Developing Tolerance For Ourselves and Others

August 13, 2011 by 2 Comments

 

Good morning. I find it interesting that, having blogged about judgment, other experiences happened that got me to look at the way I judge things. It’s as if it shows up everywhere as a means to look at my thoughts and judgments, and to heal from them, to ask for help to correct them.

For example, after my last blog, I was on hold on the phone for a long time and there was music playing. I noticed that I was judging it… “this is too chaotic and irritating,” or, “this is mellow and soothing.” It was that continual litany of judgments I referred to in my last post. I do this when I am around people, also. A continual assessment of what I like or dislike. Do you do this?

Practice of Tolerance

At first I was appalled, and then I had to smile, realizing that I can just notice my thoughts and say to myself that I don’t wish to be so judgmental. I have to, actually choose to, look at myself with tolerance. And that is today’s topic… tolerance. Certainly, I am a supporter of being tolerant of others, and especially of their differences, but I wish to focus on tolerance for ourselves.

There has to be a distinction between tolerance for bad behavior, i.e. hurting another or ourselves, and I don’t think we should tolerate that. But we can still look at bad behavior and say to ourselves we no longer wish to do that, and then ask for help from Source to dispel it.

I’m referring to just sitting with our thoughts and tolerating them, bringing ourselves to awareness for having negative thoughts, rather than beating ourselves up. I don’t think that solves anything other than making us feel badly about ourselves.

So the next time you find you are having thoughts or acting in a manner that disturbs you, take a minute to just reflect upon it, and offer yourself tolerance. Not excuses… just tolerance. Then ask for help to change that from the source that guides you, and see what happens.

 

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Absence of Moral Judgment

August 6, 2011 by Leave a Comment

 

Why do we judge people so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others? Is it because we are afraid of them and their differences, and/or is it because we’re not feeliing okay about ourselves?

As it turns out, I am grateful to have become an alcoholic, because I was forced to learn how to assess myself pretty honestly. I did not feel good about myself. Lots of assessment and healing later, I began to see how my negative thoughts about others were very morally judgmental, in response to my fear and esteem issues.

It was through the process of self-appraisal that, as I began to feel better about who I was and took responsibility for my thoughts, the less I handed out moral judgment, the less I denigrated their soul. So maybe the more we love ourselves, the less we judge others negatively.

Absence of Judgment

I notice a whole litany of judgments running through my mind at any given moment, always judging another, as well as myself. First, I see myself noticing things about people and then judging them as safe to be around.

That is inate in all of us. It part of the automatic fight or flight mechanism – to continually assess our situation so we keep ourselves safe. We just do this, it just happens. It’s unconscious much of the time.

Yet, for me, the judgment takes on a tone of morality, sometimes indignantly, because I’ve continued my assessment, which includes deciding whether someone is good or bad.

By having these thoughts about someone, do I not set up an energy that they can feel on a soul level and it denigrates them as a person? In sobriety, I decided I wanted to stop denigrating people in my mind.

Initially, it was a conscious thought to go to that place where I said to myself, “Isn’t that interesting what that person thinks or is doing?” and leave it at that.

***** This only applies, of course, when the person is not being harmful to himself or others. That’s a whole other discussion…

Now I more automatically notice when I am judging someone, and this allows me to stop doing it. I find myself really enjoying what that person has to offer.

I have experienced the most beautiful moments with people whom I used to judge as bad. What an awesome discovery that was, and continues to be, as a result of my attempts at learning to lessen and negate my moral judgment.

Wow. What a long way to peace that would go if, once assessing that we’re safe, we stopped with our moral judgment of others. Would it be a world  filled with more happiness and the experience of more wondrous moments?

And if we stopped with the moral judgment of ourselves, would we each experience more happiness within, leading to our inner peace?

 

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The Process of Forgiveness

April 27, 2011 by 6 Comments

Thank you, Sherry Gaba, for your wonderful post. We had a lot of veiwers reading it.

Today, I wish to continue with the topics in the book, which brings us to forgiveness. This photo is entitled Tiers of Forgiveness, because, in my experience, forgiving is a process that occurs over time, in layers. It could be referred to as the process of forgiveness.

Sherry’s post is a good lead-in to forgiveness, as the ability to forgive is an ideal end- point when we deal with resentment. When we have identified the object of our resentment and have worked through it, we are ready to gain peace through forgiveness – peace with ourselves and, hopefully, peace with the other person(s). There is great freedom in forgiveness.

So, we have identified the person with whom we have a resentment, and we begin the process of looking at ourselves – our behavior and actions, our words and thoughts, and we accept responsibility for these. By that, I mean we hold ourselves accountable, make any amends necessary, which includes to ourselves, if we have treated ourselves badly. We “own up” to our bad behavior and compliment ourselves on the good.

