Principle of living • Creating Peace Through Forgiveness

How to Practice Honesty

February 18, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello, all, and welcome to another day. May it hold peace and goodness for each of you. The search term I was drawn to is “practicing honesty.” There is a misconception about what it means to be honest, and I’d like to address that.

In fact, I have a very recent experience to illustrate my own lack of honesty in a situation that led to being the recipient of verbal abuse. I live in a mobile home park, and my neighbor is currently having her place resided. One evening, I came home, pulled into my carport, and found her 10-foot x 1-foot wooden planter box at the front of my carport.

I was upset that my property was being used as the storage and overflow for her belongings, and especially without even asking me first. Also, I happen to think the planter box is ugly, along with the scrubby plants it contains. So, I called my neighbor to ask why the box had appeared in my carport. She had been unaware of it.

After establishing that it must have been the workers who moved it there, she asked if I wanted it moved. Here is where I was dishonest. The truth was, I wanted it gone, but I was remembering all the times she has watched my cat when I travel, and so decided to cut some slack and allow it to remain.

What I told her was that I guessed it’d be okay to stay for a while while the work was being done. What I needed to have said to practice honesty was that I did mind and could she please have it moved the next day. Because I did not practice honesty… I was not honest… it led to a show-down when I asked her to move it a week-and-a-half later because I just could not look at it any longer every time I drove in. She pelted me with a barrage of verbal abuse, and now our relationship is less-than-ideal, to say the least.

My whole point here is, we often are not honest, don’t practice honesty, and mean one thing while we say another. We do this, perhaps, to avoid a scene or to avoid the wrath of another. In that process, we are not true to ourselves – not true to our beliefs and desires. And, in the end, the wrath may come anyway, as it did in my case.

Honesty can be passed along with gentleness; it doesn’t have to be brutal. We need to practice honesty by saying what we really are thinking or feeling. This keeps us in integrity.

In what way(s) can you practice honesty in your life, but don’t? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Principle of living Tagged With: being honest, having honesty, honest, honesty, practicing honesty

The Effects of Sobriety

February 9, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to you all. Today I am going to address the effects of sobriety. I actually started this yesterday and the day got away from me…

What I will write here is an accounting of the effects I have gained from my sobriety. There is no guarantee you will experience all of these things, but chances are high that you will, if you maintain your sobriety and continue to make improvements in your life and with yourself.

The first and foremost effect of sobriety was the lack of hangovers. For seven years, I had experienced such horrific hangovers that the next day, I could not function till 3 or 4 pm. I did that every day for seven years… So, to awaken without a hangover was glorious and only improved over time as more and more alcohol was cleared from my system.

Then, the next effect of my sobriety was the disappearance of the sharp, stabbing pain I had been feeling in the area of my liver for 1-2 years. Later blood work revealed I did not have liver damage, so I am fortunate.

With sobriety came the feeling of feelings I had numbed for 26 years, and that was painful. Even though they were extremely difficult at times, the benefits of that were numerous. I was in so much pain that I had to journal every day which got my feelings out more quickly than anything I could have done. Also, by journaling with my non-dominant hand, even deeper feelings surfaced. Try it; it works!

Another benefit from the emotional pain was I was hurting so badly, I accepted help from a psychiatrist and a therapist. They diagnosed me with major clinical depression, PTSD, and panic disorder, and recommended I take medication, which I agreed to do. That has made my world manageable and put me at the same level emotionally that someone without those diagnoses enjoys.

Also, accepting help from the therapist helped me get through the pain more quickly, as she knew where to guide me. I looked for someone well-versed in the issues faced by an alcoholic, as well as with issues faced by children of alcoholic and abusive parents (ACA). We have a specific set of obstacles to overcome, you see, accessible by getting involved in a group that deals with ACA issues.

Over time in sobriety, my relationships improved immensely. I learned not to look to others to make me happy, which took the burden off of them. I learned to look at my own behavior instead of blaming others when things did not go the way I wanted or needed.

This is the biggest, single-most reason for my peace and freedom, in addition to learning how to forgive my parents for my upbringing. It’s huge, in fact, learning to look at our behavior, our actions, the ways in which we treat others and what’s behind that treatment or behavior, goes a long, long way to improve relations with others. Finally, I learned in sobriety to apologize for my bad behavior, to be humble instead of ashamed.

All of these things are the effects, the rewards, of my sobriety. I hope, if you elect the course of living sober, that you, too, experience them. May you discover in sobriety the great peace and freedom that I have discovered.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: emotional freedom, freedom, freedom of forgiveness, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Is Honesty?

February 7, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all, and may this be a day of great peace for you. The search term that I am going to write about today is honesty, what is honesty. When practiced, honesty brings peace and freedom to us.

Webster defines honesty as that which will not lie, cheat, or steal. That’s how I used to define honesty. Then, when I got sober, I learned an expanded version of it, which is included in Webster’s definition as free from deceit, being genuine and pure.

It is the latter that I wish to expound upon today. You see, we can be dishonest about who we are as a person, how we present ourselves to others. That’s what I did all my life… be deceitful in the sense that I pretended to be what I was not. I pretended that all was okay, for example, that I liked something, for example, when I didn’t.

Honesty pertains to portraying to people what we really are inside, letting people see our tender and vulnerable side. It also means looking with honesty at our actions, our behaviors. Let me talk a little more about this.

Most of us don’t like to admit our foibles, our faults, our poor behavior and actions. Yet, we all have these, all do these at one time or another because we are human and that’s just what we do. Honesty means admitting to ourselves and to others when we have poor or bad behavior, when we have done something to hurt another.

But when we admit to our wrong-doings, the freedom we feel is incredible, and then the peace comes. First we must admit to ourselves our poor behavior. I, for example, have a love of Haagen-Dazs chocolate and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

One day, as I was slowly savoring some chocolate, I remembered how my ex-husband used to also love it, the chocolate, and I refused for it to be in the house because it was too expensive, even though we could have afforded it. Wow, what a realization. I felt somewhat ashamed to have placed that restraint on him and his likes, how I curtained a simple joy of his. As I do not have contact with him anymore, I could not bring that up to him, acknowledge it, and apologize.

Instead, I began to see how my selfishness at the time kicked into play, how it curtailed him some joy in life. I shook my head in sadness for him, for me, for all the times my selfishness hurt another, and was glad I can realize my self-centeredness today, so I can keep it in check.

That is an example of practicing honesty with myself. I had to admit to myself something I was ashamed I had done, realized why, and now can resolve to watch for that in my further dealings with others. I am willing to admit it to him also, if I had contact with him. So, not only do we look with honesty at our actions and behavior, we want to admit it to the one upon whom we have displayed our not-so-hot behavior. That is where the freedom and peace lie.

How do you practice honesty in your life? Do you admit to yourself your poor and bad behavior, taking responsibility for it by first admitting it to yourself and then to the other involved person? This is a good question to answer in a writing exercise.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being honest, honesty, inner peace, peace, sober, sobriety, what is honesty

What Does Willingness Look Like?

February 6, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, everyone! I has dawned a bright and sunny day here in the north San Francisco Bay Area, and I hope your day is bright and sunny from the inside out. I think someone stuffed the ballot box with the search term “what does willingness look like,” (lol) and I will address that today.

Key of Willingness

I believe willingness is the key to all change, all improvement, and all feeling better about ourselves and others.

Webster defines willingness as the act of being willing, which is acting or giving readily and cheerfully, gladly or voluntarily. In my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, I say that all it takes to unlock the gates of our heart is a little opening the size of a key hole. Then the door opens wider…

When we practice willingness, we are open to whatever the Universe has to bring our way. We are open to differences in others, open to seeing new things for ourselves. It is a feeling of expansiveness, of expanding light.

Yes, willingness is a lightness of being. There is a mysterious quality about it, as we await new experiences, new feelings, “new” in all areas of our life. There is a deep knowingness when we are practicing willingness, a deep feeling that all is well. We look eagerly to what the Universe has to offer us.

When we are demonstrating willingness, others see an openness about us, experience less judgment from us. They see our lightness, our eagerness for newness. They see a person who is more at peace with themselves, with others. Yes, willingness is the key to happiness and peace.

How do you feel when you are experiencing willingness? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to be willing, willing, Willingness

Overcoming Hopelessness and Despair

February 5, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. May this be a pleasant and productive day for you all. Today, there were numerous searches for issues related to hopelessness and despair, so that is what I will address today.

There are no two things that are so emotionally draining as hopelessness and despair. And once we are feeling these, we feel physically drained as well. We are chronically depressed, and have no energy or desire to do anything. At least, that is how it was for me.

For me, there was a feeling that things could not and would not get better. That hopelessness and despair touched everything I tried to do, and I seemed to just keep failing. Soon, I gave up. I started praying to die because I was too afraid to kill myself. The biggest thing I was despairing about was my background, the abuse, and feeling it was for no purpose in my life other than to make me miserable.

Then one day, something happened which took away the hopeless and despair in an instant. I was at a meeting where a man shared about his continued difficulties with his childhood issues. Hmmm, he sounded like he had a similar background as mine, so I went to talk to him after the meeting.

After I asked if he wanted to hear what I had to say, I relayed my story a little bit, and then started telling him about the things I was doing to try and get past the effects of the abuse. I told him about my therapist who was versed in 12-step programs as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) issues. He asked how to reach her and I told him.

Then I started talking about books I had read which had been very helpful in putting the puzzle together about my hopelessness and despair. John Bradshaw, Alice Miller, and the most helpful, Claudia Black. He was so grateful for this information he almost started crying.

As I walked to my car, I started crying as I realized there was a purpose for my abusive upbringiing. It was to have experienced it so I could relate to others and the hopelessness and despair they felt because of it, and then so I could relay how I was healing from it. And doing this was useful and helpful to others who were suffering from hopelessness and despair. Suddenly, the feelings went away, and I felt refreshed, lightened, alive.

To get past your feelings of hopelessness and despair, I suggest you consider all the things you have done that have helped you, even a tiny bit, to feel better. Then, seek out others who are dealing with what you are dealing with, and relay to them what has been working for you in your journey.

In other words, use your successes to build up someone else. Use your experiences to be of service to another who is suffering from hopelessness and despair. When you do this, your own hopelessness and despair will lessen.

Let us know if this has been helpful for you to be of service to another by leaving a comment. Thank you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: despair, hopeless, hopelessness, hopelessness and despair

The Side Effects of Sobriety

February 1, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all! I chose “the side effects of sobriety” today because there have been so many for me, that I want to share about them.

The first effect of sobriety is the absence of hangovers. If you’re like me and experienced terrific hangovers every day, keeping you down until about 2 or 3 pm, then you will love this benefit of sobriety. Waking up clear is a true delight.

The second side effect of sobriety is healing of emotional wounds. For me, this took a bit of time, but the effort and wait were very much worth it. By remaining sober, the deep feelings I had numbed for years, had avoided for years, were brought forth for me to examine. At first it was very difficult, but over time, they softened and even got better as I did the emotional work to heal.

What do I mean when I talk about doing the emotional work to heal? I’m referring first to being present for the feelings that arise, allowing them to “be” within, without running, without numbing. Then there is the work with an outside, objective person to help dispel the ill-effects of various feelings gained along the way.

For example, as I grew up, I gained the feeling that I was worthless. This feeling stuck with me in adulthood and shadowed everything I did or tried to do. With external support and encouragement, I was able to realize that the words repeatedly said by my father, “you are worthless,” were a lie, not said about me. I learned that I was a very worthwhile person.

Another side effect of sobriety is the ability to look at the world around me in great detail. Everything is clearer, more noticeable to me.

Perhaps the biggest benefit of sobriety is the improvement I have had in my relations with others. I am able to come at a relationship with true caring and concern for the other, with true respect and tolerance. My vision of what they are saying to me is no longer skewed by the effects of alcohol, and I am not nearly as hostile or argumentative.

I can see others as spirited beings in sobriety, and this is something totally new for me. I delight in my dealings with others.

What are some of the side effects you have experienced in sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Being Judged by Others, Even Though They’re Flawed

January 30, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning! So sorry I missed yesterday. My computer would not allow me to access the back end of the blog, so I couldn’t write the blog. Today, it is cooperating… The search phrase I picked out is being judged by others, even though they’re imperfect themselves, even though they are displaying negative behavior.

It is my belief that we are being judged by others when they feel insecure and unsure about themselves. They are blowing out our light to make their light shine brighter. They feel “less than,” and putting us down builds them up – in their mind. The thing is, if we’re wise to them and their method, they don’t have to be built up. In fact, if we realize they’re putting us down to build themselves up, we can stop their behavior in its tracks.

We can bring to the attention of others that they are judging us negatively and to stop that behavior. Of course, this will most likely bring on a confrontation. None-the-less, speaking up against the verbal abuse is an option. When we are being judged by others, we can also just ignore what they say, knowing the reason behind their judgment. This is known as turning the other cheek.

So, we have a choice here and it depends upon the situation. If we are likely to enrage the other person who is judging us negatively, putting us in a dangerous situation, we may wish to just know deep within that what they are saying is not true. If, on the other hand, they are rational, and a conversation can be had in which we can bring up their judgment of us, then we will want to do so in the hopes that they can see their behavior and alter it.

In any event, know that when we are being judged by others, they are actually reflecting how they feel about themselves, and we would do well to not take it personally. If we do take it personally, we will likely develop anger and resentment toward the other person. I did this with my father when I was growing up, for the verbal abuse he slung my way. It took me 54 years to get past that to an understanding of his pain, and to get to forgiveness.

How do you treat others when you are feeling less than and insecure about who you are? Do you judge them harshly?

In closing, I have two points: First, I will be hosting the radio show W4CY.com every Monday afternoon at 3 pm PST. The name of the show is Transform Into Forgiveness. I imagine we will have discussions about how to get past being judged by others.

Second, I am starting two support groups called Opening the Gates of Your Heart. These groups will be in the San Francisco Bay Area in Marin and will focus on getting through grief and past resentment to forgiveness. Group one will meet every 2nd and 4th Monday from 10-11 am PST, starting February 11th. The second group will meet every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 1:30-2:30 pm, also PST, starting February 14th.

Both groups will run for 3 months and cost is $35 per month. Both groups will meet at the Wells Fargo Bank in San Rafael, 1203 4th Street, 2nd Floor, 94901. There is parking in the rear of the building, and you would go through the double doors in the rear. Take the elevator to the 2nd floor. For more information and to register, call me at 415-883-8325, or email me at carolyncjjones@yahoo.com.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living Tagged With: being judged by others, forgiveness, how to forgive, judgment, resentment, ridicule, ridiculed by others, support group, support groups, verbal abuse

How to Show Compassion

January 27, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, everyone! May this day bring you peace. May it also bring you the gift of showing compassion to those in your life. The search term I have chosen today is “how to show compassion (to your husband).” I have dropped off the “to your husband,” in the hopes that we can learn how to show compassion to anyone.

Fields of Compassion

Compassion is defined as the ability to show sympathy for another’s plight, to have empathy, coupled with a strong desire to help. In the process of getting to compassion, we will end up clearing out our anger, our resentment, toward the other person. That means we need to look at our anger.

To do that, first look at what is behind your anger. Usually, it is hurt, betrayal. Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel those feelings. Remember, what we resist, persists, so we want to shine light on our anger, our resentment. Next, we always want to so a self-appraisal to see if we did anything to start the dispute, the situation about which we are angry.

If we find we did do or say something to which the other person is reacting like any normal person would, then we need to take responsibility for that and apologize, at the same time letting go of the anger. We need to own our behavior, honestly and completely.

If we didn’t do something to provoke the other person, then we need to look with the eyes of compassion. So, how do we do that? We acknowledge the difficulty the other person is experiencing, or has experienced in their life that leads them to behave as they do, and we have sympathy, empathy, for them. To do this, we think of what we would feel like if we had experienced what the other did or does experience.

Once we have compassion for another, we can move toward forgiveness. As we forgive, it is easier and easier to expand our compassion toward them, and we are able to forgive more and more completely. The depth of the hurt will dictate the length of time this process takes, with more hurt leading to more time needing to forgive.

This is all a process and we would do well to have compassion for ourselves as we move through it all.

In what way do you try to show your compassion toward another or yourself? Leave a comment and let us know.

I’d like to let you know that, if you like what I blog about, then you may be interested in a support group I am starting. If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area and want to find peace-of-mind, want to find a way through any emotional turmoil, then I invite you to join me. There are two groups. One meets every 2nd and 4th Monday from 10 am to 11 am in San Rafael, in Marin. The second group meets every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 1:30 to 2: 30 pm, also in SanRafael. Both groups will run for three months.

We will cover how to identify the gates of your heart, learn the keys to unlock these gates, and understand how to push the gates open. In month one, we will deal with how to do a self-appraisal. Month two will be spent on getting through grief, and month three will deal with forgiveness so we can find peace.

If you are interested, call me to get more information or to register. The groups will start in February, 2013. Space is limited to twelve people per group. 415-883-8325.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, how to show compassion, resentful, resentment

How to Develop Tolerance

January 19, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all! Once again, the morning got away from me yesterday and I had to leave for work for the day before I blogged. I really don’t like people coming to my site to find my blogs and not finding a new each day. Yet, there is a wealth of information to keep visitors busy.

How to develop tolerance was searched for three times yesterday and today, so I thought I’d write my thoughts on that. The definition in Webster that fits my belief of tolerance is to recognize and respect another’s ideas or beliefs without sharing them. The definition goes on to say, to bear or put up with something that is not especially liked.

I suppose tolerance boils down to one saying that is a good motto to follow, and that is, “live and let live.” If we pay attention to our own affairs, and allow others to pay attention to theirs, we are that much closer to practicing tolerance. This assumes, of course, that the other is not being a harm to themselves or others. When they are being harmful, we do not tolerate that behavior or action.

If we dislike what someone believes in or is saying, then we can remove ourselves from the situation. What if we can’t? For example, I disliked the verbal abuse I was enduring as handed out by my now ex-husband. I couldn’t leave at the time. I wasn’t strong enough emotionally. Yet, it was a choice to stay in the marriage. And, I tolerated the abuse.

In retrospect, I see that I could have made good on my threat to leave much sooner than I did. I also could have employed lots of self-talk while being verbally put down, by building myself up, telling myself what he was saying were lies, that what he was saying was a reflection of his insecurities. Much easier said than done!

In the end, when we have the strength to do so, we can remove ourselves from the vicinity of someone whose opinion and actions we do not like and thus, tolerate them, while still taking care of ourselves. We allow them to be themselves while, at the same time, we respect and tolerate our own views and opinions.

Tolerance has to do with ourselves, also. We need to learn to tolerate our foibles and failings, accept them, and then move forward to correct them. We have the power to change ourselves and our behaviors, actions, and beliefs, and we can exercise that power.

When we act in such a manner, we end up finding peace-of-mind. How do you tolerate those people in your life that you find disagreeable? Have you tried any of the things I’ve suggested here? How did it work for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, tolerance, tolerant, tolerating

Fear of Emotional Sobriety

January 17, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning, all. I hope this day is a productive one for each of you. I actually started this two days ago, and the days got away from me, so I’ll try again…

I liked it that “fear of sobriety” was searched for twice, as I had been thinking of writing about whether sobriety was for you. Fear of sobriety fits quite nicely into that question. Before we dive into it though, I want to redefine the way I will now be looking at sobriety, which is what led me to add “emotional” to “sobriety.”

Sobriety refers to more than just abstaining from substances. It also refers to behaviors, and this is what I wish to focus on from here on in when I blog. I would like to define it as the act of developing more awareness – of self, others, and surroundings – as well as becoming more enlightened spiritually. It is about going through the gates of your heart, the gates of your life.

Webs of Fear

Using this definition, let’s look at fear now. Like a fly or some other insect, we each can get stuck in the webs of fear. My fear was not only about leaving behind the substances, it was also about changing my thoughts and behaviors as well. In fact, I didn’t even know that if I became more aware of myself and others, I would find peace-of-mind. And isn’t peace our goal? Don’t we all wish for peace-of-mind?

I was slow to wake up to self-awareness and especially awareness of others, as I was so emotionally damaged. It took doing a lot of work on myself to even identify what I was feeling! I was afraid to look at myself… fearful that I would find a nobody, a worthless person with no merit.

What I have found instead over the years is a highly compassionate and caring person with lots of gifts and talents. I discovered many strengths and character traits that I didn’t even know I had! Today, I can recognize and celebrate these.

It works that way when we do our emotional work, when we take a look at who we are at our core. It is scary, and the reward is immense peace that is gained. It grows on us. We become more self-aware, and thus, develop more sobriety. Also, as we become more self-aware, we become able to be more aware of others… their needs, their desires, and we become able to treat others with respect, kindness, and tolerance.

Said another way, when we become more self-aware, we are able to show more love to ourselves and to others. We also become enlightened in spiritual principles, such as gratitude and compassion. The end result of all of this? Sobriety in our behavior and more peace-of-mind.

Will you walk through the gates of your heart to more self-awareness, awareness of others, and the ability to practice spiritual principles? Or, will you continue to allow the fear of looking at yourself keep you from emotional sobriety? The choice is yours. Which will you make? Leave a comment and let us know. : )

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: emotional sobriety, how to find peace, peace, peace of mind, Sober Living, sobriety

Surrender in Sobriety

January 14, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Good morning, everyone! I hope this is a glorious day for each of you. Today’s search term I have chosen to address is “surrender in sobriety.”

