The Challenges of Forgiveness

May 9, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning, all! I hope this is a beautiful day for each of you. Today, I liked the search term, “the challenges of forgiveness,” and will address this in today’s post. Let’s jump right in.

Many people are challenged with forgiveness because they think it means they are condoning what happened, that they are saying it was okay. Yet, this is not the case. When you show forgiveness, you are not saying it was okay; you are not condoning what happened. You are merely clearing your heart so you can free yourself from the chains of anger and resentment. You are releasing your anger.

The thing about forgiveness is, once you reach it, you discover the most incredible peace and freedom you have ever experienced. That is your “reward,” the goal toward which you are working.

To get to forgiveness, look at the person who harmed you as an emotionally wounded human being, with wounds far greater than you can comprehend. Once you see them as wounded, it is possible to see them with compassion. From compassion flows forgiveness.

Another challenge people have when it comes to forgiveness is recognizing that they have a part in it all. Sometimes, you have gotten the ball rolling by hurting someone, and they reacted, leaving you angry at their response and unable to forgive.

In situations like this, it is necessary to take an honest look at yourself and realize you started the whole thing, and you need to release your anger, forgive, and possibly apologize for the original offense. It takes humility and honesty to deal with these situations, but again, the rewards are great peace and freedom.

 

If you are having difficulty forgiving someone and are tied in knots over it, I invite you to call me to discuss my coaching program, which is designed to guide you through the process of forgiveness. You can reach me at 415-883-8325 or carolyncjjones@yahoo.com. My specialty is forgiveness, assisting with anger release.

How are you challenged by forgiveness? If I haven’t touched on your challenge, I invite you to leave a comment and share your it with us.

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7 – Day Forgiveness Challenge – Day 5

April 10, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you and welcome back to our forgiveness challenge! Today, you will look at your not-so-good actions, behaviors, and qualities. This is necessary in order to determine if you did something to get the ball rolling in the resentment.

Got ready to make two more lists. First, list out your not-so-hot qualities, the things upon which you want to improve. Be honest with yourself. Know that we each have a side of undesirable traits.

Then, consider the past week. List out all the not-so-desireable things you said and did. See all of this objectively, without getting upset over your areas that need improvement. In fact, look at what you identify as just that – areas needed for improvement.

Now, think about the person with whom you have a resentment, an anger, and consider the following two points:

  • Do you do the same thing that the other person did for which you are angry? In other words, are you angry about something that you, yourself, do? If you can honestly say yes, then you need to drop your resentment and realize that you and the other person are fallible human beings. It helps to laugh at yourself…
  • Explore the beginning of the hurt which you resent. Then consider, did you get the ball ruling? Did you say or do something that was not-so-nice, to which the other person reacted like any normal human being would, in a predictable fashion? If you said or did something mean to John and John reacted by doing something which then hurt you, recognize that you got the ball rolling; you started the whole disagreement. In this case, it is time to become humble. See yourself as a fallible human being. Drop your anger and resentment and apologize, if needed. Don’t forget to give forgiveness to yourself.

This part of the process can be difficult and you may be tempted to brush off your negative behavior. I would caution you not to do that, and urge you to look with honesty and humility at your behavior. If you are having difficulty conducting this part of the self-appraisal, or in looking at the role you played in the whole resentment, I am available for coaching you through it. That’s what I do. Simply call me at 415-883-9325 to schedule a time to talk. Or, email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com.

I wish you well with this part of the forgiveness process, and hope that you can put what you illuminate to good use.

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Living in the Past with Resentment or Longing

April 2, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning! I hope you each are well this morning. Today, we will continue with living in the past, and will address living with resentment and longing for better days.

Let’s look at resentment first. Resentment is the reliving of an anger again and again, not letting go of it. In these cases where you are doing this, there is a key you can learn that will benefit you for the rest of your life; you can learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is a process; it doesn’t happen overnight, yet, when you get to a point of being ready to forgive, it quietly happens in the moment. There are some things to consider about how to forgive. First, see the other person as a wounded being, and feel compassion for their woundedness. From that place of compassion, forgive.

Second, learn to do a self-appraisal, look honestly at your negative behavior. Determine if you got the ball rolling or if you do the very thing for which you are resentful. In these cases, let go of your resentment; forgive and let it go. Apologize if it is indicated.

Third, accept that the other person is incapable of giving you what you want. For whatever reason, they cannot meet your expectations. Accept that about them and let it go; forgive. This brings up the issue of expectations. When you expect things from others, it is a set up to be disappointed and resentful when they do not meet those expectations. Watch for that, and try not to expect anything. Then, when good things happen, you can be surprised.

