I missed the tomorrow to which I referred in my last post, and now it is today. A good day for explanation.
I wonder if we, after experiencing any situation in which we are the object of abuse or trauma, are relagated to playing the victim for our lifetime. It has been my experience that that is not necessary. What I have found as necessary is taking responsibility for my inner world and that means looking at it -learning about the affects trauma xyz victims experience, and trying to find ways to heal from it all.
What was necessary for me was to heal the wounds of hurt, betrayal, and anger from the original trauma. This was quite difficult to feel, but it became very necessary as part of my becoming sober. I did a lot of reading – Claudia Black was best for me: there’s also John Bradshaw, Alice Miller.
From these people were suggestions about how to recover. I followed their suggestions, continued with my sobriety, and sought counseling. I wrote voraciously about my feelings. It was still all blaming until I looked at how I had treated my ex-husband. Now there’s where I saw that I was repeating behaviors I had endured earlier in life. I was doing the very thing that had been done to me.
Ah, a golden nugget of information. With that information came the realization that I said those things because I felt horrible about myself; perhaps the perpetrators years ago had felt badly about themselves, also. It didn’t excuse the behavior and actions, yet it allowed me to have compassion for them, for us both. From that compassion sprang forgiveness, given more time.