The Art of Gentleness

Good morning and hello to each of you after a few days of silence. I have been flying to workshops during that time, so I apologize for the lack of posts. Today’s search term I resonated with was “the art of gentleness.” I think in our haste to get things done, we forget to show gentleness.

In fact, it is more that we forget, or get too busy, to “be” gentleness. It’s a state of being, gentleness is. It occurs when we are working from, operating from, our heart. It flows naturally when we are “in” our heart.

How do you get into that state of gentleness? Well, it starts with having a good feeling about yourself, holding yourself in your heart with good feelings. When you are feeling good about yourself, you can generally feel good about others, as well. When in this space, you feel softness for others, and you can express your gentleness through such acts as acknowledging another, complimenting someone, or offering comfort.

It all starts with a good feeling about yourself. To get to a good place when thinking about yourself, list out all your positive attributes, your positive qualities. Then, consider the past month and write down, list out, all the positive and kind things you did during that time period. Include the kindness you showed yourself. Let yourself “be” with those things you listed until you realize your goodness.

The thing about gentleness is that, often you can show it to another, but you don’t to yourself. Maybe you don’t think to offer yourself gentleness, or perhaps you feel you are not worthy of it. The anecdote to these two things is to first take the time to think about it, and resolve to think about it for yourself more often.

If you don’t offer yourself gentleness because you feel unworthy, stop. Offer yourself compassion for that wounded person you are, for in my belief, you must be wounded if you do not feel yourself worthy. We are each worthy. You are worthy simply because you are a human being on this earth. Look at your lists again of your positive traits and of all the good things you’ve done in the past month and allow yourself to consider your worthiness.

Once that settles within you, then feel some gentleness for yourself. Feel a soft spot in your heart for yourself. Remember to stop and do this several times a day until it becomes a habit. Calendar it if you must, just remember to do it. Soon, it will flow naturally.

How do you get to a space of gentleness? How do you express gentleness to yourself? Leave a comment and let us know.

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The Art of Gentleness

Good morning and happy almost-New-Year. My cat Izzy is walking back and forth in front of me, looking for pets, reaching out her paw, asking for more, so I pet her with great gentleness. She is so precious. She brightens my life.

This morning, I wanted to write about gentleness of heart, gentleness of spirit. I wanted to talk about gentleness to others as we interact with them and to ourselves as we grow and change. I feel light in my heart when I am gentle with others, when I treat them in a kind, serene and patient way.

The same goes for me when I treat myself with gentleness, with kindness, patience, and serenity. I am more gentle with others than I am with myself, as I forget a lot of the time to be patient with my progress, my attempts to learn, grow, and heal. Yet, when I show gentleness to myself, I progress further than when I am being unkind and impatient.

Bed of Gentleness

This is the image from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse is: “Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

How do I show gentleness to others? It truly is as simple as being kind and serene… patient with them. When I am in that space, I am quiet and assured in my heart, and that is reflected in my actions, my behavior, my words, and my tone of voice. I am relaxed and others, in turn, become more relaxed as well.

And how do I show gentleness to myself? I use a lot of self-talk with quiet, reassuring words that I am okay, that I am doing fine. I show myself kindness and patience, and I act in a serene manner. This leads to a gentler way to approach my thoughts, my behaviors, and my actions.

Do you treat others and yourself with gentleness? How does that feel for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Opening Your Heart in Sobriety

Good morning. One of the search terms, the one we’ll talk about today, is opening your heart and I added “in sobriety.” You will find, as your sobriety progresses, that your heart will open. But there are specific things you can do to help this to happen.

The photo to the right is one from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse that accompanies it is:

“We spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that may come to us. If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light. We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.”

So, how do you let down the barrier of your heart that you have erected to protect yourself?

First of all, if you approach yourself and others with gentleness, your heart will begin to open more. Next, kindness to others and yourself will help. Then, there is tolerance, which will add to your ability to open your heart in sobriety. Being tolerant of others’ differences, being tolerant of yourself and your foibles, will aid your journey to an open heart.

The most important thing, though, for allowing your heart to open is the practice of compassion – for yourself and for others. When you practice compassion, your heart softens. Sometimes, to get to compassion, it helps to do a self-appraisal, so you can discover the things you do that others do, to annoy you.