It has been my experience that when I do such an appraisal, I see that, often, I have done the very thing for which I am angry at another. How can I be angry at someone, when I have done the very thing that brings me anger? I soften, recognizing our humanness, our woundedness, and I feel compassion, both for myself and the person I resented. Suddenly, the resentment has diminished. Done over time, this method is the process of forgiveness and can lead to peace. At least, that is what I have experienced.

Deciding to forgive is is a difficult decision to make. For me, it meant backing down from that stance which allowed me to be self-righteous, and, frankly, to play the victim. I believe I played that role in an effort to hurt and perhaps punish, the person I felt had wronged me. I find that I no longer need that role, and, again, life has been freer, and I have enjoyed a closer relationship with those I forgave.

If you went through the process of forgiveness, what improvements have you seen in your relations with others? Have you experienced peace as a result of forgiveness?

 

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The Key of Willingness

February 17, 2011 by 3 Comments

Key of Willingness

Willingness. The key of willingness. It is the key to all else. It allows us to practice humility, openness of heart and mind, as well as honesty. It is how one gives themselves the permission to open up to all that is around and in them.

When I feel willing, I feel it in my body. There is a light, airy feeling at my core. Emotionally, I am excited to hear what another will say. I feel relief at being honest with myself and others around me, so I don’t spend the energy hiding who I am. I feel at home, as my heart opens. All I have to do is make the decision to be willing.

Once I make the decision to be willing, the other things just seem to fall into place. I learned to be willing during the course of becoming sober. Initially, I had to be willing to go to any length to get sober. I was so beaten down, that was not hard to decide to do. After making the decision, I seemed to be graced with the ability to become humble, honest and open. A whole new world of beauty and peace unfolded.

Make the decision to become willing to open your mind and heart to one new thing today. What did you experience when you did this?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. More about the book can be seen above under “The Book,”  or in the videos on the sidebar. “About Me and My Work” above reveals more about her. Carolyn is now offering limited edition professional prints, either as prints, matted, or framed which can be viewed above. February’s limited edition print isVisions of Gratitude.

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Courage to Change

January 27, 2011 by 3 Comments

Spaces of Courage

It has been a long week of discouragement, and this morning, I popped awake, filled with hope and energy. I do not know why the change, and I am not questioning it; I am just being grateful and am acting upon it.

In the book, the prose that accompanies this image speaks of how we act with our pain: we repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right. I, for one, did all those things. In sobriety, I learned a different way, a way of finding courage to turn to a higher power. That is what the prose in the book talks about… turning to that power for comfort and relief from emotional pain and turmoil, and finding the courage to do so.

It is this courage of which I wrote to which I turned during my days of discouragement and inability to act. It takes courage to face our emotional pain, to take it out and look at it, to feel it. It takes courage to turn our pain over to a higher power, letting go of it in order that we may be helped to find relief. In these past few days, it is that courage to which I turned, in which I reveled.

Persevering with courage has led me to relief. How do you get relief from emotional pain? Do you call upon courage to change?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. This book chronicles her journey in recovery from the depths of despair to joy and inner peace. The book can be purchased on this website. In addition, Carolyn will soon announce her newest line… limited edition photographs of images from the book, in print, matted print, and matted/framed print form. Watch this site for details.

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Happiness Is A Choice – Part 2

November 21, 2010 by Leave a Comment

I missed the tomorrow to which I referred in my last post, and now it is today. A good day for explanation.

I wonder if we, after experiencing any situation in which we are the object of abuse or trauma, are relagated to playing the victim for our lifetime. It has been my experience that that is not necessary. What I have found as necessary is taking responsibility for my inner world and that means looking at it -learning about the affects trauma xyz victims experience, and trying to find ways to heal from it all.

What was necessary for me was to heal the wounds of hurt, betrayal, and anger from the original trauma. This was quite difficult to feel, but it became very necessary as part of my becoming sober. I did a lot of reading – Claudia Black was best for me: there’s also John Bradshaw, Alice Miller.

From these people were suggestions about how to recover. I followed their suggestions, continued with my sobriety, and sought counseling. I wrote voraciously about my feelings. It was still all blaming until I looked at how I had treated my ex-husband. Now there’s where I saw that I was repeating behaviors I had endured earlier in life. I was doing the very thing that had been done to me.

Ah, a golden nugget of information. With that information came the realization that I said those things because I felt horrible about myself; perhaps the perpetrators years ago had felt badly about themselves, also. It didn’t excuse the behavior and actions, yet it allowed me to have compassion for them, for us both. From that compassion sprang forgiveness, given more time.

After forgiveness, came the ability to be happy and peaceful within. That has led to great joy for me. And the key was for me to take responsibility for my interior world.

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Do You Have Trouble Accepting What Is?

November 2, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Path of Acceptance

Accepting what is… do you resist it, fight against it? I did for most of my life. It’s only been in sobriety, and years of it, that I have learned to accept life on life’s terms. And I now accept things peacefully, without angst. My energy is then free to take any action I need to take.