When we surrender, our sobriety moves along much more smoothly. When I say surrender, I am referring to giving in to sobriety, or letting go of trying to manage our drinking. There are many points along the way where surrender will aid the pursuit of sobriety.

Surrender of Pretense

The first thing to surrender is the pretense that all is fine for us. To quote my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing and the verse Surrender of Pretense, “I am no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind my gate of false bravado and politeness. It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me. It is time to come out from behind my gate”

Once we give up the pretense that all is fine, we need to next surrender our thought that we can manage our drinking and stay sober through our own willpower. This is a myth. People are told all the time by friends and family, “You are a strong person. Just exert your strength and you will be able to stop.” It doesn’t work that way.

We need to give up our efforts to manage our drinking, to become sober, and turn to others and a higher power for help. We need to give in to the process that occurs in sobriety. This means letting go of trying to manage and control everything, of being in charge of everything.

After giving in to our efforts to manage our drinking, we need to next surrender to a higher power in our lives that will guide us, if we allow it to do so. This higher power can be anything we want it to be: nature, God, Buddha, our favorite place to be. The point is, we stop making liquor our higher power and allow something outside of liquor and ourselves to guide us, to support us, on an on-going and continual basis.

The next thing we surrender to is a major part of the process of sobriety. This includes looking at ourselves and our behaviors, our actions, and then apologizing if it has harmed another person. We give in and realize we are not perfect, nor is our behavior. This self-appraisal is a major step to freedom and peace-of-mind. The process then includes an on-going look at our behavior, catching ourselves when we act or behave poorly. By doing this, we can right our wrong immediately; this will help tremendously to maintain our sobriety.

We now surrender to the positive things that will come our way when we have surrendered all the things I have discussed above. Sometimes we feel we are undeserving of the good that comes our way, but if we have surrendered to all the things I have discussed, then we are worthy of the good. Welcome it in.

The photo and verse above are from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, which is an accounting of my journey of healing in sobriety. It is an excellent source of guidance for you to use through the feelings that surface in sobriety. Many claim they use it as a daily meditation guide. My book is available on this site, under the “Products” tab above. When you order my book, I sign it specifically for you. You can see examples of the pages under the “About” tab; then go to “The book.”

What are some of the things that get in your way of surrendering to sobriety? Or, have you found surrender to be easy? Please leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, surrender in sobriety

Living in Gratitude

January 12, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning, all! Today I would like to talk about gratitude – how to live with it every day, how it benefits us to do so. One of my images from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing is Visions of Gratitude, as seen here on the right.

Visions of Gratitude

The verse that accompanies this image is: “When I look with eyes that appreciate, everything around and within me is more pleasing, more beautiful.”

This has been my experience. The more I look around and appreciate all that I have, all that is in my life, the more pleasing life is in general. The more pleasant it is. The more grumbling I do about things, the more anger and dissatisfaction I feel. It’s my choice, and I like to feel good, so I choose looking with appreciation at all that I have.

We can all practice looking for the good in our lives, looking for things about which we are grateful. It starts from the moment we wake up… we can be grateful simply for waking up to have another day to live to our fullest, to experience life and all it presents.

Even if we are in the middle of hard times, we can be grateful that 1), we can feel the pain, because when we feel pain, we also feel joy when the pain clears, and 2), we can be grateful that from the difficult time, we will grow our spirit, our character.

When we express gratitude for all that we have, our demeanor is one of cheerfulness, of happiness. We are a joy and a pleasure to be around. We set a good example for others to show their gratitude.

Today, I am grateful for my home, my warmth, my kitty who is my companion, my health, my job… I am especially grateful to be an alcoholic because it led me to recovery and that led to healing that has occurred in my sobriety. Recovery has led to all the peace and happiness I have searched for all my life.

What are you grateful for today in your world? Leave a comment and share with us your joy and gratitude.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: attitude of gratitude, being grateful, grateful, gratitude, recovery, showing gratitude, sober, sobriety

How to Conduct a Self-Appraisal

January 7, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 6 Comments

Good morning! I hope your day is filled with lightness and joy. Today the search term I want to address is conducting a self-appraisal. This is a look at ourselves, a performance evaluation if you will, and it has great benefit.

The purpose of a self-appraisal is to determine how we are coming across in the world. It is a way to assure we are treating ourselves and others with kindness, tolerance, and respect. Many believe that this is an exercise designed to beat ourselves up, but that is not the true way to do a self-appraisal. Let’s look at another way to do one.

The first thing to do when conducting a self-appraisal is to identify all of our positive points. List out in writing all of the things that we like about ourselves, all the things that others say are positive about us.

We study this list to praise ourselves and to realize that we are good people at our core. We don’t do it to brag or flaunt our positive points. Rather, we are humble about our goodness and we see our positive points as gifts.

Next, we take a block of time – a week, two weeks, or a month – and list out all of the positive things we did during that time period. We are looking at all of the positive actions and behaviors we performed during this time period. We are not braggarts in this exercise, nor are we demeaning or disregarding of our behavior and actions. Once these positive points are identified, we sit with them, being with them, allowing them to sink into our consciousness and awareness.

Then, to continue our self-appraisal, we turn our attention to our negative and less-than-desireable actions and behaviors. This is done in a fact-finding fashion. In other words, we do not identify these things so we can beat ourselves up or feel guilt and remorse, although these may surface.

When we identify our negative points, our poor behaviors – and we all have them – we resolve to be responsible for our behavior by owning it. To own it, we first become aware and conscious of it, then we do whatever is necessary to change it. This part of the self-appraisal involves either apologizing for our actions or resolving to not repeat the behavior. We do not apologize if it will be hurtful to another; we simply change our behavior.

We are totally honest in this part of the self-appraisal, not cutting ourselves slack or giving excuses for our bad behavior and actions. The point is to shine the light of consciousness and awareness on them. Once we have done this, we own it, as I said above.

Bad behavior includes gossip, by the way, as this is spiritual assassination of another. We stop engaging in this behavior as a way to apologize to the one we denigrated. Often, we have done something that was mean to another, they reacted in a predictable, human way, and we are now resentful of their response to our meanness. If this is the case for us, we let go of the resentment and apologize, if it’s appropriate.

The benefits of a self-appraisal are that we feel more peace, more freedom of mind and heart. We become more gentle, tolerant, and respectful of people. Inside, the feelings we have for ourselves improve, become stronger and more positive.

I cannot say enough how freeing doing a self-appraisal is. We will be amazed at the benefits we experience. It will make us better people, less angry and bitter toward others In fact, the article I wrote on going from anger to forgiveness spells out the entire process and is something you will want to read. You can get it by leaving your name and email to the right. So leave them now and you will receive the article, which will further this process of the self-appraisal.

Armed now with the way to do a self-appraisal, we can now enjoy the peace and freedom we experience.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: freedom, freedome, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal

The Benefits of Compassion

January 6, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning to you all! It is the wee hours of the morning and I just popped awake, so I got up. I’m armed with a cup of coffee in me, and am ready to write. : ) This morning’s search term I chose is compassion. Let’s see where that takes us.

Webster defines compassion as sorrow for the troubles of another coupled with the desire to help. It also defines it as having pity, and here I disagree. Pity is also defined as sorrow for another’s misfortunes, and goes on to say it implies a slight contempt because the object is regarded as weak or ignorant. I don’t think people want pity, especially because it implies ignorance or weakness, yet I believe compassion is desired by others when they are suffering.

It is possible to feel compassion for someone who is ill or experiencing difficult times. For example, I am currently care-taking a woman who is unable to be independent in her life, and I show her compassion. I think, “What if this were me? How would I like to be treated?” So I show her a mixture of kindness, gentleness, and patience – all components of compassion.

The benefit is a feeling that I have done something good for another, and that feels satisfying emotionally. It feeds my spirit, my soul. The benefit to the other person is that they feel nurtured, cared for and about.

Perhaps the biggest benefit of compassion is that it leads to forgiveness – of others and of ourselves. Let me explain how I discovered this. I spent 38 years angry and bitter about my up-bringing and the damage it did to my psyche. Then, through the process of my recovery in sobriety, I was lookinig at the relationship I had with my parents at the time, and I began to think about what they had endured in their lives.

What I realized is that they were abused themselves in harmful ways, and they were just repeating that behavior with me. When seen in this light, I began to feel sorrow for their troubles, their experiences, knowing how difficult the after-effects of abuse are. And they never learned to examine the feelings associated with their misfortunes. I began to feel compassion for them.

I re-visited that space of compassion many times, as I thought about the effect their up-bringing had on mine, and I found my anger and bitterness melting slowly away. Eventually, I realized I was feeling forgiveness for their behavior, knowing they knew no other way. That did not condone their actions and behaviors, of course, but forgiveness does not mean you condone anything that happened, it just means you pardon it.

In a similar fashion, we can feel compassion for ourselves over our difficulties, our misfortunes, and even our bad behavior. After-all, we knew no better or we would have done differently at that time. We were most likely wounded people ourselves. Instead of feeling pity or remorse, however, we can allow ourselves to feel compassion for our ignorance, our woundedness that led us to poor behavior.

We can feel compassion for the damaged person that we perhaps became through our experiences in life. Yet, that is not grounds for excuses over our behavior or actions. We feel compassion for ourselves, learn the lesson, and move forward in our life, resolving to not repeat what led us to compassion in the first place.

So, there you have what I believe to be the benefits of compassion, with forgiveness of others and ourselves high on the list. In what way do you show compassion to others, to yourself? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, how to show compassion, living sober, recovery, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, whay do we show compassion

Respect for the Rights of Others

January 5, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all! “Respect for the rights of others” was searched for four times, and I wish to address that today. To look at how to do this, it is necessary to look at what I believe another’s rights actually are. So let’s discuss them.

Cultivation of Differences

First, the biggest thing we can do to respect another is to tolerate one’s differences. In fact, we can celebrate the differences of each other, encouraging others, and ourselves, to greatness. The differences of others is what brings richness to our lives.

The second thing we can do to respect another is to treat them with kindness and consideration, just like we would want to be treated. When I say “consideration,” I am referring to consideration of one’s beliefs and one’s feelings.

It is the right of another to be treated as a worthy being, simply because they are living on this earth. We each are inherently worthy and we can respect that of another.

Respect of Individuality

Acknowledging one’s individuality is another way to show respect for them. We spend lots of time trying to get others to be like us, to think like us, to act like us. Is that because we feel insecure about who we are ourselves?

If we respect someone’s individuality and cultivate their differences, think of the harmony that would be created among us. Similarly, if we respect OUR individuality and cultivate OUR differences, think how we would shine in the world.

So, armed with these things – tolerance, cultivation of differences, kindness, consideration, and encouragement of individuality – we will be showing respect for others’ rights.

What actions do you take which show respect for another? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: consideration of another, individuality, kindness, respect, tolerance

The Power of Willingness

January 1, 2013 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning and Happy New Year to all of you out there! I hope you all have a wonderful year in 2013! I want to start the year off by talking about willingness, but before I do, I’d like to address the person who searched for “sometimes living is worthless.”

To you who searched for that, I’d like to say, yes, sometimes it feels like living is worthless. There appears to be no hope, nothing to do that will improve the situation. That is what it was like for me anyway, when I was praying to God to let me die in 2005.

The operative word there is “feels.” It “feels” like living is worthless. The thing is, it is a feeling, and if we allow them, feelings will come and go. They pass if we just hang in there and wait for them to do so. What worked for me when I felt living was worthless, was helping someone to get through what I had gotten through in my suffering.

In other words, I was helped through that feeling by being useful to another, and I was useful to another by sharing my story with someone who was struggling with the same feelings with which I had been struggling. It worked for me to talk through these feelings in an effort to be of service to another. When I realized that by sharing how I made improvements in my life I was helpful to another, I began to feel that life WAS worth living. Perhaps you can gain something from that and your feeling that living is worthless will ease.

Key of Willingness

Let’s move on to willingness. In fact, willingness applies in the situation above, because one has to be willing to be of service to another, willing to let the feeling of worthlessness travel through.

Webster defines willingness as acting and giving readily, cheerfully, gladly… voluntarily. I found that asking the Universe for the willingness to be willing to have willingness was useful to get me to the point of having willingness. Unfortunately for my mental health, I had to be beaten down to the lowest low emotionally and with my drinking, before I was able to gain the willingness to do something about it all. I was so bad off, I became willing to do whatever it took to feel better.

Today, I define willingness as one of the major keys to use to open the gates of my heart when it is closed. In fact, I find willingness to be the key for the basis of everything I do. The power of willingness is remarkable. When I am willing, all sorts of positive things come my way. Often, problems solve themselves with my action and God’s intervention, but I have to be willing to do the work. Then, I have to be willing to allow God to work in my life.

The act of being willing opens doors that might never be opened for us. It’s like, when we show willingness, the Universe knows how to help us attain what we want and need. It opens our mind, our heart. There is great power in that.

How do you show willingness? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: being willing, key of willingness, willing, Willingness

Taking It One Day At a Time

December 31, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

There is a lot to be said for living one day at a time, whether you are in sobriety or not. This doesn’t mean you don’t make plans or think ahead; you do. But you focus on the day before you; you focus on the present.

I used to spend my time in the past and the future… anything but the present moment before me. Consequently, I missed out on a whole lot of pleasure and goodness. I was angry about the past and kept living it over and over again. I also stayed in the past with my guilt over my actions and behaviors, things I said to others.

I lived in great fear of the future, imagining every detail of what could and would happen in my life. I also created a fantasy life in my mind, looking toward the future with great hopes of this or that happening. I was rarely in the present moment, enjoying what was right in front of me.

Then I got sober and I began the journey to learn how to live one day at a time. You don’t have to have a drinking problem to live one day at a time, only a realization that you are in the past and future and not the present moment.

On my journey, I was taught how to live in the moment by focusing on the next indicated thing to do. In other words, I learned to go from task to task as it related to my goal or desired outcome. Sometimes, the next indicated thing was to wash the dishes or to take a nap.

As far as planning, I learned to make plans, but to hold them loosely, sometimes changing these plans according to my needs and desires when that moment rolled around. I was taught to make plans but to let go of the outcome.

The result has been that I no longer worry about the future or the past, and my fear of the future is much less. I have learned to accept the things I did or did not do in the past, and I have learned to make plans and let go of how it all works out. It is a most freeing way to live, taking it one day at a time. It has allowed me to focus on the moment, where all the richness of life lies.

How are you at living one day at a time? Have you mastered it or is that something you wish to learn to do? Leave a comment and let us know. And, have a Happy New Year… fun and safe.

Filed Under: Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: one day at a time, sober, sobriety

The Art of Gentleness

December 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning and happy almost-New-Year. My cat Izzy is walking back and forth in front of me, looking for pets, reaching out her paw, asking for more, so I pet her with great gentleness. She is so precious. She brightens my life.

This morning, I wanted to write about gentleness of heart, gentleness of spirit. I wanted to talk about gentleness to others as we interact with them and to ourselves as we grow and change. I feel light in my heart when I am gentle with others, when I treat them in a kind, serene and patient way.

The same goes for me when I treat myself with gentleness, with kindness, patience, and serenity. I am more gentle with others than I am with myself, as I forget a lot of the time to be patient with my progress, my attempts to learn, grow, and heal. Yet, when I show gentleness to myself, I progress further than when I am being unkind and impatient.

Bed of Gentleness

This is the image from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse is: “Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

How do I show gentleness to others? It truly is as simple as being kind and serene… patient with them. When I am in that space, I am quiet and assured in my heart, and that is reflected in my actions, my behavior, my words, and my tone of voice. I am relaxed and others, in turn, become more relaxed as well.

And how do I show gentleness to myself? I use a lot of self-talk with quiet, reassuring words that I am okay, that I am doing fine. I show myself kindness and patience, and I act in a serene manner. This leads to a gentler way to approach my thoughts, my behaviors, and my actions.

Do you treat others and yourself with gentleness? How does that feel for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: gentle, Gentleness, gently

How to Manage Resentment

December 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I spent 38 years of my life carrying a resentment against my parents for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I was a bitter, angry person, filled with self-pity. I drank heavily, saying, “You’d drink too if you’d had an upbringing like mine.” The thing is, the resentment was only hurting myself, and did nothing to move me forward in life.

Resentment is defined by Webster as a feeling of bitter hurt or indignation, from a sense of being injured or offended. In recovery circles, it is distinguished from anger by the thought that a resentment means to feel again and again.

Today, I have resolved my resentment and enjoy a fine relationship with my parents, as well as with others. How did I do that, get to that place?

First, I looked at what was behind my resentment. I found it was usually because I was hurt or disappointed by something someone did or said. I took that hurt and disappointment and ran with it, feeling it again and again, feeling indignant that “this” was done to me. As I mentioned, I was filled with self-pity.

The second thing I did was to conduct a self-appraisal. This involved looking at my positive points first, and then my negative ones, my negative thoughts, behaviors, and actions. What I discovered was that I had very high expectations, higher than, for example, my parents could meet, given their own wounds they received while growing up. They were incapable of being who and what I wanted them to be. When I realized this, I was able to let go of my expectations and enjoy the positive things that came my way.

Also in that appraisal, I discovered ways in which I had gotten the ball rolling on a resentment. In other words, I did or said something to hurt another and they reacted in a human way back to me. I then resented them for how they reacted. But I started the whole affair. I had to learn to identify my part in things, and in the case of resentment, I found it was caused usually by my behavior and actions.

That was an embarrassing thing for me to realize, as I thought I was “justified” in my resentment, but when I saw that I started the whole thing, I had to let go of the resentment. I had to learn to identify what was behind the resentment and it was most often hurt.

It was also because I was disappointed by something and blamed it on the person I thought disappointed me. After doing my appraisal, identifying when I was disappointed, I began to learn not to expect anything from anyone. This way, when something happened that was nice, it was a pleasant surprise.

To recap, my resentment was almost always caused by my high expectations that someone couldn’t meet, or by something I did or said to get the ball rolling. How did I get past my resentments?

Well, after the self-appraisal, I began to develop compassion for others. For example, when I allowed myself to look at my parents and what they endured during their childhood, I began to realize they were just repeating what was done to them. Knowing what that was like, I felt compassion for their childhood, and for them. From this compassion, I was able to forgive. That does not mean I condone what happened; it just means I am pardoning their behavior, having seen its root causes.

I hope this is helpful information that you can put to use now or in the near future. Here’s to the resolution of resentment in your life.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living Tagged With: compassion, forgiveness, how to forgive, how to manage resentment, resentment

Gratitude for Another Day

December 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and I hope your Christmas day was filled with gratitude – for the day’s blessings and for staying sober. One person searched for Christmas day, their first day sober. Today is their second and I hope it goes well for them.

Visions of Gratitude

Today I’m talking about gratitude for yet another day, and specifically, for my sobriety. I am very grateful for the day of sobriety on Christmas day. There were times in my life when staying sober on Christmas was very difficult, but I made it through by expressing gratitude throughout the day.

I keep my eye and heart on the abundance I am experiencing, rather than the scarcity. For example, my sister sent several gifts for me to put under the tree, and I am so grateful she did. It completed the feeling of Christmas. It led me to feel wanted, appreciated and I am grateful.

If I’d had no gifts, I could have been grateful for the tree and the joy it brings to the room. If I’d had no tree, I could have expressed gratitude for my home, my cat, food, and my health. The point is, there is always something to be grateful for, even if it is the smallest thing.

When I was first sober, I had difficulty showing gratitude for anything. I was too mired in the emotional pain I felt over my past. I went through a period of great anger and sadness over those feelings, those experiences.

It wasn’t until I’d done some healing work that I was able to write a gratitude list, listing out the basic things for which I was grateful. It included things like being grateful for my abilities at renovation. You saw the results of my renovation skills yesterday, in the picture of the van I rebuilt.

I am most grateful for those skills, as I am for other abilities I have. Today, I am grateful for my past, as it has made me into what and who I am today, with knowledge of what it’s like to be abused, so I can relate to others who have been or are being abused, so I can offer words of encouragement, support, so I can relay what happened to me to led me to be grateful for the abuse.

That story is another post. Today, I invite you to make a gratitude list, listing out the most simple and basic things for which you are grateful. When I made a gratitude list, I found that as I listed out those things, I was able to express gratitude for more and more things. It became a self-perpetuating situation, a little grew and grew until I was grateful for every little thing.

I wish for you gratitude for another day, another day of sobriety, if you are a sober person. If you practice gratitude, I hope it lifts your spirits. Have a pleasant day, filled with gratitude.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: attitude of gratitude, grateful, gratitude, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Will This Day Hold For You?

December 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yes, what WILL this day hold for you? Are you up-in-the-air, welcome to anything that comes along? Or, do you have plans that you are following through on, and waiting to see where that action takes you? Which ever way you are doing it, the point is to be open to what comes along.

Be willing to be flexible, to change your plans or how you do something. Be tied to the surprise of the outcome rather than your outcome to an action. When you approach everything that happens as a surprise, things have a feeling of newness, of delight. Disappointment is lessened.

The thing is, you have a choice of your attitude. You can choose to stay firmly aligned with a certain outcome and when it doesn’t occur the way you planned or wanted, you get angry, disappointed, hurt. But when you approach everything as a surprise, you are always appreciative of what comes up.