For example, you may get angry at others for something and when you do a self-appraisal, you may discover that you do the very same thing. Instead of continuing to blame the other, you can open your heart and see you both as wounded humans, and accept the foibles you are both demonstrating.

In sobriety, these steps will aid you to open your heart. And certainly, you do not have to be practicing sobriety to do these things.

How do you open your heart? Let us know what you have learned in sobriety that allows you to open your heart by leaving a comment.

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Be Gentle with Yourself in Sobriety

Bed of Gentleness

Be gentle with yourself as you move forward in your sobriety. This is so very important, so listen… :)  We get so mired in beating ourselves up and criticizing ourselves, that we are beaten down before we even start. 

This is so self-defeating. It does nothing except put a damper on our sobriety. It makes us wrong, rather than human. Instead, be as gentle as a bed of ivy…

This is especially true for our work with our performance appraisal. As we look at our shortcomings, we want to be especially gentle with ourselves. I’m not saying we excuse ourselves from our bad behavior, but we can still be gentle with ourselves while we become responsible for ourselves.

We also need to be gentle with others, just as we are with ourselves. Be like that bed of ivy – soft, caressing, swaying in the breeze.

Remember to treat others as we would like to be treated and don’t forget to be gentle with yourself! This is necessary on our path to peace…

Today, practice being gentle to yourself and see how that feels.

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Show Gentleness to Yourself as You Heal and Grow

Bed of Gentleness

There is nothing quite like showing yourself gentleness to speed along your healing and growth processes.

It will go a long way toward helping you to overcome the desire to beat yourself up, or to criticize yourself, not only during the appraisal portion of your journey, but throughout your journey.

Cut yourself some slack. I’m not advocating you pat yourself on the back for unkind and uncaring behaviors, but I am saying to allow yourself to be human with failings.

The thing about your failings, your short-comings is that you can choose to change them into victories, lessons to learn.

I am advocating you take a long, hard, honest look at yourself, using humility to do so. And I am advocating that you show yourself gentleness as you do that looking. Beating yourself up is counter-productive.

Feeling regret or remorse over some action, words, or behavior? Be gentle; recognize that you did the best you could at the time. If you’d have known better, you would have done better.

Now you have the opportunity to change anything you did that you don’t like, or, at the very least, to get some peace from your regrets. Be gentle with yourself as you go about making those changes.

Allow yourself to slowly and gently reveal yourself to yourself and others. Showing gentleness to yourself and others is paramount as you continue on your journey to living your dream and finding peace. 

 

 

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Getting Past Hopelessness

This morning we continue on in my book and reach hope. We have now experienced ways for getting past hopelessness.

Ray of Hope

Ray of Hope

“A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.” This is the verse that accompanies the photo on the left.

Hopelessness is defined as having no expectation of an event occurring, being despondent. Despondent implies being in very low spirits due to a loss of hope and a sense of futility about continuing our efforts.

Hope, on the other hand, is defined as a feeling that what is wanted will happen, a desire accompanied by expectation. It is hope which we want to cultivate in order to dispel hopelessness.

We have come a long way in our journey and have learned several tools and ways to act and behave that will be useful in combatting hopelessness. We have learned to surrender the pretense that everything is fine with us and we have discussed awakening to awareness of what is going on around and within us.

We have learned to trust in a power greater than ourselves, and to have courage and humility. Ways to treat ourselves with such things as gentleness, kindness, and compassion have been discussed.

We have become honest about ourselves and heave learned to practice willingness, to commit to the journey, to move forward. Finally, we have learned the tremendous tool of how to conduct a self-appraisal. Through that appraisal, we have come to forgiveness of both others and ourselves. Do you see how far we’ve come?

Now, after going through what we have, we have learned to accept ourselves. All of these things in combination provide for us a ray of hope that life can and will get better for us. Hopefully, it already has begun to do so.

We focus on that ray of hope as we work on getting past hopelessness, allowing hope to grow. We take a deep breath, reveling in this new-found hope, and we allow it to blossom.

Today, take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come, and begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the way past hopelessness to sobriety and inner peace.

 

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Treating Ourselves with Gentleness

As we move forward in the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, our next topic is gentleness. Remember, we are trying to stay sober and are working our way to inner peace. Gentleness is very important as we work toward these goals.

