Today I would like to continue the discussion about my surrender of pretense. In the last post, I spoke of the ways in which I used to hide behind my gates, and sometimes still do. In today’s post, I will talk about the incident that led me to my major surrender, what that felt like then and what surrender feels like today.
It was an unrequited love for which I had left my marriage that led me to my knees. I was positive with all my heart that the guy returned the feelings and when I found out in a most humiliating way that he did not, I was devastated. Suddenly, I found myself alone and I was terrified.
All I could do for the next three months was to drink and cry. I was not able to function, to care for myself. I experienced acute sorrow, despair, worthlessness and fear. Eventually, I gave up in utter defeat and despair. I had failed to manage my life.
Interestingly, once I gave up and stopped trying to handle life myself, things started to get better. It was like I opened the gate for the good forces of the Universe to enter. People showed up who helped me and gave me love and support. I was able to make the decision to quit drinking and, at my friend’s suggestion, we joined a support group.
Even in sobriety, however, to surrender felt like defeat, utter despair. It was not until about two years ago, when I was placed on medication, that my inner world changed when I was led to surrender.
First of all, I consciously practiced giving up, letting go of events and the direction in which they were going. I quit trying to manage people and situations.
Secondly, the more I did this consciously, the more it began to happen and the more I noticed the ease in which I was able to let go.
Today, I continually return to that conscious place of letting go of things. I purposefully turn things over to the Universe and let scenarios play out as they will. Sometimes, letting go is a struggle and I do not achieve it. Sometimes, I am able to notice that I have been graced with the ability to let go, to detach. Each time I do this, it becomes easier the next time, and then the next.
When I surrender now, I feel peace and joy. I am usually pleasantly surprised at the outcome of a situation, as it is better than what I had planned or had imagined.
How do you surrender in your life? What does surrender look like for you? I welcome your comments.