Carolyn CJ Jones • Creating Peace Through Forgiveness

How to Show Gratitude When Life Is Difficult

May 16, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to you each and may you have a very happy day, filled with gratitude! That is our topic for today… gratitude. It was one of the search terms and I always can talk about it.

Gratitude is defined by Webster as a feeling of thankful appreciation for favors or benefits received. So, how does one show gratitude?

It’s all well and good when you are in a joyful mood, when things are going well for you. In those situations, gratitude is easy to demonstrate. It is easy to be grateful when life is going along well. Yu can merely sing the praises of everything around and in you that is joyous. But what about when the chips are down, when things are not so good in your life?

The thing about being grateful when life is difficult is that by showing a little gratitude, it expands into more, and the difficulties you are experiencing seem to minimize themselves.

What you focus on, you manifest. So, if you focus on something positive, positivity has a chance to show up. Gratitude is just that… focusing on something positive in your life. It can exist alongside of the negative that is happening. For example, “xyz” is bad right now, and, I am grateful for “abc.”

In my own life, things are slow in the speaking area. I don’t have any gigs planned and I need some. I am in the process of contacting all the local churches in the area, letting them know of my talk. No one has responded yet with a “yes.” Although somewhat discouraged by this, I am grateful there are so many churches in my area to whom I can reach out. I am grateful I have the time to contact them, grateful I have the time to work on my talk. That’s how gratitude is showing up in my life in relation to my speaking engagements.

How is it showing up for you in your life? What are you grateful for? Is life pretty tough right now and all you can show gratitude for is your sight, your hearing? Be grateful for those; start at that point and it will grow from there.

If you are struggling and can’t seem to get out of a quagmire, the feeling that you’re sinking, I invite you to make use of my coaching services. I have a coaching program that is six weeks long; it’s three sessions designed to jump-start you into positivity. Gratitude is simply one of the many things we discuss.

To access this program, I start with a free, 30-minute discovery phone call. It’s a way for you to verbalize what is happening in your life so you can feel supported in your difficulty. I leave you with one or more ways you can look at or do things differently so you can get relief. I also relay to you how we can continue to work together, if what I say resonates with you.

Simply call me at 415-8838325 to schedule your free discovery session. Or, you can email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com. Either way, I would be delighted to work with you so you can find relief.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions Tagged With: being grateful, Carolyn CJ Jones, coaching services, grateful, gratitude, how to be grateful

Are Inner Strength and Spirituality the Same Thing?

May 10, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you and welcome to another day! May it be a great one for you! I had an interesting search term this morning. It was “are inner strength and spirituality the same thing?” I want to speak to this today.

Spirituality is defined by Webster as being of spiritual nature and spiritual is defined as of the soul or spirit, sacred, devotional. It does not need to be connected to religion or the church to be considered spiritual. For example, I consider myself very spiritual, believing in a higher power that guides all that is, but I do not adhere to or practice any religion.

Inner strength I would describe as the strength of character, the strength that comes from within me to sustain a peaceful existence. I see, or consider, that my spirituality enhances and adds to my inner strength. When I am not feeling strong within, I pray to my higher power and I receive inner strength.

Given the way I am defining these two terms, spirituality and inner strength, I see them as two separate and distinct things, yet intertwined. I think that people who practice some form of spirituality have more inner strength, as they have more faith upon which to draw.

There are my thoughts on spirituality and inner strength. What are your thoughts on these? Are they the same or distinct? I invite you to leave a comment and let us know.

I want to let you know that I have a new video on my home page about my new free 3-module video course on finding inner peace through forgiveness. The video course consists of three tips on how to forgive. If you are struggling with lack of inner peace, head on over and get the videos. I believe they will benefit you for the rest of your life.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, finding inner peace, forgiveness, how to find forgiveness, how to find inner peace, how to forgive, inner peace, inner strength, spiritual, spiritual journey, spirituality

How to Deal with Sorrow and Grief

April 29, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to each of you! It is my wish that you each have a lovely day, filled with peace and joy. The term that was searched for three times is “how to deal with sorrow,” and I added “and grief.” So that is what I am going to speak about today… sorrow and grief.

If you’re in that space of sorrow and grief, I am sorry for your loss, whatever it might be, and I wish you well in your grieving process. The focus of my writing today is on how to get through your sorrow, your grief.

First of all, know that each of you dealing with these difficult emotions does so in your own way. Each of you deals with sorrow and grief the way you saw your parents and other adults deal with them when you were a child.

The messages we are often told as children, and as adults, are don’t feel bad, replace the loss, just give it time, be strong for others, and definitely grieve alone. So, in response to these messages, we hide our grief and sorrow, put on the face that all is okay; we shove it deep within. This does not serve you and, in fact, is damaging to your soul.

You are going to feel badly until you are ready to move on, and it is beneficial to you not to deny these feelings. To replace the loss is to avoid your feelings. Time heals, depending upon what you do with your time. If you sit and wallow in pity, you will not heal, but if you take action to get to a place of peace, the time will assist you.

Know that it is okay to show your feelings about your sorrow and grief, yet that will most likely make others feel uncomfortable. Express it to those people you trust, those who will not berate you for your feelings.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has defined five stages in the death and dying arena: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Know that you will experience these things and that they are perfectly normal. You will go back and forth among them; it is not probable that you will go in a straight order with them. The length of time you spend in each stage is totally unique to you and cannot be compared to another.

I’d like to stress not to compare your grieving process with anyone else’s, as yours is totally yours alone, depending upon what you observed while growing up.

Sorrow and grief can occur after a death of a loved one or a pet, after a move of any sort, after leaving a job, from loss of self-worth, or any time there is a loss. I highly recommend the book The Grief Recovery Handbook: The 20th Edition by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It contains valuable exercises to do to assist you through your process to heal from sorrow and grief.

Again, my condolences, and I wish you well on your journey through sorrow and grief.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, greiving process, grief, how to deal with sorrow, Sorrow

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 3

September 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

My van

To continue… I must say, I hope you stick with this post. It’s long and I really hated to do a part 4.

The first year and a half of getting sober was difficult, as my feelings were extremely raw and I had nothing with which to numb them. I did a LOT of writing. I took several brisk walks a day.

After several months of doing these things as well as going to 4-5 meetings a day, God brought me the old van I ws telling you about earlier, and I dove in, gutting it, redoing the plumbing and electrical systems in addition to all the woodworking. I designed the interior bulkhead walls and the bookshelves. This project was a life-saver. It eased the difficulty of getting sober and feeling all my emotions.

I left San Diego in the spring of 2002, and headed back to the Bay Area, where I got a job. Soon after, I fell and injured my right, dominant wrist, so much so that I could not write with that hand and started journaling with my non-dominant, left hand. All sorts of deep feelings welled up, out of nowhere.

In fact, some of what I wrote now appears in the book I wrote and photographed, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. In 2004, I discovered that the writings matched perfectly with some gate photos I had taken earlier in the year, describing their physical characteristics perfectly. I did not plan this; it just happened, which is why I believe my book was divinely created, guided.

Anyway, after returning to Marin and injuring myself in 2002, I could not deal with the weather that winter; the rain was blowing sideways and the van was leaking, getting my journals and books wet. I lost it and became suicidal. After reaching out to the crisis line and getting stabilized, I returned to San Diego and proceeded to receive treatment for my wrist injury.

Surgery was necessary, and I spent the next 3 years trying to find a place to live where I could be and not use my hand for a month following the surgery. It was going to be pretty extensive… First I went to Colorado and then to a friend’s home in Washington state, but these places did not work out and I found myself back in Marin in 2005, having surgery.

My emotional recovery continued, as I delved deeper into my psyche. I got assistance from a therapist. But I still was experiencing great, deep despair over my childhood. I felt the pain I had endured was for no purpose in my life, other than to make me miserable. That despair continued until one day, I discovered my purpose in life.

What I discovered was that my story, my abusive history, was of help to another when I talked about it and relayed how I had begun to heal from it. Suddenly, I saw the reason for the abuse. It was to help others by talking about my experience of healing so that they, too, could begin to recover from their abuse, their pain that they had endured. Suddenly I had purpose, my life had purpose.

After realizing my life’s purpose, my whole attitude and belief in myself changed, and I have not felt despair since that discovery, that day. In fact, my recovery has progressed to the point that I am stable and flourishing. Initially after surgery and for 2 years, I pulled together my book. Then I spent the next 2 years publishing and marketing it. It didn’t really take off, despite the fact that everyone who reads it, raves about it.

In 2008, I bought my humble little home in Marin, so now I am a long-term resident in a place that I love. An opportunity and calling came about, working with the Vietnam vets to help them through the suffering they still experience. What I have to offer today that I didn’t have 38 years ago is a way through grief, as well as how to get past anger and bitterness that is long-standing.

You see, I was finally able to forgive my parents for my upbringing. I carried that deep resentment around for 33 years, and am well-versed in how to forgive a long-time hurt. This is one of the major things I talk about when I work with the vets.

I conduct workshops now, as well as coach others. The topics are as I’ve discussed… grief recovery and forgiveness. I love my life and most of all, I love it when, after talking with someone, I see their eyes light up with hope after being sad and listless, void of all hope. That wonderful peace that I have found is something which I love to pass on… how to get there, how to look at the world and oneself with new eyes, 180 degrees from what one saw before.

You, too, can have a healing journey through all of your grief, your anger and bitterness, through all of your despair and hopelessness. It all starts by getting sober, giving up the drink for a kinder and softer way. Come join me. It is a wonderful life. Learn how to start on that path by coming to my workshop Finding Freedom In Forgiveness on National Forgiveness Day, October 27th. For more information and to register, go to http://findforgiveness.eventbrite.com.

If you are hurting enough, and you want something different in your life, then you are ready, perhaps, to embark upon a new journey. Reach out. Get help. You were not intended to do life alone in a vacuum, by yourself. It is a sign of strength and courage to reach out for a hand. There is love out there, brought to you by God’s countless angels. I wish for you to discover it.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, Nam Vets, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

Offer Yourself Compassion for Your Dream

May 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fields of Compassion

You may be afraid to follow your dream. If so, offer yourself compassion for the fear, for that (likely) small child receiving that wound – terrified.

Then give yourself some compassion for the wounds that caused the fear. Let yourself feel the hurt and pain that wound produced, using doses of compassion when it gets difficult to feel your feelings.

Offer it to yourself because you are wounded. You have been struck with a sliver to the heart and it has festered all these years, creating a barrier for love to flow in and out , back and forth between you and the world.

Compassion is your ability to feel sympathy or sorrow for another’s suffering, usually associated with a desire to help.

In this case, it is the sorrow your soul feels for the suffering you have had over the years. Have you been miserable emotionally, hiding that misery from others with things such as self-medicating, blaming others for it?

Know that you can admit to the feelings. In fact, it is better to acknowledge them, so you can feel and deal with them. Hopefully, you apologized to yourself for having the belief that you are alone in the world, for you are not. Know that there are people waiting to help and support you.

Back to “getting over it.” When you are told to just get over the pain and resentment, a disservice has just been done to you, and it is detrimental to your healing, in my humble opinion. Offer yourself compassion for that guilt you feel over the comment, for your thought that there is something wrong with you, that you “should” be able to get over “it,” whatever “it” is…

There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing your own timetable in your healing. This is assuming you are taking action to heal, as opposed to doing nothing and blaming.

It has been my experience that I needed to look at my emotions carefully. That was nearly impossible, as I couldn’t even identify them, let alone name them. It took longer for me than for other people.

At times, the people I would vent to were unavailable , either not present physically or emotionally. I cannot blame them. In fact, I send them my gratitude for their compassionate hearts and offer THEM compassion for the draining times they had listening to my woes.

Well, I have meandered with this concept of compassion and offering it to ourselves. I love free-form writing, stream-of-consciousness… One other thing to note is that compassion is an integral part of forgiveness, which, if we want to make peace with our lives, we need to extend to others and to ourselves. Compassion is a salve to use during this process.

How do you show compassion to yourself? Have you ever used it to get to peace?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, compassionate, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, how to have compassion, inner peace, peace

Show Gentleness to Yourself as You Heal and Grow

May 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Bed of Gentleness

There is nothing quite like showing yourself gentleness to speed along your healing and growth processes.

It will go a long way toward helping you to overcome the desire to beat yourself up, or to criticize yourself, not only during the appraisal portion of your journey, but throughout your journey.

Cut yourself some slack. I’m not advocating you pat yourself on the back for unkind and uncaring behaviors, but I am saying to allow yourself to be human with failings.

The thing about your failings, your short-comings is that you can choose to change them into victories, lessons to learn.

I am advocating you take a long, hard, honest look at yourself, using humility to do so. And I am advocating that you show yourself gentleness as you do that looking. Beating yourself up is counter-productive.

Feeling regret or remorse over some action, words, or behavior? Be gentle; recognize that you did the best you could at the time. If you’d have known better, you would have done better.

Now you have the opportunity to change anything you did that you don’t like, or, at the very least, to get some peace from your regrets. Be gentle with yourself as you go about making those changes.

Allow yourself to slowly and gently reveal yourself to yourself and others. Showing gentleness to yourself and others is paramount as you continue on your journey to living your dream and finding peace.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, finding peace, gentle, Gentleness, inner peace, peace, show gentleness to yourself

Commitment to Your Dream Leads to Peace

April 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Commitment of Journey

If you are searching for peace, inner peace, then one way to get it is to commit to your dream.

As we’ve discussed, your dream, the urgings of your heart, are from your divine and are your purpose in life. You are asked to be following those urgings, which may be one reason why you are reading this post.

Peace is possible when you cease the unrest of your heart, your mind. If your soul is at odds with itself, which it is when we are not on our true path, how can your heart and mind be at rest?

To get to that place of commitment, you must be willing to take this journey, no matter what. You may need to deal with scoffing from a spouse, family, or friends. Even through agonizing feelings, commit.

The reward is a heart and mind that are at rest, closer to peace. What are you doing to commit to your journey to peace?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, commit, Commitment, commitment to peace, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Willingness is the Key to Fulfilling Your Dream

April 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Key of Willingness

The day dawns bright and clear-skied; I can hear birds singing. It is the morn of a special day for me. I am giving my first workshop, in a series of many. Everything I’ll need is piled on the couch, awaiting loading in about an hour.

And I am excited! Really excited to offer what I will to my audience… a way to make peace with your life. In case you’re interested and in the San Francisco Bay Area, it’s today from 10 am to noon at the Embassy Suites – San Rafael 94903.

This is a dream of mine, to share my story, my message, and I am fulfilling it in part, due to my willingness, which brings me to today’s topic…

How willing are you to do whatever it takes to follow your dream? How about to find peace doing your dream?

It is terrifying to make a leap of faith, trying to believe that everything will be okay, when I move forward to live my dream. At least it has been for me, especially the financial investment for training workshops.

Yet, I was willing to do whatever it took to get to the point of following my dream. You, too, can be willing. If you believe that the urging of your heart is your divine, your Source, speaking to you, then it is easier to believe that what you feel in your heart is your dream.

It is easier to take that leap of faith. Even if you don’t believe in anything outside of yourself as a Source, use the higher good within you… follow the urgings of your heart because it is for your higher good. Only you can make that determination.

The key is willingness… to take a risk, to take a leap of faith, to find the courage… all is takes is willingness the size of a tiny keyhole…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, how to find peace, inner peace, key of willingness, peace, Willingness

Accepting Your Path in Life Leads to Peace

September 21, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

When you are accepting of your path in life, things move along smoothly, gracefully. It’s as if you flow from one thing to the next. ”When we become entwined with our path, the steps become as soft as velvet, and the ascent flows smoothly.”

This is different than being resigned to the flow of life. When resigned, there is an attitude of defeat. You are battling to make things go a certain way. Often, you are angry or bitter, blaming the situation for any feelings of unrest you may have.

Path of Acceptance

When I became sober, I accepted what was going on around me, but I was resigned with defeat. It was a very heavy feeling. Somewhere along the way, things changed for me and I began to gracefully accept that things were as they should be in the Divine world. I had finally gotten to the realization that when there was nothing I could do to change something, then accepting it became the softer and easier way.

I am not saying that you should resign yourself to a situation if there is something you can do to change it. On the contrary, you can take action to try and change something. But when your actions do not impact the situation, when you keep hitting a wall, then it is time to gracefully accept what is happening.

Acceptance also applies to your feelings. If you can accept what you are feeling at any given time, then it is easier to flow through those emotions, and to heal if that is what is needed. So often, we ignore or discount or deny our feelings and that just intensifies them. Again, the easier softer way is acceptance of them.

To reach acceptance, perhaps it is helpful for you to pray or to meditate. This helps you let go of the way you want something to turn out, and allows the Divine to work in your life. If you then feel sad or hurt over the results,m then accept that also. If you do, that emotion will pass more quickly. It is helpful in accepting your path in life to just let go, to surrender, to accept. It leads to peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acceptance, Carolyn CJ Jones, defeated, Gate Lady Publishing, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, resigned, Sober Living

Introspect Can Lead Us To Harmony With Ourselves and Others

September 12, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Shades of Harmony

“When do we take the time to just listen to the breeze, the quietness, the ramblings of our mind, or the world around us? When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?”

Perhaps, we don’t take this time. Yet, it is so important to participate in introspect and self-reflection. We are always bustling, moving quickly from one activity to the next, watching TV or listening to music, never taking the time to sit quietly with ourselves.

This is such an important activity in which to engage, as it allows us to become centered, grounded. Introspect allows us to examine our thoughts, our beliefs, our actions and our interactions with others. Introspect allows us to determine if we have approached ourselves and others with love.

It is a time of sitting idle to allow ourselves to observe what is happening in the world around us, and to determine how we fit in. Activities such as meditation and yoga provide a framework in which to practice introspection.

Other activities might include sitting on the bank of a lake, river, or the ocean, allowing our thoughts to follow the meandering, rhythmic movements of the water. Or, we can sit on our front porch and watch the activity around us.