What do you choose for the day? Surprise and delight, or anger and disappointment? Leave a comment and let us know which you chose.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: anger, angry, choice, disappointment, the ability to choose

Is Living Worthwhile?

December 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was taken aback by this search term this morning, and want to address it. The question searched for was “Is Living Worthless,” and I changed it to “worthwhile,” as it is easier to address for me. The an answer is, no, living is not worthless, and yes, living is worthwhile.

How do you discover your worth when you feel worthless? First, let’s define worthless a little bit. It creeps up on you when you feel there is no use in continuing, when you feel your life has no purpose, no worth to anyone. It is a feeling that accompanies hopelessness, and leaves you exhausted, depressed. So, how do you get out of this feeling?

It is helpful to find someone for whom you can be useful, even if you are just two steps ahead of them in the healing journey. That help comes in the form of you telling your story to someone in need and relaying how you got past your own feelings of worthlessness, focusing only on what you have gained, and not on the distance you have yet to go. You want to give from one to three points of things the person can do to work through those feelings.

For example, it might have worked, or be working, for you to journal. If this is the case, tell the person who is feeling worthless that they can journal and feel better. Recommend they write with their non-dominant hand, as all sorts of deep feelings will come out and they can get to the core faster than if they write with their dominant hand. This has been tested and found to be true and I found it to be true in the writing of the majority of verses in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Taking a brisk walk or engaging in some other form of exercise may have been, or is being, helpful to you. Therapy may have been helpful also, as has been, perhaps, any group’s support meetings. And, there is always prayer, asking for the willingness and strength to get through your feelings of worthlessness.

Remember, you are taking the strife you have experienced in your life, turning it positive, and then relaying what you did, to someone who is feeling worthless. You are trying to be of service to another. There is nothing quite like realizing you have been of use to a person who is hurting, that helps you get out of the feeling of being worthless, nothing quite like discovering the purpose of your life. For, you see, helping another is your purpose in life. It just depends upon HOW you are intended to help them.

Once you talk to another who is struggling, one who is in great emotional pain, you will feel that life is worth living. You will see the purpose of your life to be that of being of service. This will feel wonderful and it will change your thoughts about yourself when you think about being of service to another.

This does not mean that you forget about your own personal pain. No, you keep it off to the side while you’re helping the other person; you put it on hold. But you do not want to negate it or sweep it under the rug, because the pain will just show up in a different way in your life. At its best, your personal pain ignored will keep you stuck, unable to move forward.

When you are not helping another, and are considering your own feelings of worthlessness, try to write about these feelings and why you feel worthless. Get in writing all the old stories, the old injustices, that have led you to this point of not feeling worthwhile. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and look them squarely in the eye. Recognize the hurt, humiliation, and shame that are beneath the worthlessness. As you focus on these feelings, they will soon float away, replaced by other thoughts.

Look at the ways in which you can take action to fix or right things that are wrong in your life, or that are not the way you want them to be. Follow through with these actions, or you will feel like a failure. Start with just a few, or even one, manageable actions to begin with and grow from there if you’d like. But, be responsible and do your part to get to a place of feeling worthwhile.

Do you feel worthless? Do you think you can be of service to another so you begin to feel more worthwhile? Write down the answers to these questions, using your non-dominat hand. List out people you know that are struggling emotionally, and think how what you have learned or experienced could be of use to that person. Resolve to tell them your story and you will be spreading hope.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: is living worthwhile, worthless, worthlessness, worthwhile

Fulfilling Your Dream in Sobriety

December 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fulfillment of Dreams

Good morning! Today, I liked the search term “fulfilling your dream,” and I added “in sobriety,” because it has been my experience that in sobriety, dreams can and do come true.

I experienced one of my dreams – that of being in the big-time sailing world, when I lived aboard a sailboat for three years. I was still drinking at the time. In sobriety, the dreams I have fulfilled started as those of an emotional nature, and grew to be concrete things and experiences.

I had a dream, All of my life I dreamed of being happy, finding happiness and being at peace. I looked everywhere for these – in others, in experiences, in situations. But I never looked within for happiness, for peace.

Then, in sobriety, I began to learn how to find happiness and fulfillment from within. I began to experience more and more happiness the more I looked inside for it. If someone had told me I needed to look inside myself for happiness, for peace, for fulfillment of my dreams, I would have scoffed and turned away in disgust.

Now, in sobriety, I know that the only way to find fulfillment and, thus, happiness and peace, is ultimately through a self-assessment, a self-appraisal. In this process, I ferret out the things about myself that are keeping me from moving forward toward my dream.

In my case, my dream was to be a published author, and I have accomplished this with the publishing of my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. That dream was present as a child, and I apparently stated one day that I was going to write a book. I don’t recall that, but the desire remained with me subconsciously, and here we are – with a book I wrote, photographed, and published.

Then, when I was a senior in high school, I was a lead in the school musical, and from that point, I discovered I loved being on stage and vowed to become a speaker one day. That dream is coming true for me. I have launched myself as a motivational speaker, and have been speaking to a variety of groups. It is all possible because of my sobriety, and only my sobriety.

Through that state, the state of being sober, I learned more about myself to dispel the myths and lies I was told at a young age, lies that shaped me into a distorted and stormy being in adulthood. I had to learn to see my goodness as a person, my positive points, and once I became able to see myself in a positive light, with love, I became able to see others with gentleness and kindness, and I experienced happiness, peace.

Since we’re talking about peace, I’d like to say that although we have not achieved that state, I can pass along the peace I feel toward others in day-to-day contact with them. It leads to a peaceful existence in my world. So, I am in the process of fulfilling another dream in sobriety.

So, how can you fulfill your dream in sobriety? You can focus on your sobriety, on learning how to do a self-appraisal to uncover your goodness, and then you can learn how to show yourself kindness, gentleness, and compassion for the wounded person you were, for believing the negative things about yourself that you were told.

Once you reach this point, you begin to relax and start listening to the tugging of your heart, the whisper of your soul, telling you that you have a dream that wants to be fulfilled. Because you have positive thoughts and feelings about yourself, you come forth with self-confidene in your dream, following your heart’s messages, and soon, your dream has started to become a reality.

Sometimes, that day comes after years, because you have held your dream in your heart, reserving a little space for it, sending it attention every now-and-again. It commies suddenly, as you realize one day that you are living your dream. Only through your sobriety, though, can you access your urgings. Only in sobriety, do you have the courage to move forward in the face of fear, to fulfill your dream.

What is your heart’s desire and what are you doing to fulfill it? Have you mastered doing a self-appraisal, such that you can define your positivity? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Stay Sober During the Holidays

December 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today, I’d like to discuss how to stay sober during the Holidays, how to rise above the family feuds and grudges that keep the fires of bitterness and resentment stoked. Taking a look at this will require action on your part, and the rewards are simply awesome. You will feel a freedom and a lightness you have not felt in years. You will not want to drink.

Perhaps the single, most effective tool to use to get through and past family feuds and bitterness is the self-appraisal. Let’s review how to do an appraisal and you will discover the secret of how to stay sober.

First, list out your positive points, the things about yourself that you like, that others say they like. Spend some time doing this, maybe a day reflecting on nothing but your positive points. Then, pick a time period, either a week or a month, and list out all the positive behaviors and actions you took during this time that were thoughtful, kind, gentle, compassionate – you get the point, I’m sure. You are trying to ferret out all your goodness, to identify it so you can feel good about yourself. Contemplate about these things for a day, just “being” with your goodness.

After you have spent a day or so discovering and acknowledging your goodness, turn your attention to the darker side of your character, to your negative behavior. We all have such a side. Look at the ways in which you were unkind and demeaning to yourself and others. List these out so you can see them on the page. Acknowledge them. Practice being humble about them.

Now, look at the relationships with others that are problematic for you, ones about which you are resentful or harbor a grudge, ones that are causing a feud. Look at this closely. You are trying to determine if you, in fact, said or did something unkind or rude to another that led them to react in a predictable, human way. If you find situations that you instigated, that you started, rethink your anger, your bitterness and take responsibility for your bad behavior by letting go of the resentment.

This is the one, most single action that, when completed, will show you how to stay sober. You can dive deeper into the situation, also. For example, once you identify that you, in fact, started a feud, you can feel compassion for yourself, a troubled soul. You can feel compassion for the other person who responded like any other human who was treated poorly.

This exercise is the precursor to forgiveness and once you discover forgiveness, you will discover freedom of heart and mind. You will especially wish to right your wrongs during this Holiday season. This means being humble, admitting your fault, and apologizing to the other person for any grief you have caused them.

In a situation where you did not start the ball of hate and anger rolling – the other person did, then look at the other person as a wounded soul, someone who is sick emotionally. Extend compassion to this wounded person, just like you would for anyone who is ill. Really feel a softness in your heart, and let it guide you to forgiveness. It is from that place of forgiveness that you will find great peace. Even though there are situations in which you had no negative behavior, there are many that involve your self-righteousness, when you, in fact, started the ball rolling. That’s what we were talking about in the preceding paragraphs.

And now you know how to stay sober, merely by being responsible for your own behavior, by taking ownership for it.

Do you have some advice on how to stay sober during the Holidays? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to stay sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Opening Your Heart in Sobriety

December 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Openness of Heart

Good morning. One of the search terms, the one we’ll talk about today, is opening your heart and I added “in sobriety.” You will find, as your sobriety progresses, that your heart will open. But there are specific things you can do to help this to happen.

The photo to the right is one from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse that accompanies it is:

“We spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that may come to us. If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light. We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.”

So, how do you let down the barrier of your heart that you have erected to protect yourself?

First of all, if you approach yourself and others with gentleness, your heart will begin to open more. Next, kindness to others and yourself will help. Then, there is tolerance, which will add to your ability to open your heart in sobriety. Being tolerant of others’ differences, being tolerant of yourself and your foibles, will aid your journey to an open heart.

The most important thing, though, for allowing your heart to open is the practice of compassion – for yourself and for others. When you practice compassion, your heart softens. Sometimes, to get to compassion, it helps to do a self-appraisal, so you can discover the things you do that others do, to annoy you.

For example, you may get angry at others for something and when you do a self-appraisal, you may discover that you do the very same thing. Instead of continuing to blame the other, you can open your heart and see you both as wounded humans, and accept the foibles you are both demonstrating.

In sobriety, these steps will aid you to open your heart. And certainly, you do not have to be practicing sobriety to do these things.

How do you open your heart? Let us know what you have learned in sobriety that allows you to open your heart by leaving a comment.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, Gentleness, kindness, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

PTSD Despair – the Conclusion

December 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today, we conclude the post about PTSD despair. Yesterday, we ended with me saying I wanted to share my experience of what was happening at the end, when I was praying to die. Here’s what was going on for me.

I had been in a state of decreased energy, of lethargy, for weeks, feeling that my abusive past had occurred only to make my life miserable. Other than that, there was no purpose to it, there was no purpose to me, to my life. This was my state-of-mind at about five years of sobriety. One day, I was at a group meeting for that sobriety, and a man shared about the difficulties he was experiencing from his childhood that were affecting him today. It sounded like what I had been through, but I was a few steps ahead of him in the process of healing. So, I went up after the meeting and began to talk with him.

I first asked him for permission to share some things with him. After he said yes, I related to his experience by relaying some of what I had been through. Then I began to talk of the books I had read that had been helpful with the symptoms of abused people, such as Claudia Black, Alice Miller, John Bradshaw, books that had helped with my healing. I relayed how wondrous my therapist was in dealing with recovery issues, both for my alcoholism and my abusive past and the characteristics I was displaying, and was able to give him her number.

What I had to say was useful to him – I could see it in his face, in his eyes. He was so grateful for the information, he almost cried. As I walked back to my car, I realized in a flash that I DID have purpose, my abusive past WAS for a reason. That reason was to help others who were dealing with what I had overcome, even if I was just two steps in front of them in a couple areas. If I had not endured the abuse, I never would have been able to offer him anything. Therefore, my abuse had a purpose.

I had a purpose. From that point, I realized my purpose in life was to connect with people who were suffering emotionally, and relay the things that had helped me, so that the information could be of use to them.

In your case, with PTSD, let’s say you are a veteran, reliving the trauma you experienced, the terror, living in anger over the grief of premature deaths you witnessed, dealing with the guilt that somehow you could have prevented it. You are living a nightmare, and, yet, I invite you to take action to get out of the place where you currently are. Here is what I invite you to try. It worked for me.

Seek assistance from a qualified therapist, versed in PTSD issues. They exist at VA medical centers, if you are a vet, and interviewing a potential therapist about their experiences with PTSD treatment will help guide you in the right direction in selecting a well-versed therapist. I looked for a therapist that was versed in alcohol recovery and who knew the effects and treatment for being an abused child, for example, because at the time, I had not been diagnosed with PTSD.

After you select a therapist, ask about the use of EMDR, or get that yourself. It was roughly $100 a session and I needed three. I would imagine the VA centers have someone available to do it or could refer you. Do some reflection about your feelings of despair, your lack of purpose in the world, your guilts, your grief… writing, journalling was extremely helpful to me to get feelings out, and especially because I wrote with my left, non-dominant hand. They say that writing with the non-dominant hand brings forth new information from the other side of the brain, and it stimulates you with deeper thoughts. I invite you to try it.

I invite you to stop drinking, if you are doing so. The liquor fuels the symptoms that you are experiencing, especially the anger. I know it doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the middle of it. But your world remains very small while you are drinking, filled with resentments and bitterness, guilt and remorse. You look for relief for these things in the alcohol, yet you will never find them there. It is in the absence of alcohol that you will find relief. There are many resources to help you stop drinking that are listed in the yellow pages, or on the internet. For me personally, I found getting sober to be the beginning of the process that has allowed me to find the peace I looked for in alcohol and drugs. I invite you in from the cold.

Finally, I’d like to invite you to look at the cause of your PTSD despair, and discover how that experience, the experience over which you despair, can be useful to another if you were to share with them your experience and what one, maybe two, steps you’ve taken to heal. All you have to be is two steps ahead of them in the healing process. I cannot describe the way my heart soared to know I had been of use to another and I invite you to experience it also.

I hope these two posts have been useful for you. I wish you well in your journey. May you have peace.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: EMDR, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, PTSD, PTSD despair, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How Renovation is a Spiritual Experience

December 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. Let’s face it… some days I just don’t get to blogging, and so I don’t blog. Can we all accept that and I can quit apologizing when I miss a day? Thank you. I can stop beating up on myself for missing yesterday.

I am really torn about what to write today, because I was prepared to talk of my window renovation project. Then, I see the search terms and one is, PTSD despair. Ahhh, that tugged at my heartstrings. I know that one and I want to write about it. However, even as I say those words, I realize I must take some time to recollect those days, those feelings, to collect my thoughts generally about my PTSD experience. So, I will write tomorrow about PTSD despair. Please come back tomorrow for that blog.

My bay window with Hoya plant

Today I’d like to talk about my latest project, the renovation of my rotted bay window. And moldy, I might add. That’s how it all started… with the mold. But, heh. Let me start at the beginning… well, first, this is the picture of the window at night, showing you its size and current location in my office. The window is nine feet wide.

I have a leak in one of the three bay windows in my mobile home. I cannot find it and everything I CAN find upstream that might lead to a leak is caulked. The leak has caused the window-side of the window seat to rot in places, and I have known I need to pull it apart and repair it. And I’m fine with that… I am well-versant at projects such as these, after my experience living aboard and renovating an older sailboat with lots of wood. I have worked quite a bit with epoxy, and feel pretty confident about tackling this project.

window with all the rotten wood gone

Last weekend, it was really rainy here in the San Francisco Bay Area. On Sunday afternoon, I got a strong whiff of mold, and knew right away it was from my window. Rats! I realized that now was the time to take it apart and do the project. So, I did. I pulled the window seat and the rotten wood in the framing underneath the window out of there, along with wet insulation. There was extensive damage on the left lower corner of the big window.

Once I pulled apart the window, I had to figure out how to fix it. Actually, I had given it a lot of thought and had decided to create en environment that could get wet and not penetrate the wood. The water from the leak can then collect in the metal flooring of the window seat, and not rot anything out. Soon, it would evaporate. Being a lover of penetrating epoxy, I figured I would use that to treat the damaged wood to strengthen it, stop the rot, and then fill in the gaps in the framing with new wood that is completely epoxied, so no water can penetrate it.

dry rot cleaned out in lower left of big window

Good plan, don’t you think? Well, as I blogged a few days ago, I got the epoxy from a store other than a boating store, and it’s consistency is not of water, like penetrating epoxy I’m used to working with, but I was assured the stuff I was getting would, in fact, penetrate somewhat. I should have listened to that voice… this epoxy did not penetrate… it coated. Somehow, I did not understand that. Maybe there was some seepage into the wood, but not like PE. Anyway, I was in the middle of it, so needed to continue.

The problem is, the epoxy must not have totally cured, because I am still smelling damp epoxy, still smelling mold when I first come into the house. So, do I caulk the crap out of the whole area, using a boating caulk that adheres to wood and to metal, further creating an environment into which the water cannot seep in the first place. Maybe my logic’s off, but it seems logical.

Maybe I need to just be patient and let the smells gas out, to dry out, or maybe I need to call someone to treat the mold and let that treatment cure before I rebuilt the window seat. Or, maybe I go get some PE and re-saturate it, hoping that the PE will harden the whole mess when it “kicks’ or hardens.

Izzy and epoxied shims for support wood

The whole experience has shaken my confidence somewhat, and I definitely have needed to look at whether I was being cocky about my abilities. So, with humility and a thirst for knowledge, I will go visit Michael at West Marine in Sausalito, to see what his take is on the whole thing. He is the guru of boat repair and chemical usage. And he knows his products.

This is a spiritual experience, as it teaches me about patience, about being humble. It allows me to receive grace, to go with the flow. It leads me to ask for help. It teaches us all what we can do in situations that baffle us… we can have patience, be humble and teachable, and ask for help.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s blog, and that you can gain some spiritual significance from it. Certainly, I am open to any feedback about what to do with my window. : ) Have a great day. Return tomorrow for PTSD despair.

Filed Under: Principle of living Tagged With: renovation, spiritual experience

How to Open Your Heart More

December 6, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to open your heart more” was searched for 4 times yesterday morning, so I thought I’d address that. I apologize for no post yesterday… I started this and the day got away from me before I could develop the blog. So, here we are today, in this moment, and let me write about how to open your heart.

The first thing needed to open your heart is willingness to do so, willingness to go there. Once you are willing, the whole world opens up, and you are able to see the things around you that you couldn’t see before. You see your physical world more intently; you see others with eyes and heart of gentleness and kindness.

Once you are willing to open your heart, the next stage involves identifying the wounds you have endured during your lifetime, and the feelings that accompany these wounds. Look closely at your fear and how it holds you back in life. Look closely at grief you may be experiencing, a feeling associated with loss of any type. Allow yourself the time to look at these feelings and try to be straight while you do so. Try to just “be” with them, without numbing them out with substances or activity.

Now, feel compassion for yourself for the wounds you have received and endured. See yourself with gentleness, kindness. Do not slide into self-pity… this is not a pity party I am suggesting. More, it is an objective assessment and acknowledgment of the damage you have received. Now it’s time to start seeing the world around you with gratitude. Be grateful for the simplest things and soon that gratitude will expend to larger things in your life.

Now you are equipped to begin a self-appraisal, looking first at your positive traits, behaviors, and actions. Really praise yourself for these things. Then, look at your negative behavior, the things you do for which you are mad at others for doing, when you do the very same things yourself. For your bad behavior that was hurtful to others, take ownership of that behavior. Be responsible and accountable for it by letting go of any resentments, and apologizing, if indicated.

This tool is invaluable as one to use on an on-going basis, throughout each day. It becomes second-nature to see yourself honestly, objectively. Rather than allowing this appraisal to be a jumping-off place from which to beat yourself up, use it instead as a method of keeping yourself right-sized… not bragging or boastful, nor insecure and self-reproachful. Use a self-appraisal to locate where you are in your world, both outer and inner.

Once you learn to follow this process, you will have opened your heart so very much. There is one more tool to use to get to deep peace and freedom, and that is forgiveness. Forgiveness allows you, without condoning what was done, to put to rest your heart-burning resentment, the thing that keeps you simmering with anger just below the surface. Once you come to forgiveness, you will begin to be really free, able to open your heart even wider.

So, this is the process to go through to open your heart. How does it work for you? Do you have a different method? What works for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, fear, forgiveness, grief, how to forgive, key of willingness, loss grief, open your heart, overcome fear, Willingness

Living in Wonder in Sobriety

December 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was going to take Sundays off, yet I am pulled to the keyboard this morning to write again about sobriety. I don’t see anything in the search terms that grabbed my attention. There were two about having no value, however, and I just cannot go there this morning. I will say to those of you who feel you have no value, hang in there, and if you are struggling with a drinking problem, I invite you to try sobriety.

Sobriety is a powerful tool against the feelings of worthlessness, the feeling you have no value. Oh, you may feel those feelings more intensely for a bit after you get sober, just as you will feel all of your feelings more acutely, including things like joy and wonder. In other words, when you get sober, you will feel your feelings again, and you have the capacity to feel all the feelings along the continuum, from the very difficult to the sublime and empowering.

The sublime and empowering feelings are available in sobriety, just as much as the negative and difficult ones, but we forget to access them because we get so mired in the difficult ones. They consume our energy. We would do well to practice seeing the joy, the wonder… seeing with gratitude when we can.

