Welds of Honesty

“I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to see what I find, to see who I truly am?

Perhaps, if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength, on which I can build my Self.”

This is the prose which appears in the book with this image, Welds of Honesty. I wrote these words in my journal a few years before I saw this gate in Taos, New Mexico. I took the picture, only because I thought it had great character. It wasn’t like I was searching for a gate with welds… Later, the words and image just came together.

In my life, I have learned to be honest, to not steal, to own up to a mistake I’ve made. I have prided myself on my level of honesty. It was not until I entered recovery, however, that other forms of honesty were presented to me…. being honest with myself about who I am and being honest with others about who I am.

Boy, these concepts of honesty were foreign to me. The thought of looking at who I am was intimidating and scary, made me uncomfortable. I had spent the better part of my life trying to hide who I was, to be invisible. I certainly didn’t let you see who was inside, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I would please you at all cost to myself and, perhaps, even to you. Now I was being asked to look at honesty from a new perspective. I had to become willing…

What I have found on my journey, is that being honest about who I am is difficult. It has meant getting in touch with all the negative things I say to myself about myself. That evoked a lot of feelings I needed to examine. Then, it involved giving up those negative self-comments, the beliefs that I was a failure, not worthy. These thoughts are not honest about who I am.

Yet, even though detrimental to me, I have continued over the years with this thought process because it was familiar. Again, it has taken willingness to change my behavior, my thoughts. And it has involved a great deal of prayer. The reward is a sense of peace inside, an acceptance of myself and all my points, including the good ones, as well as the bad.

Once comfortable with who I am, I can be open with you about who I am. It’s been magic for me the way that works…

In what ways are you dishonest about who you are? How do you achieve a level of honesty?