despair • Creating Peace Through Forgiveness

Using Gratitude in Dealing with Despair

April 22, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, everyone! It is the wee, wee hours of the morning and I popped awake, so here I am. I wish for you each an insightful day, filled with many moments of gratitude.

Face of Despair

I wanted to address the person who searched for “dealing with despair.” Let me begin by saying that I know what it is like to live in despair, to be filled with it. When I was about five years into sobriety, I was so filled with despair that I was praying to die. I knew of no other way to deal with my despair than to exit this world. I was like the image to the left – wailing, covering up my eyes and just wailing.

I remember those days, and want to say I know how debilitating they are. My heart goes out to those of you who are feeling despair. I also want to say that there is a way out of it; there is something you can do to minimize your despair.

I am not one for saying “fake it till you make it,” or “act as if.” I believe that not being with what you are feeling is detrimental. However, there comes a time when you can make the choice to move through your despair to something else.

To get out of despair, using gratitude is a powerful thing. You may not be grateful for anything in your life, nor see how you can be. Yet, gratitude is a great anecdote for despair.

Try this… be grateful for at least one thing today. Is it your sight, your hearing for which you are grateful? Are you grateful that you can see the beautiful flower in that garden, or hear the birds sing? Whatever that one thing is that you are grateful for, focus on it until you are really, truly appreciative that it is in your life.

Can’t find anything for which to be grateful? Use my example; be grateful for your sight, your hearing. Take your attention off of your despair and focus on the gratitude you have for that one thing. Allow that feeling to consume you throughout the day. Revisit it again and again.

Helping others to see their world with new eyes is what I do in my coaching practice. If you are having difficulty being grateful and would like some assistance to get there, please call for a free 30 minute discovery session. We will discover together what you want from your life and the blocks you are experiencing that keep you from getting what you want. Simply call me at 415-883-8325.

As you go through the day, make an effort to find gratitude for one thing, just one, and focus on it throughout the day. Use gratitude to deal with your despair and let us know how that went for you by leaving a comment.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: being grateful, dealing with despair, despair, grateful, gratitude

Feelings of Giving Up

April 17, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and happy day to each of you! I am compelled to speak to the person who expressed “feelings of giving up.” I remember being in that state where all I could do was pray to die because I was experiencing feelings of giving up. It was s such a place of despair that I want to speak to the person who searched for it.

The reason I am so much wanting to speak to them is because I want to relay there is hope. It gets better – it really does. In fact, there are things you can do which will make it get better, which can get you out of the place where you have feelings of giving up.

One thing you can do is begin to identify the one thing that lights you up. This could be the simple beauty of a flower, or seeing a child laugh. I blogged yesterday about this, so read yesterday’s blog. Find just one small thing that can make you smile in spite of yourself and your feelings of giving up. Focus on it and bring your thoughts back to it when you begin to have feelings of giving up.

The next thing you can do is become willing to look at things from a whole new angle, with new eyes. Resolve to have this willingness. If you can’t seem to become willing, ask the Universe for the willingness to be willing to have willingness. Just keep saying, Universe, please help me be willing to have willingness.

Next, think of how you can help another. Set aside your feelings of giving up for a brief time, and do something nice for someone else. Help an elderly person in some way, or a homeless person. Set aside your feelings of giving up while you’re helping them and you’ll begin to feel better.

Now consider what the lesson is that you are being taught, for our darkest hours can be our greatest teachers if we allow them to be.

Give these suggestions a try and see if you do no begin to get through your feelings of giving up. I hope you are feeling less like giving up and more like you have value to others in the world.

If you would like help to get to a place of feeling better about things, I coach people to get past the feelings of giving up. Simply call me to schedule a free 30 minute discovery call. On that call we will discuss what it is you want from your life and how o go about getting it. Call 415-883-8325.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: being willing, despair, feelings of giving up, help, hopelessness, willing, Willingness

Easter – A Day of Rising Up by Finding Sobriety

March 31, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and Happy Easter to each of you! I wish for you a day of rising up, of being reborn in your life. For me, that rebirth happened after I found sobriety. By becoming sober, I became able to heal form past wounds, and to learn to forgive, to create forgiveness in my life.

Today, I want to address sobriety and then mention forgiveness…

Have you been beaten down so low in your life that you are in great despair, with little or no hope that things will get better? Are you drinking mass quantities to numb the pain and confusion you feel? There is a way out. It is one of sobriety.

Right now, today – a day of rising up – you can choose sobriety. You can choose another course for your life. It doesn’t have to be in shame that you do this – instead, you can be in great relief that you no longer have to drown your sorrows and feel miserable the next day. Ah yes, the hangovers. How I remember them well… getting up and not being able to function until the afternoon, going to get my hangover food – a burrito from Taco Bell or a thigh from Kentucky Fried Chicken – all so it would settle my queasy stomach and quell the sharp pain in my head.

Are you there yet? Wanting to give it all up? Then it is time for you to consider sobriety, to ask for help. There are many support groups around from which you can get assistance. All you have to do is look in your yellow pages, or google alcohol support groups. They are there to help you – right now. Follow that small voice in your heart that wants to be done, that small voice that urges you to ask for help. It will be the best thing you do for yourself in your life!

Once you find sobriety, after a while, you will learn how to create forgiveness in your life, of both others and yourself, and that is the most freeing and peaceful thing you can experience. It will make you glow, make you radiant. You do not want to miss this experience!

The thing about sobriety is, it allows you to heal from all the demons you chase away when you are drinking. Through sobriety, you create a life that is filled with freedom, with peace. But you have to start somewhere, so why not at the beginning and what better day than Easter?

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, emotional freedom, forgive, forgiveness, freedom, getting sober, how to forgive, how to get sober, peace, sobriety

Dealing with Despair

March 24, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Face of Despair

Good morning. I hope it is a day of brightness for each of you. Yet, judging from the search term of “dealing with despair,” which showed up three times, I suspect some of you are not feeling brightness in your lives. So today, I want to talk about a way out of despair.

See the image to the left? Can you see the little face, mouth open in a wail of despair, hands covering his eyes? It is from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, with the verse that says, “Can you hear my wail? Can I hear myself?”

What I meant by “Can I hear myself” was that often, we do not pay attention when we are in deep pain. We ignore it by stuffing it, by becoming incredibly busy, or by numbing the feelings with substances. Is this you?

STOP! Your soul is crying out to be acknowledged, wants you to pay attention to it, wants the opportunity to heal. When you feel those feelings of despair, stop. Become willing to write in a journal or notebook what you are feeling.

When writing, I suggest you print with your non-dominant hand. This will prompt all sorts of your deepest feelings to emerge onto the page; you’ll get to the bottom of your woes more quickly and easily. Try to stay with those feelings for at least 15 minutes at a time. When you can no longer deal with them, THEN get up and be active… do the dishes, take a walk, do something productive.

Then look at and consider what you have written about your despair. Consider how you want to feel instead. Write about that in detail… what would your life look like if you were not in despair? Vision it, write about it. Now, consider if there is an action you can take right now that will move you forward to that vision of how you want your life to be.

Focus on that one thing, that one action. Keep it simple. You will have to find one action you can take. Maybe you cannot do it in the moment, but you can do it today sometime, or tomorrow. Make a to-do list and put that action step on the list. Often, when we are being of use to someone else, our despair lessens, so you might consider an action step that involves doing something good for another.

On the other hand, we often forego our needs for the needs and desires of another, so you may need to focus on your needs and desires right now. Doing good for another can come after you have met your needs.

Now, take that action. Just take it, do it – that one simple thing. Once you have done it, sit and contemplate how you feel about yourself now, having done something good for yourself. Write about it, share about it with someone you trust not to steamroll you.

I am not suggesting this is easy, for it is not. It will take willingness on your part. AND, once you do it, you will reap the rewards and you will feel less despair and more peace in your heart.

Sit down and write today… now. Then take that action step.

If what I say resonates with you, move at the speed of instruction. : ) Write again and again about your despair, focusing on your vision and taking action. Let us know in a comment if things change for you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: despair, despairing, how to be willing, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, Willingness

Books to Read When You Are in Despair

March 3, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello again today. I’d like to list out the books I found especially helpful in my quest and thirst for inner peace. I hope you, too, find them to be useful to lift your despair.

The Invitation and The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Yesterday I Cried and In the Meantime by Iyanla VanZant, plus the meditation book by her, Until Today

It Will Never Happen to Me and Changing Course by Claudia Black, PhD

Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck

These books were all especially useful to me in my journey to wholeness. I hope they are useful to you. And there are more. If you are interested, feel free to email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com to get more information about how you can receive my books. I have a library of them I am giving away, so if you are interested, email me.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: despair, healing emotional pain

What to Do When You Despair

March 3, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning all! I am back on a brand new computer and will not be having crashes any more! Yay!! Thank each of you for continuing to visit while I was down, and my computer was at camp, getting new data imported from the dying one.

Face of Despair

I am drawn to the search term “what to do when you despair,” and would like to offer the image to the left to depict our wail when we are in despair. Do you see the face, the mouth opened in an utter wail? The hands covering the eyes, hiding tears being shed? This image is from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, which is available for purchase online under the “products” tab.

Ah, if you are in a place of despair, I feel with all my heart for your situation, having been there myself many times in the past. It is a place of utter pain, of inability to move forward… a place where one feels hopeless, feels that things cannot get better. For me, it was a place of giving up. It was the time that I start praying to God to let me die, because I was too afraid to kill myself, afraid I wold fail in the effort.

What do we do when we are in despair? Well, what worked for me was to discover a way in which I could use my despair to be useful to another person. It happened quite by accident, actually. I heard a man share at a meeting of my alcohol recovery support group, and he was suffering form the same despair I was feeling.

