thing is, if we’re wise to them and their method, they don’t have to be built up. In fact, if we realize they’re putting us down to build themselves up, we can stop their behavior in its tracks.

We can bring to the attention of others that they are judging us negatively and to stop that behavior. Of course, this will most likely bring on a confrontation. None-the-less, speaking up against the verbal abuse is an option. When we are being judged by others, we can also just ignore what they say, knowing the reason behind their judgment. This is known as turning the other cheek.

So, we have a choice here and it depends upon the situation. If we are likely to enrage the other person who is judging us negatively, putting us in a dangerous situation, we may wish to just know deep within that what they are saying is not true. If, on the other hand, they are rational, and a conversation can be had in which we can bring up their judgment of us, then we will want to do so in the hopes that they can see their behavior and alter it.

In any event, know that when we are being judged by others, they are actually reflecting how they feel about themselves, and we would do well to not take it personally. If we do take it personally, we will likely develop anger and resentment toward the other person. I did this with my father when I was growing up, for the verbal abuse he slung my way. It took me 54 years to get past that to an understanding of his pain, and to get to forgiveness.

How do you treat others when you are feeling less than and insecure about who you are? Do you judge them harshly?

In closing, I have two points: First, I will be hosting the radio show W4CY.com every Monday afternoon at 3 pm PST. The name of the show is Transform Into Forgiveness. I imagine we will have discussions about how to get past being judged by others.

Second, I am starting two support groups called Opening the Gates of Your Heart. These groups will be in the San Francisco Bay Area in Marin and will focus on getting through grief and past resentment to forgiveness. Group one will meet every 2nd and 4th Monday from 10-11 am PST, starting February 11th. The second group will meet every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 1:30-2:30 pm, also PST, starting February 14th.

Both groups will run for 3 months and cost is $35 per month. Both groups will meet at the Wells Fargo Bank in San Rafael, 1203 4th Street, 2nd Floor, 94901. There is parking in the rear of the building, and you would go through the double doors in the rear. Take the elevator to the 2nd floor. For more information and to register, call me at 415-883-8325, or email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com.  

 

 

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Dealing with Harsh Judgment

October 17, 2012 by 2 Comments

Good morning. Two search terms stuck out for me today… “dealing with harsh judgment” and “to acknowledge oneself.” I’d like to address each of these, as they can flow, one into the other.

When is the last time you dealt with harsh judgment from another? Perhaps they criticized you directly, or they criticized your work. Either way, the result you are left with can be the same… embarrassment and shame, loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth, defeat…  In short, the feelings you are left with after being harshly judged are not pleasant.

Old Building at the Wedding

I recently had a judgment made of the photos I took at my nephew’s wedding. Although not a harsh criticism, it brought forth all my “stuff.” All but one of the pics were great… nice composition, exposure, and subject matter. Yet, when I emailed them to another family member, the comment I got was, there were “some” good ones, but there were some that were bad.

First of all, permission was not asked to critique the photos. Yet, the comment came from one who is highly judgmental. Even though I know that person is like that, I resented the judgment of something which gave me great pleasure shooting in the first place. They were actually great pics and all the rest of the family members said so, yet I have the judgment of one-out-of-many stuck in my mind, my heart.

It’s the same all over again from earlier years when I was told by the same person that “a real nurse would be an ICU or ER nurse.” This comment was made in response to discussion about my work in State government, where I was working in the Medicaid department and initiated, designed, and operated a program that allowed technology-dependent Medicaid-eoigible children to be cared for at home with private duty nursing services, rather than stay in the hospital ICU. I needed to be a nurse to be doing this type work.

It was ground-breaking work at the time, and served to bring about great medical, developmental, and social gains for the children. And I was reduced to nothingness when that remark was made. Even today it has the power to grab me and send me to that pit of not being good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for this person because they judge everything so harshly. Nothing is just appreciated for what it is, as it is. They always want more…

I know this person is like this, highly critical and judgmental, and still, I am thrown by the unwelcome judgment. It brings up all the feelings from growing up that I am no good, never good enough. My excitement to share of the pictures plunged. I found myself asking other family members what they thought of the photos, if they were liked and appreciated. Everyone I asked told me they were great. Yet, I still am affected by that comment.