Bed of Gentleness

Bed of Gentleness

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

What do I mean by gentleness? I mean we do not beat ourselves up or reproach ourselves for what we find when we do our self performance appraisal. Instead, we see ourselves as human beings who are fallible, who have a dark side.

Gentleness is not an excuse to pardon our hurtful words and actions, however, and, as discussed yesterday, we make amends to those we have hurt. That includes making amends to ourselves.

Instead, we talk gently to ourselves, with kind and understanding words. Once we are able to do this, our gentleness will spill over into our dealings with others, and we will be gentle with them as well.

When we are gentle, we will find ourselves able to look at our emotional pain in a different light. We will be less inclined to blame ourselves or others, perhaps, because we are looking with eyes that are not as harsh.

Take some time today and reflect upon how you speak to yourself and others. Ask yourself if your words and actions are filled with gentleness. If they are not, then try to adopt that task for the day. I think you will find it easier to look at yourself when you are gentle.

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Have You Found Inner Peace?

Promise of Peace brings us to the conclusion of the book. And I quietly wonder if you have found inner peace, any at all, by going through the book with me this last 42 or so days. I really hope you have…

Promise of Peace

Promise of Peace

Peace. How do you know peace when it finds you? For me, it is the all-inclusion of everything we have been talking about into my senses, seeing with the eyes of my heart, and feeling a great deal of love for all beings on this Earth.

It is promised to us, if we go through the process that is defined in my book, because in doing so, we learn to love deeply. There is no desire to be in conflict with others.  When really in-tune, that includes inner conflict as well.

Does that mean we go through life in this glow? Hardly. That doesn’t happen because we’re human beings and, as such, are a caring and feeling species. Given the ever-constant changes in our lives from day-to-day, and the fact that we react with feelings and emotions, we slip temporarily from that space of centeredness and peace. 

So, what is there to do when this happens? Lament the loss of our peaceful existence. even if it was only for five minutes? No, we merely start in by looking at the situation, feeling our feelings, examining our response to situations that have arisen.

Case in point, I am in the middle of something which has the potential to affect how I conduct my life in the future, and I was stunned to realize I was playing the victim role! Wow! I thought I was past that, but it showed up very subtly. So, I am in the process of doing more self-appraising to see what is going on with me that puts me in that mindset.

At the same time, I am feeding myself positive affirmations. These tasks equate to ” taking action,” as we discussed in previous posts. Slowly, I am becoming able to see glimpses of my terror over how this new information could affect my future. How much will I get out from behind that terror to affect my own future? That is the key.

We can affect our own future by the actions we take today, in this moment. What do we do with the fear? We can recognize and feel it, acknowledge that it exists,  then walk away from it and take action, and, as needed, allow a glimpse of it again later.

We repeat this again and again until our fear subsides. I believe these issues get raised for us, so that we can take a look at core beliefs, and to heal from the destructive ones. While we do this, we remember to be gentle, kind, and tolerant with ourselves and the others around us.  And the result is, we find our center again. We find that peace again.

We even can go to it among the turmoil by distracting ourselves with a favored and cherished activity, one in which you get lost. Your peace will return as a reprieve for what you will again visit to sort out. That’s how it works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too.

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Improving Your Communication Skills

Invitation of Dialogue

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

Such is the verse for our topic today, improving your communication skills.

Let me be clear about the fact that I am not a communications expert, but I do observe people and their communication, and I do know what prevents me from communicating with others.

What I observe is a lot of bickering, bullying, and putting others down. Why do we do that to each other? Why can we not speak with gentleness and kindness to others?

I think of the reasons that I do not communicate well to another and it is usually when I am feeling low, or “less than” about myself, or when I am very shy. I retreat inside, unable to come out and participate in dialogue.

I am talking about the kind of dialogue where each party is free to express their feelings or thoughts without fear of ridicule or belittlement. How can we, as listeners, be active participants?

First of all, we can show respect for another as they are talking to us, remembering that each person is unique and worthy of our respect. Remember, we are focusing on cultivating differences between us and others.

Secondly, we can show tolerance for that person, allowing them to have their own opinion, even if it differs from ours. Remember, just because they say something of worth, it does not detract from our value.

Third, we can show kindness and gentleness as we set about talking to others. Remember, we each just want to be acknowledged for who and what we are, so we can pay attention to those around us.