The benefit of taking time alone, without noise distraction, is a great connection with our innermost self. We can reach that part of us which is love. From that point, we can them touch others with harmony and love. We become available to ourselves and others when we practice introspect.

Post a comment, telling us what the ways are in which you practice introspect and self-reflection? What are the benefits you reap?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: author, Carolyn CJ Jones, harmony, inspirational quotes about life, inspirational sayings, introspect, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, photographer, reflection self, self reflection

What Is Communication That Promotes Peace?

September 7, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

Perhaps the one thing that furthers peace in your world is the way in which you speak to people. So, what is communication? Sometimes, you are friendly and cheery, while other times, you are gruff and impatient, maybe even defensive.

What is going on inside you when you are cheery in your communication? Most likely, you are feeling good about yourself. But when you are feeling “less than,” fearful, or not good about yourself, do you communicate gruffly, with impatience, perhaps even lashing out at another and putting them down?

When I say what is communication, what I’m talking about is your ability to be honest and let another know when you are feeling afraid, or badly about yourself, instead of lashing out. So many times, I hear one person berating or criticizing another, and wonder how badly they must be feeling inside. That doesn’t excuse the berating and criticism, but it is a good chance to practice compassion for them.

So, how can you speak with respect and caring to another when you are angry or feeling poorly inside? Perhaps, just honestly letting the other know what you are feeling, stating simply, “I am angry,” “I am afraid of xyz right now,” or “I feel awful about myself.” The important thing is to own your feelings, rather than saying “You make me feel…”

These things are challenging to say to another, I know. It takes commitment and practice. Above all, it takes being in touch with your feelings in the moment. Perhaps you can make an agreement with a close person in your life whom you trust to practice speaking in this manner. Set the ground rules up front, getting an agreement from the other to not criticize you for what you are about to say.

Infusing your talk with positive and honest words gets you a long way to peace… Practice being candid with someone about your feelings and see what happens. Did it avoid an argument? Did you feel better about yourself? Did it preserve peace?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Gate Lady Publishing, honesty, open communication, Opening the Gates of the Heart, talking with respect, what is communication

Learning to Cultivate Differences Can Lead to Healing Emotional Pain

September 2, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Cultivation of Differences

Perhaps the most notable difference you can cultivate is that with people of different color. In this photo, I make a strong statement about that difference. You can learn that people are just people, with the same fears, insecurities, and desires to be liked that you experience. We all bleed the same color of blood, have the same internal organs; the skin is just a covering of that which is similar in nature.

Along with differences in color, you will find people with differences in customs. Learning and celebrating these differences provides a delightful tapestry in your life, adding richly to your own customs.

Then there are differences in beliefs. I am not advocating that you cultivate differences when they are harmful to yourself or others, but, rather, when they enhance your sphere of belief. For example, people who pray to a different source than you can be considered fascinating. Just because they are different than you does not mean you must be defensive about what you believe. Your beliefs are just as valid.

When you cultivate differences with those that are different than you, a whole other world opens up. For example, I used to frown upon, and yes, even look down upon, people with tattoos. Then I got into sobriety and started learning to accept others as they are. What I discovered was that the most beautiful words came out of the mouths of people with tattoos, just like those that came out of the mouths of people without them. My whole outlook changed and I relaxed around them, letting them be, enjoying their words.

As you cultivate the differences you find in the world, it lends to your healing emotional pain, as you will find that you are more tolerant and respectful of your differences. It leads you to accept yourself more, celebrating your uniqueness. This helps heal a wounded psyche. What are the differences you can start cultivating today in your life?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, cultivating differences, Gate Lady Publishing, healing emotional pain, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, respect of others, tolerance, tolerance of others

Living With Grace After Healing Emotional Pain

August 27, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Grace is a beautiful benefit that comes after healing emotional pain. Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon you. It is as if a cloak of goodness has slowly descended to shroud you.

Sweep of Grace

Grace is defined as beauty or charm of form, composition, movement, or expression. It’s an attractive feature. When you feel it, it manifests as thoughtfulness for others, and for what is right and proper all around you.

When you feel grace, a feeling of tenderness flows forth from you. It’s as if you want to gather close all the world, tenderly embracing everything. To get to this place, one must have experienced forgiveness for the transgressions of another and learned to show loving-kindness.

How do you know when you are feeling grace? You will know because everything will look rosy and will flow easily. A smile of knowingness will be present. Everything just feels right.

How have you experienced grace and how does it feel for you?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: beauty, Carolyn CJ Jones, forgiveness, Gate Lay Publishing, grace, healing emotional pain, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living

Healing Emotional Pain By Noticing Your Growth of Character

August 23, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Healing emotional pain can occur when you look at your character, the parts of you that make up your morals, your beliefs, thoughts, and actions. Where and how has your character grown over the years? What is the progress you’ve made in becoming a more compassionate, tolerant , and kind person?

If you look at yourself from that light, you will most likely see growth that has occurred over the years, especially if you have been working consciously to improve yourself. You need to consider that growth as you continue healing emotional pain.

Growth of Character

Just as you look at your own growth of character, it is necessary to consider the growth of another’s character. Look at how they have grown over the years, the strides and changes they have made in themselves. Once you identify these changes, it is easier to get to compassion and forgiveness of another.

Try looking at all the moss and lichen that has grown over the years. Consider it beautiful, for both yourself and others. Perhaps you will gain some healing of your emotional pain.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, forgiveness, healing emotional pain, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living

Developing Tolerance For Ourselves and Others

August 13, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning. I find it interesting that, having blogged about judgment, other experiences happened that got me to look at the way I judge things. It’s as if it shows up everywhere as a means to look at my thoughts and judgments, and to heal from them, to ask for help to correct them.

For example, after my last blog, I was on hold on the phone for a long time and there was music playing. I noticed that I was judging it… “this is too chaotic and irritating,” or, “this is mellow and soothing.” It was that continual litany of judgments I referred to in my last post. I do this when I am around people, also. A continual assessment of what I like or dislike. Do you do this?

Practice of Tolerance

At first I was appalled, and then I had to smile, realizing that I can just notice my thoughts and say to myself that I don’t wish to be so judgmental. I have to, actually choose to, look at myself with tolerance. And that is today’s topic… tolerance. Certainly, I am a supporter of being tolerant of others, and especially of their differences, but I wish to focus on tolerance for ourselves.

There has to be a distinction between tolerance for bad behavior, i.e. hurting another or ourselves, and I don’t think we should tolerate that. But we can still look at bad behavior and say to ourselves we no longer wish to do that, and then ask for help from Source to dispel it.

I’m referring to just sitting with our thoughts and tolerating them, bringing ourselves to awareness for having negative thoughts, rather than beating ourselves up. I don’t think that solves anything other than making us feel badly about ourselves.

So the next time you find you are having thoughts or acting in a manner that disturbs you, take a minute to just reflect upon it, and offer yourself tolerance. Not excuses… just tolerance. Then ask for help to change that from the source that guides you, and see what happens.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Gate Lady, judgment, judgmental, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance, tolerance of others, tolerance of self

Absence of Moral Judgment

August 6, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Why do we judge people so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others? Is it because we are afraid of them and their differences, and/or is it because we’re not feeliing okay about ourselves?

As it turns out, I am grateful to have become an alcoholic, because I was forced to learn how to assess myself pretty honestly. I did not feel good about myself. Lots of assessment and healing later, I began to see how my negative thoughts about others were very morally judgmental, in response to my fear and esteem issues.

It was through the process of self-appraisal that, as I began to feel better about who I was and took responsibility for my thoughts, the less I handed out moral judgment, the less I denigrated their soul. So maybe the more we love ourselves, the less we judge others negatively.

Absence of Judgment

I notice a whole litany of judgments running through my mind at any given moment, always judging another, as well as myself. First, I see myself noticing things about people and then judging them as safe to be around.

That is inate in all of us. It part of the automatic fight or flight mechanism – to continually assess our situation so we keep ourselves safe. We just do this, it just happens. It’s unconscious much of the time.

Yet, for me, the judgment takes on a tone of morality, sometimes indignantly, because I’ve continued my assessment, which includes deciding whether someone is good or bad.

By having these thoughts about someone, do I not set up an energy that they can feel on a soul level and it denigrates them as a person? In sobriety, I decided I wanted to stop denigrating people in my mind.

Initially, it was a conscious thought to go to that place where I said to myself, “Isn’t that interesting what that person thinks or is doing?” and leave it at that.

***** This only applies, of course, when the person is not being harmful to himself or others. That’s a whole other discussion…

Now I more automatically notice when I am judging someone, and this allows me to stop doing it. I find myself really enjoying what that person has to offer.

I have experienced the most beautiful moments with people whom I used to judge as bad. What an awesome discovery that was, and continues to be, as a result of my attempts at learning to lessen and negate my moral judgment.

Wow. What a long way to peace that would go if, once assessing that we’re safe, we stopped with our moral judgment of others. Would it be a world filled with more happiness and the experience of more wondrous moments?

And if we stopped with the moral judgment of ourselves, would we each experience more happiness within, leading to our inner peace?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Gate Lady, happiness, inner peace, judgment, low self-esteem, moral judgment, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, peace of mine, Sober Living, sobriety, world peace

How Do We Respect Others and Ourselves?

July 15, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Respect of Individuality

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?” This is the inspirational quote about life that begins the verse for this image in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. It is a question I have asked myself for years, having always been compared to others and expected to be like them. My dreams were thwarted in favor of another’s. This, along with the denigration of who I was, gnawed away at my very soul. It degraded my self-esteem and my self-image. It set the stage for a very difficult life and it was one of the reasons for my heavy drinking, as I tried to numb out feelings of inadequacy.

One of the most important things we can do in life is to respect and celebrate one’s individuality. This type of recognition helps that person flourish and grow to their intended heights. To respect another’s uniqueness is to acknowledges a Creator’s handiwork. It recognizes another as a Being in this world, just like you or me.

Often, it seems, people are not recognized for their individuality. Like the first line of this verse, people are asked to be like us. This may be because we fear those who are different than us. It could also be a reflection of our own inadequacy or feelings of low esteem. We tend to negate others when we are not feeling very good about ourselves, in an effort to build ourselves up. Of course, this is done at the expense of another. If we are having difficulty respecting others, perhaps it is time for a self-appraisal, a time to honestly look at why we are unable to respect that person.

Having performed my own inventory as a part of my sobriety and having grown and healed some as a result, I have realized it is not necessary for me to be like others. I have learned it is important for me to be the individual I am, to let what is inside shine for the world to see. In fact, I now realize it is my job, if you will, to follow my dreams. It is my responsibility to be the individual that I am, to do what I need to do to increase my own self-respect.

Ah, being responsible for my own esteem, my own individuality… What does this mean? It means I need to focus my efforts on learning to respect myself in my actions toward myself, as well as the way in which I talk to myself. If I do not respect myself, how can I think that others will respect me? And if I am respecting myself, I will give off that energy, people will feel it, and I will attract respect.

Does that mean that if we run across someone who does not respect themselves then that is a reason to disrespect them also? Actually, it means we need to extend even more understanding, love, and compassion to that wounded person. It means we show them respect until they can find it for themselves.

How is your level of respect for yourself? Have you found it, or are you still searching for it? As you assess how you treat others, do you treat them with respect for who they are, regardless of how different from you they may be, regardless of whether you approve of what they’re doing? That gets into judgment, which is our next topic…

Let’s celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, daring to stand out, to be unique, to be individual!

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, denigration of one's soul, inventory, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respecting others, self esteem, self-appraisal, sobriety

Inspirational Sayings About Love

June 25, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Acknowledgment of Others

At long last, I return to the blog. I took the last topic of patience and really put it to the test. Perhaps I have lost some of you… that is my fear. If not, thank you for your patience. It’s appropriate that today’s topic is acknowledgment, as I wish to acknowledge my lack of writing for almost a month.

I was in Pennsylvania from the end of May until June 6th. Since my return, I have been unable to sit down and write. I have had trouble getting back into my work routine, period. I have taken three weeks to pull together documentation for an application to a health care program. In the process, I learned to do a profit and loss statement for my business, so it turned out to be positive.

As a review, what we are doing with this blog is this: In my blog, I write on the topics that are in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, in the order in which they appear in the book. We are going from fear, worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through discovery and awareness, to lessons learned about how to treat ourselves and others. Finally, we reach joy and peace. It is a chronicle of my own journey from the depths of despair and praying to die, to wholeness and happiness, joy and peace. I’m glad you’re joining me on the journey.

I have to acknowledge that one reason I have procrastinated is because I am uncomfortable writing the blog using my new keyword phrases, inspirational sayings about…, inspirational quotes about… Sometimes, they just don’t fit. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable using them from blog to blog. I am concerned about what you, the reader, will think. Will you get impatient with it? I have to get past that as I am on page 1 in Google because of using those keywords and phrases. This reaches a large segment of people with which I would like to connect. So please have patience with me as I continue this practice.

On with acknowledgment… In the book, there are inspirational sayings about love, about how we can show love by acknowledging others. “We go within so we can reach out to others, and we reach out to others so we can go within,” is one such example. “We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves,” is another. I think it’s important to acknowledge another… a smile to one on the street, a clerk waiting on a customer, a response to a loved one when they are talking. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated, but it is so important to show love and respect to others, and this is one way to do that.

In our, perhaps, haste to acknowledge others, we sometimes forget to show the same love and respect to ourselves. We brush aside our hurts, our pains, and do not take the time to feel them, grieving for what it is we have lost, giving importance to our feelings. They are not wrong, they are just what is. Once we can experience them, acknowledge them, we can heal from them, and gain the higher benefit from the experience. I think, too, that once we share what we are feeling, it makes us more human to others. We can all relate and connect at that place of hurt, as we have all experienced it. It is a part of living, a part of being human.

We can watch ourselves, as we go through our days, giving acknowledgment to others, remembering to offer it to ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts. We can remember to acknowledge ourselves when paid a compliment, also. So often, perhaps, embarrassed, or not feeling worthy, we brush it off. Does that not negate the other person’s thoughts and feelings, showing them disrespect? Does that not belittle our strengths and who we are? Just some thoughts on quotes about life…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, fear, Gate Lady Publishing, grief, inspirational quotes about life, inspirational sayings, joy, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sorrow, worthlessness

Learn to be Patient and Wait For the Evolution of Life

May 28, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Inspirational Story about Patience
Early in sobriety, I was encouraged to learn the art of patience, to watch and wait for the evolution of life without forcing it. How does one do that who has raced around and forced everything their whole life ? How do I learn to be patient? I was at a loss to know.

Like the patina’s growth on the gate, we’re asked to be patient while it forms. In this case, we’re asked to slow down, to patiently watch and wait as life unfolds. That is not to say we lay idle. Oh, no. We are still asked to take action on those things which come across our path that we are intended to do, that feed our soul. But then we must let go and let life unfold.

How can we take action while we still wait for the evolution of life? The point it, we do take the action, and then we turn our attention to something else, to the next thing that has crossed our path. We wait to see the results of our labor, but we don’t stop our lives while we wait. Eventually, life has a way of working itself out, if we can be patient while that occurs.

Sometimes, we may believe that our efforts in one area have been fruitless. Sometimes, it takes days, or even years, for a result of our efforts to be known. Do not be discouraged or go into despair during these times when patience is needed. Know that life will work out to our betterment, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Let it roll off the moments of time in a natural way. Practice patience while that happens.

How do we know when we are being patient? It’s a feeling in our being. It is one of quietness, gentleness. Angst and worry are absent. We can let the results go, without getting wigged out, without that tight feeling in our gut. We know we are being patient about our lives when we can turn our attention to our next endeavor, without angst or regret or wondering.

Do you display patinece while you’re waiting for the evolution of life?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the award-winning author, photographer, and publisher of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. If you are celebrating a transitional journey you have navigated, if you would like to embark upon such a journey, or if you are in the middle of one and struggling, you will find yourself in the book’s pages. You will want to experience in your own journey what Carolyn has experienced in hers. This book uses a collection of inspirational sayings and quotes about life, which, when coupled with photographs of wrought-iron gates, shows one soul’s way to inner peace. Carolyn resides in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she lives with her feral cat, Izzy.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, evolution of life, Gate Lady Publishing, inspirational sayings, Opening the Gates of the Heart, quotes about life, Sober Living, sobriety

The Art of Practicing Perseverance

May 24, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Rolls of Perseverance is the image of the day. No inspirational sayings, no quotes about life, just a discussion about practicing perseverance, especially in the face of discouragement.

The verse in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing talks about the discouragement I try to ward off because I have not become the person I want to be. Instead, I hold tight to that vision of what and who I want to be, and keep moving forward to achieve that vision.

For example, I strive for being a person who is consistent in my efforts with the book, and with my blogging. As you well know, I am not consistent with the latter, and yet, I want nothing more than to be so disciplined that I blog on specific days, every week. I have great difficulty getting to it, as I seem to have with some other of my efforts.

Instead of beating myself up, which is my norm, I try to just keep working toward that goal. That is all I can do. The fact is, I AM beating myself up for my inconsistency and that behavior gets me nowhere. It paralyzes me, makes me feel guilty. These thoughts about my lack of action are not useful.

In fact, I believe we each do the best we can do at any given moment. We need to remind ourselves of this when we start to self-criticize. It might be helpful to see what is behind our lack of action. Is it fear, which it often is for me? Or, is it overwhelm, which is what it is in my case involving blogging consistently. Regardless of the root cause, we can continue to practice perseverance with our efforts, until we reach the vision which we hold for ourselves. In the meantime, we can be gentle with and kind to ourselves.