What can I do to get beyond the hurt, the lack of confidence, the anger at this person for their highly critical nature? This is where “to acknowledge oneself” comes in. I have to step in and consciously talk to myself, praising my work, in this case the photos. I have to let myself know that I did the best I could, that all but one of the pics I sent were of good photographic quality. I have to remind myself and accept that  no matter what, this person will find fault with me and what I do.

To get back on kilter, I need to acknowledge myself with kindness, caring, gentleness… I need to hold in my heart the knowledge that I am good enough as I am, acknowledge that my efforts are pretty good. I need to stop judging myself, and I need to grieve the loss in my life of someone to praise me, to encourage me and my talents and instead, give those things to myself.

It hurts though, that ever-present criticism. Even as that hurt arises, I remind myself to acknowledge me and my talents, to look at things with a true sense of reality, rather than allowing me to be colored by the constant negative comments. Having done that, I can now apply the principle of compassion to this person who is always negative, for whom nothing is good enough. I feel compassion for one who cannot see the positive around him in his world. He’s missing out on so much…

When have you received harsh judgment recently or in the past? How did that feel for you? Try to identify those feelings in response to the criticism. Consider the source of the harsh judgment  and know that the judgment is not true, not accurate. Acknowledge yourself for all the good that you are. Talk yourself up and believe it. How do you feel after doing those things? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Judging Others Affects Our Sobriety Negatively

July 16, 2012 by Leave a Comment

The obvious thing about judgment is that we want to halt our malicious judgment of others. Judging others and ourselves harshly, while denigrating the spirit, adversely affects our ability to stay sober, as well as to find peace. 

We want to find a way to cease judging others negatively. Certainly, we need to assess that we are safe in any given situation, and so we will judge others to that end. But I’m talking about judgment borne of fear, hatred. We cannot maintain our serenity when we are busily judging everyone. It is this which we want to learn to curb.

When we judge others negatively, we denigrate that person’s spirit. It is character assignation. 

This is all very valid when it comes to the topic of judgment, yet, I wish to look at the issue of how we judge any given situation in our lives as good or bad. When we are going through a tough time, for example, we wonder why this is being done to us, why Spirit or Source is taking us through the anguish and strife.

We struggle to get through the rough times, sometimes even getting angry at Source, or denouncing It. The thing is, we can practice the principle, absence of judgment, in these situations. What do I mean by that?

To explain it, let’s start at the end. Once a difficult situation has resolved, and time has passed, we can look back and see how the incident made us stronger, or saved us from a bigger evil, or was for our highest good. We can even consider that we were given opportunities.

We begin to see how Source chose to bring us these opportunities, that without that specific incident, we wouldn’t have paid attention. Sometimes, our lessons are harder because we did not heed earlier signs that we were going down the wrong path.

Eventually, we realize that within these difficult times are gifts, as they contain lessons for our betterment. This belief helps us through those hard times because we are looking for the lesson, the gift. Knowing that when we have survived the event, we can help another through similar circumstances, gives us purpose.

Today, see if you can find a silver lining in a rough experience you have had in your life. Identify the lesson, the gift. Does that help with your sobriety, bring you peace?

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See Your Dream with No Judgment

May 20, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Absence of Judgment

As you think about your dream, look at it with no judgment. Do not judge it as right or wrong, good or bad. See it in its barest element. Just see it as it is and accept it.

You may be spending a lot of time judging yourself, your dream – second guessing, doubting. At the same time, you may be experiencing a strong call to your dream.

Pay attention to the call, the pull. Consider, if you are judging it, that you are being too hard on yourself.

“Why do we judge ourselves so harshly for being who we are, if our actions and behaviors feed our spirit and are not harmful to ourselves or others?” Excerpt from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. 

When you stop the judgment of your dream, you will be left with the time and energy to pursue it. When you pursue it, you will find it brings you peace to do so. 

The thing about judgment is that it sets you up for failure before you even start. It is a form of negative self-talk. It gives you an excuse not to try to follow it. 

Today, consider your dream with no judgment of it. Let it permeate your being. Notice how doing that brings you more peace… 

 

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Judgment of Others and Ourselves

January 17, 2012 by Leave a Comment

In our continued quest for sobriety and inner peace, the next topic in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, is judgment, or lack of it.

The kind of judgment to which I refer goes beyond the assessment of a situation to assure our safety. I am talking about the type of judgment that degrades another, that diminishes them. 

Absence of Judgment

Absence of Judgment

“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?” The verse goes on to ask why we are so judgmental of ourselves for the same reasons.

