how to find peace • Creating Peace Through Forgiveness

What Is Honesty?

May 2, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and welcome to another wonderful day! Today’s three-time search term is “what is honesty?” and I will address that today.

In sobriety, I learned about honesty and it expanded my belief and understanding of it. Yes, it’s about not stealing, and it’s more than that for all of us. It includes how you show up in the world to others and to yourself.

For example, showing honesty also means being honest about your actions and behaviors. Many of us do not look honestly at our actions and behaviors, and we blame others for what is rightfully our issue. Especially when there is a controversy, we blame another for things that went wrong, when we refuse to look at what part we played in the altercation. It always takes two…

So, in this case, what is honesty? Well, it is owning your bad behavior. Honesty is admitting that you did a bad deed, or gossiped about someone, thereby smashing their spirit, for example. But again, the biggest offender of being honest is when you blame another before you look at what you brought to the disagreement. Let’s look at blaming others in more detail.

I spent 32 years blaming my parents for my emotional woes from my childhood wounds, but never once did I think of accepting responsibility for my feelings, being responsible for healing my own wounds. Once I learned that it was my job to heal myself, my life took off in a glorious direction.

Well, it wasn’t glorious at first; it was extremely painful. Yet, after looking squarely at my hurts, my wounds, it began to get glorious as I healed from one wound after another. It took learning to talk to myself in a positive light, learning that most of what I had been told was a lie, my parents’ own wounds talking to me. I began to realize I was not the person that they told me I was. This realization brought me much joy and happiness… as well as peace.

I invite you to stop blaming others for deeds done, and to look at yourself to determine how you can heal from what was told or done to you. That does not mean you ignore what was said or done… you are merely going through and past that to a place of higher “being” about it all. You are setting the stage for forgiveness.

I invite you to own your bad behavior and apologize when it’s appropriate. Be humble, not ashamed. Realize you are a human being who makes mistakes and admit to them. When you “come clean” with another person, their feelings for you will most likely soften. They will most always accept your apology and they also often then talk about what they brought to the incident, where they displayed bad behavior. Usually in these instances, showing up with honesty will lead to healing between you and the other person.

If you have difficulty going through this process, that’s where I can come in with my coaching services. These are the very type of situations I do well with… identifying how to get past blaming, how to own behavior, how to display honesty. If you are stuck at this point, feel free to contact me at 415-883-8325 and we can discuss how I might be of assistance to you, how we can work together to bring you relief.

I want you to have peace, you see, and this is one way to find it… by learning what is honesty…

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: being honest, forgiveness, honest, honesty, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, what is honesty

The Benefits of Sobriety

April 30, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you. I neglected to post yesterday; it was another day that got off and running and I was running all day. These types of days are becoming more and more prevalent. That’s a good thing… This morning’s search term that I am so fond of was “what are the good things you get from sobriety?” Ah, a topic that is near and dear to my heart.

When I think that I was severely hung over every day for seven years, and somewhat less severely for the preceding 20, it is a wonder that was not a deterrent for my excessive and massive consumption of alcohol! But it wasn’t. So, the most obvious and initial positive effect of sobriety is the lack of hang-overs. It’s glorious to wake up and be clear, no headache. Try it. It’s wonderful!

But the most positive effect from sobriety that you will enjoy is the healing of wounds, healing of emotional pain. This alone makes sobriety well worth it.

While working through those wounds, it will feel like sobriety is not worth it, that you were better off when you were drinking. But consider, sticking through the rough times in sobriety can reap you a reward so indescribably wonderful, I urge you to keep at it. When difficult emotions surface, which they will, think about how your sobriety will reap a big pay off soon.

Be with your emotions; let them flow through you. Allow them to be felt, which will allow them to move through you more quickly. Take note of the joy interspersed among the tough feelings, and look forward to the point when that joy returns, for it will.

When you discover emotional sobriety, you will know it in an instant. You will feel a tremendous calm settle over you. You will have a deep knowingness of peace and understanding of yourself and others. You will know you have arrived in a new dimension.

So, is sobriety worth it? Yes, without a doubt. Leave a message and share your experiences with the wonderful feeling of sobriety. We’d love to hear from you!

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, how to live sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Is Sobriety Worth It?

April 21, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you and welcome to the start of a new day! I am once again drawn to the search term, “is sobriety worth it?”

Let me simply answer that question. The answer is yes, sobriety is absolutely worth it. That has been my experience, at any rate, and the experience of countless others in sobriety.

You may fear letting go of your good friend alcohol. You may wonder what in the world you ail use for entertainment, for relief from your hurts, your emotional pain. But consider, if you’re reading this, alcohol is no longer serving you, it is probably causing havoc in your life and you are searching for other ways to find relief.

If you are generating hell in your life and it is related to alcohol or drugs, you will find sobriety most appealing. Without alcohol or drugs, you will not have hangovers, a major benefit right from the start. As you sobriety progresses, you will discover things to do to entertain yourself – listen to music, read, visit with friends and family, exercise, write in a journal, and the list goes on.

Perhaps the thing that makes sobriety most worth it is the healing that will occur when you start to look at your emotional pain with clearer eyes. You will learn to be responsible for your own feelings instead of blaming others for your pain. Your feelings of pity for yourself will disappear, and you will find interest, genuine interest, in those around you.

The healing from the past that you experience is precious, simply precious, and you do not want to miss this benefit of sobriety. You will find a new peace, a new freedom, and you will revel in these feelings.

What is it that you fear most from sobriety? How do you think sobriety can help you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, Sober Living, sobriety

A Life of Serenity

April 20, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello and good morning to all! Today, I liked the search term “life of serenity,” and will talk about serenity.

Serenity is defined by Webster as a state of being serene, and serene is defined as being untroubled, calm , tranquil, peaceful, and quiet. As someone who lives her life in serenity, I can honestly say it is a marvelous place to be.

How can you live a life of serenity? For me, it was a matter of cleaning up the past, visiting the past as a means of moving forward in the present. Once I did this, I was able to heal from the wounds I received during my lifetime, and became able to focus on what was happening in my life in the moment.

You, too, can do this. Re-visit the past, not to dwell, blame, or pity yourself, but as a way to understand your wounds more fully so you can begin to heal from them, as a means of understanding your inner self in current day.

Examine your actions and behaviors to ferret out those times when you were unkind to others, intolerant of them, times when your behavior was less than giving. Look not only at how you treat others; look at how you treat yourself, as well. Resolve to treat others and yourself with more kindness, gentleness, and tolerance.

Apologize to others, and to yourself, for any harm caused, and this includes spiritual harm. For example, gossip is a form of character assignation that you will wish to curb in order to live a life of kindness and serenity. You will find more serenity when you cease gossiping and focus on yourself instead. By this I mean, focusing on your behaviors and actions to keep them “clean.”

Learn to be grateful for everything around and within you, and you will begin to feel more serenity. Find a force greater than yourself to believe in, to turn to in times of trouble and in times of appreciation and thankfulness.

I cannot say enough how glorious it is to live in serenity; you will find great peace, happiness, and freedom when you discover it. Simply try the things I have suggested and see if you are able to have a life of serenity. Leave a comment to let us know how you discovered serenity in your life.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: happiness, how to be happy, how to find peace, inner freedom, inner peace, peace, personal freedom, serene, serenity

Move Forward From the Past

April 19, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello rather late in the morning. In fact, good afternoon, as it is 12:30 pm where I am in Novato, California. I hope you are each having a great day. The search term “moving forward from the past” intrigued me, and I wish to say a few things about this.

There is no doubt that our past forms who we are in the moment, and that we cannot change our past. However, we can change how we view the past. For example, I had a rough childhood; it was abusive both physically and verbally. I spent my adult life until the age of 48 drinking heavily over it. The alcohol fueled my rage, self-pity, and blame of my parents. I learned quickly how to play the victim and I played that role very well.

Then, I met my match with alcohol and ended up seeking sobriety. During the course of that life-style, the sober one, I learned to look at myself and my behaviors. I learned how to forgive, and I have since forgiven my parents.

My point is, I learned to look at my past as something from which I can gain strength and healing, and which I can offer my recovery from to others so that they, too, can gain strength and healing.

I have found that it is important to visit the past as a way to move forward in the present. Once we revisit the past for our current growth, it is best thought of differently, as something which happened to us so we can grow and then, share that growth with others, in order to be of service to them.

When you move forward from the past, you will feel a peace and freedom like you have never felt. You will feel relief from the chains that bind you. If you are drinking to numb your pain, sobriety can help you in your growth. I know I could not hear those words when I was at the height of my drinking; perhaps you will be able to. I wish that for you, at any rate, so you can avoid years, possibly, of misery.

What do you do in your life to move forward from the past? I am hopeful for you that you use the past so you can move forward in the present. May it bring you peace when you move forward from the past.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: forviveness, getting sober, how can I quit drinking, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, mmoving forward from the past, move forward from the past, peace, sobriety

If You Feel You Have No Value…

April 18, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hi and good morning! I wish for you a day filled with peace inside. I was struck by the person(s) who searched for “I have no value.” This is such a low place to be and I want to speak to it today.

If you feel you have no value, stop and think about where that message came from. Is it someone else who told you that? If so, believe, instead, that it is a lie. We each have value. You have value simply because you are a human being alive on this Earth.

You have one thing that is very special that you do, something you can share with the world around you, something you are alive to share. Perhaps it is one thing that you do, or one way of being in the world. Whatever it is, do some soul-searching and find that one thing you are special for. If you cannot think of anything, pray to the Universe to show you the one thing that makes you special.

If you feel you have no value, you can be of use to another person. Being of service takes you out of thinking about your woes, your feeling that you have no value. Yesterday I talked about this, and today I’m going to repeat it. Do something nice for someone in your life, even if you don’t know them. Smile at an elderly person, and say hello. You will brighten up their day, I guarantee you.

Find one thing about yourself and your situation for which you are grateful. Gratitude changes your mindset and begins to dispel the feelings that you have no value. I cannot recommend gratitude enough as a tool for feeling better.

You were not born into this word to feel you have no value. Identify those things that make you think you have no value and remember that they are not true. Remember that simply by “being” on this earth, you are valuable. Make your bad times into something good and be of use to another by talking how you got past it. Bit by bit, you will heal the feelings that you have no value. I wish you peace as you journey today.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions Tagged With: have no value, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

7 – Day Forgiveness Challenge – Day 7

April 12, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello, and welcome to our final day of the forgiveness challenge! I am so glad you have come back to see how to complete the process of creating forgiveness in your life! Today I will talk about the one practice that will take you there… to forgiveness.

Yesterday, you wrote about looking at the whole situation from a 180 degree shift in attitude, looking with new eyes. This is necessary for you to create the forgiveness you desire. Remember, forgiving has nothing to do with the other person – it is all about you and making peace inside of yourself.

Having said that, let me relay a story… Soon after I became sober, about two years into it, I was doing a self-apraisal, focusing on the men in my life and how I had contributed to each relationship’s demise. I realized I used to get drunk and yell at them that they were worthless, would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember this! I had denigrated their soul and the thing is, I didn’t mean it about them, I meant it about me! Soon after that realization came a question. If I had said that these men were worthless and I didm;t mean it about them, I meant it about myself, was it possible that my father didn’t mean I was worthless and would never amount to anything when he said it all those years, he meant it about himself?

The answer was yes. It is possible, quite possible. Suddenly I saw him as a fellow human being, struggling with his own demons, his own wounds. I began to feel compassion for him, a wounded soul.

After about a year’s time, with continual returning to that compassion, I forgave him his transgressions. I didm’t condone what he did, still don’t, yet, I forgave him, recognizing he was dealing with what he, himself, had been told while he was growing up.

So, the final part of creating forgiveness in your life is to see the other person as a wounded human being who made a mistake. See them with compassion; hold them with compassion. Soon, that feeling of compassion will evolve into forgiveness. It will just happen one day, very quietly and with no effort on your part.

This concludes our 7- day forgiveness challenge. I hope you have found it useful. If you are struggling with any piece of it, then I recommend you call to speak with me to get clarity, and comfort from that clarity. Call 415-883-8325 for a free, 30 minute discovery session.

My hat is off to you for the forgiveness you have created May you have peace.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, peace

Honesty, Openness, and Willingness

March 28, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Well, good morning to each of you! I wish you all a wonderful day filled with light and joy. May you have peace. This morning I was able to get into my stats and I see three searches for honesty, openness, and willingness, so will speak about these today.

Honesty, openness, and willingness are the basis of all spiritual walks and the cornerstones of all recovery programs… the hallmarks, if you will. When you practice these three things, all sorts of other things fall into place for you. But what do they mean? Let’s take a look…

Welds of Honesty

Honesty, openness, and willingness are all in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Let’s start by looking at honesty. Certainly, you want to practice being honest by not lying, stealing, cheating, etc., but this refers to much more.

Being honest also refers to your ability to see yourself as you truly are, with both your positive and your negative points, your strengths and your weaknesses, the things you do well and the things you messed up, the ways you were unkind, for example.

Many of you have not even heard of the concept of doing a self-appraisal and keeping a watch on yourself and your behavior. When performed on a regular basis, it is very powerful.

Being honest about who you are, even with all of your faults, is what is meant by being honest. Allowing others to see your soft and vulnerable side is being honest.

When you are honest, your being is as solid as the welds in the picture to the left, and it forms a strong base upon which to build your true Self.

Let’s continue on in our talk about honesty, openness, and willingness by moving on to openness. This refers to how you open your mind to new things, open your heart to feel, open your heart to allow grace in.

When you go around with a closed mind, thinking you know everything, not hearing what others are telling you about things and about yourself, then you are cutting off so much that is valuable. When you close your mind to what others say about you, you shut out an outside viewpoint, something you may wish to consider in your journey to wholeness and peace.

Beware of those, however, that would put your down, verbally abuse you, and try to not let their words affect you negatively. Realize that they are striking out, perhaps, in their own fear, their own woundedness, but don’t buy into what they are saying.

Key of Willingness

Having a closed heart blocks the way to peace and joy. You may stay behind the safety of a closed gate for fear of getting your heart hurt… again, yet when you open the gates of your heart, wondrous things start to happen. You are touched in ways you perhaps never have been before. It is very freeing, and it’s the way to peace.

Now we come to willingness and I cannot say enough about this except that it is the key to everything. When you are willing, it unlocks the gates of your heart, it allows the Universe to provide for you.

All it takes is willingness the size of a keyhole, and that is enough to unlock gates. The desire to grow takes willingness, the ability to listen to what another is saying takes willingness, the on-going practice of doing a self-apraisal takes willingness.

If you struggle with being willing for change to visit you in your life, ask the Universe for the willingness to be willing to have willingness.

And there we have the cornerstones… honesty, openness, and willingness. I wish you well in your search for and practice of these three things.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: being honest, being wiling, honesty, how to become willing, how to find peace, inner peace, openness of mind, peace, Willingness

How Are You Being of Service to Others?

March 27, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello, and good morning to you each! I am so glad you’re here today and am hopeful you will get a lot out of today’s blog. I cannot access the stats today and cannot see what you have been searching for, so have picked the topic of being of service to others… how are you being of service in the world?

Each of you has a message to share with the world, a unique contribution. Perhaps yours is being a good mom, or sharing with others your gifts for cooking. Maybe you have an important message for the masses and are destined to be a speaker. The thing is, you are here for a reason. What is your reason for being on this earth?

When you determine your purpose, then you can practice being of service with that purpose. For example, if you have a message to share, you can align yourself so that you create opportunities to share that message. This is being of service with your purpose.

Then there is being of service in a voluntary way, choosing an organization, for example, at which to volunteer. When you go above and beyond your calling in order to give to others, you feel a calming satisfaction; the feeling you gain is one of deep joy, great peace.

You may even reap other benefits that you didn’t think possible. For example, I visit a man in prison. I got started because I was being of service to him. We have developed a very strong friendship; he has helped me through tremendous fears in my life, and, being great at expressing things, has provided me with wonderful scripting to use while doing presentations.

All of this has occurred because I was being of service, and my life has become greatly enriched. Certainly, there is the deep knowingness that I have helped him quite a bit by offering a diversion every three weeks from normal prison life. I have made a difference in his life, and, in turn, he in mine. All simply because I was being of service.

Where in your life are you being of service? Do you offer your services to others? Are you being of service by making yourself and your gift to the world accessible to others? If you’re not being of service, you are missing quite a lot, so find that one special way you can be of service to another, or others.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: being of service, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Dealing with Despair

March 24, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Face of Despair

Good morning. I hope it is a day of brightness for each of you. Yet, judging from the search term of “dealing with despair,” which showed up three times, I suspect some of you are not feeling brightness in your lives. So today, I want to talk about a way out of despair.

See the image to the left? Can you see the little face, mouth open in a wail of despair, hands covering his eyes? It is from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, with the verse that says, “Can you hear my wail? Can I hear myself?”

What I meant by “Can I hear myself” was that often, we do not pay attention when we are in deep pain. We ignore it by stuffing it, by becoming incredibly busy, or by numbing the feelings with substances. Is this you?

STOP! Your soul is crying out to be acknowledged, wants you to pay attention to it, wants the opportunity to heal. When you feel those feelings of despair, stop. Become willing to write in a journal or notebook what you are feeling.

When writing, I suggest you print with your non-dominant hand. This will prompt all sorts of your deepest feelings to emerge onto the page; you’ll get to the bottom of your woes more quickly and easily. Try to stay with those feelings for at least 15 minutes at a time. When you can no longer deal with them, THEN get up and be active… do the dishes, take a walk, do something productive.

Then look at and consider what you have written about your despair. Consider how you want to feel instead. Write about that in detail… what would your life look like if you were not in despair? Vision it, write about it. Now, consider if there is an action you can take right now that will move you forward to that vision of how you want your life to be.

Focus on that one thing, that one action. Keep it simple. You will have to find one action you can take. Maybe you cannot do it in the moment, but you can do it today sometime, or tomorrow. Make a to-do list and put that action step on the list. Often, when we are being of use to someone else, our despair lessens, so you might consider an action step that involves doing something good for another.

On the other hand, we often forego our needs for the needs and desires of another, so you may need to focus on your needs and desires right now. Doing good for another can come after you have met your needs.

Now, take that action. Just take it, do it – that one simple thing. Once you have done it, sit and contemplate how you feel about yourself now, having done something good for yourself. Write about it, share about it with someone you trust not to steamroll you.

I am not suggesting this is easy, for it is not. It will take willingness on your part. AND, once you do it, you will reap the rewards and you will feel less despair and more peace in your heart.

Sit down and write today… now. Then take that action step.

If what I say resonates with you, move at the speed of instruction. : ) Write again and again about your despair, focusing on your vision and taking action. Let us know in a comment if things change for you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: despair, despairing, how to be willing, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, Willingness

How to Complete a Self-Appraisal

March 21, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning on this fine and clear day! May you have clarity and goodness in your day today!

Yesterday, I received an email from a dear friend who reads my blog, questioning things which I plan to address in today’s blog. For example, they asked about what to list out. I hope I have addressed that fully in this post. Then, the question was raised, what is honesty? I will further discuss that also.

So, how do you do a self-appraisal?

First, you gather willingness… willingness to look at yourself honestly. When I say honestly, I mean looking at your positive points first and giving yourself full credit for all your positive traits, all the positive ways in which you treat others and yourself. We often shy away from being honest about who we are, having been told that is conceited to do so. But we need to objectively assess who we are in our totality. We do this not to brag about ourselves, rather, to humbly look at who we are in our totality.

On the negative side, being honest means being willing to admit you screwed up when you did, that you treated others or yourself poorly. It is embarrassing to admit these things about ourselves, and that is part of being willing to be honest…

For example, I find myself sometimes acting in a very selfish manner, thinking of myself when I could be considering the other. In those situations, I seem to do things for others because there is something in it for me, before I give with no thought of what I’ll get out of it – giving without expecting or wanting in return. That’s somewhat embarrassing to say, yet, it is honest.

What I do with that information, that realization, is to be aware in the future of when I start to do something for another. I can assess my motives and change them, as indicated, come at it from a different angle.

It is important to add gentleness and compassion when you look at your negative side, the side that needs improvement, or else you would beat yourself up unmercifully. Having said these things, let’s start with how to do the appraisal…

After becoming willing to get honest, list out your positive qualities and traits on a piece of paper. List them all out. Get generous with yourself. No one else is going to see this, so brag about yourself to yourself only. Be loud and proud on paper. Then sit with, “be” with, this list of traits. Let it sink in that this is you that you have listed out in all your goodness and glory. Get comfortable with feeling the light from seeing your good qualities and traits. You are trying to counteract any negative things you have been told throughout your life.

Now, take the past week and list out every good deed, kindness, and generous thing you did during the week. List it all out. If you had a kind thought about someone, list that out, too. Then allow this to sink in for a few days. Bask in your goodness. Know that at your core, you are light.

Next, turn your attention to your negative side, the side that needs improvement. We all have one, you know. List all the negative things about yourself that you do not like. Include the negative things you tell yourself. Consider the past week and list out all the mean, nasty, and unkind things you did or thought during that time. Don’t hold back, yet do not beat yourself up. Do it honestly, from an objective viewpoint.

Consider each point and look at each with compassion for yourself, a wounded person so much so that it led you to act in a negative manner. Now, right all wrongs. This may mean apologizing to some people. If this is the case, get humble yet not subservient. Drop the hostility, the defiance. Apologize with your heart and soul. Sometimes, apology is not advised; this is when it would hurt the other person more, cause them damage in some way.

When you have completed your self-appraisal, you will feel a cleanness about yourself. You will be right with the world and yourself. Resolve to keep an active and current eye on your behaviors, celebrating yourself for your wins and correcting the negative as you move through each day.

I hope this clarifies your questions, dear friend. Thank you again for raising them. : ) And I hope for all of you that by doing a self-appraisal, you find more freedom and peace. Leave a comment if you found this to be useful for you.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassion for myself, compassion for others, emotional freedom, freedom, how to do a self-appraisal, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, self-appraisal

The Merits of a Self-Appraisal

March 20, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you and happy day. It is the wee hours of the morning and I just popped awake, so here I am. : ) Today, I am going to respond to the search term “the merits of self-appraisal.”

In my experience, doing a self-appraisal is the key that has allowed me to move to inner peace. Although difficult at first to look at myself, doing it has become a routine occurrence. By doing a self-appraisal on a regular basis, it keeps me on top of the things that I need to correct in my life, in other words, my behavior and my thoughts. And it allows me to see and acknowledge my goodness.

I have found that doing a self-appraisal leads to inner peace and emotional freedom because I am “clean,” my motives are pure and less selfish in nature. Also, if I have done something to offend someone, I can right that in the moment that I do the appraisal. And, by seeing my goodness, I am not so hard on myself, do not beat myself up so much.

One of the great benefits of doing a self-appraisal is that it paves the way to forgiveness, which leads to the creation of more inner peace and emotional freedom. It keeps a check on me getting angry at others for doing the very same thing I am doing, and if I get the ball rolling in a disagreement, it allows me to see that.

A self-appraisal allows me to keep abreast of what I am telling myself about myself… in other words, my negative self-talk. When I engage in this, I can correct it right then and there.

There is such a feeling of freedom when you incorporate a self-appraisal into your everyday life, your everyday happenings. At first, listing out my behaviors was difficult and I did so with great shame. Over the years, however, I have learned to see my negative behavior with compassion, as I was a wounded person at the time I committed whatever I committed.

That is not to say compassion is an excuse to not be responsible and accountable for my behavior. Oh, no. I need to own my negative behavior. The beauty in owning it is that I feel pure when I have done so. It is a practice in humility rather than shame. It allows me to remember that I am a fallible human being.

These are just some of the merits of a self-appraisal. Try it yourself and you’ll feel lighter, brighter, more at home with yourself. If you want to learn how to do a self-appraisal, join me tomorrow as I describe, step-by-step, how to do one.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: emotional freedom, freedom, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance evaluation, self-appraisal, the merits of a self-appraisal

What Forgiveness Is Not

March 13, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello and good morning to each of you! It has dawned another clear day in the northern San Francisco Bay Area and I’m loving it! Today is another day about forgiveness.

First though, I want to acknowledge each of you for your perseverance, your coming back, especially now that we’re getting into the meat of things that are personal. It is difficult to look at ourselves. It is difficult to climb from emotional numbness, to examine our anger, our pain. I applaud each and every one of you for your efforts! You will find the reward of peace and freedom so well worth it.

Today, let’s talk about what forgiveness is not. First and foremost, when we forgive, we are not condoning what was said or done. We are not saying that what was said or done was okay, for it was not.

This assumes, of course, that you have already done a self-appraisal and examined whether or not you do the same things others are doing, and if you are, then you need to consider forgiving the other person for being human, just like you. It also assumes that you have identified whether you got the ball rolling, and the other person was just responding in a predictable human fashion.

If you are confused about these things and/or how to do a self-appraisal, I suggest you get my free article by signing up to the right. It explains the process of getting to forgiveness, and how to do a self-appraisal. How to look at these issues is discussed.

Back to the point that forgiveness does not say what was done is wiped from your memory, that you are overlooking the transgression, for you’re not. Yet, you can still forgive. The person is still responsible for what they did or said, you are just looking at it with a different view from your heart. You are looking at it from the standpoint of gaining peace and freedom.

The second misconception about forgiveness is that the other person must apologize before you can forgive. This is just not so, and, in fact, an apology may never be forthcoming.

I never have spoken to my parents, for example, of my 38 years of anger, about the scars I received as a result of my upbringing, as I feel this would only serve to hurt them. They know not what they did. Because of that, an apology will not come forth; yet, I have been able to forgive them anyway, as I realize they are not capable, perhaps, of understanding. That’s okay. I can still forgive because forgiveness is for MY heart.

If you understand these two misconceptions, and that forgiveness is extended so you can be at peace in YOUR heart, to free YOU, then you are that much further in your ability to forgive.

I hope these clarifications make it easier to consider forgiveness. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about ways in which you can take responsibility for your feelings in this area.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: extending forgiveness, forgive, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace

What Is It Like to Be Sober When You’re Hurting?

March 10, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you, and the day is long past dawn. It is bright and clear in the northern San Francisco Bay Area, and I am loving this weather!

Yesterday, I spoke of what it was like to be sober and I talked about all the positives. What about when it gets tough? You see, it does get tough. It’s not all a picnic. So, that’s what I want to talk about today… what to do when being sober is tough.

The thing about being sober is, you begin to feel your feelings. For years, perhaps, you have numbed them out, and suddenly your numbing agent is gone. The length of time for the difficult emotions to emerge will vary in the time it takes for them to appear and in intensity, depending on the depth of your pain.

For me, I was on a pink cloud, feeling wonderful, for about 6 months before the difficult emotions really hit me, and I mean REALLY hit me. Although, during that 6 months, I was still grieving the loss of an unrequited love, the thing which had led me to my bottom in the first place, when all I could do for several months was drink and cry. So, I was dealing with those feelings of rejection and even thoough I felt grand being sober, those feelings were hovering in the background.