As you identify ways you would like to be, just keep practicing perseverance, plugging away a bit at a time as you are able. Soon, you will reach the goal simply by taking continued action.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Gate Lady Publishing, gentle, kind, Opening the Gates of the Heart, persevere, quotes about life

Inspirational Sayings About Overcoming Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

May 6, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 7 Comments

Overcoming insecurity and low-self esteem is a process. It takes conscious, focused, and consistent attention, especially if we have an extra-low esteem or very high insecurity. I believe the answer lies in learning to accept ourselves, just as we are. Hence, the title of the photo on the right, which is Acceptance of Self.

First, we need to be aware of how we currently see ourselves. We can ask ourselves questions about our esteem, our confidence. If we think of ourselves as “less than” others, then we are dealing with a low self-esteem and insecurity. We accept that and give compassion and soothing to ourselves. We treat ourselves with gentleness as we explore these feelings.

We understand that we are human and we embrace that. Not as an excuse for poor behavior, actions, or thoughts, but, instead, to allow ourselves to make mistakes, to be human, to have failings.

When we have erred, we can examine the situation and our part in it. Then we can apologize to the other, or ourselves, and we change our behavior. This action is our responsibility and, when performed, helps us feel better about ourselves, merely because we are being responsible for things we did that we didn’t like.

Another way to boost our esteem and lessen our insecurities is to do things for others. Sometimes, that’s as simple as smiling at someone as we pass, saying hello. It could be offering help to one in need, whether a stranger or someone we know. We take responsibility for being useful to others. This works well to increase esteem. It is said that if you want esteem, do esteem-able acts.

These are the things I have done that have allowed me to better my self-image and esteem, both of which were shattered when I came to sobriety. It has taken years, and I committed to the process which I have outlined. The result was tested last week in Allen, Texas, while at a signing event for my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

I was well-received and people were giving me compliments right and left. In days before I felt comfortable with myself and who I am, I would have pushed away those words, discounted them, with sarcastic or humorous responses to another’s compliment. Now that I feel positive regard for myself, I was able to humbly accept what was coming my way, taking it in with gratitude and joy, knowiing that my message of hope had been heard. That made me feel good about myself, which, in turn, lowered my insecurity.

If you are dealing with overcoming insecurity and low self-esteem, try what I have described. You may find it helpful. Just remember that it is a process, one which takes time and persistence. I wish you well.

Filed Under: Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: 12 step programs, addiction, Carolyn CJ Jones, Commitment, compassion, Gentleness, insecurity, living sober, low self-esteem, Opening the Gates of the Heart, recovery, self esteem, Sober Living, sobriety

The Process of Forgiveness

April 27, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Thank you, Sherry Gaba, for your wonderful post. We had a lot of veiwers reading it.

Today, I wish to continue with the topics in the book, which brings us to forgiveness. This photo is entitled Tiers of Forgiveness, because, in my experience, forgiving is a process that occurs over time, in layers. It could be referred to as the process of forgiveness.

Sherry’s post is a good lead-in to forgiveness, as the ability to forgive is an ideal end- point when we deal with resentment. When we have identified the object of our resentment and have worked through it, we are ready to gain peace through forgiveness – peace with ourselves and, hopefully, peace with the other person(s). There is great freedom in forgiveness.

So, we have identified the person with whom we have a resentment, and we begin the process of looking at ourselves – our behavior and actions, our words and thoughts, and we accept responsibility for these. By that, I mean we hold ourselves accountable, make any amends necessary, which includes to ourselves, if we have treated ourselves badly. We “own up” to our bad behavior and compliment ourselves on the good.

It has been my experience that when I do such an appraisal, I see that, often, I have done the very thing for which I am angry at another. How can I be angry at someone, when I have done the very thing that brings me anger? I soften, recognizing our humanness, our woundedness, and I feel compassion, both for myself and the person I resented. Suddenly, the resentment has diminished. Done over time, this method is the process of forgiveness and can lead to peace. At least, that is what I have experienced.

Deciding to forgive is is a difficult decision to make. For me, it meant backing down from that stance which allowed me to be self-righteous, and, frankly, to play the victim. I believe I played that role in an effort to hurt and perhaps punish, the person I felt had wronged me. I find that I no longer need that role, and, again, life has been freer, and I have enjoyed a closer relationship with those I forgave.

If you went through the process of forgiveness, what improvements have you seen in your relations with others? Have you experienced peace as a result of forgiveness?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, forgive, forgiveness, Gate Lady, inner peace, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, provess of forgiveness, recovery, resentment, Sober Living, sobriety, www.gatelady.com

Practice Acts of Kindness

April 13, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Acts of kindness need to be bestowed not only onto others, but to ourselves, as well. Frequently, we don’t treat ourselves very kindly; we speak in harsh tones, criticize, say mean things. Why do we speak to ourselves with such a lack of kindness? We don’t treat others in such a manner.

Why do we think we can speak to ourselves in disparaging tones, with disparaging words? Perhaps we feel there is something about us that “deserves” such a lack of kindness. But my guess is, we just don’t think about how we are speaking to ourselves. We don’t keep an eye on what we say to our psyche.

Try this: stop and listen the next time you speak to yourself. Did you chide or negate, bully or disparage? I suspect you are not as polite as if you were addressing a friend. Make it a habit to check how you are talking to yourself, a check-in, if you will.

All the while you are checking yourself, look at how you treat others. Is it kind? It doesn’t have to be complicated when we deal with others, yet, is it kind? Practice being kind to others randomly. Every time a kind thought crosses your mind, pass that along to someone. Soon you will feel a lightness associated with your dealings with others.

Do you practice acts of kindness to yourself and others?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: acts of kindness, bullying language, Carolyn CJ Jones, disparaging words, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, random acts of kindness

What Are Your Morals, Truth, and Integrity?

April 10, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 255 Comments

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

What resonates with your heart, your soul? Do you have difficulty standing up for your morals, truths, and integrity? If you are able to stand up for those things in yourself, I applaud you. Sometimes, it is not easy.

Sometimes, when we’re so unsure of ourselves, or have been so beaten down, we take on another’s truths and morals. For me, I did that because I was afraid to speak my own truths. Heck, for many years, I did not even know my own truths. It took me many years into sobriety to begin to know them.

We can know deep within what our truths are. Then, speaking up can be gentle and quiet, with knowingness on our part. We don’t have to flaunt them; we can just know that we stand strong within ourselves.

How do we learn what our truths and morals are? Sitting down with paper and pen is effective as one approach. Write down everything about yourself, all the things that you believe about yourself to be true. Be honest and don’t be afraid to give due recognition to those lovely and delightful things you do. With your list, review your points until you begin to recognize them in yourself, until they become second nature to you. You will identify those things that resonate in your heart. When you do this, you will be that much closer to peace within.

What are your morals, truth, and integrity? Do you know what they are?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, integrity, living sober, morals, Opening the Gates of the Heart, recovery, sober, sober liviing, sobriety, truthh, truths

How Does Compassion Lead to Forgiveness

April 7, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

How does compassion lead to forgiveness, you might wonder. Compassion is defined by Webster as sorrow felt for another’s suffering or troubles, coupled with an urge to help in some way, deep sympathy. They also say pity, yet, I believe we don’t have to pity another in order to have compassion For me, it manifests as very soft and tender thoughts for another, often coupled with a deep knowingness of or wanting to understand one’s troubles so I can offer help of some sort.

Compassion leads to forgiveness when we recognize how we have done the very thing for which we are angry at or hurt by another. This powerful realization happened to me. I was doing a self-appraisal of all my relationships, and I recognizd I used to get drunk and yell at my partner at the time how worthless they were, that they wouldn’t amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember this! I didn’t mean those things I said. I was feeling badly about myself, which is what prompted the words in the first place. Then I realized they were the very words that were told to me as a child. I began to wonder if the person who uttered them to me also felt badly about himself at the time he yelled those words.

I felt compassion for myself, for the deep-seated feelings of worthlessness that led me to say these wounding words. Suddenly, I saw the man who said those words to me, as a suffering human being, hurting like I hurt, lashing out like I lashed out. I had great compassion for both of us, both wounded souls. I began to realize that I would like forgiveness in this situation, and believed that to be true for my perpetrator, as well. I softened to both of us, and brought forth all the compassion I could muster. I understood why the words were said. They had nothing to do with me or my worth. Years of hurt and pain were washed away, as my compassion gave way to forgiveness.

So tell me, how does compassion lead to forgiveness in your life? Does it? Can it if you look with compassion?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, forgiveness, inventory, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Can You Look at Yourself with Gentleness

March 29, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Todays’ topic is gentleness, which is reflected in this photo titled Bed of Gentleness, as in bed of ivy. This appears in the book right after Search of Self for a very specific reason.

It has been my experience that when we look at ourselves, do a personal inventory, we often then turn around and beat ourselves up for who we are, for what we said or did, or for mistakes we have made.

That response is incompatible with and defeats what we find when we do that self-appraisal. For example, we identify the areas which could use some improvement. If we are doing a comprehensive inventory, we will have also uncovered many good things about ourselves as well. So, when we beat ourselves up or have remorse about ourselves, our behaviors, we are negating our positive side.

Rather, we might look upon ourselves with some tender and gentle thoughts. In my experience, when I do this, it leads me to compassion because I recognize my humanness. When we see with compassion, we can smile and soothe ourselves. And, it just automatically translates into gentleness. Once we are gentle with ourselves as we learn, grow, and heal, we can be gentle with others, and isn’t that the name of the game?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author, photographer, and publisher of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Using photographs of wrought-iron gates and uplifting prose, this book chronicles Carolyn’s own personal healing journey that occurred in sobriety, from the depths of despair and praying to die, to joy and inner peace. The book is available on this site, or through Amazon. Additionally, the bookstores which carry the book are listed on this site.

Also on this site is one selected image each month to be printed as a limited edition. This can be ordered as a print, a matted print, or matted and framed.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, gentle with ourselves, Gentleness, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Search of Self

March 4, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

A self-appraisal is what is meant when I say search of self. It is the ability to go, each time, to that place of looking with honesty at one’s actions or thoughts or words. Many people are afraid to do this, as they are afraid they will find there is nothing to them, or that they are all bad.

No one is all bad. We each have redeeming, delightful qualities. When looking at oneself, look at the good things, as well as the areas that could use improvement. Look for your clear heart, shining brightly, clearly, truthfully, like that knob in the image…

Being honest about what one has said or done, even when it means having to be humble, is the path to peace. Owning one’s flaws and foibles gives them a sense of relief; the need to be right disappears, the poor behavior can be viewed with compassion. When we identify poor behavior and see it with compassion, we see a wounded person… us… and we can soothe ourselves.

Above and beyond that is the way in which we spend our time blaming others for our troubles, when, if we looked carefully at our actions, we would see that we are the originator of our problems. Often, we have done or said something which has set into motion an untoward event or reaction on somebody’s part, and we blame someone else. That is where we need to stop and look at ourselves closely, ferreting out our part in the affair.

I have found when I do this, yes, at first I am embarrassed about my behavior, but then I see myself with compassion, and my thoughts toward myself soften. Then, I am able to see where my actions led to an uncomfortable or confrontative situation. When I see that it was my doing, I can then take responsibility for my actions or words, changing them, or apologizing. This skill has led me tp peace countless times.

With one messy situation today, look at your part in it, and if you were in error, make a correction in some way. How did it feel to do that?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, doing a 4th step, humility humble, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety

Life Is A Journey – Join The Journey of Life

February 22, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

What does it mean to join the journey of life? What is the journey anyway? I use that term to include the series of events and experiences that occur in our life as we go about living it, from day to day. In that definition is the inclusion of living a spiritually-based life, believing in some force greater than yourself that keeps the “ball” rolling.

For me, it also includes committing to a journey of sobriety, of living life according to principles of living without drinking, living a better life in my head, being a better person in the world. It involves adopting ways of treating myself and others, such as with tolerance, respect, and love. It embraces a life filled with behaviors such as forgiveness and compassion.

When I say join the journey of life, I refer to taking on the challenge to be involved in our lives… the leaves that have fallen, the leaves that are grown, and the buds yet to form. Life is a journey – climb the stairs and join it.

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. More about the book can be seen above under “The Book,” or in the videos on the sidebar. “About Me and My Work” above reveals more about her. Carolyn is now offering limited edition professional prints, either as prints, matted, or framed which can be viewed above. February’s limited edition print is Visions of Gratitude.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: 12 steps, addiction, alcohol, alcoholic, Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, drug rehab, drugs, Gate Lady Publishing, journey, journey of life, living sober, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, overcoming alcoholism, recovery, respect, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

The Key of Willingness

February 17, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Key of Willingness

Willingness. The key of willingness. It is the key to all else. It allows us to practice humility, openness of heart and mind, as well as honesty. It is how one gives themselves the permission to open up to all that is around and in them.

When I feel willing, I feel it in my body. There is a light, airy feeling at my core. Emotionally, I am excited to hear what another will say. I feel relief at being honest with myself and others around me, so I don’t spend the energy hiding who I am. I feel at home, as my heart opens. All I have to do is make the decision to be willing.

Once I make the decision to be willing, the other things just seem to fall into place. I learned to be willing during the course of becoming sober. Initially, I had to be willing to go to any length to get sober. I was so beaten down, that was not hard to decide to do. After making the decision, I seemed to be graced with the ability to become humble, honest and open. A whole new world of beauty and peace unfolded.

Make the decision to become willing to open your mind and heart to one new thing today. What did you experience when you did this?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. More about the book can be seen above under “The Book,” or in the videos on the sidebar. “About Me and My Work” above reveals more about her. Carolyn is now offering limited edition professional prints, either as prints, matted, or framed which can be viewed above. February’s limited edition print isVisions of Gratitude.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being humble, Carolyn CJ Jones, Gate Lady, gates of the heart, honesty, humility, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety

Open Your Heart and Mind

February 13, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Openness of Heart

It is a decision you make to open your heart and mind. Once made, the rewards are tremendous. It offers a much more peaceful state of mind and body, at least, that is what I have experienced. You are not scrambling to always be right, nor to have to “one-up” others. You learn much about situations and about yourself.

What prevents us from opening our mind? In my experience, it was insecurity in who I was as a person. It manifested in the defensiveness with which I approached others when they were trying to tell me something. When I entered sobriety and learned to just be quiet and listen, I discovered a whole world of knowledge that was added to my own. I had to practice humility, and willingness to be open. The result was I struggled less, operated with less defensiveness, which drained my energy, and felt great about learning more than I knew.

Before I was able to open my mind, I had to open my heart and see myself with compassion. I had to acknowledge this frightened woman who was protecting herself from gettingt her heart hurt… again. When I let go of the need to shield myself, to protect my heart, I discovered the tender spirit of others. My relationship with them strengthened and went deeper than ever before. Physically, I was much more relaxed and my stomach unclenched. Emotionally, I felt one with others, communicating on another plane.

All of this happened because I made the decision to open my heart and mind. In what ways do you open your heart and mind?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author, photographer, and publisher of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The photographs, which won an Honorable Mention in the 2010 San Francisco Book Festival, are now being offered as limited edition prints. February’s print is Visions of Gratitude and may be seen above under Buy Prints. The book is available under Buy Book or from Amazon.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, gates of the heart, humility, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness

Humility

January 31, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Warmth of Humility

Humility – the act of being humble, of being modest and unpretentious, the lack of pride or self-assertion. It is not having to always be right, and, as I learned in sobriety, it is being right-sized. It is not, as I once thought, being humiliated.

What does it feel like to have humility? For me, it is a quietness within myself, as I sit back and watch the ways in which my humanness presents itself. It feels as though I am open to hear what others have to say and suggest. When I am being humble, I am teachable. It is a calm and secure place to be.

Perhaps, when we are feeling insecure and uncertain about ourselves, it is difficult to have humility. In that case, we often feel the need to tout ourselves, to brag about our strengths, almost as if we are trying to convince ourselves and others that we are okay. But we are okay anyway, simply because we are, simply because we exist.

If we relax and have this knowingness about ourselves, giving up the need to always be right, to brag about ourselves, it is a gentler place in which to live. We can take in and learn from others, and expand our horizons, improve ourselves. We become easier to live with, to be around. Practicing humility brings us peace.

What does humility look like for you?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. More about the book can be seen above under “The Book.” “About Me and My Work” above reveals more about her. Carolyn is now offering limited edition professional prints, either as prints, matted, or framed which can be viewed above under “Buy Prints.” February’s limited edition print is Visions of Gratitude. Only fifty prints will be reproduced.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being humble, Carolyn CJ Jones, humility, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Principle of living, Sober Living, sobriety

Courage to Change

January 27, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Spaces of Courage

It has been a long week of discouragement, and this morning, I popped awake, filled with hope and energy. I do not know why the change, and I am not questioning it; I am just being grateful and am acting upon it.

In the book, the prose that accompanies this image speaks of how we act with our pain: we repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right. I, for one, did all those things. In sobriety, I learned a different way, a way of finding courage to turn to a higher power. That is what the prose in the book talks about… turning to that power for comfort and relief from emotional pain and turmoil, and finding the courage to do so.

It is this courage of which I wrote to which I turned during my days of discouragement and inability to act. It takes courage to face our emotional pain, to take it out and look at it, to feel it. It takes courage to turn our pain over to a higher power, letting go of it in order that we may be helped to find relief. In these past few days, it is that courage to which I turned, in which I reveled.

Persevering with courage has led me to relief. How do you get relief from emotional pain? Do you call upon courage to change?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. This book chronicles her journey in recovery from the depths of despair to joy and inner peace. The book can be purchased on this website. In addition, Carolyn will soon announce her newest line… limited edition photographs of images from the book, in print, matted print, and matted/framed print form. Watch this site for details.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, courage to believe. courage, courage to change, Gate Lady, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Doubt

January 21, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 9 Comments

Shadows of Doubt

“I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.”

This describes what goes on inside of myself when I am in doubt. For me, it takes the form of doubt of self and then doubt in a higher power. I am struggliing right now with both of these issues, so let’s look at them further.