The more we can recognize the good and tender feelings in our lives, the sooner we will pass through the acuteness of the negative and difficult ones. Maintaining our sobriety is key during this process. When we keep on drinking, we delay the thing we need to do to get through to the other side… through to peace-of-mind. That thing is feeling our feelings, all of them.

Remember to look for the positive… the joy, the wonder in a flower along the way, or a child growing and experiencing life. Set the intention to look with those eyes, and soon, it becomes something we naturally do. This took me years to learn to do in sobriety, as I got really hung up on myself and my pain. I wish I would have had this input; it would have saved a lot of heartache, or at least, would have given me a welcome reprieve from the pain of my difficult feelings periodically.

How about you? Do you make it a practice to notice the joy, the wonder around you? Or, are you mired in the difficult, the painful? If you are experiencing the latter all the time, I invite you to try looking with new eyes, and letting us know what that was like for you by leaving a comment. By looking with new eyes, the eyes of wonder, you will enhance your sobriety so much, and you will know your own value. Are you in?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Gracefully Accepting the Path of Sobriety

December 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I added “of sobriety,” and chose “gracefully accepting the path” to talk about today because it raises the point of the positive. Showing grace, knowing when it has descended upon you, is a positive, as I see it. Only in sobriety did I even know grace existed! It took several years for it to reach me, for me to know I was experiencing it.

Let me explain to you one moment of grace that I am experiencing as I type. It is the wee hours of the morning and I just popped awake, so got up and started writing on my website, changing it around, especially the description of my speaking and coaching services. And it is raining… spurts of fast, staccato drops, interspersed with slow, lazy ones.

I am not fond of the rain, especially when I am driving in it. Makes me nervous, especially because my wiper blades are the pits and I can barely see. You could even say I hate the rain, which is true. I hate being wet and cold… soggy. So, what am I going to do about it? I have a choice. I can bitch and moan about it to everyone when it rains, or I can accept that I don’t like it and then take action.

I choose to take action, and so I go to the auto parts store and buy a new pair of blades. Oh my gosh! What a difference. I have been missing out on this pure delight for months now. I really digressed here… The point is, the fact that I am able to accept the rain as a fact of nature, and move forward in a positive manner, I define as grace. The fact that I can smile at the rain, knowing the season will end, and so being pleasant about it, is called grace.

Here’s another example. My sobriety is because of the grace of God. You can call that higher being, or source, whatever you wish, and the point is, it was their grace that led to sobriety. It was a gift and I choose to graciously accept it as such.

Grace is what allows me to “flow” in the, with the, present moment. For example, I just got done taking a dozen eggs off the stove where I was making hard-boiled eggs. I was multi-tasking, I admit, writing the blog, as well as doing small things around the house. I actually got sidetracked because I went to fill up my coffee cup.

Anyway, grace allows me to flow from one activity to the next, just doing the next indicated thing that’s presented for me to do, and being okay with that. It’s like a dance, this flow, this going from one indicated thing to the next, and when we learn to join in the ballet, we experience grace.

How do you experience grace in your life? Is it similar for you to what I described? You’re invited to share your thoughts. Leave a comment and let us know.

I see I have deviated from the topic implied by the title, and the discussion is equally interesting and valuable, I trust. Perhaps tomorrow I will address Gracefully Accepting the Path of Sobriety.

p.s. I notice a lot of people are visiting my website each day, and that number has been consistent lately. I am thinking that many of you are repeat visitors, following my blog. That’s cool! I’m thinking that the blog is useful to you, or you wouldn’t return. If that’s the case, my heart fills with joy, for this is my hope, my passion.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acting with grace, grace, graceful, gracious, how to show grace, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Maintain Your Sobriety

November 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The search terms about sobriety always jump out at me, and this morning, I have chosen how to maintain your sobriety to which I would like to respond, as there are many actions you can take to maintain it.

First of all to maintain your sobriety, don’t drink, no matter what. No matter if you have experienced difficult emotions, experienced the death of a loved one, or loss of a job or marriage, don’t drink over the feelings that arise. Instead, talk to someone about your feelings. Remember, a pain or struggle shared is a pain or struggle divided and conquered.

You can also journal about your feelings that have arisen. I recommend journalling with your non-dominat hand, as all sorts of things will surface when you do this. You will get to relief more quickly if you journal with your non-dominant hand.

Secondly, to maintain your sobriety, join a support group of your choosing. This is paramount to your success. You see, when you are part of a group that you attend regularly, you have at your disposal a release for your emotions. You can talk at group meetings about any pain or struggles you are experiencing, and in doing so, you will find relief.

Thirdly, in sobriety, it is necessary to learn how to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself – your strengths and good points, and then your negative traits and behaviors. It is especially important to keep an eye on your negative or bad behavior and to apologize when you recognize that you have erred. By keeping on top of your bad behavior, it offers the chance to practice humility and compassion for yourself.

Fourth, make the choice to see the world around you with joy and wonder and gratitude. Adopt these attitudes and you will go through your life with more grace. You will be more able to maintain your sobriety.

Fifth, be of help to another. Being of service helps you to get out of yourself and your woes. It lessens the chance to fall prey to self-pity. You see, self-pity is a real killer of peace and happiness, a killer of sobriety.

There is a sixth thing I’d like to mention and that is to be responsible for yourself in all ways. That includes taking responsibility for your healing. Whether you were wronged or not, you need to grab ahold of the ring and learn how to get through and past your hurts and angers, your sadnesses and grief. Your job in life is to heal from the wounds you sustained while growing up. You see, we all experience wounds in our early years, and our job is to get to the bottom of those wounds, and to heal and grow from them.

When you do these things, you experience both physical and emotional sobriety. Isn’t that what you’re looking for? If it is, then you can create it.

How do you maintain your sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Opening the Gates of the Heart

November 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The creation of my nationally-acclaimed, award-winning book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, is evidence of God at work in my life, as He, through me, created a lovely book of photographs of wrought-iron gates and inspirational verses that is a pathway to peace, a daily meditation or reflection.

You see, I had no idea I was creating the book for the first several years of its existence. This is a story that is so profound, as I discovered the verses for the book, written in my journals before I even photographed and titled the gates! It was nine months after shooting the gates that I realized verses from my journals gave words to the images far beyond the visual element, words that flowed upon the page, that emanated from deep within me as I journaled with my left, non-dominant hand. These are the verses that comprise, verbatim, seventy-five percent of the verses in the book.

As I reflected upon these words, I realized that I want to extend an offer to you for the book, for the holidays. I am offering my book, personally signed for you, a friend, or a loved one, for $20.00, from now until December 24th. This cost includes shipping via media mail.

To get this offer, you need to circumvent the current price of $25.00 on the website by calling me directly to place your order. 415-883-8325. I will send you the book with an invoice and you can send me a check, or you can pay by credit card over the phone.

I want to offer this special because I want you or your loved one to experience the hope, joy, and peace that you will experience when you read Opening the Gates of the Heart. And, I offer this because I want to thank you for your loyalty in following my blog, my work. It is what I have to offer to you. Whether you are trying to get or stay sober, recovering as a child of a alcoholic parent, or a veteran looking for solace, you will find magic in the book’s pages.

To see if Opening the Gates of the Heart is a match for you or as a gift for that someone special in your life, check out the endorsements, under the “About” tab above. You can also see some of the book’s pages on “About the Book,” under the “About” tab above. The book is a tribute to the resiliency and beauty of the human spirit, and will bring you more calm, more peace, in your life.

Spend some time checking out the book and then call to order your copy or copies today. I look forward to being of service to you through my book.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace

Moving Past Resentments in Sobriety

November 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Moving past resentments in sobriety” and “I promise you a life of joy and wonderment” were the search phrases that jumped out at me this morning. They go hand-in-hand, one follows after the other. When you get past your resentments, there IS a world of joy and wonderment out there.

In recovery circles, it is a well-known fact that resentment is the number one reason people drink. Interestingly, the CDC cited that in 2011 in the US, there were 11.8 million substance abusers. Wow. Assume that most of them have resentments, and that’s a lot of resentment flying around out there!

I found it possible in sobriety to get past my resentment I had held tightly for 38 years. It was against my parents for things that happened while I was growing up. I was very angry and bitter, but didn’t show it. I kept it all inside, bottled up. But when I drank, it came out, often big-time. in the form of rage or huge despair and wailing with grief from my losses.

My life became one of victimhood, living life as the victim, and “poor me,” “you’d drink, too, if you suffered what I did.” I was consumed by self-pity. Before sobriety, while I was still drinking, I had no clue that there was a way out of this nightmare. I had no ability to see that I was creating my own misery through the fueling of my resentment against the folks.

I was creating my own misery by failing to take responsibility for my own feelings, to heal from the grief and hurt. That took some time in sobriety to discover that it was my responsibility to do so. And, I had a choice to continue being bitter or to work myself free of the chains that were binding me. Ahhhhh, a choice… Sobriety led me down the path to freedom when it helped me realize I always have a choice in everything I do. We all do. Yes, even you.

What I found after I worked through my resentments, has been great joy and wonder at the world around me… the physical world and all Her wonders, as well as the people in the world, and all of their wonders. I learned to have greater kindness and tolerance for others… great compassion. The more I practiced those things, the more wondrous things became in what the person revealed to me about themselves, what they shared with me, how they treated me. Closer bonds have been established. It has been true joy and wonderment.

So how can you get from your resentment to that joy and wonder about which I speak? It’s a process… a process of looking at your wounds and feelings, and identifying where that keeps you stuck in present day. It’s about using that process to look with new eyes at the resentment and the person whom you resent, until you are able to reach forgiveness.

This is a process I guide people through in my one-on-one coaching. If you want to experience joy and wonderment in your life, you may be interested in learning more. Go to “Coaching” under the “Services” tab. We can work on that resentment that is keeping you from joy and wonder, and you can experience more peace during this holiday season.

I was indignant about looking at my “stuff.” After all, I was justified! I WAS a victim. That’s a fact. But there came a time in sobriety when I realized I just couldn’t carry my bitterness any more. It was affecting my ability to get to true sobriety, emotional sobriety. What I discovered was forgiveness and that helped me to find joy and wonder, peace and freedom.

How about you? How do you work through your resentments in sobriety? Have you reached joy and wonderment in your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, resentful, resenting, resentment, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, wonder, wonderment

A Day of Gratitude

November 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Good morning,” she says while it is still barely morning… and Happy Thanksgiving, a day of gratitude. It’s almost noon and I haven’t gotten around to blogging yet. Yikes! Today, let’s talk again about gratitude, seeing as this is the day of Thanksgiving. I’d like to share with you the things for which I am grateful.

First, my home. After having lived in a van for three years and often not knowing where I was going to park for the night, worried all the time about the police coming in the middle of the night, I am so grateful to have my own house. I am grateful for the way I have it decorated, for it feeds my soul.

I have much gratitude for my kitty, Izzy, for letting me pet her often. You see, she is a feral and is shy of me, even after seven or eight years. She will not allow me to hold her, nor does she come onto my lap, but she walks in front of me all the time for pets. I feel so grateful to be shown her affection and for me to have a being on whom I can bestow my overflowing affection.

My sobriety is a source of gratitude, hugely, if that is a word. Without my sobriety, I would be dead, most likely. And, if not, then I’d be out on the streets. I show gratitude every day for waking up without a hang-over, clear-headed… That gratitude stretches to the healing that has occurred in the past twelve years. Much of that occurred after the fifth and sixth years, and I am so grateful for that. I would like to express gratitude over the forgiveness I discovered, which has led me to great peace and freedom.

I have gratitude for my 91 Honda wagon with the purple interior and faded paint on the hood and roof, for it is a great car, still going strong with 190,000+ on it. It suits me so well and has lots of room to cart my books around, in addition to everything I need when I do a speaking gig.

I am grateful for my family and friends, that they have stuck by me through thick and thin. Again, I have so much gratitude for the forgiveness I accidentally discovered, and have been able to forgive my parents. That has set me free.

There are many more things for which I have gratitude… my clarity, my health, the ability to walk and talk, to reason, to feel my emotions, to feel both joy and disappointment, and more.

And how about you? For what do you have gratitude? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: grateful, gratitude, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Purpose of Resentments

November 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning! I hope today is a pleasant day for you. I was affected by three search terms this morning: why is it important to respect rights of others, what purpose do resentments serve, and how does compassion help. Wow. Three very important issue and I’d like to address all three today.

Let’s start with why is it important to respect rights of others? In a nutshell, my response to that question is because it is the considerate, kind, and appropriate way to treat others. We each, in my opinion, have the right as people to be treated as if we matter, to have our rights as people treated with respect, to be respected for who and what we are. That is, unless we are harming others, and that I don’t respect.

But consider this, if we want our rights respected, we need to offer it to others first. Then it will come back to us. When we respect another’s rights, they thrive and grow, becoming all they can be. For example, my rights to have a safe and happy home, to be treated as a valuable being, were not respected while I was growing up. As a result, as an adult I had great difficulty being myself, let alone growing into my greatness. It was only after learning to respect myself that I overcame that early treatment and have been able to grow.

The rights we each have, in my opinion, are to be treated as valuable human beings, worthy of consideration and kindness. We have the right to be in safe environments, rather than ones in which physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional abuse are present. Consider that you want your rights to be respected and, therefore, you need to respect another’s rights for that respect to be returned to you.

Let’s look now at the purpose of resentments. In my case, my resentments served the purpose of keeping me a very closed and self-centered person, seeking attention in the form of pity. My resentments gave me something to spend my energy on. It gave me the free license to be critical and demeaning toward others.

Perhaps the most important role that resentments play for us is allowing us to avoid being responsible and accountable for ourselves. We place the blame for our woes or failures on another and that takes the attention and the heat off of us. After all, it is difficult to look at and own our own behavior, especially when it is poor behavior. This is the only benefit to keeping resentments and, in my experience, when cleared of them, I experienced great freedom and peace.

How does compassion help? Well, for me, compassion was the precursor to forgiveness. Compassion softens everything, allows us to see others as humans – fallible. Often, we can see our own behavior being played out by another, and that leads to compassion not only for the other, but for ourselves as well. Yes, compassion is a softening emotion, easily practiced when we look at our own foibles and bad behavior.

How does compassion help you? And do resentments serve a purpose for you? How about respecting the rights of others… what do you see as another’s rights? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassion for others, compassion for ourselves, resentment, resentments, respect, respect the rights of others, rights of others

Willingness is the Key to Sobriety

November 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I see that I forgot to write yesterday and I apologize to those of you who visited and found no new post. I think from now on, I will take Sundays off from blogging…

Today, the search term that caught my attention was “willingness is the key.” I wanted to write about this because it IS the key to sobriety and to so much more. Willingness is the thing that can bring so much into your life, when you practice it.

Webster defines willingness as the noun of willing, which is to act readily, cheerfully, and gladly. Notice it is to “act,” so willingness takes action on your part. I have found that to be willing, I have to approach situations with a new look, with new eyes. I have to let go of my idea of how things need to go, for example, take action and see what evolves as a result.

Willingness involves being open to what can happen in your life – open to change, open to new ways of doing things. It is a softening of your resistance so you can accept in the new. In the case of sobriety, it is being open to try it, to do it, to commit to it. If you are having trouble being willing, ask the Universe for the willingness to be willing to have willingness.

Once you show just a little willingness, the door opens wide and the ability to be willing comes flowing in to you. It is not just a softening of your resistance; it is also an excitement of anticipation of what can happen. In the case of sobriety, willingness will make or break your efforts.

First, you have to be willing to even get sober, to try sobriety. That involves acting readily to let go of alcohol as your friend and companion. Next, you will need to have the willingness to approach what you find in sobriety with an open mind – open to new ideas, new ways of doing things. It means getting rid of your contempt prior to investigation. The act of willingness allows you to look with excitement at what you are doing.

Along the way, you will need the willingness to feel your feelings without numbing them out with substances or activity, just being with them. If you show the willingness for this, the Universe will help you through your feelings. You will need the willingness to take others’ suggestions, even when you don’t want to. You may need to be willing to seek professional help, for example, to get through emotions related to the past.

Yes, willingness is truly the key to getting sober and staying sober. It is the key to open the doors in so many areas of your life. How do you practice willingness? Does it come easily to you, or do you struggle with it? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being willing, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness, willingness is the key

How to Overcome Fear

November 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is dark and early at 4:38 am PST, and I see that fear was searched for three times yesterday, so let’s talk about that.

Fear can be positive or negative. For example, it is positive when it warns us of danger. We can jump right into the survival mode, the fight or flight state-of-being. But what about when it’s negative?

Negative fear includes such things as fear that you are less than, not good enough, fear that you’ll look stupid… things like that. When you go to this place, you are in a contracted, pulled in state, versus being free of fear which allows you to be open and expansive.

To identify fear, look behind your anger. It often hides there. When we are angry, usually there is fear of something attached to that anger, as is there hurt. Hurt and fear.

When you identify you are in fear, there are three things you can do to get through it to another mindset:

Once you identify the fear you are in, breathe, ask for help, and take action.
Now acknowledge you are in that fear state, stare it in the face. It will dissipate.
Choose to leave the fear state or stay in it.

Fear is an acronym standing for False Evidence Appearing Real. We take non-facts, figments and worries of our imagination, and we run with them, expound upon them until we think they are real. It is often based on something that didn’t or won’t happen. Keep an eye out for this and stop yourself when you catch yourself going to this place.

Perhaps the biggest antidote for fear is to take action, to choose to leave the fear state and take action despite the fear. That action might be small, such as contacting someone we have been putting off contacting, or huge to us, like approaching someone to be a joint venture partner. The thing is, you need to identify it and take action despite your fear. Go through the steps above, and you will find yourself moving forward through and past the fear.

What are some of the things you fear that you cannot seem to get past? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: fear, fearful, how do I get past fear

Overcome Despair with Sobriety

November 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I haven’t done the rest of my grief work yet, so do not have the rest of the process to report on this morning. I will have it tomorrow. Meanwhile, let’s talk about the benefits of sobriety, for with sobriety, it is possible to overcome despair and feelings of worthlessness.

When I was in my drinking days, it was easy to keep being in despair and worthlessness because the drink fueled those feelings, kept me in self-pity and blaming others. Then when I started in sobriety, the fuel for that fire was gone. Suddenly, I had to look at the actual feelings behind my despair, my worthlessness. I had to feel the hurt at a very deep level. I had to be responsible for my own feelings… and it was difficult.

Yet, by keeping my sobriety intact, I was able to ease my way through the feelings. My sobriety allowed me to discover a place inside where I wanted to give to others. And when I wanted to give to others, I found my purpose in life. When I found my purpose in life, the despair left me. It was only by staying sober that I became able to get outside of myself and really care about another, really care about being of service to them. It’s actually a glorious place to be.

But if you are in despair or feeling worthless, you cannot imagine that place, I know. At least, I never would have been able to imagine that place. Trust me when I say that it may be obtained. It is possible. So, let me tell you how I got there and maybe you, then, can get there yourself.

My despair dissipated when I told my story to someone and it was useful to him. Recognizing that, I came to the realization that by telling my story and how I recovered from a horrible upbringing, horrible anger and bitterness, horrible grief, it might be useful to others so that they, too, could get through and past their horrible experiences, their resentments, their despair.

It took being in a state of sobriety, where I was “clear” enough to recognize this. It took being in sobriety to be able to get beyond myself so I could consider another, could be of service. I did this by being willing to be open to what came to me, by being willing to maintain and practice my sobriety.

How about you? How can you take what you have learned in sobriety and be useful to another with that information? How can you be of service from that deep place of knowingness that we discussed yesterday… that place of great worthiness. All you have to be is two steps ahead of the person to whom you are being of service.

Move forward in your day with awareness. Be conscious of the ways in which you can be of service to another. Look for how your story, your experiences and the healing you’ve done-to-date could be useful to another. Remember… you only need to be two steps ahead. Then make the decision to be of service, to be of use and take action. May you discover your purpose as a result of this process, and may you replace your despair with hope, with feelings of goodness.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despairing, how to get past despair, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Practicing Honesty in Sobriety

November 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today we’re going to talk about what it means to have honesty in sobriety, or to be honest any time, for that matter. When you thought of honesty, your thoughts went to stealing or telling lies, right? If you don’t steal and lie, you are honest, right? Possibly. Possibly not.

It depends. Are you practicing honesty in your sobriety about your feelings and about who you are? It is easy, even in sobriety, to not be honest, to not tell the truth about your feelings, to not speak up for yourself when needed. Honesty means owning your bad behavior… identifying and taking responsibility for it by apologizing if you hurt someone.

How can you know if you are being honest? Well, you can ask yourself these questions… “When I am feeling badly, do I say that, or do I say, in a huff, ‘I’m fine?’” If you say you’re fine when you’re not, you are not practicing honesty in sobriety because you are not saying what is true for you in that moment.

You can ask, “When I have intentionally, or even unintentionally, hurt someone else, am I apologizing for what I said or did… am I taking responsibility for my bad or hurtful behavior?” If you apologize in these situations, then you are showing honesty in sobriety because you are sharing your feelings of remorse, you are being honest about what you are feeling in the moment.