I’m referring to the feelings that were buried deep inside, the ones of rejection from when I was a child, the feelings of worthlessness, shame, and despair that I carried throughout my childhood and then for most of my adulthood until I was 48, which was when I got sober. It was a bottomless well, a deep crevice and I felt like I had fallen off of a cliff many days.

How did I deal with it, you may ask, so you know how to deal with it when those feelings, or similar ones, come upon you? First and foremost, I resolved never to drink, although there were times in the course of my sobriety when I would yell, “Being sober is not better than when I was drinking!” Nonetheless, I kept holding on to my sobriety, I kept sober, and discovered that being sober was absolutely worth it! How did I do that?

I went to 4 or 5 support group meetings a a day for the first one and a half years of being sober. Every morning, I started my day with a brisk walk, followed by writing in a journal with my left, non-doiminant hand. I printed, actually. All sorts of deep feeliings flowed onto the page and I was able to have them to look at, to experience them. My writing helped me work through those feelings.

Plus, I talked to people a lot about those feelings that came up. And then, I read spiritual books voraciously. Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation, The Dance, and The Call, Iyanla VanZant’s Until Today, Yesterday I Cried, and One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Melody Beattie’s books on co-dependency – I forget the titles.

Later in sobriety, when I was facing the pain caused by my child abuse, I read all of Claudia Black’s books, It Will Never Happen to Me was a big one that helped me get through my feelings.

The point is, and this post is getting long so I will end with this, allow your feelings to come up and find some way to cope with them. It is okay to distract yourself at times, with healthy activities, such as reading, exercising, writing, yet you need to face the difficult emotions and feel them. The only way past difficult emotions is to go through them. The only way out is through… Stick with it, hang in there, get counseling if needed. Ah, that’s something else I did that was paramount.

Just remember, the end result is happiness and joy, peace and freedom, like you have never experienced before. Trust me on this. Just stay sober, and don’t pick up that first drink. I wish you well on your journey.

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: being sober, freedom, happiness, how to be sober, how to find peace, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Seven Effects of Sobriety

March 6, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you! May your day be filled with goodness and peace inside. Today’s search term I chose is “effects of sobriety,” because it is my 12 year birthday today. Twelve years ago today began my amazingly joyful and sometimes excruciatingly painful journey into sobriety.

And regardless of what I was experiencing, I didn’t drink – no matter what. You can do that, too. Do you want a new life, better than any you’ve ever experienced? Then stick with it – no matter what.

You will find the journey more than worthwhile. You will find it very powerful, very healing, very awesome. The journey is all of these things and more. Some days, it is negative and extremely painful as you look at past experiences. Know that the experience and pain are being brought forth for your healing. Stick with it. Don’t drink – no matter what. It WILL get better!

So, let’s look at some of the effects of sobriety. I have spoken about these before from a different viewpoint…. today I present the end effect one might experience from sobriety.

1. You will begin to feel more self-respect when you don’t wake up all hung over, drooling puking, barely able to function as a human being. Imagine… waking up refreshed, able to get out of bed and function right away. Well, maybe after coffee. lol Seriously, waking up without a hangover did a work of good for my self-respect.

2. As you move through sobriety, you will begin to feel release from old wounds, old haunts, as you heal from the inside out. In addition to help from an alcohol support group, I needed private therapy help. I recommend this if you need it, as it will speed your recovery from old wounds much more quickly.

3. Your self-esteem and self-love will grow as you continue on this journey called sobriety. You will feel good about yourself for staying sober, and your esteem will grow as a result. The healing work you do will help you learn to love yourself; you will forgive yourself, and your self-love will grow even further.

4. You will feel true caring about the people around you. With your new-found sobriety, you will really care at a deep level for those who enter or are in your daily life. Yu will see others with compassion, see them as fallible human beings, and you will be able to forgive them their transgressions.

5. The blaming and self-pity you feel will diminish as you become more accountable for yourself and your feelings.

6. You will be able to see the world with new eyes… Gratitude for all your experiences, whether positive or negative, will fill you up and it will spill out to others.

7. And finally, you will wish to be of service to others rather than stay stuck in yourself and your woes, rather than blame others and feel self-pity. Because of that, you will feel freedom in your soul. It will soar, as will you!

The possibilities are endless if you maintain your sobriety! My hope for each of you reading this is that you do, indeed, try sobriety, and succeed at it. Speaking from experience, 12 years of it, I can honestly say that the journey is so well worth it. At last, I found happiness and peace. May you do the same.

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, how to get sober, how to stay sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Seven Things You Can Do to Strengthen Your Sobriety Today

March 4, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you! I hope for you a wonderful day, a wonderful week! : ) I liked the search term “things I can do to strengthen my sobriety,” so that is what I chose to address this morning. This applies to you even if you are not a sober person, i.e., even if you do not have a drinking problem.

The following are some suggestions of things you can do to strengthen your sobriety:

1. Write, print, every day in a journal with your non-dominant hand, even if for only 15 minutes every morning. If you are right-handed, print with your left. You will find that all sorts of deep emotions will flow forth onto the page. This is especially useful if you are “stuck,” having difficulty with your emotions and moving forward because of them.

2. Take a brisk walk a few times a day, even for 5 minutes. This gets your blood flowing, which gets more oxygen to your brain. It also helps the flow of endorphins to your brain, which is the feel-good chemical.

3. Get in the habit of doing an on-going self-appraisal, also known as a self-assessment, of your thoughts, words, and actions. This will keep you on track internally, in your thought-life, as well as keep a watch over how you treat others. If you are not acting in kind, tolerant respectful, and loving ways to others and yourself, you can change that behavior throughout the day.

4. Be gentle with yourself. All the harshness and having unrealistic expectations of yourself will not move you forward in life, will not help your sobriety. Instead, when you are not gentle, when you have unrealistic expectations of yourself, you set yourself up to fail, to be in angst.

5. Begin to see others that are irritating to you as wounded people, struggling inside of themselves. Perhaps they endured abuse when they were growing up, or later in a marriage, and they have not yet worked through those feelings. Perhaps they never WILL work through those feelings, and you can see them as a wounded person. You can have compassion for them.

6. Forgive those who have wronged you. Take #5 above and apply it to those who have wronged you. Understand that by forgiving, you will set yourself free, and you will find peace from that forgiveness. Know that forgiveness does not mean you condone what was done – it just means you forgive them their transgression. Know that it is you who you are taking off the hook, so you don’t continue to live with poison in your psyche, in your heart.

7. Learn to forgive yourself for all the wrongs you have committed against yourself and to others. See yourself as wounded yourself, and cut yourself some slack. This does not mean that you are off-the-hook and not responsible for your actions and behaviors; you are. But you can see yourself as a fallible human being, and can learn from your mistakes. From that introspection, you can grow. Use your mistakes as learning experiences.

These seven things are things you can do right now, so start in on them. If you do, you will find your thought-life and external life will be more calm and peaceful, more fulfilling and richer.

What one thing are you going to do today to strengthen your sobriety? Leave a comment and share with us what that one thing is. We’d love to share in your growth.

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, freedom, how to find peace, how to forgive, how to live sober, peace, peaceful, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Effects of Sobriety

February 21, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to all, in the wee hours of the morning! I popped awake at 3:30 am and here I am, an hour later. I hope you each have a blessed day.

There are two search terms that I am going to address today and they are the “effects of sobriety” and “why am I so hostile in my sobriety two years later?”

I have written many time about the positive effects of sobriety and I love this topic because I love my sobriety and love being able to let others know what they might experience if they get sober. I see sobriety as the greatest gift I and the Universe have ever given to me.

But first, let’s address the question of why hostility has shown up for someone. First of all, I would like to commend whomever it was that wrote that, as it indicates a true looking at themselves and their behavior. So, good for you!

That said, it takes a while for the alcohol to get out of our system and for the brain to clear. That may take a year or two for this to occur.

Then, we are often on that “pink cloud” of feeling good about ourselves and the world, and that can last for a few months to about a year. After that time, we may begin to really feel our feelings and old experiences and feelings come up. I, for example, had bad feelings come up at age 3 years of sobriety, over my violent upbringing.

Not having alcohol to numb these feelings, I had to feel them and they were of rage – huge anger – at my parents. It took a year or two to work through these feelings until I could allow them back into my life. You see, I basically was very hostile toward them and kept them at an arm’s length. That did pass as I continued to stay sober and to work through my feelings.

So, it is not uncommon for hostility to occur throughout the course of sobriety as our feeliings come up and we have nothing to numb them with.

Now, about the effects of sobriety… the first thing I noticed was the freedom from hangovers and that was glorious. Then, after a time, I discovered that the practice of looking at myself and assessing my positive and negative behaviors, and then taking responsibility for my negative behaviors, was the biggest gift I received from sobriety.

Being able to look at myself led to the start of me being responsible for myself, totally. This meant being responsible for my feelings also. So, what happened was, I stopped blaming others for my feelings and my unhappiness. I began to see those as my responsibility to manage and to find.

I stopped playing the victim, stopped being filled with self-pity. And I’ll tell you all, being able to do those things has led me to an incredible peace, freedom, and great joy of life. And it all stemmed from learning to look at myself and hold myself accountable. And THAT is the BEST effect of sobriety!

What are some of the effects you notice from sobriety, or are you struggling with finding a good effect? Leave a comment and let us know how it is going for you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Why Physical Injury Heals Faster Than Emotional Pain

February 20, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good afternoon, everyone! I am late in getting my post out and I am competing with construction workers not 4 feet away from my computer. I am getting a new window frame constructed and bay window replaced. The old one was leaking and dry-rotted. But, enough about me.

Yesterday, I spoke about emotional pain and how when we don’t address it, it festers, like an infected wound. Today, there was a search term for how physical pain heals faster than emotional pain, and that is what I’d like to address.

I believe that verbal onslaught is more difficult to heal from than a physical injury because the negative words or feelings get embedded in our psyche, in our soul. They, I have heard, get embedded in our very cells, and if we do not work to rid ourselves of our emotional pain, or at least allow orselves time to heal from it, it just stays there and cotinues to negatively impact our psyche.

Physical injury, on the other hand, heals more quickly as blood is brought to the injured area. With that blood comes oxygen and nutrients, and those help the area to heal. With our emotional pain, on the other hand, it sits and festers unless brought to light.

Unfortunately, it is frequently, if not always, painful to look at our hurting emotions and because of this, we avoid looking at it. We numb it with substances like alcohol or drugs, or engage in compulsive behaviors like cleaning, shopping, or gambling. We avoid looking at it at all costs. The thing is, the cost is high because it affects our ability to be truly happy and at peace.

To look at our emotional pain, I recommended yesterday writing, journaling, with your non-dominat hand. Printing is easier than writing script and that’s what I did. And, it worked miracles. Do not be surprised or dismayed if you find yourself crying or even sobbing when you start journaling. This is natural and is the body’s way of cleansing the soul. At least, that’s what I believe is happening.

Engaging in modalities like massage and deep tissue therapy helps to loosen the stuck feelings from our tissues, our cells, and this speeds up the healing process. It is wise to drink lots of water after undergoing massage, or even writing and releasing your emotions, as that further cleanses the cells.

I also believe emotional pain is harder to heal because we think over and over about things, often obsessing about them. That’s the fuel that feeds anger and resentment, keeping us from being happy and peaceful. And that’s what I specialize in… helping people past anger and resentment to find forgiveness.

So, I hope this article gives you some further idea of why emotional pain takes longer to heal than physical injury. Furthermore, I hope the suggestion of journaling with your non-dominat hand is one you will try. If you do and see some results, leave us a message about what that was like for you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: emotional pain, healing emotional pain, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Growing Beyond Despair

February 13, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Good morning. It is not quite dawn here at my home as I sit to write to you. Honestly, I do not know exactly what I want to write, other than to say I’d like to continue with positive words about despair and suggestions on how to grow past it.

Yesterday, I wrote about my experience with despair and how I got past it permanently. I invite you to read that article in addition to this. Today, let’s focus on the things you can do to work toward letting go of your despair, growing beyond it.

I believe that a solution lies in the doing of something for others, but I also believe that we can’t skip over the step of looking deeply at our pain. Most people do not do this, simply because it IS painful, but the rewards we reap by exploring are many-fold. Inner peace, freedom, serenity, are a few of the rewards and these are huge!

The two single-most things I found that we can do to grow beyond despair are to journal about our feelings, our past, and to read self-help books. For me, the self-help books gave me hope, gave explanation for my feelings. I read Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation and gained immense hope and deep understanding of my inner-most desires.

Then, Claudia Black’s books about the effects of abuse in our lives gave words to my feelings and helped me climb out of the hole of despair. After Claudia’s books came Alice Miller and John Bradshaw.

All of the books I read that helped me get through despair are sitting in two boxes here in my study and if you are interested in finding out what I have and reading them, I am happy to relay to you what I have and can send to you. Call me at 415-883-8325 if you’re interested in knowing more.

So, one way to get beyond despair is to read books that speak of hope. The other way is to write, and I suggest journaling with the non-dominant hand. If you are right-handed, teach yourself to print with your left hand, for example. The rewards are tremendous, as deep feelings will flow onto the page.

At first you may discover that the feelings that arise are too painful. If so, talk to someone you trust, or to a minister, or to a counselor. The point is to get help with them, but try to continue on. Research has shown that writing with the non-dominant hand uncovers deep creativity. I found it also uncovers deep feelings.

Be gentle with yourself as feelings surface. Do this exercise for a limited time each day at a pre-designated time of the day. Even five minutes is a great start. Eat well; exercise to release the tension that may arise. Don’t act upon what you discover, as what you are feeling now will change. It will morph into more of a peace eventually.

And I cannot stress enough to get help with what you discover.

I wish you well in your healing process and seriously, call me if you’re interested in getting access to my library of healing books. 415-883-8325. May you find peace in your journey as you learn to grow beyond despair. .

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, despairing, feelings of despair, how to find peace, how to grow beyond despair, inner peace, peace

Is PTSD More Anxiety or Depression?

February 4, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Hello. Today I am going to talk about PTSD, post traumatic distress disorder. It was searched for by a Vietnam vet who is still suffering from it. Ah, my heart goes out to you and to all of you Nam vets who still suffer from this, and I want to thank you for your service and say, welcome home!

PTSD is becoming more well diagnosed for men and women who have been in combat. PTSD can strike people who were not in combat, also. It can develop for anyone who has been a victim or observer of trauma, including physical, sexual, and verbal. Symptoms include hyper-vigilance, or being acutely aware of what is going on around you at every instant in time. People with PTSD usually replay the incident(s) over and over in their mind. They are highly anxious and they are depressed.

To answer the question, is PTSD more anxiety or depression, for me, they were equal. And, the depression led to despair and hopelessness. I prayed to die at that point. I suffered PTSD from a physically abusive upbringing, being both the receiver and observer of traumatic acts. I dealt with the effects of it until I was 54 years of age, which was several years into sobriety.

PTSD was diagnosed for me after I was placed on medication for depression and I continued to be highly anxious. In fact, I was diagnosed with panic disorder, which I believe was from the PTSD. Today, for example, since finding my purpose in life and forgiving my parents for the abuse, I do not feel that hyper-vigilance, that anxiety, that panic.

What can one do who has PTSD? Well, you can seek help from a mental health clinic in your county, or see a psychiatrist. You can also see a person who administers EMDR, which stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It is a specific movement of the eyes guided by a therapist trained in EMDR, and that is what helped me, in addition to talking to a therapist, and anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. You can go to this site and this, for more information about treatment of PTSD.

So, PTSD can be equally demonstrated by high anxiety, as well as depression. It is a heck of a place in which to be, as one struggles with low energy, but has the need to watch what’s going on around them. It is exhausting because of this. There are answers, and I hope you, the Vietnam vet who searched for the phrase “is PTSD more anxiety or depression,” finds those answers and some comfort and solution in this post. You deserve peace in your life and I wish it for you.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: EMDR, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, treatment for PTSD

To Move Forward with Purpose

January 31, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning, all! May this be a day of joy and peace for you each. There was no search term that spoke to me, and today I am going to talk about what is on my mind… I am in the process of trying to move forward with purpose… The moving forward part would be about my up-coming radio show and my nervousness and excitement in anticipation.

That’s right. I was asked to host a radio talk show, and I accepted. I am both nervous and excited…

My show is called Transform Into Forgiveness. It will air for an hour every Monday at 3 pm PST at www.w4cy.com. It will be a call-in format, so people who are struggling with resentment in their lives can call in and we can talk about it on the air. My desire is to be of service to all who call in.

What I mean by that is, I hope each caller will walk away from the call with more peace in their heart. I have experienced the great seething energy that is behind a resentment. For 38 years I did. You see, I resented my parents for my upbringing all those years and was very bitter and angry about it. But I turned it inside rather than showing what I was feeling. I drank and drugged to numb my feelings. That worked for 26 years and then it no longer worked.

I became so distraught and debilitated from my drinking in the end that I finally sought sobriety. After about four years of sobriety, I discovered how to forgive my parents. The result of that has been a great freedom and a huge peace… more than I ever imagined possible.

So, back to the show… I wish for others to be able to get past resentment to that great peace and freedom, but I cannot approach the show with an agenda such as that. I can only approach it from the standpoint of trying to be of service, of trying to share my experience in hopes that it will benefit another.

My excitement is because of the newness of it all, the chance to be on the air and put forth my message of forgiveness, of peace. I am very excited about that. My nervousness starts with the technical aspects, first of all. Will I be able to skype in and technically do everything I’m supposed to do? I have been prepped, so that question remains to be seen.

The nervousness goes on to the content of the show, and my hope that I do not steer anyone in the wrong direction with what I say. I resolve to approach the show from the standpoint of “this is what I did and it worked.” I am so hopeful that my experience can be of use to others. Again, that remains to be seen.

That is all I have to say about my nervousness and excitement. I shall move forward with purpose from here-on-in. Feel free to join me on Monday the 4th, and every Monday at 3 pm PST, for Transform Into Forgiveness. Until then, may you have peace and joy as you journey. : )

Filed Under: Joyous emotions Tagged With: forgiveness, how to find peace, inner peace, move forward with purpose, peace, resentment

How to Develop Tolerance

January 19, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all! Once again, the morning got away from me yesterday and I had to leave for work for the day before I blogged. I really don’t like people coming to my site to find my blogs and not finding a new each day. Yet, there is a wealth of information to keep visitors busy.

How to develop tolerance was searched for three times yesterday and today, so I thought I’d write my thoughts on that. The definition in Webster that fits my belief of tolerance is to recognize and respect another’s ideas or beliefs without sharing them. The definition goes on to say, to bear or put up with something that is not especially liked.

I suppose tolerance boils down to one saying that is a good motto to follow, and that is, “live and let live.” If we pay attention to our own affairs, and allow others to pay attention to theirs, we are that much closer to practicing tolerance. This assumes, of course, that the other is not being a harm to themselves or others. When they are being harmful, we do not tolerate that behavior or action.

If we dislike what someone believes in or is saying, then we can remove ourselves from the situation. What if we can’t? For example, I disliked the verbal abuse I was enduring as handed out by my now ex-husband. I couldn’t leave at the time. I wasn’t strong enough emotionally. Yet, it was a choice to stay in the marriage. And, I tolerated the abuse.

In retrospect, I see that I could have made good on my threat to leave much sooner than I did. I also could have employed lots of self-talk while being verbally put down, by building myself up, telling myself what he was saying were lies, that what he was saying was a reflection of his insecurities. Much easier said than done!

In the end, when we have the strength to do so, we can remove ourselves from the vicinity of someone whose opinion and actions we do not like and thus, tolerate them, while still taking care of ourselves. We allow them to be themselves while, at the same time, we respect and tolerate our own views and opinions.

Tolerance has to do with ourselves, also. We need to learn to tolerate our foibles and failings, accept them, and then move forward to correct them. We have the power to change ourselves and our behaviors, actions, and beliefs, and we can exercise that power.

When we act in such a manner, we end up finding peace-of-mind. How do you tolerate those people in your life that you find disagreeable? Have you tried any of the things I’ve suggested here? How did it work for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, tolerance, tolerant, tolerating

Fear of Emotional Sobriety

January 17, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning, all. I hope this day is a productive one for each of you. I actually started this two days ago, and the days got away from me, so I’ll try again…

I liked it that “fear of sobriety” was searched for twice, as I had been thinking of writing about whether sobriety was for you. Fear of sobriety fits quite nicely into that question. Before we dive into it though, I want to redefine the way I will now be looking at sobriety, which is what led me to add “emotional” to “sobriety.”

Sobriety refers to more than just abstaining from substances. It also refers to behaviors, and this is what I wish to focus on from here on in when I blog. I would like to define it as the act of developing more awareness – of self, others, and surroundings – as well as becoming more enlightened spiritually. It is about going through the gates of your heart, the gates of your life.

Webs of Fear

Using this definition, let’s look at fear now. Like a fly or some other insect, we each can get stuck in the webs of fear. My fear was not only about leaving behind the substances, it was also about changing my thoughts and behaviors as well. In fact, I didn’t even know that if I became more aware of myself and others, I would find peace-of-mind. And isn’t peace our goal? Don’t we all wish for peace-of-mind?

I was slow to wake up to self-awareness and especially awareness of others, as I was so emotionally damaged. It took doing a lot of work on myself to even identify what I was feeling! I was afraid to look at myself… fearful that I would find a nobody, a worthless person with no merit.

What I have found instead over the years is a highly compassionate and caring person with lots of gifts and talents. I discovered many strengths and character traits that I didn’t even know I had! Today, I can recognize and celebrate these.

It works that way when we do our emotional work, when we take a look at who we are at our core. It is scary, and the reward is immense peace that is gained. It grows on us. We become more self-aware, and thus, develop more sobriety. Also, as we become more self-aware, we become able to be more aware of others… their needs, their desires, and we become able to treat others with respect, kindness, and tolerance.

Said another way, when we become more self-aware, we are able to show more love to ourselves and to others. We also become enlightened in spiritual principles, such as gratitude and compassion. The end result of all of this? Sobriety in our behavior and more peace-of-mind.

Will you walk through the gates of your heart to more self-awareness, awareness of others, and the ability to practice spiritual principles? Or, will you continue to allow the fear of looking at yourself keep you from emotional sobriety? The choice is yours. Which will you make? Leave a comment and let us know. : )

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: emotional sobriety, how to find peace, peace, peace of mind, Sober Living, sobriety

Surrender in Sobriety

January 14, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Good morning, everyone! I hope this is a glorious day for each of you. Today’s search term I have chosen to address is “surrender in sobriety.”

When we surrender, our sobriety moves along much more smoothly. When I say surrender, I am referring to giving in to sobriety, or letting go of trying to manage our drinking. There are many points along the way where surrender will aid the pursuit of sobriety.

Surrender of Pretense

The first thing to surrender is the pretense that all is fine for us. To quote my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing and the verse Surrender of Pretense, “I am no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind my gate of false bravado and politeness. It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me. It is time to come out from behind my gate”

Once we give up the pretense that all is fine, we need to next surrender our thought that we can manage our drinking and stay sober through our own willpower. This is a myth. People are told all the time by friends and family, “You are a strong person. Just exert your strength and you will be able to stop.” It doesn’t work that way.

We need to give up our efforts to manage our drinking, to become sober, and turn to others and a higher power for help. We need to give in to the process that occurs in sobriety. This means letting go of trying to manage and control everything, of being in charge of everything.

After giving in to our efforts to manage our drinking, we need to next surrender to a higher power in our lives that will guide us, if we allow it to do so. This higher power can be anything we want it to be: nature, God, Buddha, our favorite place to be. The point is, we stop making liquor our higher power and allow something outside of liquor and ourselves to guide us, to support us, on an on-going and continual basis.

The next thing we surrender to is a major part of the process of sobriety. This includes looking at ourselves and our behaviors, our actions, and then apologizing if it has harmed another person. We give in and realize we are not perfect, nor is our behavior. This self-appraisal is a major step to freedom and peace-of-mind. The process then includes an on-going look at our behavior, catching ourselves when we act or behave poorly. By doing this, we can right our wrong immediately; this will help tremendously to maintain our sobriety.

We now surrender to the positive things that will come our way when we have surrendered all the things I have discussed above. Sometimes we feel we are undeserving of the good that comes our way, but if we have surrendered to all the things I have discussed, then we are worthy of the good. Welcome it in.

The photo and verse above are from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, which is an accounting of my journey of healing in sobriety. It is an excellent source of guidance for you to use through the feelings that surface in sobriety. Many claim they use it as a daily meditation guide. My book is available on this site, under the “Products” tab above. When you order my book, I sign it specifically for you. You can see examples of the pages under the “About” tab; then go to “The book.”

What are some of the things that get in your way of surrendering to sobriety? Or, have you found surrender to be easy? Please leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, surrender in sobriety

How Sobriety Leads to Joy and Peace

January 13, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning! I hope this is a gentle and fulfilling day for each of you. I wish for you a sobriety that is filled with joy and peace. That’s the search term for the day about which I will blog today… the relationship of sobriety to joy and peace.

All my life I looked for joy and peace, peace-of-miind. I looked to alcohol and drugs to supply these for me, and I thought I had them when I was drunk and high. It was not until I started and lived a life of sobriety that I discovered I had no clue what joy and peace could really be.

Burst of Joy

In sobriety, I learned it was possible to heal my wounds from early life and this brought me great joy to be free of chains that bound me. My heart burst with joy when I discovered that I even COULD heal.

At first, life was quite painful in sobriety, as I was feeling my feelings without anything to numb them, to quiet them. Ah, and it was extremely difficult to stay sober, but with lots of prayer and attending support group meetings (4-5 a day), I was given the gift of continued sobriety.

The more sobriety I accumulated, the more I healed from emotional scars and pain, the more joy I felt. It was a wonderful feeling, and still is in present day. You see, every day I feel joy… joy about the life around me, joy about my peace-of-miind.

Yes, with the joy I had found, I began to experience peace. I think the biggest thing that led me to peace was learning to conduct a self-appraisal, and conducting one on a on-going basis.

At first, it was difficult to do an appraisal, as I felt shame over my behavior, my actions. Every time I thought of what I had done, or who I was, I felt shame. This was one of the negative effects of an abusive past.

Promise of Peace

After a while of doing an appraisal, however, I began to gain peace when I completed one. It began to feel really good iinside to identify my poor behavior and thoughts, and to right them. It felt good to “confess” them to another person, as part of the appraisal process involves telling another person what I had discovered.

I think that when one commits to doing an ongoing self-appraisal, one is offered the promise of peace. But the real thing that brought me to peace was when I discovered how to forgive my parents. The act of forgiveness really undid the chains that bound me emotionally.

At the end of each day, if I had done an appraisal and forgiven myself and others, I experienced the promise of peace. To this day, that is true for me, and so I gladly and without reservation perform an appraisal and look toward forgiveness.