Fourth, have compassion for another as they trudge with purpose through their life. Remember, show ourselves compassion also, for the frightened people we may be when it comes to approaching others and talking.

With respect, tolerance, kindness, gentleness, and compassion, we can engage in dialogue with others, allowing ourselves to show that tender side of ourselves. When we practice these things, we can also listen well, which is the other part of communication. Remember, listen to what others are saying and hear with your heart.

How do you engage in communication with others? Do you need a brush-up on your communication skills? Do you do all the talking, or do you allow room for others to talk? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

 

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Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full?

This morning, I had the opportunity to reflect upon whether my glass is half empty or half full. Here’s what happened. Oh. First, let me explain that I am deviating from the topics in the book for my second post yesterday and today’s post… I will resume the book topics tomorrow.

Yesterday’s second post was an exercise in a blogging class I was taking, and this morning’s is something that came to mind. I was sitting on my enclosed-in porch, as is my wont to do in the morning, drinking coffee and watching the sun rise, playing shadows of bushes upon the house next to mine.

I was taking the opportunity to reflect upon the blogging class I took this past weekend. Specifically, I was thinking about how I rated the class with a thumbs-up of 8, instead of a full thumbs-up of 10. When asked by the presenters why that rating and not a 10, I replied that I already knew much of the information that was presented.

Glass Half Empty of Half FullIt’s interesting I responded in that way, as a lot of what I DID learn was new to me, and very valuable. I was rudely awakened to the fact that I looked at the experience as my glass half empty, instead of half full. Embarrassing to admit, but a valuable lesson for me to examine further, so I thought it beneficial to share it with you.

I was modeled the attitude of judgment about everything and everyone when I was growing up, and the judgment was always negative. I don’t say this to give an excuse, but to allow you to see where my default mode came from. It’s simply a fact.

So, when asked about my thoughts about the class, they automatically went to my glass being half empty, rather then half full. Darn! And I thought I had outgrown that! I certainly have worked on changing that perception over the years.

I believe this experience came up to show me how I still need to work on this issue of the glass half empty or half full. It gives me an opportunity to treat myself with gentleness and tolerance, rather than beat myself up about where I initially went… to the glass half empty.

Additionally, I get the chance to practice perseverance in changing my default to the glass half full.  Life is all about practice, after all… We can turn the other way and become defensive or intimidating about the way in which we see the world as half empty, or we can gently examine ourselves, ferreting out our negative responses when a positive one is just as easy to do.

How do you view the world? Is your glass half empty or half full? Do you have to remind yourself of this, or is your glass always half full? Do you view the world with a positive outlook?

 

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Offer Acknowledgment to Others and Bring Peace to You Both

Perhaps the biggest service you can provide is to offer acknowledgment to others, and to yourself.

Acknowledgement of others

Acknowledgment of Others

“It is a never-ending circle of acknowledgment – of each other, and of ourselves.”

“We go within so we can reach out to others and we reach out to others so we can go within.”

We just need to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves.”

“We do not need to do this alone. We need to help each other.”

Such is the verse that goes with this photograph. The photo shows how it’s never-ending, always repeating. Our backs are curled away from another, so we can reach within to gather strength to give to others.

Then, we are curled toward another, so we can offer acknowledgment to the other, letting them know that we see their value as a human being. In so doing, we feel good inside, feel good about ourselves.

Acknowledgment to another is as simple as you offering a smile, a nod of the head. We all just want to be noticed by you, as the verse says. It is so simple, so easy, and when you do it, it promotes peace in the world around you. It makes you feel good inside.

To offer acknowledgment to ourselves, to yourself, is more difficult sometimes. For example, you may not give acknowledgment to your feelings, especially ones of hurt. You tell yourself to “get over it,” instead of holding yourself tenderly and gently, showing yourself compassion.

When you do these things for yourself, that’s when you really get over it, because your soul is comforted and it can heal from hurts. To acknowledge your hurts is to show your soul that you, too, matter as a human being.

Perhaps it is fear which prevents you from acknowledging another. Or guilt. In the case of a homeless person on the corner, you may not wish to offer money. So you look away, you avoid eye contact. But that says to them that they are not of value to you.

Perhaps they are not, and yet, they are a fellow human being, just trying to make it through. A smile will brighten up their day. When you offer that acknowledgment to them, you will feel your heart swell with goodness.