Do you suppose we judge others so harshly because we are uncomfortable with ourselves, and, in an effort to feel better, we cut someone else down?

We first judge by appearance, so if someone dresses in a way that is out-of-the-norm, we have deemed them unworthy of our liking or consideration. It is said that in the first seven seconds of meeting someone, we have judged them. How do we have a clue what they’re all about in seven seconds?

Ah, perhaps we don’t care what they’re all about. Perhaps, we use that seven seconds to compare them to us, and we size ourselves up to their looks, so we can feel better about ourselves. Is that what we’re doing?

We don’t have to like everyone; that’s not what I’m advocating. But we can find out who they are inside, in their heart, and then let them be themselves without judgment of whether they’re good or bad people.

And what of ourselves, when we judge ourselves harshly? What’s with that? Often, we are harder on ourselves than we are with others. Instead of doing that, could we be kind and gentle, showing ourselves compassion? 

Today, take a minute to notice when you greet others whether you are judging them. Try instead, to see their soul, who they are as a person and reserve judgment. Take several minutes to reflect upon how you judge yourself, and just for today, try to catch yourself, and stop doing it. See how freeing and peaceful that feels?

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Why Such Harsh Judgement, Judgment of Others and Ourselves?

December 1, 2011 by 2 Comments

The next topic from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart, A Journey of Healing is absence of judgment.

Absence of Judgment

Absence of Judgment

“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?” This is the verse from the book.

Judgment: an opinion, criticism, or censure. Certainly, we are continually assessing those around us to determine that we are safe in the world. In that capacity, we make a judgment.

That is necessary and yet, that is not what I’m referring to here. I am referring to harsh and critical judgment, the kind that is damaging to another’s soul, the kind that is back-stabbing, putting another down, demeaning of another.

So, I repeat… why do we persist in such harsh judgement judgment of others if what they are doing feeds their spirit and is not harmful to you, others, or themselves?

Is it fear? Fear that they could harm you? Is that well-founded fear? Or, is it merely being critical of another because they are different than you.

Do we criticize because you we are feeling small and “less than?” I know that’s the case for me when I criticize and judge others, and even myself. I am feeling not-so-good inside.

And what about the ways in which we judge ourselves? The way you judge yourself? Are you harsh and critical? Do you have that inner meanie, that voice of shame? Many of us do. That critical part of yourself serves no good, it destroys your spirit, your soul. It degrades you and prevents you from being all you can be.

How do we dispel that voice that criticizes others and then turns that inward against ourselves? Perhaps, one way is by taking note of and appreciation for another individual, showing them respect for their differences. Ah, yesterday’s topic. That includes taking note of your differences, and celebrating them, by the way.

Perhaps, it is nothing more than noticing when we are critical and judgmental. If we shine the light upon our thoughts or words when we are so harsh, we may realize we are doing it more than we think, and, perhaps, we can cease.

Perhaps, it involves looking at ourselves and our habits, and realizing they could be considered strange to an outsider, worthy of critical judgment. When looked at in that light, perhaps we are more tolerant of other’s differences.

I invite you to go forward in your day and notice how you judge yourself and others, and think: why such harsh judgement judgment of others and of myself?

 

 

 

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Tips For Moving Through Fear

November 2, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Yesterday, after describing how the book was created, I talked about the two year time period when I dealt with the fear of exposing myself and my deepest journaled thoughts to the world by publishing my book. It took slow and steady coaching by someone who has grown to be a dear friend. What follows today are the ways in which I moved through that fear.

When you present yourself to the world in whatever manner, it is not unusual to experience the fear of exposing yourself. Perhaps you are afraid of being judged, rejected, ridiculed, or belittled in some way. The reality is, one or all of these things may happen, especially judgment or rejection, and it is easier to handle them if you are prepared.

How do you move through that fear of letting others see who you are , knowing of the possible consequences? It is helpful to focus on loving and serving others, instead of focusing on the fear and possible consequences. Focus on the fact that what you have to share is valuable to others and that you are depriving them to live a full life by withholding your light.

I recently learned in a seminar that in the first three to five seconds, we are judged on eleven points. This is just human nature. To get through the fear of encountering these judgments, understand that the judging will occur. So might rejection. Accept this. Allow your desire to shine in the world be stronger than caring what others think of you. Focus on the tips I mentioned above.