Let’s turn our attention to longing for the “good old days.” Many people spend a lot of time in the unproductive and sadness-producing activity of wishing things were like they used to be. They lament that those days are gone. The danger is that, when you do this, you are not living in the present moment where the gifts of life reside. You make yourself miserable.

It is nice to have fond memories of the past and to long for them to return is a danger signal to your happiness if you spend your time wishing things were different than they are in current day. Accept that those days are gone and instead of lamenting, choose to make today the best possible. Get involved in new activities to create more “good old days.”

Living in the past is non-productive, a waste of time and energy no matter what the reason. Visit the past for the purpose of healing from it and otherwise, don’t live in it. Learn to live in the moment.

How are you living in the past? Are you feeling guilty, resentful, or longing for days gone by? Take a look at those things and realize you are making yourself miserable. You have a choice to stop living in the past. Make it. : )

 

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Living in the Past Prevents You From Moving Forward

April 1, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Hi and good morning, all! I hope you had a very nice Easter. Today’s search that caught my eye was “living in the past and my expectations keep me from moving forward.” So let’s take a look at these two things.

Often, when you are living in the past, you are looking back with guilt or resentment over an incident, or you are longing for those “better days.” In all three cases, you are not served, you are unable to move forward with your life. You are prevented from living in the present moment, which is where the gift of life resides. Let’s look at each one of these points separately.

When you are in guilt, you regret your actions or behaviors in the past and beat yourself up over them again and again. I say with all gentleness, this is a waste of your time and energy, an activity that affects your heart and your ability to love yourself. Loving yourself is necessary so you can truly love others in your life.

You did the very best you knew how to do with the tools you had at the time. If you had known better, you would have done better. I am not suggesting that you are not responsible for your actions, because you are. In the case where you harmed someone, you can take responsibility and apologize to them if to do so will not hurt them further.

Then, you can react with humility, recognizing that you are a human being and humans are prone to make mistakes. It is part of our nature. The real opportunity to living in the past by feeling guilty lies in the lesson you can learn from the whole affair. It lies in how you can grow as a person because of your actions.

Also, you do not know what the Universe has in store for the recipient of your wrong. Maybe they were the brunt of your error so they can heal from it and grow in ways you cannot understand. Maybe they are intended to be of service to someone else who suffers as they did. You do not know.

And maybe the Universe is trying to teach you humility. You do not know. The best to be done when you feel guilty and are living in the past is to forgive yourself, apologize when indicated, then learn and grow from the whole thing.

In the interest of keeping this post relatively short, I will continue tomorrow with the other two things that cause you to stay living in the past. Return tomorrow when I’ll discuss how to manage resentments and longing for the good old days.

Where in your life are you living in the past because you feel guilty? I invite you to apply some of the points I mentioned and forgive yourself.

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Easter – A Day of Rising Up by Finding Sobriety

March 31, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning and Happy Easter to each of you! I wish for you a day of rising up, of being reborn in your life. For me, that rebirth happened after I found sobriety. By becoming sober, I became able to heal form past wounds, and to learn to forgive, to create forgiveness in my life.

Today, I want to address sobriety and then mention forgiveness…

Have you been beaten down so low in your life that you are in great despair, with little or no hope that things will get better? Are you drinking mass quantities to numb the pain and confusion you feel? There is a way out. It is one of sobriety.

Right now, today – a day of rising up – you can choose sobriety. You can choose another course for your life. It doesn’t have to be in shame that you do this – instead, you can be in great relief that you no longer have to drown your sorrows and feel miserable the next day. Ah yes, the hangovers. How I remember them well… getting up and not being able to function until the afternoon, going to get my hangover food – a burrito from Taco Bell or a thigh from Kentucky Fried Chicken – all so it would settle my queasy stomach and quell the sharp pain in my head.

Are you there yet? Wanting to give it all up? Then it is time for you to consider sobriety, to ask for help. There are many support groups around from which you can get assistance. All you have to do is look in your yellow pages, or google alcohol support groups. They are there to help you – right now. Follow that small voice in your heart that wants to be done, that small voice that urges you to ask for help. It will be the best thing you do for yourself in your life!

Once you find sobriety, after a while, you will learn how to create forgiveness in your life, of both others and yourself, and that is the most freeing and peaceful thing you can experience. It will make you glow, make you radiant. You do not want to miss this experience!

The thing about sobriety is, it allows you to heal from all the demons you chase away when you are drinking. Through sobriety, you create a life that is filled with freedom, with peace. But you have to start somewhere, so why not at the beginning and what better day than Easter?

 

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The Process of Forgiveness

March 16, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning to each and every one of you and thank you for coming to this blog. I wish for you a terrific day and weekend! Today, I will deal with the process of forgiveness.