When I take action and that action is continually met with a closed door, i.e., things do not work out smoothly and easily, I begin to doubt that I am on the right track. Then I lose confidence in myself and slip into discouragement, and, if bad enough, despair.

I am dealing with discouragement about why people do not seem interested in my book. Requests to have it reviewed and to get newspaper coverage have been met with silence. Bookstores seem disinterested. The danger is that I lose my enthusiasm to present the book to the public. That enthusiasm is momentarily displaced…

How does one deal with doubt? Perhaps talking with a higher power is helpful for some. When one questions that such a power exists, it makes it more difficult. That is the current case for me. So, what to do?

Personally, I keep taking action, baby steps, doing the things I can do to move the book along that do not require speaking with others, such as creating a power point presentation. I look at the things that are going right, like being scheduled for two reading/signing events out-of-state. I focus on my gratitude for those two events, and soon, my attitude is changed and I am able to approach others with enthusiasm.

This is how it works for me. How about you?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, doubt, gratitude, Opening the Gates of the Heart

How to Trust

January 17, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Offer of Trust

Early on in my process of recovery, I discovered I needed to learn how to trust in some higher power, in something greater than myself. That trust was easy initially, as I had just read the book Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. From that book, I began to believe that there was a God and He was everywhere, in everything and in everybody, and that opportunities presented to me were of God’s giving.

Then, as time went on and I began to face old issues, I felt I had to watch my back, that God was to be trusted only so far, and then I had to take over to remain “safe.” I found, however, that trusting myself alone was lacking, didn’t work well. Trust in myself alone led to more struggle in my healing, and I accepted the struggle instead of accepting a higher power in my life.

To get back to trusting in God, I found I had to heal from my issues, despite the greater struggle. I had to feel the hurt, the pain, the disappointment of not having had happy formative years. I had to grieve those things. That process took a couple of years. At the end of that time, I was able to, once again, let God into my life and allow Him to guide me. I began to again trust that He knew best for me and I learned to turn over my issues to HIm, trusting that I would be shown the best way to operate, the best way to be.

I learned it doesn’t have to be God in which I trust… it can be the Universe, or the Great Spirit, or any power greater than myself. This belief has allowed me to move forward in my growth, to once again, see that opportunities were being presented to me to aid in my healing, in my life. With this belief, recovery has led to inner peace and joy.

In what do you trust to guide your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Conversations With God, Neale Donald Walsch, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety

Developing Awareness

January 13, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Birth of Awareness

There came a point in time after I dispensed with the false bravado that awareness began to creep up on me, that I began to be aware of myself in the world. In the book, in this image and verse, I see the lushness beyond the opening, and after allowing myself to feel my anger and sadness, my grief and sorrow, I decide to walk through the gate to awareness. I make a choice.

The first area in which I developed awareness was how to identify my feelings. I had kept them numb for so long with my drinking, that they were raw when I quit. I also did not know how to name them, I often struggled to determine what I was feeling. My ability to identify my feelings has grown tremendously, as evidenced by my last post.

Part of my awareness includes identifying how I “am” in the world, i.e., how my actions or words have affected another. Again, referencing my last post and the issue with which I was dealing, I sorted out my feelings and resolved my impatience and anger. Then, I decided to share with the person involved the process I had gone through, as I was trying not to hide my feelings. I would not recommend that, as in this case, it only served to upset and hurt the other person.

In searching for the mature way to handle the situation I described in my last post, it would have been better to talk with a trusted friend about my feelings, write about them, and resolve them without mentioning my difficulty to the other person because I identified that their actions were appropriate, even though I did not like them.

A large majority of my awareness has been in the area of learning lessons – learning that experiences come to me for the purpose of healing and growing. When I think of unpleasant situations in this way, my energy is directed toward the lesson and what I can learn, rather than on blaming another person or situation for my grief, or whatever. I am able to detach myself from those things and learn the lesson the experience is trying to teach me. This habit has helped me to reach my goal of inner peace.

How about you? What does awareness look like for you?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: anger, awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, grief, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow

Surrender of Pretense

January 9, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Surrender of Pretense

Giving up, letting go, surrendering. In the case of the book, I was referring in this verse to giving up the pretense that all is fine with me when, in fact, it is not. It is a reminder to come out from behind my gate of false bravado, letting others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me.

For me, surrender is a release that feels freeing. It is interesting that I am given a true life situation in which I find myself having to surrender my pretenses, because the situation is not ok with me. It causes pain. Do I tell the other person? Or, do I swallow the hurt and just keep going on?

That is what I did all my life and it is not how I choose to be today because it led to a life of deep resentment. So, I am looking for an appropriate way to convey my thoughts and feelings, without attacking or blaming or hurting back the other person. I am looking at the issue of whether or not it’s even appropriate to speak about my feelings to the person who is involved in this situation. I just know that the old way of stuffing feelings did not work.

The trick is to not come at the other person with anger, trying to hurt back. For me, it involves realizing what is behind my anger and, upon looking at it, I discover what I’m really feeling is hurt and disappointment. I need to be honest and relay my thoughts. Once I identify the source of my anger, then I can move forward and talk about what’s really going on for me.

I am afraid to do this. It is new behavior for me. I fear the other person’s reaction. Yet, it feels like the mature thing to do, versus being passively-aggressive. So, I will surrender the pretense and come out from behind my gate.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: anger, Carolyn CJ Jones, disappointment, hurt, Opening the Gates of the Heart, surrender of pretense

Despair – Have You Been There?

January 6, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Face of Despair

Have you been there… to that place of utter defeat, utter uselessness, utter despair? Perhaps praying to die because you just cannot seem to get past this. That’s what I experienced when I was in deep despair… the feeling that nothing was worth it, there was no purpose to my life’s sufferings. There was no purpose to my life.

For me, this resolved when, out of the blue, I discovered my life’s purpose. It was an answer to my prayers. The old way of thinking about myself had to die to make room for the new revelation. It happened like this…

One day, I had the opportunity to speak with a man who was suffering emotionally, who was dealing with some of the same issues I had dealt with during the course of my sobriety. Specifically, it was childhood issues. I let him talk and then he asked if I had any words of wisdom to impart. I replied that all I could do was relay my experience. So I did, including the names of authors I had read that were helpful in my healing.

He was so grateful, he almost cried. As I walked to my car, I realized that my life’s sufferings had been useful to another, that had I not endured what I had, I wouldn’t have been able to help this man. Suddenly, my life had a purpose and I believed it was to share my story with others. Specifically, it was to share my book with the world, to tell the story of my journey, the story of the book’s journey.

From that day forward, I have not felt despair. I have felt enlivened, with a deep sense of purpose that involved helping others, being useful. That experience allowed me to get out of myself and display caring for my fellow human being. There is nothing quite like feeling you have helped another in need….

Have you felt despair and gotten past it? What was that like for you?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, defeat, despairing, life's purpose, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, sobriety, uselessness

Sorrow

January 1, 2011 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Agony of Sorrow

Searing pain is how I describe sorrow in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.” Webster defines sorrow as the deep, often long-continued mental anguish over loss, disappointment, sadness, grief, or regret. My sorrow was over the loss of a deep love I thought was a mutual feeling. It was not.

At the same time I was mourning the loss of a deep relationship with this man, and my extreme sense of loss and disappointment, I was dealing with the loss of a decent and happy childhood, for I, like many of us, did not have one. The pain I felt was all-consuming, raw. I was in agony with sorrow.

Then, over time, and with changes to my heart and mind, it released its grips. I cannot even point to the one incident that led it to disperse. I do know that through it all, I kept sober. Even though there were many times I didn’t think continued sobriety was worth it, I stayed sober anyway and found on the other side of sorrow that sobriety was and is absolutely worth it. It was my continued sobriety which allowed me to reach inner peace from the chaos and pain I felt.

Now, I look at the experiences with the man, or my childhood stuff – and I become grateful for them. How in the world can I be grateful for that which caused me such pain, you may ask? Well, without those experiences, I would not be who I am today.

And I like the caring and compassionate qualities which I feel and which I allow others to see. I like the life lessons I learned from the experiences, the ability to look into myself that I gained during the healing process, the grieving process. The journey to this place is what my book is all about.

The biggest thing for me was to allow myself to feel those feelings of sorrow for as long as they existed. I took responsibility to move forward in my growth, while still allowing myself to feel that sorrow when it arose. It took me five years to get past the unrequited love and the feelings of sorrow associated with that. If you’re dealing with sorrow, are you allowing yourself the time and space to feel it? There is a saying… “The only way past it is to go through it.” My best to you if you’re going through it right now.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, grief, loss, loss grief, mental anguish, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sorrow

I Could Use Your Help…

December 29, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

The next topic in the book is sorrow, and I am finding it difficult to write about that subject while I am feeling so joyful. It suddenly occurred to me I don’t have to write about sorrow. I can write about anything I choose! Awesome…

I’d like to talk about some changes coming soon. Starting in the new year, I will be offering limited edition prints, either as a print, a matted print, or a matted/framed print. I am thinking that each quarter, I could introduce a new print. Or, I could limit the edition to 50 or 100 prints and when those are sold, move to a new one. Any thoughts?

I would offer packages, each one including my book. The first would be a signed print and a book for “x” amount. I don’t know what I’d offer for the middle package, the matted, signed print, in addition to an autographed book. The third package, the matted/framed, signed print, would include a book and an audio CD of me not only reading the book, but telling some of the stories behind the verses and photos in the book, as well.

Each print would be an 11×14, matted to a 16×20. They would be professional ink-jet giclee prints on watercolor paper. How is this all sounding to you folks out there?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, giclee prints, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Love

December 26, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Love

The next topic in the book is sorrow. It is most difficult to write about that after such a glorious day yesterday, so I will hold off on writing about it. Instead, I’d like to talk about yesterday.

It was a day of love, one which I hope will continue as the days pass. It was the celebration of the birth of one who taught love for all mankind. I felt that yesterday… love for my fellows… did you? It was a very peaceful and fulfilling feeling. I showed that love by calling my family members, all of whom are scattered across the country. It felt wonderful to want to speak to them, to want to show my love for them…

I resurrected an old tradition from my marriage, which is that on Christmas day, we each would pick a project to complete during the day, a project that filled out soul. I did that yesterday, and ended up cleaning out and reorganizing the closet in my art room which houses all of my framed images, and prints of gates and abstracts. Things were somewhat thrown in there, to get them out of sight.

Everything was pulled from the closet, labeled and restocked. I gained enough space to accommodate 16 framed pieces which are returning from a gallery show at the end of the month.

Among all of these things, I found the framed image you see above, Love, with baby Jesus looking the viewer straight in the eye, as if to say, “Love. Love one another. Love yourself so you can love others, so your heart is overflowing and can shower others with it”

I echo those words, in hopes that we can shower ourselves and others with love, both today and throughout the coming year. Be the love you want to see in the world…

Filed Under: Joyous emotions Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, love, love for all mankind, love of others, love of self, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Feeling Worthless

December 19, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 9 Comments

Corner of Worthlessness

Do you struggle with feeling worthless? Of no use or value to others, to yourself? Do you hold yourself in low esteem?

This was me for most of my life… feeling useless to others and of no value, a self-esteem that was non-existent. I felt like a heap of debris in the corner, in the shadows. When it reached its maximum, it manifested for me as listlessness, inability to raise my energy to move forward, to work on projects, to eat. Often, I went from feeling worthless to feeling despair… what’s the point in living? At this point, I prayed to die.

I have struggled for years in sobriety with the issue of feeling worthless. What has worked for me when these feelings arise is to hold myself in positive regard, to review all of the ways in which I have been useful to others. Sometimes, I have to purposefully focus on my assets. I have needed help from friends and a therapist to do this, as well as the use of medication to treat my diagnosed major depression.

It took me a long time to be willing to take medication. That helped when I did. But the real thing which has helped in my feelings of worthlessness has been to help others when I am feeling this way. After I have helped someone, I feel more self-value, more self-esteem and I begin to feel like I am worth something.

We are all worthy as human beings, simply because we are here. If you are feeling worthless, there is help available. It might be beneficial to list out the ways in which you are good, things about yourself that you like. If you can find nothing, talk to someone and get their positive feedback about you. Second, there is help from a friend or therapist. Third, there is prayer to whatever or whomever you turn in times of need.

Whatever way you choose to get help, I applaud your efforts and wish you well. Remember, you are worthy simply because you are here.

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The holidays are upon us and I want you to be aware that I am offering a holiday special on my book. Currently, through Jan 2nd, it is $25.00, including shipping and tax for California residents. Order from the website or call 415-883-8325 to order directly.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, esteem, feeling unworthy, feeling useless, feeling worthless, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How To Overcome Fear – Conclusion

December 15, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Now it is time for amends… to myself and others. In this case, it’s not appropriate to tell others of the ways in which I may have harmed them – that would be more harmful. So, I make a living amends… I stop placing them in the role of rejecting me, judging me as less than. When those thoughts arise, I ask for them to be removed, I recognize them as harmful to another.

As far as with myself, I first apologize, and hold myself in compassion for having these thoughts. I remind myself I am a child of the Universe, equal to everyone else, with unique gifts to share with the world, just as all of us have unique gifts to share. I do a living amends by recognizing when these thoughts arise and asking that they be removed. I soothe myself.

Then I find the courage to go about doing what is right in front of me to do, in this case, it would be to send one email to one editor. I find the courage to do this through prayer. Low-and-behold, courage comes and I was able to send an email to all of the seven editors on my list. I was in the frame of mind that I was “equal to,” not “less then.”

The process of looking for my fears, and the harm to myself or others because of my fear, continues every day and I make amends when I identify the need. I continue with my spiritual practice. Then I find someone to whom I can offer help, perhaps someone who is in fear themselves, and I help if I can by sharing my story.

This is how I overcome fear. Do you have methods that work for you, or are you so consumed by it, that you are paralyzed?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, fear, living sober, making amends, Opening the Gates of the Heart, overcome fear, Sober Living

How To Overcome Fear – Continued

December 14, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

To continue with the previous post, we are at the point of taking action. I perform a self-appraisal, identifying the fear in my life, looking at how I react to it, at its origin. I talk over with a trusted friend or clergy, etc., what I have found on my self-inventory. Then, I become willing to have the Universe remove my fears, and I humbly ask for this.

At this point, I list out those who I have harmed by my reactions to fear. I may appear on this list, in addition to others, if for no other reason than because I most likely betrayed my soul in some way.

Here, let’s take an example. I am currently struggling with the fear of approaching radio and TV show hosts to try and get interviews so I can pass the word about my book. I am afraid to do this because I might stutter or not be able to articulate my thoughts and make a fool out of myself, or they may say no. Ah, rejection. I am afraid of rejection because I feel “less than,” not good enough. Ah, the heart of it.

On my list of how I’ve harmed myself or others because of these things, I may put that I am judging myself, being self-critical, that I am being dishonest with myself because I am equal to everyone else. I am being untrusting of the Universe to bring me what I need.

As far as how this harms others… I am depriving them of learning about the book, I am judging them as having a closed mind, so that’s character assassination, perhaps.

These are just a few examples of things to put on my harms list. Join me tomorrow as I talk about what to do with this list.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal, self-inventory, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Overcome Fear

December 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Webs of Fear

FEAR. Bleep Everything and Run. I was one of those that ran from my fear. I didn’t even realize how scared I was of everything and everybody. It consumed me… It controlled every action I took. Sometimes, I had the courage to walk through my fears, mostly for renovation projects I did, or traveling alone around the Western States and Baja in my van.

But what about finding the courage to let others into my world, to let them see who I really am? That has been more difficult. I’m talking about finding the courage to get past my fears that I will do or say something to make you mad at me, and the big one… that you won’t like me. This fear still continues today, although it has lessened a great deal.

So, how to overcome this fear? FEAR. Face Everything And Recover. What does this mean? It means I first develop awareness of my fears, I identify them. I admit I am powerless over them and decide to quit trying to manage them. I turn them over to the Universe for assistance. Then, I take action.

What does that action look like? Join me on Tuesday for more discussion about how to overcome fear….

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If you’re new to my blog, let me tell you that we are going through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, one topic at a time, as they appear in the book. If you like what you read here, you’ll most likely enjoy the experience of reading it.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, fear, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, oversome fear, Sober Living

At A Crossroads

December 9, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Good morning. We are at a crossroads. We have completed all the topics in the book. I will start over with fear and progress through the book again. And I am requesting your help.

The whole idea of this blog is to acquaint you with my book’s topics, which go from fear, worthlessness, and despair through self-awareness and discovery, to joy and peace. I can do this in one of four ways and would like you to tell me what you, as the readers, would like to see.

I can: 1) go through the topics again and talk about how I learned and grew from them. 2) I can talk in the “we” voice, about how each of these topics relate to us in general, in my observation. 3) I can talk about sobriety and what I have experienced and learned about each topic while sober. 4) I can intersperse my writing with video. Just bear in mind, I am much better writing then when in front of a camera.

Those are my options. I would love to take this blog in the direction which you would like to see. Please provide me feedback. It would be most helpful. Please include if you would like to continue to see the picture associated with each topic. Thank you!

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, finding inner peace, forgive, forgiving, inspirational, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety, spiritual growth, spiritual helaing

Inner Peace Leads To World Peace

December 7, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Promise of Peace

When I practice the principles of love for myself and others,

the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk,

and peace rises to greet me.

So it is when we practice kindness, tolerance, respect, compassion, forgiveness, etc.- the principles of living. If we start by providing these things to ourselves, it leads to inner peace. We allow ourselves to be human, while learning to assess our thoughts and behaviors, constantly loving ourselves and others.

Fueled by a full and overflowing heart, we can them be at peace with those in our immediate surroundings, which, in turn, leads to those people gaining inner peace and so forth. There is no end result. The cycle repeats itself endlessly, furthering world peace.