So, I went up to him and offered him the names of books I had read which were comforting to me, and I offered him the name of my therapist. He was so grateful, he almost started crying. After that happened, while I was walking to my car, I realized the things I was despairing about were the things which had been useful to him.

I had been of service to another simply by sharing of my despair and what I’d discovered that was comforting, even though this comfort did not sustain me. I suddenly realized that by taking action and sharing of the few simple things I had done, I was useful and in doing so, I felt worthwhile.

Boy, I suddenly had a purpose for my life… to share my story and small solutions with others so that they, too, could find comfort in small things. My despair left me at that moment of realization and it has never returned. That was in 2007.

So, what can you do when you despair? Well, take action. Any small step you can do to help another human being will do and you will begiin to see your life has a purpose, that YOU have a purpose! All it takes is a small revelation you have discovered. If you think hard enough about it, you will likely find one such comforting thing you have discovered and you can share it with another.

What action can you take today to be of service to another, based on one comforting thing you have learned? Have you read a book that was useful to you, or had a revelation about something in your life that brought you joy? Share that with someone else who is in despair and I almost guarantee you you will feel better about things. Allow that to be your “aha!” moment, when you can be useful to another.

What was your aha! moment that you shared with another? Leave a comment and share it with us.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: despair, recovery from alcoholism, sober, sobriety, what to do when you despair

Growing Beyond Despair

February 13, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Good morning. It is not quite dawn here at my home as I sit to write to you. Honestly, I do not know exactly what I want to write, other than to say I’d like to continue with positive words about despair and suggestions on how to grow past it.

Yesterday, I wrote about my experience with despair and how I got past it permanently. I invite you to read that article in addition to this. Today, let’s focus on the things you can do to work toward letting go of your despair, growing beyond it.

I believe that a solution lies in the doing of something for others, but I also believe that we can’t skip over the step of looking deeply at our pain. Most people do not do this, simply because it IS painful, but the rewards we reap by exploring are many-fold. Inner peace, freedom, serenity, are a few of the rewards and these are huge!

The two single-most things I found that we can do to grow beyond despair are to journal about our feelings, our past, and to read self-help books. For me, the self-help books gave me hope, gave explanation for my feelings. I read Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation and gained immense hope and deep understanding of my inner-most desires.

Then, Claudia Black’s books about the effects of abuse in our lives gave words to my feelings and helped me climb out of the hole of despair. After Claudia’s books came Alice Miller and John Bradshaw.

All of the books I read that helped me get through despair are sitting in two boxes here in my study and if you are interested in finding out what I have and reading them, I am happy to relay to you what I have and can send to you. Call me at 415-883-8325 if you’re interested in knowing more.

So, one way to get beyond despair is to read books that speak of hope. The other way is to write, and I suggest journaling with the non-dominant hand. If you are right-handed, teach yourself to print with your left hand, for example. The rewards are tremendous, as deep feelings will flow onto the page.

At first you may discover that the feelings that arise are too painful. If so, talk to someone you trust, or to a minister, or to a counselor. The point is to get help with them, but try to continue on. Research has shown that writing with the non-dominant hand uncovers deep creativity. I found it also uncovers deep feelings.

Be gentle with yourself as feelings surface. Do this exercise for a limited time each day at a pre-designated time of the day. Even five minutes is a great start. Eat well; exercise to release the tension that may arise. Don’t act upon what you discover, as what you are feeling now will change. It will morph into more of a peace eventually.

And I cannot stress enough to get help with what you discover.

I wish you well in your healing process and seriously, call me if you’re interested in getting access to my library of healing books. 415-883-8325. May you find peace in your journey as you learn to grow beyond despair. .

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, despairing, feelings of despair, how to find peace, how to grow beyond despair, inner peace, peace

Despair and Trauma

February 12, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hi, all! The day dawns bright and clear here in my home town of Novato, just 30 minutes north of San Francisco. It holds promise of peace for me and I hope for you also.

Yesterday’s search term really spoke to me. It was “despair and trauma” and it spoke to me because I experienced trauma that caused me great despair throughout my life as an adult. My upbringing was physically and verbally violent, traumatic for me, and throughout my adult life, I drank heavily to quell the feelings of despair I felt over the incidents I experienced.

Sometimes, I got drunk enough that I lost all self-control and found myself wailing over my despair. I would keen for hours until I was cried dry. Even in sobriety, I experienced despair over the issue that I saw no purpose in having had experienced the abuse I did; there was no purpose in it other than to make my life miserable.

Then one day, I had the opportunity to be useful to another person who was struggling, simply by relaying what had happened to me and what I had been doing to heal from it all. He was so grateful for the information, he almost started crying.

As I walked to my car, I started crying because I suddenly realized my upbringing had been of use. I was crying tears of realization, of joy. My background had been something that allowed me to connect to someone who was suffering, and I was able to have compassion for their plight.

If I never would have suffered as I did, I never would have been on the healing journey I was, and what I learned never would have been helpful to that man. See how my upbringing suddenly became useful to another? I did, and my despair disappeared and has not returned since that day about 6 years ago.

You, too, perhaps, can quiet your despair simply by letting your experience with trauma be known to someone else who is struggling. Then, share what you have done to heal from that despair, things that have been useful for you, things that have given you even a little bit of hope.

It is my hope that you discover, as I did, that your heart soars because you used your trauma and despair to be useful to another. It is my hope that you find peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, despair and traauma, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, trauma

Overcoming Hopelessness and Despair

February 5, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. May this be a pleasant and productive day for you all. Today, there were numerous searches for issues related to hopelessness and despair, so that is what I will address today.

There are no two things that are so emotionally draining as hopelessness and despair. And once we are feeling these, we feel physically drained as well. We are chronically depressed, and have no energy or desire to do anything. At least, that is how it was for me.

For me, there was a feeling that things could not and would not get better. That hopelessness and despair touched everything I tried to do, and I seemed to just keep failing. Soon, I gave up. I started praying to die because I was too afraid to kill myself. The biggest thing I was despairing about was my background, the abuse, and feeling it was for no purpose in my life other than to make me miserable.

Then one day, something happened which took away the hopeless and despair in an instant. I was at a meeting where a man shared about his continued difficulties with his childhood issues. Hmmm, he sounded like he had a similar background as mine, so I went to talk to him after the meeting.

After I asked if he wanted to hear what I had to say, I relayed my story a little bit, and then started telling him about the things I was doing to try and get past the effects of the abuse. I told him about my therapist who was versed in 12-step programs as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) issues. He asked how to reach her and I told him.

Then I started talking about books I had read which had been very helpful in putting the puzzle together about my hopelessness and despair. John Bradshaw, Alice Miller, and the most helpful, Claudia Black. He was so grateful for this information he almost started crying.

As I walked to my car, I started crying as I realized there was a purpose for my abusive upbringiing. It was to have experienced it so I could relate to others and the hopelessness and despair they felt because of it, and then so I could relay how I was healing from it. And doing this was useful and helpful to others who were suffering from hopelessness and despair. Suddenly, the feelings went away, and I felt refreshed, lightened, alive.

To get past your feelings of hopelessness and despair, I suggest you consider all the things you have done that have helped you, even a tiny bit, to feel better. Then, seek out others who are dealing with what you are dealing with, and relay to them what has been working for you in your journey.

In other words, use your successes to build up someone else. Use your experiences to be of service to another who is suffering from hopelessness and despair. When you do this, your own hopelessness and despair will lessen.

Let us know if this has been helpful for you to be of service to another by leaving a comment. Thank you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: despair, hopeless, hopelessness, hopelessness and despair

Feelings of Despair and Hopelessness

January 11, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and welcome back. Today I will discuss despair and hopelessness, and how to get past them. This was a search term from the 6th. There have been minimal visits to this site since that day and I am confused why that is. If anyone can clue me in, I’d be most grateful.

I have addressed despair and hopelessness before, and I would like to expand upon what I have said. Despair is giving up all hope, or being without hope. Hopelessness is the feeling that things will not and cannot get better. It is a sense of futility about continuing one’s efforts.

When one is in this space, there is a feeling of giving up. At least, that’s how it was for me in 2005 when I felt huge despair and hopelessness. I prayed to God to let me die because I did not have the courage to commit suicide. But I truly wanted my life to end because I could not go on feeling these feelings.

God did not let me die, obviously, because here I am, writing about how to get past despair and hopelessness. For me, it was a process; it did not happen overnight. The first thing that happened was I allowed myself to be treated in the mental health system; I sought out help at someone’s recommendation and urging.

When I sought out emotional help, I discovered I had major depression. Although I fought it for some time, I finally allowed the doctor to put me on an anti-depression medication. Boy, what a difference that made in my spirits! I learned that I had most likely experienced brain changes because of the physical and verbal abuse I’d endured in early years, and that the medication allowed my brain to function more normally.

That was the first thing that happened to me. The second thing that happened was when I discovered how my past experiences were of use to another person who was suffering. In fact, I was only a few steps ahead of him in the healing process, but it was enough to relay to him what I had done up until that point, such as books I had read that were helpful, the name of my therapist, and the trick of journaling, printing actually, with my left, non-dominant hand.

When I journaled that way, all sorts of deep feelings arose, as did comforting words to soothe me. The words just appeared on the page. All I did was to be willing to accept some responsibility for my healing, and to follow up by journaling, taking medication, seeing my therapist and reading self-help books that dealt with being an abused child. (Claudia Black, John Bradshaw, and Alice Miller are three that were very important to me and brought me solace and relief.)