Remember, in the talk about forgiveness, you are not condoning what was done or said, not saying it was okay. You are merely clearing your heart, your spirit, your soul. Nor does the person have to apologize for you to forgive. Also, you can forgive and not keep that person in your life.

Having said that, let me dive into the process of forgiveness. First, identify one person and one incident about which you are angry and resentful. Write about the situation in your journal – print with your non-dominant hand. When you write with your non-dominant hand, all sorts of deep feelings will flow forth; that is a proven occurrence. Also, printing is easier to manage than writing in script.

Feel the feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, etc., that arise for you. Write about them. “Be” with them; allow them to cross through your mind, but don’t start feeling sorry for yourself. And don’t start plotting how you will get back at them. The purpose of this exercise is simply to feel your emotions rather than avoid them. Don’t numb your emotions with substances during this part, either.

Now look at how this anger/resentment has affected your life and the life of those around you. Write about the impact it has had in your life. Look carefully at what you have written and realize that is not what you want for your life. If you want to be at peace, to have peace-of-mind, then keep doing this exercise. After looking at the ways in which your anger has invaded your life, decide you will look with new eyes, 180 degrees from where you are now looking.

Look at what the person did, and consider that, to have done that, someone, in this case the other person, would have to be wounded themselves to do what they did. Think about the possible wounds the other person may have been, or is, dealing with. See them as a wounded person. Have compassion for that wounded person.

Don’t forget to do your self-appraisal and determine if you got the ball rolling with this resentment, whether you started the whole affair, or whether you do the very same thing for which you are resentful. In these cases, I suggest dropping your resentment, even apologizing if the need is there.

Return to compassion for the person who wronged you, again and again until the seeds of forgiveness begin to grow. Recognize that the person did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. Granted, that may have been pretty nasty behavior, but recognize that was their best at the time.

Get all of this process down in writing, because your feelings about it will flow onto the page. Writing is cathartic and healing. Recognize when you have reached forgiveness and notice how that feels in your heart. Do you feel lighter? If you do not yet feel lighter, keep returning to that state of compassion until forgiveness occurs. For me, it took about a year of doing this before I actually forgave my parents.

Once you have done the process and you feel a lighter spirit, share in a comment what that was like for you. I wish you well on your journey to forgiveness.

 

 

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The Act of Forgiveness

March 14, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning and welcome to another day! I hope it is a glorious day for you, one in which things go as you desire. Today, we continue our discussion about forgiveness.

In the post yesterday, I spoke about looking at whether or not you are angry at someone for something you, yourself, are guilty of doing or saying. This, as I said, involves doing a self-appraisal, or performance evaluation, if you will.

In that appraisal, be honest, even if it is embarrassing to admit. Instead of being embarrassed, look at the situation with eyes and gentleness of compassion. I, for example, realized one day that I was doing the same thing driving that I was mad at other drivers for doing for which I resented them. Ah, I had to drop my anger, and forgive the other drivers for their habit, even though I find it annoying.

You also need to look at whether you got the ball rolling in a situation that has led to anger and resentment. Did you say or do something that the other person reacted to like a normal human being would? If this is the case, and you acted negatively toward them, you need to accept responsibility for your behavior.

In that case, you need to own your negative behavior, apologize, if needed, and forgive the other person. Often, we unknowingly, and sometimes knowingly, do or say nasty things to others to which they react. It is this situation to which I refer. You can get more detail about how to look at these issues by signing up to get my free article on forgiveness by leaving your email to the right, as I said yesterday.

Once you get the article, you will read further about how to manage a resentment, an anger toward another. You will read about the process of how to forgive. It starts with listing out one anger/resentment, why you are angry and at whom. Feel that anger, feel the hurt, feel the seething. Allow yourself to feel how wrong the offense was.

Then, look at how this has affected your life, the life of those around you, and make a conscious choice to look at the situation with a new set of eyes, from 180 degrees. With that new pair of eyes, decide you want something different for your life and become willing to be responsible for it. Choose to stop blaming and accept what occurred. Just make the decision to do that, even if you are not able to come to a definite resolve to do it.

Now, sit with that choice to make a change in relation to that offense, to your anger and resentment. Just “be” with it. Notice where the feelings take you when you consider a change in your life, in starting a new relationship with your anger and resentment. Write about your feelings, print actually, with your non-dominant hand, so feelings just flow out onto the page.

Try to devote at least 30 minutes to this exercise, and let’s continue tomorrow in the process of forgiveness.