There is a different quality between accepting what is and resigning one’s self to a situation. The latter has the makings of despair, hopelessness, and powerlessness. It is fraught with emotion, while the former allows peace of mind to prevail. It allows one to do some soul-searching, determining one’s part in an affair.

When we accept what is, we are opening ourselves up to grace. We are opening ourselves up to change, perhaps. It can be exciting, bringing opportunity that wouldn’t exist otherwise. When we accept something exactly the way it is, it gives us the power to look at any action that may be needed and it allows us presence of mind to take that action.

We demonstrate trust and faith as we realize things are just as they are intended to be at any given moment. This brings us peace. Only when we accept what is does the way become clear to make change. And, it is less tiring when we accept.

Does acceptance mean we like something? No, not necessarily. We can be vehemently opposed to something, yet, we recognize it as being “what is” in the moment. Then we can work with it.

In what ways do you resist accepting “what is” in your life?

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Author statement: It is my intent in bringing you this blog, to acquaint you with the topics in my book. I present them in the blog in the same order in which they appear in the book. The sequence of topics reflects my own healing journey in sobriety, from deep despair and feeling worthless, to joy and peace. I hope you find in these pages that which you seek.

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Feeling Hopelessness Change to Hope

March 12, 2010 by 5 Comments

Ray of Hope

ray of hope“A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.”

Hope- An expectation that a desire will be fulfilled. A wish, a dream, a thought, an idea, a creative concept, a prayer, a gratitude for that which has not yet happened. In sobriety, I developed such a habit that delivered me to better understand myself as a new being, unfettered by the chains of continual self-doubt manifested by my drinking. I became a new, positive being that integrated hope in my life as a necessary component…

Hope is faith in Source, or God, the expectation that He exists and cherishes my existence as much as I cherish His. Hope is that which allows me to fulfill the desire to create and allows God to guide my path along the way. Hope is waking up in the morning, stretching to see the dawn of day and having the expectation that God will fulfill the day with His presence around me.

It was not always this way for me. For many years into sobriety, I dealt with despair, sorrow, and hopelessness. It got to the point that I prayed to die, as I could not stand the pain any longer. Then one day, everything changed.

I was talking to a man, sober for 10 years, who was distraught over old childhood issues. He described feelings similar to those with which I had been dealing, feelings for which I had been doing a lot of healing work by reading and undergoing therapy. I relayed to him all that I had learned in my search for peace of mind.

He was so appreciative that he cried. I was humbled that my information had been useful to him. As I left and walked to my car, I was overwhelmed and began to cry. I began to realize that perhaps all of the experiences in my life with which I had struggled have been for the purpose of helping another heal from their wounds.

I began to feel that all the experiences of pain that I had endured were for the purpose of me healing and then for sharing how I have healed with those who approach me. In essence, it became about me telling my story. In an instant, I had hope about my life’s purpose and about myself. There was a reason for my pain. I asked God to ignore my prayers to die. Since that day, I have been telling my story in the hopes that it will be useful to another. That is one of the things which prompted this blog. Since that experience, I have been graced with hope every day.

How do you experience hope in your life? Or, are you dealing with hopelessness. I welcome your thoughts.

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How to Gain Compassion

February 20, 2010 by 8 Comments

Fields of Compassion

fields of compassionmeAfter living sober for a while, I was able to develop compassion, both for others and for myself. This compassion eventually led me to forgiveness. There were two things I learned that allowed me to develop compassion.

First, I realized that everyone does the best they can at any given moment with the tools that they have. It softened my heart when I learned this.

Second, I noticed upon inventory of myself that I did the very same things that annoyed me when others did them. I was getting angry about these things. It made me smile when I realized that we’re not so different after all.

After realizing these things, I became able to begin the forgiveness process.

The use of “fields” in relation to compassion in the title made me think of how we need to open our arms wide to embrace fields of humans who are needing our tender compassion.

I am including today the prose that goes with Fields of Compassion in the book. I wrote it one day after experiencing this very thing at a stop light in Denver. I pulled over in my van and just wept. Then I wrote this in my journal. It was 2003, before I had taken the image…

“A man stands on the corner with his sign, Please, could you spare a quarter? Need a job. Our eyes meet. I see hesitancy, uncertainty, beseeching. Does he feel fear, shame, desperation, despair?

His bike sits at the corner, its half-gone seat duct-taped to hold it together. A bedroll lies in a basket, strapped to the handlebars. I feel compassion for his plight.

I do not know how to offer acknowledgment or compassion to this man who, as we all do, struggles to make it through, doing what he can to get by.

I look away and tears begin to flow – for his fragility, for my fragility, for humankind’s fragility. And I cry for the lack of compassion we show one another… and ourselves.

More tears flow for all of us who try, day by day, minute by minute, to survive.”

What has brought you to compassion? Share in a comment.