With these practices and actions, I was slowly able to crawl out of my despair and I began to have hope. All it took was a little bit of hope, and that grew as I continued doing the things I mentioned above. Today, I am a whole person, still on medication, no longer seeing a therapist, and I experience peace and joy on a daily basis. I am extremely hopeful in the present moment and for the future. Like I said, I am at peace.

You, too, can experience relief from your despair and hopelessness. The path I took may be beneficial for you, as it was for me. The key is willingness, being willing to take an active role in your attempts to crawl out of the quagmire, and then taking action to follow up. If you elect to do that, to recover from despair and hopelessness, I wish you every success in the world.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, despair and hopelessness, hopeless, hopelessness, how to find peace, peace, suicide

PTSD Despair – the Beginning

December 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, there were two searches for PTSD despair, most likely the same person, yet I want to address it today and relate it to sobriety. I am thinking that whoever searched, was referring to the despair they feel because of their PTSD. So, let’s address this.

PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. According to all the information I have read, and based on my personal experience with PTSD, it is comprised of three categories of symptoms:

re-experiencing the traumas through flashbacks, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts about the trauma;
avoidance symptoms such as feeling numb, strong guilt, depression, or worry, avoidance of people and places that remind of the event, losing interest in once-enjoyable activities; and
hyperarousal, being on edge, getting angry easily, being easily startled.

You may be dealing with these symptoms as a result of recent trauma, or even years after an event that was traumatic for you. Or, you may be a veteran, dealing with either the long-term effects, or from the effects of recently being in service. If you are dealing with these symptoms and have not been diagnosed with PTSD, I gently invite you to seek assistance from a qualified therapist or someone at a VA Medical Center. There is great strength and courage demonstrated in the act of asking for help. For those of you long-term sufferers getting help, good for you! I applaud your efforts.

From my own perspective about PTSD and despair, I was diagnosed with PTSD at the age of about 53, and had been dealing with it since childhood, as a result of the trauma I endured and witnessed. I experienced all of the above symptoms, and I easily went to depression and despair. When I say despair, I am referring to the feelings that nothing is okay, in fact, everything is useless and there is no purpose in living. There is no hope.

In my case, I got to the point that I was praying to die because I was too scared to commit suicide. My anger had long-since been turned inward and it appeared in my life as major depression. I was a walking mess, feeling emotionally aweful. Fueled by my bitterness and under-lying anger at just about everything, I drank heavily, which only added to the flames. I felt there was no purpose in the events of childhood that had led me to misery in life. I had no purpose in life, no reason to be living.

Can you relate? if you are dealing with PTSD despair. I am thinking you are at the very hopeless stage. If this is the case, my heart goes out to you because I know how badly it sucks. Please know, however, that there is another side, another possibility. There is hope.

Hope came for me in the form of EMDR, a rapid-eye movement that retrains the pathways in the brain to lessen the effects of the trauma. With three of these treatments, my symptoms began to decrease, and even though some despair remained, I could see that there were possibilities to get out of the hole I was in. The despair was resolved in an instant, however, when I experienced the power of helping another, being of service to another.

And I’m going to address that tomorrow, because this post got to be well over 1000 words, so I decided to make it into two blogs. Tomorrow when I join you, I will be sharing my experience with you in the hopes that you may gain something from it that is of use to you.

I wish to acknowledge your pain by saying, yes, it is a very difficult place to be. I feel for you. You have great courage to face it and I invite you to keep putting one step in front of the other, doing the next thing that comes along your path to do. Writing in a journal with stream-of-consciousness writing works well. That’s where you write whatever comes into your head, in whatever order. It is very cathartic.

Join me tomorrow for the conclusion of PTSD despair. Until then, remember, hang in there. You never know when things are going to change around suddenly. Don’t leave before the miracle.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despair about PTSD, PTSD, PTSD despair

Overcome Despair with Sobriety

November 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I haven’t done the rest of my grief work yet, so do not have the rest of the process to report on this morning. I will have it tomorrow. Meanwhile, let’s talk about the benefits of sobriety, for with sobriety, it is possible to overcome despair and feelings of worthlessness.

When I was in my drinking days, it was easy to keep being in despair and worthlessness because the drink fueled those feelings, kept me in self-pity and blaming others. Then when I started in sobriety, the fuel for that fire was gone. Suddenly, I had to look at the actual feelings behind my despair, my worthlessness. I had to feel the hurt at a very deep level. I had to be responsible for my own feelings… and it was difficult.

Yet, by keeping my sobriety intact, I was able to ease my way through the feelings. My sobriety allowed me to discover a place inside where I wanted to give to others. And when I wanted to give to others, I found my purpose in life. When I found my purpose in life, the despair left me. It was only by staying sober that I became able to get outside of myself and really care about another, really care about being of service to them. It’s actually a glorious place to be.

But if you are in despair or feeling worthless, you cannot imagine that place, I know. At least, I never would have been able to imagine that place. Trust me when I say that it may be obtained. It is possible. So, let me tell you how I got there and maybe you, then, can get there yourself.

My despair dissipated when I told my story to someone and it was useful to him. Recognizing that, I came to the realization that by telling my story and how I recovered from a horrible upbringing, horrible anger and bitterness, horrible grief, it might be useful to others so that they, too, could get through and past their horrible experiences, their resentments, their despair.

It took being in a state of sobriety, where I was “clear” enough to recognize this. It took being in sobriety to be able to get beyond myself so I could consider another, could be of service. I did this by being willing to be open to what came to me, by being willing to maintain and practice my sobriety.

How about you? How can you take what you have learned in sobriety and be useful to another with that information? How can you be of service from that deep place of knowingness that we discussed yesterday… that place of great worthiness. All you have to be is two steps ahead of the person to whom you are being of service.

Move forward in your day with awareness. Be conscious of the ways in which you can be of service to another. Look for how your story, your experiences and the healing you’ve done-to-date could be useful to another. Remember… you only need to be two steps ahead. Then make the decision to be of service, to be of use and take action. May you discover your purpose as a result of this process, and may you replace your despair with hope, with feelings of goodness.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despairing, how to get past despair, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Combatting Worthlessness and Feelings You Have No Value

October 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was taken aback by a search term… “I have no value.” My heart went out to the person who wrote this, in a state of worthlessness. Oh, it would be easy for me to say, yes, you do have value! But unless you believe that in your heart and soul about yourself, it is to no avail. I wish for you who believe you have no value, a turn-around in beliefs about yourself…

Two other search terms had to do with hopelessness. So, I want to write about feeling no value, and the worthlessness and hopelessness that those feelings generate.

I spent the majority of my life feeling I had no value, in a state of worthlessness. As a result, I felt a great deal of hopelessness A large part had to do with the fact that I was told by a parent every day that I was worthless… well, maybe every-other-day. The effect it had on me has been lasting, and I continue to struggle with it, even today… somedays.

My solution to stop the horror I felt over my worthlessness, having no value, was to drink… heavily… I started at age 22 and continued until age 48, at which time I got sober. Sobriety has been with me for close to twelve years and it has changed the way I see myself. Today, I see my value, my worth. It was a struggle to get to that point, so I understand you may be going through the same thing now. Take a deep breath…

When you are feeling worthless and of no value in the world, each day is an extreme effort… an effort to get up, to get dressed and to eat. Each activity becomes a dreaded chore. It is a challenge to live each day. There is no point in living, existing in this space of worthlessness and no value. If you are like I was, you are afraid to commit suicide and so you are praying to God to let you die. Deep breath….

What changed that around for me in about the fifth or sixth year of sobriety was finding my purpose in life. I had the opportunity to help someone out who was suffering emotionally. I did that by sharing my own story and how I had healed partially from my difficulties. The information I gave to the man was useful for him and he was grateful, so much so he almost started crying.

From that experience, I felt I had something to offer someone and I felt grand about being able to help him out… I felt a purpose by telling my story of physical, verbal, and emotional trauma early in life, and how I healed from the effects of it, how my sobriety helped that endeavor. You see, people are interested in you and your story when it involves something they can use in their life to make themselves feel better.

If you think about another… their difficulties, their struggles… and truly reach out to help, maybe by sharing what you have been through and how you came out the other side, you feel better about yourself and you begin to realize your value, for you and your story are of use to others and that gives you value. Just by being a human on the earth, you have value. Your lessons learned are of value to others. Take a deep breath…

To get out of myself, I had to first have a sense of who I was, what I felt about myself, so I identified my feelings of despair, anger, hurt and decided I wanted something different in my life or I WOULD die! So I looked at all the good things I had done with and in my life, and there were many that I’d kind of brushed aside, so I stopped and really considered them.

Like, I was a nurse and provided genuine, caring services to my patients for 22 years. No, I did not do direct patient care much of that time, and yes, I had an impact on the quality of people’s lives. I identified and felt my caring and compassionate nature and I gave myself credit for those things. I began to feel I may have some redeemable character traits.

The bottom line is, do some honest soul-searching, a deep look at yourself, and identify one thing about yourself that you do well. Revel in it and amaze yourself over that ability. Just be with it for a day or so… Take a deep breath…

Then go on to the next thing that amazes you about yourself. If you have to use what another has said about you to find something positive, then do that. The point is to see yourself in a positive light and to really look closely and gently at that. With great compassion for the little child that feels so badly about herself, himself. Smile for that child… give them some hope…

Continue the above exercise until you are seeing evidence of your value, your worth in the world. Let that settle into your heart. Just sit with that for days and days… Then move onto the next part, which I will talk about tomorrow….