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What Forgiveness Is Not

March 13, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Hello and good morning to each of you! It has dawned another clear day in the northern San Francisco Bay Area and I’m loving it! Today is another day about forgiveness.

First though, I want to acknowledge each of you for your perseverance, your coming back, especially now that we’re getting into the meat of things that are personal. It is difficult to look at ourselves. It is difficult to climb from emotional numbness, to examine our anger, our pain. I applaud each and every one of you for your efforts! You will find the reward of peace and freedom so well worth it.

Today, let’s talk about what forgiveness is not. First and foremost, when we forgive, we are not condoning what was said or done. We are not saying that what was said or done was okay, for it was not.

This assumes, of course, that you have already done a self-appraisal and examined whether or not you do the same things others are doing, and if you are, then you need to consider forgiving the other person for being human, just like you. It also assumes that you have identified whether you got the ball rolling, and the other person was just responding in a predictable human fashion.

If you are confused about these things and/or how to do a self-appraisal, I suggest you get my free article by signing up to the right. It explains the process of getting to forgiveness, and how to do a self-appraisal. How to look at these issues is discussed.

Back to the point that forgiveness does not say what was done is wiped from your memory, that you are overlooking the transgression, for you’re not. Yet, you can still forgive. The person is still responsible for what they did or said, you are just looking at it with a different view from your heart. You are looking at it from the standpoint of gaining peace and freedom.

The second misconception about forgiveness is that the other person must apologize before you can forgive. This is just not so, and, in fact, an apology may never be forthcoming.

I never have spoken to my parents, for example, of my 38 years of anger, about the scars I received as a result of my upbringing, as I feel this would only serve to hurt them. They know not what they did. Because of that, an apology will not come forth; yet, I have been able to forgive them anyway, as I realize they are not capable, perhaps, of understanding. That’s okay. I can still forgive because forgiveness is for MY heart.

If you understand these two misconceptions, and that forgiveness is extended so you can be at peace in YOUR heart, to free YOU, then you are that much further in your ability to forgive.

I hope these clarifications make it easier to consider forgiveness. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about ways in which you can take responsibility for your feelings in this area.

 

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Forgiveness Is a Decision and An Emotional Change

March 12, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning! It is pre-dawn, and I am up and roaming about. I am surrounded by papers on my desk from my radio talk show yesterday afternoon. Oh, have I told you about it? Transform Into Forgiveness airs on the internet every Monday at 3 pm PST. Just go to www.w4cy.com, and when you get there, you will hear me live. I invite you to join me.

Yesterday on the show, I relayed a saying about learning that I found on Facebook which rang true for me. It was, “If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.” You keep coming back, so I take it you are determined to learn. That is marvelous! You are unstoppable and will reach your goal, whatever that may be.

Having said that, let’s continue our discussion from yesterday when I spoke about things you may be angry and resentful of that keep you from forgiving. The thing about forgiveness is, your anger is like poison that you are drinking. It harms you and the other person is untouched by it. Your anger gnaws at you, eating away from the inside out.

Did you know that medical research has shown that living in a state of forgiveness can lead to a decreased risk of heart disease, heart attack, and cancer? It is true, and so is the opposite, that living in anger, a state of un-forgiveness, leads to all these things. How marvelous that being forgiving, living in a state of forgiveness, can help to decrease your blood pressure, for example, or can lower your risk of getting cancer.

In fact, on January 2, 1998, ABC reported that “studies show that letting go of anger and resentment can reduce the severity of heart disease and in some cases, even prolong the lives of cancer patients.” That is powerful, don’t you think?! It presents a strong case for learning to forgive.

Forgiveness is both a decision and a real change in emotional experience. That change in emotion is related to better emotional and physical health. We decide that we are going to look at forgiving someone, and then we take the steps to do so. It’s like making the decision to look at your world from 180 degrees, from the opposite direction. You make this decision because the anger has consumed you and you are not willing to live with that anymore.

Think about the anger you hold and how it spills into everything you do… your personal relationships, your work and those relationships, your hobbies and pleasures. At what point is enough enough? At what point are you wanting to stop those effects of your anger and resentment and to have peaceful and loving relationships? What about today?

Join me tomorrow as I speak more about forgiveness and clarify what it is not.

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Forgiveness Is a Process

March 11, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning to each and every one of you that visits today. May your day be filled with joy! Today we’re going to start a series about forgiveness… starting with the things you may feel that you cannot forgive, on through how to open your hearts, and finally, how to get to forgiveness and the peace and freedom that brings.

I am shifting gears here because, actually, forgiveness is what I’m all about. For me, it’s about an attitude of forgiveness…extending it, living it. Let’s start this discussion by talking about the things for which you likely cannot forgive another. To start that discussion, let’s talk about how you were wronged.