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Learn to Live with Gentleness

February 11, 2010 by 4 Comments

bed of gentle“Bed of Gentleness”

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

I was prompted to write this as a plea to myself and others during the time I was doing my self-searching. I began to notice the harshness of the people around me. At the grocery store, for example,  I noticed parents speaking to their children roughly, with nasty words. No gentleness. I noticed wives, speaking to their husbands with disdain. No gentleness.

Although I was able to identify a lack of gentleness in interactions around me, it took me several years into sobriety to see that I was treating myself the very same way that the parent treated their child in the grocery store – harshly, with nasty words. I was able to see the lack of gentleness “out there,” but not “in here.”

I began to notice that the way I treated myself slowed down my healing and growing processes. If I’m healing from something which wounded me, for example, being harsh with or belittling myself, etc., does not help me as I try to heal from the original wound. That is just heaping more abuse upon the experience, which hinders the healing process.

If I talk to myself gently, however, it promotes the learning and growing. I feel more safe inside myself. I have recently learned to speak gently from within. It took much practice. I had to consciously think about it, remind myself, catch the times I was talking badly to myself. Over time, good self-talk is gradually replacing bad.

Why all this talk of myself? Isn’t that just a bit self-absorbed? Ah, but you see, I have found on my journey that the more gentle I am with myself, the more gentle I am with you. The more I love myself, the more I can love you. Isn’t that what this is all about, after all?

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Search of Self

February 7, 2010 by 5 Comments

search of selfSearch of self, personal inventory, looking at my part in affairs… all the same thing, perhaps. For me it is. When I became sober and first did an inventory, really looked at myself with honesty, I was scared to death that all I would see was a failure, a selfish and bad person with nothing worth mentioning.

What I have learned over the years is that we all have redeeming qualities, even me. Like the image, our minds are a swirl of ideas and thoughts and we even have our shadows… and right in the middle of it all is our heart, shining brightly, leading the way when we let it. Don’t forget to look for those positive things about yourself that are in your heart.

I talk of looking at my part in affairs… what do I mean? For me, it is looking without fear at actions or thoughts I have in response to any given situation. My part in the affair may be that I had self-serving motives, or I was fearful to speak my truth and be honest with someone. It could also be that I had a positive thought of myself instead of beating up on myself or putting myself down.

Doing a self-appraisal was a good way to simply locate myself, to define what I was feeling. It became the vehicle of my inner freedom and peace. A regular habit of looking at my part in the affairs of my life taught me how to value, respect and love myself.

The beautiful thing is that once I can value, respect and love myself, I can value, respect and love others… you! It is a joyful and peaceful place to live and I am so grateful to have found it, one step at a time.

How are you doing with valuing, respecting and loving yourself? How about others?

Thank you for joining my blog today. As you may or may not know, this blog is about my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Each blog, I talk about the next emotion or action or principle presented in the book, determined by the title of each gate. It will be a while before we get to Moments of Wonder, where I talk about that awesome emotion. Meanwhile, if you’d like to jump ahead, I have guest blogged for Our Little Books, a little book with a big message and  you can read my thoughts on moments of wonder. It’d be fun to have you visit. Our Little Books is a great line of little, teeny books… very inspirational. Hope you can check them out…

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Commitment of Journey

January 25, 2010 by 3 Comments

commitment of journey“The gate stands open, beckoning me to climb.

Each step leads further in my journey, offering repeated opportunity to examine myself, my life – the leaves that have fallen, that leaves that will fall and the buds yet to form.

Once begun, I commit to the climb, for despite both rocky and smooth times that I will encounter, the journey’s reward is in each blossom and each leaf along the way.”

The second two stanzas were written in my journal a few years into sobriety. The gate showed up a couple of years later. To join the two, I wrote the first line after I discovered that this prose fit this image.

I never knew what a journey was. I did not hang around with people who spoke of their journey. All I knew was I was anxiously flitting from one activity to the next, looking for the one that would make me happy, bring me peace. It was always the end result which was my goal.

At some point in my sobriety, I slowed down and began to learn what a journey was. I became aware of how to examine myself, my life, and I began to write about this. I learned to slow down more, to notice the events and experiences that were occurring. I began to understand what people meant when they said that a journey is not a destination, but the process along the way.

Over the years, I have gone through a process of healing from emotions such as fear, sorrow, despair. The healing has allowed me to experience enjoyment of the process. I have learned, over time, to notice and appreciate “… each blossom and each leaf along the way,” along my path.

Sometimes the experience is difficult. It helps if I remember that there is a lesson to learn that I can use for my healing, my growth. I remember that the bad experience will move me forward to greater peace and joy, which I have experienced in my journey. Sometimes, I forget this…

Still, I commit to this journey, my journey, because I have experienced the rewards, the beauty in my life when the buds bloom.

What are the buds blooming in your life, along your journey?