Honesty in sobriety is all about unveiling who you are at your core. It is about who and what you are in each moment. For example, I spent the majority of my life being dishonest. Oh, I didn’t cheat and only told a few lies here and there to protect others, but I considered myself honest. Then, I had to look differently when I got sober and I re-assessed my honesty in sobriety.

I discovered many things. First, when I was hurting or hurt, I did not relay that to the other person, thinking I it was better not to hurt the other person or to bother them. The thing is, the energy behind that deception came out in other ways, usually by being a bit standoffish in my approach to them, or making snide comments to them. Being passively aggressive. Whoa! It’s embarrassing to admit that, but it was true.

The fact is, I was not relaying my true feelings because of fear. I was afraid that if I displayed honesty in sobriety, then the person would get mad at me and harm me in some way because of that anger. Now, I find myself learning to tell others how I am feeling in the moment, and I say it especially gently if I think it will be difficult for the other person to hear.

That’s just one example of how to practice honesty in sobriety. I could go on, yet I’m sure you get the gist and my point. In case I didn’t make my point, it is that you can be ever-aware of your feelings and relay them to others when they occur. First, however, you need look at what is behind those feelings. If what you discover is something that will not harm the other to divulge, then be honest with them about what you are feelings.

If. on the other hand, you discover a personal problem or issue, then you will not want to tell the person your feelings. For example, someone said something that hurts your feelings and you, upon reflection, realize your old wound of feeling “less than” was triggered. You can consider that the hurtful comment was not said to harm you, and you were sensitive it to it because of your wound; you can consider not saying anything. You can also consider saying to them that an old wound was touched when they said what they said, and that you are having difficulty dealing with it.

By divulging that much about yourself, you open the way to share your honesty in sobriety, to share who you are at a deep level, and you further the relationship’s deepening with your action. That is practicing honesty in sobriety at its deepest level.

How do you display your honesty in sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being honest, honesty, honesty in sobriety, how to be honest, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Judging Others

November 5, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Why do others judge me so harshly” is the search term that stuck out for me this morning. Most likely, it’s because I have spent a great deal of my life being judged harshly by another… I won’t say who, but you may be able to figure it out as we go along. Ay any rate, I have a sense of why people judge others so harshly because I know how I’m feeling when I am judging others.

Are you guilty of judging others harshly? If so, what are you thinking and feeling when you do? For me, I am thinking harshly of another when I am feeling the most insecure about myself. I would do well to fetch myself up when I start judging others and think about how I am feeling that led me to be so critical.

I hold others to my standards. The down side of that is that my standards are high and unachievable by some. Sometimes, they are even unachievable by me. They are unrealistic and at times, often, they are my parents’ standards. Boy, will I ever be free from the influence they had over me while growing up? I keep working on that, weeding out what is my belief, what is theirs.

I find I am judging others when I am feeling less than, insecure, and down on myself. Perhaps, that is true for others, too. So, when someone is judging you harshly, consider they are really reflecting their negative thoughts about themselves. That might make it a little easier to bear…

The other option, of course, is that they feel superior and will try and hold you to their standards. The trouble with that is, like I said, they are usually too high and unachievable.

I find that people are so busy paying attention to others, judging others, that they forget to pay attention to themselves and how they are in the world. Hmmm. Now, there’s an interesting thing for them to do with their time… to be aware of themselves in the world. Aware of their behavior, aware of how they treat others and themselves. Think of the harmony that would exist if that were the case…

The difficulty is, of course, that we can do nothing to change or guide the behavior of another. What our job really needs to be is watching ourselves… our behavior, how we treat others and ourselves. Sometimes, even treating others the way we what to be treated is not enough because we are not interested in treating ourselves very well. Aa a result, the “do onto others…” practice would not fare well.

At any rate, I find that since I have become sober, I am much less judgmental of others. From my participation in sobriety, I have gained the ability to hear what a person has to say, to bring up kind, loving thoughts about them in my head, rather than criticizing them for how they might look, for example.

I used to have this thing about tattoos and people with them. (Sorry if that’s you…) I frowned on them and the people with them. Then one day, I heard a highly tattooed guy share the most profoundly beautiful words and concept. My frown flew out the window, as I realized how my judging others almost kept me from hearing what this man was saying, and I would have missed out on a beautiful opportunity to grow, to see another human being in great depth.

Of course, judging others leads right to comparison. We compare one to another and find fault with “another,” demanding that “another” be more like “one.” In that process, we squash the spirit of “another,” and totally miss the beauty they have to offer the world, to offer you.

I will write more about comparing one to another tomorrow. To close, I would like to share two images from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing and the corresponding verses that go with them. They relate to judging others, and comparisons.

Practice of Tolerance

“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in them.

And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.”

Cultivation of Differences

“We ask, require, demand, that others around us be like us, share our attributes, our beliefs. And in so doing, we compare… one to another. In that process, do we not squash the spirit of the one who is different from us – one whose thoughts and dreams and talents lie in a different place?

We are like the gates. Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grown in another. On one, there is rust or corrosion or patina, while on the other is mellowed brass.

One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… if we will only see.”

Have a day filled with lovely thoughts.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: judging others, judgment of others, judgment of self, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Compassion – the Forerunner to Forgiveness

November 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I spoke about forgiveness and said that to get to forgiveness, one needs to feel and show compassion for the one who has wronged you. Compassion is sorrow for the sufferings of another, often accompanied with the urge to help. You can feel deep sympathy and tenderness for the other, but you might not want to help them, and that’s okay. You can still feel compassion.

I discovered how compassion can lead to forgiveness quite by accident. One day, after about 2 years sober, I was doing my second or third self-appraisal, in essence a performance evaluation. I was considering the few relationships I had had with men, and what I did to lead to their demise. One of the things I identified was the way in which I would get drunk and scream at these men how worthless they were, that they would amount to nothing.

I was appalled when I remembered this! I was responsible for the ravaging of their soul and it was a bitter pill to swallow. I felt compassion for them for having to endure what I inflicted. I also felt compassion for myself because I actually said those words to them, but I meant them about me; I felt worthless and that I wasn’t amounting to anything. I felt compassion for the wounded soul I was.

One day soon after this realization, the thought hit me that my father might have actually said those words to me repeatedly because he felt them about himself. After all, that had been the case for me, why not him also? I began to realize he endured his own wounds at the hands of his father. Suddenly, the door was opened a crack to compassion for him, another wounded soul.

With the door opened a little bit, I kept returning to that feeling of compassion and soon, after about another two years, I had found my way to forgiveness for both of my parents for the treatment I received while I was growing up. The feeling of peace that washed over me was tremendous. Years of pain and misery melted from me. The key to my forgiveness was the compassion I felt for my father as a wounded person himself.

You, too, can look with compassion at the one who wronged you. The chances that they received their own wounds is high. Think of them as you would think about any wounded person, feeling sorrow and sympathy for them. When you extend compassion to them, you will experience forgiveness, and this will lead to more peace.

Overcoming Hopelessness

October 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

There were three search terms about hopelessness yesterday, so I want to address it. Hopelessness is the feeling one has that things cannot and will not get better. It is a feeling that you are at the end of your rope, cannot go on. It’s a miserable and difficult place to be.

I was about 5-6 years sober when hopelessness hit me full-force. Nothing I did mattered. I had no energy or “spark” to try anything new to get past the hopeless feeling. I just wanted to die and I prayed to God to let that happen.

Well, I continued to live until one day, I had the good fortune to discover my purpose in life, which gave me a reason to live, and that gave me hope. My purpose involves being of service to others. There is something grounding about being of service to others, something that makes your actions so much more meaningful than if you are doing something just for yourself.

I had been despairing and hopeless about the years of abuse I had endured; I believed there was no purpose to that experience. Then, I was shown that there was a purpose to that experience, and it was that I was to share with others how I healed from the effects of the abuse so that others might be helped past their pain and wounds.

With a purpose, my hopelessness was silenced and I came out of despair. All my actions had as my purpose to be of service to others. This further silenced my hopelessness.

You, too, can find hope when you discover your life’s purpose, your purpose right now. It may be to nurture your children or husband, or to share your story with others so that they might grow and heal. As you go through the day, stay aware of what is going on around you and notice when you feel “at home” with an activity or feeling.

Notice what you are doing when that feeling of being complete and whole comes over you. Perhaps, this is your calling… doing in the world the activity that brings you calm and peace. Once you have identified the thing that gives you great pleasure, keep engaging in it. If it is helping others through sharing your experiences and triumphs, then keep sharing.

To overcome hopelessness, uncover your purpose in life and engage in it. It will fulfill you, and you will get past the hopelessness.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: hopeless, hopelessness, how to find peace, inner peace, motivational words to the hopeless, peace

Rewards of Sobriety

October 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Rewards of sobriety” is the search term I’d like to blog about today. I chose this term because there are so many rewards to sobriety which I would like to share with you in the hopes that you find it compelling enough to try sobriety.

I adore my sobriety. Right off the bat, I reveled in the lack of hangovers. You see, for the last seven years of my drinking, I drank myself into oblivion every night, and awakened with a horrific hangover every day. Every day for seven years I had trouble dragging my hurting head and sick stomach out of bed, so I would lie in bed watching movies on TVtill about noon. Then up I’d get and go to either Taco Bell or KFC for hot or greasy food to burn out or soak up the hangover.

It worked and I began to be able to function, even though still with a headache. I was extremely productive in those ensuing four or five hours until 5:00 pm, when I would start drinking all over again. A miserable existence, absolutely miserable…

I was always angry in an underlying sort-of-way. If I wasn’t grumbling about my dislike of something, how it wasn’t what I wanted or wasn’t good enough, then I was displaying full-blown tantrums, taking my anger out on others, usually my husband. I took it out on myself and it showed up as depression.

When you choose sobriety, you choose to awaken each day, awake and fully present and excited to greet the world, and greet it you will. You will delight in feeling physically fine, and especially get off on the clear-headedness you experience. Your attitude is one of gratitude, not anger, so your relationships with others are improved.

Then there’s the driving issue. Drunk, and even still while hung over, you are not all there to drive. In fact, you are dangerous to other drivers out there. I know, I know. You tell me you are just fine behind the wheel, a better driver drunk than sober. If you think about that for a minute while you are sober, you will hopefully see the falsehood in that belief.

When you choose sobriety, you can drive anywhere at any hour of the day and not have to worry about being pulled over for a DUI. You are TRULY a better driver, alert to what the other cars are doing around you, alert to where you are on the road in relation to them. Your reactions are quicker. But the best part of this reward is that you can drive at any time and feel safe behind the wheel.

Another reward of sobriety is the acute awareness you have for the world around you… the plants and vegetation, the architecture, other people. It is possible to focus-in intently on those things, and because you are able to do this, you will experience awe and wonder. These are pretty exciting to feel, especially for the first time and especially when you realize what is causing that feeling of goodness. It’s hard to look around you in the world and not be inspired, awed. So this is clearly another reward of sobriety.

Perhaps the biggest reward is your ability to see how your actions and behaviors have affected yourself and others. You begin to be able to see how you started a fight, for example, or are keeping a resentment going that was your doing in the first place. You also begin to be able to apologize to others for your harmful behaviors, your hurtful words. This reward will help your relationships to soar, as you discover a softer, more approachable side of others and yourself. You will be able to go down the road of forgiveness, both of others and of yourself. There are huge rewards and you will relish them once you learn how to practice them.

Ah, there is one bigger reward of sonority, and that is the ability to reach peace-of-mind and to live in grace and gratitude. This you will not want to miss…

What are the rewards of sobriety that you seek? Have I addressed them above? Leave a message and tell us what the rewards are for which you search.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Overcoming Feelings of Worthlessness

October 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. Please forgive my silence for the past three days. The days got away from me while planning and preparing for my workshop that is today. I hope you have enjoyed looking at the images and reading the verses… There were three searches for worthlessness yesterday, and I will address that today.

How did you learn or come to believe that you are worthless? In my case, I was told I was worthless and would never amount to anything every other day or so while growing up, and I got to adulthood feeling a great deal of worthlessness. It has been a lifetime of trying to overcome that, and on most days, I am successful.

How about you? You must be stuck in the feeling of worthlessness if you are searching for that term. Webster defines worthless as without value or merit. It is pretty devastating to believe you have no value, no merit. And the thing is, it is false. The truth is, you ARE worthy, you are of value and merit, simply because you are a human being alive on this earth, with experiences and wisdom to share with others.

Worth is further defined as that quality of a person that lends importance, value, merit, etc., and that is measurable by the esteem in which the person is held. Worth implies an intrinsic excellence; intrinsic means located within, not dependent on external circumstances. Worth is inherent… which means existing in someone as a natural and inseparable quality or characteristic. It is inborn.

So you see, just by definition, you are valuable and of worth, and can begin to shake off your feelings of worthlessness. Yet, it still needs to resonate with your heart that you are valuable, worthwhile. And therein lies the difficulty. Until you feel in your heart that you are worthy, that you have merit, then life is difficult and you are left feeling worthless.

What I have to offer as wisdom is what has worked for me to dispel, to hold off, my feelings of worthlessness. It is something I do in present day when I have feelings of worthlessness. The first thing to do is to practice being aware of when you are feeling worthless. For example, when I believe I have failed at something, the feeling of worthlessness accompanies that feeling of failure.

The problem could be that you don’t know when you are experiencing worthlessness. For me, I know I can slip to that space of worthlessness when I am feeling defeated, feeling that I goofed somehow, that I blew it. My thoughts don’t stop with those thoughts; instead, they continue twirling downward until I have decided that I have no value as a person, that what I offer is not wanted by others, that I suck as a person.

It is at that point that I need to stop and realize I have gone to that space. Actually, I need to catch myself before I get to that place. To do that, I recognize that my trigger to feeling worthless is a feeling that I blew it. When I feel that, I start talking to myself, building myself up, telling myself I am still a good and valuable person, telling myself I have experiences worthy of being shared with others.

So, I consciously go into the “build myself up” mode. That helps to hold off the feelings of worthlessness. Then I try to write about my feelings of failure, getting at what is behind them, and always, always, building myself and my abilities, my inherent values, up, always touting them. I don’t do it to brag or to admire myself. Rather, I do it to keep myself from sliding down the worthlessness hole. It works to keep me from going there.

You, too, can start monitoring your thoughts, starting with being conscious and aware of what triggers you to go to that space of worthlessness. Think of it as an adventure to solve the problem, to find the trigger(s). Once you do, stay aware of your behavior and your internal thoughts and feelings. When you reach your trigger point, start talking positive to yourself in an effort to prevent a slip into worthlessness. When you have tried this, leave a comment and let us know how that worked for you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: feeling unworthy, I feel worthless, not worthy, unworthy, worthless, worthlessness

Quotes on Life with Images

October 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

This, “quotes on life with images,” was a search term that found my website this morning. I recall using that as a keyword phrase, perhaps… What I what to really focus on is the term, because what I have to offer you today is quotes on life with images. They are taken from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Visions of Gratitude

When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate,

everything around and within me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.

Moments of Wonder

Do you suppose there has always been such richness, such beauty in the world?

Perhaps it has been there all along,

waiting to be noticed, to be seen, with the eyes of the heart.

Invitation of Dialogue

If we as individuals cannot speak to each other,

how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?

Warmth of Humility

Rather than take on everyone else’s dreams, desires, and expectations,

can I not look humbly at what has been placed before me?

Openness of Heart

We will grow through the barriers of our heart and

be able to fully experience the richness of life.

Promise of Peace

When I practice the principles of love for myself and others,

the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk,

and peace rises to greet me.

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where

I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Burst of Joy

My heart bursts with joy!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being grateful, being humble, gratitude, how to find peace, humble, humility, inner peace, joy, peace, peace between nations, Quotes on Life with Images, serenity

More About Resentments – Living Free From Them

October 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Eeeergh! I just wrote a wonderful blog about resentments, but posted it into a new page, rather than a new post. I had to go in and copy the post from the page, and I did that, but forgot to save the new post before I went back to copy the title of the blog. In the process, I lost the post! The worst part is, I cannot remember what I said… again, eeeeergh!

Well, here I sit, trying to recollect what I did say…. and I am drawing a blank. So, I will start over. Speaking of resentments, I have one against myself, and that is, I resent myself for my loss of memory, my inability to remember from one minute to the next.

I could rail against myself, really get into the resentment and feel sorry for myself, but that leads to that slow churning gut I referred to yesterday, and I choose not to live like that today. I think about a seminar I attended a month ago, in which I learned that my years of drinking and drugging eroded my hippocampus, the center of the brain responsible for memory. So, I can now work on forgiving myself for all the years of substance abuse. I can make a joke about my memory loss, understanding that it just is what is; and I can accept it and move forward, despite the limitations it poses for me.

Speaking of substance abuse, I recall a portion of my post from earlier today. Do you know the CDC cited 11.8 million substance abusers in the US in 2011? That’s mind-numbing! It is a well-known and documented fact that resentments are the number one reason people drink. Therefore, it is startling to realize that for there are close to 1.8 million people who live with resentments on an on-going basis.

Boy, there are a lot of resentments flying around! My major one, the one I harbored and nursed with drugs and booze, the one that lasted 38 years, was against my parents for my upbringing. About six years into sobriety, I got into a deep despair over the futility of my life and the events that occurred as a child. I saw no purpose to it, to me or my life.

Then I had the opportunity to help a man who was in acute emotional pain. I talked with him after his share at a meeting and relayed resources I had discovered along my path that were helpful in my healing from childhood issues. He was so grateful, his eyes filled with tears. I was deeply touched, and I realized my past had been of use to someone else. There WAS purpose to my upbringing, I had purpose!

Since that day, I have had no difficulty with despair, and have continued along what I believe my path to be, which is to share my story in the hopes that it will be of use to another. If we can use the knowledge of our painful experiences for the purpose of helping another, it helps to diminish our resentments.

For example, you Vietnam vets can work with newly-returning vets and give them a proper welcome home, a thank you for their service. This you can do to make use of what you endured. Suddenly, you can see why you endured what you did… to be useful to another. You know how hurtful it was to be received so poorly, to not get a welcome home, that you do not want others to have to experience that. And that is how your experience can be of service to others. I understand one of the Vietnam Veterans of America’s purposes and activities involves working with new vets to welcome them home. Ah, such a beautiful way to turn around your pain, your resentment.

When we put to use our resentments by turning them around and doing good for another to so they can avoid what we suffered, it helps to dispel them. What a wonderful thing to be able to do! It is incredibly freeing and it leads to peace.

How are you using your resentments to good use? How are you helping another to avoid what you suffered? Leave a comment and let us hear how you are doing that.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, resentment, resentments, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Are Resentments and What Can You Do About Them?

October 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today let’s talk about resentments… grudges, anger toward another. Webster defines resentments as feelings of hurt or indignation from a sense of being injured or offended.

When feeling resentments, one is overcome by bitterness and anger. It’s a slow burn in the gut. Much emotional energy goes toward justifying one’s resentments, leaving a feeling of incompleteness. There seems to always be a feeling that you are right and justified in feeling your resentments, but that does not provide relief from them.

If you experience resentments, you know what I am talking about when I say they produce a slow burn in the gut. You relive that anger again and again, over and over. Many people drink over their resentments. In fact, it is a well-known and documented fact that resentments are the number one reason people drink.

So, how does one get past them?

First, there has to be a feeling that you want to resolve your resentments. You are tired of that slow burn and the emotional havoc they play. To resolve a resentment after deciding you want to resolve it, you can follow the steps below.

Humbly look at the situation and determine if you did something to provoke another. Did you say something or do something to hurt another? If so, look at whether the other person responded in an expected manner in response to your actions or words. If this is the case, own your behavior. Recognize that you were in the wrong and give up the resentment. Apologize if that is indicated to set a situation right.

If you did not contribute negatively to a situation and can still say you were wronged, feel that wound, feel how devastating the event was. Grieve the loss from it… loss of trust, loss of safety. For example, the Vietnam vets who were wronged by the American people when they returned home need to consider how they lost their trust in the public. To come to resolution of their resentments, they need to grieve that hurt, that loss.

Now consider looking 180 degrees, with new eyes. Choose a life of peace rather than one filled with resentments and bitterness. To do that, hold yourself in compassion for being a wounded person. Before going on to the next step, allow yourself to feel that compassion for as long as you need. Try not to cross the line from compassion to self-pity. Compassion is open and expansive, while self-pity is closed and contracted.

Finally, consider that the other person was, in fact, wounded themselves and was demonstrating the humanness of a person in emotional pain. Offer them compassion for their pain. Keep repeating this process of looking at this person with new eyes until the resentment begins to lessen.

In the case of the Vietnam vets, consider that the American public was terrified, looking for something or someone to blame to lessen their frustration about what was happening at the time. In their ignorance and lack of ability to place blame in the right place, they unfairly took it out on the vets as they returned home. It is possible, even though that experience was horrible and highly uncalled for, to get past those resentments against the American people.

When you deal with your resentments in the above manner, you will find a freedom that is most rewarding. Your relationships will be more satisfying, and you will experience more peace-of-mind.

What has you trying to cope with resentments? Can you define one of your resentments? Follow through with the process above and see if that helps to lessen your resentments. If you notice a lessening of your resentments, leave a comment telling us of your success to resolve them.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: forgiveness, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, resentment, resentments, what are resentments

We All Look For Acknowledgment From Others

October 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I’m back after a whirlwind weekend. I had planned to blog yesterday, and I found I needed the day to debrief. Thank you for your understanding and your patience…

It was a lovely weekend, and still, I am left with incomplete, sad feelings about things which occurred… and in this case, didn’t occur. I found it difficult that I received no acknowledgment for what I am doing in my life. In conversations with people, we talked about them, and then, there was little interest in what is happening with me.