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, hopeless, hopelessness, living sober, no value, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Dealing with Despair and Hopelessness

September 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Spaces of Courage

Good morning! I hope your day is off to a great start. The search terms that stood out for me yesterday were how to gain emotional strength when someone put you down and inspiration quote for hopelessness. So, hopelessness and a downgrading of one’s spirit. These lead into today’s topic of despair.

Hopelessness and despair often happen together. It is the feeling that nothing is worth it, that there is no point in continuing. You have reached the end of your rope and don’t know how to move forward. An assault on your character can sometimes lead you to hopelessness and despair.

How do you move past these? How do you regain a feeling of worth and goodness? The first thing to do is to just keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other, believing with some part of your heart that things will improve. and actually, they will. I know that’s hard to believe, but read on.

For me, getting past this hopelessness and despair happened when I learned what my life’s purpose was. I discovered that my purpose is to share my story from great despair and praying to die, to joy and peace, so that others might benefit from it. My purpose is to be of service. Perhaps that is yours also. Look at what you have suffered in your lifetime, and how that can be useful to another.

Perhaps the one thing that talks about the despair the most is my verse from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse is Spaces of Courage and it offers solace and a viable solution. I would like to share it with you today.

“We all hold feelings of hurt, disappointment, grief, and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.

“Perhaps, rather than cast the pain out of our heart or give it to another, it would be better to find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain gently, tenderly… with great compassion.

“If we find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps, we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal.”

This verse suggests to us that asking for spiritual assistance can help. I have found this to be true. I have discovered that when I feel these emotions, I can turn to my Source for comfort. Then, it is up to me to place one foot in front of the other and take some sort of action to further help myself. Usually, that action involves talking to someone else about my feelings.

You, too, can follow this formula when you are feeling despair and hopelessness. Connect with your Source for comfort and solace, then take action. Try asking for help from someone you trust. You’d be surprised how many people are wanting to help.

Beware, however, of those who wish to do nothing more than to tell you what to do. Find someone instead who will listen and show compassion for your feelings, who will relay what worked for them without pushing it on you. You will discover some relief when you do this.

Hopelessness and despair are difficult at best, yet, there is a way through them. Do not give up. Try what I suggest and see if that helps. I am hopeful it will.

The feelings we have discussed… fear, grief, and hopelessness/despair, are difficult and I hope the input I have provided will be of some use to you in opening the gates of your heart. Tomorrow, I shall start to deal with using the keys to unlock those gates. Until then… many blessings.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, hopelessness, opening the gates of your heart

Overcoming Despair in Sobriety

June 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Face of Despair

Perhaps the hardest thing we have to do is to overcome despair in sobriety. It is a most debilitating feeling, and if we are “down” enough, we might be feeling this despair.

Despair is a loss of hope. To be without hope is devastating, a bleakness beyond belief. Often, we drink heavily over our despair, and this only serves to compound it.

The sound of despair is that of a wail, a keening. If you have ever been there, then you know what I’m talking about. Have you ever been there? Are you there now?

If you are there now, there are things to do which may be helpful. At least, they helped me to dispel my despair in sobriety.

The first thing to do is to stay sober, no matter what, no matter how difficult the feeling of despair becomes. Then, what worked for me was journaling about those feelings. Brisk walks several times a day also helped, but often, we don’t have the energy for this.

It pays to understand why we are in despair, and that is what journaling can help to uncover. It also helps to get professional help from a therapist. At least, those actions worked for me.

But the thing that helped the most with my despair was to discover that my life had a purpose. Once I discovered that purpose, my despair went away and it has not returned. For me, discovering that I could help others by telling my story, combatted my despair. I discovered that my life of misery and woe and hardship was worthwhile because it could be of use to others.

Try to discover the purpose of your life. Do some journaling about it and see if something comes up about your purpose in life. Perhaps it is to share your art, or your words with the world. Or maybe your gift is to cook.

Whatever your gift is, find the one thing that makes you of service to others, the one thing you can bring to others to make their lives better. When you can figure this out, then you can overcome despair because you are being of use to another and that is a divine feeling, a divine purpose. You feel complete when you are being of service to others.

What is your gift that you can bring to others? How can you be of service in the world? When you figure this out, see if that doesn’t begin to rid you of hopelessness, of despair in sobriety…

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despair in sobriety, feelings of despair

Getting Past Sorrow and Despair

December 22, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. Today I will deal with getting past sorrow and despair. In the book, they are separate topics, yet, today I am combining them as they often go hand-in-hand.

Face of Despair

Sorrow is defined by Webster as a mental suffering or anguish caused by loss, disappointment, or regret. It can include grief, which is a more intense anguish related to a specific misfortune or disaster.

When experiencing sorrow and/or grief, one’s thoughts can get to those of despair, defined as being without hope, being hopeless. All of these emotions are quite debilitating and, in my case, were accompanied by depression.

Sorrow and despair left me with no will to live and, in fact, I was praying to God to let me die, as I felt there was no purpose to the pain I had endured during my life-time, that my experiences were just a torment to me.

When one feels these emotions, it is a common tendency to want to numb the feelings by drinking, eating, shopping, or various other activities that we do obsessively. This only enhances the sorrow and despair.

In my case, I felt the sorrow and despair into my sobriety, up until I was about five years sober. At that point, I had an experience that dispelled both of these emotions. I had the opportunity to discover my purpose in life, and I felt needed, valued, and that my experiences were valuable to others.

Quite by accident, I realized I could help others by relaying my story. Suddenly, my life had meaning and purpose. I no longer felt that deep hopelessness that is characteristic of despair. I no longer felt sorrow and grief over my life.

I was not able to do this alone. I sought counseling, took medication for my depression, and joined a support group to deal with my drinking issues. Then I set about the arduous and scary task of looking at my emotions and dealing with them. I started to take responsibility for my healing.

If you are feeling sorrow and grief from a loss of something or someone in your life, know that there are stages you will go through before you gain peace. Allow those stages occur; don’t fight them. Know that you are working your way to eventual peace.

It may be frightening for you to face your emotions; be gentle with yourself as you look. Most importantly, get help. Talk to someone – a trusted friend, clergy, a therapist.

As you deal with your sorrow and it lessens, despair will also diminish. Most of all, stick with it through the tough times, for your life has value to others in your world. We each have value in one way or another. It is up to you to discover what your value is. This will happen naturally as a result of dealing with these difficult emotions.

I wish you well as you deal with getting past sorrow and despair. Remember that your life has value. Know that eventually you will get to the bottom of your emotions and life will begin to turn around. Commit to yourself to stick with it, and ask for help from others and the divine forces of the Universe. Remember, you are working toward finding inner peace.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despairing, finding inner peace, grief, inner peace, loss grief, peace, Sorrow

Inspirational Quotes About Life and Hope

November 26, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Ray of Hope

One of the inspirational quotes about life and hope for today is, “A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.”

Another is, “You feel hope when you feel that what you want will happen.” That is Webster’s definition…

For you who is learning to love yourself and to overcome low self-esteem, depression, worthlessness, or despair, you begin to believe that you can overcome these things, that you can feel self-love.

Now that you have seen yourself with kindness and compassion, forgiven yourself and others, learned to have humility and willingness, and accepted yourself as you are, you realize that you have hope for better times, a better feeling about yourself and your life.

You have hope that you can move forward in life, that inner peace and happiness can be yours. Breathe in intention – to move forward in your life. Breathe out manifestation – you experience peace and happiness today.

All it takes is that little ray of hope that you see in the photograph, and soon the sun shines even more brightly across the bars of your being, dissolving doubt, washing away fear. You bathe in that ray and drink in the hope that it brings to your soul.

That’s right… go ahead and drink in hope, relish it, revel in it. Let it open your heart. Believe in yourself and let your light shine in your world and the world around you.

Can you feel that hope? Are you breathing in intention and breathing out manifestation? Let your soul be lightened and washed clear. Is your soul feeling more clear? It is my hope that it is. Now, have a peaceful and happy day as you bask in hope today… then tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next… one day at a time…

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, depression, despair, forgiveness, humility, inner peace, inspirational quotes about life, kindness, low self-esteem, Sober Living, Willingness, worthlessness

How to Combat Despair

November 5, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Face of Despair

Moving on through the book, our next topic is despair. This is kind of like all the rest rolled into one. It is the feeling that nothing is right with you and your life, nor will it ever be. It is the feeling that your life has no purpose. For me, it was the point at which I began to pray to God to let me die.

I had been in sobriety for five years, and I didn’t know why I wasn’t feeling better, but I wasn’t. It was like all that I had endured in my life was for naught. I saw no purpose to my life.

Then it got better. It happened one day when I was at a support group, listening to a man share about the very pain with which I had been dealing.

Afterwards, I talked to him for quite some time, relaying information I had learned, the authors I had read, which had helped me through the pain he was describing. I even was able to refer him to a psychotherapist.

He was so relieved and appreciative, he almost cried. As I walked to my car, I realized I had been useful to him, only because of the experiences I’d had in my life, because of the pain I had endured. I realized that my past DID have a purpose and that was to help others who were dealing with the pain of their past.

In an instant, my life had meaning, the pain of my experiences melted, as I saw why they had occurred, why God had allowed them to happen. I realized those experiences had happened so I could heal from them and then help others to heal from them by speaking up, by sharing my experience of healing. Just like that, my despair vanished, never to return in the six years since this occurred.

To you who is dealing with despair, my heart goes out to you, for I remember how excruciating it was. In the gentlest of ways, I suggest you try to make sense out of the experiences that are bringing you despair by finding a way to make that experience of use to another person. Just one.

Look at that pain, and see how you can help another who deals with that same pain. Find authors who have written about the same experiences you have endured and read them to get a deeper understanding of your situation.