You may have suffered abuse at the hands of another, or been on the receiving end of a marriage or relationship that went sour, and you may be angry about these things. That’s a typical response and quite justified. The thing is, what are you doing with that anger? Are you feeling it and moving on to the next step, moving forward from it, or are you stuck in it, wallowing in it, turning it into a resentment?

A resentment is merely anger that one feels again and again until it affects them in all areas of their life, until they are consumed by it. Usually, the person is very bitter and justifies their bitterness with the wrongness of what happened to them. They blame the other person for their unhappiness, their misery, and they may drink or drug over their pain.

Is this you? It was me… for 38 years. For 38 years I carried the anger and resentment against my parents for my upbringing, blaming them for my emotional pain. Never once, however, did I consider that it was my responsibility to find a way to heal that pain. Never once did I consider that I could even move on from that pain. Never once in all those years…

For 20 of those 38 years, I also had my husband to blame for my unhappiness, never once considering that if I was unhappy in the relationship, that I could leave. So I stayed and was miserable, and made his life miserable. And I drank extremely heavily.

Is what I’m saying ringing true for you? Are you, or were you, in similar situations? If so, let’s take a look at those situations… gently, with quietness. This is what my series will be about… looking at our attitudes, our angers and resentments, and the final step we will take is adopting an attitude of forgiveness.

But we are not there yet. Forgiveness is a process, and I hope you will come back as I take a close look at how to go through that process. It will be a gentle and nurturing guidance, I promise you that. So come back tomorrow for the next part of this discussion on forgiveness.

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Seven Things You Can Do to Strengthen Your Sobriety Today

March 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you! I hope for you a wonderful day, a wonderful week! : ) I liked the search term “things I can do to strengthen my sobriety,” so that is what I chose to address this morning. This applies to you even if you are not a sober person, i.e., even if you do not have a drinking problem.

The following are some suggestions of things you can do to strengthen your sobriety:

1. Write, print, every day in a journal with your non-dominant hand, even if for only 15 minutes every morning. If you are right-handed, print with your left. You will find that all sorts of deep emotions will flow forth onto the page. This is especially useful if you are “stuck,” having difficulty with your emotions and moving forward because of them.

2. Take a brisk walk a few times a day, even for 5 minutes. This gets your blood flowing, which gets more oxygen to your brain. It also helps the flow of endorphins to your brain, which is the feel-good chemical.

3. Get in the habit of doing an on-going self-appraisal, also known as a self-assessment, of your thoughts, words, and actions. This will keep you on track internally, in your thought-life, as well as keep a watch over how you treat others. If you are not acting in kind, tolerant respectful, and loving ways to others and yourself, you can change that behavior throughout the day.

4. Be gentle with yourself. All the harshness and having unrealistic expectations of yourself will not move you forward in life, will not help your sobriety. Instead, when you are not gentle, when you have unrealistic expectations of yourself, you set yourself up to fail, to be in angst.

5. Begin to see others that are irritating to you as wounded people, struggling inside of themselves. Perhaps they endured abuse when they were growing up, or later in a marriage, and they have not yet worked through those feelings. Perhaps they never WILL work through those feelings, and you can see them as a wounded person. You can have compassion for them.

6. Forgive those who have wronged you. Take #5 above and apply it to those who have wronged you. Understand that by forgiving, you will set yourself free, and you will find peace from that forgiveness. Know that forgiveness does not mean you condone what was done – it just means you forgive them their transgression. Know that it is you who you are taking off the hook, so you don’t continue to live with poison in your psyche, in your heart.

7. Learn to forgive yourself for all the wrongs you have committed against yourself and to others. See yourself as wounded yourself, and cut yourself some slack. This does not mean that you are off-the-hook and not responsible for your actions and behaviors; you are. But you can see yourself as a fallible human being, and can learn from your mistakes. From that introspection, you can grow. Use your mistakes as learning experiences.

These seven things are things you can do right now, so start in on them. If you do, you will find your thought-life and external life will be more calm and peaceful, more fulfilling and richer.

What one thing are you going to do today to strengthen your sobriety? Leave a comment and share with us what that one thing is. We’d love to share in your growth. :)

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More Positive Effects From Sobriety

September 30, 2012 by 1 Comment

To echo yesterday’s topic, is sobriety worth it, let me tell you another story.

I spent a large number of years in great anger and bitterness over my upbringing. I was filled with self-pity over the shame and degradation that was done to my soul, my spirit. I lived as a victim, always justified in my victimhood.