Hmmm, I have this thought and wonder if I am being self-centered by wanting acknowledgment. Then I think of the fact that we all wish to be acknowledged, and there is nothing wrong in that. It is a basic human desire, and perhaps even a need. My belief is that most of the time when we are upset or down or joyous, we just want to be heard about those things… we want acknowledgment.

As I consider that I am a little upset that I didn’t receive acknowledgment, I recognize that I need to be responsible for my own feelings instead of blaming them on the people who didn’t show me acknowledgment. So I accept responsibility for myself by doing a self-appraisal.

In that, I recognize that I might be seeking approval because I am feeling “less than” or/and that I am looking for approval. Ahhh. Perhaps the crux of the issue. I may have been seeking acknowledgment because I needed to build myself up,

Wow. Looked at in this light, my heart softens toward the others who did not show an interest in me and my activities. You see, I was beginning to resent them for their lack of caring about me, about what I’m doing. With a softened heart, the fact that I did not receive acknowledgment has less sting, less resentment attached to it.

This is how it works for me when I take responsibility for my feelings. I start by being pissed, hurt, slighted, and I end up with an open and softened heart. All by showing myself acknowledgment by examining my feelings, my motives. I am reminded that the weekend was not about me… and I can get out of myself.

Yes, it would have been nice to have conversations with acknowledgment about what I’m doing in my world, and there was not really the time or opportunity, as we were into what was happening right in front of us. We were involved in the task at hand… marrying Brian and Amy. I am reminded that I need work on my confidence level in regard to the path I have chosen to follow, to pursue.

As I look back upon the weekend, when I am honest, I must humbly admit that there were snippets of time in which people were showing me acknowledgment… I just wanted more. I needed more reassurance that I am okay the way I am. But that is an inside job,a nd I see I have more work to do in this area.

It is always a matter of learning to pay ourselves acknowledgment… of giving ourselves what we seek from others. In that act, we become complete, whole, and more at peace.

What do you need and want acknowledgment for in your life? Your accomplishments and successes, your plans and aspirations? Are you seeking acknowledgment, or are you taking responsibility for your own feelings? Leave a comment and let me know how you are being responsible for your own feelings rather than blaming them on others.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: acknowledge others, acknowledgment, acknowledgment from others, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Combatting Worthlessness and Feelings You Have No Value

October 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was taken aback by a search term… “I have no value.” My heart went out to the person who wrote this, in a state of worthlessness. Oh, it would be easy for me to say, yes, you do have value! But unless you believe that in your heart and soul about yourself, it is to no avail. I wish for you who believe you have no value, a turn-around in beliefs about yourself…

Two other search terms had to do with hopelessness. So, I want to write about feeling no value, and the worthlessness and hopelessness that those feelings generate.

I spent the majority of my life feeling I had no value, in a state of worthlessness. As a result, I felt a great deal of hopelessness A large part had to do with the fact that I was told by a parent every day that I was worthless… well, maybe every-other-day. The effect it had on me has been lasting, and I continue to struggle with it, even today… somedays.

My solution to stop the horror I felt over my worthlessness, having no value, was to drink… heavily… I started at age 22 and continued until age 48, at which time I got sober. Sobriety has been with me for close to twelve years and it has changed the way I see myself. Today, I see my value, my worth. It was a struggle to get to that point, so I understand you may be going through the same thing now. Take a deep breath…

When you are feeling worthless and of no value in the world, each day is an extreme effort… an effort to get up, to get dressed and to eat. Each activity becomes a dreaded chore. It is a challenge to live each day. There is no point in living, existing in this space of worthlessness and no value. If you are like I was, you are afraid to commit suicide and so you are praying to God to let you die. Deep breath….

What changed that around for me in about the fifth or sixth year of sobriety was finding my purpose in life. I had the opportunity to help someone out who was suffering emotionally. I did that by sharing my own story and how I had healed partially from my difficulties. The information I gave to the man was useful for him and he was grateful, so much so he almost started crying.

From that experience, I felt I had something to offer someone and I felt grand about being able to help him out… I felt a purpose by telling my story of physical, verbal, and emotional trauma early in life, and how I healed from the effects of it, how my sobriety helped that endeavor. You see, people are interested in you and your story when it involves something they can use in their life to make themselves feel better.

If you think about another… their difficulties, their struggles… and truly reach out to help, maybe by sharing what you have been through and how you came out the other side, you feel better about yourself and you begin to realize your value, for you and your story are of use to others and that gives you value. Just by being a human on the earth, you have value. Your lessons learned are of value to others. Take a deep breath…

To get out of myself, I had to first have a sense of who I was, what I felt about myself, so I identified my feelings of despair, anger, hurt and decided I wanted something different in my life or I WOULD die! So I looked at all the good things I had done with and in my life, and there were many that I’d kind of brushed aside, so I stopped and really considered them.

Like, I was a nurse and provided genuine, caring services to my patients for 22 years. No, I did not do direct patient care much of that time, and yes, I had an impact on the quality of people’s lives. I identified and felt my caring and compassionate nature and I gave myself credit for those things. I began to feel I may have some redeemable character traits.

The bottom line is, do some honest soul-searching, a deep look at yourself, and identify one thing about yourself that you do well. Revel in it and amaze yourself over that ability. Just be with it for a day or so… Take a deep breath…

Then go on to the next thing that amazes you about yourself. If you have to use what another has said about you to find something positive, then do that. The point is to see yourself in a positive light and to really look closely and gently at that. With great compassion for the little child that feels so badly about herself, himself. Smile for that child… give them some hope…

Continue the above exercise until you are seeing evidence of your value, your worth in the world. Let that settle into your heart. Just sit with that for days and days… Then move onto the next part, which I will talk about tomorrow….

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, hopeless, hopelessness, living sober, no value, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Why Is It Important to Show Compassion to One Another?

October 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

why is it important to show compassion to one another? This was the search term that got my attention this morning. The reason I wanted to write about it is that I feel so strongly that we need to show more compassion to others in our lives. It benefits us and it benefits them.

Showing compassion is having a softness in your heart for the plight of another, a softness for their woundedness. When we see each other as wounded people, we can begin to understand other’s actions and behaviors. That does not mean we condone what they have done necessarily, it just means we can understand someone a little bit more. As with anything that is wounded, we offer compassion.

This has two benefits. First, it frees us up of our angers and resentments, and allows us to travel in our heart to forgiveness. This is an emotionally freeing experience, at least it was for me after 35 years of huge rage and bitterness. Not only is forgiveness emotionally liberating; it has health benefits, as well. People who have forgiven have less chance of developing cancer and their risk for heart disease is lessened.

While forgiveness through compassion benefits you, compassion shown to another allows them to feel noticed and acknowledged for their pain. Often, all we each want is acknowledgment for our strife, the difficulty we are experiencing. We just want to know we are heard, that we are not alone. So to extend words such as, “I’m sorry you are experiencing difficulties,” reassures another that they matter, that they have been heard.

Compassion is important to show to others because it evokes peace among us as people in the world. I think it’s that simple. What are your thoughts? I invite you to leave a comment.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, forgiveness, how to finned peace, how to forgive, how to show compassion to others, inner peace, peace

Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It…

September 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“not sure sobriety is worth it” was the search term from yesterday that caught my eye. So, I wanted to share with you a story about that, about B… a delightful 91 year old gentleman for whom I have the honor of being his caregiver. Wait till you hear about this amazing elderly man. He has so much spirit.

B… is this slight guy, stooped, about 5’5″ because of that stoop. Thin, with huge veins in his arms. I notice this because I used to be a nurse and did lab draws… drawing blood. I notice everyone’s veins in their arms… Anyway, B… lives alone in a 3 bedroom house with lots of plants throughout. Ah, a man of my own heart. I also have lots of plants in my home.

He spends a fair amount of his time looking for his cane, so he can take the food out to the deer family he feeds… a doe and her two growing fawns. They like lettuce and red cabbage, so we always make an extra trip to the grocery store that carries red cabbage. I drive his car and he doesn’t complain about my driving! What a bonus. In fact, he agrees with me that I’m a fairly good driver. No, a good driver.

Yesterday was my day to prepare meals for him, so I was cooking away while he was trying to fix the screen door on the door between the gagare and the kitchen. The little arm at the top of the door that holds it open was slipping and wouldn’t keep the screen door ajar. He tried for about an hour to get that to work, but to no avail.

The thing is, I was a witness to this elderly man, trying again and again and again. I was touched by his tenacity, his patience. It fits with his soft-spoken nature.

You may be wondering what B… and his kitchen door have to do with sobriety? Here it is. Unless I was sober, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate B… and his door, or his deer. If I was still drinking, although not on the job, I would still be hung over for my shift from 1-4 pm. I would have been irritated to have to go to the extra grocery store… such a pain. Out of my way…

And I wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate this gentleman’s love of nature and the deer. I would have found it irritating to have to keep track of him while he was out there, on my watch. And I would have intervened yesterday with the door… wanting to get it fixed so he would stop fiddling on a lost cause.

Because I’m sober, I see everything differently, however. Instead of being irritated, I feel honored to be able to drive this man to the extra grocery store to support his efforts with the deer. I am able to be grateful for my job, for the honor, the delight, of witnessing this man and the actions of his heart.

I am able, as a sober person, to allow this 91-year-old to be as independent as possible, knowing he may fall, which he has outside while feeding them, cutting his elbow badly… twice. But I can offer him respect and trust in him as a person. Letting him maintain as much independence as possible.

Same for the door. I was able to respect his perseverance instead of getting irritated with it, taking delight in watching him continue to try and solve the problem. I didn’t have to step in and do it for him cause I was feeling insecure in myself. My self-confidence allowed me to have respect for him and his need to be active.

Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It… well, for me, if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be experiencing these fabulous things with this elderly gentleman. I would have gathered myself into a huff, a snit, feeling put-upon. From my perspective, sobriety is absolutely worth it, if you wish to live a life of peace and happiness, awareness and caring for another… free from anger and bitterness. Sobriety is the first step to getting there…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Self-Appraisal Leads to Inner Peace

September 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Well, it’s been a few days of a heavy topic, and today I’m going to lighten things up. I’m going to talk about my experience at a networking event last night, and my discovery of how a self-appraisal saved the evening.

I had a vendor’s table at a women’s networking event and it was a shopping extravaganza… except at my table. Oh, I had several lookers, but no one bought my book, nor any of the numerous photographs of wrought-iron gates I had displayed. It was very disappointing, very disappointing indeed.

I had come armed with a full box of books (weighing 56# I might add…), a box of framed photographs, and a box of flyers and other info to lay out. Luckily, the tables were 8 feet, so I had room to create a pleasing arrangement of all my wares. The people that stopped by were admiring of my work, but no one bought. I was occupied with my own table, and didn’t see if they were buying from other vendors.

I could come up with all sorts of excuses why I didn’t sell, but I think I know why they didn’t buy. I think it was because I had too much on my table, too many choices. Like the monkey that has two bananas to choose from and can’t make up it’s mind so chooses none, so I believe it was with my table.

Anyway, throughout the course of the evening, I was chosen to come up in front of the audience and state what I do, so I said I work with Vietnam vets to help them find forgiveness of the American people for how they were treated when they returned home. Afterward, a man approached my booth. I could see from his name tag that it was Stan.

Stan outstretched his hand, and said, “I’m a Vietnam vet and I want to thank you for the work that you are doing.” Boy, that made the evening worthwhile, to have let another vet know there is hope on the other side of the resentment, the bitterness. I was humbled. He even took my card to pass along the word of my work.

Earlier in the day, I had stumbled across a site that was a group of Vietnam Vets in San Quentin. I wanted to become a part of the volunteers who visit these men at that prison. I had, after all, visited a friend in Quentin for several years, so was familiar with going into the prison. I discovered, to my disappointment, that because I had been a visitor, I could not be a volunteer. Boy, and I was so excited to be able to go in and talk with the group… So my disappointment of the evening was a continuation, in part, of earlier news.

Let’s look for a minute at the lack of sales last night. I could use excuse after excuse, but as I said earlier, I believe it was because I had too much on the table, too many choices. In other words, I found a reason why what I was doing was not working, rather than blame it on everything else… like, they gave me a bad spot, etc.

The ability to look at myself, to look at my actions and how they contributed to a negative outcome has just occurred for me in sobriety. Being able to do that has been very freeing. No longer do I go seething about, looking for something outside of myself to blame. I can hold myself accountable. I can do a self-appraisal, a performance eval, and see how I contributed to a situation. Again, how very freeing this has been.

It took some practice over time, but my ability to go to seeing my part in something by doing a self-appraisal has been finely honed and I go right there, well, almost right there. The cool thing is, I have 2 more big events coming up during which I can test my theory by having just a few things on my table. I’ll let you know how that works.

Today, when you are tempted to blame everyone and everything around you for your difficulties, take a look at what role you played in the affair. How did you contribute to the negative outcome? Take a look, be humble and willing to accept responsibility for your part. It all starts with a self-appraisal, and a smile at yourself.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance evaluation, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Live In Serenity

September 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Balance of Serenity

Good morning. How to live in serenity was one of the search terms from yesterday and I thought it would be a great topic to blog about, given that that we just finished posts about getting sober.

The picture to the right suggests that when we are in serenity, life is balanced. Webster defines serenity as the state of being serene and serene is defined as not disturbed or troubled, the state of being calm, peaceful, tranquil.

Living a life of sobriety can lead you to serenity. In fact, being sober leads directly to the ability to have serenity. Once you work through all the muck that you drank over, or that you fret about if you don’t drink a lot, then what is left is an abiding calmness, tranquility… serenity.

I think the forgiveness of my parents led in large part to my ability to experience serenity. I was no longer angry at them and I became able to look at the past with calmness, with softer eyes and heart.

You, too, can find serenity, if that is what you seek. The steps to get there include letting go of the need to be right all the time, or to get your own way. It involves learning how to forgive, and my article on forgiveness may be helpful to you. To receive the article, sign up to the right of this post and you’ll receive step-by-step instructions to gain forgiveness.

I stress forgiveness because we all hold grudges and angers/hurts against others at one time or another. In my own life, when I forgave, life became much sweeter, much more easy. It’s like I just glided along from one moment to the next.

Living by the principle of live and let live is another thing you can adopt in your life that will assist you to find serenity. Live your own life as you wish, as long as you are not harming yourself or others, and let others be free to live their life as they wish, as long as they are not being harmful to themselves or others.

Practicing acceptance is another thing you can do to gain serenity. Learn to live with the realization that things are as they are, and unless they need changing, accept them as they are. Accept the fact that your life is not serene, and with that realization, you open the door to allowing serenity in.

Often, simply acknowledging a feeling will get the energy flowing and will allow you to get unstuck from that feeling. It’s like, once the light is shined on a feeling and exposes it, the Universe has the opportunity to step in and dispel the feeling.

Practice a few of these techniques and you, too, will soon be experiencing serenity in your life. It is truly a pleasant place to be.

Today, allow yourself to live and let live. Learn how to forgive others and yourself. That’s a biggie… Practice accepting life exactly as it is and see how much you gain serenity.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, how to live in serenity, inner peace, peace, serene, serenity, sober, sobriety

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 3

September 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

My van

To continue… I must say, I hope you stick with this post. It’s long and I really hated to do a part 4.

The first year and a half of getting sober was difficult, as my feelings were extremely raw and I had nothing with which to numb them. I did a LOT of writing. I took several brisk walks a day.

After several months of doing these things as well as going to 4-5 meetings a day, God brought me the old van I ws telling you about earlier, and I dove in, gutting it, redoing the plumbing and electrical systems in addition to all the woodworking. I designed the interior bulkhead walls and the bookshelves. This project was a life-saver. It eased the difficulty of getting sober and feeling all my emotions.

I left San Diego in the spring of 2002, and headed back to the Bay Area, where I got a job. Soon after, I fell and injured my right, dominant wrist, so much so that I could not write with that hand and started journaling with my non-dominant, left hand. All sorts of deep feelings welled up, out of nowhere.

In fact, some of what I wrote now appears in the book I wrote and photographed, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. In 2004, I discovered that the writings matched perfectly with some gate photos I had taken earlier in the year, describing their physical characteristics perfectly. I did not plan this; it just happened, which is why I believe my book was divinely created, guided.

Anyway, after returning to Marin and injuring myself in 2002, I could not deal with the weather that winter; the rain was blowing sideways and the van was leaking, getting my journals and books wet. I lost it and became suicidal. After reaching out to the crisis line and getting stabilized, I returned to San Diego and proceeded to receive treatment for my wrist injury.

Surgery was necessary, and I spent the next 3 years trying to find a place to live where I could be and not use my hand for a month following the surgery. It was going to be pretty extensive… First I went to Colorado and then to a friend’s home in Washington state, but these places did not work out and I found myself back in Marin in 2005, having surgery.

My emotional recovery continued, as I delved deeper into my psyche. I got assistance from a therapist. But I still was experiencing great, deep despair over my childhood. I felt the pain I had endured was for no purpose in my life, other than to make me miserable. That despair continued until one day, I discovered my purpose in life.

What I discovered was that my story, my abusive history, was of help to another when I talked about it and relayed how I had begun to heal from it. Suddenly, I saw the reason for the abuse. It was to help others by talking about my experience of healing so that they, too, could begin to recover from their abuse, their pain that they had endured. Suddenly I had purpose, my life had purpose.

After realizing my life’s purpose, my whole attitude and belief in myself changed, and I have not felt despair since that discovery, that day. In fact, my recovery has progressed to the point that I am stable and flourishing. Initially after surgery and for 2 years, I pulled together my book. Then I spent the next 2 years publishing and marketing it. It didn’t really take off, despite the fact that everyone who reads it, raves about it.

In 2008, I bought my humble little home in Marin, so now I am a long-term resident in a place that I love. An opportunity and calling came about, working with the Vietnam vets to help them through the suffering they still experience. What I have to offer today that I didn’t have 38 years ago is a way through grief, as well as how to get past anger and bitterness that is long-standing.

You see, I was finally able to forgive my parents for my upbringing. I carried that deep resentment around for 33 years, and am well-versed in how to forgive a long-time hurt. This is one of the major things I talk about when I work with the vets.

I conduct workshops now, as well as coach others. The topics are as I’ve discussed… grief recovery and forgiveness. I love my life and most of all, I love it when, after talking with someone, I see their eyes light up with hope after being sad and listless, void of all hope. That wonderful peace that I have found is something which I love to pass on… how to get there, how to look at the world and oneself with new eyes, 180 degrees from what one saw before.

You, too, can have a healing journey through all of your grief, your anger and bitterness, through all of your despair and hopelessness. It all starts by getting sober, giving up the drink for a kinder and softer way. Come join me. It is a wonderful life. Learn how to start on that path by coming to my workshop Finding Freedom In Forgiveness on National Forgiveness Day, October 27th. For more information and to register, go to http://findforgiveness.eventbrite.com.

If you are hurting enough, and you want something different in your life, then you are ready, perhaps, to embark upon a new journey. Reach out. Get help. You were not intended to do life alone in a vacuum, by yourself. It is a sign of strength and courage to reach out for a hand. There is love out there, brought to you by God’s countless angels. I wish for you to discover it.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, Nam Vets, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 2

September 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

To continue… So, Brad and I were friends and palled around for about a month. During that time, the thought to go on a road trip to “find myself” came to me, so I began preparing my little Audi Quattro (a 1985 runnin’ strong with 350,000 on it) for the trip. My first stop was San Diego where my old Sausalito bar tender was now living, getting sober herself. I packed up the car, made drawers and shelves in the back seat for clothes, pots and pans, and finally left Marin County, planning never to return. I had had it with Marin!

The ironic thing is that I am back, have been since 2005, and now own property in Marin. lol Just goes to show you that you never know where life is going to take you! My trip to San Diego was leisurely, as I stopped at several camp grounds along the way. I would drink my six-pack and go roller blading around the camp grounds, a hobby I had taken up at Brad’s encouragement. (He was a roller blader).

I spent my evenings reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. And drinking, of course. From the book, I formed the belief that there could be a God and that He was constantly sending help and messages my way through other people, songs, ads, etc. I became very open to suggestions by others, seeing that it might be God at work for me.

When I got to San Diego on March 5th, 2001, and spent the night in a Motel 6 in Chula Vista, south of San Diego, I had my last six-pack as I wrote a letter to the man who did not reciprocate my feelings of love. It was a letter explaining the events that occurred that had made me believe he cared, in an attempt to get clarification from him. I became a sloppy and teary-eyed drunk that night, and awoke with a bad hangover, as usual.

I headed to my friend’s on March 6, 2001, and we proceeded getting sober for the next seven days, at which point she claimed she was going to a support group and did I want to join her? As I was taking everything that came along as a sign from God, I said yes. I will never forget that first group meeting I went to. Everyone was going around the circle, claiming to be an alcoholic and giving their name. What would I say when it came my turn!!?? I was terrified to speak.

Miraculously, when my turn came, the words “Hi, I’m Carolyn and I’m an alcoholic,” rolled out of my mouth with no effort or hesitation at all. I cannot tell you what relief that I felt, what weight was lifted form my shoulders. No more hiding. There. Everyone knew, or would know. That meeting was the start of my recovery to a much better place. First though, I had to go through a lot of healing.