It is a nice scenario I weave, is it not? Yet, it was possible and happened that way for me. Once I was able to love, value, and repsect myself, I was able to truly love, value, and respect others. I gained peace I never thought I would find, both within and with those in my world.

It works. It really does!

***********************

Share the words of inspiration and hope in my book. Give a copy to a friend, or to yourself. Share in the process I went through to reach inner, and then outer, peace. I am having a holiday celebration and am selling the book for $25.00, including shipping and tax for California residents. This is a reduction from $29.95 plus shipping and applicable tax.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, forgiveness, how to forgive, inner peace, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, random acts of kindness, respect, tolerance, world peace

Pursuit of Serenity

December 2, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Balance of Serenity

I am serene,

carried to places where

I am held in balance

with great beauty and strength.

In the pursuit of serenity. do we try too hard? Is it something we do not need to actively pursue because it is a feeling with which we are graced?

The definition of serene is a state of being calm, tranquil – without agitation, free from disturbance. Ah, can’t you just feel being in that state? Don’t you wish to live there most of the time?

Perhaps the way to get there is to take certain steps that have been discussed throughout this blog… such as starting with searching ourselves, identifying our fears and the cause of them, assessing our behavior with others and ourselves. Is it kind, loving?

Then we can choose to adopt principles of living that are loving, such as kindness, tolerance, respect. We learn to live with compassion and forgiveness. The result is living in love, and serenity is a by-product of that. It’s a lovely place to live.

*********

Our book topics draw to an end, just as the holiday season begins. I’d like to let it be known that I will be offering a special holiday rate of $25 for my book, including shipping and tax for CA residents. This is a holiday special you don’t wish to miss! Whether for yourself or another, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing makes an excellent gift! What a wonderful way to start the new year!

This special rate will run from approximately Dec 6th (I have to check with my webmaster), through December 31st. I will keep you posted of the start date. And remember, I will sign each book.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, forgiveness, Gate Lady Publishing, how to forgive, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, tolerance

Living With Joy

November 29, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Burst of Joy

Are you living with joy in your life? What does it look like for you?

It can be as simple as the proverbial smelling a rose, drinking in that glorious fragrance, recognizing the wonder of its creation. The simple noticing of nature around you can bring joy, as one really notices the miracles. It feels joyful to be a witness, to be a part of something so magnificient.

A great deal of joy can be gained by just watching people with an open heart… a dad holding his child, talking quietly, explaining… a child’s face, lit up with excitement over some new discovery… the expression of gratitude on the face of someone who has just received a gift… an older couple, holding hands…

For some, joy comes in different packages. For example, the reflection of light on a gate’s metal… a plant thriving under your care… a rainbow on the wall from crystals in your window… a piece of art, displayed so beautifully…

I once had a neighbor tell me he never had experienced joy in his whole life. I was extremely sad to hear that. And yet, it has only been since I’ve been sober that I, myself, have known true joy. Perhaps it is achieved once one’s heart is cleared and can open to the world around. At any rate, joy is an emotion you don’t want to miss. To experience joy is to bathe the soul in light.

Do you live with joy? How do you find it, or does it find you?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, gratitude, living sober, miracles, Opening the Gates of the Heart, sober, sobriety

About What Are You Passionate

November 23, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Fulfillment of Dreams

I am waking up from a lifetime of sleeping

and am just beginning to learn to play,

to fill my sails and dance across the shimmering waters.

Such a nice picture painted in the mind’s eye, don’t you think? Sscooting across the water on a sailboat, feeling the swell of the water, the wind on your face. Not your thing? I’m sure there is something that is your dream, your passion.

Following your dream can be equated to following your bliss, engaging in your passion. About what are you passionate? What do you do that leads you to get lost in the moment, so focused and intent that the world around you slips away?

For me, it was photographing gates. Now it is writing copy for various marketing materials for the book. So, I am following the bliss of writing, the thrill I receive when a phrase comes out really nice. It happens and I am excited every time. Both of these have led to the discovery of my life’s purpose.

I have been incredibly fortunate to have discovered my dreams; I didn’t know what they were during all the years I drank, or as a child. I discovered them after I was sober a few years. Then, I was given the gift of being able to follow them by taking action with necessary steps. For example, I took several photo classes to become a photographer. That led me to the gates. The gates led me to the book. Getting the book into the world is my calling; it all goes back to following my dreams and taking responsibility for them.

Even later in life, it’s glorious to be experiencing this! Jump on in.

What is it that drives you, that leads you to focus intently, in utter happiness? What are your dreams?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: became sober, Carolyn CJ Jones, living dreams, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, passionate, passions, Sober Living, sobriety

Happiness Is A Choice – Part 2

November 21, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I missed the tomorrow to which I referred in my last post, and now it is today. A good day for explanation.

I wonder if we, after experiencing any situation in which we are the object of abuse or trauma, are relagated to playing the victim for our lifetime. It has been my experience that that is not necessary. What I have found as necessary is taking responsibility for my inner world and that means looking at it -learning about the affects trauma xyz victims experience, and trying to find ways to heal from it all.

What was necessary for me was to heal the wounds of hurt, betrayal, and anger from the original trauma. This was quite difficult to feel, but it became very necessary as part of my becoming sober. I did a lot of reading – Claudia Black was best for me: there’s also John Bradshaw, Alice Miller.

From these people were suggestions about how to recover. I followed their suggestions, continued with my sobriety, and sought counseling. I wrote voraciously about my feelings. It was still all blaming until I looked at how I had treated my ex-husband. Now there’s where I saw that I was repeating behaviors I had endured earlier in life. I was doing the very thing that had been done to me.

Ah, a golden nugget of information. With that information came the realization that I said those things because I felt horrible about myself; perhaps the perpetrators years ago had felt badly about themselves, also. It didn’t excuse the behavior and actions, yet it allowed me to have compassion for them, for us both. From that compassion sprang forgiveness, given more time.

After forgiveness, came the ability to be happy and peaceful within. That has led to great joy for me. And the key was for me to take responsibility for my interior world.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Alice Miller, Carolyn CJ Jones, Claudia Black, forgiveness, Gate Lady, John Bradshaw, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, Sober Living, sobriety

Happiness is a Choice – Part 1

November 18, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Celebration of Choices

I see a little man with his top hat,

arm raised above his shoulder in salute.

He celebrates his recent discovery… he has choices in his life.

It is freeing to learn one can choose at any point.

Ah, cause for celebration!

It may be easier to recognize how one has a choice over their actions more easily than seeing that one also has a choice over their emotions. Learning that happiness is a choice takes many people a lifetime and some never learn it. They continue in life, perhaps, with deep resentments, unhealed wounds, and hurt feelings. This does not have to be the case.

How DOES one choose to be happy amidst the fray described above? One makes the decision, ah, a choice being made to change the status quo, that their mental and emotional world is making their life unmanageable. They recognize their heart is closed and they need to do something about it.

Once one realizes the internal insanity they are experiencing and are willing to do anything to conquer it, a critical key in the process is learning to do an honest self-assessment to determine their part in whatever it is evoking the emotion. Maybe it is as basic and crucial as they are not taking responsibility for their inner world, instead blaming everyone and everything for their misery.

A more sane, and perhaps mature, response is to examine one’s actions, words spoken, and thoughts, to assess if they were damaging to another or to themselves. Practice this until Part 2, which I will post tomorrow, and see how it feels.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, choice, healing journey, Opening the Gates of the Heart, resentments, Sober Living

Open Hearts Present a Realm of Possibilities

November 16, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Realm of Possibilities

“If I climb the steps, anything is possible. Anything.”

The gates stand ready – open, inviting, imploring, beseeching… asking us to pass through. We see the stairs curve out of sight. Perhaps the thought of climbing them brings fear, excitement, anxiety. So, we pause…

We pause and become still, perhaps, that we may better see that which is before us. Being still is the ability to be in the moment and to receive graciously what is being given, without embarrassment, resistance, struggle, or fear. Being still is what allows us to connect with what is right in-front of us. Being still allows us to take action once we have filled ourselves with stillness – if it’s appropriate, that is. Sometimes, all that’s called for is for us to be still and receive.

Being still opens our inner world of emotions and allows us access to them. From that vantage point, we notice more possibilities, more choices, and the enticement to climb yet more stairs grows. In turn, we are able to open our heart more, as we experience the joy of connecting with ourselves and others.

Taking action often requires courage. From where does that courage stem? It could be from one’s faith, allowing trust in the unknown, believing that one will always be taken care of. Words of strength can come from others, bolstering us up at jus the right moment. It can even be from a stranger that we receive these words! Often, these sources grant us the courage we need to walk up the steps, even if still fearful.

And what of receiving? This is a pet peeve of mine. Sometimes, we do not know how to accept a compliment, perhaps are unable due to low feelings about ourselves, or we think we are not worthy. We negate or reject the words of another, making light of them instead of just saying “thank you,”inadvertently slapping the compliment-giver in the face, so to speak.

Learn to be still, with an open heart, and allow another’s opinion to flood through us, to saturate our being. Allow another’s self-expression to be respected, so that person’s spirit is not squashed. Open our hearts to receive with grace. Practice…

Today, these open gates led me to meander up the stairs of stillness, to peek a little around the bend at receiving. We got there when we opened our heart and walked up the stairs.

It’s amazing what we discover when we open our heart, walk up the stairs, and find the whole world of our emotions…. a realm of possibilities.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, courage, fear, open heart, Opening the Gates of the Heart

The Art of Gratitude

November 11, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Visions of Gratitude

I don’t normally talk about the story behind the gate, but for this one, I will. I was on the edge of this gate’s property, with my tripod partially on the driveway, which meant, technically, that I was trespassing. I looked up from my viewfinder to see the owner approaching me. “Uh-oh. I’m in trouble now,” I thought.

Suddenly, the man coming toward me smiled. He let himself through the gate and asked what I was doing. I told him I had a passion for gates, and his was so lovely, I had to get it on film. He proceeded to tell me that his name in German meant “rose,” and that he had the gate made for him with all the roses you see. We chatted a bit more, and then he left me to photograph. I have always remembered his graciousness and I was grateful I did not get in trouble.

I didn’t used to be a grateful person. In fact, I used to complain about most everything in my life not being enough. Then, through the course and grace of sobriety, I slowly learned how to look at things differently.

I began to see everything that happened in my life as an opportunity to be grateful… about something. For example, I have a feral cat, whom I have had for 5 years now. Most of the time, she allows me to pet her, but sometimes, she shies away from me when I reach my hand out. I start to go to that place of feeling hurt that she won’t let me pet her, that she shies away, and then suddenly, I remember all the times when she will let me pet her. I make the decision to be grateful for those times and to keep those times in my mind. The hurt goes away when I think that, and my spirit soars, so glad that I can show her my affection in that manner.

It’s a bit like looking at things through rose-colored glasses, but, yet, it’s different. I look at a situation or experience and accept it as it is, even if it’s difficult, and then choose to look for the positive point in the situation. There is always something positive about everything that happens. The challenge and skill becomes seeing it in very trying times.

I appreciate one thing about every situation in which I find myself. When I do that, everything in and around me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful. After a while, gratitude becomes automatic. When I am in that place, I experience great joy, great peace.

What are the things in your life for which you are grateful?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, Sober Living, sobriety

See The World With Wonder

November 10, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Moments of Wonder

Good morning, all! Thank you for your faithfulness as I get it together to get on a consistent blogging schedule.

Do you see the star in this picture? It took me months before I saw it, and I only saw it when I put the image against the wall and stepped back. Then, I saw it! That star which appeared… out of nowhere. I was struck with awe and wonder in that moment and, hence, the title Moments of Wonder.

Wonder is a beautiful thing, as so many things can be seen with wonder… the delicate innards of a flower, the flight of a hummingbird, a parent comforting an upset child with soothing words and actions, an older person, getting around even though difficult, the majesty of a sunset…

There is wonder everywhere, if only we take the time and are in the mindset to see things in that manner. Everything becomes a wonder, a marvel, not just the obvious things like a beautiful scene in nature.

It seems that when seeing things with wonder, our gratitude for everything increases, and joy and peace descend upon us. Our heart opens…

What are the things which lead you to see the world with wonder?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: awe, Carolyn CJ Jones, gratitude, inspirational, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, wonder

Do You Have Trouble Accepting What Is?

November 2, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Path of Acceptance

Accepting what is… do you resist it, fight against it? I did for most of my life. It’s only been in sobriety, and years of it, that I have learned to accept life on life’s terms. And I now accept things peacefully, without angst. My energy is then free to take any action I need to take.

There is a different quality between accepting what is and resigning one’s self to a situation. The latter has the makings of despair, hopelessness, and powerlessness. It is fraught with emotion, while the former allows peace of mind to prevail. It allows one to do some soul-searching, determining one’s part in an affair.

When we accept what is, we are opening ourselves up to grace. We are opening ourselves up to change, perhaps. It can be exciting, bringing opportunity that wouldn’t exist otherwise. When we accept something exactly the way it is, it gives us the power to look at any action that may be needed and it allows us presence of mind to take that action.

We demonstrate trust and faith as we realize things are just as they are intended to be at any given moment. This brings us peace. Only when we accept what is does the way become clear to make change. And, it is less tiring when we accept.

Does acceptance mean we like something? No, not necessarily. We can be vehemently opposed to something, yet, we recognize it as being “what is” in the moment. Then we can work with it.

In what ways do you resist accepting “what is” in your life?

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Author statement: It is my intent in bringing you this blog, to acquaint you with the topics in my book. I present them in the blog in the same order in which they appear in the book. The sequence of topics reflects my own healing journey in sobriety, from deep despair and feeling worthless, to joy and peace. I hope you find in these pages that which you seek.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Gate Lady, grace, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace of mind, sober, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Shades of Harmony

October 25, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Shades of Harmony

Again, I cannot believe it has been so long since I blogged and I humbly ask your pardon. I truly have had difficulty getting back in the groove since the book’s launch. To those who have continued to visit during my down time… thank you for your faithfulness.

Let’s start in where we left off, talking about each topic in the book as it appears. Today’s topic is harmony. The verse starts with:

When do we take the time to just listen to the breeze, the quietness,

the ramblings of our mind, or the world around us?

When are we just still?

When I wrote this, I was reminded of how the world moves at such a frenetic pace, I wonder when we DO just slow down and listen to what is in our heart, our soul. Moving ever-so-fast, it is impossible to hear ourselves, isn’t it? I mean, when do we take the time to be with ourselves, to be in harmony with ourselves?

For me, I started listening when I was traveling in my van and had no TV, no radio. There were times in the evenings, after I’d driven for the day, to just be still and listen to the outdoors. This time allowed me to connect with myself, to connect with a higher force, to reflect on the day – my thoughts, my actions, the ways in which I interacted with the world. It was cathartic and healing.

What does your time look like when you are just still, listening to your heart, listening to the world?

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Opening the Gates of the Heart

A Sacred Event – A Book Launch

October 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

How do I describe how a book launch was a sacred event? Maybe a better way to say it, is that it was spiritual, reverent.

I only know that standing in front of the room with all eyes turned on me was humbling. I felt called to speak to these people and, as such, was not too nervous. It seemed like the right thing to be doing, the next indicated thing.

A hush came over the crowd, as my publicist introduced me. I gulped, and it was show time! After acknowledgments, the talk quickly turned to reading of verses from the book, while projecting its paired image. Starting with worthlessness, I worked my way through honesty, openness, and willingness, past tolerance, to rest on peace. I was unprepared for the clapping which came when I was done. I felt like an author! That I was being recognized as an author, and a photographer! A special moment in my psyche.

We moved on and I told my story – of brokenness, heart-ache, and disappointment beyond my ability to cope, and that to manage my feelings, I drank. A lot. Before long, the talk turned to my recovery, my becoming sober, entering sobriety… how my brokenness became wholeness.

Faces all turned to me were attentive, awaiting my next words… some smiles, some nods, but rapt, serious attention. It was a gentle atmosphere, one of reverence… there’s just no other word. Spirit was felt and radiated on the upturned faces. I was in wonder, in gratitude for everyone’s reaction to my words, for everyone’s participation.

When I finished, I read a quote about needing to be our authentic selves first before we can find that safe environment for which we search, one in which we can trust others and open up to them. My closing statement and question was, You are either a victim of your circumstances or you are a powerful, conscious creator. Which do you choose for your life? I pose this question to you…

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, honesty, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Openness, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness

Backstage at a Book Launch

October 11, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

I’d been ready for weeks… carefully packing together the items that went to the same room of the mansion, the Falkirk Cultural Center. You see, the boxes were packed in preparation of my book launch, which was this past Friday, the 8th, at the Falkirk mansion.

I had the place rented from 5:30, but we arrived at 4:45, myself and my assistant for the affair, Ann. We both came driving full cars. Karla, a former classmate and friend who came from Worthington, Ohio, was in my car and the designated co-coordinator of the event. Both Karla and Ann were armed with the maps I gave them, telling where to put what, to transform the manion into a personal place of mine for the evening.

They let us set up early, which was a saving grace; it allowed us to take our time, slowly and lovingly placing everything in its spot. There were several framed images of gates, as well as plants for mantles and tables. The kitchen crew, Dottie and Karen, got busy cutting the lavoche sandwisches that Ellen made the day before, and started cutting the crusts off the tuna sandwiches that Ellen made earlier in the day. Under control… I moved on to my area, the parlor.

My presentation involved the use of a slide show, well, what equates to a power point presentation on a pc… I was on a mac. Set up the projector and no signal. Oh, NO! I had been through this before I was instructed in the changes to make in the display mode in systems preferences when using the projector. I was at a loss and my mind quickly moved forward, scrambling to think how to show the pictures that went along with my talk.I could turn the somputer around so people could follow along… not ideal, but a solution…

As luck would have it, the projector suddenly was seen by the computer and I had my images, projected on the screen. As I had been doing all of this, Midge, Sandy, Carla, and Charlotte had been setting up the chairs, keeping aisles where I had requested so people could navigate among them. They even creatively put a bit of a slant to the chairs, giving it a more intimate feel.