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Openness of Heart

January 14, 2010 by 7 Comments

openness of heart“Do we spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that might come to us?

If we allow our hearts to open, will we see things in a different light?

Will we grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life?”

This prose was written at a point in time when I was overcome by both sadness and wonder… Sadness for myself and others, because I suspected many of us go through life with pieces of our heart closed, to protect ourselves from hurt and pain. Wonder, because I was beginning to learn how awesome it felt to open my own heart to all that was around me… other people, events, nature, designs of buildings… everything.

The ability to open my heart is a process which has happened over time. It started with having an open mind to all that was different and new. For me, this started occurring after I read the book Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch. This book gently, yet powerfully, presented the concept that a higher power, or God, was behind everything, that experiences were opportunities, not coincidences, that God speaks through other people, through songs, billboards… everything. Everywhere, and in every thing, there is that guiding force, God, or whatever you choose to call the powers of the Universe.

I liked this concept; it was soothing to my soul. I relaxed and looked at those around me with less fear, more love and tolerance. My heart had followed my head and it continues to do so. And it’s the little things that bring joy and openness to my heart… noticing a mother smile at her child in a grocery store, watching the eyes of a homeless person light up when I smile at him/her, seeing the delicate bloom on a flower, a rainbow on the wall… The more I am open to all around me, the more joy and wonder I feel and the more my heart opens. It is an ever-present, ever-peaceful spiral.

Early on in the opening up process, I read voraciously and the second author who touched my heart and helped it to open more was Oriah Mountain Dreamer and her book The Invitation. The book is an invitation to open one’s heart… After that, it was Iyanla Van Zant and her book, One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. I identified strongly with the experiences she described. Then there was Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now. When I live in the moment, I am more open, I live from my heart more.

Today, opening my heart means being available to all that life has to offer on the spectrum of feelings. It means being open to experience polar opposites… joy, sorrow, hope, despair, courage, fear. Openness to feel all my feelings has led to a richness of life I cannot describe. My heart is not always open, and sometimes it is difficult to be open and I struggle. Yet, I can say that it is definitely a peaceful and awesome place to be when I’m there. I have been truly blessed.

What are the joys you experience when your heart is open and receives?

Thank you for joining the journey through my book. Join me next time for Key of Willingness.

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Birth of Awareness – From The Inside Out

November 17, 2009 by 3 Comments

“Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung

I love this quote by Carl Jung. It describes my experience very well. I spent most of my life dreaming. I would add to dreaming the blaming of people, places and things for where I was in life, for what was happening to me.

I then drank to numb the feelings that cropped up, such as anger, resentment, disappointment, fear, to name a few. After a while, drinking only intensified the feelings. I was miserable a lot of the time. Don’t forget, however, that I put on my “all’s right with the world” face. Even I was unaware of the extent to which I grieved.

In sobriety, I have been able to awaken to a different way. I have learned to take responsibility for my life, including my feelings. I now look for my feelings, own them,  examine them and my part in things. I usually find it unnecessary to blame other persons or situations for what is happening in my life.

At first, I thought if I looked that closely at myself, I would find nothing but an empty shell of who I once was. All I could see were my negative traits. When I started to look at my positive ones, I began to like the person I saw. That took several years into sobriety, however, as my awakening has been slow to occur.

And what I have awakened to is a tremendous freedom. I have freed my heart soul from all that negative energy. For that, I am so grateful, as I often experience peace and joy, two things I didn’t know I could experience.

Not only have I developed that habit of keeping track of my inner world, I have learned to be aware of my outer world, as well. The flower in bloom, the hills on the horizon… all the scenery around me, both far and near.

Yet, perhaps the most rewarding thing from my inner search and awakening is my desire to see others. I strive to be more sensitive to who others are, more aware of their needs, their dreams and hopes. I try to see more with the eyes of compassion than I have ever known to do before. Keeping a continual scan of my inner world allows me to be more open to my outside world and the people in it. I cannot describe how peaceful and joyful that is.

In what ways have you awakened in your life? Has it been a slow dawning of your inner world or sudden? I would enjoy and welcome your comments. Thank you.

Join me fort the next post as the journey continues…

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Birth of Awareness – Discovering the Divine

November 12, 2009 by 5 Comments

birth of awarenessBefore moving on to awareness, I’d like to share what Michael J had to say about surrender… “Surrendering the ego is one of the biggest steps I took. I generally have to take it every day, right after seeking from within my love for the Beloved Self, forgiveness of the Self, and the best way to serve that Divine inside through daily acts of love outside.”

I thought this was beautiful and I wanted to share it with you. Thank you, Michael, for this most useful and thought-evoking point. I had forgotten about surrender of the ego, yet, it is an important part of the letting go process, getting out of my own way.

Moving on to today’s topic, birth of awareness, I’d like to start with my awareness of the Divine, to which Michael referred.