All of this is possible because of my continued sobriety. And how about you? Do you experience joy and peace as a result of your sobriety? How does that look for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, sober, sobriety, soebr living

Feelings of Despair and Hopelessness

January 11, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and welcome back. Today I will discuss despair and hopelessness, and how to get past them. This was a search term from the 6th. There have been minimal visits to this site since that day and I am confused why that is. If anyone can clue me in, I’d be most grateful.

I have addressed despair and hopelessness before, and I would like to expand upon what I have said. Despair is giving up all hope, or being without hope. Hopelessness is the feeling that things will not and cannot get better. It is a sense of futility about continuing one’s efforts.

When one is in this space, there is a feeling of giving up. At least, that’s how it was for me in 2005 when I felt huge despair and hopelessness. I prayed to God to let me die because I did not have the courage to commit suicide. But I truly wanted my life to end because I could not go on feeling these feelings.

God did not let me die, obviously, because here I am, writing about how to get past despair and hopelessness. For me, it was a process; it did not happen overnight. The first thing that happened was I allowed myself to be treated in the mental health system; I sought out help at someone’s recommendation and urging.

When I sought out emotional help, I discovered I had major depression. Although I fought it for some time, I finally allowed the doctor to put me on an anti-depression medication. Boy, what a difference that made in my spirits! I learned that I had most likely experienced brain changes because of the physical and verbal abuse I’d endured in early years, and that the medication allowed my brain to function more normally.

That was the first thing that happened to me. The second thing that happened was when I discovered how my past experiences were of use to another person who was suffering. In fact, I was only a few steps ahead of him in the healing process, but it was enough to relay to him what I had done up until that point, such as books I had read that were helpful, the name of my therapist, and the trick of journaling, printing actually, with my left, non-dominant hand.

When I journaled that way, all sorts of deep feelings arose, as did comforting words to soothe me. The words just appeared on the page. All I did was to be willing to accept some responsibility for my healing, and to follow up by journaling, taking medication, seeing my therapist and reading self-help books that dealt with being an abused child. (Claudia Black, John Bradshaw, and Alice Miller are three that were very important to me and brought me solace and relief.)

With these practices and actions, I was slowly able to crawl out of my despair and I began to have hope. All it took was a little bit of hope, and that grew as I continued doing the things I mentioned above. Today, I am a whole person, still on medication, no longer seeing a therapist, and I experience peace and joy on a daily basis. I am extremely hopeful in the present moment and for the future. Like I said, I am at peace.

You, too, can experience relief from your despair and hopelessness. The path I took may be beneficial for you, as it was for me. The key is willingness, being willing to take an active role in your attempts to crawl out of the quagmire, and then taking action to follow up. If you elect to do that, to recover from despair and hopelessness, I wish you every success in the world.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, despair and hopelessness, hopeless, hopelessness, how to find peace, peace, suicide

How to Conduct a Self-Appraisal

January 7, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Good morning! I hope your day is filled with lightness and joy. Today the search term I want to address is conducting a self-appraisal. This is a look at ourselves, a performance evaluation if you will, and it has great benefit.

The purpose of a self-appraisal is to determine how we are coming across in the world. It is a way to assure we are treating ourselves and others with kindness, tolerance, and respect. Many believe that this is an exercise designed to beat ourselves up, but that is not the true way to do a self-appraisal. Let’s look at another way to do one.

The first thing to do when conducting a self-appraisal is to identify all of our positive points. List out in writing all of the things that we like about ourselves, all the things that others say are positive about us.

We study this list to praise ourselves and to realize that we are good people at our core. We don’t do it to brag or flaunt our positive points. Rather, we are humble about our goodness and we see our positive points as gifts.

Next, we take a block of time – a week, two weeks, or a month – and list out all of the positive things we did during that time period. We are looking at all of the positive actions and behaviors we performed during this time period. We are not braggarts in this exercise, nor are we demeaning or disregarding of our behavior and actions. Once these positive points are identified, we sit with them, being with them, allowing them to sink into our consciousness and awareness.

Then, to continue our self-appraisal, we turn our attention to our negative and less-than-desireable actions and behaviors. This is done in a fact-finding fashion. In other words, we do not identify these things so we can beat ourselves up or feel guilt and remorse, although these may surface.

When we identify our negative points, our poor behaviors – and we all have them – we resolve to be responsible for our behavior by owning it. To own it, we first become aware and conscious of it, then we do whatever is necessary to change it. This part of the self-appraisal involves either apologizing for our actions or resolving to not repeat the behavior. We do not apologize if it will be hurtful to another; we simply change our behavior.

We are totally honest in this part of the self-appraisal, not cutting ourselves slack or giving excuses for our bad behavior and actions. The point is to shine the light of consciousness and awareness on them. Once we have done this, we own it, as I said above.

Bad behavior includes gossip, by the way, as this is spiritual assassination of another. We stop engaging in this behavior as a way to apologize to the one we denigrated. Often, we have done something that was mean to another, they reacted in a predictable, human way, and we are now resentful of their response to our meanness. If this is the case for us, we let go of the resentment and apologize, if it’s appropriate.

The benefits of a self-appraisal are that we feel more peace, more freedom of mind and heart. We become more gentle, tolerant, and respectful of people. Inside, the feelings we have for ourselves improve, become stronger and more positive.

I cannot say enough how freeing doing a self-appraisal is. We will be amazed at the benefits we experience. It will make us better people, less angry and bitter toward others In fact, the article I wrote on going from anger to forgiveness spells out the entire process and is something you will want to read. You can get it by leaving your name and email to the right. So leave them now and you will receive the article, which will further this process of the self-appraisal.

Armed now with the way to do a self-appraisal, we can now enjoy the peace and freedom we experience.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: freedom, freedome, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal

Living with Grace

January 2, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Sweep of Grace

Good morning! I liked the search term “living with grace” as a topic to continue with in the new year. I like Webster’s definition that grace is beauty and charm of form, movement, composition, or expression.

In my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, I speak of grace. “Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.” I say this because, for me, grace is a gentle and quiet gift I receive when I live with love in my heart.

I found grace in sobriety. It just happened one day after a few years of staying sober and working through my issues. I noticed a calm and quietness, a gentleness, which pervaded my being. Ah, I thought. This is grace. It is a lovely and comforting feeling that I experience frequently these days.

When I am in grace, kindness, gentleness, tolerance, and kindness just come naturally and quietly, gracefully, with no effort. It’s a gift from the Universe, from the powers-that-be, and I am grateful to have it in my life.

I found the following quote in my papers. I don’t know where it came from, but it is grace in action. “When the voices of self-destruction scream and slowly alienate any sense of self-worth, the healing perspective of soul dialogue will prevail.” That’s grace in action.

You will know you are experiencing grace when things just fall into place gently and quietly. You will feel a deep knowingness in your being. You will be at peace.

For 2013, I wish for you grace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions Tagged With: grace, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, sober, sobriety

Rewards of Sobriety

December 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning on this foggy morning in the Bay Area. I was sitting on the front enclosed porch with my coffee, watching the day awaken, and the sky got a pink glow to it as the sun rose. Pretty soon, I was surrounded in pink. It was beautiful.

That is one of the biggest rewards of sobriety – being able to enjoy a sunrise without being hung over. I love not having hangovers. Used to be that I awoke and was badly hung over for about 6 hours, so much so that I couldn’t function, had to eat hot burritos from Taco Bell or a greasy thigh from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After I felt better, I functioned until 5 pm, when I started drinking and did it all over again.

What a miserable existence that was. I was missing out on experiencing things like sunrises. But in sobriety, I enjoy them and so much more. In sobriety, I find I am able to open my heart in a very genuine way to others and to myself. The feeling of really caring about another, seeing them with gentleness and kindness, is so soothing to my spirit.

Compassion is another emotion I am able to feel in sobriety and that allows me to connect with others in a very intimate way. My soul is fed when that happens. It has led me to forgiveness.

Perhaps the biggest reward of sobriety is my ability to look at myself – my actions, words, behaviors – and be responsible for them, fully responsible. It is humbling at times as I realize how I’ve treated another poorly, or treated myself poorly, had negative thoughts about myself, beat myself up. Being responsible for myself and my behavior has led me to inner peace, as I can settle the score with myself and others as I go through the day.

The reward of sobriety for me also includes being able to care for others in a deep and meaningful way. It’s hard to describe the feeling that evokes, but it feels great! I also have much more patience, and I allow others to be themselves, accepting them as they are.

So, a lack of hangovers, feeling more kindness, gentleness and compassion toward others, being self-responsible, and generally being more aware of my physical surroundings are my rewards of sobriety.

What are the rewards of sobriety that you experience? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, humble, humility, living sober, peace, peace of mind, rewards of sobriety, Sober Living, sobriety

Fulfilling Your Dream in Sobriety

December 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fulfillment of Dreams

Good morning! Today, I liked the search term “fulfilling your dream,” and I added “in sobriety,” because it has been my experience that in sobriety, dreams can and do come true.

I experienced one of my dreams – that of being in the big-time sailing world, when I lived aboard a sailboat for three years. I was still drinking at the time. In sobriety, the dreams I have fulfilled started as those of an emotional nature, and grew to be concrete things and experiences.

I had a dream, All of my life I dreamed of being happy, finding happiness and being at peace. I looked everywhere for these – in others, in experiences, in situations. But I never looked within for happiness, for peace.

Then, in sobriety, I began to learn how to find happiness and fulfillment from within. I began to experience more and more happiness the more I looked inside for it. If someone had told me I needed to look inside myself for happiness, for peace, for fulfillment of my dreams, I would have scoffed and turned away in disgust.

Now, in sobriety, I know that the only way to find fulfillment and, thus, happiness and peace, is ultimately through a self-assessment, a self-appraisal. In this process, I ferret out the things about myself that are keeping me from moving forward toward my dream.

In my case, my dream was to be a published author, and I have accomplished this with the publishing of my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. That dream was present as a child, and I apparently stated one day that I was going to write a book. I don’t recall that, but the desire remained with me subconsciously, and here we are – with a book I wrote, photographed, and published.

Then, when I was a senior in high school, I was a lead in the school musical, and from that point, I discovered I loved being on stage and vowed to become a speaker one day. That dream is coming true for me. I have launched myself as a motivational speaker, and have been speaking to a variety of groups. It is all possible because of my sobriety, and only my sobriety.

Through that state, the state of being sober, I learned more about myself to dispel the myths and lies I was told at a young age, lies that shaped me into a distorted and stormy being in adulthood. I had to learn to see my goodness as a person, my positive points, and once I became able to see myself in a positive light, with love, I became able to see others with gentleness and kindness, and I experienced happiness, peace.

Since we’re talking about peace, I’d like to say that although we have not achieved that state, I can pass along the peace I feel toward others in day-to-day contact with them. It leads to a peaceful existence in my world. So, I am in the process of fulfilling another dream in sobriety.

So, how can you fulfill your dream in sobriety? You can focus on your sobriety, on learning how to do a self-appraisal to uncover your goodness, and then you can learn how to show yourself kindness, gentleness, and compassion for the wounded person you were, for believing the negative things about yourself that you were told.

Once you reach this point, you begin to relax and start listening to the tugging of your heart, the whisper of your soul, telling you that you have a dream that wants to be fulfilled. Because you have positive thoughts and feelings about yourself, you come forth with self-confidene in your dream, following your heart’s messages, and soon, your dream has started to become a reality.

Sometimes, that day comes after years, because you have held your dream in your heart, reserving a little space for it, sending it attention every now-and-again. It commies suddenly, as you realize one day that you are living your dream. Only through your sobriety, though, can you access your urgings. Only in sobriety, do you have the courage to move forward in the face of fear, to fulfill your dream.

What is your heart’s desire and what are you doing to fulfill it? Have you mastered doing a self-appraisal, such that you can define your positivity? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Overcome Hopelessness in Sobriety

December 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I have been silent for a couple of days and please pardon that. I tried writing a couple of posts, but the words just wouldn’t come. I needed a break, I guess… Today I am back with renewed vigor, and shall write about overcoming hopelessness in sobriety.

One of the greatest gifts of sobriety you will discover is feeling better about yourself, learning who you are at your core and learning to cherish what you find. It happens slowly, over time, often without you knowing it is happening, and one day, you just realize you are a good person.

When you get to this point in your sobriety, you begin to feel better. You have a new-found strength about you that helps you feel hope again. You are renewed with the ability to grow into hope for a better today, a better tomorrow. When you feel you have some redeeming qualities, you feel hopeful.

You can also begin to feel hope again if you provide service to others, specifically to those who are suffering from the same feelings you are. You can share with them how you have found hope again, and this will make your life meaningful to another. When this happens, you feel more hope. Remember, you only need to be two steps in front of them in the journey.

When you can be of use to another, the quality of your sobriety improves. As I said, the best way to do this is to be of service. It will help you get out of yourself for a time period and will show you that the experiences you’ve had are for a purpose – to help others suffering like you are suffering. When you are able to get out of yourself, you will be filled with more hope… hope that things can get better for you.

What shall you speak to others about that can offer them solace and hope themselves? How can you put your difficult experiences to use that are plaguing you? How will you be of service to another? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Dealing with LIving Sober

December 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The search term I chose today is “dealing with living sober.” This is a great topic for me, as I enjoy my sobriety so much, I am happy to discuss what I do to keep living sober.

In early sobriety, I dealt with things differently then in later years of sobriety. When I would “fall off the cliff,” as I called it, early in sobriety, I went right to my journal and wrote for a couple of hours. That provided a great deal of solace. And, I went to a support group meeting and shared about my angst, the feelings I was experiencing.

You need to have a plan for what to do when you are going to slip from living sober. For example, calling someone right away, going to a meeting of your support group, writing… You also can take a brisk walk or engage in some other form of physical activity. When things are really squirrely for you, remember to just do the next indicated thing, the next thing that appears on your path. This might be washing the dishes, or taking a nap.

That’s how I dealt with living sober when I was new to sobriety. Now, after twelve years, I still do the next indicated thing in my path to do, and that often includes going to a meeting or calling someone. It also involves getting involved in my work, or doing chores around the house. I actually have few moments when I want to slip from living sober, if any at all…

We, as drinkers, often drank to celebrate the good things that occurred in our lives. You will have to have a different plan and way of celebrating so you can remain living sober. Again, sharing about your successes at a group level, or writing about them is helpful. Pat yourself on the back for your success, and don’t get cocky about it. Be humble and gracious.

You may wish to get involved in activities that feed your soul to maintain living sober. Maybe a woodworking group, or a card game such as bridge. But the most definite way to remain living sober is to help others, to be of service. As soon as you help another, your spirits lift and you are so happy to be living sober that you vow to do anything to stay that way.

Here are just a few ways of living sober when things get tough or are glorious. They have helped me, anyway. What do you do to stay sober, to remain living sober? Leave a comment and let us know what you do.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: dealing with living sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Joys of Sobriety

December 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning. I hope the two-part series on PTSD despair brought you solace… comfort, and that you were able to see there are actions you can take to help you out of despair. Today nothing really jumped out at me in the search terms, and I am going to write about the joys of sobriety.

Perhaps the biggest joy initially for me was the lack of hangovers. Mine had been extremely severe for about seven years, so not having them was a very welcomed relief. Today, it is nice to wake up clear and wide-eyed, ready to enjoy the new day without nausea, without vomiting, without a splitting headache. You, too, will revel in this new-found result of sobriety.

The faces of my sobriety changed as time went on, and for about six months, I was on what is referred to as a pink cloud, where everything is grand, where everything was so exciting, seen for the first time in years with eyes of wonder and awe. Yes, I felt the pain of my grief from the unrequited love, but it was interspersed with the joy of sobriety, so much so that it gave me the overall sense of well-being for a few months.

You may experience the pink cloud. If and when you do, enjoy it to the fullest. It is helpful to combat the feelings of angst that will arise as you begin to feel more and more of your feelings. Speaking of the angst that will appear in sobriety, know that it is passing, it will pass, and what you are left with is incredible freedom, incredible peace.

Think of the period of angst as one in which you are healing from old wounds so you can start fresh, start anew with your life. Stick with sobriety through this difficult period because the rewards are tremendous. First is the lack of hangovers, as we said, and then the pink cloud. Then, there is a depth to everything you do, everything you see, where you feel connected to the world around you, as well as the people in it.

In sobriety, you become able to see others with softness, gentleness, kindness, and compassion. When you heal, you become more and more interested in helping others, in being of service. You think less and less about making sure you get what you want, because it just comes to you. You become more in-tune with the physical world around you, as you begin to notice plant life, architecture, scenery.

Sobriety leads to a positive attitude, an attitude of gratitude. You see everything that comes along with gratitude… you are grateful for all that occurs, as you know it is for your highest good, even though it may not feel like that at times. Sobriety helps your relationships, as you are less judgmental and critical of yourself and others. You have less to argue about, less fault to find.

In fact, sobriety eventually allows you to take full responsibility for your feelings, your actions and behaviors, and you are fueled by this in your ability to maintain a positive, grateful attitude. You look forward to life unfolding for you, taking action, while letting go of results and letting life flow to you.

Yes, sobriety is filled with joy after you go through the angst of examining and repairing the past. Perhaps the best thing is the feelings of goodwill that you have toward yourself. Your self-pity will have resolved. You will feel good about who you are and you will recognize you are worthy of good things, that you are a worthwhile person, not the worthless one you were told you were.

There is a saying in recovery circles, “Don’t leave before the miracle happens,” and that is so true. I invite you to stick with your sobriety so that you, too, can experience the miracles and joys of sobriety.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: attitude of gratitude, compassion, gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

PTSD Despair – the Conclusion

December 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today, we conclude the post about PTSD despair. Yesterday, we ended with me saying I wanted to share my experience of what was happening at the end, when I was praying to die. Here’s what was going on for me.

I had been in a state of decreased energy, of lethargy, for weeks, feeling that my abusive past had occurred only to make my life miserable. Other than that, there was no purpose to it, there was no purpose to me, to my life. This was my state-of-mind at about five years of sobriety. One day, I was at a group meeting for that sobriety, and a man shared about the difficulties he was experiencing from his childhood that were affecting him today. It sounded like what I had been through, but I was a few steps ahead of him in the process of healing. So, I went up after the meeting and began to talk with him.

I first asked him for permission to share some things with him. After he said yes, I related to his experience by relaying some of what I had been through. Then I began to talk of the books I had read that had been helpful with the symptoms of abused people, such as Claudia Black, Alice Miller, John Bradshaw, books that had helped with my healing. I relayed how wondrous my therapist was in dealing with recovery issues, both for my alcoholism and my abusive past and the characteristics I was displaying, and was able to give him her number.

What I had to say was useful to him – I could see it in his face, in his eyes. He was so grateful for the information, he almost cried. As I walked back to my car, I realized in a flash that I DID have purpose, my abusive past WAS for a reason. That reason was to help others who were dealing with what I had overcome, even if I was just two steps in front of them in a couple areas. If I had not endured the abuse, I never would have been able to offer him anything. Therefore, my abuse had a purpose.

I had a purpose. From that point, I realized my purpose in life was to connect with people who were suffering emotionally, and relay the things that had helped me, so that the information could be of use to them.

In your case, with PTSD, let’s say you are a veteran, reliving the trauma you experienced, the terror, living in anger over the grief of premature deaths you witnessed, dealing with the guilt that somehow you could have prevented it. You are living a nightmare, and, yet, I invite you to take action to get out of the place where you currently are. Here is what I invite you to try. It worked for me.

Seek assistance from a qualified therapist, versed in PTSD issues. They exist at VA medical centers, if you are a vet, and interviewing a potential therapist about their experiences with PTSD treatment will help guide you in the right direction in selecting a well-versed therapist. I looked for a therapist that was versed in alcohol recovery and who knew the effects and treatment for being an abused child, for example, because at the time, I had not been diagnosed with PTSD.

After you select a therapist, ask about the use of EMDR, or get that yourself. It was roughly $100 a session and I needed three. I would imagine the VA centers have someone available to do it or could refer you. Do some reflection about your feelings of despair, your lack of purpose in the world, your guilts, your grief… writing, journalling was extremely helpful to me to get feelings out, and especially because I wrote with my left, non-dominant hand. They say that writing with the non-dominant hand brings forth new information from the other side of the brain, and it stimulates you with deeper thoughts. I invite you to try it.

I invite you to stop drinking, if you are doing so. The liquor fuels the symptoms that you are experiencing, especially the anger. I know it doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the middle of it. But your world remains very small while you are drinking, filled with resentments and bitterness, guilt and remorse. You look for relief for these things in the alcohol, yet you will never find them there. It is in the absence of alcohol that you will find relief. There are many resources to help you stop drinking that are listed in the yellow pages, or on the internet. For me personally, I found getting sober to be the beginning of the process that has allowed me to find the peace I looked for in alcohol and drugs. I invite you in from the cold.

Finally, I’d like to invite you to look at the cause of your PTSD despair, and discover how that experience, the experience over which you despair, can be useful to another if you were to share with them your experience and what one, maybe two, steps you’ve taken to heal. All you have to be is two steps ahead of them in the healing process. I cannot describe the way my heart soared to know I had been of use to another and I invite you to experience it also.

I hope these two posts have been useful for you. I wish you well in your journey. May you have peace.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: EMDR, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, PTSD, PTSD despair, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Maintain Your Sobriety

November 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The search terms about sobriety always jump out at me, and this morning, I have chosen how to maintain your sobriety to which I would like to respond, as there are many actions you can take to maintain it.

First of all to maintain your sobriety, don’t drink, no matter what. No matter if you have experienced difficult emotions, experienced the death of a loved one, or loss of a job or marriage, don’t drink over the feelings that arise. Instead, talk to someone about your feelings. Remember, a pain or struggle shared is a pain or struggle divided and conquered.

You can also journal about your feelings that have arisen. I recommend journalling with your non-dominat hand, as all sorts of things will surface when you do this. You will get to relief more quickly if you journal with your non-dominant hand.

Secondly, to maintain your sobriety, join a support group of your choosing. This is paramount to your success. You see, when you are part of a group that you attend regularly, you have at your disposal a release for your emotions. You can talk at group meetings about any pain or struggles you are experiencing, and in doing so, you will find relief.

Thirdly, in sobriety, it is necessary to learn how to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself – your strengths and good points, and then your negative traits and behaviors. It is especially important to keep an eye on your negative or bad behavior and to apologize when you recognize that you have erred. By keeping on top of your bad behavior, it offers the chance to practice humility and compassion for yourself.

Fourth, make the choice to see the world around you with joy and wonder and gratitude. Adopt these attitudes and you will go through your life with more grace. You will be more able to maintain your sobriety.

Fifth, be of help to another. Being of service helps you to get out of yourself and your woes. It lessens the chance to fall prey to self-pity. You see, self-pity is a real killer of peace and happiness, a killer of sobriety.

There is a sixth thing I’d like to mention and that is to be responsible for yourself in all ways. That includes taking responsibility for your healing. Whether you were wronged or not, you need to grab ahold of the ring and learn how to get through and past your hurts and angers, your sadnesses and grief. Your job in life is to heal from the wounds you sustained while growing up. You see, we all experience wounds in our early years, and our job is to get to the bottom of those wounds, and to heal and grow from them.

When you do these things, you experience both physical and emotional sobriety. Isn’t that what you’re looking for? If it is, then you can create it.

How do you maintain your sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Opening the Gates of the Heart

November 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The creation of my nationally-acclaimed, award-winning book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, is evidence of God at work in my life, as He, through me, created a lovely book of photographs of wrought-iron gates and inspirational verses that is a pathway to peace, a daily meditation or reflection.

You see, I had no idea I was creating the book for the first several years of its existence. This is a story that is so profound, as I discovered the verses for the book, written in my journals before I even photographed and titled the gates! It was nine months after shooting the gates that I realized verses from my journals gave words to the images far beyond the visual element, words that flowed upon the page, that emanated from deep within me as I journaled with my left, non-dominant hand. These are the verses that comprise, verbatim, seventy-five percent of the verses in the book.

As I reflected upon these words, I realized that I want to extend an offer to you for the book, for the holidays. I am offering my book, personally signed for you, a friend, or a loved one, for $20.00, from now until December 24th. This cost includes shipping via media mail.

To get this offer, you need to circumvent the current price of $25.00 on the website by calling me directly to place your order. 415-883-8325. I will send you the book with an invoice and you can send me a check, or you can pay by credit card over the phone.

I want to offer this special because I want you or your loved one to experience the hope, joy, and peace that you will experience when you read Opening the Gates of the Heart. And, I offer this because I want to thank you for your loyalty in following my blog, my work. It is what I have to offer to you. Whether you are trying to get or stay sober, recovering as a child of a alcoholic parent, or a veteran looking for solace, you will find magic in the book’s pages.

To see if Opening the Gates of the Heart is a match for you or as a gift for that someone special in your life, check out the endorsements, under the “About” tab above. You can also see some of the book’s pages on “About the Book,” under the “About” tab above. The book is a tribute to the resiliency and beauty of the human spirit, and will bring you more calm, more peace, in your life.

Spend some time checking out the book and then call to order your copy or copies today. I look forward to being of service to you through my book.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace

Moving Past Resentments in Sobriety

November 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Moving past resentments in sobriety” and “I promise you a life of joy and wonderment” were the search phrases that jumped out at me this morning. They go hand-in-hand, one follows after the other. When you get past your resentments, there IS a world of joy and wonderment out there.

In recovery circles, it is a well-known fact that resentment is the number one reason people drink. Interestingly, the CDC cited that in 2011 in the US, there were 11.8 million substance abusers. Wow. Assume that most of them have resentments, and that’s a lot of resentment flying around out there!

I found it possible in sobriety to get past my resentment I had held tightly for 38 years. It was against my parents for things that happened while I was growing up. I was very angry and bitter, but didn’t show it. I kept it all inside, bottled up. But when I drank, it came out, often big-time. in the form of rage or huge despair and wailing with grief from my losses.

My life became one of victimhood, living life as the victim, and “poor me,” “you’d drink, too, if you suffered what I did.” I was consumed by self-pity. Before sobriety, while I was still drinking, I had no clue that there was a way out of this nightmare. I had no ability to see that I was creating my own misery through the fueling of my resentment against the folks.

I was creating my own misery by failing to take responsibility for my own feelings, to heal from the grief and hurt. That took some time in sobriety to discover that it was my responsibility to do so. And, I had a choice to continue being bitter or to work myself free of the chains that were binding me. Ahhhhh, a choice… Sobriety led me down the path to freedom when it helped me realize I always have a choice in everything I do. We all do. Yes, even you.

What I found after I worked through my resentments, has been great joy and wonder at the world around me… the physical world and all Her wonders, as well as the people in the world, and all of their wonders. I learned to have greater kindness and tolerance for others… great compassion. The more I practiced those things, the more wondrous things became in what the person revealed to me about themselves, what they shared with me, how they treated me. Closer bonds have been established. It has been true joy and wonderment.

So how can you get from your resentment to that joy and wonder about which I speak? It’s a process… a process of looking at your wounds and feelings, and identifying where that keeps you stuck in present day. It’s about using that process to look with new eyes at the resentment and the person whom you resent, until you are able to reach forgiveness.