It started with looking at my resentments and examining them. After my parents and my ex-husband, came the “white man” for his treatment of and crimes against the Native Americans, and then came the American public for how they treated the Nam vets when they returned home. I was tremendously upset and angry about those things. They were some of the things I drank over.

Speaking of the Vietnam vets, what was my interest in them? Well, I vowed 38 years ago that I would give back to them even a little of what they lost when they returned home. Back then, I had nothing to offer. At this point in my sobriety, I still had nothing, but that changed, and I’ll explain how, tomorrow. Hope to see you then

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: get sober, getting sober, how to get sober, living sober, Nam Vets, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

To Have Hope In Hopelessness

September 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

To have hope in hopelessness… Ah, yes. The ever-illusive hope. The crawl from hopelessness to a semblance of peace and calm inside. The search term which struck me from yesterday was “to have hope in hopelessness.” There were actually two queries related to finding hope from hopelessness, so I thought I would address one way in which to do that.

Hope is defined as a feeling that what is wanted will occur or happen; it is desire accompanied by expectation. It is that state in which we all wish to live, as our desires and expectations are met. In this case, the desire is for peace-of-mind. You keep your hope because you expect your desire to have emotional peace will be met.

What happens when it isn’t? What happens when you slip into hopelessness? First of all, it has been my experience that you don’t just “slip” into hopelessness. In my journey, hopelessness came after repeated and seemingly endless desires that were not met. Being continually let down

Hopelessness is the state of having no belief that things can get better, the belief that your situation is impossible to solve or deal with. It often slides into despair, which is utter loss of hope and the resulting dejection that occurs. Often, when you are in despair, you think about dying.

I got to a point of utter hopelessness and despair about five or six years into my sobriety. I could see no purpose in having had to endure what I did as a child, other than to make me miserable in my life. I had sustained PTSD as a result of the chronic abuse; it went undiagnosed until I was 53 years old, so I lived with it all that time.

I saw no purpose in my childhood experience, no way that it added to my growth or evolution as a human being. I wanted to die. Afraid I’d fail in my attempt at suicide, I started praying to God to let me die. I became despondent when that didn’t happen.

So, where do you go when you are feeling hopeless, despondent and despairing? In my case, it was over a bad childhood. If you are a Vietnam Veteran, it may have been the degradation of your honor, based on how you were greeted and treated when you returned home. Whatever the cause, hopelessness is devastating and erodes your spirit, your very soul.

Quite by accident, I stumbled upon a solution. Frankly, I don’t think it was an accident; I believe it happened by divine intervention… I had an experience that melted away my terrible hopelessness and despair. I had an opportunity to be useful to someone else who was suffering emotionally, someone else who felt hopeless from his years of treatment he received as a child.

After I had been of service by sharing my similar experience and how I had healed thus-far, I realized that, without my experience with childhood trauma and the will to try and get out from under its long-lasting effects, I never would have been able to help this man. I never would have been of service to him.

Suddenly, the experience of trauma made sense. It happened so I could be of service to another. The trauma had a purpose. I had a purpose. It was to help out a fellow human being. On that day, I believed in a flash that my message is God-sent, and is intended for you who are feeling, or have felt, hopeless in their lives. My message is one of hope that your experiences can be made purposeful if you turn around and help another through their troubles, sharing what you have learned.

Not only did I see in that instant that my history served a vital function; I also saw that my message of hope was meant for many people. Within my message of hope comes the ability to forgive after years of anger and bitterness, the recovery from long-standing and debilitating grief.

You will need to search the corners of your heart and determine what difficult life lessons warrant sharing with another or others. How can you take your experiences and be of service to others? Even just one other person… I invite you to take action by figuring this out and carrying out that service. It is the most satisfying feeling to be of service to another. It offer them hope in hopelessness.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: hope, hope in hopelessness, hopeful, hopelessness, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Forgiveness – Step-by-Step How to Get There

September 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. For some reason, this did not publish yesterday and I thought it did. I even read it on the website, I thought. I apologize for any confusion and now offer the how-to’s of forgiveness. Here is what I wrote for yesterday.

Good morning. Welcome back to the continuation of our discussion about forgiveness. Two days ago, I talked about what it was like to discover it. Today, I will present a process that could serve to move you from anger and resentment to forgiveness and peace.

I say “could” because the process will work when you are open and willing, with your action and participation. Let’s look at a system I stumbled upon that worked to move me into forgiveness; I am confident it could happen for you, too.

This is going to be a write-along today. I invite you to do the exercises that are defined below… It looks like an endless list, and much of what is written is explanation or information for you. I would strongly urge that you allow your mind and heart to be clear by avoiding the use of substances while you do this. Otherwise, you will never move forward to peace. Know that if you get stuck in any one spot, there is support and assistance available. That’s what I do… guide people over the hurdles on the way to forgiveness.

Here’s the process:

Identify the person who wronged you and how they wronged you. List them.
Determine if you provoked the other person and if you did, then own it, be accountable for it. It’s time to be humble, give up on the anger you hold, and forgive. Apologize if you have hurt another.
Determine if you have ever done the very same thing that was done to you. Own it and be accountable if you have. Write down the circumstances – what you did and how you were feeling at the time.
Feel compassion for yourself, an emotionally damaged person at that time
Now consider and believe that the person who wronged you was also emotionally and spiritually damaged.
Let compassion fill your being; feel compassion for their spirit, their soul.
Even if you have not repeated their wrong, feel compassion for them.
Stay in that space of compassion you would have for any wounded person. Hold it for both you and the other person.
Allow one chunk of anger and heartache to melt away and replace it with just a little bit of forgiveness.
Consciously notice any relief that you felt by the small amount of letting some anger go.
This is the gift you’ll experience. Write it (or them) down.

This is a process you can do over and over, and it will gently erode away your resentment, your bitterness. It will leave you eventually, the resentment will, if you keep at this.

If you are successful in shedding your anger and resentment, I applaud you. This all occurred through your creation. You created your own peace by forgiving and accepting what is. Nice work.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: finding forgiveness, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, the art of forgiveness

Forgiveness is the Key to Your Inner Peace

September 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Do you live in the space of anger at others for things that happened long ago. resenting the heck out of them? Or, do you live in the realm of forgiveness, having moved through your resentment to the other side?

There is another side, you know, a side where there is freedom from the physical and emotional aspects of anger, resentment. I don’t know about you, but when I was angry for all those 36 years, I was tight as a drum in my muscles, went around with a scowl on my face a great deal of the time.

Emotionally, I was always in a turmoil, a continual thought process about how I’d been wronged by so-an-so, who had hurt me, whose fault it was. I definitely did not have inner peace. I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Peace? Being at peace in my heart, my mind? What’s THAT?

What I discovered after about 5 years of sobriety was true forgiveness and the effect of that forgiveness was that 36 years of anger and rage slowly receded. One day, I just noticed how my energy was being spent watching the world and other people around me, and that I was a witness to miracles, every day. This realization bred a great deal of joy for me.

All this was possible and had occurred, because I was willing to consider forgiveness when it looked me in the eye. It looked me in the eye when I realized I was doing to the men in my life the very same thing that had been done to me when I was a child. I used to get drunk and scream at them that they were worthless. I was heartsick and mortified when I remembered this, because I so denigrated their soul.

The thing is, I didn’t even feel that way about THEM, I was feeling worthless about ME. After realizing that, I was given the grace to feel compassion for myself, a small child being told she was worthless, and the permanent scars that these words caused in her life.

One day it dawned on me… if I didn’t feel the men in my life were worthless, instead that I was worthless and said it uncontrollably, then is it possible my father hadn’t meant it about me, but instead, about himself and was unable to keep those feelings of worthlessness inside? Suddenly, the door was opened ever-so-slightly. Through that crack, I saw a man, just a man, young at that, with lots of responsibility for a large family, under lots of stress, having endured the verbal abuse himself at the hands of his father.

I saw all of that through the crack in the door, and slowly, it crept open and compassion flowed in. Well, it actually trickled, but steadily flowed. Forgiveness came over me slowly, gently, with God’s grace and my actions and thought processes. Willingness and being open minded and open hearted helped a great deal.

Suddenly, I began to experience what I described before… the ability to observe the miracles happening all around me. I put my toe in these waters, slowly, cautiously, not sure if I was dreaming or if the feeling of freedom would be rudely yanked away. Time showed me that it was permeant and that I loved it as a space to hang out in.

You, too, can discover the willingness to consider looking at things with new eyes. That’s all it takes. Willingness to consider something and someone differently. Then it takes compassion and being willing to extend it to another. What lies through this all is peace, inner peace. And freedom. Join me tomorrow and I’ll walk you through the process of how to find forgiveness for not only others, but yourself as well.

My day would feel incomplete to me if I did not say this… May we hold a screed space for those who were directly affected by the events of 9/11, and also for those of us who stood helplessly watching… horrified. Many blessings for those brave souls who sprang into action to help.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, how to find forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, Willingness

Find Peace By Doing a Performance Appraisal

September 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Standing strong in your truths is the search term from yesterday that applies to today’s post. Today we’re going to talk about one way to find peace through conducting a performance appraisal, a self-assessment. It requires that you stand strong in your truths about who and what you are, how you act and behave toward others and yourself. It requires that you be honest with yourself about yourself.

I have a friend who is all balled up over this issue. He has pushed away people that have been friends for 40 years. He is indignant about being called on the carpet for being verbally abusive to his wife. He has now disowned all his friends and his son for pointing that fact out to him. The thing is, he is not taking responsibility for his bad behavior toward his wife.

He WAS verbally abusive to his wife during a gathering of friends in Vegas last year. He is not taking responsibility for that bad behavior, though. Instead, he sees that his woes are caused by everyone else… his friend and his son when, in fact, he brought the critique on himself through his actions and words.

Many people do not look at their part in a situation, instead blaming others for their woes. Nine times out of ten, they are experiencing their woes because of their own behavior. In other words, they brought their woes upon themselves. If this is ever pointed out to them, they get huffy and indignant, like, “How dare you say such things to me.” What the person is failing to do in this situation is to get humble, and admit to their shortcoming(s).

To do a performance appraisal, find a block of time where you can do some writing and reflecting. Start by listing all of your positive points down. Then, list out your positive actions and behaviors for the past week or the past month. The objective is to identify the good things that make up who you are at your core.

Next, list out your negative behaviors and actions, including negative thoughts about yourself. Be honest. Be humble and accept that you are a human being who is human and who erred. Accept responsibility for your actions… be accountable for yourself.

Once you are, you may find that you owe another an apology. Do so and relay to them the way in which you were wrong. Don’t beat yourself up for your behavior; just vow to not repeat it if you can help it. Use it as a learning tool, a tool of self-discovery.

Once you complete your performance appraisal, you will begin to know more peace of heart, more calmness of mind. As you go through each day, continually be on the lookout for ways in which you have erred, have hurt another, and right that wrong quickly.

Today, as you reflect upon your performance appraisal, recognize that you are a human being on a journey of self-discovery, working toward inner peace. I invite you to take responsibility for your actions and words, how you treat others and yourself. See if that doesn’t lead you to more peace-of-mind.

If you are having difficulty doing a performance appraisal, consider setting up a coaching call with me and I can help you through the process. See how by clicking on the “Coaching Services” selection under the “Services” tab above.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal, slef-assessment

To Stay Sober Just Go to Bed – Part 2

August 31, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

In yesterday’s post, I told the tale of my friend who is struggling with tremendous feelings and who is wanting nothing more than to pick up a drink. As I said yesterday, I suggested she first think the drink through to what would happen if she did take it. Today, I will tell you what else I told her…

Next, I invited her to allow herself to feel her feelings of despair and sadness as they arose, and to let them move through her. Difficult feelings will move on you know, if you just acknowledge them. “Oh, I feel so sad to remember my life back when I got this…”

When she looks at an object that makes her sad to remember that point in her life, I invited her to consider the good feelings she had about that same period of her life, those feelings of positivity that occurred when she got that object. Take a minute to reflect on those good feelings, to be grateful for those good times she experienced… then decide to get back to the task at hand and decide to keep or sell it.

I invited her to allow herself to grieve the loss of her life before it turned south. I suggested she stay acutely focused on the project, to not let her mind wander from that project and when it did, to gently return to the task-at-hand. In order to stay sober, she needed to stay focused on the moment in front of her, the task in front of her and not drift into the future or the past.

So, if you’re trying to stay sober yourself, I invite you to follow these steps I’ve described so far. Realize that you can only do what is being placed before you to do in that moment. When it is time to move to the next thing, the Universe will make that fact known to you by bringing something else that needs your attention. At that point, you will focus your attention on the thing that has been placed in front of you to do.

When you do all these things and you are still distressed and wigging out, then go to bed, go to sleep. Just go to bed. If you haven’t eaten, drink a protein shake… no meal prep, minimal clean-up, and you get your nutrition.

Very simple, and yet, we sometimes forget to do just that. More to the truth is we don’t even think of this as an option…

One of the things I stressed to my friend was that she only had to do today what was being placed in front of her to do. She didn’t have to create more things for herself, she didn’t have to think ahead to “what will I do if…” All she had to do was sort through her belongings and when that got to be too tough, all she had to do was to go to bed and sleep.

As far as the fear, I forgot to suggest to her a remedy, which is: breathe through it, then ask for help, and finally, take action. That is how to deal with fear.

Today, if you are faced with wanting to drink, follow these steps and you will find that taking the first drink is not something you want to do. When stuck and in doubt, just go to bed to stay sober.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: living sober, Sober Living, sobriety, stay sober

The Freedom of Choice in Sobriety – 2

August 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Let’s continue with yesterday’s post. I was talking about how powerful it was to realize my pain had been useful to another. In fact, it was so powerful, that I gained the understanding at a deep level that my purpose in life was to take the experiences that led to my misery and help others to get past theirs, simply in the telling of my story and the healing work I was doing. That realization is what continues to fuel me 3 years later.

What happened that day when I realized my true calling in life? Well, I made the choice, although unconscious, to look at my misery from a different angle. I chose to see that misery and my struggles because of it as learning experiences for me, in order to prepare me to be useful to others. I chose that path, and I continue to choose it.

How do you get past your struggles, your anger, bitterness, and misery? You, too, can choose to see those events with new eyes, as learning experiences so you can then reach out and help another, and another… and yet another… Unlike me, you can choose to do it consciously. Tell you what, it’s freeing. You get released from the misery, the struggle… the bitterness and anger.

For example, are you a Vietnam Veteran, struggling with resentment about how you were treated when you returned home? Drinking over it, perhaps? You may think that I’m going to tell you to get over it. I don’t believe in that philosophy. Instead, I say choose something different.

Identify the feelings that series of events evoked in you, and use that knowledge to help a vet now returning from war. Make sure that what happened to you is not repeated in current day. It is my hope that you will find, as you help others, your resentment will lessen.

It’s all about what we choose to focus on… in our sobriety, we are able to choose to believe in better things, different things. We are able, in sobriety, to seek out a positive outlook, to consider the benefits of our experiences and how we can be of service. It is freeing to have choice.

It leads the way to more peace-of-mind.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, how to stay sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Freedom of Choice in Sobriety – 1

August 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The day dawns bright and sunny in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ah, another warm day. Another good day in sobriety. I say that because I know it will be true. It will be true because I choose to make it so. You see, it’s all about choice for me.

This is a new thing for me, the practice of choice. I didn’t learn it until about 5-6 years into sobriety, 4-5 years ago. Until that point, I felt I had no choice but to be miserable. After all, I was angry and bitter at my parents for the way I was raised and I was justified. Right?

Yes, I was victimized and yes, I had negative feelings about myself and others because of it that I needed to look at and feel. However, in sobriety, I learned that in my misery, especially in my misery, I had a choice and the ability to look at my experiences with different eyes. I became able to look at bad experiences from a 180 degree view point.

How did THAT happen??? Well, I became more healed from my childhood issues and, at the same time, discovered that I could decide how I wanted to spend my time… in misery or in happiness. Seems like a no-brainer, but for me, a woman who stayed angry and bitter for 50-some years about stuff that happened almost that long ago, it was not evident. It was not on my radar.

Oh, I went to meetings to deal with my sobriety, and I heard people share about the choices they had in their lives. I used to get pissed when I heard that. That was all well and good for them, but it wouldn’t work for me. I was DAMAGED, don’t you know? I had justification for my anger, my bitterness, my indignation.

The thing is, I say with great gentleness, that I was graced with the ability to look at my wounds in a different light. Since I had been getting help professionally, I had slowly healed. One day, I spoke to another alcoholic who was in misery from his childhood, and I was able to relay what I’d learned so far about healing.

After I did, he was so grateful, he almost cried. I realized that my experiences growing up had been of use to another, because he was able to relate to my pain, and the healing words I spoke resonated with him. I realized my misery was useful to another. That was very powerful.

The story continues, but it makes for a really long post, so I will continue this tomorrow. Come back to find out how I dealt with this realization.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: choice, how to maintain sobriety, how to stay sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, the freedom to choose

Forgiveness of Others

August 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Tiers of Forgiveness

Good morning. I hope the day is dawning brightly for you, wherever that might be.

I saw a twitter post this morning from someone who said they did not have the guts to forgive someone. It prompted me to tweet and let them know of my forgiveness article that they can receive if they opt-in to my site. Having tweeted about that, I was led to thoughts about forgiveness.

The thing about forgiveness is we always do it for ourselves, never the other person. Nelson Mandella said once that resentment is like drinking poison thinking it will kill your enemy. Truer words could not be spoken. Your enemy usually has no clue you are resentful, and it is you who is tied up in knots over some issue.

That’s why you never forgive for the other person; you forgive for yourself, to clear the chains that bind your heart. By offering forgiveness, you are not saying you condone what was done, not in any way. The event(s) that happened were wrong, you were wronged, and it will always be a part of who you are.

But there is a way to look at a situation that takes the sting out, that allows you to find forgiveness. It is a process. This process of forgiveness takes place over time, in tiers, of you will.

I experienced physical, verbal, and emotional trauma in my early years, and I grew up angry/livid and bitter about it. I refused to even consider forgiveness; I lived my life as a victim, filled with self-pity. To numb the sting of my feelings, I drank for 26 years. When I finally was an absolute emotional mess, I gave up the fight and became sober.

Through my sobriety, I became, after about two years, to look at forgiving. Actually, this is how it happened…

Soon after I became sober, I was doing a self-appraisal, looking at the relationships I had had with men over the years. What I remembered was getting drunk and yelling at them that they were worthless, would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to recall this, and felt badly that I denigrated their spirit, their soul, in such a way. Then I realized I did not mean that of them; I said it because I was lashing out in desperation with thoughts I had for myself. i.e., I thought I was worthless.

Then a while later, I began to wonder if the person who told me I was worthless actually meant these words about himself, and perhaps he, too, was lashing out at me in desperation. A light bulb went off as I began to consider this. It opened the door ever-so-much to be able to consider this person as a wounded soul.

When I was able to see him in this manner, I felt badly for him because I knew how horrible it felt to feel worthless about myself, and I assumed he felt the same way about himself at the time he said it to me. I began to have compassion for this wounded soul.

Over time, I was able to see his behaviors and treatment of me as merely an expression of how badly he felt about himself. Over a period of a couple of years, I was able to offer forgiveness to him.

This is how forgiveness came about for me. For you, I invite you to consider the following as a method of forgiveness:

consider whether you have ever done the same thing that was done to you that you cannot forgive for;
if you have, own your behavior, An apology may be in order;
if you haven’t, then look at the other person as a wounded person, unable to help themselves for what they did;
have compassion for this wounded individual, knowing how fallible and fragile they were;
allow the chains that bind your heart to slip away over time, as you continue to apply more compassion for a fellow human who is themselves scarred.

Try this out and let me know if you were able to find forgiveness by leaving a comment.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, getting sober, how to forgive, self-pity, sober, sobriety, victim

Sobriety Brings the Freedom of Choice

August 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning! I hope the day is going well for you.

Celebration of Choices

Today, I’d like to talk about how to exercise the freedom of choice that we have, now that we’re sober and feeling more peaceful. Once we get sober, we see that we have the choice to choose our actions, behaviors, and thoughts. Yes, even thoughts, even our attitude.

I went through my life not realizing that I was the one who could control how I was feeling just by allowing myself to filter out the negativity and to choose a more positive attitude. This realization occurred after I did some healing work around my childhood issues.

Until the thought came to me that I could choose how I felt, I played the victim. I spent my lifetime playing victim… blaming everyone else for my emotional state. I learned I had a choice to heal myself from my childhood wounds and to be a survivor, not a victim.

That healing I experienced is what my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart; A Journey of Healing, is all about. In the book, I go through the process I went through to get from miserable and bitter, very angry, to calm and peace-of-mind.

We can choose to participate in our own recovery. That is what you are doing, perhaps, by reading my blog every day… you are choosing to engage in an activity that affects your recovery, that strengthens it. All your efforts at healing are conscious, maybe even unconscious, choices.

Become aware of when you are choosing… in other words, always be alert to the choices you are making. To do nothing is a choice. When you do nothing, you are sometimes making the choice to stay stuck. The thing is, you have the option of getting unstuck through your actions, behaviors, and thoughts.