Guests began to arrive… one at a time, and it was so nice to greet each and every one. People began to mingle, to introduce themselves to each other, to dialogue. I was pleased and happy that people were making their own fun, their own joy, that they were connecting without my intervention. My heart was filled to overflowing. There were angels everywhere, helping out, pouring forth love…

Then we cut the cake. I forgot to say that everyone who was there had in some way been connected to the book, whether to listen to my triumphs or my woes, to offer support and encouragement, to read countless edits of the book, or that I had hired… each was special to me and each helped to move the book forward. It would have given the guests that commonality that they could then talk about over cake. But I forgot…

After the cake was done, everyone began to gather in the parlor. Oh, my. This was about to become my show, with the spotlight on me. I was going to have to speak to all these people…

And speak I did. Join me tomorrow for the Continuation of the Launch – A Sacred Event…

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: book launch, Carolyn CJ Jones, Falkirk Cultural Center, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Behind the Scenes of a Book Launch

October 7, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

I don’t know where to start. I mean, it’s been about 2-3 weeks since I’ve blogged. Eeks. Where did the time go? I left on vacation and when I came back, just could not seem to get back in the swing of things. I apologize to those of you who have been checking my site, and I also thank you for your perseverance and loyalty.

The day I have dreamed of for a long time is upon me. I am launching my book tomorrow. I have planned a gala affair at an historical mansion in a neighboring town. It’s almost as detailed as planning my wedding in ’92. In an effort to minimize any confusion, I have written out the flow of the evening… letting people know what needs to happen at what time, delineating everyone’s role. I have also made a map of the space where we’ll be, with a diagram of what goes where. That way, anyone can set up the place.

Seven of my framed gate images will be displayed here and there throughout the space. There will be copies of the book with little fake candles next to the book, on the several mantles. There will be food – sandwiches, the roll up kind – and tuna for the vegetarians. Of course, there’s a cake. Chocolate with vanilla icing.

For the presentation, I will project images of the boat I once lived aboard, as I tell my story of how the book got its start. I’ll also have some of the van I renovated that then became home for three years. It is relevant because that is where I lived when I shot a lot of the gates. Then,. there are about 15 images of gates, for which I shall read the prose. I’ve had trouble with the new projector I bought and have had to get another. It is coming overnight FedEx today. Nothing like the last minute!

This is exciting for me. I cannot wait to debut my book! It wants so badly to be presented to the world and this is a perfect venue for that. I asked my neighbor, Ann, to be the manager of the event and she graciously agreed. She will be the “go to” person during the evening, should anything go awry. She has been responsible to make inquiring phone calls and to arrange things, as needed. An old high school classmate from 40 years ago is flying out from Worthington, Ohio to assist, simply because we are sisters in sobriety. Is that being useful, or what?!

A credit card machine will be there; one which I have owned for years and have not known how to work. I found out how to work it yesterday, and now it won’t upload the charges I made to my card as tests. It is not detecting the dial tone of the phone. Oh dear. I need to have this working. So, I am awaiting a call from the manufacturer today to fix the problem. Again, nothing like the last minute!

Everything that needs to go is packed in boxes in my spare bedroom. It’s amazing how much it takes to put on an affair of this type. It will be a lovely welcoming birth of a book that longs to speak to the world. If you are in the vicinity of the Falkirk Cultural Center in San Rafael, CA 94901, at 6:30 pm, please stop in. I’d love to see you and for you to hear the unique story of how the book was created. See you there!

And so it is behind the scenes of a book launch…

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: book launch, Carolyn CJ Jones, Falkirk Cultural Center, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Inviting Kind and Gentle Dialogue

September 14, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Invitation of Dialogue

If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?

This is the prose that appears in the book with this image. When I talk about people speaking to each other, I am referring to talking civilly with each other, listening to what the other person is saying, without judgment, defensiveness, attacking, minimizing, or belittling.

I have not often been a witness to communication that is absent of these things. Oh, yes, for the non-threatening and less important things I see calm and civil communication. But when we are talking about our feelings or beliefs, I hear a lot of attacking, a lot of belittling, a lot of defensiveness.

Why is this? I believe it is fear… fear that we will lose something we have or not get something we want. Acting out of this fear, we lash out at another. Perhaps we have been hurt emotionally, even physically by another and we speak from this hurt.

How can we change this? Perhaps, if we remember to speak with kindness, with tolerance, our communication will be more gentle. Perhaps, if we can work through our pain and find forgiveness in our heart, communication will be more civil. Perhaps, if we are accepting of ourselves, firm in who we are, we will not have the need to lash out at the other. Perhaps, if we resolve not to verbally attack another, we can communicate with peace.

What are the ways in which you invite kind and gentle dialogue?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: accepting of self, Carolyn CJ Jones, forgiveness, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, tolerance

Do You Encourage Another’s Differences?

September 6, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Cultivation of Differences

We ask, require, and demand that those around us be like us, share our attributes and our beliefs. In so doing, we compare… one to another. In that process, do we not squash the spirit of one who is different from us?

One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in his/her own right… if we will only look, if we will only see.

Such are some of the words from the verse for this image. In writing these words, I was struck with the memory of how I was compared to my siblings from an early age, and the effect that has had on me during my life. The result has been the belief that what I do is never good enough. I am always pushing myself to do better, to do differently.

I believe that to compare one to another is detrimental. Let’s, instead, look at the differences of others and celebrate the differences that we see, that we find when we allow ourselves to look with awe at another. Let’s cultivate our uniqueness, thus allowing the other to flourish in their garden of life.

To do this is to show love, respect, and kindness to another. How do you cultivate the differences of another? Do you encourage one’s differences? Do you celebrate their uniqueness? Does it give you a good feeling inside to do these things?

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, inspirational posters, kindness, love, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect

Experience Grace

August 31, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Sweep of Grace

Grace is a state of being that sweeps down upon us. It is an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure that gently and quietly is bestowed upon us.

When do we know we’re in grace? Perhaps it is having that great sense of knowingness inside that lets us know we are experiencing grace. There is a quietness to that feeling, where everything else tunes itself out and we are left with a deep smile in our soul. Everything falls nicely and easily into place, without needing to push on our part; it only requires us to take action. Then we let go of the results and more to the next thing which needs our attention.

How do we reach grace? We practice the principles of living which we have discussed… such as tolerance, respect, gentleness, kindness, compassion… We show these things for others, as well as for ourselves. To get to the place where we are able to do that, we look at ourselves – our actions, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs – and we do a self-appraisal of these things, looking at the things which block us from being a more loving person… to others and to ourselves.

We look honestly, even if it hurts, even if it is embarrassing. And when we do, we take action to correct those thoughts and actions to be a kindlier person; by doing this, we experience grace. What does grace look in your life when you experience it?

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Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, despair, feeling worthless, inspirational posters, joy, kindness, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, respect, self-appraisal, tolerance

Examine Your Character

August 29, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Growth of Character

Do you look, over time, at the wall of your being? Do you examine your character which has grown over the years? If you are living a sober life, then you do a self-appraisal daily, keeping track of your behaviors, your actions, and you adjust them when necessary.

You learn to practice the things about which we have talked… tolerance, respect, acknowledgment. And, in so doing, you are lending to the improvement and growth of your character.

What is meant by “character”? In the image, it is the growth of moss on the concrete wall, it is that which lends distinction. So is it with us. Our character is what makes us unique; it’s our distinctive mark. It is the sum of how we treat each other… and ourselves.

You have the chance to examine your character on an on-going basis, every day. Perhaps all it takes is honesty, openness, and willingness. Perhaps it involves fortitude – the courage to patiently endure pain and misfortune. This leads to a growth in your character, in that which makes you, you.

What are the rewards of growing our character? It raises our self-esteem; we like ourselves better and, in turn, we can like others better also. Pretty nice reward for learning to examine your character, don’t you think?

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Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acknowledgment, Carolyn CJ Jones, examine your character, inspirational posters, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, self-appraisal, sober life, sobriety, tolerance

Why Do We Judge Others So Harshly?

August 25, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Absence of Judgment

Why so we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?

Why so we judge ourselves so harshly for being who we are, if our actions and behaviors feed our spirit and are not harmful to ourselves or others?

This thought occurred to me one day as I was thinking about my neighbor, who is a little odd in his habits. After a minute, I admitted to myself that if someone were to look in at my life, I, too, am odd. I drew myself up short as I realized how I was judging, rather than seeing each of us as just how we are.

From that grew the inclusion of all of us as a people and how we spend a lot of time judging. While it is necessary to assess others – their behaviors, thoughts, actions – as they relate to our personal safety and well-being, we tend to not stop there. We, instead, continue and find fault with what we discover.

Instead of appreciating the individuality of another, we stand in judgment, assigning positive and negative thoughts or even statements to people, about the other’s “flaws.” This amounts to character assignation. Where is the cultivation of the differences of another?

Perhaps, it is a choice we make – to not assign positive or negative, good versus bad, right versus wrong, to our assessment of another. Perhaps, we are not even aware we are judging; we would see whether we are or are not, upon closer self-examination or self-appraisal.

Once having looked at ourselves and found we are judging, we can make the choice to stop that behavior, for to do so leads to peace, both within and in our world.

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Carolyn CJ jones is the author and photographer of the book, “Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.” This is a book of wrought-iron gate photographs and inspirational prose that reflects her healing journey through deep and utter despair to joy and peace. This blog is the discussion of each topic as it appears in the book. Photos and/or the prose from the book begin each post. Further information about Carolyn and her book can be found in “About Carolyn” and “About the book” above.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, individuality, judging others, judgmental, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self-appraisal

How To Respect Individuality

August 24, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Respect of Individuality

I love how all the spires are marching in a row and keeping in line except the first one. It is standing out, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be respected for who and what it is. It is like those of us who dare to show our individuality, to display our uniqueness.

For we all are unique. We each have a special thing that we do, a special way of “being” in the world. Different beliefs, different interests, different opinions, different things we are good at. It is a rainbow of beauty.

But sometimes, we ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us? Why?

Is it because it threatens us when someone isn’t like us; are we fearful of that difference? Is it because we didn’t have the opportunity to follow our own dream and we are trying to get another to fulfill it? Or, are we that one that was ridiculed for our interests, the things we did, the way we dressed and we are cautious of making known our individuality?

Regardless of which side of the coin we are on, we can change our mind about how we look at a person’s uniqueness and, yes, even our own. We begin to choose to celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging and cheering on others and ourselves to greatness, daring all to stand out, to be unique, to be individual. We realize we have a choice to choose that attitude and that we can them take responsibility and act on it.

In so doing, we all shine. Our esteem is increased and we feel more secure about ourselves. We become excited, observing others succeed, watching ourselves succeed. We learn that when we practice respecting another’s uniqueness, we experience joy, serenity, and peace. We become whole inside. We are at home with ourselves and others.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, choice, fear, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, serenity

Ways To Show Acknowledgment To Others

August 20, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Acknowledgment of Others

We go within so we can reach out to others and we reach out to others so we can go within. It is a never-ending circle of acknowledgment – of each other, and of ourselves.

We just want to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves.

We do not need to do this alone. We need to help each other.

I was so excited when this gate showed up. It came across my path when I moved out of my van into an apartment, in preparation for major wrist surgery from a work-related injury. I digress… This gate reminded me of little “people,” beings, if you will, looking at each other, while their backs were to another. It represented what is spoken about in the first stanza above.

Which do we do first? Acknowledgment of another or acknowledgment of ourselves? They are intertwined and, perhaps, cannot be separated, if one believes in paying respect to others as a way of life. Yet, often we forget to acknowledge others, we don’t even consider acknowledging ourselves.

Why is this so? Perhaps, we get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget. Perhaps, we don’t see ourselves as worthy of our attention, or we see such an acknowledgment as self-centered. But as the verse states above, we need both forms, both ways to show acknowledgment to others. We cannot do one without the other, as life is a continually-evolving circle of giving and receiving, seeking and finding, caring and being cared about.

To show acknowledgment to another is to show respect for them as a human being. It is a way of saying I see you, or, you matter. To show acknowledgment to oneself is to show respect for one’s feelings, desires. It’s a way to say to ourselves that we matter as a person, that we are worthy of being noticed.

So, what are some ways to show acknowledgment to others? A simple nod while giving direct eye contact, and with a smile preferably, is all it really takes most of the time. It tells the customer that the clerk has seen him and will be with him as soon as possible, allowing the customer to practice patience. It tells the homeless man that he is seen as a fellow human being, deserving of something other than driving on without even looking, without offering the most minimal of greetings, allowing the person a shred of dignity.

It’s as simple as telling our spouses thank you for the things they do in our lives, even if it is as simple as taking out the trash or making the bed. This allows the spouse to feel that what they have done matters, that their effort was noticed and appreciated. We all need to feel this. When we do, the circle grows.

This type of acknowledgment by others allows us to feel cared about, better about ourselves. When we feel better about ourselves, we can give more attention to others and be less centered in self. When we give more attention to others, we can be more cared about. And so the circle evolves. It’s a joyous experience when we act upon it.

We really can’t do it alone. We truly need to help each other.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acknowledgment, acknowledgment to others, Carolyn CJ Jones, inspirational posters, little people, living sober, motivational speakers, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety

Persevering With Patience

August 18, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Patina of Patience

Persevering with patience can be a tricky thing. I mean, haven’t most of us been taught that if something is not working, to force it more, to try harder? The message is that we’ve not tried hard enough. There is a flaw in this way of thinking, however.

Sometimes when we push, we are pushing against the river, pushing against the flow of things, against the forces of the Universe. How do we know when this is happening? Things are difficult, do not flow smoothly. We run into lots of obstacles. We cause ourselves undue suffering. What can we do about this?

We can develop the practice of persevering with patience. This means we take action, we do the next indicated thing in front of us to do, and then we sit back and patiently await results. We turn our attention to the next thing which has appeared that needs to be done, even if it is doing the housework.

Like the patina on the gate, good things come iin time, with patience. Perseverance and patience are thought to be two keys to success. They certainly have the capability of bringing us peace of mind.

The results of our actions are either what we were hoping for, or they are a total surprise and are far nicer than what we had imagined. Sometimes, the answer is “no” to our request to the Universe and we would save ourselves some grief if we just accepted that, and tried another path.

In other words, we practice persevering with patience.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, perseverance, persevering, Sober Living

How Do We Persevere?

August 15, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Rolls of Perseverance

The verse which accompanies this image talks about learning not to feel discouraged, or, to feel like a failure, if our first attempts at being the person we want to be does not work out. The word “failure” stands out to me as a difficult belief about oneself, a difficult emotion, one which warrants further discussion.

Of late, there have been several quotes about failure on Twitter and FaceBook. In short, the message is that there are no failures, only results which have not yet been discovered. It’s only a failure if we don’t pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again.

But the bottom line is, to try again, to persevere. We continue to make adjustments to who we are as a person – our beliefs about ourselves, others, how we treat each. It is only through trying again that we can get anywhere. Yet, how do we try again? In the same manner? No. We use different tools – a self-appraisal to locate and to objectively look at ourselves, our attempt. We consider a different perspective, an open mind, willingness. We persevere. We gather new input, and we get help if it’s needed…

Perhaps, we allow ourselves to grieve the loss of our desire before we start again. At the same time, we celebrate our efforts of trying at all. Some choose not to change, you know. Do you suppose an individual who goes through life never looking at themselves and making adjustments is happy? I wasn’t.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, open mind, open-mindedness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, perseverance, self-appraisal, Willingness

Hopefulness As A Way of Life

August 13, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Ray of Hope

” A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart”

As we blog our way through the topics of my book, we now arrive at hope. We have begun with great angst – fear, sorrow, and despair. Then, we became aware of ourselves, our situation, how we are in the world. Courage was bestowed upon us when we turned to a sacred force for assistance.

We became willing to look at ourselves with honesty and openness as we performed a self-appraisal, which led us to accept ourselves. As we looked at ourselves, we applied compassion and kindness, the same of which we bestow upon those we meet on our path.

Once we have a sense of ourselves in the world, our role, our interactions, we begin to have hope - that we are okay as a human being, that others can be trusted, that we can find happiness in ourselves and the world around us. This hope has occurred because of the process we have been through up to this point. We are beginning to feel more complete and whole, which spurs our hope. We continue to feel hope as we repeat the steps discussed up to this point. It is an on-going cycle that breeds more hope.

What are the ways in which you feel hope in your life?

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As the award-winning author and photographer of her book of inspirational prose and photographs of wrought-iron gates, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration, hope, and empowerment to those in transition, to those souls in the corner who struggle. View the video about the book; stroll through the pages, both of which are located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, courage, honest, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Openness, self-appraisal, willing

How To Accept Yourself

August 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Acceptance of Self

“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, our spirit?”

Perhaps the biggest, most revealing, and most rewarding thing we can do in the process of accepting ourselves is to perform a self-inventory, an appraisal. This needs to encompass everything about you – your strong as well as weak points, positive as well as negative, the things you hate and the things you adore.

Armed with this information, we can apply the “being human” factor. This is how we consider the negative behaviors and beliefs we have displayed. Rather than beat ourselves up for them, we can begin by recognizing that our being human played a part in it. We acted like a human being that is fallible. We can have compassion for ourselves for thinking ill of that person, ourself, who was being human. This compassion helps us to forgive ourselves.

When we can forgive ourselves, we can begin to accept who was are, with all our quirks and imperfections, as well as the delightful things about us. Don’t we discover, in this process, that we are merely the person we have always been in our goodness, at our core? We now have more life experiences and, thus, wisdom from which to draw. We have grown over the years, yet, we remain the same in a body that changes.

From our inventory, we can identify when we were wrong and we can promptly admit it. We can make amends to those we have hurt, as long as it won’t hurt them or someone else. We begin to respect and like ourselves more when we can change our beliefs and behaviors to be more kind, tolerant, and respectful.

