Surrender of Pretense
Giving up, letting go, surrendering. In the case of the book, I was referring in this verse to giving up the pretense that all is fine with me when, in fact, it is not. It is a reminder to come out from behind my gate of false bravado, letting others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me.
For me, surrender is a release that feels freeing. It is interesting that I am given a true life situation in which I find myself having to surrender my pretenses, because the situation is not ok with me. It causes pain. Do I tell the other person? Or, do I swallow the hurt and just keep going on?
That is what I did all my life and it is not how I choose to be today because it led to a life of deep resentment. So, I am looking for an appropriate way to convey my thoughts and feelings, without attacking or blaming or hurting back the other person. I am looking at the issue of whether or not it’s even appropriate to speak about my feelings to the person who is involved in this situation. I just know that the old way of stuffing feelings did not work.
The trick is to not come at the other person with anger, trying to hurt back. For me, it involves realizing what is behind my anger and, upon looking at it, I discover what I’m really feeling is hurt and disappointment. I need to be honest and relay my thoughts. Once I identify the source of my anger, then I can move forward and talk about what’s really going on for me.
I am afraid to do this. It is new behavior for me. I fear the other person’s reaction. Yet, it feels like the mature thing to do, versus being passively-aggressive. So, I will surrender the pretense and come out from behind my gate.