This is a process I guide people through in my one-on-one coaching. If you want to experience joy and wonderment in your life, you may be interested in learning more. Go to “Coaching” under the “Services” tab. We can work on that resentment that is keeping you from joy and wonder, and you can experience more peace during this holiday season.

I was indignant about looking at my “stuff.” After all, I was justified! I WAS a victim. That’s a fact. But there came a time in sobriety when I realized I just couldn’t carry my bitterness any more. It was affecting my ability to get to true sobriety, emotional sobriety. What I discovered was forgiveness and that helped me to find joy and wonder, peace and freedom.

How about you? How do you work through your resentments in sobriety? Have you reached joy and wonderment in your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, resentful, resenting, resentment, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, wonder, wonderment

Willingness is the Key to Sobriety

November 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I see that I forgot to write yesterday and I apologize to those of you who visited and found no new post. I think from now on, I will take Sundays off from blogging…

Today, the search term that caught my attention was “willingness is the key.” I wanted to write about this because it IS the key to sobriety and to so much more. Willingness is the thing that can bring so much into your life, when you practice it.

Webster defines willingness as the noun of willing, which is to act readily, cheerfully, and gladly. Notice it is to “act,” so willingness takes action on your part. I have found that to be willing, I have to approach situations with a new look, with new eyes. I have to let go of my idea of how things need to go, for example, take action and see what evolves as a result.

Willingness involves being open to what can happen in your life – open to change, open to new ways of doing things. It is a softening of your resistance so you can accept in the new. In the case of sobriety, it is being open to try it, to do it, to commit to it. If you are having trouble being willing, ask the Universe for the willingness to be willing to have willingness.

Once you show just a little willingness, the door opens wide and the ability to be willing comes flowing in to you. It is not just a softening of your resistance; it is also an excitement of anticipation of what can happen. In the case of sobriety, willingness will make or break your efforts.

First, you have to be willing to even get sober, to try sobriety. That involves acting readily to let go of alcohol as your friend and companion. Next, you will need to have the willingness to approach what you find in sobriety with an open mind – open to new ideas, new ways of doing things. It means getting rid of your contempt prior to investigation. The act of willingness allows you to look with excitement at what you are doing.

Along the way, you will need the willingness to feel your feelings without numbing them out with substances or activity, just being with them. If you show the willingness for this, the Universe will help you through your feelings. You will need the willingness to take others’ suggestions, even when you don’t want to. You may need to be willing to seek professional help, for example, to get through emotions related to the past.

Yes, willingness is truly the key to getting sober and staying sober. It is the key to open the doors in so many areas of your life. How do you practice willingness? Does it come easily to you, or do you struggle with it? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being willing, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness, willingness is the key

What Happens When You Surrender to Sobriety?

November 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I am going to address two of the search terms from early this morning – how to surrender to sobriety and joyous emotions. The reason I chose these two is because once you do get sober, you experience joyous emotions. I want to be very clear that my joyous emotions are possible only through my sobriety. I proved otherwise for 26 years of drinking.

The “how to surrender to sobriety” sounds like a plea to me. Sounds like someone is recognizing their need to start sobriety, and cannot get to surrender, can’t go there. I surrendered after spending several months in deep and debilitating grief over an unrequited love. So, my surrender was very difficult and when I finally asked for help, I was desperate. I was begging for help. You don’t have to get to that point.

On the other hand, my surrender to decide to attend a support group to help to stop drinking came with grace. The friend I was living with said to me that she had been to this group before and did I want to join her? I just quietly said yes, without even thinking. This part was easy. It was getting to the decision to quit, finally quit, that was difficult, that brought me to my knees emotionally. Let’s look at that for a minute.

I kept on and on with my drinking because I knew of no other way to deal with my pain over the unrequited love, over childhood issues. I was afraid if I quit, I would wither away to nothingness, that it would zap what little energy I had left. The reality was, starting in sobriety actually gave me more energy, I found, because I was not so badly hung over every morning, that I had to eat greasy or spicy foods to control it.

I couldn’t even name my pain, I was that far gone in the ability to know what I was feeling. The thing is, as I said, I was afraid to give up the only way I knew of to deal with the pain. What I didn’t know was, the longer I kept drinking, the longer I prolonged the ability to feel joyous emotions. I prolonged the ability to get through and past my grief over the unrequited love, the anger over my childhood. It was a vicious circle.

Let me just say that, in the end, I adore and cherish my sobriety and if I had one regret, it would be that I didn’t do it sooner. If I had, I could have spent less years in emotional misery from childhood issues. That’s because, with the aid of the support group, I was able to get to the point of dealing with the childhood issues and thus, healing from them.

If you were to ask me, I would tell you that sobriety is so well worth it. Yes, it sucks at first and sometimes for a few years. But in the end, when you clear out all the past debris, when you can visit the past only to make it possible to move forward in the present, you reach a space where you find peace and freedom. And joy. Tremendous joy and excitement about the things around you, especially the people.

Then there’s wonder. In sobriety. You see everything and everyone with great awe and wonder, as you focus on one moment to the next, taking it all in. Along comes grace, that space where you somewhat float along, where the ability to roll with everything that is going on descends upon you like a cloak. And, of course, there is peace, a deep knowingness that all is well, that all is going as planned.

I wish you well on your journey to sobriety and hope that you can approach surrender to it with grace and wonder, instead of with the attitude of giving up in defeat. Yes, you are defeated by alcohol, but that doesn’t mean YOU’RE defeated as a person. You have treasure trove of things to discover about yourself and others. Happy discovery.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I surrender to alcohol, how to find peace, inner peace, joy, joyous emotions, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, surrender

Feelings of Grace

November 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Feelings of Grace” was the search term many times over this morning, so I will write about grace. I invite you to look up the meaning of the word in the dictionary or in wikopedia, as the description is lengthy. Just to recap, though, it is a pleasing quality, a favor, or thanks. It is an attractive quality, feature, or manner.

For me, grace is something that comes to me, that is a gift. Here are the image and verse that are in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Sweep of Grace

“Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

It swoops down on me and does things like give me the ability to show true compassion for another’s plight, another’s sufferings. And I mean at a very deep level. And grace allows me to offer understanding to that other through my words of solace and comfort. Grace is that gift that came to me in the form of a book that has allowed me to even know what words of solace and comfort are actually comforting and which are not.

I got that information, btw, from The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Edition, by John W. James and Russell Friedman. This book is appropriate for any of us because they deal with all losses that we experience, such as the familiar – due to death or divorce – yet they expand the scope of the need for grieving by adding losses due to moving when we were children, or even adults, to moving or losing a job, or losing a pet. They define it as any loss and we all have endured many losses during the course of our lives which they contend we have not addressed and which continue to affect our feelings, and, thus, our actions and behaviors in the world.

Grace is that pleasing favor which descends upon me and allows me to write these blogs, to share about my past, my personal life in a desire to be useful to you. It just quietly shows up. I feel knowingness deep within when it does, and that’s what part of being in grace is for me. Deep knowingness, abiding peace.

Grace is one of the multiple gifts I have received as a result of my sobriety. I’m sure I felt grace before getting sober, yet, I didn’t recognize what it was, probably thought it was my due right and something I caused through my efforts. Not that getting to grace doesn’t involve action on your part – it does – yet, I am referring to things that occur in my life due to the Universe’s grace, or God’s grace, that I set in motion the energy from which it evolved.

This is getting very deep for me and I will close by saying that grace is one of those things that brings a slow smile to you face, a deep contentment to your heart and soul, and I invite you to let it in by relaxing and seeing what flows into your life after you take action on a need, want, or dream.

May you have joy and peace on your journey.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: feelings of grace, finding inner peace, grace, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, sober, sobriety, sweep of grace

Compassion – the Forerunner to Forgiveness

November 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I spoke about forgiveness and said that to get to forgiveness, one needs to feel and show compassion for the one who has wronged you. Compassion is sorrow for the sufferings of another, often accompanied with the urge to help. You can feel deep sympathy and tenderness for the other, but you might not want to help them, and that’s okay. You can still feel compassion.

I discovered how compassion can lead to forgiveness quite by accident. One day, after about 2 years sober, I was doing my second or third self-appraisal, in essence a performance evaluation. I was considering the few relationships I had had with men, and what I did to lead to their demise. One of the things I identified was the way in which I would get drunk and scream at these men how worthless they were, that they would amount to nothing.

I was appalled when I remembered this! I was responsible for the ravaging of their soul and it was a bitter pill to swallow. I felt compassion for them for having to endure what I inflicted. I also felt compassion for myself because I actually said those words to them, but I meant them about me; I felt worthless and that I wasn’t amounting to anything. I felt compassion for the wounded soul I was.

One day soon after this realization, the thought hit me that my father might have actually said those words to me repeatedly because he felt them about himself. After all, that had been the case for me, why not him also? I began to realize he endured his own wounds at the hands of his father. Suddenly, the door was opened a crack to compassion for him, another wounded soul.

With the door opened a little bit, I kept returning to that feeling of compassion and soon, after about another two years, I had found my way to forgiveness for both of my parents for the treatment I received while I was growing up. The feeling of peace that washed over me was tremendous. Years of pain and misery melted from me. The key to my forgiveness was the compassion I felt for my father as a wounded person himself.

You, too, can look with compassion at the one who wronged you. The chances that they received their own wounds is high. Think of them as you would think about any wounded person, feeling sorrow and sympathy for them. When you extend compassion to them, you will experience forgiveness, and this will lead to more peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace

How to Achieve Forgiveness

October 31, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to achieve forgiveness” is the search term which stuck out for me this morning. Interestingly, I just finished revising my report about forgiveness. You can get that report by leaving your email address to the right. The report details step-by-step how to get past anger and find forgiveness.

The thing is, if you are dealing with anger and grudges that you have held for a long time, they are affecting everything in your life. That anger winds its way into everything you do, affects everyone you talk to. You may be seeing the effects of anger in your relationships with your spouse, children, boss, or others. If you’re tired of this, then read on to find out the process of forgiveness.

Once you identify you have an underlying anger, you can make the decision to do something about it. Perhaps you are being forced into doing something about your anger, like… you are heading for a divorce or loss of your job. If something like this is the case, then you will want to read on…

To overcome anger and grudges, you need to look at forgiveness as a way to dispel that anger. Most people think that to forgive means you are condoning and pardoning what was done to you. That is not the case. You are not letting the other person off the hook, you are merely deciding to forgive because the anger is affecting your life.

To get a handle on your anger, your grudge, look at what is underneath the anger. It is usually hurt, or the pain of betrayal, for example. Allow yourself to feel that hurt, that pain. Then make a decision that you want something better for your life than a life filled with anger and bitterness. Make a decision that you want peace in your life.

Many people drink over their angers. In fact, resentments are the number one reason people drink, according to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was the case for me; I drank heavily to fuel my anger, my indignation. I stayed a bitter person for 38 years as a result. Then I found sobriety and after a while, that all changed. I found forgiveness and then I realized I wanted peace instead of anger.

Actually, I stumbled across forgiveness one day. I realized I did the very same thing to others that had been done to me in childhood… I called others worthless and no good. When I realized I meant those words about myself, I began to wonder if the person who said those words to me actually meant them about himself rather than me.

That opened the door to allow me to consider that person with compassion. Through compassion, I was able to discover a way to forgive. I do not condone what happened nor excuse the behavior, but I can see why it occurred and that has made all the difference. It was possible through my decision to get sober and then lead a life of sobriety. In order to remain sober, I needed to let go of the anger. Luckily, I discovered forgiveness.

If you are looking at your anger issues and thinking you need to do something about them, then you may wish to read the in-depth description of how to find forgiveness that is in my special report. Get that report by leaving your email to the right. In exchange, you will receive an occasional, about once a month, email from me with tidbits about ways to maintain peace in your life.

Here’s to your ability to find forgiveness. It leads to freedom like you have never experienced. May you enjoy it!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: dealing with anger, forgiveness, forgiving, How to Achieve Forgiveness, how to find forgiveness, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Overcoming Hopelessness

October 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

There were three search terms about hopelessness yesterday, so I want to address it. Hopelessness is the feeling one has that things cannot and will not get better. It is a feeling that you are at the end of your rope, cannot go on. It’s a miserable and difficult place to be.

I was about 5-6 years sober when hopelessness hit me full-force. Nothing I did mattered. I had no energy or “spark” to try anything new to get past the hopeless feeling. I just wanted to die and I prayed to God to let that happen.

Well, I continued to live until one day, I had the good fortune to discover my purpose in life, which gave me a reason to live, and that gave me hope. My purpose involves being of service to others. There is something grounding about being of service to others, something that makes your actions so much more meaningful than if you are doing something just for yourself.

I had been despairing and hopeless about the years of abuse I had endured; I believed there was no purpose to that experience. Then, I was shown that there was a purpose to that experience, and it was that I was to share with others how I healed from the effects of the abuse so that others might be helped past their pain and wounds.

With a purpose, my hopelessness was silenced and I came out of despair. All my actions had as my purpose to be of service to others. This further silenced my hopelessness.

You, too, can find hope when you discover your life’s purpose, your purpose right now. It may be to nurture your children or husband, or to share your story with others so that they might grow and heal. As you go through the day, stay aware of what is going on around you and notice when you feel “at home” with an activity or feeling.

Notice what you are doing when that feeling of being complete and whole comes over you. Perhaps, this is your calling… doing in the world the activity that brings you calm and peace. Once you have identified the thing that gives you great pleasure, keep engaging in it. If it is helping others through sharing your experiences and triumphs, then keep sharing.

To overcome hopelessness, uncover your purpose in life and engage in it. It will fulfill you, and you will get past the hopelessness.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: hopeless, hopelessness, how to find peace, inner peace, motivational words to the hopeless, peace

Living Sober Is Not Rewarding When You’re Dying Inside

October 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Living sober is not rewarding when you’re dying inside” is today’s search term that stuck out for me. How very true. When you’re in the middle of your healing, your growing, your awareness, living sober is harder than hell. It IS hell!

I can remember screaming at my sponsor that living sober was not better than drinking, that life was far better when I was drinking. It was at that time. However, I neglected to recall the emotional misery I was in inside during my drinking days. Also, I was not waiting for the pain to surface fully, to be healed, and then to dissipate. It does that, you know… comes upon us, makes itself known. We take action, or not, and the pain eventually gets less intense and soon dissipates. The more we take action, appropriate action, the faster it will resolve itself.

The best I can say when the going gets tough and the feelings get excruciating is to hang on and keep living sober. It gets better. It really does. It gets better and you begin to experience the rewards that I wrote about yesterday. Make it a mantra if you must… “it will get better. I am growing, and healing.” The thing is, the pain is being brought forward for you to experience so you can heal from the specific issue that is bringing you the pain.

The depth of that pain will vary from person to person and is directly related in intensity to the depth of the pain one felt with the infliction of the wound. To make it through, remember one thing: The depth of your pain is equal to the depth of the joy and peace you will experience. Notice I said “that you will experience.” That states that you WILL experience relief. And you will, as long as you stick with it and keep living sober.

In your efforts of living sober, I suggest you get help. Trying to do it alone is not necessary nor is it recommended. There is lots of help out there from support groups that deal with getting sober. For me, a 12-Step program worked wonders, and I was able to not only stop drinking as a result of my involvement, but I was able to heal emotional issues, as well. It will work if you are willing to hear with new ears and heart.

Back to me screaming at my sponsor that living sober sucked… As I stated, I was neglecting to recall the emotional difficulties I had experienced throughout my lifetime, the times when I was wailing… keening… in emotional misery. In my drinking and drugging days, I was searching for peace-of-mind, and it was ever-illusive. It was not until much pain had been brought up for me to deal with in sobriety that I began to feel better.

Of course, I had to take action. I had to put in the effort to heal. I had to look at how I was treated and come to grips with it. Coming to grips with it means I allowed myself to feel the pain of betrayal, confusion, hurt. There were losses I endured as a result of how I was treated… loss of safety, loss of trust, loss of a normal childhood. All of these losses had to be mourned and healed. I had to recover from them.

In order to heal from them, I had to feel them and it was awful. That may be where you are now in the process. If so, please remember, the depth of your pain is equal to the depth of joy and peace you will experience. Hang onto that thought through the rough times. Just keep living sober to the best of your ability.

Reach out to others; for the most part, they will feel closer to you and be anxious to help. Cry, wail, if you must, and wear yourself out. Do the dishes, take a nap, and don’t drink. Stay living sober. You will be rewarded in the end with feelings that exceed your wildest notions.

Where are you in the process? Are you dealing with difficult times right now? If so, I send you my heart-felt wishes that it works its way through soon, that the purpose of the difficult feelings is soon resolved. Remember that your difficult feelings are being raised so you can heal from the issue related to the original wound.

Take breaks from your recovery – some tasks can be healthy and can serve as distractions. Engage in them. Help another. Be of service. Know that you can define your purpose by telling another the message you have to relay to them, by speaking to them of your experience. Use your miserable times to set an example for another who is suffering, too. You’d be surprised how much inspiration your painful experiences can be to another because you will have demonstrated it is possible to be in the pain and not drink. Above all, keep on living sober.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I get sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Rewards of Sobriety

October 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Rewards of sobriety” is the search term I’d like to blog about today. I chose this term because there are so many rewards to sobriety which I would like to share with you in the hopes that you find it compelling enough to try sobriety.

I adore my sobriety. Right off the bat, I reveled in the lack of hangovers. You see, for the last seven years of my drinking, I drank myself into oblivion every night, and awakened with a horrific hangover every day. Every day for seven years I had trouble dragging my hurting head and sick stomach out of bed, so I would lie in bed watching movies on TVtill about noon. Then up I’d get and go to either Taco Bell or KFC for hot or greasy food to burn out or soak up the hangover.

It worked and I began to be able to function, even though still with a headache. I was extremely productive in those ensuing four or five hours until 5:00 pm, when I would start drinking all over again. A miserable existence, absolutely miserable…

I was always angry in an underlying sort-of-way. If I wasn’t grumbling about my dislike of something, how it wasn’t what I wanted or wasn’t good enough, then I was displaying full-blown tantrums, taking my anger out on others, usually my husband. I took it out on myself and it showed up as depression.

When you choose sobriety, you choose to awaken each day, awake and fully present and excited to greet the world, and greet it you will. You will delight in feeling physically fine, and especially get off on the clear-headedness you experience. Your attitude is one of gratitude, not anger, so your relationships with others are improved.

Then there’s the driving issue. Drunk, and even still while hung over, you are not all there to drive. In fact, you are dangerous to other drivers out there. I know, I know. You tell me you are just fine behind the wheel, a better driver drunk than sober. If you think about that for a minute while you are sober, you will hopefully see the falsehood in that belief.

When you choose sobriety, you can drive anywhere at any hour of the day and not have to worry about being pulled over for a DUI. You are TRULY a better driver, alert to what the other cars are doing around you, alert to where you are on the road in relation to them. Your reactions are quicker. But the best part of this reward is that you can drive at any time and feel safe behind the wheel.

Another reward of sobriety is the acute awareness you have for the world around you… the plants and vegetation, the architecture, other people. It is possible to focus-in intently on those things, and because you are able to do this, you will experience awe and wonder. These are pretty exciting to feel, especially for the first time and especially when you realize what is causing that feeling of goodness. It’s hard to look around you in the world and not be inspired, awed. So this is clearly another reward of sobriety.

Perhaps the biggest reward is your ability to see how your actions and behaviors have affected yourself and others. You begin to be able to see how you started a fight, for example, or are keeping a resentment going that was your doing in the first place. You also begin to be able to apologize to others for your harmful behaviors, your hurtful words. This reward will help your relationships to soar, as you discover a softer, more approachable side of others and yourself. You will be able to go down the road of forgiveness, both of others and of yourself. There are huge rewards and you will relish them once you learn how to practice them.

Ah, there is one bigger reward of sonority, and that is the ability to reach peace-of-mind and to live in grace and gratitude. This you will not want to miss…

What are the rewards of sobriety that you seek? Have I addressed them above? Leave a message and tell us what the rewards are for which you search.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Quotes on Life with Images

October 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

This, “quotes on life with images,” was a search term that found my website this morning. I recall using that as a keyword phrase, perhaps… What I what to really focus on is the term, because what I have to offer you today is quotes on life with images. They are taken from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Visions of Gratitude

When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate,

everything around and within me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.

Moments of Wonder

Do you suppose there has always been such richness, such beauty in the world?

Perhaps it has been there all along,

waiting to be noticed, to be seen, with the eyes of the heart.

Invitation of Dialogue

If we as individuals cannot speak to each other,

how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?

Warmth of Humility

Rather than take on everyone else’s dreams, desires, and expectations,

can I not look humbly at what has been placed before me?

Openness of Heart

We will grow through the barriers of our heart and

be able to fully experience the richness of life.

Promise of Peace

When I practice the principles of love for myself and others,

the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk,

and peace rises to greet me.

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where

I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Burst of Joy

My heart bursts with joy!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being grateful, being humble, gratitude, how to find peace, humble, humility, inner peace, joy, peace, peace between nations, Quotes on Life with Images, serenity

Is Sobriety Worth It?

October 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Is sobriety worth it? During early sobriety, I didn’t used to think so. The feelings that were surfacing were very painful and it was worse than when I was out there drinking. But, by the grace of God, I stayed sober and discovered that sobriety is soooooo worth it!

To start with, you will wake up without a hangover. This is so glorious! Awakening clear, bright, not hurting… these are all things you will want to experience.

You will have clarity throughout the day, thinking clearly about things which come up. This may not occur for a while, though, until after your head clears from the fog of the alcohol. Give it time… you will clear up.

There will be more time for you to devote to tasks and projects. Some of you may not have projects to do, may feel a bit lost with all this newly-found free time. Use it to write in a journal, to take walks, to clean the house, sort through old papers… The point is, find yourself things to do to replace your drinking time.

Those are some of the things you will physically experience. What about emotionally, mentally? That’s where it gets really exciting. If you are like me, you will start noticing the world around you in more detail. You will have the time, and will take the time, to admire the flowers growing in your yard, the neighborhood, along the freeway. You will delight in the beauty of nature, awed by its intricacies.

After a bit of time and work in sobriety, you will notice that you are calmer. You are able to be more introspective, noticing things about yourself and your behaviors that you missed out on before. This is an excellent time to do a self-appraisal, to praise yourself for the positive things you do and say. Instead of getting embarrassed and ashamed of your negative behavior, you will critique your behavior and actions, wanting to set right what you have bungled with others.

If you get into spirituality in order to maintain sobriety, you will lose yourself in it, reveling in the literature and spiritual authors. Ah, yes, yet another thing to do with your new-found time. Reading… it is very calming, or can be. I read Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book The Invitation. It resonated with me at a deep level. That was my first book in sobriety and I added to it Iyanla Van Zant, Melody Beattie, Eckhart Tolle, to name a few. The amazing thing is, you will be clear enough and calm enough to read.

Then, there is the issue of your relationships with others. No doubt you are no longer being as obnoxious as you were while drinking, and people will be more willing to spend time with you. You will have less arguments, and are more able to look at disagreements rationally, with fairness, taking into account your own behavior and how you contributed to a situation.

These are just a few of the marvelous things you will experience in sobriety. It is truly an amazing journey, filled with awe and wonder. It may take some time and work to get to that point… look at healing your old wounds and hurts. Look at your resentments and try to resolve them through compassion and forgiveness.

For you who asked if sobriety is worth it, I give a resounding “yes!”

If you are considering sobriety, I wish you well on your journey and I hope you choose to get sober. It is an amazing life and you will learn to clear out all the old “stuff.” Yes, sobriety is well worth it! It will lead you to peace.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, is sobriety worth it, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Are Resentments?

October 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Resentments are grudges or angers we hold against another or ourselves. They can be major or minor.

This is the start of my post yesterday, Thurs the 18th of October. Then, nothing came to me, and I decided to wait till the afternoon to write. I forgot… This morning got away from me and I had to leave for my volunteer job. My apologies for no post yesterday or earlier today. I hate to have you come here and not find a new post when that is what you’re looking for…

Many people carry huge resentments… years old. I did. I carried mine against my parents for 38 years, and fueled it with drinking and drugging. I was one wound-up, angry woman! Provoke me and watch out… My husband got a lot of my wrath, and in all fairness to me, I must say he slung his mud my way, too, and many times that’s what I was reacting to. Mostly, I kept my mouth shut. All that did was build the resentment I had against him for his verbal abuse, and many other things. Life was filled with drama…

Is this a familiar story for you? Sound like your life with different circumstances, perhaps, but the same gist? How is your life working?

Maybe your resentments are smaller than a full-blown rage against Uncle Harry for something he did years ago. Maybe, it’s an issue in traffic, when someone cuts in front of you and then slows down to 5-10 miles under the speed limit. Do you do the slow burn in that situation? I do sometimes… Or how about the neighbor who plays loud music late at night… do you begin to momentarily resent those things?

The point is, we deal with even minor issues that lead us to generate resentments, which are things we go over and over and over again in our mind. If we have a momentary anger and were able to resolve it by taking action of some sort, that is not a resentment. The on-going thinking of the offense is what makes it a resentment.

What are we to do with these annoyances, these little things that get under our skin? Ah, there is relief. Let’s take the example of the driver who pulls out in front of us and then slows notably. This driver is oblivious, unconscious. Don’t you have to have compassion for someone who is so clueless in their life? I’m saying “in their life” because if, while performing a function in which one wants to be fully present, they are so absent, chances are they are like that in all areas of their life.

I feel compassion that they miss out on all the miraculous things that occur in front of us all day, every day. The beauty, the mystery, the bad experiences that lead to good outcomes… They are leading a life similar to the one I led before sobriety, before I learned to deal with resentments by learning to manage all the things I mentioned above. But at least I was a conscious and aware driver.

The next time you get peeved about something that seems small, yet it develops into something that consumes you, try offering compassion. You will begin to see many things about which to be compassionate. It takes some practice, and is so worth the effort in the end. It offers you peace and calm.

Does this give you some idea of what a resentment is, you who searched for this term yesterday morning? I hope so. How does my suggestion to see the other person with compassion sit with you? Does it resonate, or make you angry and resentful that I would suggest compassion as a course of action? Leave a comment and let me know.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, resentment, resentments, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, what are resentments

More About Resentments – Living Free From Them

October 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Eeeergh! I just wrote a wonderful blog about resentments, but posted it into a new page, rather than a new post. I had to go in and copy the post from the page, and I did that, but forgot to save the new post before I went back to copy the title of the blog. In the process, I lost the post! The worst part is, I cannot remember what I said… again, eeeeergh!

Well, here I sit, trying to recollect what I did say…. and I am drawing a blank. So, I will start over. Speaking of resentments, I have one against myself, and that is, I resent myself for my loss of memory, my inability to remember from one minute to the next.

I could rail against myself, really get into the resentment and feel sorry for myself, but that leads to that slow churning gut I referred to yesterday, and I choose not to live like that today. I think about a seminar I attended a month ago, in which I learned that my years of drinking and drugging eroded my hippocampus, the center of the brain responsible for memory. So, I can now work on forgiving myself for all the years of substance abuse. I can make a joke about my memory loss, understanding that it just is what is; and I can accept it and move forward, despite the limitations it poses for me.