These good things we derive from making positive changes in our lives leads us to accept ourselves more. We resign ourselves to who we are, yet it is not with an air of resignation with which we do this. It is, in fact, with a new-found knowledge of our essence, our spirit, that we meet the world. We have a sense of calmness, of knowingness.

This is a formula for happiness, as Evelyn Roberts Brooks talks about in her blogs. We can relax. We can enjoy the company of others, and of ourselves, more fully. We are led to peace…

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, respectful, self-appraisal, self-inventory, tolernat

How To Try To Forgive

August 11, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Tiers of Forgiveness

“The moisture of our tears encourages a blanket of softness to grow over the rocks of resentment which, over time, cleanses and dissolves the hardness. Over time, we become able to forgive others.

Softness continues to expand, hardness continues to melt. Over time, we are even able to forgive ourselves.”

Why is it important to try to forgive? Perhaps the main reason is to achieve freedom from the anger and resentment that we feel toward one who has wronged us. This is not achieved because we condone what the other did, nor is that advocated. Forgiveness is more about us and the effect our continued resentment is having on us.

Resentment and anger are exhausting. They suck the very spirit out of us, preventing us from experiencing unencumbered joy and peace. We continue with tension, tight muscles, a churning stomach, high blood pressure…

Given that our energy is used in such a manner, why do we continue? Often, it is because we feel justified, feel that the misery created is our badge to be worn, to display to the world that we have had a hard time and that is what has made us what we are. Unfortunately, this belief keeps us in the victim role, often feeling sorry for ourselves. This is detrimental to our very spirit. It is draining for those around us.

How can we try to forgive? It is helpful to do a self-appraisal, to look at one’s own responses in a similar situation. Sometimes, we may realize we are doing the very thing for which we are angry. When we can realize this, we are able to have compassion for ourselves, which then leads to compassion for the other person. We are able to see them as fallible human beings, perhaps in acute emotional pain. Armed with compassion, forgiveness happens. The rocks of resentment melt.

This takes time and is not an overnight matter. The process begins with feeling the pain of the offense, admitting how hurtful it was to us. In other words, we need to acknowledge the detrimental feelings. We need to grieve any loss associated with this, such as the loss of a happy marriage, a happy childhood. This process is more effective if one elects sobriety over a habit of numbing one’s feelings with alcohol.

What do we gain when we try to forgive? We discover a joy and peace such as we have never known, a knowingness inside that all is well. We can let down our guard and, in so doing, we experience deeper relationships with others. We heal and we grow.

Do you need to try to forgive someone? How is that working for you?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: absence of resentment, Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, forgiveness, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, resentment, try to forgive

Practice Random Acts of Kindness

August 9, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Curls of Kindness

If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves, when will it be?

Such is the verse that appears as the next topic in the book after Pillar of Strength. The associated image shows a gate with curls of iron throughout. Curls, to me, represent the movement and momentum forward, from one to the next, just as kindness is moved forward, given from one to the next, just as one curl leads into the next.

Kindness does not have to be complicated. It is as simple as offering a smile to someone. It is an act we perform, or words that we say, that help to brighten up another’s day. It could be a compliment, or allowing someone that’s in a hurry to go before us in the grocery store line. It could be paying the toll of the car behind us at the toll gate.

It is a genuine display of love toward another, easily performed. Sometimes it requires a sacrifice on our part; usually it does not. Usually, it merely involves time… our time to extend ourselves to another for a brief moment. When we practice kindness, it produces a good feeling, makes our spirit soar because we have added to someone’s day in a positive way.

Just as we are kind to others, we need to be reminded to be kind to ourselves. This is achieved by praising ourselves when we complete a task, or do something positive. It involves ceasing our negative self-talk and replacing it with positive words. It means treating ourselves in the same manner as we would treat a stranger in need.

What was the last time you showed kindness to another and what did that look like? How about to yourself?

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As the author and award-winning, published photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration and empowerment to those in transition, to those souls in the corner who struggle. View the video about the book, which is located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Principle of living Tagged With: acts of kindness, Carolyn CJ Jones, kindness, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, random kindness

What Resonates With Your Heart?

August 7, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Pillar of Strength

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

We spend a lot of time trying to be liked, to be accepted by others. It is a basic need, perhaps, as social beings. Sometimes, we try so hard to fit in, that we forego our own beliefs, morals, and integrity in favor of adopting another’s. This is most often an unconscious behavior. Yet, it hurts our soul when we give it away in such a manner.

To change our truth is to betray ourselves to ourselves. It is, perhaps, the ultimate way to negate our being, to negate the very core of who we are. For it is in our morals, our integrity, that we shine as individuals. They make us who we are, show what we believe in and stand for. They are part of what makes us, us.

Why do we change our morals, integrity, and truth? What is behind this behavior? Perhaps, it is a reflection of our insecurity, not having a firm like, or love, of Self and who we are. This leaves us unable to stand up for our beliefs. Perhaps, we do not even KNOW our beliefs, have never examined them, have always adopted someone else’s truth.

In either case, the issue can be resolved by doing a self-appraisal and flushing out things like our morals, our truths about ourselves and what we stand for. We tend to look within and only find our faults, our weak and not-so-nice points. Do that first, if you must, yet, do not forget to list your positive qualities and attributes, the things about yourself that make you the unique and delightful person you are and are meant to be to the world. Show kindness to yourself as you embark upon this task.

Go ahead. I dare you. If you are honest with yourself, you will find there are many redeeming qualities about you for which you can show appreciation and respect to yourself. I am not talking about flaunting what you find. Rather, I’m talking about relishing this information about yourself and being humble about what you find.

I am talking about being so strong in your convictions and who you are, that you do not waver in your approach to the world; you stand for what you believe in with every encounter, and within. When you are able to do this, you will have an inner strength, the strength of a pillar, and you will find peace.

What resonates with your heartf?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: being humble, Carolyn CJ Jones, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, self-appraisal, self-inventory, self-respect

How To Show Compassion

August 6, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 8 Comments

Fields of Compassion

Each topic I discuss in my blog relates to the topics as they appear in my book. The prose for this image talks about seeing a homeless man on the corner and not knowing how to show compassion for his plight without giving money. Instead, I wanted to simply acknowledge him and show compassion because he is a fellow human being who is struggling.

“All it would take is a look, a smile, to let this man know that I care about him, feel his plight, want to help. I can offer a fellow human being a smile, a hand, and fill a vacant field with compassion.”

Compassion, defined as sorrow for the sufferings of another accompanied with a desire to help, seems all too often lacking sometimes in today’s society. We are moving so fast that in our dealings with others, we don’t take the time to pay attention to those around us. We are largely “self” driven, looking out for ourselves and not considering others.

What does it mean to have compassion and how do we develop it? For me, I was two years into my sobriety and doing a self-appraisal as part of the process of recovery. In looking at my behavior when I was drunk, I realized I used to scream at my mate the exact same derogatory words that my father had yelled at me, wounding my soul. I knew how I was feeling when I said those things, knew I didn’t really mean them, and I realized this could have been true for my father as well.

Suddenly, I felt compassion for him. I felt badly for him, suspecting he was not feeling good about himself and his life when he said those words. I could identify with his pain. This led me to forgiveness of a long-time hurt and resentment. In fact, I discovered that many of the resentments I held were against others who had done the very same things I did in the course of being a human being. My heart softened to these people with this discovery and I was able to feel compassion.

It is important to state that, while compassion for others is desirable, so is compassion toward ourselves. Don’t forget to show compassion to yourself. This leads to a forgiveness of self for all our actual and perceived wrongs that we commit as part of beiing human. It allows us to cut ourselves some slack. This is not said, however, to excuse our bad behavior and the need to fix it.

How does one show compassion? It can be as simple as offering a smile of understanding, wishing that homeless person a good day even if we cannot help with money. It occurs with the words, “How can I help?” It happens when we get out of ourselves and consider others and their plight. It is the show of sincere sympathy and understanding.

How do you show compassion in your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, forgiveness, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, recovery, self-appraisal, sobriety

Self-Appraisal-The Start of Responsibility

August 5, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Search of Self

Why is self-appraisal, self-inventory, the start of responsibility? Because we become aware of the ways in which we have affected ourselves and others, both adversely and for the betterment. It’s a major undertaking and the basis of taking action in the process of recovery from addiction of any sort. It scares us. We wonder if, once we look, there will be anything left of ourselves about which to feel good.

The miracle of an inventory is that we get to see the things we did wrong or the things we did to harm others, even spiritually, and we can begin to hold ourselves accountable for our bad behavior. We begin to see how we do some of the very things that another has done for which we hold a grudge. We begin to feel compassion for another, for ourself.

The more we feel we are being accountable, the more our confidence, and hence, our self-esteem grows. As our esteem improves, we have less need to prove ourselves to others, and, thus, we become more authentic, more able to show our positive side, more able to risk sharing who we are with those around us. We become freer and gain more serenity and peace.

The verse that goes with this image asks the question, will we discover our clear heart, sining brightly and truthfully, right in the middle of our swirls and curls of darkness, shadows, and light? The point being made is that often when we look at ourselves, we are not honest. We do not acknowledge ourselves for our good points. A self-appraisal is not honest, not complete, until we do that.

When we look at our positive traits and characteristics, we feel good about ourselves, and we want to continue with, or share with the world, these goodnesses. We shine to those around us and in so doing, give permission to those others to shine also. More love, more dialogue, is generated. Peace occurs. We are each responsible for creating peace in our world…

How do you accept the responsibility for creating peace in your world?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration and empowerment to those in transition, to those souls in the corner who struggle. View the video about the book, which is located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: addiction recovery, Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, honesty, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, recovery centers, self-appraisal, serenity, Sober Living, sobriety

Commit To Your Journey

August 4, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Commitment of Journey

“Each step leads me further in my journey, offering repeated opportunity to examine myself, my life – the leaves that have fallen, the leaves that will fall, and the buds yet to form.”

This is a portion of the verse that accompanies the image of this gate. The verse goes on to say that, despite the rocky or smooth times, one commits to the journey, which is in each blossom and each leaf along the way.

In other words, it is in what we discover along that way that holds the journey, not the destination. The destination is not the journey. If we choose to look at the journey itself as the be-all and end-all, life takes on a different tone, a different flavor. Suddenly, we are able to see things in our environment with great wonder and awe. We become more aware of the buds forming in our life as we focus on our journey.

It becomes a commitment, a choice, to look at and live in the moment, soaking in what is around us right now. It continues, for we have liked it so well, we thirst for more.

We become accustomed to examining ourselves… our actions, behaviors, the ways we have treated people, and the things said to them. This is an on-going and never-ending action that one learns to do in sobriety. It keeps us abreast of how we treat ourselves and others. Armed with that knowledge, we make the choice to set things right, perhaps adjust our behavior and thoughts. It leads to greater harmony, respect, and tolerance. It leads to peace.

We commit to this as a way of life, along with seeing the buds and leaves along the way, along with living in the moment, living in this 24 hours. We look at the leaves that have fallen… the past… as it relates to moving us forward. We revisit the past to reflect, to heal, to grow. We use it to keep ourselves moving forward, in the moment.

How does the commitment to your journey manifest? Do you commit to living in the moment, to performing a daily self-inventory? How does this work for you?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration and empowerment to those in transition, to those souls in the corner who struggle. View the video about the book, which is located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website -receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Commitment, commitment of journey, harmony, journey, living sober, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, respect, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

Do You Demonstrate Willingness In Your Life?

August 3, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Key of Willingness

In the book, the verse that accompanies this image talks about the fact that even a small amount of willingness, the size of a keyhole, is all that is necessary to open the door. In sobriety, it is said that honesty, openness, and willingness are indispensable. They go hand-in-hand.

What does willingness look like, feel like? Because it is a conscious choice one makes to be willing, it requires action. One must constantly remind oneself that they are willing for anything… to consider other’s opinions, to look at the world and oneself with new eyes, to live differently, to change. The list is endless. When one practices the principle of willingness, there is a clarity that one feels, an aliveness that makes everything exciting and new. It’s as if we are children, our face turned eagerly forward, open to everything that may come along.

Do you demonstrate willingness in your life? It requires the practice of humility, as one gives up the need to be right about everything, the need to always have an opinion, or to think one’s beliefs are the only beliefs worthy of consideration. It requires openness, as one makes the decision to live with an open mind, anxious to consider all points of view, anxious to live with an open heart.

These decisions one makes all require action, not only in the decision-making process, but in the execution of the decision to be open, to be willing.

Once one becomes willing, doors open wide to our efforts, to others and all sorts of gates inside open up. It is an awesome experience. Life becomes a kinder and gentler place from which to live. Do you practice willingness? What does it look like for you in your life?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration and empowerment to those in transition, to those on a quest of wellness for the mind/body/spirit. View the video about the book, which is located to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping and your personally autographed copy.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, gentler, humility, kinder, open-mindedness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, sober, sobriety

How To Open Your Heart and Mind

August 2, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Openness of Heart

We spend our lives behind the barrier of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that might come to us.

If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light.

We will grown through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.

We stay behind our gate to protect our heart. What does it take in your life to open your heart and mind? Are they already open? How can you open them if they are not already? As the verse above says, we close our hearts from pain and fear of further pain.

But where does that get us? Lonely and isolated, perhaps bitter and resentful. We want to take the chance and open our heart, but fear getting it stomped on, once again. The problem is, we need to open our heart just a little to let the light in. Once we open the door of our heart just a little, we experience that there is not pain. In fact, we come to realize how much love exists in the world that we are missing, and we become able to further open our heart once we experience this.

If we practice expressing gratitude for everything in our life, we begin to see our heart open. We become able to consciously choose to see those around us with gentleness and kindness and to extend them in return. This is how we begin to open our heart. Our relationships become richer, more satisfying, which prompts us to open our heart even further. We are on the road to living with an open heart and it just keeps getting better.

And what of living with an open mind? When we couple humility with an open heart, we are able to approach situations wondering about all the facts we encounter. We don’t have to be “right” about everything. We thirst for knowledge that is different than our own. We look at things with new eyes, and it brings peace of mind.

What are the ways in which you open your heart and mind to the world around you? Does it feel richer?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers inspiration and empowerment to those on a quest of wellness for the mind/body/spirit. View the additional information about the book to the right of this blog. Buy the book from Carolyn’s website and receive free shipping.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, gratitude, humility, mind/body/spirit, open your heart, Opening the Gates of the Heart

Are You Being Honest With Others?

August 1, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 11 Comments

Welds of Honesty

Oh, my goodness. I have not written since July 19th! I apologize for the delay. I was out-of-town at my 40th high school reunion and have been debriefing since my return late on the 27th. Going back to my reunion reminded me of how closed I was in earlier days, how I was not honest with others about who I was inside, how I didn’t even KNOW who I was. This thought leads me into today’s topic from the book, which is about being honest with others about who you are.

The verse in the book that goes with this image talks about looking inside to see who one is, then deciding to honestly show others what is found. When doing a self-appraisal, however, perhaps we dwell on the negative and are not able to identify our positive points. We are linked to a negative perception of ourselves.

When we can identify the delightful things about ourselves that make us the unique contribution to the fabric of our world that we are, can we then let people see that side of us, see our strengths and skills, our joys and sorrows? Identifying these things about ourselves may be difficult for some; yet, we each have positive and delightful traits and characteristics, we each slide along the continuum of feelings.

Perhaps, once in touch with who we are, we can share such things as joy, gratitude, sorrow, and despair. There is a closeness with others when one begins to share of themself in this way. The others, in turn, reveal more of themselves and these people connect on a deeper level.

It is important to trust the persons to whom we open up. It would be easier to convey the exhilarating emotions than the grieving ones. Yet, when we act beyond our fear of exposing ourselves and our truths, beyond the fear of being vulnerable, we experience that closeness with others. It generates more joy and more gratitude, as well as more love , kindness, tolerance, and respect.

This is not to say that all persons are trustworthy of our revealings. One must discern that another is safe to talk with. It would not be advisable, for example, to share with one who treats our thoughts and feelings with disregard and abuse, as that wounds our soul.

Do you experience this type of honesty with others? What is that like for you?

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As the author and photographer of her book of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose, it is said by others that Carolyn CJ Jones’ book offers hope to the soul in the corner who struggles. Perhaps there is a bit of a struggling soul in each of us. Perhaps we each could benefit from the journey she shares. View the additional information about the book to the right of this blog. Buy the book from her website and receive free shipping.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: being honest, Carolyn CJ Jones, despair, gratitude, honest, honesty, joy, kindness, love, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, Sorrow, tolerance

Humility Is The Opposite of Haughtiness

July 19, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Warmth of Humility

Rather than take on everyone else’s dreams, desires, and expectations, can I not humbly look at what has been placed before me?

Will I continue to look at others’ needs and expectations, to what is presented to them in their lives, or will I notice what is in front of me, feel the warmth of appreciation and graciously say thank you for what I am given, for who and what I am, and participate?

Humility is the opposite of haughtiness. It is the act of being humble. And what is being humble? The Wisdom Words From the Bridge Group defines it as not being a know-it-all, not thinking you know everything, not bragging. It is a state of willingness to listen to another’ point of view without having to tout yourself and your beliefs because you don’t feel so self-important.

Humility is not crawling along on the ground like a word, nor is it being humiliated, feeling humiliation.

One who is humble and not displaying haughtiness is a gentle person, filled with grace, actively listening to those around him/her, not finding the need to change the topic to themselves. This is a skill taught when one becomes sober, as the act of humility is crucial in being able to maintain sobriety.

From within, one who is humble might feel quiet and calm about themselves, actively interested in hearing what others are doing and saying. It is a state of being in the world that brings peace and joy to self and others.

How are you humble in your daily life? In what way do you display humility instead of haughtiness?