In the image, that little leaf you see in the opening of the gate is me, making the decision to walk through the gates of awareness. After experiencing fear, worthlessness, sorrow and despair, and after letting go of my pretenses that all was fine with me, I was led to develop awareness. There was no where else to go…

This happened for me several months before I got sober. Someone gave me the book “Conversations With God,” by Neale Donald Walsh, which I promptly ignored for several weeks. Eventually, however, I did read the book and became enthralled.

I came away from my reading with a sense that nothing that happens in the world is an accident, that God is constantly presenting opportunities and messages to us through the experiences we have, as well as through other people, songs, books, etc, etc. As I opened  up my awareness to these things, I noticed them more and more and it became an ever-widening circle.

As time went on, I struggled with the God-concept, or the powers of the Universe, whatever you wish to call a higher power. But my awareness continued to grow and I could not argue the point that some force was at play in my life. I was led to books by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, author of “The Invitation” and Iyanla Van Zant, author of “Until Today” and received great solace in times of struggle. My belief continued to grow…

Please join me in my next post, when I will talk about developing inner and outer awareness.

Meanwhile, I welcome your comments about how you discovered the Divine in your life. Did you struggle? Did you always believe or did your awareness dawn slowly…

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Surrender of Pretense – Part Two

November 10, 2009 by 3 Comments

Today I would like to continue the discussion about my surrender of pretense. In the last post, I spoke of the ways in which I used to hide behind my gates, and sometimes still do. In today’s post, I will talk about the incident that led me to my major surrender, what that felt like then and what surrender feels like today.

It was an unrequited love for which I had left my marriage that led me to my knees. I was positive with all my heart that the guy returned the feelings and when I found out in a most humiliating way that he did not, I was devastated. Suddenly, I found myself alone and I was terrified.

All I could do for the next three months was to drink and cry. I was not able to function, to care for myself. I experienced acute sorrow, despair, worthlessness and fear. Eventually, I gave up in utter defeat and despair. I had failed to manage my life.

Interestingly, once I gave up and stopped trying to handle life myself, things started to get better. It was like I opened the gate for the good forces of the Universe to enter. People showed up who helped me and gave me love and support. I was able to make the decision to quit drinking and, at my friend’s suggestion, we joined a support group.

Even in sobriety, however, to surrender felt like defeat, utter despair. It was not until about two years ago, when I was placed on medication, that my inner world changed when I was led to surrender.

First of all, I consciously practiced giving up, letting go of events and the direction in which they were going. I quit trying to manage people and situations.

Secondly, the more I did this consciously, the more it began to happen and the more I noticed the ease in which I was able to let go.

Today, I continually return  to that conscious place of letting go of things.  I purposefully turn things over to the Universe and let scenarios play out as they will. Sometimes, letting go is a struggle and I do not achieve it. Sometimes, I am able to notice that I have been graced with the ability to let go, to detach. Each time I do this, it becomes easier the next time, and then the next.

When I surrender now, I feel peace and joy. I am usually pleasantly surprised at the outcome of a situation, as it is better than what I had planned or had imagined.

How do you surrender in your life? What does surrender look like for you? I welcome your comments.

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Surrender of Pretense – Part One

November 7, 2009 by 18 Comments

surrender of pretense_2“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced.

My heart dies, one piece at a time, behind a gate that rusts away.

I am no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind my gate of false bravado and politeness.

It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me.

It is time to let myself come out from behind my gate.”

This is the prose which accompanies Surrender of Pretense in the book. It describes how I lived my life, until I could no longer continue. Until I gave up my pretense that everything was fine with me, I spent a great deal of time showing the world a positive face, not talking about how I was dying inside, not even admitting it to myself. After-all, I wanted to be liked, wanted to avoid conflict at all costs.

It has taken a  lot of work in my sobriety to come out from behind my rusted gate. Sometimes, I am not aware of what I am feeling and, therefore, cannot speak up about what is going on with me. Other times, I still keep quiet because I want to be liked and I want to avoid conflict. I am, however, beginning to slowly let people know who I am. For the most part, I have found that people are supportive of those efforts, as well as the self that I reveal.

Sometimes what I say has led to an uncomfortableness in a relationship, and yet, I continue to speak up, even though I am fearful to do so. I do it anyway. Eventually, the relationship is strengthened or it fades away. In either case, it is a good way to practice walking through the gate of my fear.

Sometimes, I continue to keep thoughts to myself, to hide what I truly think, who I truly am, as I  believe it would be harmful to another to speak up. Sometimes, I continue to be too afraid to say something. There are those times, too, when I do not feel safe revealing who I am because to do so would invite verbal abuse and I am not willing to place myself in that situation.

In most situations, however, I am mastering coming out from behind my gate, being honest about who I am. It feels liberating and peaceful in my heart. I feels good to be true to myself, to show who I am and in what I believe.

Today’s post has dealt with the pretenses I have kept up, and continue to keep up. Next post, as we continue our journey, I will talk about the surrender I experienced initially and how that differs from the surrender I feel today.