Speaking of substance abuse, I recall a portion of my post from earlier today. Do you know the CDC cited 11.8 million substance abusers in the US in 2011? That’s mind-numbing! It is a well-known and documented fact that resentments are the number one reason people drink. Therefore, it is startling to realize that for there are close to 1.8 million people who live with resentments on an on-going basis.

Boy, there are a lot of resentments flying around! My major one, the one I harbored and nursed with drugs and booze, the one that lasted 38 years, was against my parents for my upbringing. About six years into sobriety, I got into a deep despair over the futility of my life and the events that occurred as a child. I saw no purpose to it, to me or my life.

Then I had the opportunity to help a man who was in acute emotional pain. I talked with him after his share at a meeting and relayed resources I had discovered along my path that were helpful in my healing from childhood issues. He was so grateful, his eyes filled with tears. I was deeply touched, and I realized my past had been of use to someone else. There WAS purpose to my upbringing, I had purpose!

Since that day, I have had no difficulty with despair, and have continued along what I believe my path to be, which is to share my story in the hopes that it will be of use to another. If we can use the knowledge of our painful experiences for the purpose of helping another, it helps to diminish our resentments.

For example, you Vietnam vets can work with newly-returning vets and give them a proper welcome home, a thank you for their service. This you can do to make use of what you endured. Suddenly, you can see why you endured what you did… to be useful to another. You know how hurtful it was to be received so poorly, to not get a welcome home, that you do not want others to have to experience that. And that is how your experience can be of service to others. I understand one of the Vietnam Veterans of America’s purposes and activities involves working with new vets to welcome them home. Ah, such a beautiful way to turn around your pain, your resentment.

When we put to use our resentments by turning them around and doing good for another to so they can avoid what we suffered, it helps to dispel them. What a wonderful thing to be able to do! It is incredibly freeing and it leads to peace.

How are you using your resentments to good use? How are you helping another to avoid what you suffered? Leave a comment and let us hear how you are doing that.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, resentment, resentments, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Are Resentments and What Can You Do About Them?

October 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today let’s talk about resentments… grudges, anger toward another. Webster defines resentments as feelings of hurt or indignation from a sense of being injured or offended.

When feeling resentments, one is overcome by bitterness and anger. It’s a slow burn in the gut. Much emotional energy goes toward justifying one’s resentments, leaving a feeling of incompleteness. There seems to always be a feeling that you are right and justified in feeling your resentments, but that does not provide relief from them.

If you experience resentments, you know what I am talking about when I say they produce a slow burn in the gut. You relive that anger again and again, over and over. Many people drink over their resentments. In fact, it is a well-known and documented fact that resentments are the number one reason people drink.

So, how does one get past them?

First, there has to be a feeling that you want to resolve your resentments. You are tired of that slow burn and the emotional havoc they play. To resolve a resentment after deciding you want to resolve it, you can follow the steps below.

Humbly look at the situation and determine if you did something to provoke another. Did you say something or do something to hurt another? If so, look at whether the other person responded in an expected manner in response to your actions or words. If this is the case, own your behavior. Recognize that you were in the wrong and give up the resentment. Apologize if that is indicated to set a situation right.

If you did not contribute negatively to a situation and can still say you were wronged, feel that wound, feel how devastating the event was. Grieve the loss from it… loss of trust, loss of safety. For example, the Vietnam vets who were wronged by the American people when they returned home need to consider how they lost their trust in the public. To come to resolution of their resentments, they need to grieve that hurt, that loss.

Now consider looking 180 degrees, with new eyes. Choose a life of peace rather than one filled with resentments and bitterness. To do that, hold yourself in compassion for being a wounded person. Before going on to the next step, allow yourself to feel that compassion for as long as you need. Try not to cross the line from compassion to self-pity. Compassion is open and expansive, while self-pity is closed and contracted.

Finally, consider that the other person was, in fact, wounded themselves and was demonstrating the humanness of a person in emotional pain. Offer them compassion for their pain. Keep repeating this process of looking at this person with new eyes until the resentment begins to lessen.

In the case of the Vietnam vets, consider that the American public was terrified, looking for something or someone to blame to lessen their frustration about what was happening at the time. In their ignorance and lack of ability to place blame in the right place, they unfairly took it out on the vets as they returned home. It is possible, even though that experience was horrible and highly uncalled for, to get past those resentments against the American people.

When you deal with your resentments in the above manner, you will find a freedom that is most rewarding. Your relationships will be more satisfying, and you will experience more peace-of-mind.

What has you trying to cope with resentments? Can you define one of your resentments? Follow through with the process above and see if that helps to lessen your resentments. If you notice a lessening of your resentments, leave a comment telling us of your success to resolve them.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: forgiveness, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, resentment, resentments, what are resentments

The Story Behind My Sobriety – Conclusion

October 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

It took me five or six years to get through the acute grief I felt over the unrequited love. During that time, there were days when I just screamed that sobriety was not better than drinking and I wanted to get drunk badly! I would holler at the top of my lungs that life was much better when I was drinking, but I was neglecting to factor in my emotional state during my drinking days.

With six additional years of sobriety, I discovered that life was definitely much better as a sober person. Very occasionally, I have an urge to drink. For example, I just visited Tampa for my nephew’s wedding and, while waiting in the airport for my flight, I walked by a bar and had the thought that I should go in and get a beer. No one would ever know. But I knew where it would end for me… I would continue drinking on the plane, get obnoxious, and then not be able to drive home from the parking lot where I had parked my car. I elected not to drink.

The thought to drink came from nowhere and it really surprised me, as I typically do not want a drink. I am quite clear that I love my life as a sober person. Even when I am out among people who are drinking, I don’t want to drink. In fact, the smell of alcohol turns my stomach, and the sight of people getting drunk leads me to think what fools they are making of themselves, how stupid they sound when drinking. And I become more grateful for my sobriety, more convinced that I want to maintain a sober life.

For those of you who are considering stopping your drinking, I wish for you a world of blessings. It is emotionally difficult to look at the things that led you to drink, and on the other side, when you have done your acknowledging and grieving, lies a place so magical, so calm and peaceful, it is hard to describe. But it is so well worth the journey into sobriety. You will love it, too!

If you want to cut down or stop completely, I invite you to seek help to do so. Go to a support group such as AA. Be prepared to do some soul-searching. Drinking is but a symptom of that which lies deep within, the pain that is intolerable which led you to drink in the first place, and you will need to confront the pain and painful experiences. I’m telling you though, life is so much better sober. Sobriety allows you to do the healing work you need to do. It leads you to peace. I wish you well on your journey.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

We All Look For Acknowledgment From Others

October 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I’m back after a whirlwind weekend. I had planned to blog yesterday, and I found I needed the day to debrief. Thank you for your understanding and your patience…

It was a lovely weekend, and still, I am left with incomplete, sad feelings about things which occurred… and in this case, didn’t occur. I found it difficult that I received no acknowledgment for what I am doing in my life. In conversations with people, we talked about them, and then, there was little interest in what is happening with me.

Hmmm, I have this thought and wonder if I am being self-centered by wanting acknowledgment. Then I think of the fact that we all wish to be acknowledged, and there is nothing wrong in that. It is a basic human desire, and perhaps even a need. My belief is that most of the time when we are upset or down or joyous, we just want to be heard about those things… we want acknowledgment.

As I consider that I am a little upset that I didn’t receive acknowledgment, I recognize that I need to be responsible for my own feelings instead of blaming them on the people who didn’t show me acknowledgment. So I accept responsibility for myself by doing a self-appraisal.

In that, I recognize that I might be seeking approval because I am feeling “less than” or/and that I am looking for approval. Ahhh. Perhaps the crux of the issue. I may have been seeking acknowledgment because I needed to build myself up,

Wow. Looked at in this light, my heart softens toward the others who did not show an interest in me and my activities. You see, I was beginning to resent them for their lack of caring about me, about what I’m doing. With a softened heart, the fact that I did not receive acknowledgment has less sting, less resentment attached to it.

This is how it works for me when I take responsibility for my feelings. I start by being pissed, hurt, slighted, and I end up with an open and softened heart. All by showing myself acknowledgment by examining my feelings, my motives. I am reminded that the weekend was not about me… and I can get out of myself.

Yes, it would have been nice to have conversations with acknowledgment about what I’m doing in my world, and there was not really the time or opportunity, as we were into what was happening right in front of us. We were involved in the task at hand… marrying Brian and Amy. I am reminded that I need work on my confidence level in regard to the path I have chosen to follow, to pursue.

As I look back upon the weekend, when I am honest, I must humbly admit that there were snippets of time in which people were showing me acknowledgment… I just wanted more. I needed more reassurance that I am okay the way I am. But that is an inside job,a nd I see I have more work to do in this area.

It is always a matter of learning to pay ourselves acknowledgment… of giving ourselves what we seek from others. In that act, we become complete, whole, and more at peace.

What do you need and want acknowledgment for in your life? Your accomplishments and successes, your plans and aspirations? Are you seeking acknowledgment, or are you taking responsibility for your own feelings? Leave a comment and let me know how you are being responsible for your own feelings rather than blaming them on others.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: acknowledge others, acknowledgment, acknowledgment from others, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Combatting Feelings of Worthlessness, No Value

October 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I wanted to pick up where we left off yesterday… after the point of worthlessness, at that place where you are feeling in your deepest recesses that you have done or said some good things – even just one. I hope you did the exercise from yesterday and come armed with the results, the feeling of personal goodness in at least one area.

Take that feeling into the next part of the process, which is seeing the wounds that have led to the feelings that you have no value, the wounds that reinforce your worthlessness. What you want to do here is to start writing about the earliest time you can remember when you were criticized or denigrated. Remember who said or did what… write it down and take a deep breath…

Allow yourself to feel those feelings, just noticing the emotional charge they have for you. Then, decide to look at things from a different viewpoint, with new eyes. Become willing to choose to believe that what was told to you was a lie, told by a wounded person themself. Feel that all the way to your toes… that what they said was wrong. Replace the language that was used against you then, and now replace it with a positive statement about yourself.

It bears repeating here that what was told to you was a lie, incorrect information, based on someone else’s woundedness. It may take some time to incorporate that into your heart, for when you take that belief into your heart, you have years of blaming that needs to fall away, years of negative self-talk to combat and reverse.

This is no easy task, but then, what you are currently dealing with is not easy either. And, no doubt you feel miserable about yourself… that’s why you’re reading this. If you stick with it and commit to sticking with it through all that comes up, you will reap the most awesome beliefs and feelings about yourself on the other side.

You will feel more alive than you have felt for some time. That aliveness is self-perpetuating and cumulative, and it only firms up your new belief that you are good at that one thing, just that one thing… It becomes easier to believe in your light, your goodness, as you go through this process.

What do you wish to be in your heart? Whom do you wish to be? Look at that dream, that desire, and envision yourself living it. What is your “wow?” What does that look like for you? How does it feel? Write your answers…

You are now headed on the course of discovering what makes you shine. It is a discovery of your “wow,” of your light in the world. Follow this process again and again to clear out old messages and beliefs. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t beat yourself up. Allow those gremlins to stay away. When you meet resistance, write about it, even if it is only to simply notice its presence. After you have had a chance to get to your deeper self, let me know what that was like for you by leaving a comment. I wish for you many blessings on your journey.

Oh, and one last thing. I forgot to mention numbing-out during this process. If you stay straight, you go through the process more quickly than if you numb out. You get to the other side more quickly when you’re sober. I invite you to practice sobriety during this process of healing.

And finally, I will be going to my nephew’s wedding in Tampa over the weekend, leaving at 3:30 am tomorrow, so I most likely will not blog tomorrow. I definitely won’t be blogging Saturday or Sunday either, cause I’m not taking my computer. Wow! A true vacation!! Enjoy the weekend and see you on Monday.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It…

September 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“not sure sobriety is worth it” was the search term from yesterday that caught my eye. So, I wanted to share with you a story about that, about B… a delightful 91 year old gentleman for whom I have the honor of being his caregiver. Wait till you hear about this amazing elderly man. He has so much spirit.

B… is this slight guy, stooped, about 5’5″ because of that stoop. Thin, with huge veins in his arms. I notice this because I used to be a nurse and did lab draws… drawing blood. I notice everyone’s veins in their arms… Anyway, B… lives alone in a 3 bedroom house with lots of plants throughout. Ah, a man of my own heart. I also have lots of plants in my home.

He spends a fair amount of his time looking for his cane, so he can take the food out to the deer family he feeds… a doe and her two growing fawns. They like lettuce and red cabbage, so we always make an extra trip to the grocery store that carries red cabbage. I drive his car and he doesn’t complain about my driving! What a bonus. In fact, he agrees with me that I’m a fairly good driver. No, a good driver.

Yesterday was my day to prepare meals for him, so I was cooking away while he was trying to fix the screen door on the door between the gagare and the kitchen. The little arm at the top of the door that holds it open was slipping and wouldn’t keep the screen door ajar. He tried for about an hour to get that to work, but to no avail.

The thing is, I was a witness to this elderly man, trying again and again and again. I was touched by his tenacity, his patience. It fits with his soft-spoken nature.

You may be wondering what B… and his kitchen door have to do with sobriety? Here it is. Unless I was sober, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate B… and his door, or his deer. If I was still drinking, although not on the job, I would still be hung over for my shift from 1-4 pm. I would have been irritated to have to go to the extra grocery store… such a pain. Out of my way…

And I wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate this gentleman’s love of nature and the deer. I would have found it irritating to have to keep track of him while he was out there, on my watch. And I would have intervened yesterday with the door… wanting to get it fixed so he would stop fiddling on a lost cause.

Because I’m sober, I see everything differently, however. Instead of being irritated, I feel honored to be able to drive this man to the extra grocery store to support his efforts with the deer. I am able to be grateful for my job, for the honor, the delight, of witnessing this man and the actions of his heart.

I am able, as a sober person, to allow this 91-year-old to be as independent as possible, knowing he may fall, which he has outside while feeding them, cutting his elbow badly… twice. But I can offer him respect and trust in him as a person. Letting him maintain as much independence as possible.

Same for the door. I was able to respect his perseverance instead of getting irritated with it, taking delight in watching him continue to try and solve the problem. I didn’t have to step in and do it for him cause I was feeling insecure in myself. My self-confidence allowed me to have respect for him and his need to be active.

Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It… well, for me, if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be experiencing these fabulous things with this elderly gentleman. I would have gathered myself into a huff, a snit, feeling put-upon. From my perspective, sobriety is absolutely worth it, if you wish to live a life of peace and happiness, awareness and caring for another… free from anger and bitterness. Sobriety is the first step to getting there…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Self-Appraisal Leads to Inner Peace

September 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Well, it’s been a few days of a heavy topic, and today I’m going to lighten things up. I’m going to talk about my experience at a networking event last night, and my discovery of how a self-appraisal saved the evening.

I had a vendor’s table at a women’s networking event and it was a shopping extravaganza… except at my table. Oh, I had several lookers, but no one bought my book, nor any of the numerous photographs of wrought-iron gates I had displayed. It was very disappointing, very disappointing indeed.

I had come armed with a full box of books (weighing 56# I might add…), a box of framed photographs, and a box of flyers and other info to lay out. Luckily, the tables were 8 feet, so I had room to create a pleasing arrangement of all my wares. The people that stopped by were admiring of my work, but no one bought. I was occupied with my own table, and didn’t see if they were buying from other vendors.

I could come up with all sorts of excuses why I didn’t sell, but I think I know why they didn’t buy. I think it was because I had too much on my table, too many choices. Like the monkey that has two bananas to choose from and can’t make up it’s mind so chooses none, so I believe it was with my table.

Anyway, throughout the course of the evening, I was chosen to come up in front of the audience and state what I do, so I said I work with Vietnam vets to help them find forgiveness of the American people for how they were treated when they returned home. Afterward, a man approached my booth. I could see from his name tag that it was Stan.

Stan outstretched his hand, and said, “I’m a Vietnam vet and I want to thank you for the work that you are doing.” Boy, that made the evening worthwhile, to have let another vet know there is hope on the other side of the resentment, the bitterness. I was humbled. He even took my card to pass along the word of my work.

Earlier in the day, I had stumbled across a site that was a group of Vietnam Vets in San Quentin. I wanted to become a part of the volunteers who visit these men at that prison. I had, after all, visited a friend in Quentin for several years, so was familiar with going into the prison. I discovered, to my disappointment, that because I had been a visitor, I could not be a volunteer. Boy, and I was so excited to be able to go in and talk with the group… So my disappointment of the evening was a continuation, in part, of earlier news.

Let’s look for a minute at the lack of sales last night. I could use excuse after excuse, but as I said earlier, I believe it was because I had too much on the table, too many choices. In other words, I found a reason why what I was doing was not working, rather than blame it on everything else… like, they gave me a bad spot, etc.

The ability to look at myself, to look at my actions and how they contributed to a negative outcome has just occurred for me in sobriety. Being able to do that has been very freeing. No longer do I go seething about, looking for something outside of myself to blame. I can hold myself accountable. I can do a self-appraisal, a performance eval, and see how I contributed to a situation. Again, how very freeing this has been.

It took some practice over time, but my ability to go to seeing my part in something by doing a self-appraisal has been finely honed and I go right there, well, almost right there. The cool thing is, I have 2 more big events coming up during which I can test my theory by having just a few things on my table. I’ll let you know how that works.

Today, when you are tempted to blame everyone and everything around you for your difficulties, take a look at what role you played in the affair. How did you contribute to the negative outcome? Take a look, be humble and willing to accept responsibility for your part. It all starts with a self-appraisal, and a smile at yourself.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance evaluation, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Live In Serenity

September 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Balance of Serenity

Good morning. How to live in serenity was one of the search terms from yesterday and I thought it would be a great topic to blog about, given that that we just finished posts about getting sober.

The picture to the right suggests that when we are in serenity, life is balanced. Webster defines serenity as the state of being serene and serene is defined as not disturbed or troubled, the state of being calm, peaceful, tranquil.

Living a life of sobriety can lead you to serenity. In fact, being sober leads directly to the ability to have serenity. Once you work through all the muck that you drank over, or that you fret about if you don’t drink a lot, then what is left is an abiding calmness, tranquility… serenity.

I think the forgiveness of my parents led in large part to my ability to experience serenity. I was no longer angry at them and I became able to look at the past with calmness, with softer eyes and heart.

You, too, can find serenity, if that is what you seek. The steps to get there include letting go of the need to be right all the time, or to get your own way. It involves learning how to forgive, and my article on forgiveness may be helpful to you. To receive the article, sign up to the right of this post and you’ll receive step-by-step instructions to gain forgiveness.

I stress forgiveness because we all hold grudges and angers/hurts against others at one time or another. In my own life, when I forgave, life became much sweeter, much more easy. It’s like I just glided along from one moment to the next.

Living by the principle of live and let live is another thing you can adopt in your life that will assist you to find serenity. Live your own life as you wish, as long as you are not harming yourself or others, and let others be free to live their life as they wish, as long as they are not being harmful to themselves or others.

Practicing acceptance is another thing you can do to gain serenity. Learn to live with the realization that things are as they are, and unless they need changing, accept them as they are. Accept the fact that your life is not serene, and with that realization, you open the door to allowing serenity in.

Often, simply acknowledging a feeling will get the energy flowing and will allow you to get unstuck from that feeling. It’s like, once the light is shined on a feeling and exposes it, the Universe has the opportunity to step in and dispel the feeling.

Practice a few of these techniques and you, too, will soon be experiencing serenity in your life. It is truly a pleasant place to be.

Today, allow yourself to live and let live. Learn how to forgive others and yourself. That’s a biggie… Practice accepting life exactly as it is and see how much you gain serenity.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, how to live in serenity, inner peace, peace, serene, serenity, sober, sobriety

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 3

September 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

My van

To continue… I must say, I hope you stick with this post. It’s long and I really hated to do a part 4.

The first year and a half of getting sober was difficult, as my feelings were extremely raw and I had nothing with which to numb them. I did a LOT of writing. I took several brisk walks a day.

After several months of doing these things as well as going to 4-5 meetings a day, God brought me the old van I ws telling you about earlier, and I dove in, gutting it, redoing the plumbing and electrical systems in addition to all the woodworking. I designed the interior bulkhead walls and the bookshelves. This project was a life-saver. It eased the difficulty of getting sober and feeling all my emotions.

I left San Diego in the spring of 2002, and headed back to the Bay Area, where I got a job. Soon after, I fell and injured my right, dominant wrist, so much so that I could not write with that hand and started journaling with my non-dominant, left hand. All sorts of deep feelings welled up, out of nowhere.

In fact, some of what I wrote now appears in the book I wrote and photographed, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. In 2004, I discovered that the writings matched perfectly with some gate photos I had taken earlier in the year, describing their physical characteristics perfectly. I did not plan this; it just happened, which is why I believe my book was divinely created, guided.

Anyway, after returning to Marin and injuring myself in 2002, I could not deal with the weather that winter; the rain was blowing sideways and the van was leaking, getting my journals and books wet. I lost it and became suicidal. After reaching out to the crisis line and getting stabilized, I returned to San Diego and proceeded to receive treatment for my wrist injury.

Surgery was necessary, and I spent the next 3 years trying to find a place to live where I could be and not use my hand for a month following the surgery. It was going to be pretty extensive… First I went to Colorado and then to a friend’s home in Washington state, but these places did not work out and I found myself back in Marin in 2005, having surgery.

My emotional recovery continued, as I delved deeper into my psyche. I got assistance from a therapist. But I still was experiencing great, deep despair over my childhood. I felt the pain I had endured was for no purpose in my life, other than to make me miserable. That despair continued until one day, I discovered my purpose in life.

What I discovered was that my story, my abusive history, was of help to another when I talked about it and relayed how I had begun to heal from it. Suddenly, I saw the reason for the abuse. It was to help others by talking about my experience of healing so that they, too, could begin to recover from their abuse, their pain that they had endured. Suddenly I had purpose, my life had purpose.

After realizing my life’s purpose, my whole attitude and belief in myself changed, and I have not felt despair since that discovery, that day. In fact, my recovery has progressed to the point that I am stable and flourishing. Initially after surgery and for 2 years, I pulled together my book. Then I spent the next 2 years publishing and marketing it. It didn’t really take off, despite the fact that everyone who reads it, raves about it.

In 2008, I bought my humble little home in Marin, so now I am a long-term resident in a place that I love. An opportunity and calling came about, working with the Vietnam vets to help them through the suffering they still experience. What I have to offer today that I didn’t have 38 years ago is a way through grief, as well as how to get past anger and bitterness that is long-standing.

You see, I was finally able to forgive my parents for my upbringing. I carried that deep resentment around for 33 years, and am well-versed in how to forgive a long-time hurt. This is one of the major things I talk about when I work with the vets.

I conduct workshops now, as well as coach others. The topics are as I’ve discussed… grief recovery and forgiveness. I love my life and most of all, I love it when, after talking with someone, I see their eyes light up with hope after being sad and listless, void of all hope. That wonderful peace that I have found is something which I love to pass on… how to get there, how to look at the world and oneself with new eyes, 180 degrees from what one saw before.

You, too, can have a healing journey through all of your grief, your anger and bitterness, through all of your despair and hopelessness. It all starts by getting sober, giving up the drink for a kinder and softer way. Come join me. It is a wonderful life. Learn how to start on that path by coming to my workshop Finding Freedom In Forgiveness on National Forgiveness Day, October 27th. For more information and to register, go to http://findforgiveness.eventbrite.com.

If you are hurting enough, and you want something different in your life, then you are ready, perhaps, to embark upon a new journey. Reach out. Get help. You were not intended to do life alone in a vacuum, by yourself. It is a sign of strength and courage to reach out for a hand. There is love out there, brought to you by God’s countless angels. I wish for you to discover it.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, Nam Vets, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

Sobriety Brings an Open Heart – Part 2

September 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I described a bit about what it was like for me prior to sobriety. Today, I’ll continue with my story.

To get sober, I traveled from Sausalito, California, to San Diego, where I lived with my old Sausalito bar tender who was also getting into sobriety. For a year and a half, we lived together and had a healing home. What I mean by that is that we talked a great deal… about our childhoods and the left-over “stuff” from the experience. We both did a great deal of emotional work on ourselves. At times, it was quite difficult…

My “stuff” included a very poor sense of self-worth. I had no esteem what-so-ever. Well, I did, and it was negative. I was in a great deal of shame about who I was as a person, about my body. These were all a result of being shunned until the age of 17 because I was not an intellectual person like my father and two sisters. I was a creative and excelled at writing, crafts, and music. Music was the only thing my father deemed worthy of support. The rest of my abilities were harshly criticized.

When I was 17, I was a lead in our high school musical, and blew the socks off of everyone, including my father. Finally, there was something I did which he praised and encouraged. Finally!! All those years of criticism about who I was took their toll, however, and I was a pretty damaged person. From the young age of 22, I began drinking… like an alcoholic, and I found it numbed my dealings of worthless, hopelessness, and despair.

Back to San Diego… During early days in sobriety, I continued to be in acute grief over the unrequited love, and I tried desperately to figure out how I had mis-interpreted the guy’s signals. Never did figure that one out. To soothe myself so I could sleep, I listened over and over again to a CD of Jens Kruger, a classical banjo player. The beautiful music lulled me to sleep.

During the day, I wrote for hours, and read spiritual stuff voraciously. Melody Beattie, Iyanla VanZant, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Eckhart Tolle… I couldn’t read fast enough. My heart started opening up and it was acutely painful. To deal with my feelings, I also walked briskly 2-3 times a day and went to 4-5 meetings a day.

It took about five years of sobriety before I felt relief from my grief over the unrequited love, and to begin to feel ok about myself. But before that happened, I was diagnosed with PTSD form all the verbal and physical abuse I’d endured as a child. I had been dealing with PTSD for most of my life until the age of about 53.

Getting diagnosed with PTSD was a major eye-opener. It explained my hyper-vigilance, my startle response, my extreme anger. I sought EMDR treatment and that resolved the PTSD. I still had difficulties, however, with my feelings of despair. I felt the child abuse I had endured was for no purpose, that I had no purpose in life.

These feelings dragged me down and staying sober was difficult during these years. I wanted to numb out so badly! Finally, one day I stumbled across my life’s purpose, which is to tell my story about how I healed, so others might be helped. Since then, my heart has really opened up and I have begun to flourish.

Life has continued to get better from that point forward and my heart has continued to open, to expand. Today, it holds great gratitude for just about everything about my life. I was able to discover how to forgive my parents for how I was treated as a child. I was able to overcome that deep and debilitating grief over the unrequited love.

I have even been able to find self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem. I am so open to others… to helping them out, being of service. I am a happy person today, calm and at peace. Sobriety has brought me healing and with it, an open heart.

