“I try and try to climb up to the light of my being, yet, I cannot scale the wall of my worthlessness. So, I collapse, again, in the shadows… a heap of broken debris in the corner.”
This is the quote from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart. When I wrote this in my journal, I was at the height of my feelings of worthlessness. (Remember, I described in the Birth of the Book portion of this blog how I wrote the prose in my journal before I took this picture, “Corner of Worthlessness”.)
I felt hopeless and was depressed. I felt there was absolutely nothing redeeming about me… no good qualities. I felt like everything I did was wrong somehow, that I was a failure in every thing I tried. I was a mess emotionally.
How did I go from those feelings to rarely feeling worthless today? First of all, I had quit drinking, as this only further depressed me. Second, I sought out a private therapist who was well-versed in the areas with which I needed to heal and started seeing her.
Third, I listened to a friend, who suggested I get medical attention for my depression. To do this, I got a referral from my primary care physician and went to the local mental health center. I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with major depression and who prescribed medication.
I allowed myself to take the medication the doctor prescribed and quickly noticed an effect from it. When I say I “allowed myself”, I mean that I allowed myself to believe it wasn’t “weak” to take medication, allowed myself to realize that the medication just brought me to a level playing field – to a starting place where non-depressed people were. I allowed myself to see depression as a disease in which my brain chemistry was not normal and which was in need of medication.
Over time, the therapy and medication regime have worked for me. I have been able to build my esteem and confidence and, thus, my feelings of worth.
Currently, I strive to see every person as worthy of respect and love, including myself, and this, in combination with my counseling and medication, has helped me to walk past the corner and through the gate of my worthlessness.
Are you feeling worthless? Can you walk through your gate of worthlessness? Do you need help to do this? Please, reach out. There is help.