Accept that what others may think of you may not be who you are at all, and find the courage to proceed past the point of fear. Focus instead on your message, on what you want to present to your world, and the use it will have for others. Concentrate on that as you take action, but take action. You may find that once you begin to move forward through the fear, it is not as bad as you thought, and you will likely gain strength to keep on moving.

In the case of being ridiculed or belittled, move away from those that would do this to you. You do not need to tolerate belittlement or ridicule. No one is deserving of that behavior from another. Move away, hold your head and heart high, and keep moving forward into your Being.

I am hopeful that you are able to get the courage to show the world who you are. If you have been having difficulty letting others see your Being, letting them see who you truly are, and you try any of these tactics, I’d love to hear how they worked for you.

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Developing Tolerance For Ourselves and Others

August 13, 2011 by 2 Comments

 

Good morning. I find it interesting that, having blogged about judgment, other experiences happened that got me to look at the way I judge things. It’s as if it shows up everywhere as a means to look at my thoughts and judgments, and to heal from them, to ask for help to correct them.

For example, after my last blog, I was on hold on the phone for a long time and there was music playing. I noticed that I was judging it… “this is too chaotic and irritating,” or, “this is mellow and soothing.” It was that continual litany of judgments I referred to in my last post. I do this when I am around people, also. A continual assessment of what I like or dislike. Do you do this?

Practice of Tolerance

At first I was appalled, and then I had to smile, realizing that I can just notice my thoughts and say to myself that I don’t wish to be so judgmental. I have to, actually choose to, look at myself with tolerance. And that is today’s topic… tolerance. Certainly, I am a supporter of being tolerant of others, and especially of their differences, but I wish to focus on tolerance for ourselves.

There has to be a distinction between tolerance for bad behavior, i.e. hurting another or ourselves, and I don’t think we should tolerate that. But we can still look at bad behavior and say to ourselves we no longer wish to do that, and then ask for help from Source to dispel it.

I’m referring to just sitting with our thoughts and tolerating them, bringing ourselves to awareness for having negative thoughts, rather than beating ourselves up. I don’t think that solves anything other than making us feel badly about ourselves.

So the next time you find you are having thoughts or acting in a manner that disturbs you, take a minute to just reflect upon it, and offer yourself tolerance. Not excuses… just tolerance. Then ask for help to change that from the source that guides you, and see what happens.

 

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Absence of Moral Judgment

August 6, 2011 by Leave a Comment

 

Why do we judge people so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others? Is it because we are afraid of them and their differences, and/or is it because we’re not feeliing okay about ourselves?

As it turns out, I am grateful to have become an alcoholic, because I was forced to learn how to assess myself pretty honestly. I did not feel good about myself. Lots of assessment and healing later, I began to see how my negative thoughts about others were very morally judgmental, in response to my fear and esteem issues.

It was through the process of self-appraisal that, as I began to feel better about who I was and took responsibility for my thoughts, the less I handed out moral judgment, the less I denigrated their soul. So maybe the more we love ourselves, the less we judge others negatively.

Absence of Judgment

I notice a whole litany of judgments running through my mind at any given moment, always judging another, as well as myself. First, I see myself noticing things about people and then judging them as safe to be around.

That is inate in all of us. It part of the automatic fight or flight mechanism – to continually assess our situation so we keep ourselves safe. We just do this, it just happens. It’s unconscious much of the time.

Yet, for me, the judgment takes on a tone of morality, sometimes indignantly, because I’ve continued my assessment, which includes deciding whether someone is good or bad.

By having these thoughts about someone, do I not set up an energy that they can feel on a soul level and it denigrates them as a person? In sobriety, I decided I wanted to stop denigrating people in my mind.

Initially, it was a conscious thought to go to that place where I said to myself, “Isn’t that interesting what that person thinks or is doing?” and leave it at that.

***** This only applies, of course, when the person is not being harmful to himself or others. That’s a whole other discussion…

Now I more automatically notice when I am judging someone, and this allows me to stop doing it. I find myself really enjoying what that person has to offer.

I have experienced the most beautiful moments with people whom I used to judge as bad. What an awesome discovery that was, and continues to be, as a result of my attempts at learning to lessen and negate my moral judgment.

Wow. What a long way to peace that would go if, once assessing that we’re safe, we stopped with our moral judgment of others. Would it be a world  filled with more happiness and the experience of more wondrous moments?

And if we stopped with the moral judgment of ourselves, would we each experience more happiness within, leading to our inner peace?

 

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