Are you dissatisfied with your life, with who you are, bitter about the past? And are you drinking heavily over it? Have you considered stopping drinking? If not, then have you heard of the glorious riches that occur when you embark upon sobriety? I highly recommend a life lived with an open heart, and if you’re a heavy drinker, I invite you to explore the reasons behind this, and to take action to resolve those feelings. I invite you to open your heart through sobriety. Above all, I wish for you happiness and peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: EMDR, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, PTSD, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Right to be Respected and Respect Others

September 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The right to be respected and respect others… one of the search terms that led someone to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to speak of this topic… respect of self and others…

What is it about respecting ourselves and others that has so many people stumped? I mean, they don’t do it easily. That is evidenced by all the fighting that occurs… between people, between nations, between our own ears. Why is it so difficult for us to respect ourselves and others? That’s what I want to know.

I suspect it is fear… fear of something and I’m not sure what. Usually, behind shunning or disrespect is the inability to live and let live, to accept the differences of others and delight in the differences that they present. You see, the differences that others present is the rich fabric of our lives. The more we engage in celebrating the differences of others, the more respect we can offer them.

Maybe people are unable to respect others because they feel insecure in themselves. Perhaps, they need someone to put down in order to build themselves up. That’s a sad commentary, isn’t it? The fact is that we are all different and unique and in that uniqueness, lies our beauty. “One is not more beautiful than another, if we will only look, if we will only see.”

These are the words from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The title of the verse and photo which are paired with these words is Cultivation of Differences. The photo shows the knobs of a gate and the knobs, three of them, are black, brown, and yellow. Clearly, I am making a statement about cultivating the differences between people of different color.

In my book, I go through a process of how to get to the point of respecting and tolerating not only others, but ourselves as well. I wonder whether we stumble in our self-respect and tolerance because we are feeling unworthy as a being. Feeling unworthy is not a fun place to be. It leads to all sorts of maladies, and lack of self-respect is just one of them.

So, if you are one who feels unworthy about yourself, showing no self-respect, then what can you do? How can you move through that? One thing you can do is a performance appraisal, a self-appraisal. Specifically, do the part of the appraisal where you identify all your good points, all of the positive things about yourself.

From that, determine what you do in your daily life to honor those positive points about yourself. Is not respect for who you are warranted? I suspect it is. In fact, I know it is, for we are each worthy, valuable, and to be respected. Look at how you treat yourself. Is it with respect or do you speak of yourself, treat yourself, poorly, with condemnation?

This is not advisable, for it erodes your spirit, your soul. It erodes the essence of who you are at your core. At your core is beauty, uniqueness, worthiness. Are these not issues to be respected for? I think they are.

Look at yourself. Take a hard and deep look within and see what you are doing in your life to respect yourself and others. Once you can show respect for all, you will know a new kind of peace. Sobriety is easier to maintain when you begin to respect yourself and others.

Just remember one thing… someone else’s importance or traits does not detract from your own greatness. The world is big enough to hold all of us in our greatness and this is worthy of respect.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance appraisal, respect, respectful, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

The Right to be Respected and Respect Others

September 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The right to be respected and respect others… one of the search terms that led someone to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to speak of this topic… respect of self and others…

These are the words from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The title of the verse and photo which are paired with these words is Cultivation of Differences. The photo shows the knobs of a gate and the knobs, three of them, are black, brown, and yellow. Clearly, I am making a statement about cultivating the differences between people of different color.

Just remember one thing… someone else’s importance or traits does not detract from your own greatness. The world is big enough to hold all of us in our greatness and this is worthy of respect.

To Have Hope In Hopelessness

September 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

To have hope in hopelessness… Ah, yes. The ever-illusive hope. The crawl from hopelessness to a semblance of peace and calm inside. The search term which struck me from yesterday was “to have hope in hopelessness.” There were actually two queries related to finding hope from hopelessness, so I thought I would address one way in which to do that.

Hope is defined as a feeling that what is wanted will occur or happen; it is desire accompanied by expectation. It is that state in which we all wish to live, as our desires and expectations are met. In this case, the desire is for peace-of-mind. You keep your hope because you expect your desire to have emotional peace will be met.

What happens when it isn’t? What happens when you slip into hopelessness? First of all, it has been my experience that you don’t just “slip” into hopelessness. In my journey, hopelessness came after repeated and seemingly endless desires that were not met. Being continually let down

Hopelessness is the state of having no belief that things can get better, the belief that your situation is impossible to solve or deal with. It often slides into despair, which is utter loss of hope and the resulting dejection that occurs. Often, when you are in despair, you think about dying.

I got to a point of utter hopelessness and despair about five or six years into my sobriety. I could see no purpose in having had to endure what I did as a child, other than to make me miserable in my life. I had sustained PTSD as a result of the chronic abuse; it went undiagnosed until I was 53 years old, so I lived with it all that time.

I saw no purpose in my childhood experience, no way that it added to my growth or evolution as a human being. I wanted to die. Afraid I’d fail in my attempt at suicide, I started praying to God to let me die. I became despondent when that didn’t happen.

So, where do you go when you are feeling hopeless, despondent and despairing? In my case, it was over a bad childhood. If you are a Vietnam Veteran, it may have been the degradation of your honor, based on how you were greeted and treated when you returned home. Whatever the cause, hopelessness is devastating and erodes your spirit, your very soul.

Quite by accident, I stumbled upon a solution. Frankly, I don’t think it was an accident; I believe it happened by divine intervention… I had an experience that melted away my terrible hopelessness and despair. I had an opportunity to be useful to someone else who was suffering emotionally, someone else who felt hopeless from his years of treatment he received as a child.

After I had been of service by sharing my similar experience and how I had healed thus-far, I realized that, without my experience with childhood trauma and the will to try and get out from under its long-lasting effects, I never would have been able to help this man. I never would have been of service to him.

Suddenly, the experience of trauma made sense. It happened so I could be of service to another. The trauma had a purpose. I had a purpose. It was to help out a fellow human being. On that day, I believed in a flash that my message is God-sent, and is intended for you who are feeling, or have felt, hopeless in their lives. My message is one of hope that your experiences can be made purposeful if you turn around and help another through their troubles, sharing what you have learned.

Not only did I see in that instant that my history served a vital function; I also saw that my message of hope was meant for many people. Within my message of hope comes the ability to forgive after years of anger and bitterness, the recovery from long-standing and debilitating grief.

You will need to search the corners of your heart and determine what difficult life lessons warrant sharing with another or others. How can you take your experiences and be of service to others? Even just one other person… I invite you to take action by figuring this out and carrying out that service. It is the most satisfying feeling to be of service to another. It offer them hope in hopelessness.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: hope, hope in hopelessness, hopeful, hopelessness, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Living with Gates Flung Wide – Ah, Peace

September 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Yesterday, I talked about how to forgive… an actual process to use to get there. Once you find forgiveness, you will move into all the wonderful benefits of freedom and peace. You will begin to live with the gates of your heart flung wide open.

What do I mean by this? Well, first of all, you will begin to see the world around you with wonder… awe and wonder. You will seek out that attitude, applying it to everything you encounter.

When you find forgiveness and begin to see things around you with wonder, you will live in grace. Grace is a feeling of goodwill and is a favor which is bestowed upon you. It is a virtue given to you by the powers of the Universe, or God, or whatever you call the divine in your life. It settles quietly… gently… like a soft and comforting cloak.

It is hard to describe what it feels to live in grace, but one thing that happens for me is that everything falls easily into place. I have a deep sense of knowingness that life in its essence is perfect, and I sort of float from one thing to the next, not in a dizzy state, rather, in a calm and conscious way.

When you can find forgiveness, your life begins to be lived in joy… great happiness. Joy is a feeling of great pleasure or delight. You know when you are living with joy in your life when the little things become so pleasurable for you, that you wear a smile on your heart throughout the day.

And, finally, you will know peace. This is a feeling that all is well. It is felt at a deeper level. Regardless of the strife that arises, you know that everything is as it is intended to be, and you are alright in the world. It is a sense that pervades all others.

These are the things that you will experience once you go through a self-appraisal, and begin to learn to express compassion for others and yourself… once you find forgiveness for others and yourself. It is a truly beautiful space in which to live each day.

This is a state-of-mind that I have looked for all my life. I tried for 26 years to find it in alcohol and drugs and I thought I was experiencing joy all those years. What I realized after a few years of sobriety is that I didn’t have a clue what joy was, what wonder or grace was, and I certainly never experienced peace while I was drinking.

In other words, what I have found since forgiving and doing my grief work is a feeling that is so far greater than anything I had ever imagined possible. The journey to get to this point becomes well worth it once you get to this point.

For those of you who are dealing with long-standing anger or resentment, it is possible to get through that to another place, a place where you feel relaxed with others, with yourself, with the world around you. I wish you well in your journey and hope for you the path to forgiveness and peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, forgiveness, grace, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Forgiveness – Step-by-Step How to Get There

September 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. For some reason, this did not publish yesterday and I thought it did. I even read it on the website, I thought. I apologize for any confusion and now offer the how-to’s of forgiveness. Here is what I wrote for yesterday.

Good morning. Welcome back to the continuation of our discussion about forgiveness. Two days ago, I talked about what it was like to discover it. Today, I will present a process that could serve to move you from anger and resentment to forgiveness and peace.

I say “could” because the process will work when you are open and willing, with your action and participation. Let’s look at a system I stumbled upon that worked to move me into forgiveness; I am confident it could happen for you, too.

This is going to be a write-along today. I invite you to do the exercises that are defined below… It looks like an endless list, and much of what is written is explanation or information for you. I would strongly urge that you allow your mind and heart to be clear by avoiding the use of substances while you do this. Otherwise, you will never move forward to peace. Know that if you get stuck in any one spot, there is support and assistance available. That’s what I do… guide people over the hurdles on the way to forgiveness.

Here’s the process:

Identify the person who wronged you and how they wronged you. List them.
Determine if you provoked the other person and if you did, then own it, be accountable for it. It’s time to be humble, give up on the anger you hold, and forgive. Apologize if you have hurt another.
Determine if you have ever done the very same thing that was done to you. Own it and be accountable if you have. Write down the circumstances – what you did and how you were feeling at the time.
Feel compassion for yourself, an emotionally damaged person at that time
Now consider and believe that the person who wronged you was also emotionally and spiritually damaged.
Let compassion fill your being; feel compassion for their spirit, their soul.
Even if you have not repeated their wrong, feel compassion for them.
Stay in that space of compassion you would have for any wounded person. Hold it for both you and the other person.
Allow one chunk of anger and heartache to melt away and replace it with just a little bit of forgiveness.
Consciously notice any relief that you felt by the small amount of letting some anger go.
This is the gift you’ll experience. Write it (or them) down.

This is a process you can do over and over, and it will gently erode away your resentment, your bitterness. It will leave you eventually, the resentment will, if you keep at this.

If you are successful in shedding your anger and resentment, I applaud you. This all occurred through your creation. You created your own peace by forgiving and accepting what is. Nice work.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: finding forgiveness, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, the art of forgiveness

Forgiveness is the Key to Your Inner Peace

September 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Do you live in the space of anger at others for things that happened long ago. resenting the heck out of them? Or, do you live in the realm of forgiveness, having moved through your resentment to the other side?

There is another side, you know, a side where there is freedom from the physical and emotional aspects of anger, resentment. I don’t know about you, but when I was angry for all those 36 years, I was tight as a drum in my muscles, went around with a scowl on my face a great deal of the time.

Emotionally, I was always in a turmoil, a continual thought process about how I’d been wronged by so-an-so, who had hurt me, whose fault it was. I definitely did not have inner peace. I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Peace? Being at peace in my heart, my mind? What’s THAT?

What I discovered after about 5 years of sobriety was true forgiveness and the effect of that forgiveness was that 36 years of anger and rage slowly receded. One day, I just noticed how my energy was being spent watching the world and other people around me, and that I was a witness to miracles, every day. This realization bred a great deal of joy for me.

All this was possible and had occurred, because I was willing to consider forgiveness when it looked me in the eye. It looked me in the eye when I realized I was doing to the men in my life the very same thing that had been done to me when I was a child. I used to get drunk and scream at them that they were worthless. I was heartsick and mortified when I remembered this, because I so denigrated their soul.

The thing is, I didn’t even feel that way about THEM, I was feeling worthless about ME. After realizing that, I was given the grace to feel compassion for myself, a small child being told she was worthless, and the permanent scars that these words caused in her life.

One day it dawned on me… if I didn’t feel the men in my life were worthless, instead that I was worthless and said it uncontrollably, then is it possible my father hadn’t meant it about me, but instead, about himself and was unable to keep those feelings of worthlessness inside? Suddenly, the door was opened ever-so-slightly. Through that crack, I saw a man, just a man, young at that, with lots of responsibility for a large family, under lots of stress, having endured the verbal abuse himself at the hands of his father.

I saw all of that through the crack in the door, and slowly, it crept open and compassion flowed in. Well, it actually trickled, but steadily flowed. Forgiveness came over me slowly, gently, with God’s grace and my actions and thought processes. Willingness and being open minded and open hearted helped a great deal.

Suddenly, I began to experience what I described before… the ability to observe the miracles happening all around me. I put my toe in these waters, slowly, cautiously, not sure if I was dreaming or if the feeling of freedom would be rudely yanked away. Time showed me that it was permeant and that I loved it as a space to hang out in.

You, too, can discover the willingness to consider looking at things with new eyes. That’s all it takes. Willingness to consider something and someone differently. Then it takes compassion and being willing to extend it to another. What lies through this all is peace, inner peace. And freedom. Join me tomorrow and I’ll walk you through the process of how to find forgiveness for not only others, but yourself as well.

My day would feel incomplete to me if I did not say this… May we hold a screed space for those who were directly affected by the events of 9/11, and also for those of us who stood helplessly watching… horrified. Many blessings for those brave souls who sprang into action to help.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, how to find forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, Willingness

Finding Compassion in Sobriety and Sobriety in Compassion

September 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Very interesting the search terms that were used yesterday to find my site. Two of ten known ones were about how to show compassion and six of the ten were about sobriety. I was planning on continuing today with compassion, so that’s why it’s interesting what showed up in the results.

Over half counted were interested in sobriety, so I will include sobriety in my discussion… I am always happy to talk about sobriety because it is such an awesome addition to the journey.

Compassion is another one of the actions you can take that will help to push open the gates of your heart. That compassion, once you learn how to do it, is needed for both others and yourself. It’s a double -laned highway on the way to forgiveness. Through forgiveness, you will find peace. I am jumping ahead. Let me refocus…

As you develop new ways to be in the world for others and yourself, consider adding compassion to the tools you use to promote peace within. I found I had no clue what compassion was nor how to show it until I was a few years into sobriety. At some point, I began to notice the wonderful feeling of goodwill I had toward others, where my heart went out to them in a truly genuine way.

Without sobriety, I was too into myself… my fears, my ego, myself. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to be much concerned with what was going on with you. I am talking about concern that was more than superficial. I am talking about concern that makes me want to hear more of your plight, in an effort to determine how I can be of service to you.

This same concern for others that I show has to be shown to myself, also, in order for me to stay sober and to find more peace in my life. The same is true for you. You have to start learning to show yourself compassion in situations, for example, where you behaved badly because of some wound that was touched, some chord that was struck.

In that situation, if you can recognize that you were a wounded person in the moment you erred, needing some love and understanding, triggered to return to an original wound, then you can offer yourself compassion. Even, especially, offer yourself compassion for the ways in which you err against yourself with your negative self-talk, the criticisms, and beating-yourself-up.

This is virtually impossible to do if you are drinking and drugging, which is why sobriety becomes so important. You see, once you realize you have a wound that needs to be healed, the pain from that wound is exposed to the light and the pain may be intense. You want to deaden that pain, and perhaps use substances to do so.

But deadening the pain only prolongs the process you need to go through to heal and get to the other side of your angst. I experienced many times, again and again, that by exposing my pain and being willing to look at it, and to feel it, that it dissipated, resolved. I’m not saying the pain wasn’t excruciating at times, because it was and I wanted desperately to drink or dull the pain in some way or another.

Yet, my sobriety was my number one concern and I did not want to go back to the horror of my last several months of drinking. I did a LOT of journalling, brisk walking, and attending meetings of my support group. I did that for the first year and a half of sobriety. It helped. I also had a CD of soothing music, classical banjo and guitar, and I played it non-stop in the evening and night to soothe me.

I was showing myself compassion at the time, but didn’t know it as such.

You, too, can begin to become aware of how to treat yourself and your wounds, with great compassion. It will add to your sobriety, and your sobriety will add to your ability to show compassion to yourself. It feels really good. I invite you to try it for yourself.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, compassion for myself, compassion for others, compassion for ourselves, how to find peace, how to show compassion, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Find Peace By Doing a Performance Appraisal

September 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Standing strong in your truths is the search term from yesterday that applies to today’s post. Today we’re going to talk about one way to find peace through conducting a performance appraisal, a self-assessment. It requires that you stand strong in your truths about who and what you are, how you act and behave toward others and yourself. It requires that you be honest with yourself about yourself.

I have a friend who is all balled up over this issue. He has pushed away people that have been friends for 40 years. He is indignant about being called on the carpet for being verbally abusive to his wife. He has now disowned all his friends and his son for pointing that fact out to him. The thing is, he is not taking responsibility for his bad behavior toward his wife.

He WAS verbally abusive to his wife during a gathering of friends in Vegas last year. He is not taking responsibility for that bad behavior, though. Instead, he sees that his woes are caused by everyone else… his friend and his son when, in fact, he brought the critique on himself through his actions and words.

Many people do not look at their part in a situation, instead blaming others for their woes. Nine times out of ten, they are experiencing their woes because of their own behavior. In other words, they brought their woes upon themselves. If this is ever pointed out to them, they get huffy and indignant, like, “How dare you say such things to me.” What the person is failing to do in this situation is to get humble, and admit to their shortcoming(s).

To do a performance appraisal, find a block of time where you can do some writing and reflecting. Start by listing all of your positive points down. Then, list out your positive actions and behaviors for the past week or the past month. The objective is to identify the good things that make up who you are at your core.

Next, list out your negative behaviors and actions, including negative thoughts about yourself. Be honest. Be humble and accept that you are a human being who is human and who erred. Accept responsibility for your actions… be accountable for yourself.

Once you are, you may find that you owe another an apology. Do so and relay to them the way in which you were wrong. Don’t beat yourself up for your behavior; just vow to not repeat it if you can help it. Use it as a learning tool, a tool of self-discovery.

Once you complete your performance appraisal, you will begin to know more peace of heart, more calmness of mind. As you go through each day, continually be on the lookout for ways in which you have erred, have hurt another, and right that wrong quickly.

Today, as you reflect upon your performance appraisal, recognize that you are a human being on a journey of self-discovery, working toward inner peace. I invite you to take responsibility for your actions and words, how you treat others and yourself. See if that doesn’t lead you to more peace-of-mind.

If you are having difficulty doing a performance appraisal, consider setting up a coaching call with me and I can help you through the process. See how by clicking on the “Coaching Services” selection under the “Services” tab above.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal, slef-assessment

Find Peace – Keys to Unlock the Gates of Your Heart

September 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning! I hope this finds you well, and on your way to creating peace in your life!

Yesterday’s search term that caught my attention was “an invitation to the opening.” Very interesting, given that we are dealing with the keys to unlock, then open, the gates of your heart. And, I invite you to join in our journey, the search for peace about which I am blogging.

The journey involves first using the keys to unlock the gates of your heart. These can be used all the time. In fact, I recommend that you DO use them all the time. It will further your ability to create peace in your life.

The first and most important key is willingness. You must be willing to take the journey, willing to look at things with new eyes. Are you willing? You can be willing at any time, all the time… willing and eager for new information. I cannot stress how far willingness will take you.

Then there’s surrender. I used to think surrender meant giving up in despair. But it means giving in, letting go, of just about everything… the need to control and manage everyone and everything, the need to control and manage your feelings, to look good to others. It means letting go of trying to control the course of your life.

This is different than taking action. You want to take action in all areas of your life, but then, after taking that action, you will want to let go of the results and let them occur naturally. If things are meant to happen, they will, without your prodding and pushing.

The next key to unlock the gates of your heart is gratitude. Gratitude turns your life to gold, everywhere you look, with everything you touch. You see, if you are grateful for the little things, the littlest of events, your life will begin to transform and you will experience peace more and more. If you have difficulty seeing the world with gratitude, practice waking up and being grateful that you woke up, given the chance to live another day.

When you’re in despair or having feelings of worthlessness, waking up won’t be something to be grateful for, most likely. I know I experienced that, at any rate. In that case, learn to be grateful for one little thing in your life and hang onto that gratitude. Openly thank Source for that one thing, over and over again. Over time, you will be able to expend that gratitude to other things.

There will even become a point when you will be grateful for even the tough times, as you will realize there is a gift in them, a lesson to be learned. When you reach this point, then you will have mastered gratitude. Work toward this goal and when you reach it, you will be knowing peace.

But don’t try to fake it. Be real and authentic with your thoughts and feelings that you tell yourself or others. Admit to having a bad day. Be careful not to slip into self-pity, however. Just state facts about your situation, without pity, without remorse. Be sad or whatever you are at the time, but catch yourself short of wallowing in pity for yourself. This is a non-productive and energy-sucking place to go.

These are the three main keys to unlock the gates of your heart that will lead you to peace. There are other keys, such as humility, courage, honesty, and having an open heart and mind. Over time, as you practice these keys, they will become automatic. They are something you can do all the time.

Today, take some time to practice being willing, surrendering, and being grateful. These three things alone will lead you to more peace. I wish you well in your efforts to unlock the gates of your heart.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, surrender, Willingness

Creating Peace-of-Mind Using a Process I Discovered

September 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is pre-dawn and I am anxious for the day to proceed, while at the same time, savoring every moment. Living in the moment… Now there’s a concept about which I had no clue before I started on my journey of self-discovery and healing. I had no clue at all that doing such a thing was an option for me.

I was always worried about the future or the past. Worried that I’d screw something up, or make someone mad, or look stupid, or not get what I wanted, and then I could flip back to wondering what someone thought of me in a recent encounter. I was so worried about my self-image.

It took me several years of sobriety to be able to recognize that I was doing that and I finally got that it was related to my woundedness, to my past. Today, I live more in the moment, more concerned about connecting my message to the world, and less about what I look like, whether I’m bothering you. In other words, I have grown as a result of my healing.

That’s part of my message for you today – that it’s possible to go from emotional turmoil, living in the past and the future, to emotional calm and peace-of-mind. In fact, I help people , and a large amount of veterans, transform from grief, guilt, or anger to emotional calm and peace-of-mind. It is the process I went through to reach that state about which I am going to blog for a few days.

It all starts with willingness, this self-discovery stuff does. Are you willing to take a journey to wholeness, to peace? Is that frightening for you? Why is that? I know it was scary for me, and I wondered if you were experiencing that same fear of the unknown, that same resistance to change?

Make that determination now. If you discover you are not willing to embark on, to commit to, the journey, ask the Universe, Source, for the willingness to be willing to have willingness to commit to the journey. Repeat that again and again to yourself… slowly… It will eventually make sense.

Much of what I say relates to my recovery from alcoholism, so I mention sobriety a lot. I also have experienced that, without being sober, I didn’t stand a chance to do this healing work. Matter of fact, I used my drinking as an excuse to avoid looking at myself and my life for fear of the pain I would uncover, for fear of the need to make changes in my life.

You have to trust someone, so it may as well be me when I say that uncovering the pain, making changes is, in fact, painful. I won’t deceive you. It is difficult to look at those very wounds which scar your heart, even when wounded years ago. AND, what lies on the other side of the healing, the part of the journey where you’ve gotten past the pain, is so glorious it’s hard to describe. In other words, the journey through the pain is well worth it. So is the venture into the unknown.

The first key to discovering the gates of your heart involves looking at all of your wounds… the old ones, the new ones. List them all out, starting with the incident and then putting a word to how you felt at the time or how you feel today about the wound. For example, I had the wound of being called worthless every day, and from that, I felt worthless and shame for who I was. So, I would write down “being called worthless” and my two words about how I felt would be “worthless and shame.”

Try to make a comprehensive list and just be with it. Be honest. Be with any feelings that arise. Try to do this without self-medicating or you won’t have a chance to do this exercise. Go ahead… list out your wounds, the ones that still affect you today. I’ll see you tomorrow to continue in the process that will lead you to more peace-of-mind.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: emotional peace, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, stay sober

The Freedom of Choice in Sobriety – 2

August 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Let’s continue with yesterday’s post. I was talking about how powerful it was to realize my pain had been useful to another. In fact, it was so powerful, that I gained the understanding at a deep level that my purpose in life was to take the experiences that led to my misery and help others to get past theirs, simply in the telling of my story and the healing work I was doing. That realization is what continues to fuel me 3 years later.

What happened that day when I realized my true calling in life? Well, I made the choice, although unconscious, to look at my misery from a different angle. I chose to see that misery and my struggles because of it as learning experiences for me, in order to prepare me to be useful to others. I chose that path, and I continue to choose it.

How do you get past your struggles, your anger, bitterness, and misery? You, too, can choose to see those events with new eyes, as learning experiences so you can then reach out and help another, and another… and yet another… Unlike me, you can choose to do it consciously. Tell you what, it’s freeing. You get released from the misery, the struggle… the bitterness and anger.

For example, are you a Vietnam Veteran, struggling with resentment about how you were treated when you returned home? Drinking over it, perhaps? You may think that I’m going to tell you to get over it. I don’t believe in that philosophy. Instead, I say choose something different.

Identify the feelings that series of events evoked in you, and use that knowledge to help a vet now returning from war. Make sure that what happened to you is not repeated in current day. It is my hope that you will find, as you help others, your resentment will lessen.

It’s all about what we choose to focus on… in our sobriety, we are able to choose to believe in better things, different things. We are able, in sobriety, to seek out a positive outlook, to consider the benefits of our experiences and how we can be of service. It is freeing to have choice.

It leads the way to more peace-of-mind.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, how to stay sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Treasures Does Your Day Hold?

August 24, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all. It has been a few days of intense subjects and today, I want to lighten things up a bit. I thought you might like to know what I’m up to in my life.

My life is heavily entrenched in my work. Why, just last night, I traveled to the opposite edge of the Bay Area from where I live to attend a networking event, The Bright Side of Life. I fought the commute traffic on the way there, taking almost two hours to arrive.

Now, I am baffled by rush hour traffic. You go along, bumper-to-bumper and suddenly, for no reason, you are rolling along at the speed limit. No accident, no stalled car, etc., that was holding things up. It makes me want to knock on the driver’s side window of the lead cars and say, pay attention and just press on the gas!

That is one pet piece I have. Another is how the traffic slows up going up a hill. Oh! And the worst is when the cars in front of me slow down to the exit ramp speed before they even get to the ramp! So, they’re rolling along in a 65 mph zone, doing 45 or 50. A hazard… And then there is the slowed-to-a-crawl traffic while everyone slows down to see what is going on in the opposite lanes when there is an accident or something. I feel like saying, mind your own business and just drive!