In similar fashion, when you offer acknowledgment to your feelings, your heart swells with goodness. You feel you matter to yourself, that you are important. 

Go into your day and offer acknowledgment to others and to yourself, and feel the peace it brings you. Feel that goodness in your heart. Then, go within yourself to gather strength and gentleness to do it again, for the next person that you encounter. Tell me, doesn’t doing these things feel good inside; don’t you feel peace? 

 

 

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Inspirational Quotes About Life and Gentleness

Today I am going to give you what I hope to be inspirational quotes about life that you can use when it comes to being gentle. It is from the book and gentleness is the next topic.

Bed of Gentleness

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

I believe one of the best things you can do for yourself while you are changing and traveling on your journey is to be gentle with yourself. It does no good to beat yourself up and it affects your spirit and soul adversely.

I used to say to myself “I should…” a lot. I should have done this, I should have done that. Over time, I have discovered that “should” is a shaming word and makes me feel ashamed of myself every time I say it. When I say it to someone else, it only shames them.

Instead, I have consciously, over time, replaced the word “should” with “could,” or “would.” I could have done this, I wish I would have done that… See the difference and how you feel it in your gut?

This is one major way you can be more gentle with yourself. Another way is to see yourself with compassion for your actions and desires to have done something differently. After all, you do the best that you know how at each given moment. If you would have known a better way, you would have done it differently.

I think when you talk to yourself with gentleness, it flows out into the world and you begin to talk to others and treat them with more gentleness, also. Encourage yourself, praise yourself for a job well done, do anything but beat yourself up. Remember, you can always apologize for something you did that was hurtful to another.

Try treating yourself with more gentleness and see how that feels for you. Learn to stop using the “should” word, and see if you feel more gentleness for yourself.

I hope this post presented some inspirational quotes about life and gentleness that you can use to your benefit. Have a good day.

 

 

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How to Find Peace with an Open Heart

As we move along in the book, one topic at a time, we come to how to find peace with an open heart. In the book, it’s called Openness of Heart.

Openness of Heart

The verse talks about how we go through life with a heart that is closed to life’s pains to protect our heart. The verse continues with, “If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light.”

“We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.” And we – you – find peace.

Along with an open heart comes an open mind. You must develop an open heart and an open mind to find peace.

How does this work? How do you come to have an open heart and mind?

You make a choice and you decide to see things in a different light. You decide to see the world and the people around you with more kindness, gentleness, and tolerance.

You begin to delight in people and their differences by opening your heart to them. Perfect example… Last weekend I was in a holiday craft show at the mobile home park where I live. The woman across the aisle from me had a table with lots of stuffed bears, around which she had placed small scarves she had knitted. There were other objects, as well.

Now, I’m not much iinto stuffed bears and the like, but I decided to look upon the wares at her table, and to notice her and them with an open heart. What I had the gift to observe was this woman, lovingly placing these scarves around the bears’ necks, then arranging and rearranging the bears and other items on her table.

The expression on her face was one of pure focus, pure love, and I was able to be a witness to that, simply by opening my heart to her and her product. It was priceless to watch her… My heart soared.

When you close your heart and mind to others, you miss out on priceless moments such as these. In fact, you miss out on peace in your soul. So, how do you find peace with an open heart and mind?

As I said, you make the decision to see with eyes of gentleness. You consciously decide you will be open-minded about what you encounter, that you will delight in someone’s differences. You consciously decide to not be fearful of their differences. Then, you view another with the eyes of the soul, viewing them as another child of the Universe, just like you.

You allow them to be different and praise the differences in them, knowing that the differences you witness add great richness to your life. You recognize that, to some, you and your expression of who you are will seem strange, and you smile at yourself when you think this, allowing you to be yourself with your strange habits. When you can do these things, you will experience peace of mind and openness of heart.

How do you open your heart, your mind, or, do you go about life with your heart and mind closed? Wouldn’t you like to experience seeing life with the eyes of your soul, being more gentle, kind, and tolerant? Try it. You’ll enjoy the feeling.

 

 

 

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Inspirational Sayings About Overcoming Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Overcoming insecurity and low-self esteem is a process. It takes conscious, focused, and consistent attention, especially if we have an extra-low esteem or very high insecurity. I believe the answer lies in learning to accept ourselves, just as we are. Hence, the title of the photo on the right, which is Acceptance of Self.