I’d like to thank you for visiting my weblog. I am blogging about each topic as it appears in my book. The verse and image you see at the beginning of each blog are from the book. See the book’s interior by clicking on the bookbuzzr book or watching the video, both of which are on the sidebar of this site. The book is available for advance purchase on this site by clicking on the button, “Buy the Book.” Each copy purchased on this site will by signed personally for you, and shipping is free. Enjoy!

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: becoming sober, Carolyn CJ Jones, haughtiness, humble, humiliated, humiliation, humility, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace, sobriety

Call It Courage

July 12, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 34 Comments

Spaces of Courage

We all hold feelings of hurst, disappointment, grief, and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.

Perhaps, rather than cast the pain out of our heart or give it to another, it would be better to find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain tenderly, gently… with great compassion.

If we find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal.

For those of you new to my blog, let me explain that I am blogging through the topics as they appear in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. This is a book of 42 photos of wrought-iron gates and accompanying prose that reflects my journey from feelings of worthlessness and deep despair to joy and peace. It is also a reflection my journey in sobriety…

They call it courage when someone moves forward despite fear. It takes courage to do that. Sometimes, it is very pronounced, very evident that we are acting with courage. Sometimes, courage whispers quietly, and says simply to try again tomorrow.

They call it courage when there is fear and you are scared; it wouldn’t be courage unless you are scared to do something. Then, as you’ve read above, a belief in the powers-that-be is all it takes to summon courage. Asking that power for help is usually successful.

Often, people are unable to summon the courage to deal with hurt, pain, disappointment, and they turn to others to “fix” whatever it is. This puts a lot of pressure on another. Or, they turn to drinking to drown out the sorrow.

In sobriety, we learn that drinking only increases the sorrow and misery one is feeling. Without liquor to dull the pain, we feel it acutely. Perhaps this is when a higher power is essential in helping to move forward bravely, to feel these feelings, these deep wounds. Over time, the pain dissipates, as we find the courage to face the origination of the pain. As we feel it fully, we are then guided to a place of healing from the wound. They call it courage when one sticks through this process.

When is the last time you displayed courage?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: call it courage, Carolyn CJ Jones, courage, fear, Opening the Gates of the Heart, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow

How to Deal With Self-Doubt

July 8, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Shadows of Doubt

I am mired again in the shadows of my dount, my fear.

I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.

When we doubt ourselves, our actions, and our beliefs about who we are, we erode our self-esteem, our self-confidence, and our very soul. If we know that doubting ourselves leads to these things, why do we do it?

Perhaps it is a reflection, an indicator, of our state of self-worth, our value to self and to the world. With low esteem and confidence levels, we are not stable enough, not strong enough, in who we are to ward off self-doubt. It erodes our very being even further. We question everything we do, perhaps always looking to others for validation rather than to ourselves, or to a power greater than ourselves.

How do we conquer this, this insidious doubt? Perhaps it begins with a self-appraisal in which we identity the ways in which we doubt ourselves. If we can identify that, we then have a change to correct or change it. In doing the self-searching, it is necessary to be really honest with ourselves, to admit that the way we fell about ourselves is not honest. For if we were honest, we would see that we are delightful beings, fine just the way we are. We are enough as we are.

If, however, we see that we are doubting ourselves inappropriately, we can make the choice to change our beliefs. How do we do this? By recognizing and admitting each time we doubt, and examining if it is true. When we admit the doubt is false, then we consciously make the choice to change that doubt into a positive statement or affirmation about ourselves. Over time, with diligence, we begin to see our doubts diminish and our esteem and confidence rise. We begin to accept ourselves as we are, making changes when we feel it’s necessary. In this process, it is important to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves.

How do you deal with doubt when it arises? Do you see this method as being useful?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: acceptance, Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, doubt, Gentleness, kindness, Opening the Gates of the Heart, self esteem, self-confidence

How to Develop Awareness

June 26, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Birth of Awareness

I tap into my ability to persevere, to walk through the gates of my despair to reach my passions and desires… the things about myself and the world around me in which I delight, to which I connect.

I allow myself my grief and sorrow, my sadness and anger. Then I turn my attention to the lushness I see beyond the opening…

I decide to walk through the gate.

What is meant by awareness? In this case, it is first and foremost the awakening to one’s feelings and emotions – recognizing them, acknowledging them, experiencing them, and then moving on to all that surrounds us. It is a process that occurs over time, and it can be painful as one deeply feels one’s feelings.

After this, awakening refers to becoming acutely aware of one’s surroundings – the dew on the grass, the luscious smell of a rose, the beauty of a redwood tree, reaching majestically to the sky. And it is not just nature where awakening is found. It also occurs by observing the design of a building, the beautiful lines of an old automobile, the gentle light thrown by a lantern or candle. It encompasses everything around us.

In the final stages of awareness, one looks at others with the eyes of the heart. From this attitude springs the ability to be compassionate and kind to others, tolerant and respectful – all in a very authentic way. Awareness of another’s humanness can lead to better understanding and acceptance of that person.

Once these things develop – when one become acutely aware of others – and all of these things develop, one begins to see one’s self with kindness, compassion, tolerance and respect. That’s right – we are brought back to the beginning of the cycle, and the process repeats itself, endlessly, if we allow it.

It is helpful to slow down, to just stop and do a sweeping assessment of all that surrounds us, considering what we see with love in our heart. And this is how awareness is born – by repeating this cycle over and over and over again.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, compassion, Opening the Gates of the Heart, respect, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

How to Manage Feeling Worthless

June 10, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 8 Comments

Corner of Worthlessness

I try and try to climb to the light of my being, yet, I cannot scale the wall of my worthlessness. So I collapse, again, in the shadows…

a heap of broken debris in the corner.

Feeling worthless. One of low self-esteem, loss of self-respect. The feeling that no one appreciates your efforts, that you do not matter to anyone, or to very few. Nothing you do is good enough, so why bother? Just writing about it brings an energy-draining feeling.

From there, feeling worthless often leads to self-pity, which can generate shame for having those feelings. Many numb these feelings with the use of drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating… In the most drastic cases, these feelings lead to suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, actions.

Where does it originate? Some say it stems from the early, formative years, if one repeatedly hears they are defective, not good enough. Yet, one can develop feelings of worthlessness if in a bad relationship, for example, where one endures continual put-downs, degradations. The words heard become adopted as our own and we continue to degrade ourselves; we don’t need others.

How would one manage feeling worthless? It is said that doing esteem-able acts is a way to increase one’s self-esteem, and thus, decrease or resolve those feelings. One might also discover their calling, whereby their actions are geared toward fulfilling an identified purpose. Often, one’s purpose is useful to others, which raises one’s self-esteem and self-respect.

Counseling of some sort to resolve those underlying feelings can be very useful and yield a positive self-esteem and self-confidence, thus, minimizing feelings of worthlessness.

Doing an honest inventory of yourself and your skills can lead to the realization that what was told to you was not true, that you do have many assets and many positive attributes.

Feeling worthless is so damaging to our spirit. It leads us to dangerous places in our mind and heart. The degrading things we were told or that we tell ourselves is not who we are. We are all delightful beings, each with specific skills and strengths. Learn those about yourself. Above all, be gentle with yourself as you heal.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: being honest, Carolyn CJ Jones, carolyncjjones, hopeless, self esteem, self-inventory, self-pity, self-respect, shame, worthless

Understanding Fear

June 5, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Webs of Fear

“I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.”

Fear. That emotion, that sense which warns us of danger, keeps us alert and in a fight or flight mode, when necessary. But fear can also be detrimental, can hold us back when moving ahead is in our best interest. In these situations, courage can be difficult to call forth, but it can be summoned to walk past the fear one is experiencing.

Fear can be paralyzing, keeping us from moving forward, from reaching our dreams, or even taking the first steps to reach our dream. Fear appears as concern that we will not be liked, that we are not good enough, that what we are doing is wrong. These fears often stem from low feeling of self-worth and feelings of being “less than.” As we strengthen our feelings of esteem and worthiness, these fears lessen.

False Evidence Appearing Real. Often, it is the anticipation of an upcoming event which takes us to fear. We imagine every negative thing that could occur, until soon, we have taken ourselves to great fear, sometimes to feelings of of impending doom. In these situations, we would do well to stop ourselves from imagining how an event will turn out and instead, open ourselves to the possibilities that can occur. This requires an attitude of openness, of willingness to see things in a new light, without anticipation. It requires that one be open to any outcome. One would do well to look within, rather than without, at that up-coming event, to locate any sources of unrest, of fear.

Understanding fear when it arises is useful, so one can choose how to handle it… Is it false evidence appearing real, or a truly dangerous situation? If we identify it is related to a low self-esteem, we can work on our beliefs and feelings about ourselves. If it arises out of the desire to follow a dream, one can summon courage and take the action anyway. Once we do this a few times, fear begins to recede. It becomes easier to call upon courage and to walk through the fear that arises.

To all of you new to my blog, allow me to acquaint you. We are blogging through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, topic by topic as they appear in the book. We are starting over today; we are at the beginning of the book. Join me as we travel the path from fear to hope to peace. Is that what you look for in your life? Peace?

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, carolyncjjones, despair, hope, peace, shame, worthlessness

Living With Serenity

May 27, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 4 Comments

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Serenity. That feeling of calmness, even amid storms. It is a prevailing attitude, one which overshadows and, thus, contributes to all other attitudes that follow. For me, it comes when I am in alignment with the powers of the Universe, that which is greater than myself. It is a realization that all is well, that I am being provided and cared for.

I got to serenity through the experiences and changes I’ve discussed in this blog. You have traveled through the book with me and read of the trials and tribulations associated with getting to this point.

Perhaps you related as we moved from worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through awareness to self-appraisal. Past forgiveness and on to principles such as compassion, tolerance, and gratitude until we have reached a point of joy and serenity. What a journey it has been.

As we finish the book, it is time to start over and I am putting out a “request for proposals.” When I go through the book again, is there any specific tack you would like me to take? My thought was to share about each topic in a general way, not relating to my own experiences. I welcome your thoughts. Please share them.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awareness, Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, compassion, despair, gratitude, joy, self-appraisal, serenity, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, tolerance, worthlessness

Tips For Improving Your Character

April 13, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Growth of Character

“Do we notice the character of another? Do we recognize the traits and qualities of another, grown, over time, on the wall of one’s being?

Do we notice our own character, evolved, over time, on our own beautiful wall? Do we groom the moss and mold, encouraging new growth to flourish?”

growth of character Today, because of my journey in sobriety, I am able, even excited, to discover things about others. For me, that brings us closer as we recognize ourselves in each other. And still, each has one’s own unique character and that’s where the fun of discovery come in.

To look at one’s character traits is to look at wisdom, I have found. Once past my fear of others and my self-doubt, I became able to open my heart and consider the other with respect and compassion, cultivating the differences between us. What a joyful experience this has been!

It is interesting that when I wrote the above prose, only the first stanza existed. Then, one of the book’s advance readers asked, “What about our own character, improving it?” She was right. The second stanza was born. I have learned to take responsibility for grooming my own mold and moss, if you will, to strengthen and grow my character. Again, I learned how to do this because of my healing journey and my journey through sobriety.

It took me willingness to do things differently, to listen to others, to ask for help. It took soul-searching and looking honestly at how I treated myself and others. It took forgiveness of others first, and then of myself. It has been a process over time… years, in my case. And the pruning has been worth it.

How did you learn to groom and grow your own beautiful wall?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, compassion, doubt, fear, forgiveness, gates of the heart, honesty, living sober, respect, Sober Living, sobriety, soul searching, Willingness

Practice Tolerance

April 11, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Practice of Tolerance

“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in those around me. And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.”

Realization that another’s attributes did not diminish my own was a key to my ability to be truly tolerant of others. Now, at this point in my healing, I can be temporarily uncomfortable with myself, feeling “less than,” still practice tolerance of others and even have the desire to acknowledge them for their accomplishments.

I find it interesting that while I am getting ready to blog about tolerance, I have an experience that tests my ability to be tolerant. I was traveling west on a windy, hilly road, enjoying driving the curves, when I came around a curve to find a large tandem trailer dump truck in front of me, going about 10 mph.

My driving enjoyment came to an immediate halt. Naturally, I was irritated, as I realized there would be no way to pass him on this prolonged incline. In the moment, I made the conscious decision to grant the truck permission to be on the road. I told myself he had just as much right to be there as I did. Suddenly, I was tolerant of my position behind him and was content to crawl along. Instead of anger and impatience, I felt peace and contentment. This is grace…

I believe tolerance and judgment go hand-in-hand. When I am not judging another, I am able to tolerate and appreciate one’s differences. And choosing to be tolerant of others leads me to be more non-judgmental of them. Since adopting this attitude, I have gotten to know some delightful people that I never would have met before. What about you? How do you practice tolerance?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, carolyncjjones, feeling inadequate, feeling insecure, gates of the heart, tolerance of others

Judgment of Others

April 6, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 172 Comments

Absence of Judgment

“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?

Why do we judge ourselves so harshly for being who we are, if our actions and behaviors feed our spirit and are not harmful to ourselves or others?”

This is a wonderful attitude to have when looking at others. I noticed yesterday, however, that it went right out the window while I was driving. A whole litany of judgments were flying around in my brain! I mean, FLYING! One driver after another, judged as highly incompetent, stupid or ignorant.

Oh my goodness, how harsh. At one point I realized what was happening and said aloud, “What are you DOING, Carolyn?” I clearly was not practicing respect for those individuals, as I talked about in my last blog post!

Where did this streak of judgment, this lack of respect for others come from? I am not sure. It was not fear that I was a “less than” driver. In fact, I was touting my skills. I was tired and anxious to get home. Everyone was going 10 miles under the speed limit, in all four lanes. They were in my way.

I wonder if, because things were not going the way I wanted, I had the need to make someone wrong because of it? That attitude certainly could use a bit of self-searching to get to the root of the belief. I have learned how to do that in sobriety. I’ll keep you posted about what I find.

And what about judging others when they are not a danger? Is it because another is different from us and we feel less than, feel the need to elevate ourselves by putting another down? Or are we afraid of them? What is it that leads us to judge so harshly?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: caroltncjjones, Carolyn CJ Jones, fear, living sober, respect of others, Self-searching, Sober Living, sobriety

Self Improvement Through Self Acceptance

March 4, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 3 Comments

Acceptance of Self

“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws and our spirit?”

I saw this gate and immediately saw a little being with his arms in the air, celebrating his personhood. It made we wonder if people celebrated themselves… Behind celebration, perhaps, comes acceptance. We accept ourselves before we can celebrate who we are.

If you are like me and have a lot of negative self-talk, it is difficult to find self-acceptance. That, at least, has been my experience. Today, I am able to accept who I am. Even with my human failings, I am able to smile at myself with compassion. How did this come to be?

Once sober, I did a self-appraisal, an inventory, if you will. On it, I listed all of my negative traits.I listed my fears, my grievances and sorrows about my behaviors and myself. Someone had to remind me to include the positive points about myself. I found that quite difficult, but I followed their advice.

It took me years to believe the positive things I had written about myself, really believe them with my heart. It also took years to stop talking down to myself about my failings. It was a process that evolved over time, one in which I struggled to be honest with myself about who I am. I was ashamed about my foibles and my humanness; I felt it conceited to think well of myself.

I’m not sure what changed over the years that has led me to accept who I am, to celebrate my being. I do know I have continued to pray to the powers that be to remove my negative self-image. In response, I seem to have been guided to develop compassion for myself. This has led me to accept who I am without shame. It has also allowed me to like many things about myself without feeling I am being conceited by doing so. In fact, I find it necessary to have a good foundation of love of self before I can truly love others.

We come to acceptance of self perhaps over time, depending upon one’s wounds. With time and some sprinkling of compassion and gentleness, we can find that delightful being we have always been.

How do you find acceptance for yourself? Is that something that has come naturally for you, or do you struggle with it?

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, compassion, fear, Gentleness, living sosber, Sober Living, sobriety, Sorrow, worthlessness

Search of Self

February 7, 2010 by Carolyn CJ Jones 5 Comments

Search of self, personal inventory, looking at my part in affairs… all the same thing, perhaps. For me it is. When I became sober and first did an inventory, really looked at myself with honesty, I was scared to death that all I would see was a failure, a selfish and bad person with nothing worth mentioning.

What I have learned over the years is that we all have redeeming qualities, even me. Like the image, our minds are a swirl of ideas and thoughts and we even have our shadows… and right in the middle of it all is our heart, shining brightly, leading the way when we let it. Don’t forget to look for those positive things about yourself that are in your heart.

I talk of looking at my part in affairs… what do I mean? For me, it is looking without fear at actions or thoughts I have in response to any given situation. My part in the affair may be that I had self-serving motives, or I was fearful to speak my truth and be honest with someone. It could also be that I had a positive thought of myself instead of beating up on myself or putting myself down.

Doing a self-appraisal was a good way to simply locate myself, to define what I was feeling. It became the vehicle of my inner freedom and peace. A regular habit of looking at my part in the affairs of my life taught me how to value, respect and love myself.

The beautiful thing is that once I can value, respect and love myself, I can value, respect and love others… you! It is a joyful and peaceful place to live and I am so grateful to have found it, one step at a time.

How are you doing with valuing, respecting and loving yourself? How about others?

Thank you for joining my blog today. As you may or may not know, this blog is about my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Each blog, I talk about the next emotion or action or principle presented in the book, determined by the title of each gate. It will be a while before we get to Moments of Wonder, where I talk about that awesome emotion. Meanwhile, if you’d like to jump ahead, I have guest blogged for Our Little Books, a little book with a big message and you can read my thoughts on moments of wonder. It’d be fun to have you visit. Our Little Books is a great line of little, teeny books… very inspirational. Hope you can check them out…

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, Carolyn Jones, Carolyn Jones Photographs, fear, Gate Lady, honesty, living sober, love, self-inventory, Self-searching, Sober Living, sobriety, wonder

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