Above all, don’t negate your pain. Allow yourself to feel it, and to grieve about it. The more you squelch it, the more it will haunt you. Numbing it out will just prolong it and make you miserable in the meantime. Conversely, the more you deal with it head on, the more quickly you will heal. Recognize and allow the five stages of grief that I blogged about yesterday.

If you find just one person with whom you can share your steps to healing, you may feel what I felt – that your life has purpose. Once you feel your life has purpose, it becomes easier to continue, one step at a time. I wish you well on your journey of healing.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, grief, healiing emaotional pain

Inspirational Sayings About Love

June 25, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Acknowledgment of Others

At long last, I return to the blog. I took the last topic of patience and really put it to the test. Perhaps I have lost some of you… that is my fear. If not, thank you for your patience. It’s appropriate that today’s topic is acknowledgment, as I wish to acknowledge my lack of writing for almost a month.

I was in Pennsylvania from the end of May until June 6th. Since my return, I have been unable to sit down and write. I have had trouble getting back into my work routine, period. I have taken three weeks to pull together documentation for an application to a health care program. In the process, I learned to do a profit and loss statement for my business, so it turned out to be positive.

As a review, what we are doing with this blog is this: In my blog, I write on the topics that are in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, in the order in which they appear in the book. We are going from fear, worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through discovery and awareness, to lessons learned about how to treat ourselves and others. Finally, we reach joy and peace. It is a chronicle of my own journey from the depths of despair and praying to die, to wholeness and happiness, joy and peace. I’m glad you’re joining me on the journey.

I have to acknowledge that one reason I have procrastinated is because I am uncomfortable writing the blog using my new keyword phrases, inspirational sayings about…, inspirational quotes about… Sometimes, they just don’t fit. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable using them from blog to blog. I am concerned about what you, the reader, will think. Will you get impatient with it? I have to get past that as I am on page 1 in Google because of using those keywords and phrases. This reaches a large segment of people with which I would like to connect. So please have patience with me as I continue this practice.

On with acknowledgment… In the book, there are inspirational sayings about love, about how we can show love by acknowledging others. “We go within so we can reach out to others, and we reach out to others so we can go within,” is one such example. “We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves,” is another. I think it’s important to acknowledge another… a smile to one on the street, a clerk waiting on a customer, a response to a loved one when they are talking. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated, but it is so important to show love and respect to others, and this is one way to do that.

In our, perhaps, haste to acknowledge others, we sometimes forget to show the same love and respect to ourselves. We brush aside our hurts, our pains, and do not take the time to feel them, grieving for what it is we have lost, giving importance to our feelings. They are not wrong, they are just what is. Once we can experience them, acknowledge them, we can heal from them, and gain the higher benefit from the experience. I think, too, that once we share what we are feeling, it makes us more human to others. We can all relate and connect at that place of hurt, as we have all experienced it. It is a part of living, a part of being human.

We can watch ourselves, as we go through our days, giving acknowledgment to others, remembering to offer it to ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts. We can remember to acknowledge ourselves when paid a compliment, also. So often, perhaps, embarrassed, or not feeling worthy, we brush it off. Does that not negate the other person’s thoughts and feelings, showing them disrespect? Does that not belittle our strengths and who we are? Just some thoughts on quotes about life…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, fear, Gate Lady Publishing, grief, inspirational quotes about life, inspirational sayings, joy, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sorrow, worthlessness

Learn to be Patient and Wait For the Evolution of Life

May 28, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Inspirational Story about Patience
Early in sobriety, I was encouraged to learn the art of patience, to watch and wait for the evolution of life without forcing it. How does one do that who has raced around and forced everything their whole life ? How do I learn to be patient? I was at a loss to know.

Like the patina’s growth on the gate, we’re asked to be patient while it forms. In this case, we’re asked to slow down, to patiently watch and wait as life unfolds. That is not to say we lay idle. Oh, no. We are still asked to take action on those things which come across our path that we are intended to do, that feed our soul. But then we must let go and let life unfold.

How can we take action while we still wait for the evolution of life? The point it, we do take the action, and then we turn our attention to something else, to the next thing that has crossed our path. We wait to see the results of our labor, but we don’t stop our lives while we wait. Eventually, life has a way of working itself out, if we can be patient while that occurs.

Sometimes, we may believe that our efforts in one area have been fruitless. Sometimes, it takes days, or even years, for a result of our efforts to be known. Do not be discouraged or go into despair during these times when patience is needed. Know that life will work out to our betterment, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Let it roll off the moments of time in a natural way. Practice patience while that happens.

How do we know when we are being patient? It’s a feeling in our being. It is one of quietness, gentleness. Angst and worry are absent. We can let the results go, without getting wigged out, without that tight feeling in our gut. We know we are being patient about our lives when we can turn our attention to our next endeavor, without angst or regret or wondering.

Do you display patinece while you’re waiting for the evolution of life?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the award-winning author, photographer, and publisher of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. If you are celebrating a transitional journey you have navigated, if you would like to embark upon such a journey, or if you are in the middle of one and struggling, you will find yourself in the book’s pages. You will want to experience in your own journey what Carolyn has experienced in hers. This book uses a collection of inspirational sayings and quotes about life, which, when coupled with photographs of wrought-iron gates, shows one soul’s way to inner peace. Carolyn resides in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she lives with her feral cat, Izzy.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, evolution of life, Gate Lady Publishing, inspirational sayings, Opening the Gates of the Heart, quotes about life, Sober Living, sobriety

Doubt

January 21, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 9 Comments

Shadows of Doubt

“I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.”

This describes what goes on inside of myself when I am in doubt. For me, it takes the form of doubt of self and then doubt in a higher power. I am struggliing right now with both of these issues, so let’s look at them further.

When I take action and that action is continually met with a closed door, i.e., things do not work out smoothly and easily, I begin to doubt that I am on the right track. Then I lose confidence in myself and slip into discouragement, and, if bad enough, despair.

I am dealing with discouragement about why people do not seem interested in my book. Requests to have it reviewed and to get newspaper coverage have been met with silence. Bookstores seem disinterested. The danger is that I lose my enthusiasm to present the book to the public. That enthusiasm is momentarily displaced…

How does one deal with doubt? Perhaps talking with a higher power is helpful for some. When one questions that such a power exists, it makes it more difficult. That is the current case for me. So, what to do?

Personally, I keep taking action, baby steps, doing the things I can do to move the book along that do not require speaking with others, such as creating a power point presentation. I look at the things that are going right, like being scheduled for two reading/signing events out-of-state. I focus on my gratitude for those two events, and soon, my attitude is changed and I am able to approach others with enthusiasm.

This is how it works for me. How about you?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, doubt, gratitude, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Experience Grace

August 31, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Sweep of Grace

Grace is a state of being that sweeps down upon us. It is an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure that gently and quietly is bestowed upon us.

When do we know we’re in grace? Perhaps it is having that great sense of knowingness inside that lets us know we are experiencing grace. There is a quietness to that feeling, where everything else tunes itself out and we are left with a deep smile in our soul. Everything falls nicely and easily into place, without needing to push on our part; it only requires us to take action. Then we let go of the results and more to the next thing which needs our attention.

How do we reach grace? We practice the principles of living which we have discussed… such as tolerance, respect, gentleness, kindness, compassion… We show these things for others, as well as for ourselves. To get to the place where we are able to do that, we look at ourselves – our actions, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs – and we do a self-appraisal of these things, looking at the things which block us from being a more loving person… to others and to ourselves.

We look honestly, even if it hurts, even if it is embarrassing. And when we do, we take action to correct those thoughts and actions to be a kindlier person; by doing this, we experience grace. What does grace look in your life when you experience it?

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Author statement: It is my intent in bringing you this blog, to acquaint you with the topics in my book. I present them in the blog in the same order in which they appear in the book. The sequence of topics reflects my own healing journey in sobriety, from deep despair and feeling worthless, to joy and peace. I hope you find in these pages that which you seek.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, despair, feeling worthless, inspirational posters, joy, kindness, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, respect, self-appraisal, tolerance

Are You Being Honest With Others?

August 1, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 11 Comments

Welds of Honesty

Oh, my goodness. I have not written since July 19th! I apologize for the delay. I was out-of-town at my 40th high school reunion and have been debriefing since my return late on the 27th. Going back to my reunion reminded me of how closed I was in earlier days, how I was not honest with others about who I was inside, how I didn’t even KNOW who I was. This thought leads me into today’s topic from the book, which is about being honest with others about who you are.

The verse in the book that goes with this image talks about looking inside to see who one is, then deciding to honestly show others what is found. When doing a self-appraisal, however, perhaps we dwell on the negative and are not able to identify our positive points. We are linked to a negative perception of ourselves.

When we can identify the delightful things about ourselves that make us the unique contribution to the fabric of our world that we are, can we then let people see that side of us, see our strengths and skills, our joys and sorrows? Identifying these things about ourselves may be difficult for some; yet, we each have positive and delightful traits and characteristics, we each slide along the continuum of feelings.

Perhaps, once in touch with who we are, we can share such things as joy, gratitude, sorrow, and despair. There is a closeness with others when one begins to share of themself in this way. The others, in turn, reveal more of themselves and these people connect on a deeper level.

It is important to trust the persons to whom we open up. It would be easier to convey the exhilarating emotions than the grieving ones. Yet, when we act beyond our fear of exposing ourselves and our truths, beyond the fear of being vulnerable, we experience that closeness with others. It generates more joy and more gratitude, as well as more love , kindness, tolerance, and respect.