And I was a victim. But what I learned in sobriety was to heal from the shame, the feelings of worthlessness, the anger and rage. In sobriety, I became willing to seek professional help for my mental difficulties, which led to the realization that I’d had PTSD all those years. That was one reason for the explosive anger. With EMDR treatment, it has lessened a great deal.

The other reason for my anger was just generalized rage against the folks. After several years of healing work, I stumbled across forgiveness. It came to me over time, little bit by little bit. The end result has been full forgiveness of my past, and even being able to see the purpose for my past. I discovered how to put it to good use.

I discovered that my life’s purpose is to help others learn to forgive, so that they, too, can experience the wonderful freedom that exists on the other side of forgiveness. Without the abuse in childhood, I would never have had to struggle with my anger and rage, and I would never have stumbled across forgiveness, which is something I can help others to find.

All of this is possible because of sobriety. I didn’t have a fighting chance to heal while I was still drinking because I was stuck in the victim role. I couldn’t see past my anger, my pity. Only in sobriety have I been able to do that.

You, too, can find healing and freedom from anger and rage, heartache and pity. It starts with your sobriety. Are you willing to take that journey? Let me know in the comments section…

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Forgiveness is the Key to Your Inner Peace

September 11, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Do you live in the space of anger at others for things that happened long ago. resenting the heck out of them? Or, do you live in the realm of forgiveness, having moved through your resentment to the other side?

There is another side, you know, a side where there is freedom from the physical and emotional aspects of anger, resentment. I don’t know about you, but when I was angry for all those 36 years, I was tight as a drum in my muscles, went around with a scowl on my face a great deal of the time.

Emotionally, I was always in a turmoil, a continual thought process about how I’d been wronged by so-an-so, who had hurt me, whose fault it was. I definitely did not have inner peace. I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Peace? Being at peace in my heart, my mind? What’s THAT?

What I discovered after about 5 years of sobriety was true forgiveness and the effect of that forgiveness was that 36 years of anger and rage slowly receded. One day, I just noticed how my energy was being spent watching the world and other people around me, and that I was a witness to miracles, every day. This realization bred a great deal of joy for me.

All this was possible and had occurred, because I was willing to consider forgiveness when it looked me in the eye. It looked me in the eye when I realized I was doing to the men in my life the very same thing that had been done to me when I was a child. I used to get drunk and scream at them that they were worthless. I was heartsick and mortified when I remembered this, because I so denigrated their soul.

The thing is, I didn’t even feel that way about THEM, I was feeling worthless about ME. After realizing that, I was given the grace to feel compassion for myself, a small child being told she was worthless, and the permanent scars that these words caused in her life.

One day it dawned on me… if I didn’t feel the men in my life were worthless, instead that I was worthless and said it uncontrollably, then is it possible my father hadn’t meant it about me, but instead, about himself and was unable to keep those feelings of worthlessness inside? Suddenly, the door was opened ever-so-slightly. Through that crack, I saw a man, just a man, young at that, with lots of responsibility for a large family, under lots of stress, having endured the verbal abuse himself at the hands of his father.

I saw all of that through the crack in the door, and slowly, it crept open and compassion flowed in. Well, it actually trickled, but steadily flowed. Forgiveness came over me slowly, gently, with God’s grace and my actions and thought processes. Willingness and being open minded and open hearted helped a great deal.

Suddenly, I began to experience what I described before… the ability to observe the miracles happening all around me. I put my toe in these waters, slowly, cautiously, not sure if I was dreaming or if the feeling of freedom would be rudely yanked away. Time showed me that it was permeant and that I loved it as a space to hang out in.

You, too, can discover the willingness to consider looking at things with new eyes. That’s all it takes. Willingness to consider something and someone differently. Then it takes compassion and being willing to extend it to another. What lies through this all is peace, inner peace. And freedom. Join me tomorrow and I’ll walk you through the process of how to find forgiveness for not only others, but yourself as well.

My day would feel incomplete to me if I did not say this… May we hold a screed space for those who were directly affected by the events of 9/11, and also for those of us who stood helplessly watching… horrified. Many blessings for those brave souls who sprang into action to help.

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Forgiveness of Others

August 23, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Tiers of Forgiveness

Good morning. I hope the day is dawning brightly for you, wherever that might be.

I saw a twitter post this morning from someone who said they did not have the guts to forgive someone. It prompted me to tweet and let them know of my forgiveness article that they can receive if they opt-in to my site. Having tweeted about that, I was led to thoughts about forgiveness.

The thing about forgiveness is we always do it for ourselves, never the other person. Nelson Mandella said once that resentment is like drinking poison thinking it will kill your enemy. Truer words could not be spoken. Your enemy usually has no clue you are resentful, and it is you who is tied up in knots over some issue.