So, here I was, caught in rush hour traffic on my way to this event, and it gave me time to reflect on my up-coming two hour workshop that is this Sunday, from 2-4 pm, 100 Roblar Drive, Novato, CA 94949. That’s in northern Marin county, in the San Francisco Bay Area. The event, Four Secrets to Creating a More Calm and Peaceful Life, deals largely with grief recovery, how to complete a self-appraisal, and forgiveness.

If you’ve read my home page, then you know how I have come though deeply debilitating grief, and it is the process I discovered with allows me to talk about the subject. Forgiveness is something I learned accidentally one day, a few years into sobriety. I teach the process I realized worked to dispel a lifetime of anger and bitterness toward the ones who traumatized me physically, verbally, and emotionally.

If you are interested in attending the workshop, please call me to register at 415-883-8325. Or, you can email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com. I get in a “zone” before I speak, and that works to ground and center me. It helps me to be more effective in passing along information that will lead you to a calmer, more peaceful feeling about yourself and the world around you. If you like what I blog about, then you will love this workshop.

Today, I will be practicing my talk. At some point, I am visiting the daughter of the elderly gentleman to whom I provide assistance. She is in from Seattle, visiting her father and she and I want to meet. I suspect she is about my age, which is what I’d call upper middle-aged.

What treasures does your day hold? What are you up to? Leave a comment and let me know. In any case, enjoy!

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Rewards of Sobriety

August 18, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

You will have your own experience of sobriety, of course, and all I can do is to relay what has happened with me. That’s what I have been writing about… my experiences. You will accumulate your own days, weeks, and months of sobriety… over time. As long as you keep focused on the desire to stay sober, the time will pass pretty quickly. That’s what happened for me, anyway.

I remember being new to sobriety. At the time, I was an emotional mess over an unrequited love. I was in huge grief and tremendous confusion over the signals he had been displaying that, to this day, I still swear were indicating that he cared for me. When he said he didn’t, I went immediately to a loss of reality, and, of course, huge grief over the loss of my hopes, dreams, and expectations of a relationship between us.

I was also in huge anger and bitterness. The anger was more like rage at the injustices that were done to me in earlier years… repeatedly. When I became sober, those feelings were so raw, so searing, that the flame engulfed me and all I could do was hang on by a thread and remain sober. Something helped me with that, some higher source, something stronger and more powerful than me. Writing in my journal became my solace, as did walking and meetings. I wrote again and again about my confusion, trying to regain a sense of reality.

If you are dealing with a similar or equally devastating experience, hang on tight to that dream to live without being numb from alcohol or drugs, for it is so worth it! You may find, as I have, that life is really wondrous in all its beauty and splendor. Even the hard times will turn to experiences that move you along on the path to healing.

The rewards of sobriety that I have experienced include the ability to forgive those with whom I was angry and bitter for my whole life. I have been able to see them as fallible, wounded human beings, just like me, wounded from their childhood and never healed. That has been one of the biggest rewards of sobriety.

Another is the way in which I have been able to view the world with kindness and gentleness, seeing it with wonder in all it’s glory. Not only is nature beautiful and awesome, but the people I run across in my life are generous and loving people as well. In their presence, I feel honored to be around them, appreciating them, seeing them with great respect in all their differences and uniqueness.

Of course, the best and most obvious reward has been the lack of hangovers every day, so bad, that I could not function. These I treated with Kentucky Fried or Taco Bell… hot or greasy food to soak up the alcohol. Living without hangovers has been delicious and that fueled me to continue with sobriety!

Sobriety has left me with feelings of peace, and the desire to maintain and continue it. You, too, can feel these feelings, yet, you need to keep sober to do so, to reach that point. You can do this! You can keep your sights on the rewards of sobriety and make it through one day at a time. I wish you well in your journey.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Sobriety Brings the Freedom of Choice

August 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning! I hope the day is going well for you.

Celebration of Choices

Today, I’d like to talk about how to exercise the freedom of choice that we have, now that we’re sober and feeling more peaceful. Once we get sober, we see that we have the choice to choose our actions, behaviors, and thoughts. Yes, even thoughts, even our attitude.

I went through my life not realizing that I was the one who could control how I was feeling just by allowing myself to filter out the negativity and to choose a more positive attitude. This realization occurred after I did some healing work around my childhood issues.

Until the thought came to me that I could choose how I felt, I played the victim. I spent my lifetime playing victim… blaming everyone else for my emotional state. I learned I had a choice to heal myself from my childhood wounds and to be a survivor, not a victim.

That healing I experienced is what my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart; A Journey of Healing, is all about. In the book, I go through the process I went through to get from miserable and bitter, very angry, to calm and peace-of-mind.

We can choose to participate in our own recovery. That is what you are doing, perhaps, by reading my blog every day… you are choosing to engage in an activity that affects your recovery, that strengthens it. All your efforts at healing are conscious, maybe even unconscious, choices.

Become aware of when you are choosing… in other words, always be alert to the choices you are making. To do nothing is a choice. When you do nothing, you are sometimes making the choice to stay stuck. The thing is, you have the option of getting unstuck through your actions, behaviors, and thoughts.

It is so freeing and exquisitely exciting to exercise your option of choice. Are you in an abusive relationship, for example? Is that what you really want for your life? Can you change your behavior in any way that will minimize or eradicate the abuse? If not, is it time to get out? Sometimes, we decide there is no option and we stay, but it is a detriment to our soul, which wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.

I stayed in a bad marriage, verbally abusive, for 20 years… about 15 years too long, as it got bad right about then. I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. It scared me. I didn’t want to be lonely. Heck of an unfair thing for my husband… totally dishonest of me. When the opportunity to leave the relationship occurred, I took it, but unconscious to the fact that I was making a choice.

Years later, I see that my leaving was the best thing for me, as it allowed me to become sober. You, too, can exercise your choices, even when they seem impossible. It’s like, the Universe will support you when you take action for your higher good. But you need to first make the choice for change in your life.

Today, look at the ways on which you are not exercising your ability to choose, all the ways in which you keep yourself miserable. Then, choose to make a change, even a small one. Celebrate that choice once you make it. That will make it easier to make a choice the next time. Happy choosing!

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Two things. First, I think that a lot of you are regular visitors to my site. If that’s the case, thank you so much. Will you please support me further? You would be a tremendous support if you would sign up to receive a free article on forgiveness by leaving your email to the right. I would be most grateful if you would do that. I send out communication about once a month or less.

The second thing is, if you are in the Bay Area in California, I have a free workshop coming up on August 26th, Sunday, from 2-4 pm in Novato. Here are the details I offer to you so you can register if you are looking for more peace in your life. http://creatingpeaceinyourlife.eventbrite.com/ Hope to see you there.

Have a great day!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: choice, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, the freedom of choice

Fulfilling Your Dream in Sobriety

August 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fulfillment of Dreams

Now you have come to peace-of-mind through your efforts of living in sobriety with love in your life. It is a glorious place in which to hang out, to rest. It is a haven of calmness.

Once you can live with more peace in your mind and heart, then you are able to focus more on your dreams. What are your dreams, or even just one dream? Go ahead. Think to yourself what that dream is… say it out loud or write it down.

When you speak your dream out loud or in writing, you open the door that allows the Universe to start presenting you with that dream. It’s the Law of Attraction in motion.

The thing is, you will need to take action to fulfill your dream. Notice things that are presented to you on which you can follow-up, things that get you closer to that dream.

As you take action and follow-up on what is presented to you, you will know you are headed in the right direction because things will fall easily into place. You will get the green light to continue on that path.

For example, my dream, one that I’ve had since the mid-80′s, was to go sailing and to live aboard a sailboat. My dream was to do that in the Caribbean. The opportunity to own a used 26 foot boat came about, and my husband and I acted on that by buying it. We spent the next 3-4 years sailing on weekends in the summers on a Colorado lake. We even renovated the boat.

We held the dream to cruise one day, and soon the opportunity to move to California came to us… my husband was offered a job in the Bay Area. We took the opportunity, and moved from Colorado. After a year, we found a 45 foot boat that needed a lot of work, work that we were skilled enough to do ourselves. So we bought and renovated it, and moved aboard, still with the dream of cruising one day.

Here I was, living the first part of my dream. Unfortunately, there was a lot of verbal abuse and after three years of living aboard, I left the failing marriage and continued on my own. I do not yet have a boat of my own, nor have I sailed in the Caribbean, and I still hold both of those dreams in my heart. One day, I believe one or both of those things will happen.

The key is to keep your dream in your heart, and speak it out loud periodically. Talk to other people about your dream, which sets the intention to the Universe. Keep taking action that moves you further to your dream, and recognize those opportunities as they arise. Thank Source when they arise.

What is your dream? Go ahead, dare to say it out loud, as far-fetched as it might be. Talk to others about it, then start noticing things that occur which, if you follow-up on them, will lead you closer to that dream. Thank Source for listening and hearing your intention. Keep doing that again and again, and one day, you will see that your dream has come true.

You will need to take some risks, perhaps, which will be a test of your commitment. You will need courage most of the time; in sobriety, you will find that courage. In sobriety, you can be honest with yourself about your dream.

The thing is, once you are living your dream, which I believe is your true purpose, life will take on an even calmer state. You will experience even more peace… a deep knowingness that what you are doing is correct. So, go ahead, dare to dream and reach for your dream. Surprise yourself!

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: dream, fulfilling my dream, how to find peace, inner peace, living in sobriety, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Sobriety Will Lead You to Peace

August 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Promise of Peace

Ah, we have finally made it to what we have been searching for. We have made it to peace.

“When I practice the principles of love for myself and others, the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk and peace rises to greet me.”

As the verse says, all you have to do is practice the principles of love for yourself and others. If you are kind, tolerant, gentle, compassionate, and respectful toward all beings, including yourself, peace will flow in.

There is a stilling of the mind and heart when you reach peace. It’s like the calm of a lake as you look out across the waters.

In order to get to peace, you have had to remain sober. You have had to work at your sobriety, learning and practicing the principles of love.

Forgiveness plays a huge role in achieving peace, for when you forgive, you free yourself… your mind and your heart. You feel washed clean.

Do you feel more peace in your life? Like the pink glow in the sky, has peace gradually descended upon you, catching you unaware? If so, revel in this feeling. Know that it is a place to which you can return when you practice the principles of love.

Today, enjoy the feeling deep in your heart. Enjoy that quietness and stillness of spirit. Stop struggling and be still. It will descend upon you. My hope for you is that you know peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Finding Serenity in Sobriety

August 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Balance of Serenity

“I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.” This is the verse that accompanies this image in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart A Journey of Healing.

Serenity is defined as the art or state of being serene, which is defined as un-troubled, calm, and tranquil. It is a space you find yourself living in when you go through the process which has been presented in this blog.

When living a life of serenity, you find yourself unruffled by calamity; instead, you are able to take things in stride. You do not become freaked out, or “wigged out” about things in your life when they go awry.

You are able to calmly assess situations and react with assuredness and certainty. Certainly, you are still concerned about difficult things that arise, but they no longer throw you off-kilter.

To get to this place of serenity, you have looked at yourself and have begun to heal old wounds through the practice of acceptance and forgiveness.

You no longer attract to your life the drama that you were involved in before, thus allowing you to remain serene through difficult times. Your ability to be in that space of serenity strengthens your sobriety, and the more you stay sober, the more serenity you experience.

All of this is achieved through using the process that has been described in this blog, from the development of trust in a power greater than yourself, to courage. Then you throw in honesty, openness, willingness, and humility, and you are able to look at yourself through a self-appraisal, in order to discover things that need to be corrected, righted, or changed.

Once this occurs, you are able to offer kindness, gentleness, tolerance, and respect to others and to yourself. You learn the art of forgiveness and you are set free to live your life, fulfill your dreams.

Today, look at how far you have come on your journey to serenity and peace. Be humble, yet commending of the actions you have taken to get to this point. Notice how your sobriety is strengthened. Enjoy your serenity today.

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Good morning. Yesterday, I neglected to blog because I was at a conference out-of-town. I hope you continued to enjoy the joy article from the preceding day. I am wondering how you liked the forgiveness article. If you haven’t received it yet, then sign up, to the right of this text. I think you will find some valuable information that will help you be guided to a whole new level of peace, as you forgive yourself and others. Enjoy!

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, serene, serenity, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How Sobriety Leads to Joy

August 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Burst of Joy

If we’ve stuck together through all of the stages and changes in thinking that have occurred along the way in these blogs, we have begun to see how sobriety leads to joy. We have begun to see that, if we have stayed sober, we are experiencing joy.

Joy is defined as a very good feeling, happiness, a great pleasure, delight, and anything causing such a feeling.

If joy is not happening for us, perhaps we want to examine our willingness level. Perhaps we’re stuck on a self-appraisal, or are having trouble forgiving. If so, we need to return to those topics and look again.

“I never thought this could happen. My heart BURSTS with joy!” This is the verse that accompanies the photograph of a gate’s center section, which is a diamond with rays, or bursts, of metal coming from the center, reaching upward and outward.

I never DID think I could feel this level of happiness. All my life, I had looked to others to supply it for me. Suddenly at one point in my recovery, it dawned on me that my happiness comes from inside and it is what I choose to make it. Soon after realizing this, I started experiencing joy.

Happiness and joy were the effects, the feelings that I sought from alcohol and drugs, yet, I never could find them there. So to have found them in sobriety, in much bigger levels than I ever dreamed possible, is something for which I am grateful every day.

You, too, can find this incredible joy. It come from within your being. It is a choice you make. If you are grateful for every little thing that occurs and surrounds you in your life, you cannot help but look at the world in great wonder, great awe, and from that grows joy.

I hope for you to stay the course, to stay sober through all the rough times. It is so worth it on the other side. Once you find joy, you will know serenity and peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Sober Living Tagged With: fiinding joy, how to find peace, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Fulfilling Your Dreams in Sobriety

August 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fulfillment of Dreams

From my experience, I have determined that, in sobriety, it is possible to live your dream that you have held in your heart forever.

Even when not in sobriety, our dreams can come true, although we may not be grateful for them at that time. Instead, we want more than is given.

But, if we remain sober, do our healing work, and take action in the direction of our dreams, one day we just find ourselves in the middle of them.

The key is taking action in the direction of our dream, saying yes to ourselves, and acting upon those things that come across our path to align us with that dream.

It takes courage, despite the fear we feel. It takes being self-responsible and holding ourselves accountable for our stumbles. It takes surrender to and acceptance of where we are being led.

We each, after all, have our own unique gift that we are intended to share with the world and when we align ourselves with our unique gift and stay sober, opportunities will arise for our taking.

When we begin to see our dream coming through, our sobriety allows us to express constant gratitude, which results in abundance that further leads us on our path. You may not be sober and your dream still comes true. It will have a different feeling than if you were sober.

For example, while I was in the middle of my drinking heyday in 1995, I moved from Colorado to California to live aboard a sailboat and to go cruising one day. I did live aboard for three years, at which time I left my troubled marriage and the boat.

I had held in my heart the dream to sail since the mid-eighties. Suddenly, here I was, about to live my dream to cruise and enjoying the boating lifestyle in the meantime.

Instead of spending each day in gratitude and wonder that my dream was a reality, I was always finding fault and wanting more. More things, a nicer boat, more happiness… I could go on, but you get the idea, I’m sure.

This picture is in such sharp contrast to what I am experiencing today in sobriety. As a result of God’s grace and keeping sober, my childhood dream to become a photographer has been fulfilled. I photographed and published the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Now, I am living my 1980s dream of being a speaker, empowering others to gain the serenity and peace I have found. All I am doing is taking the next indicated step that comes along my way that moves me toward my dream.

Today, get or maintain your sobriety. Reach in your heart and find your dream that is held there. Make the decision to live your dream. Gain the courage to stay sober and to take action on those things that will further your dream.

Don’t push, just let things evolve naturally. Do the things in front of you to do, day in and day out. One day, you may be surprised to find yourself living that dream.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: dream, dreams, finding your dream, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, living your dream, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Gift of Choice in Sobriety

August 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Once we have realized the realm of possibilities open to us, we discover the gift of choice in sobriety. Like the little man in his top hat pictured to the left, we can raise our arm high and celebrate the choices that we have.

The reality is that we have a choice about everything that occurs in our lives. Even when we think we have no choice, we do.

When I was in the throes of my healing work, I thought I had no choice about my feelings of angst. The fact was, I was exercising my choice, allowing those feelings to overcome me.

At the same time, I was choosing to heal, simply because I chose to get sober, and because I chose to do the healing work. If we are working on self-improvement, then we have made the choice to heal and to grow. Even if we’re not consciously aware of it, we have made a choice.

All choices have consequences. For example, I chose to stay in a dysfunctional marriage in which I was bullied, demeaned, and criticized continually. It took me a long time to choose to leave it behind, and even then, I wasn’t acting consciously with purpose.

The consequence of me staying in that marriage was a wounded self-image and esteem. I was accepting an assault against my being, rather than getting out and moving away from the relationship. That was a choice I was making.

When we look at the choices we are making, consider the consequences to ourselves and others. In the journey to serenity, peace, and a strong sobriety, we want to make choices that are in our highest good. Sometimes the consequences of those choices are difficult, yet, if they’re for our highest good, we will get help from our Source.

Today, look at all the choices you are making in your life. Are they in your highest good? If not, what is keeping you from making a different choice that IS in your highest good? Walk through your fears with faith and courage, and consider making a different choice. See the gift of choice that is yours, and exercise it.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: finding inner peace, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

With Sobriety Comes Possibility

August 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Realm of Possibilities

Having experienced all that we have, we now discover that there are a wealth of possibilities in our lives that we can tap into. There is nothing to stop us, except ourselves.

The gates are flung wide, offering us a stairway to climb that leads to serenity and peace. It leads to a stronger sobriety for us. The way is beckoning us.

All we have to do is keep climbing, taking with us the wonder and gratitude that surround us in our lives. We just keep practicing these, along with honesty, willingness, openness, compassion, kindness, and all the other positive ways to live in the world.

What we will find is a softening of out heart, our soul. As we recognize some possibilities, more will appear to us. Soon we are surrounded with possibilities in our lives.

The thing about our sobriety and possibilities is that we become able to discern our choices. We will not be numb, and therefore, can recognize the possibilities when they appear. We will recognize them, while before, when we were drinking, we could not.

Today, look at all the possibilities of ways to be in the world, with yourself and with others. Revel in all of these possibilities. Choose a couple to follow up on, and you will begin to feel more serenity and peace. Notice how, as you follow up on those, that more possibilities appear to you. Notice how smoothly your sobriety flows.

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I don’t know why, when I clicked on the image while it was in the pre-insert-into-the-post-mode, that it created a new page… I guess you can view that great photo twice!

To all of you who are faithfully viewing and reading my blog, I want to thank you. I hope with all of my heart that what I say is helpful to you. Now I have something more to offer for you, and it is my article on forgiveness. It goes into how to find if, along with exercises designed to guide you to that place. I invite you to sign up to get it… there to the right of this blog. Let me know what you think after you read it.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, serenity, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Enhance Your Sobriety with Gratitude

August 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Visions of Gratitude

Good morning. I have been gone for several days, getting my old computer more up to snuff, keeping at bay the need to get a new one… Thank you to those of you that continued to visit , despite the lull in new posts.

As a result of the lull, we have had a break in the flow of my posts and I am afraid that will have broken the momentum we had going.

I was going to do a review, in order to get our momentum back, yet the next topic about which to write is gratitude, and I believe we can slide back into the swing of it with this topic. Allow me to continue…

When we see things with eyes that appreciate, everything around and within us becomes more pleasing, more beautiful. Such is the case with gratitude. It becomes a way of life, whereby we are grateful for everything we have and do.

When living a life of gratitude, we begin the day by being grateful for another day, for waking up. Then we can be grateful for our sight, that we can see a myriad of colors and objects when we awake in the morning. And so forth throughout the day.

When we can live this way, our sobriety becomes easier and richer, and we are able to find serenity and peace.

But if you’re like I was in early sobriety, you are not able to be grateful. You do not see anything for which to be grateful. However, if you have followed the process we have been discussing, in the order it was presented, then you will have had a chance to look at old resentments, and hopefully, to resolve them.

With them resolved, hopefully you were able to forgive. Even if you have not gotten to the forgiveness stage, however, it is possible to see the world around you with gratitude.

Start by making a gratitude list every morning or every evening, whichever is the time for you that writing flows. Your list will be obvious things at first, like… you are grateful for a home, food, family and friends, your job. Keep doing this every day.

Really reach within for things about which you are grateful. After a while, you may notice a change in your list. You may begin to add things like your sobriety, your belief in a power greater than yourself, the guidance you receive from that power.

You may begin to feel gratitude for things such as the expansive feelings in your heart that you feel toward others you meet in your day. You may be grateful you are an alcoholic, for it brought you to this journey of healing.

Gratitude may well up inside as you consider that your difficult past occurred so that you could heal from it and then pass your message of healing along to others, to be of use to them.

When you can live with gratitude as the foremost thing in your heart, the road becomes easier and joyful.

Today, consider all the things for which you are grateful. Make a list of those things. Let your heart sing as you write each thing down. Really feel that gratitude as a deep feeling. If you are having difficulty with this, just start where you are and write down what you can.

Continue this as a daily practice until being grateful for the things in your life is second nature and happens easily. Feel that freeing feeling, that feeling of deep satisfaction and peace. You are experiencing gratitude as a way of life.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Experiencing Awe and Wonder in Sobriety

July 31, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Moments of Wonder

Ah, I am back from the computer’s little vacation. I hope you are enjoying the new look of my website… The forgiveness article is yet to come, and I appreciate your patience.

In our pursuit of sobriety, serenity, and peace, living a life filled with awe and wonder will get us closer to our desired goal. It will lighten our heart, and delight our being.

All it takes is a decision to look at every little thing around us and find awe and wonder in it. For example… the star in the photograph to the left. I did not see that when I snapped the photo, nor did I see it for about nine months after that.

Then one day, I had all my gate photographs leaning up against the wall, and I was standing back, looking at them. I looked at this photo and saw the star, beaming at me from across the room.

I stopped in amazement! In that moment, I was struck with awe and wonder. Hence, the title for the image.

Since that time, I made the resolve to notice the small things around me. I do this every day, and every day, I notice something that strikes me with awe, and I feel wonder at the creation I am observing. It can be an object or another person, but I always find something about which to be in awe and wonder. It just comes naturally now.

We can all do this. As I said, it takes a decision, and then it takes slowing down each day to notice the world around us. If we start with something like a flower, we will notice its delicacy, its beauty, and we will be touched with awe and wonder. When we are, our sobriety softens and we find our way to serenity and peace. We will find that we are useful to others because we are often inspiring to them.

Today, take the time to make the decision to look at the world around you more closely than you currently do. Make the decision to see it with awe and wonder. Don’t you feel lighter, filled with awe and wonder? If you do this, it will help your sobriety and your journey to serenity and peace.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awe, awesome, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, wonder

Celebrate Your Growth of Character in Sobriety

July 18, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Growth of Character

When we engage in all of the things about which I have been blogging, we cannot help but see our character growth. At least, it will be growing and we can take notice. Often, we don’t, and we don’t see our individual growth, the growth of our character.

It seems like we get so engrossed in our lives that we forget to stop and step back to see where we have been and where we are now. Undoubtedly, when we do this, we will see character growth. We will see some changes.

We will want to allow ourselves this process of looking at the “then” and the “now,” not to wallow in things, or to be smug, but to humbly offer ourselves acknowledgment for our accomplishments, and to thank Source for assistance. We want to renew and refresh our energy so that we can continue on.

What we shall most likely find is a growth of interesting character, much like what is growing on the wall of the stairway in the photo above. Like the gentle and bright lichen on the wall, our new character traits show up and rise above the darker moss that also grows on the wall.

The lichen, our character and spirit, are lighter than the moss and we will be feeling lighter by this point in our journey. We need to allow this character growth, this spirit growth, and then we need to recognize and acknowledge it.

We use this information to be of use to others by talking about where we have been and where we are now. This gives them hope and permission to feel better about themselves.

And, it serves to spur us on in times of discouragement or despair. These times will most likely occur during the course of our sobriety, and we can be ready for them. It all starts with recognizing our character growth.

Today, look at how far you have come. Recall where you once were, and where you are currently. Recognize your character growth. Deeply breathe in that feeling of goodness about a job well done. Feel the more mature feel of your sobriety, and know peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, ineer peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Tolerance Adds to Our Sobriety and Peace

July 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Practice of Tolerance

Today’s topic is practicing tolerance of others. Tolerance is the ability to recognize, respect, allow, and permit another’s values, beliefs, and practices, even if we don’t like them.

However, if one is treating us with disrespect or abuse, we do not tolerate that behavior. If that is us being disrespectful and abusive to another, we do not tolerate that behavior in ourselves; rather, we attempt to change that about ourselves.

Similarly, we do not tolerate abuse and disrespect that we dole out to ourselves, as that denigrates our spirit. We learn how to be respectful of ourselves, and we go to whatever length we need to, in order to accomplish this. We engage in such activities as journaling about it, talking to another, or seeking counseling.

The thing about tolerance that is freeing and that adds to our sobriety and our path to peace, is that once we learn to tolerate others, we no longer feel like we have to defend ourselves and who we are. We can live and let live.

In our practice of tolerance, we can even get to the point of finding another’s differences interesting, exciting, as we recognize the added richness those differences bring to our lives.

We even discover that another’s differences do not diminish our own value. We no longer need to compare ourselves to others.

Today, practice the art of tolerance. Experience that gentle feeling and warmth toward others that comes when you do. If in an intolerable situation, consider moving away from it, emotionally or physically. When you practice tolerance, feel how you are freer, more settled in sobriety, on the pathway to peace.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance, tolerance of others, tolerance of ourselves

Judging Others Affects Our Sobriety Negatively

July 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The obvious thing about judgment is that we want to halt our malicious judgment of others. Judging others and ourselves harshly, while denigrating the spirit, adversely affects our ability to stay sober, as well as to find peace.

We want to find a way to cease judging others negatively. Certainly, we need to assess that we are safe in any given situation, and so we will judge others to that end. But I’m talking about judgment borne of fear, hatred. We cannot maintain our serenity when we are busily judging everyone. It is this which we want to learn to curb.

When we judge others negatively, we denigrate that person’s spirit. It is character assignation.

Absence of Judgment

This is all very valid when it comes to the topic of judgment, yet, I wish to look at the issue of how we judge any given situation in our lives as good or bad. When we are going through a tough time, for example, we wonder why this is being done to us, why Spirit or Source is taking us through the anguish and strife.

We struggle to get through the rough times, sometimes even getting angry at Source, or denouncing It. The thing is, we can practice the principle, absence of judgment, in these situations. What do I mean by that?

To explain it, let’s start at the end. Once a difficult situation has resolved, and time has passed, we can look back and see how the incident made us stronger, or saved us from a bigger evil, or was for our highest good. We can even consider that we were given opportunities.