First, we need to be aware of how we currently see ourselves. We can ask ourselves questions about our esteem, our confidence. If we think of ourselves as “less than” others, then we are dealing with a low self-esteem and insecurity. We accept that and give compassion and soothing to ourselves. We treat ourselves with gentleness as we explore these feelings.

We understand that we are human and we embrace that. Not as an excuse for poor behavior, actions, or thoughts, but, instead, to allow ourselves to make mistakes, to be human, to have failings.

When we have erred, we can examine the situation and our part in it. Then we can apologize to the other, or ourselves, and we change our behavior. This action is our responsibility and, when performed, helps us feel better about ourselves, merely because we are being responsible for things we did that we didn’t like.

Another way to boost our esteem and lessen our insecurities is to do things for others. Sometimes, that’s as simple as smiling at someone as we pass, saying hello. It could be offering help to one in need, whether a stranger or someone we know. We take responsibility for being useful to others. This works well to increase esteem. It is said that if you want esteem, do esteem-able acts.

These are the things I have done that have allowed me to better my self-image and esteem, both of which were shattered when I came to sobriety. It has taken years, and I committed to the process which I have outlined. The result was tested last week in Allen, Texas, while at a signing event for my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

I was well-received and people were giving me compliments right and left. In days before I felt comfortable with myself and who I am, I would have pushed away those words, discounted them, with sarcastic or humorous responses to another’s compliment. Now that I feel positive regard for myself, I was able to humbly accept what was coming my way, taking it in with gratitude and joy, knowiing that my message of hope had been heard. That made me feel good about myself, which, in turn, lowered my insecurity.

If you are dealing with overcoming insecurity and low self-esteem, try what I have described. You may find it helpful. Just remember that it is a process, one which takes time and persistence. I wish you well.

 

 

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Can You Look at Yourself with Gentleness

Todays’ topic is gentleness, which is reflected in this photo titled  Bed of Gentleness, as in bed of ivy. This appears in the book right after Search of Self for a very specific reason.

It has been my experience that when we look at ourselves, do a personal inventory, we often then turn around and beat ourselves up for who we are, for what we said or did, or for mistakes we have made.

That response is incompatible with and defeats what we find when we do that self-appraisal. For example, we identify the areas which could use some improvement. If we are doing a comprehensive inventory, we will have also uncovered many good things about ourselves as well. So, when we beat ourselves up or have remorse about ourselves, our behaviors, we are negating our positive side.

Rather, we might  look upon ourselves with some tender and gentle thoughts. In my experience, when I do this, it leads me to compassion because I recognize my humanness. When we see with compassion, we can smile and soothe ourselves. And, it just automatically translates into gentleness. Once we are gentle with ourselves as we learn, grow, and heal, we can be gentle with others, and isn’t that the name of the game?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author, photographer, and publisher of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Using photographs of wrought-iron gates and uplifting prose, this book chronicles Carolyn’s own personal healing journey that occurred in sobriety, from the depths of despair and praying to die, to joy and inner peace. The book is available on this site, or through Amazon. Additionally, the bookstores which carry the book are listed on this site.

Also on this site is one selected image each month to be printed as a limited edition. This can be ordered as a print, a matted print, or matted and framed.

 

 

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How to Deal With Self-Doubt

Shadows of Doubt

I am mired again in the shadows of my dount, my fear.

I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.

When we doubt ourselves, our actions, and our beliefs about who we are, we erode our self-esteem, our self-confidence, and our very soul. If we know that doubting ourselves leads to these things, why do we do it?

Perhaps it is a reflection, an indicator, of our state of self-worth, our value to self and to the world. With low esteem and confidence levels, we are not stable enough, not strong enough, in who we are to ward off self-doubt. It erodes our very being even further. We question everything we do, perhaps always looking to others for validation rather than to ourselves, or to a power greater than ourselves.

How do we conquer this, this insidious doubt?  Perhaps it begins with a self-appraisal in which we identity the ways in which we doubt ourselves. If we can identify that, we then have a change to correct or change it. In doing the self-searching, it is necessary to be really honest with ourselves, to admit that the way we fell about ourselves is not honest. For if we were honest, we would see that we are delightful beings, fine just the way we are. We are enough as we are.