That’s why you never forgive for the other person; you forgive for yourself, to clear the chains that bind your heart. By offering forgiveness, you are not saying you condone what was done, not in any way. The event(s) that happened were wrong, you were wronged, and it will always be a part of who you are.

But there is a way to look at a situation that takes the sting out, that allows you to find forgiveness.  It is a process. This process of forgiveness takes place over time, in tiers, of you will.

I experienced physical, verbal, and emotional trauma in my early years, and I grew up angry/livid and bitter about it. I refused to even consider forgiveness; I lived my life as a victim, filled with self-pity. To numb the sting of my feelings, I drank for 26 years. When I finally was an absolute emotional mess, I gave up the fight and became sober.

Through my sobriety, I became, after about two years, to look at forgiving. Actually, this is how it happened…

Soon after I became sober, I was doing a self-appraisal, looking at the relationships I had had with men over the years. What I remembered was getting drunk and yelling at them that they were worthless, would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to recall this, and felt badly that I denigrated their spirit, their soul, in such a way. Then I realized I did not mean that of them; I said it because I was lashing out in desperation with thoughts I had for myself. i.e., I thought I was worthless.

Then a while later, I began to wonder if the person who told me I was worthless actually meant these words about himself, and perhaps he, too, was lashing out at me in desperation. A light bulb went off as I began to consider this. It opened the door ever-so-much to be able to consider this person as a wounded soul.

When I was able to see him in this manner, I felt badly for him because I knew how horrible it felt to feel worthless about myself, and I assumed he felt the same way about himself at the time he said it to me. I began to have compassion for this wounded soul.

Over time, I was able to see his behaviors and treatment of me as merely an expression of how badly he felt about himself. Over a period of a couple of years, I was able to offer forgiveness to him.

This is how forgiveness came about for me. For you, I invite you to consider the following as a method of forgiveness:

  • consider whether you have ever done the same thing that was done to you that you cannot forgive for;
  • if you have, own your behavior, An apology may be in order;
  • if you haven’t, then look at the other person as a wounded person, unable to help themselves for what they did;
  • have compassion for this wounded individual, knowing how fallible and fragile they were;
  • allow the chains that bind your heart to slip away over time, as you continue to apply more compassion for a fellow human who is themselves scarred.

Try this out and let me know if you were able to find forgiveness by leaving a comment.

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The Power of Forgiveness

May 11, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Tiers of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a powerful tool to use to get you closer to living your dream. Once you learn to forgive, you will find that you have more energy to devote to it.

How do you know that you need to forgive? If you hold grudges or are bitter toward another, you are a candidate for learning forgiveness.

Grudges and bitterness rob you of a great deal of energy. Rather than expending it on your resentments, you will be freed up to devote that same energy to your dream.

Furthermore, because the energy you now have will be positive, you will move more quickly through the process to fulfill your dream and reach peace.

You see, the main reason you are learning to live your dream is so that your soul will be in synch with your purpose, and you will know peace as a result. 

I explain in greater detail the process of forgiveness in my article which you get when you opt-in to my website, or in other words, when you leave your email. I will be setting this up next week, so feel free to return and leave your email.

The article talks about the effect that lack of forgiveness produces, as well as how I achieved it from a life of bitterness and misery. I then give the specific actions to follow that will lead you, too, to forgiveness.

Basically, it involves six stages:

  • Identify the person against whom you are bitter and holding a grudge.
  • Feel in your heart how they have wronged you. Feel the hurt beneath these feelings, maybe confusion over betrayal…
  • Offer yourself compassion, a wounded person in need of comfort.
  • Consider that this person is and was a wounded person, whose wounds led them to the action they took against you.
  • See that person with compassion, just as you would any wounded person.
  • Allow the resentment to melt away a little at a time until you can forgive.

You may find yourself  re-visitng old issues, and this is okay. They are being brought up for you to look at so you can heal. Try to sit with them without self-medicating or escaping them. Once you apply compassion, they will begin to resolve.

Today, ferret out the grudges and resentments you hold against others, as well as yourself. Follow the process I have outlined above and see if you can get a bit of the resentment to melt away. Keep doing that process until you have achieved forgiveness.

What is it like for you to forgive? What does it feel like?

 

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How I Found the Gift of Forgiveness

November 22, 2011 by Leave a Comment

There was a definite advantage for me in finding the gift of forgiveness. It is a gift for you, as it frees your heart of the resentment, anger, and hurt which you harbor. When you forgive, it adds a great deal of inner peace to your life.

According to Webster, to forgive is to give up resentment and the desire to punish someone, to pardon them, to overlook one’s transgressions. This is not to say you condone what another has done. Yet, you give up the need to punish them with your silence, or scorn, or anger.