This is not to say that all persons are trustworthy of our revealings. One must discern that another is safe to talk with. It would not be advisable, for example, to share with one who treats our thoughts and feelings with disregard and abuse, as that wounds our soul.

Do you experience this type of honesty with others? What is that like for you?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers hope to the soul in the corner who struggles. Perhaps there is a bit of a struggling soul in each of us. Perhaps we each could benefit from the journey she shares. View the additional information about the book to the right of this blog. Buy the book from her website and receive free shipping.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: being honest, Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, gratitude, honest, honesty, joy, kindness, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, Sorrow, tolerance

How to Surrender, to Let Go

June 23, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Surrender of Pretense

“It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me. It is time to let myself come out from behind my gates.”

This is the topic in the book which follows despair. Just a recap… we are blogging through the book, one topic at a time, as they appear in the book. The order of the topics reflects my own journey of healing, as I experienced these emotions or beliefs in this order.

Todays topic, surrender, or letting go, is a pivotal point at which things can begin to turn around. It is the point at which we open ourselves to the Universe, open ourselves to receive from the Universe. For some, it may feel like giving up in despair. This does not have to be the case, however.

How does one give up, without it feeling like despair and failure? It is helpful to adopt the attitude that the only thing we have control over is ourselves. Once we believe this, we can understand that all our fretting and worrying about the results of our actions are out of our hands, out of our control.

We can begin to see that our worrying or chasing the results we want are wasted energy, which could be better spent taking action. What does that mean? It means assessing every situation, looking at our part in the affair, determining if there is anything we can do, and then doing it – taking action.

Then, we let go of the results; we leave it up to the Universe. We turn our attention to the next thing in front of us to do. and we do it. Every time our thoughts return to that outcome for which we wait, we need to remind ourselves that we have turned that issue over, that we are allowing the Universe to bring us what we need, which may not be what we want. We have to be prepared for that.

Letting go, surrendering, becomes easier with time and practice. A benefit of turning things over is that we develop patience. Another is that we are not obsessing over the results for which we are looking.

This practice is extremely useful for those trying to keep sober, as well as for anyone who has trouble with trying to manage and control everything, trying to force things to happen. The practice of surrender leads to peace.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, hopeless, hopelessness, living cober, peace, sobriety, surrender

What To Do In The Face of Despair

June 22, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Face of Despair

Can anyone hear my wail? Can I hear myself?

The utter hopelessness about everything in one’s life. To be without hope that an expected result will occur. Not even seeing a glimmer… To be despondent. It is an awful feeling, that of despair, one which blocks the sunlight of Spirit.

How does one get there to begin with? Perhaps, there are underlying feelings of worthlessness, shame. One cannot see any point in living; death seems preferable to continuing. That’s the type of despair I’m talking about.

What do you do in the face of despair? How can you deal with it? Recognizing it is the first step. Then, as difficult as it is, allow yourself to feel that emotion, to be with it. Drinking over it numbs the pain and delays the inevitable – that of looking at what is behind it. Is it a low self-worth? Have you been shamed in your life and, thus, feel lots of shame?

Counseling to assist with feelings of despair can be very useful, if one has a counselor familiar with these emotions and how to deal with them. Talking to a trusted friend, relative, or clergyman could be quite beneficial, as long as they are not the type to give advice and try to “fix” you. A person in despair doesn’t need fixing. They need a way to heal from the issues that brought up the despair in the first place. That is why trying to identify what has led to the despair is important.

Perhaps there is underlying depression or other brain chemistry issues that need to be treated medically, with medication. Again, a reputable and savvy therapist can refer to a physician for evaluation.

Many times, one deals with these feelings by drinking, numbing them. This only delays inner work that must be done. In sobriety, one will find the courage to look at these feelings. Shopping and over-eating are also distractions and an avoidance of looking at the despair, and although a welcomed relief, these are simply other avoidance tactics. Distract yourself and then come back to look at the feeling.

If one does a self-inventory or appraisal, one may discover what is beneath the despair. Looking inside for the clues can be very fruitful. Once underlying issues are identified, one can turn to Spirit and ask for help with these beliefs about one’s self, one’s conditions, and/or talk to a therapist, trusted friend or clergyman.

Finding one thing in your life for which you can be grateful is another step you can take. This is extremely difficult, but when done, allows you to focus on something positive. Then, it becomes easier to find others things for which to be grateful. This attitude helps dispel the despair.

But the key lies in willingness to look at the feeling and the feelings and beliefs behind the despair. To honestly look at oneself and be with what one finds… that is the beginning of what to do in the face of despair.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, courage, despair, gratitude, honestty, shame, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Understanding Fear

June 5, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Webs of Fear

“I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.”

Fear. That emotion, that sense which warns us of danger, keeps us alert and in a fight or flight mode, when necessary. But fear can also be detrimental, can hold us back when moving ahead is in our best interest. In these situations, courage can be difficult to call forth, but it can be summoned to walk past the fear one is experiencing.

Fear can be paralyzing, keeping us from moving forward, from reaching our dreams, or even taking the first steps to reach our dream. Fear appears as concern that we will not be liked, that we are not good enough, that what we are doing is wrong. These fears often stem from low feeling of self-worth and feelings of being “less than.” As we strengthen our feelings of esteem and worthiness, these fears lessen.

False Evidence Appearing Real. Often, it is the anticipation of an upcoming event which takes us to fear. We imagine every negative thing that could occur, until soon, we have taken ourselves to great fear, sometimes to feelings of of impending doom. In these situations, we would do well to stop ourselves from imagining how an event will turn out and instead, open ourselves to the possibilities that can occur. This requires an attitude of openness, of willingness to see things in a new light, without anticipation. It requires that one be open to any outcome. One would do well to look within, rather than without, at that up-coming event, to locate any sources of unrest, of fear.

Understanding fear when it arises is useful, so one can choose how to handle it… Is it false evidence appearing real, or a truly dangerous situation? If we identify it is related to a low self-esteem, we can work on our beliefs and feelings about ourselves. If it arises out of the desire to follow a dream, one can summon courage and take the action anyway. Once we do this a few times, fear begins to recede. It becomes easier to call upon courage and to walk through the fear that arises.

To all of you new to my blog, allow me to acquaint you. We are blogging through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, topic by topic as they appear in the book. We are starting over today; we are at the beginning of the book. Join me as we travel the path from fear to hope to peace. Is that what you look for in your life? Peace?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, hope, peace, shame, worthlessness

Living With Serenity

May 27, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Serenity. That feeling of calmness, even amid storms. It is a prevailing attitude, one which overshadows and, thus, contributes to all other attitudes that follow. For me, it comes when I am in alignment with the powers of the Universe, that which is greater than myself. It is a realization that all is well, that I am being provided and cared for.

I got to serenity through the experiences and changes I’ve discussed in this blog. You have traveled through the book with me and read of the trials and tribulations associated with getting to this point.

Perhaps you related as we moved from worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through awareness to self-appraisal. Past forgiveness and on to principles such as compassion, tolerance, and gratitude until we have reached a point of joy and serenity. What a journey it has been.

As we finish the book, it is time to start over and I am putting out a “request for proposals.” When I go through the book again, is there any specific tack you would like me to take? My thought was to share about each topic in a general way, not relating to my own experiences. I welcome your thoughts. Please share them.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, compassion, despair, gratitude, joy, self-appraisal, serenity, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, tolerance, worthlessness

Living With Joy in Your Life

May 24, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Burst of Joy

“I pick up the thread, however fragile, of finding inner peace. As I do this, it leads to furthering my self-knowledge, my journey to peace of mind and freedom of heart.

I never thought this could happen. My heart bursts with joy!”

A burst of joy. That is how joy comes upon me… suddenly, without warning. I experience it when I see an older couple holding hands, or watching an elder and a young person learning from each other. Joy hits me in public, as I watch a parent bestow patient and kind discipline on a child. It finds me when someone tells me of an accomplishment for which they have strived. Rainbows and nature bring me joy, that deep feeling of great pleasure. It is the simple things that bring me joy.

This is all relatively new for me and started occurring after a few years of sobriety. I lived most of my life not experiencing joy. I was too wounded, too busy looking for things about which to be critical and judgmental. Too busy pitying myself.

I didn’t realize I was making a choice to see things critically or negatively instead of positively, but I did. I chose to look at the negative. Now, I look for the positive that an event holds. There most always is a positive somewhere and that is what I seek. Often, finding the positive can lead me to joy.

This doesn’t mean I ignore the negative; I don’t. I look that squarely in the face, conduct a self-appraisal to see how I am contributing to a situation, and adjust my behavior or thoughts according to what I find. I ask for help from those around me, as well as from a power greater than myself. I take action as needed, even if that is merely a conscious change of attitude. Using this method, I have been able to move past my fear, past feelings of worthlessness and sorrow, past despair.

I have been graced with the gift to see the pleasure, the joy, in many situations, using the method I have described. It works for me. How do you find joy? What brings you joy?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, fear, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, worthlessness

How to Access the Possibilities of Life

May 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Realm of Possibilities

“If I climb the steps, anything is possible. Anything.”

This gate caught my attention because it was flung open as far as it could go. The stairs welcomed me, beckoned me to climb amidst the intricate and pleasing stone work. I marveled at the retaining ability of the wall. I wondered what was at the top of the stairs, wondered what I would find if I climbed…

Interesting how, for me, this gate and those thoughts relate to life. The Universe welcomes me to join in and participate. There are pleasing sights everywhere I look. There are amazing examples of engineering and artwork, merged in purpose and design.

I wonder what is going to happen in my life… this summer, next week, tomorrow, this afternoon. I cannot see where the path will lead, and still, I am asked to trust. Isn’t that a lot like life?