How are the ways you continue to hide behind your gate? In what ways are you afraid to show others who you are? I invite and would love your comments.

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Face of Despair – Five Ways To Dispel It

November 1, 2009 by 4 Comments

Face of Despair“Can anyone hear my wail? Can I hear myself?”

This is the prose that accompanies the image  Face of Despair in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart. Welcome, as we journey through the book. You may like to discover the magic of the book by reading about its birth.

“To be without hope, to lose or give up hope,” is how Webster defines despair. I found this to be true every time I came to despair. I did not come willingly…

For me, despair was like falling off a cliff. It was a hard and difficult landing. I’d be walking along, functioning well and bam! I’d walk right off into the morass of despair – total and utter hopelessness. I was convinced I no longer wanted to live and prayed for my life to end because I could not stand it any longer. I became suicidal a couple of times. I became unable to function, listless. All I could while there was wail, literally.

Each and every time I went there and then recovered, I was bewildered about how I got there in the first place, about how suddenly it occurred, about how I just fell off the cliff.

What was my despair trying to tell me? I thought it was that life was worthless, that I was worthless. There was no use in continuing. Liquor intensified these feelings; once sober, I no longer had my numbing agent and so felt this emotion acutely. It was agonizing. Little did I know when it started just how rocky my journey would become before it got better.

I have not fallen into despair for almost two years now. I believe there are five reasons for that.

  1. First and, perhaps, most importantly, a medication was prescribed in addition to my anti-depressive. This has had a major impact on my ability to stay free from despair.
  2. I had a revelation. One day, I helped a man immensely, just by telling my story. I realized in a flash that perhaps my experiences in life and how I’ve dealt with them could be of use to another. So, I tell my story.
  3. I took certain steps and did a lot of work on my issues of worthlessness.
  4. I continued therapy to help me identify my feelings so I could learn how to think differently about myself.
  5. I read a lot of self-help books about my issues, such as low self-worth.

These five things have made a huge impact on my despair. Today, I do not experience it. I find life beautiful and very worthwhile to be living. I look forward to each day, wondering what the day will hold in the way of experiences as my journey continues. It is a peaceful and joyful place to be and I am so very grateful for that.

Do you struggle with despair? How have you dealt with it?

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Feeling Worthless – 4 Steps to Moving On

October 22, 2009 by 3 Comments

I was going to move on from the topic of feeling worthless, and then got an email comment from a friend. He raised a valid point, which I would like to share with you.

First, however, I’d like to explain to those of you who are new to my blog what I am doing. I am walking through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart, topic by topic, as each appears in the book. There are forty-two topics or titles for the images. All together, they tell a story  - that of my personal journey through the gates of despair to joy and peace.

Each title/topic deals with a common human emotion, a principle of living or a way to treat others and myself.

I have preceded the title/topic discussions with six posts about how the book was birthed. It’s quite an amazing story and will lend new awareness to the story as it unfolds.

The point which was brought to my attention was that the gate, Corner of Worthlessness, is down the street from the Gate of Denied Approval. He went on to say that when we did not receive approval or unconditional love, it is difficult to dispel those feelings of worthlessness which arise from that lack.

Even though some of us, as adults, have wrestled with those feelings, and resolved them, they tend to arise occasionally to haunt us. He felt I seemed to have licked this problem. And, to a large degree, I have.

I used to have huge self-worth problems, however, which is why it appears in my book as one of my emotions. Some days, I slide into that morass. Usually these days, though, I don’t feel worthless. How is that, you may ask? I went through a process whereby:

  1. I first identify that I am feeling worthless. (It has taken years to learn that that is what I am feeling…)
  2. I talk to someone about these feelings; I let them out instead of bottling them up.
  3. I ask the Powers That Be, the Universe, to take these feelings from me.
  4. And, I remain willing for this to happen.

These days, that happens; I am freed from the feelings of low self-worth. It took a long time for this to happen, however, as first my esteem had to strengthen, as did my confidence. Perhaps it happened like that so my continued feelings could be of use to someone else. I don’t know.

So, on to the next topic with the next post. Meanwhile, you can view the photos in Opening the Gates of the Heart here.

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Webs of Fear

October 7, 2009 by 4 Comments

webs of fearHello and welcome. Today I begin to walk through the book with you, sharing on each of the forty two topics and sometimes the prose. The topic will be the title of each image.

I invite you to join me as we move through my journey from despair to joy and peace. I invite you also to scroll back and read the tale about how the book was birthed. It is an awesome story.

“I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.” Webs of Fear, our first gate… Weaving webs was the only way I knew; breaking them down has been more difficult. It has involved, for me, the awareness of my fear and then walking through it with courage and faith. I do it even though I am still frightened.