Finding the Gift of Forgiveness

Tiers of Forgiveness

Forgiveness for me happened in tiers. And it involved many years of tears. There was a period of years in my life when I endured much physical and verbal abuse; the details are not important.

What is noteworthy is that I was told repeatedly during those years that I was worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. Needless to say, I started to feel very worthless.

I went on with life, resenting this person who had bestowed the extreme physical and emotional hurt upon me. I seethed inside. I made snide comments to punish them, or withheld my love and attention as a way to further punish. 

Then I became sober. I had to look at what was done without having alcohol to numb the pain, and it was excruciating to do so. I did it because I had no choice but to go through the pain if I wanted to heal. And I wanted desperately to heal. 

I was doing a self-appraisal one day, looking at all my relationships with men that I had had over the years. I realized that for each of them, I would get drunk and scream at them how worthless they were, that they were no good, and would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember and to admit this to myself! What a horrible thing to have said! I realized I did not mean it, that I was feeling those things about myself, and just took out my anguish on them.

Suddenly, I wondered if the person who said those things to me felt the same way – felt worthless and no good about themselves, and that is why they screamed those words at me.  I saw myself with compassion, knowing what extreme pain I was in at the time. This allowed me to believe that the person who abused me was also in great pain at the time, and I was able to feel compassion for them, also.

This didn’t excuse my behavior, and I have since apologized to these men, but the psychological and spiritual damage was done. Yet, by acknowledging how I said these things, and applying compassion to both myself and the person who abused me, I was able to forgive myself, and the person who had said them to me. Years of anger and  resentment slipped away. I have since gained peace from years of abuse. 

What are the ways in which you are withholding forgiveness? Is it getting in the way of your peace of mind? Tomorrow we will look at ways you can learn to offer forgiveness, so you can gain peace, too.

 

 

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The Process of Forgiveness

April 27, 2011 by 6 Comments

Thank you, Sherry Gaba, for your wonderful post. We had a lot of veiwers reading it.

Today, I wish to continue with the topics in the book, which brings us to forgiveness. This photo is entitled Tiers of Forgiveness, because, in my experience, forgiving is a process that occurs over time, in layers. It could be referred to as the process of forgiveness.

Sherry’s post is a good lead-in to forgiveness, as the ability to forgive is an ideal end- point when we deal with resentment. When we have identified the object of our resentment and have worked through it, we are ready to gain peace through forgiveness – peace with ourselves and, hopefully, peace with the other person(s). There is great freedom in forgiveness.

So, we have identified the person with whom we have a resentment, and we begin the process of looking at ourselves – our behavior and actions, our words and thoughts, and we accept responsibility for these. By that, I mean we hold ourselves accountable, make any amends necessary, which includes to ourselves, if we have treated ourselves badly. We “own up” to our bad behavior and compliment ourselves on the good.

It has been my experience that when I do such an appraisal, I see that, often, I have done the very thing for which I am angry at another. How can I be angry at someone, when I have done the very thing that brings me anger? I soften, recognizing our humanness, our woundedness, and I feel compassion, both for myself and the person I resented. Suddenly, the resentment has diminished. Done over time, this method is the process of forgiveness and can lead to peace. At least, that is what I have experienced.

Deciding to forgive is is a difficult decision to make. For me, it meant backing down from that stance which allowed me to be self-righteous, and, frankly, to play the victim. I believe I played that role in an effort to hurt and perhaps punish, the person I felt had wronged me. I find that I no longer need that role, and, again, life has been freer, and I have enjoyed a closer relationship with those I forgave.

If you went through the process of forgiveness, what improvements have you seen in your relations with others? Have you experienced peace as a result of forgiveness?

 

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At A Crossroads

December 9, 2010 by 6 Comments

Good morning. We are at a crossroads. We have completed all the topics in the book. I will start over with fear and progress through the book again. And I am requesting your help.

The whole idea of this blog is to acquaint you with my book’s topics, which go from fear, worthlessness, and despair through self-awareness and discovery, to joy and peace. I can do this in one of four ways and would like you to tell me what you, as the readers, would like to see.

I can: 1) go through the topics again and talk about how I learned and grew from them. 2) I can talk in the “we” voice, about how each of these topics relate to us in general, in my observation. 3) I can talk about sobriety and what I have experienced and learned about each topic while sober. 4) I can intersperse my writing with video. Just bear in mind, I am much better writing then when in front of a camera.

Those are my options. I would love to take this blog in the direction which you would like to see. Please provide me feedback. It would be most helpful. Please include if you would like to continue to see the picture associated with each topic. Thank you!

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