Once I trust, once I become committed to the journey, committed to really observing what is around me, I see that the possibilities for action are endless. Whether it’s a change in attitude, a belief about myself or another, or taking action to further a goal, I find the day is filled with steps of action. If I climb those steps, I reach the horizon and all that the world has to offer. There is a realm of possibilities. Anything can happen. Anything. We never know. It may not happen today, but it may happen.

All I need to do is take action and leave the results up to the Universe. Sounds easy but at times it’s not. Taking action, for me, involves looking at myself and my actions/behaviors with honesty, choosing to be open-minded, open-hearted, and practicing willingness. It takes adding humility to the mix, as well as kindness and compassion for others AND for myself.

I must be willing to take these steps if I want to experience all that the Universe has to offer. I have learned how to do that in my healing journey, in my sobriety. I have discovered that when I do, there is a wide world of possibilities that exists. I wish for you to experience that in your life, also.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, compassion, despair, honesty, humility, kindness, living sober, open-mindedness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness, worthlessness

Respect the Rights of Others

April 1, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Respect of Individuality

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?

Why can we not celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, daring to stand out, to be unique, to be individual?”

To those of you new to my blog, allow me to explain what I am doing. I am working my way through my book, one titled photograph at a time. The photos are sequentially ordered to reflect my journey through the gates of despair to peace and joy.

We started with fear and despair, moved into awareness and through search of self. Today, as will be the next few images, we are dealing with ways in which we can treat ourselves and others better, with acknowledgment and respect; we’ll get to judgment and tolerance next.

The prose which is paired with this image was written early in my sobriety when I was dealing with my feelings associated with having been compared to my sisters all the years I was growing up. My accomplishments were never as good as theirs, never enough when compared to another. It was a major source of my low self-esteem and self-confidence.

I think that we could do a better job of respecting each other and the delightful parts that make us each who we are. It is these differences that weave the fabric of our lives, rich with texture.

I find that when I am open and respecting another, I learn, I grow, and the other person is encouraged to be themselves, to let their light shine. I think that to show respect for another is to show love for that person. I think we could do better at this.

I think the elder is worthy of respect for wisdom gained through years of experiencing life. I think people are deserving of respect for their cultural beliefs and practices. The young adult is worthy of respect for embarking on their journey. I think the child is worthy of respect for the new discoveries made of themselves and the world around them. I think all are worthy to have basic rights respected. What do you think?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, fear, respect, rights, self-awareness, Sober Living, sobriety

Feeling Hopelessness Change to Hope

March 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Ray of Hope

“A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.”

Hope- An expectation that a desire will be fulfilled. A wish, a dream, a thought, an idea, a creative concept, a prayer, a gratitude for that which has not yet happened. In sobriety, I developed such a habit that delivered me to better understand myself as a new being, unfettered by the chains of continual self-doubt manifested by my drinking. I became a new, positive being that integrated hope in my life as a necessary component…

Hope is faith in Source, or God, the expectation that He exists and cherishes my existence as much as I cherish His. Hope is that which allows me to fulfill the desire to create and allows God to guide my path along the way. Hope is waking up in the morning, stretching to see the dawn of day and having the expectation that God will fulfill the day with His presence around me.

It was not always this way for me. For many years into sobriety, I dealt with despair, sorrow, and hopelessness. It got to the point that I prayed to die, as I could not stand the pain any longer. Then one day, everything changed.

I was talking to a man, sober for 10 years, who was distraught over old childhood issues. He described feelings similar to those with which I had been dealing, feelings for which I had been doing a lot of healing work by reading and undergoing therapy. I relayed to him all that I had learned in my search for peace of mind.

He was so appreciative that he cried. I was humbled that my information had been useful to him. As I left and walked to my car, I was overwhelmed and began to cry. I began to realize that perhaps all of the experiences in my life with which I had struggled have been for the purpose of helping another heal from their wounds.

I began to feel that all the experiences of pain that I had endured were for the purpose of me healing and then for sharing how I have healed with those who approach me. In essence, it became about me telling my story. In an instant, I had hope about my life’s purpose and about myself. There was a reason for my pain. I asked God to ignore my prayers to die. Since that day, I have been telling my story in the hopes that it will be useful to another. That is one of the things which prompted this blog. Since that experience, I have been graced with hope every day.

How do you experience hope in your life? Or, are you dealing with hopelessness. I welcome your thoughts.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: anger, Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, Gate Lady, hope, hopelessness, living sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow

Commitment of Journey

January 25, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

commitment of journey “The gate stands open, beckoning me to climb.

Each step leads further in my journey, offering repeated opportunity to examine myself, my life – the leaves that have fallen, that leaves that will fall and the buds yet to form.

Once begun, I commit to the climb, for despite both rocky and smooth times that I will encounter, the journey’s reward is in each blossom and each leaf along the way.”

The second two stanzas were written in my journal a few years into sobriety. The gate showed up a couple of years later. To join the two, I wrote the first line after I discovered that this prose fit this image.

I never knew what a journey was. I did not hang around with people who spoke of their journey. All I knew was I was anxiously flitting from one activity to the next, looking for the one that would make me happy, bring me peace. It was always the end result which was my goal.

At some point in my sobriety, I slowed down and began to learn what a journey was. I became aware of how to examine myself, my life, and I began to write about this. I learned to slow down more, to notice the events and experiences that were occurring. I began to understand what people meant when they said that a journey is not a destination, but the process along the way.

Over the years, I have gone through a process of healing from emotions such as fear, sorrow, despair. The healing has allowed me to experience enjoyment of the process. I have learned, over time, to notice and appreciate “… each blossom and each leaf along the way,” along my path.

Sometimes the experience is difficult. It helps if I remember that there is a lesson to learn that I can use for my healing, my growth. I remember that the bad experience will move me forward to greater peace and joy, which I have experienced in my journey. Sometimes, I forget this…

Still, I commit to this journey, my journey, because I have experienced the rewards, the beauty in my life when the buds bloom.

What are the buds blooming in your life, along your journey?

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, Carolyn Jones Photographs, carolyncjjones, Commitment, despair, fear, Gate Lady, journey, sobriety, Sorrow

Birth of Awareness – Discovering the Divine

November 12, 2009 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Before moving on to awareness, I’d like to share what Michael J had to say about surrender… “Surrendering the ego is one of the biggest steps I took. I generally have to take it every day, right after seeking from within my love for the Beloved Self, forgiveness of the Self, and the best way to serve that Divine inside through daily acts of love outside.”

I thought this was beautiful and I wanted to share it with you. Thank you, Michael, for this most useful and thought-evoking point. I had forgotten about surrender of the ego, yet, it is an important part of the letting go process, getting out of my own way.

Moving on to today’s topic, birth of awareness, I’d like to start with my awareness of the Divine, to which Michael referred.

In the image, that little leaf you see in the opening of the gate is me, making the decision to walk through the gates of awareness. After experiencing fear, worthlessness, sorrow and despair, and after letting go of my pretenses that all was fine with me, I was led to develop awareness. There was no where else to go…

This happened for me several months before I got sober. Someone gave me the book “Conversations With God,” by Neale Donald Walsh, which I promptly ignored for several weeks. Eventually, however, I did read the book and became enthralled.

I came away from my reading with a sense that nothing that happens in the world is an accident, that God is constantly presenting opportunities and messages to us through the experiences we have, as well as through other people, songs, books, etc, etc. As I opened up my awareness to these things, I noticed them more and more and it became an ever-widening circle.

As time went on, I struggled with the God-concept, or the powers of the Universe, whatever you wish to call a higher power. But my awareness continued to grow and I could not argue the point that some force was at play in my life. I was led to books by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, author of “The Invitation” and Iyanla Van Zant, author of “Until Today” and received great solace in times of struggle. My belief continued to grow…

Please join me in my next post, when I will talk about developing inner and outer awareness.

Meanwhile, I welcome your comments about how you discovered the Divine in your life. Did you struggle? Did you always believe or did your awareness dawn slowly…

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, fear, Gate Lady, living sober, Sober Living, sobriety, surrender, worthlessness

Surrender of Pretense – Part Two

November 10, 2009 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Today I would like to continue the discussion about my surrender of pretense. In the last post, I spoke of the ways in which I used to hide behind my gates, and sometimes still do. In today’s post, I will talk about the incident that led me to my major surrender, what that felt like then and what surrender feels like today.

It was an unrequited love for which I had left my marriage that led me to my knees. I was positive with all my heart that the guy returned the feelings and when I found out in a most humiliating way that he did not, I was devastated. Suddenly, I found myself alone and I was terrified.

All I could do for the next three months was to drink and cry. I was not able to function, to care for myself. I experienced acute sorrow, despair, worthlessness and fear. Eventually, I gave up in utter defeat and despair. I had failed to manage my life.

Interestingly, once I gave up and stopped trying to handle life myself, things started to get better. It was like I opened the gate for the good forces of the Universe to enter. People showed up who helped me and gave me love and support. I was able to make the decision to quit drinking and, at my friend’s suggestion, we joined a support group.

Even in sobriety, however, to surrender felt like defeat, utter despair. It was not until about two years ago, when I was placed on medication, that my inner world changed when I was led to surrender.

First of all, I consciously practiced giving up, letting go of events and the direction in which they were going. I quit trying to manage people and situations.

Secondly, the more I did this consciously, the more it began to happen and the more I noticed the ease in which I was able to let go.

Today, I continually return to that conscious place of letting go of things. I purposefully turn things over to the Universe and let scenarios play out as they will. Sometimes, letting go is a struggle and I do not achieve it. Sometimes, I am able to notice that I have been graced with the ability to let go, to detach. Each time I do this, it becomes easier the next time, and then the next.