There are so many forms of fear: justified fear, as when in a dangerous or unsafe situation, such as an armed robbery, fear for another’s safety and welfare, and self-absorbed fear, on which I’d like to focus.

For me, self-absorbed fear occurs when everything I fear relates to me somehow, that I will lose something I have or not get something I want. It is very “self” centered. It can be a nagging fear or full blown, so much so that I am unable to function, to move forward, to take action and I procrastinate.

What others call procrastination, I recognize as fear, although I have to remind myself of this when I procrastinate. When I am so fearful of doing something and the result is procrastination, I must really examine what the fear is that is holding me back.

Frequently, I find a lack of confidence because my self- esteem is low and under that is the belief that I am not good enough. Old stories, these are…

I do not find it helpful, as some do, to call myself lazy. That only reinforces my negative beliefs about myself. To raise my esteem, I nurture myself, pay attention to the fact that I am scared  and then do something nice for myself and someone else.

Today I wandered through the topic of procrastination. Next time, more about fear and how it manifests, for me.

What are the webs that you weave? What is it about them that paralyzes you with fear?

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Another One of Those Self-Improvement Books?

October 3, 2009 by Leave a Comment

attunement

Today’s image is Attunement. I thought that was fitting, seeing as I cannot seem to get in tune with myself enough to write this blog! Ever find yourself that way? Out of tune with yourself? How do you handle it?

I mean, I end up puttering around the house, or at least that’s what I’ve been doing today. Reframing a picture because the first frame and its mat were too much the same size and it looked blaa, working on the Internet, picking a frame for a pen-and-ink drawing that was given to me by the artist, smell the roses (literally), and so on.

You see the pattern. Flighty. Non-focused.

And the thing that’s so fun about allowing myself to be drawn away from my planned activities is it makes life more fun, more spontaneous, more interesting. It produces a freeing feeling.

I didn’t used to be able to go with the flow of things. Oh, nooooo. I had an agenda and I was bent on getting that agenda met. Sometimes, in my haste to accomplish my mission, I would “run over” others, just being concerned that my needs were met.

Other times, I watched out specifically for everyone else’s needs, and paid no attention to mine. I didn’t even know what my needs WERE for a while after I became sober. That has resolved over the years…

At any rate, I’m trying to make the point that after I walked through the gates of my heart, I was able to take the time to smell the roses, to be okay with diverting attention from a task at hand.

I have learned to slow down tremendously. I have learned not to over-complicate things by bringing in too many variables. I have learned that when I slow down, I experience more peace within.

I’ll start sharing with you in my next post the process that occurred to make this, and other, changes in my life happen. This is why I blog. I have not introduced the point of the blog until now. First, I wanted to tell you the story of the birth of the book because it is awesome the way it happened.  As far as my involvement in the process, I had little to do with it, other than the fact that I kept showing up for my life… sober… and things changed.

I suppose some might say the book I am telling you about is another one of those  self-improvement books. I cannot say. All I know is that my gates changed my life when I walked through them and I want to share that journey with you. So, another one of those self- improvement books ? … you decide.

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Who is This Gate Lady Photographer?

September 23, 2009 by 8 Comments

circle of giving-sm

Who is the gate photographer, this gate lady? How did my “previous life” propel me into what ended up being the discovery of my gates? To answer these question is to describe what my previous life looked like.

In my prior life, I was tremendously unhappy, yet I put my bright face forward, not letting others know I was aching inside. However, I was doing nothing to claim my own unhappiness.

I was in a dissatisfying marriage, one I was afraid to leave for fear of being on my own. I was in a job where the requirements were against my values and it made me very uncomfortable. And I didn’t like myself, yet, didn’t know that at the time. I had issues from my childhood, as did many of us. To handle all of this, I was drinking heavily. Of course, I’d been drinking heavily for a long time, having started in 1975.

In late 1999, I developed feelings for another man and believed he reciprocated those feelings. I left my marriage in June 2000, only to find out the man did not share them. I was devastated. My drinking escalated as did depression. I was unable to do anything but drink or cry for the next three months. I was unable to function with daily activities.

After that three months, I continued journaling. I actually had started journaling when I first developed feelings for the other man. As I was increasingly unable to focus on work, I quit my job in January 2001 because I had decided to go on a road trip.

Before I went, however, I discovered my gates. The discovery of the gates became an incredible stepping stone to where I am today. I tell that tale starting with my first post, Why I Photograph Gates.

I left for San Diego after discovering my gates, the first stop on my road trip. I was planning on getting sober with a friend. One day she suggested we attend a support group that could help us. Being open to everything that came across my path, I agreed.

Thus began the new life for me. Although I have experienced many situations during my sobriety, my story is really about what it’s like to show up for life, to be present and take action as a sober person, in a loving manner. My gates have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today, a life lived in peace and joy.

My first post, Why I Photograph Gates, begins the story of the birth of the book. My posts also describe my birth into a new life, as my journey described in my book is also my journey in sobriety.

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