If, however, we see that we are doubting ourselves inappropriately, we can make the choice to change our beliefs. How do we do this? By recognizing and admitting each time we doubt, and examining if it is true. When we admit the doubt is false, then we consciously make the choice to change that doubt into a positive statement or affirmation about ourselves. Over time, with diligence, we begin to see our doubts diminish and our esteem and confidence rise. We begin to accept ourselves as we are, making changes when we feel it’s necessary. In this process, it is important to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves.

How do you deal with doubt when it arises? Do you see this method as being useful?

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Living In Grace

Sweep of Grace

sweep of grace“Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

Ah, grace. That gentle favor, that cloak of sweetness that appears through no other action than by loving myself and others. The more I live in this space, the more grace is bestowed.

It is unplanned, unexpected and, so, all the more sweet when it occurs. Webster defines grace as that which is good and proper, decency, what is thoughtful toward others.

I like that last definition… that which is thoughtful to others. So, grace can come to me and it can come through me to another. Grace slows me down, urges me to look at myself and others with gentle and endearing eyes. Such a pleasing and peaceful thought.

In thinking about when I have experienced grace, I am reminded of all the times I have been given kind and gracious words to say to another, when my first thought was for myself. Grace allows me to get out of myself.

May you smile gently as you receive grace in your life, as you pass it on to others.

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Self Improvement Through Self Acceptance

Acceptance of Self

self“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws and our spirit?”

I saw this gate and immediately saw a little being with his arms in the air, celebrating his personhood. It made we wonder if people celebrated themselves… Behind celebration, perhaps, comes acceptance. We accept ourselves before we can celebrate who we are.

If you are like me and have a lot of negative self-talk, it is difficult to find self-acceptance. That, at least, has been my experience. Today, I am able to accept who I am. Even with my human failings, I am able to smile at myself with compassion. How did this come to be?

Once sober, I did a self-appraisal, an inventory, if you will.  On it, I listed all of my negative traits.I listed my fears, my grievances and sorrows about my behaviors and myself. Someone had to remind me to include the positive points about myself. I found that quite difficult, but I followed their advice.

It took me years to believe the positive things I had written about myself, really believe them with my heart. It also took years to stop talking down to myself about my failings. It was a process that evolved  over time, one in which I struggled to be honest with myself about who I am. I was ashamed about my foibles and my humanness; I felt it conceited to think well of myself.

I’m not sure what changed over the years that has led me to accept who I am, to celebrate my being. I do know I have continued to pray to the powers that be to remove my negative self-image. In response, I seem to have been guided to develop compassion for myself. This has led me to accept who I am without shame. It has also allowed me to like many things about myself without feeling I am being conceited by doing so. In fact, I find it necessary to have a good foundation of love of self before I can truly love others.

We come to acceptance of self perhaps over time, depending upon one’s wounds. With time and some sprinkling of compassion and gentleness, we can find that delightful being we have always been.

How do you find acceptance for yourself? Is that something that has come naturally for you, or do you struggle with it?


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Learn to Live with Gentleness

bed of gentle“Bed of Gentleness”

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

I was prompted to write this as a plea to myself and others during the time I was doing my self-searching. I began to notice the harshness of the people around me. At the grocery store, for example,  I noticed parents speaking to their children roughly, with nasty words. No gentleness. I noticed wives, speaking to their husbands with disdain. No gentleness.

Although I was able to identify a lack of gentleness in interactions around me, it took me several years into sobriety to see that I was treating myself the very same way that the parent treated their child in the grocery store – harshly, with nasty words. I was able to see the lack of gentleness “out there,” but not “in here.”

I began to notice that the way I treated myself slowed down my healing and growing processes. If I’m healing from something which wounded me, for example, being harsh with or belittling myself, etc., does not help me as I try to heal from the original wound. That is just heaping more abuse upon the experience, which hinders the healing process.

If I talk to myself gently, however, it promotes the learning and growing. I feel more safe inside myself. I have recently learned to speak gently from within. It took much practice. I had to consciously think about it, remind myself, catch the times I was talking badly to myself. Over time, good self-talk is gradually replacing bad.

Why all this talk of myself? Isn’t that just a bit self-absorbed? Ah, but you see, I have found on my journey that the more gentle I am with myself, the more gentle I am with you. The more I love myself, the more I can love you. Isn’t that what this is all about, after all?

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