We begin to see how Source chose to bring us these opportunities, that without that specific incident, we wouldn’t have paid attention. Sometimes, our lessons are harder because we did not heed earlier signs that we were going down the wrong path.

Eventually, we realize that within these difficult times are gifts, as they contain lessons for our betterment. This belief helps us through those hard times because we are looking for the lesson, the gift. Knowing that when we have survived the event, we can help another through similar circumstances, gives us purpose.

Today, see if you can find a silver lining in a rough experience you have had in your life. Identify the lesson, the gift. Does that help with your sobriety, bring you peace?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, judgment, judgment of others, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Respect the Individuality of Yourself and Others

July 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Respect of Individuality

Perhaps the most kind and loving thing we can do is to show respect for individuality, both our own and another’s.

When we respect others, we promote peace and harmony in the world. When we respect ourselves, we gain emotional peace and the desire to stay sober.

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?” If you are like me, you were never celebrated for my individuality in your early years. If you were like me, you were compared to your siblings or others and found to be deficient, every time.

If we are doing that to another, we need to stop, as it kills the spirit. If we are disrespectful of ourselves and our talents, our attributes, we need to stop. It is killing our sense of purpose and our will to follow our dreams.

Instead, let’s celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, to be unique, to be individuals.

When we do this, we will know a much richer life. And we will know more emotional freedom and peace. We will wish to stay sober to experience all of it.

Today, practice respecting the uniqueness of others, their individuality. Practice respecting your own individuality. Experience the peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, individuality, inner peace, living sober, peace, respect of individually, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Acknowledgment of Others – A Way of Living Sober

July 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I apologize for my lack of consistency in posting daily. Again, I got side-tracked…

Acknowledgment of Others

As we continue through the journey to sobriety and emotional peace, we have come to a point where we feel better about ourselves. We feel more complete and accepting of ourselves and our feelings of goodness begin to overflow to those around us. For the next few days, we will examine ways in which we can be more loving to others.

Today, we will talk about acknowledgment. On the one hand, we want to show acknowledgment to ourselves for our characteristics, our feelings, our quirks. ”We go within so we can reach out to others.”

We also want to show acknowledgment to others, simply because they are human beings sharing this space we call Earth. “We reach out to others so we can go within.”

There is nothing more loving than to be walking along, passing someone, and showing them acknowledgment with a smile or a nod. It’s as if our heart is bursting with so much love that it pours forth to others, and we show them that we see them, that they matter, simply because they are another person, moving through life as best they can.

“We all want to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves.”

We can do a lot for our sobriety and peace simply by acknowledging others. Remember, this occurs freely when we have acknowledged ourselves.

Today, take those good feelings about yourself and share with others by offering acknowledgment with a smile or a nod. Doesn’t that feel nice to do that, to connect with another in this way? Don’t you feel more at peace?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acknowledgment of others, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, Sober Living, sobriety

Patience in Sobriety Leads to Peace

July 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Patina of Patience

As we continue through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to patience as our next topic. This, for me, was a difficult thing to master, and I still struggle with it at times.

I have had a lifetime of running so fast and forcing everything, so this idea of being patient and waiting for things to happen in their own time was foreign to me. I had to learn to be patient for everything… for results of my actions, for Source to show up with results to my actions.

I found that I needed to take an action and then turn my attention to the next indicated thing to do, the next thing that appeared on my path to do. In other words, I needed to take the action and then let go of results.

To do this, I needed patience. I developed it with a great deal of constant reminder to keep my fingers out of the affair and let Source work for me, in its own time.

Once we develop patience, allowing the Universe to work for us, not forcing results, a calmness appears in our lives. Like the patina that grows over time on the gate in the photo, there is a beautiful quality to being patient. It furthers our sobriety.

It becomes second nature to take action and let go of forcing a result. Try it and see how it feels for you. One key is identifying the ways in which we force things, the ways in which we are impatient. Once we can do this, then it becomes easier to remind ourselves to wait, to have patience.

When we develop the art of patience, we will discover that calmness which adds to our level of emotional peace and serenity. It will further our sobriety, as we are not trying to force things all the time.

Spend some time identifying ways in which you lack patience… with yourself, with others, with situations. Try to remind yourself to be patient when you find yourself becoming impatient. Over time, it will become second nature to you, and you will discover the delightful art of patience.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, patience, peace, sober, sobriety

The Benefit of Perseverance in Sobriety

July 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Rolls of Perseverance

As we continue through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to perseverance. It is the next step in our journey to sobriety and inner peace.

I must first interject an acknowledgement about my lack of postings for the past two days. I get involved in the morning in a project and before I know it, it is 4:00 pm. And I discover I have not yet blogged.

Thinking that it’s too late in the day to blog, I decide to save it for the next day. And then the next day, I do the same thing. That is what happened the past two days. I am involved in my script for my talk that is occurring this Sunday in Novato, CA. http://carolyncjjones.eventbrite.com/

It’s not an excuse; rather, it is a way of letting you know what happens to me on the days I don’t blog. And so I apologize if you came to visit and were disappointed. I am hopeful you found past articles to satisfy you.

Now, back to perseverance and why it’s important in sobriety…

If we fail at any of our attempts in the process of getting and staying sober and finding peace, we just keep moving forward… we persevere in our attempts. We do not beat ourselves up because we have not reached the vision of who we want to be.

Beating yourself up and putting yourself down for not finding success in your attempts on your first try are self-defeating. Think, rather, that you choose to keep moving through any unsuccessful attempts.

Keep trying until you are successful in your endeavors. Repeat over and over, if necessary. Celebrate your attempt that you took in the first place. In other words, celebrate the trying.

“I struggle to not become discouraged, or to think I am a failure, because I have not achieved in my first few attempts the vision of myself as I wish to be. Instead, I try to hold tightly to that vision, awaiting my efforts to catch up with the way I am seen by my heart.

“Through practice and perseverance, I am learning and growing.”

Whatever your endeavor, whatever you are trying to achieve in your sobriety and your path to peace, keep trying until you are successful. Think of it as learning to walk, and recall how that took continual practice and “failure.”

I put “failure” in quotes because nothing is a failure… it is just another attempt to grow and heal, to keep sober and to find peace. So keep trying until your actions and thoughts match your desires. Keep persevering.

Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success. This is what persevering means, according to Webster. If you are continually running into blocks and walls, however, consider that you’re headed in the wrong direction. I invite you to change course.

I wish you well on your efforts to become the person you wish to be. May it enhance your sobriety and help you on your journey to peace.

Freedom of Forgiveness in Sobriety

July 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Tiers of Forgiveness

Perhaps one of the most rewarding things that comes to us in sobriety, when we are able to do it, is the freedom of forgiveness. Once we are able to forgive others for their wrongs, and then forgive ourselves, we will experience deeper peace and serenity.

It has been my experience that forgiveness happens in tiers or stages, over time. Just as the baby tears which grew by this gate in this picture evolved over time and are beautiful, so can forgiveness grow over time, and is beautiful when it occurs.

How do we get to forgiveness when someone has wronged us, led us to a life of anger and resentment over those wrongs? “Ruined” us emotionally… Made our life a shambles… Is the cause of our emotional misery…

How can we let go of this seething power which has control over us, and why in the world would we even WANT to let go of it? We are, after all, justified in our indignation!

This was me when I reached sobriety. I had spent my life being resentful and miserable because of incidents from my childhood. It had left me deeply scarred. It affected me every single day in one way or another and prevented me from having lasting emotional peace.

Everyone kept saying to me, “Get over it. Move on.” Except I couldn’t; that’s what I’d done with my drinking and drugging… tried to get over it. It didn’t work; I numbed out instead to avoid the feelings of shame, worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair. Of course, at the time, I could not name these, I just knew I was miserable – still angry, definitely not experiencing serenity and peace on a lasting basis.

Yet now, I experience serenity and peace every day. It is a place of calm from which my actions, thoughts, and emotions well. I have resolved my anger, my resentment, and have forgiven those who wronged me. That was the piece which was missing for me, which prevented me from finding emotional peace and serenity.

At this point, I need to tell you how I got to that place of forgiveness, but this piece is getting long. Instead, I will save it for tomorrow. I suggest that what you do between now and tomorrow’s post is to do some work around who or what you cannot forgive. Recognize who/what you cannot forgive and clearly define why. See what emotions surface and try to sit with them for a bit. Feel in your heart how wrong their action was.

Then turn your attention 180 degrees. Consider how this has consumed your life and darkly colored it. Do you want something different for yourself? Consider the possibility that you can leave this misery behind and create a new story and become willing to hear about how. Then, wait for tomorrow’s post which will describe how I found the freedom of forgiveness.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Kindness Will Further Your Sobriety

July 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Curls of Kindness

Once we have clarified our morals, truths, and integrities, it is time to look at our actions. Do we come across to others as kind? Are we kind to ourselves?

Showing kindness is one of the most single, powerful things we can do to promote peace. It will also benefit our sobriety, as when we are kind to others and ourselves, we know a sense of serenity.

When we show kindness, we have a good feeling about ourselves. Being kind feeds our ability to be kind to more people. And, when we show ourselves kindness, we feed our soul, we celebrate ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but when I go out in public to, say, the grocery store, I sometimes listen to parents talk to their children in a very unkind way. That denigrates their being, squashes their spirit.

Sometimes, the words that come out of our mouth are unkind, but we can always apologize for that and make an amend by being kind in the future dealings with people.

How do you display kindness to others? Do you consciously try to be kind, or do you not think about it? You might try thinking about it, as showing kindness will further your sobriety and your emotional strength. It will lead the way to peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acts of kindness, how to find peace, inner peace, kindness, living sober, peace, random acts of kindness, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Finding Emotional Strength – Part 2

July 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday we talked about finding the morals, truths, and integrities that resonate with your heart. Doing this will help you find emotional strength. I suggested you write them down in a list. Interestingly, I have never done this, so I decided to do so. Today I want to share what I found when I listed these things out.

First, I went to the dictionary and looked up each of the words morals, truth, and integrity. Here’s what I found.

Moral is right or wrong in conduct, the principles of right or wrong. Here are the morals I discovered which fit for me:

respect and tolerance of others and self
kindness and compassion shown to all
approach all with love
be true to myself above all
promote peace

Truth is the quality of the state of being true, it is honesty, loyalty, trustworthiness, and genuineness, and it is the facts of realness. My truths that I discovered are:

My mission is to be of service.
I strive to be kind to all.
On a daily basis, I am a better and stronger person.
I am a strongly moral person.
I am intelligent, clever, and creative.
I am a deep thinker and feeler.

Integrity is defined as the ways in which I am of sound moral principle, up-right, honest, and sincere. I came up with a few ways in which I show integrity. These are:

I do not knowingly hurt others or myself.
I am honest in my dealings with others about who I am.
I am transparent about my struggles and my triumphs.
I build others up rather than tear them down.

These are the things which resonate with my heart, which advance my sobriety, and which bring me peace. They provide me with emotional strength.

I am curious what you came up with and invite you to share by leaving a comment. If you didn’t list them out, I urge you to do so, as it can aid you in your ability to stay sober and to find peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: emotional strength, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Compassion in Sobriety – Part 2

June 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The second part of the definition of compassion states that it is sympathy or sorrow shown toward another or others. I propose that this definition be expanded to include ourselves.

Our first thought may be, “this is selfish.” But if you think about it, why shouldn’t we each have access to the same sorrow and sympathy to which others have access, when it comes to our realizations about our downfalls and the wounds behind them?

By showing ourselves compassion in this case, we allow the grieving process to begin. If we grieve about our downfalls and the wound(s) associated with it, if there is a wound, we avoid going into self-pity. Thus, we keep ourselves from playing small.

Instead, we can step into being with our humanness. In other words, we see our flaws, our errors, and we take action to correct them, to improve the traits that need improvement.

When we’re in self-pity, we cannot take action. We become paralyzed because all of our energy is going into ourselves. This is when selfishness applies. Having spent most of my life in self-pity, I can now see that it was very selfish of me and it definitely kept me playing small.

The issue of playing small is one which I just learned about in a two-day intensive workshop called Double Your Practice in 90 Days, conducted by Jesse Koren and Sharla Jacobs. This seminar is part of a series referred to as Rejuvenate Training. I had the revelation that, in regard to my efforts in marketing myself as a speaker and a coach, I am playing small, rather than standing tall in the gifts that God has given me.

One such gift is the ability to see the details within the whole picture. It is that gift which allows me to see these details about how compassion aids the journey to sobriety and peace, while holding a space for the overall desire for sobriety and peace. And I have also been given the gift of being able to articulate my thoughts in writing, and then, in speech. So, coming from the space of wanting to be useful to others, I write and I will speak.

It has been fear that has kept me from doing more than the planning stage of my new endeavors to be a speaker and a coach, kept me from making calls to schedule talks, for example. I am afraid of the attention I may get, afraid of rejection, afraid I don’t know what I’m talking about. These are the fears which hold me back. They are false evidence appearing real.

What can I do about it? I can apply compassion for that hurt child whose history includes the experiences which resulted in these feelings. I can experience the sorrow and grief I feel over the loss of a happy childhood. I can get angry over the rejection, the false statements.

In the end, when I’ve gone through the grieving process, I can get to a place of peace about it, a place of acceptance. And this allows me to heal, so that I can show up for myself in the world. When I can show up for myself, then I can show up for you, and I am able to become of service to you. It becomes a continual dance between showing up for each other and ourselves that is beautiful and evokes peace. So, tell me, why would showing yourself compassion be selfish?

Today, look at the list you created yesterday. Look at each way in which you feel sorry for yourself and figure out why doing that makes you small. Then trace that wound that leads you to be small, back to its origin. When you discover what that is, determine what feelings you are experiencing because of it. Apply compassion. Let yourself feel sympathy and sorrow for yourself and the person who endured the wound(s), and who experiences those feelings.

This seems like a lengthy process. At first it may feel awkward and clumsy, and it may take time to do. With practice, it becomes easier and less time-consuming. I invite you to try it. It will further your sobriety and will contribute to your peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, compassion for myself, compassion for others, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Be Gentle with Yourself in Sobriety

June 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Bed of Gentleness

Be gentle with yourself as you move forward in your sobriety. This is so very important, so listen… We get so mired in beating ourselves up and criticizing ourselves, that we are beaten down before we even start.

This is so self-defeating. It does nothing except put a damper on our sobriety. It makes us wrong, rather than human. Instead, be as gentle as a bed of ivy…

This is especially true for our work with our performance appraisal. As we look at our shortcomings, we want to be especially gentle with ourselves. I’m not saying we excuse ourselves from our bad behavior, but we can still be gentle with ourselves while we become responsible for ourselves.

We also need to be gentle with others, just as we are with ourselves. Be like that bed of ivy – soft, caressing, swaying in the breeze.

Remember to treat others as we would like to be treated and don’t forget to be gentle with yourself! This is necessary on our path to peace…

Today, practice being gentle to yourself and see how that feels.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: gentle, Gentleness, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, sober, sobriety

Staying Sober Using a Performance Appraisal

June 24, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Search of Self

One of the most powerful tools we can use to get and stay sober is a performance appraisal. This is something we want to learn to do on an on-going, daily basis. Performing a self-appraisal will lead us to peace.

We are looking at all our curls, our shades of tan and rust, so-to-speak, as well as our shadows, our dark side. Right in the middle of it all, we will find our heart, shining brightly.

How do we do a performance appraisal? We begin by listing out our positive points, the ways in which we treat ourselves and others with kindness, tolerance, and respect.

We add to that list the things that we do well. We do this objectively and honestly, knowing that we are not bragging or flaunting our positiveness; rather, we are getting to the bottom of who we are at our core.

Next, we write down all the ways in which we have hurt others, ways we have been intolerant, unkind, disrespectful, ways we have hurt them spiritually. It takes courage to admit to these things, yet, it is necessary to illuminate our being.

Remember, we are looking for our heart that shines, like the knob in the picture above. Once we have listed out our positive and negative aspects, we want to next list out people with which we are angry or resentful, and why. Look at this list carefully. This is the key to the performance appraisal. This is the key to peace.

We look at the third list and notice what has angered us about others’ actions. Now, consider all the times we did the very same things for which we are angry.

Once we discover this, we allow it to sink in to a very deep level. Recognize that we, as well as the other person with whom we are angry, is human, that we are displaying our humanness. We take this information and “be” with it for a while, not to beat ourselves up, but to realize that we, too, do things which are not kind, not tolerant, not respectful. We don’t like to look at these things about ourselves, yet, they are key to finding sobriety and peace.

Given this realization, we can feel our “aha!” moment. Once we realize that we might do the very things we are angry at another for, we can let go of our anger with compassion for both the other person and ourselves.

There will be things for which we are angry that we have not done ourselves, such as abuse. For these, there is a way to get to forgiveness, and we will discuss that when we come to forgiveness.

With our lists, we have a good idea of who we are at a soul level. We can celebrate our positive points and resolve to do things differently to manage our negative side. To do that, we ask for help from our Source. We also talk to someone that we trust to relay what we have found so we don’t keep it bottled up inside to “stew” on.

Today, look at yourself in a new light. Take the time to conduct a performance appraisal and discover the delightful and not-so-delightful things about yourself. Use this list objectively, to improve yourself. Know that once you have looked at yourself in this new light, it is something you want to do daily to keep yourself on track.

Willingness is the Key to Your Sobriety

June 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Key of Willingness

Willingness is the key to our sobriety. It is behind everything… everything! Being willing to be willing will help us achieve sobriety and peace of mind.

Behind all the things we have been talking about lies willingness. If we are willing to get sober, to be uncomfortable sometimes, and still not pick up a drink, then we have more chance of succeeding.

If we are willing to face our emotions, even the difficult ones, we improve our chances of staying sober. Willingness is behind our courage, our faith.

If we are simply willing to consider the presence of a higher Source in our lives, we have more chance of being sober, as that Source can act to guide us.

Willingness is behind our degree of honesty. If we are willing to look at ourselves honestly and be who we are with others, then we increase our chances of staying sober.

If we are having difficulty getting willing, we pray for the willingness to be willing. It is that simple.

The thing about willingness is, it takes just a little to go a long way – just the size of a keyhole. Once we demonstrate that little bit, the Universe comes to our aid and helps us expand upon it.

Willingness is something we do readily, cheerfully, and voluntarily. We consent to do something specified or implied. With this attitude, we cannot go wrong, we will not be led astray.

Today, be willing to open your heart and mind to the concept of willingness. Take action to be willing. Consciously identify and realize your level of willingness. When you become willing, your life will flow much more smoothly, you will be able to stay sober more easily, and you will find peace.

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Being Sober Requires an Open Heart and Mind

June 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Openness of Heart

Having an open heart and mind are essential for sobriety. It is helpful for us to come at life with an attitude of wonderment, open to everything we see and hear.

Making or having a judgment about everything, thinking we know everything, is detrimental to trying to remain sober. It is contempt prior to investigation. Staying open leads to being delighted with everything that comes our way.

I used to have a pretty closed mind, thinking I knew everything there was to know about so many things. I was resistant to new ideas presented to me, always thought I knew best.

Then, when I got sober, I had to learn to practice humility, and I learned I didn’t know much about a lot of things. It was that return to humility again and again that taught me to have an open mind.

The thing that’s so cool about having an open mind is that we begin to see everything with awe and wonder. It is a place of great discovery and fun. Exposure to new things brings on a whole new dimension of richness to our lives.

Usually, an open heart follows an open mind. Perhaps this is because we protect our heart more. When we use the courage we have found and ask for help from our Source, we can get past the fear of opening our heart to let ourselves out and others in.

Do you have an open heart and mind? Where are you closed? Can you take a look at that and make a different decision about whether to have an open heart and mind? It will ease your life to have an air of openness. It will help you find inner peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, openmindedness, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Bring to the World the Gift of Being Honest

June 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Welds of Honesty

One of the most important practices we can use to get and stay sober is being honest. By this, I mean not only cash-register honest, but honesty about who we are.

Cash register honesty means we don’t lie, cheat, or steal. But above and beyond that, we want to be honest with ourselves and others about who we are inside.

We will need our honesty when we reach the exercise of doing a performance self-appraisal, where we will look at the both our positive and negative points, our strengths and things we have done well, and our weak areas. But for now, let’s focus on our positive traits.

There is a lot of talk about looking at our not-so-desireable traits, our dark side, if you will. But not much is said about considering and celebrating who we are on our positive side.

It is this that I urge us to do. We want to stop and take a deep breath. Then sit with, maybe write down, all the good things about ourselves. How were we kind to others in the recent past… tolerant, compassionate?

What are our strong qualities and traits that we want to consider? It is okay to acknowledge these to ourselves and others, as we become more honest about who we are.

We are each here for the special message we hold for others, and when we are not honest with others about our good points, we keep our value from them, thus denying them a valuable experience, maybe even a healing experience. And we deny ourselves the pleasure of being of service to another.

When we look at our positive points, we do so with humility, being neither boastful nor shame-filled. We just state the facts with no emotion attached. This may be difficult for us to do, having been trained not to brag about ourselves. Yet, with humility, we can avoid bragging.

Today, take the time to sit and reflect upon your good traits, the ones that make you unique, the ones that feed your soul when you are engaging in them. Once you have identified them, celebrate them. Congratulate yourself and know these are your gifts, the things that make you, you.

Know that those are your gifts that you are intended to bring to the world, and know that you cannot do that unless and until you are totally honest with others about who you are inside. It starts with being honest to yourself.

Once you are able to ferret out your positive traits and goodnesses, you will experience more peace about yourself. That’s what happened for me, at any rate. It was just a deep knowingness that I was okay as a person. It allowed me more ability to stay sober and to live sober. I hope you find that to be true also.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: honest, honesty, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance appraisal, self-honesty, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Finding the Courage to Stay Sober

June 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Spaces of Courage

It takes courage to get and stay sober. After all, when we stop numbing our feelings with alcohol, they present themselves for us to deal with, to look at, to heal from. It takes guts to hang in with it.

We can first consider that the experiences we will have are for the development of our soul, our consciousness, and for our healing. We have taken the step to become sober, and hopefullyhave committed to seeing ourselves through the tough times. Rely on your Source.

Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations With God, says of the experiences that greet us: “One thing we do know. Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having in this moment.”

Rather than drown out the pain that arises, or give it to another to solve for us, recognize that it is for our higher good, for our evolution to much bigger and more freeing things.

So how do we find the courage to stick with it, to remain sober, when we are desperately grappling for a hand hold, while our emotions are all over the map? As I mentioned above, we turn to our Source and ask for help through any difficulty.

We turn over our emotional pain to that Source, asking it to join us in a sacred space of healing. We will find the courage to continue. Know that your emotional status will improve, it will get easier and will improve.

Another thing to do is to be with our pain and apply compassion to it. We show ourselves compassion, kindness, and we speak gently to ourselves. We ask for courage and it will come if we are open to it.

This may sound frightening to some, dealing with emotional issues. Try not to allow this to prevent you from trying sobriety, forsober living is an amazingly beautiful way to live. As one who is on the other side of that emotional pain, I can truly say thatthe difficulty was worth what lies ahead.

Have faith, have courage. Be willing to explore what lies ahead for you. Know that it is for your highest good, and you shall make it through the hard times. I wish you spaces of courage through the tough times. Remember, you are on a journey to peace.

Developing Awareness to Further Your Sobriety

June 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Birth of Awareness

I have missed the last four days… and I apologize for that. I just get started on the day and it gets away from me. Thank you for your continued visiting. I will make a concerted effort to blog every day again.

Once you have cleared the energy by your surrender, you are able to develop awareness. Awareness has to do with what you notice around and within you.

You walk through the gates of your sorrow, your despair, to reach your passions and desires. You can look through the gate and focus your attention on the lushness you see on the other side and you may decide to walk through the gate.

Why do you do this – develop awareness? You decide to develop your awareness of all that is around and within you – all the glory, the beauty, the peace to be had – because you know we want to be in that space, that you can further your sobriety from the place of peace and awareness.

How do you get to awareness? You first surrender, then begin to notice the little things around you in your physical world. Pay keen attention to the flowers, the lushness of life, that abounds all around you. Again and again, bring your attention to what is right in front of you, and then to the feelings you have in your heart.

Once you have decided to walk through the gates of your fear and sorrow, your despair and worthlessness, this brings you the energy you need to focus on things around you, as we discussed above.

After noticing the physical world around you, then turn your attention inside, and notice all the things about yourself that are delightful, that make you the unique being that you are. Begin to show your appreciation for what makes you this divine and beautiful being.

When you look with awareness, you discover the possibilities for a different life, for a peaceful and sober life, and you may want this. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy… wanting more awareness, clearing the space for it, and seeing with clearer eyes and heart.

Are you able to get to that place of awareness where you can focus on your world, both outer and inner? What helps you get to that place? What hinders you? How can you do things differently to increase your awareness?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, how to find peace, inner awareness, inner peace, living sober, peace, self-awareness, Sober Living, sobriety

Fear of Sobriety – Part 2 of 3

June 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I spoke yesterday about some of the issues around fear of sobriety. I want to talk about two questions a little bit, that I had on my mind when it came to thinking about quitting drinking.

What will life look like now? How in the world can I live without alcohol in my life?

These questions came to me in response to an email I received last evening from a close friend. She read yesterday’s blog andraised the point that she had never thought that someone could be afraid of sobriety. My response to her was, ohhhh, yeah. It’s scary, at least it was for me.

The two questions above address the greatest fears I had about sobriety, so let me jump in. The first concern for me was “how can I live without alcohol in my life???” I mean, EVERYTHING I did in my marriage and soon after involved daily drinking, and drinking myself into oblivion at night for the past seven years. I could not fathom what I would do without liquor in my life. For 27 years, it had been a close companion.

But my emotional pain got the better of me in response to an unrequited love. I drank and cried over my devastation for two months, unable to care for myself. Something told me I would die if I didn’t quit. I had tried not to drink, but was not able to do that on my own. Now I was pushed over my edge to an all-time emotional bottom. So, I had no choice. I had to live with no alcohol in my life.

Besides, I’d been having sharp pain in the area of my liver for over a year. The point is, I knew I was done. Perhaps you can relate to that. What I discovered was that life without severe and debilitating hangovers was very pleasant. In future weeks and months and years of sobriety, I learned and gained freedom.

Was it easy? No. I had acute emotional problems for the first several years over that unrequited love. But I knew I loved the lack of hangovers and that I might die if I started again, so I hung in there. I also developed the willingness to stay sober, even if it got uncomfortable. And the result was the best and most rewarding work I have done in my life.

At any rate, what we’re here to do on this go-around of going through my book, is to relay to you what the process of getting and staying sober, becoming whole, has looked like for me.

This post is much longer than I wanted it to be, so I think I’ll answer the other question tomorrow. Come back for a discussion of “what will life look like after I quit?”

I want to wrap up by letting you know I feel as if I was promoting sobriety yesterday. That was not my intent. It’s just that I get so excited about what I have gained in my life as a result of it, that I get carried away sometimes. Please pardon any irritation my words may have caused.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, Sober Living, sobriety

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