Being Judged by Others, Even Though They’re Flawed

Good morning! So sorry I missed yesterday. My computer would not allow me to access the back end of the blog, so I couldn’t write the blog. Today, it is cooperating… The search phrase I picked out is being judged by others, even though they’re imperfect themselves, even though they are displaying negative behavior.

It is my belief that we are being judged by others when they feel insecure and unsure about themselves. They are blowing out our light to make their light shine brighter. They feel “less than,” and putting us down builds them up – in their mind. The thing is, if we’re wise to them and their method, they don’t have to be built up. In fact, if we realize they’re putting us down to build themselves up, we can stop their behavior in its tracks.

We can bring to the attention of others that they are judging us negatively and to stop that behavior. Of course, this will most likely bring on a confrontation. None-the-less, speaking up against the verbal abuse is an option. When we are being judged by others, we can also just ignore what they say, knowing the reason behind their judgment. This is known as turning the other cheek.

So, we have a choice here and it depends upon the situation. If we are likely to enrage the other person who is judging us negatively, putting us in a dangerous situation, we may wish to just know deep within that what they are saying is not true. If, on the other hand, they are rational, and a conversation can be had in which we can bring up their judgment of us, then we will want to do so in the hopes that they can see their behavior and alter it.

In any event, know that when we are being judged by others, they are actually reflecting how they feel about themselves, and we would do well to not take it personally. If we do take it personally, we will likely develop anger and resentment toward the other person. I did this with my father when I was growing up, for the verbal abuse he slung my way. It took me 54 years to get past that to an understanding of his pain, and to get to forgiveness.

How do you treat others when you are feeling less than and insecure about who you are? Do you judge them harshly?

In closing, I have two points: First, I will be hosting the radio show W4CY.com every Monday afternoon at 3 pm PST. The name of the show is Transform Into Forgiveness. I imagine we will have discussions about how to get past being judged by others.

Second, I am starting two support groups called Opening the Gates of Your Heart. These groups will be in the San Francisco Bay Area in Marin and will focus on getting through grief and past resentment to forgiveness. Group one will meet every 2nd and 4th Monday from 10-11 am PST, starting February 11th. The second group will meet every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 1:30-2:30 pm, also PST, starting February 14th.

Both groups will run for 3 months and cost is $35 per month. Both groups will meet at the Wells Fargo Bank in San Rafael, 1203 4th Street, 2nd Floor, 94901. There is parking in the rear of the building, and you would go through the double doors in the rear. Take the elevator to the 2nd floor. For more information and to register, call me at 415-883-8325, or email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com.  

 

 

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Dealing with Harsh Judgment

Good morning. Two search terms stuck out for me today… “dealing with harsh judgment” and “to acknowledge oneself.” I’d like to address each of these, as they can flow, one into the other.

When is the last time you dealt with harsh judgment from another? Perhaps they criticized you directly, or they criticized your work. Either way, the result you are left with can be the same… embarrassment and shame, loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth, defeat…  In short, the feelings you are left with after being harshly judged are not pleasant.

Old Building at the Wedding

I recently had a judgment made of the photos I took at my nephew’s wedding. Although not a harsh criticism, it brought forth all my “stuff.” All but one of the pics were great… nice composition, exposure, and subject matter. Yet, when I emailed them to another family member, the comment I got was, there were “some” good ones, but there were some that were bad.

First of all, permission was not asked to critique the photos. Yet, the comment came from one who is highly judgmental. Even though I know that person is like that, I resented the judgment of something which gave me great pleasure shooting in the first place. They were actually great pics and all the rest of the family members said so, yet I have the judgment of one-out-of-many stuck in my mind, my heart.

It’s the same all over again from earlier years when I was told by the same person that “a real nurse would be an ICU or ER nurse.” This comment was made in response to discussion about my work in State government, where I was working in the Medicaid department and initiated, designed, and operated a program that allowed technology-dependent Medicaid-eoigible children to be cared for at home with private duty nursing services, rather than stay in the hospital ICU. I needed to be a nurse to be doing this type work.

It was ground-breaking work at the time, and served to bring about great medical, developmental, and social gains for the children. And I was reduced to nothingness when that remark was made. Even today it has the power to grab me and send me to that pit of not being good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for this person because they judge everything so harshly. Nothing is just appreciated for what it is, as it is. They always want more…

I know this person is like this, highly critical and judgmental, and still, I am thrown by the unwelcome judgment. It brings up all the feelings from growing up that I am no good, never good enough. My excitement to share of the pictures plunged. I found myself asking other family members what they thought of the photos, if they were liked and appreciated. Everyone I asked told me they were great. Yet, I still am affected by that comment.

What can I do to get beyond the hurt, the lack of confidence, the anger at this person for their highly critical nature? This is where “to acknowledge oneself” comes in. I have to step in and consciously talk to myself, praising my work, in this case the photos. I have to let myself know that I did the best I could, that all but one of the pics I sent were of good photographic quality. I have to remind myself and accept that  no matter what, this person will find fault with me and what I do.

To get back on kilter, I need to acknowledge myself with kindness, caring, gentleness… I need to hold in my heart the knowledge that I am good enough as I am, acknowledge that my efforts are pretty good. I need to stop judging myself, and I need to grieve the loss in my life of someone to praise me, to encourage me and my talents and instead, give those things to myself.

It hurts though, that ever-present criticism. Even as that hurt arises, I remind myself to acknowledge me and my talents, to look at things with a true sense of reality, rather than allowing me to be colored by the constant negative comments. Having done that, I can now apply the principle of compassion to this person who is always negative, for whom nothing is good enough. I feel compassion for one who cannot see the positive around him in his world. He’s missing out on so much…

When have you received harsh judgment recently or in the past? How did that feel for you? Try to identify those feelings in response to the criticism. Consider the source of the harsh judgment  and know that the judgment is not true, not accurate. Acknowledge yourself for all the good that you are. Talk yourself up and believe it. How do you feel after doing those things? Leave a comment and let us know.

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