When I surrender now, I feel peace and joy. I am usually pleasantly surprised at the outcome of a situation, as it is better than what I had planned or had imagined.

How do you surrender in your life? What does surrender look like for you? I welcome your comments.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, Carolyn Jones Photographs, carolyncjjones, despair, fear, Gate Lady, gates, gates of the heart, living sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, surrender, surrendering to feelings, worthlessness

Surrender of Pretense – Part One

November 7, 2009 by Carolyn CJ Jones 18 Comments

“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced.

My heart dies, one piece at a time, behind a gate that rusts away.

I am no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind my gate of false bravado and politeness.

It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me.

It is time to let myself come out from behind my gate.”

This is the prose which accompanies Surrender of Pretense in the book. It describes how I lived my life, until I could no longer continue. Until I gave up my pretense that everything was fine with me, I spent a great deal of time showing the world a positive face, not talking about how I was dying inside, not even admitting it to myself. After-all, I wanted to be liked, wanted to avoid conflict at all costs.

It has taken a lot of work in my sobriety to come out from behind my rusted gate. Sometimes, I am not aware of what I am feeling and, therefore, cannot speak up about what is going on with me. Other times, I still keep quiet because I want to be liked and I want to avoid conflict. I am, however, beginning to slowly let people know who I am. For the most part, I have found that people are supportive of those efforts, as well as the self that I reveal.

Sometimes what I say has led to an uncomfortableness in a relationship, and yet, I continue to speak up, even though I am fearful to do so. I do it anyway. Eventually, the relationship is strengthened or it fades away. In either case, it is a good way to practice walking through the gate of my fear.

Sometimes, I continue to keep thoughts to myself, to hide what I truly think, who I truly am, as I believe it would be harmful to another to speak up. Sometimes, I continue to be too afraid to say something. There are those times, too, when I do not feel safe revealing who I am because to do so would invite verbal abuse and I am not willing to place myself in that situation.

In most situations, however, I am mastering coming out from behind my gate, being honest about who I am. It feels liberating and peaceful in my heart. I feels good to be true to myself, to show who I am and in what I believe.

Today’s post has dealt with the pretenses I have kept up, and continue to keep up. Next post, as we continue our journey, I will talk about the surrender I experienced initially and how that differs from the surrender I feel today.

How are the ways you continue to hide behind your gate? In what ways are you afraid to show others who you are? I invite and would love your comments.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: being true to oneself, Carolyn Jones, Carolyn Jones Photographs, carolyncjjones, despair, Gate Lady, gates, gates of the heart, living sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, surrender

Face of Despair – Five Ways To Dispel It

November 1, 2009 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

“Can anyone hear my wail? Can I hear myself?”

This is the prose that accompanies the image Face of Despair in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart. Welcome, as we journey through the book. You may like to discover the magic of the book by reading about its birth.

“To be without hope, to lose or give up hope,” is how Webster defines despair. I found this to be true every time I came to despair. I did not come willingly…

For me, despair was like falling off a cliff. It was a hard and difficult landing. I’d be walking along, functioning well and bam! I’d walk right off into the morass of despair – total and utter hopelessness. I was convinced I no longer wanted to live and prayed for my life to end because I could not stand it any longer. I became suicidal a couple of times. I became unable to function, listless. All I could while there was wail, literally.

Each and every time I went there and then recovered, I was bewildered about how I got there in the first place, about how suddenly it occurred, about how I just fell off the cliff.

What was my despair trying to tell me? I thought it was that life was worthless, that I was worthless. There was no use in continuing. Liquor intensified these feelings; once sober, I no longer had my numbing agent and so felt this emotion acutely. It was agonizing. Little did I know when it started just how rocky my journey would become before it got better.

I have not fallen into despair for almost two years now. I believe there are five reasons for that.

First and, perhaps, most importantly, a medication was prescribed in addition to my anti-depressive. This has had a major impact on my ability to stay free from despair.
I had a revelation. One day, I helped a man immensely, just by telling my story. I realized in a flash that perhaps my experiences in life and how I’ve dealt with them could be of use to another. So, I tell my story.
I took certain steps and did a lot of work on my issues of worthlessness.
I continued therapy to help me identify my feelings so I could learn how to think differently about myself.
I read a lot of self-help books about my issues, such as low self-worth.

These five things have made a huge impact on my despair. Today, I do not experience it. I find life beautiful and very worthwhile to be living. I look forward to each day, wondering what the day will hold in the way of experiences as my journey continues. It is a peaceful and joyful place to be and I am so very grateful for that.

Do you struggle with despair? How have you dealt with it?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, Carolyn Jones Photographs, carolyncjjones, despair, Gate Lady, hopelessness, living sober, self-help, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless

Feeling Worthless – 4 Steps to Moving On

October 22, 2009 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

I was going to move on from the topic of feeling worthless, and then got an email comment from a friend. He raised a valid point, which I would like to share with you.

First, however, I’d like to explain to those of you who are new to my blog what I am doing. I am walking through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart, topic by topic, as each appears in the book. There are forty-two topics or titles for the images. All together, they tell a story - that of my personal journey through the gates of despair to joy and peace.

Each title/topic deals with a common human emotion, a principle of living or a way to treat others and myself.

I have preceded the title/topic discussions with six posts about how the book was birthed. It’s quite an amazing story and will lend new awareness to the story as it unfolds.

The point which was brought to my attention was that the gate, Corner of Worthlessness, is down the street from the Gate of Denied Approval. He went on to say that when we did not receive approval or unconditional love, it is difficult to dispel those feelings of worthlessness which arise from that lack.

Even though some of us, as adults, have wrestled with those feelings, and resolved them, they tend to arise occasionally to haunt us. He felt I seemed to have licked this problem. And, to a large degree, I have.

I used to have huge self-worth problems, however, which is why it appears in my book as one of my emotions. Some days, I slide into that morass. Usually these days, though, I don’t feel worthless. How is that, you may ask? I went through a process whereby:

I first identify that I am feeling worthless. (It has taken years to learn that that is what I am feeling…)
I talk to someone about these feelings; I let them out instead of bottling them up.
I ask the Powers That Be, the Universe, to take these feelings from me.
And, I remain willing for this to happen.

These days, that happens; I am freed from the feelings of low self-worth. It took a long time for this to happen, however, as first my esteem had to strengthen, as did my confidence. Perhaps it happened like that so my continued feelings could be of use to someone else. I don’t know.

So, on to the next topic with the next post. Meanwhile, you can view the photos in Opening the Gates of the Heart here.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, esteem, feeling worthless, Gate Lady, gates of the heart. esteem, hopelessness, worthless, worthlessness

Webs of Fear

October 7, 2009 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Hello and welcome. Today I begin to walk through the book with you, sharing on each of the forty two topics and sometimes the prose. The topic will be the title of each image.

I invite you to join me as we move through my journey from despair to joy and peace. I invite you also to scroll back and read the tale about how the book was birthed. It is an awesome story.

“I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.” Webs of Fear, our first gate… Weaving webs was the only way I knew; breaking them down has been more difficult. It has involved, for me, the awareness of my fear and then walking through it with courage and faith. I do it even though I am still frightened.

There are so many forms of fear: justified fear, as when in a dangerous or unsafe situation, such as an armed robbery, fear for another’s safety and welfare, and self-absorbed fear, on which I’d like to focus.

For me, self-absorbed fear occurs when everything I fear relates to me somehow, that I will lose something I have or not get something I want. It is very “self” centered. It can be a nagging fear or full blown, so much so that I am unable to function, to move forward, to take action and I procrastinate.

What others call procrastination, I recognize as fear, although I have to remind myself of this when I procrastinate. When I am so fearful of doing something and the result is procrastination, I must really examine what the fear is that is holding me back.

Frequently, I find a lack of confidence because my self- esteem is low and under that is the belief that I am not good enough. Old stories, these are…

I do not find it helpful, as some do, to call myself lazy. That only reinforces my negative beliefs about myself. To raise my esteem, I nurture myself, pay attention to the fact that I am scared and then do something nice for myself and someone else.

Today I wandered through the topic of procrastination. Next time, more about fear and how it manifests, for me.

What are the webs that you weave? What is it about them that paralyzes you with fear?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions Tagged With: Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, fear, Gate Lady, peace, self-absorbed fear

Using Gratitude in Dealing with Despair

Feelings of Giving Up

Easter – A Day of Rising Up by Finding Sobriety

Dealing with Despair

Books to Read When You Are in Despair

What to Do When You Despair

Growing Beyond Despair

Despair and Trauma

Overcoming Hopelessness and Despair

Feelings of Despair and Hopelessness

PTSD Despair – the Beginning

Overcome Despair with Sobriety

Combatting Worthlessness and Feelings You Have No Value

Dealing with Despair and Hopelessness

Overcoming Despair in Sobriety

Getting Past Sorrow and Despair

Inspirational Quotes About Life and Hope

How to Combat Despair

Inspirational Sayings About Love

Learn to be Patient and Wait For the Evolution of Life

Doubt

Experience Grace

Are You Being Honest With Others?

How to Surrender, to Let Go

What To Do In The Face of Despair

Understanding Fear

Living With Serenity

Living With Joy in Your Life

How to Access the Possibilities of Life

Respect the Rights of Others

Feeling Hopelessness Change to Hope

Commitment of Journey

Birth of Awareness – Discovering the Divine

Surrender of Pretense – Part Two

Surrender of Pretense – Part One

Face of Despair – Five Ways To Dispel It

Feeling Worthless – 4 Steps to Moving On

Webs of Fear

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