It is so freeing and exquisitely exciting to exercise your option of choice. Are you in an abusive relationship, for example? Is that what you really want for your life? Can you change your behavior in any way that will minimize or eradicate the abuse? If not, is it time to get out? Sometimes, we decide there is no option and we stay, but it is a detriment to our soul, which wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.

I stayed in a bad marriage, verbally abusive, for 20 years… about 15 years too long, as it got bad right about then. I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. It scared me. I didn’t want to be lonely. Heck of an unfair thing for my husband… totally dishonest of me. When the opportunity to leave the relationship occurred, I took it, but unconscious to the fact that I was making a choice.

Years later, I see that my leaving was the best thing for me, as it allowed me to become sober. You, too, can exercise your choices, even when they seem impossible. It’s like, the Universe will support you when you take action for your higher good. But you need to first make the choice for change in your life.

Today, look at the ways on which you are not exercising your ability to choose, all the ways in which you keep yourself miserable. Then, choose to make a change, even a small one. Celebrate that choice once you make it. That will make it easier to make a choice the next time. Happy choosing!

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Two things. First, I think that a lot of you are regular visitors to my site. If that’s the case, thank you so much. Will you please support me further? You would be a tremendous support if you would sign up to receive a free article on forgiveness by leaving your email to the right. I would be most grateful if you would do that. I send out communication about once a month or less.

The second thing is, if you are in the Bay Area in California, I have a free workshop coming up on August 26th, Sunday, from 2-4 pm in Novato. Here are the details I offer to you so you can register if you are looking for more peace in your life. http://creatingpeaceinyourlife.eventbrite.com/ Hope to see you there.

Have a great day!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: choice, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, the freedom of choice

Sobriety Will Lead You to Peace

August 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Promise of Peace

Ah, we have finally made it to what we have been searching for. We have made it to peace.

“When I practice the principles of love for myself and others, the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk and peace rises to greet me.”

As the verse says, all you have to do is practice the principles of love for yourself and others. If you are kind, tolerant, gentle, compassionate, and respectful toward all beings, including yourself, peace will flow in.

There is a stilling of the mind and heart when you reach peace. It’s like the calm of a lake as you look out across the waters.

In order to get to peace, you have had to remain sober. You have had to work at your sobriety, learning and practicing the principles of love.

Forgiveness plays a huge role in achieving peace, for when you forgive, you free yourself… your mind and your heart. You feel washed clean.

Do you feel more peace in your life? Like the pink glow in the sky, has peace gradually descended upon you, catching you unaware? If so, revel in this feeling. Know that it is a place to which you can return when you practice the principles of love.

Today, enjoy the feeling deep in your heart. Enjoy that quietness and stillness of spirit. Stop struggling and be still. It will descend upon you. My hope for you is that you know peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Gift of Choice in Sobriety

August 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Once we have realized the realm of possibilities open to us, we discover the gift of choice in sobriety. Like the little man in his top hat pictured to the left, we can raise our arm high and celebrate the choices that we have.

The reality is that we have a choice about everything that occurs in our lives. Even when we think we have no choice, we do.

When I was in the throes of my healing work, I thought I had no choice about my feelings of angst. The fact was, I was exercising my choice, allowing those feelings to overcome me.

At the same time, I was choosing to heal, simply because I chose to get sober, and because I chose to do the healing work. If we are working on self-improvement, then we have made the choice to heal and to grow. Even if we’re not consciously aware of it, we have made a choice.

All choices have consequences. For example, I chose to stay in a dysfunctional marriage in which I was bullied, demeaned, and criticized continually. It took me a long time to choose to leave it behind, and even then, I wasn’t acting consciously with purpose.

The consequence of me staying in that marriage was a wounded self-image and esteem. I was accepting an assault against my being, rather than getting out and moving away from the relationship. That was a choice I was making.

When we look at the choices we are making, consider the consequences to ourselves and others. In the journey to serenity, peace, and a strong sobriety, we want to make choices that are in our highest good. Sometimes the consequences of those choices are difficult, yet, if they’re for our highest good, we will get help from our Source.

Today, look at all the choices you are making in your life. Are they in your highest good? If not, what is keeping you from making a different choice that IS in your highest good? Walk through your fears with faith and courage, and consider making a different choice. See the gift of choice that is yours, and exercise it.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: finding inner peace, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

With Sobriety Comes Possibility

August 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Realm of Possibilities

Having experienced all that we have, we now discover that there are a wealth of possibilities in our lives that we can tap into. There is nothing to stop us, except ourselves.

The gates are flung wide, offering us a stairway to climb that leads to serenity and peace. It leads to a stronger sobriety for us. The way is beckoning us.

All we have to do is keep climbing, taking with us the wonder and gratitude that surround us in our lives. We just keep practicing these, along with honesty, willingness, openness, compassion, kindness, and all the other positive ways to live in the world.

What we will find is a softening of out heart, our soul. As we recognize some possibilities, more will appear to us. Soon we are surrounded with possibilities in our lives.

The thing about our sobriety and possibilities is that we become able to discern our choices. We will not be numb, and therefore, can recognize the possibilities when they appear. We will recognize them, while before, when we were drinking, we could not.

Today, look at all the possibilities of ways to be in the world, with yourself and with others. Revel in all of these possibilities. Choose a couple to follow up on, and you will begin to feel more serenity and peace. Notice how, as you follow up on those, that more possibilities appear to you. Notice how smoothly your sobriety flows.

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I don’t know why, when I clicked on the image while it was in the pre-insert-into-the-post-mode, that it created a new page… I guess you can view that great photo twice!

To all of you who are faithfully viewing and reading my blog, I want to thank you. I hope with all of my heart that what I say is helpful to you. Now I have something more to offer for you, and it is my article on forgiveness. It goes into how to find if, along with exercises designed to guide you to that place. I invite you to sign up to get it… there to the right of this blog. Let me know what you think after you read it.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, serenity, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Enhance Your Sobriety with Gratitude

August 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Visions of Gratitude

Good morning. I have been gone for several days, getting my old computer more up to snuff, keeping at bay the need to get a new one… Thank you to those of you that continued to visit , despite the lull in new posts.

As a result of the lull, we have had a break in the flow of my posts and I am afraid that will have broken the momentum we had going.

I was going to do a review, in order to get our momentum back, yet the next topic about which to write is gratitude, and I believe we can slide back into the swing of it with this topic. Allow me to continue…

When we see things with eyes that appreciate, everything around and within us becomes more pleasing, more beautiful. Such is the case with gratitude. It becomes a way of life, whereby we are grateful for everything we have and do.

When living a life of gratitude, we begin the day by being grateful for another day, for waking up. Then we can be grateful for our sight, that we can see a myriad of colors and objects when we awake in the morning. And so forth throughout the day.

When we can live this way, our sobriety becomes easier and richer, and we are able to find serenity and peace.

But if you’re like I was in early sobriety, you are not able to be grateful. You do not see anything for which to be grateful. However, if you have followed the process we have been discussing, in the order it was presented, then you will have had a chance to look at old resentments, and hopefully, to resolve them.

With them resolved, hopefully you were able to forgive. Even if you have not gotten to the forgiveness stage, however, it is possible to see the world around you with gratitude.

Start by making a gratitude list every morning or every evening, whichever is the time for you that writing flows. Your list will be obvious things at first, like… you are grateful for a home, food, family and friends, your job. Keep doing this every day.

Really reach within for things about which you are grateful. After a while, you may notice a change in your list. You may begin to add things like your sobriety, your belief in a power greater than yourself, the guidance you receive from that power.

You may begin to feel gratitude for things such as the expansive feelings in your heart that you feel toward others you meet in your day. You may be grateful you are an alcoholic, for it brought you to this journey of healing.

Gratitude may well up inside as you consider that your difficult past occurred so that you could heal from it and then pass your message of healing along to others, to be of use to them.

When you can live with gratitude as the foremost thing in your heart, the road becomes easier and joyful.

Today, consider all the things for which you are grateful. Make a list of those things. Let your heart sing as you write each thing down. Really feel that gratitude as a deep feeling. If you are having difficulty with this, just start where you are and write down what you can.

Continue this as a daily practice until being grateful for the things in your life is second nature and happens easily. Feel that freeing feeling, that feeling of deep satisfaction and peace. You are experiencing gratitude as a way of life.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Sober Living Tagged With: gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Experiencing Awe and Wonder in Sobriety

July 31, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Moments of Wonder

Ah, I am back from the computer’s little vacation. I hope you are enjoying the new look of my website… The forgiveness article is yet to come, and I appreciate your patience.

In our pursuit of sobriety, serenity, and peace, living a life filled with awe and wonder will get us closer to our desired goal. It will lighten our heart, and delight our being.

All it takes is a decision to look at every little thing around us and find awe and wonder in it. For example… the star in the photograph to the left. I did not see that when I snapped the photo, nor did I see it for about nine months after that.

Then one day, I had all my gate photographs leaning up against the wall, and I was standing back, looking at them. I looked at this photo and saw the star, beaming at me from across the room.

I stopped in amazement! In that moment, I was struck with awe and wonder. Hence, the title for the image.

Since that time, I made the resolve to notice the small things around me. I do this every day, and every day, I notice something that strikes me with awe, and I feel wonder at the creation I am observing. It can be an object or another person, but I always find something about which to be in awe and wonder. It just comes naturally now.

We can all do this. As I said, it takes a decision, and then it takes slowing down each day to notice the world around us. If we start with something like a flower, we will notice its delicacy, its beauty, and we will be touched with awe and wonder. When we are, our sobriety softens and we find our way to serenity and peace. We will find that we are useful to others because we are often inspiring to them.

Today, take the time to make the decision to look at the world around you more closely than you currently do. Make the decision to see it with awe and wonder. Don’t you feel lighter, filled with awe and wonder? If you do this, it will help your sobriety and your journey to serenity and peace.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: awe, awesome, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, wonder

Tolerance Adds to Our Sobriety and Peace

July 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Practice of Tolerance

Today’s topic is practicing tolerance of others. Tolerance is the ability to recognize, respect, allow, and permit another’s values, beliefs, and practices, even if we don’t like them.

However, if one is treating us with disrespect or abuse, we do not tolerate that behavior. If that is us being disrespectful and abusive to another, we do not tolerate that behavior in ourselves; rather, we attempt to change that about ourselves.

Similarly, we do not tolerate abuse and disrespect that we dole out to ourselves, as that denigrates our spirit. We learn how to be respectful of ourselves, and we go to whatever length we need to, in order to accomplish this. We engage in such activities as journaling about it, talking to another, or seeking counseling.

The thing about tolerance that is freeing and that adds to our sobriety and our path to peace, is that once we learn to tolerate others, we no longer feel like we have to defend ourselves and who we are. We can live and let live.

In our practice of tolerance, we can even get to the point of finding another’s differences interesting, exciting, as we recognize the added richness those differences bring to our lives.

We even discover that another’s differences do not diminish our own value. We no longer need to compare ourselves to others.

Today, practice the art of tolerance. Experience that gentle feeling and warmth toward others that comes when you do. If in an intolerable situation, consider moving away from it, emotionally or physically. When you practice tolerance, feel how you are freer, more settled in sobriety, on the pathway to peace.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance, tolerance of others, tolerance of ourselves

Judging Others Affects Our Sobriety Negatively

July 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The obvious thing about judgment is that we want to halt our malicious judgment of others. Judging others and ourselves harshly, while denigrating the spirit, adversely affects our ability to stay sober, as well as to find peace.

We want to find a way to cease judging others negatively. Certainly, we need to assess that we are safe in any given situation, and so we will judge others to that end. But I’m talking about judgment borne of fear, hatred. We cannot maintain our serenity when we are busily judging everyone. It is this which we want to learn to curb.

When we judge others negatively, we denigrate that person’s spirit. It is character assignation.

Absence of Judgment

This is all very valid when it comes to the topic of judgment, yet, I wish to look at the issue of how we judge any given situation in our lives as good or bad. When we are going through a tough time, for example, we wonder why this is being done to us, why Spirit or Source is taking us through the anguish and strife.

We struggle to get through the rough times, sometimes even getting angry at Source, or denouncing It. The thing is, we can practice the principle, absence of judgment, in these situations. What do I mean by that?

To explain it, let’s start at the end. Once a difficult situation has resolved, and time has passed, we can look back and see how the incident made us stronger, or saved us from a bigger evil, or was for our highest good. We can even consider that we were given opportunities.

We begin to see how Source chose to bring us these opportunities, that without that specific incident, we wouldn’t have paid attention. Sometimes, our lessons are harder because we did not heed earlier signs that we were going down the wrong path.

Eventually, we realize that within these difficult times are gifts, as they contain lessons for our betterment. This belief helps us through those hard times because we are looking for the lesson, the gift. Knowing that when we have survived the event, we can help another through similar circumstances, gives us purpose.

Today, see if you can find a silver lining in a rough experience you have had in your life. Identify the lesson, the gift. Does that help with your sobriety, bring you peace?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, judgment, judgment of others, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Respect the Individuality of Yourself and Others

July 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Respect of Individuality

Perhaps the most kind and loving thing we can do is to show respect for individuality, both our own and another’s.

When we respect others, we promote peace and harmony in the world. When we respect ourselves, we gain emotional peace and the desire to stay sober.

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?” If you are like me, you were never celebrated for my individuality in your early years. If you were like me, you were compared to your siblings or others and found to be deficient, every time.

If we are doing that to another, we need to stop, as it kills the spirit. If we are disrespectful of ourselves and our talents, our attributes, we need to stop. It is killing our sense of purpose and our will to follow our dreams.

Instead, let’s celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, to be unique, to be individuals.

When we do this, we will know a much richer life. And we will know more emotional freedom and peace. We will wish to stay sober to experience all of it.

Today, practice respecting the uniqueness of others, their individuality. Practice respecting your own individuality. Experience the peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, individuality, inner peace, living sober, peace, respect of individually, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Acknowledgment of Others – A Way of Living Sober

July 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I apologize for my lack of consistency in posting daily. Again, I got side-tracked…

Acknowledgment of Others

As we continue through the journey to sobriety and emotional peace, we have come to a point where we feel better about ourselves. We feel more complete and accepting of ourselves and our feelings of goodness begin to overflow to those around us. For the next few days, we will examine ways in which we can be more loving to others.

Today, we will talk about acknowledgment. On the one hand, we want to show acknowledgment to ourselves for our characteristics, our feelings, our quirks. ”We go within so we can reach out to others.”

We also want to show acknowledgment to others, simply because they are human beings sharing this space we call Earth. “We reach out to others so we can go within.”

There is nothing more loving than to be walking along, passing someone, and showing them acknowledgment with a smile or a nod. It’s as if our heart is bursting with so much love that it pours forth to others, and we show them that we see them, that they matter, simply because they are another person, moving through life as best they can.

“We all want to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves.”

We can do a lot for our sobriety and peace simply by acknowledging others. Remember, this occurs freely when we have acknowledged ourselves.

Today, take those good feelings about yourself and share with others by offering acknowledgment with a smile or a nod. Doesn’t that feel nice to do that, to connect with another in this way? Don’t you feel more at peace?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acknowledgment of others, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, Sober Living, sobriety

Patience in Sobriety Leads to Peace

July 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Patina of Patience

As we continue through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to patience as our next topic. This, for me, was a difficult thing to master, and I still struggle with it at times.

I have had a lifetime of running so fast and forcing everything, so this idea of being patient and waiting for things to happen in their own time was foreign to me. I had to learn to be patient for everything… for results of my actions, for Source to show up with results to my actions.

I found that I needed to take an action and then turn my attention to the next indicated thing to do, the next thing that appeared on my path to do. In other words, I needed to take the action and then let go of results.

To do this, I needed patience. I developed it with a great deal of constant reminder to keep my fingers out of the affair and let Source work for me, in its own time.

Once we develop patience, allowing the Universe to work for us, not forcing results, a calmness appears in our lives. Like the patina that grows over time on the gate in the photo, there is a beautiful quality to being patient. It furthers our sobriety.

It becomes second nature to take action and let go of forcing a result. Try it and see how it feels for you. One key is identifying the ways in which we force things, the ways in which we are impatient. Once we can do this, then it becomes easier to remind ourselves to wait, to have patience.

When we develop the art of patience, we will discover that calmness which adds to our level of emotional peace and serenity. It will further our sobriety, as we are not trying to force things all the time.

Spend some time identifying ways in which you lack patience… with yourself, with others, with situations. Try to remind yourself to be patient when you find yourself becoming impatient. Over time, it will become second nature to you, and you will discover the delightful art of patience.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, patience, peace, sober, sobriety

The Benefit of Perseverance in Sobriety

July 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Rolls of Perseverance

As we continue through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to perseverance. It is the next step in our journey to sobriety and inner peace.

I must first interject an acknowledgement about my lack of postings for the past two days. I get involved in the morning in a project and before I know it, it is 4:00 pm. And I discover I have not yet blogged.

Thinking that it’s too late in the day to blog, I decide to save it for the next day. And then the next day, I do the same thing. That is what happened the past two days. I am involved in my script for my talk that is occurring this Sunday in Novato, CA. http://carolyncjjones.eventbrite.com/

It’s not an excuse; rather, it is a way of letting you know what happens to me on the days I don’t blog. And so I apologize if you came to visit and were disappointed. I am hopeful you found past articles to satisfy you.

Now, back to perseverance and why it’s important in sobriety…

If we fail at any of our attempts in the process of getting and staying sober and finding peace, we just keep moving forward… we persevere in our attempts. We do not beat ourselves up because we have not reached the vision of who we want to be.

Beating yourself up and putting yourself down for not finding success in your attempts on your first try are self-defeating. Think, rather, that you choose to keep moving through any unsuccessful attempts.

Keep trying until you are successful in your endeavors. Repeat over and over, if necessary. Celebrate your attempt that you took in the first place. In other words, celebrate the trying.

“I struggle to not become discouraged, or to think I am a failure, because I have not achieved in my first few attempts the vision of myself as I wish to be. Instead, I try to hold tightly to that vision, awaiting my efforts to catch up with the way I am seen by my heart.

“Through practice and perseverance, I am learning and growing.”

Whatever your endeavor, whatever you are trying to achieve in your sobriety and your path to peace, keep trying until you are successful. Think of it as learning to walk, and recall how that took continual practice and “failure.”

I put “failure” in quotes because nothing is a failure… it is just another attempt to grow and heal, to keep sober and to find peace. So keep trying until your actions and thoughts match your desires. Keep persevering.

Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success. This is what persevering means, according to Webster. If you are continually running into blocks and walls, however, consider that you’re headed in the wrong direction. I invite you to change course.

I wish you well on your efforts to become the person you wish to be. May it enhance your sobriety and help you on your journey to peace.

The Art of Forgiveness

July 6, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

We are starting today at the first tier in the forgiveness process. This is the place where we have defined why we are withholding our forgiveness and from whom. Overnight, we sat with the emotions that arose for us.

This morning, we have become willing to look at the resentment we hold against those who have wronged us because we want emotional peace and we want something different for ourselves in our sobriety, in our life.

Forgiveness is for us, not the other person. Yet, it does often benefit the other person as well. By forgiving, we are in no way condoning what occurred as right. It was not. Yet, we can get to a place of forgiveness even though that is true.

Having said all of that, let me say that there is tremendous freedom in forgiveness, and that is what allowed me to reach emotional peace in my sobriety. This is how it happened.

I was about 3 years sober and was doing a self-appraisal about my romantic relationships, looking at all the ways I contributed to their demise, being accountable where I erred. What I realized was, I would get drunk and yell at each of them how worthless they were, that they would never amount to anything.

I was appalled to remember I had said those things! I didn’t mean them. I said them because that’s how I was feeling about myself. Knowing how terrible I was feeling at that time, I started to feel compassion for that woman who was in so much pain that she lashed out at another human’s spirit, denigrating it, for that was a terrible thing to do and say.

Wow. That was powerful when I looked at it in that way, allowing compassion to come into my being. For when I saw myself with compassion, I was able to then see the person who used to yell at ME that I was worthless and would never amount to anything, with compassion for what he might have been feeling when he said those things to me.

I began to realize he was so very young and was dealing with his own wounds. I say that not to excuse his actions, but to lend some understanding to him, and especially given that I had done the very same thing. He was an emotionally and spiritually sick man, I have come to understand over the years. I feel compassion for the sick man he was, and he has changed.

Armed with the knowledge that people do bad things, sometimes because they are emotionally and spiritually sick, I began to apply this thought and heart process to other incidences and people. I found myself getting to forgiveness, even if I had not repeated their behaviors myself. I have to say, there has never been a more freeing sensation for me, a feeling of deep peace.

I’d like to stress that the first step of forgiveness is identifying the incident for which you cannot forgive and acknowledging it, looking at it, feeling how wronged you were. If you skip this step, it is glossing over the damage that was done to you, so be sure to feel how the damage has affected you in your life.

The second step is to look at the situation and determine if you provoked the person and they were responding as any human being might. If this is the case, own your behavior, be accountable for it, and give up the anger you feel toward the other. Apologies may be in order…

Once you identify and feel the damage that was done to you, it is time to bring compassion to yourself, a wounded person. Be careful not to cross the line into self-pity here; you just want to feel empathy for that wounded person… yourself. Hold yourself in that space of compassion and empathy until you feel some relief from your anger. Then, consider the other person as a fallible and emotionally wounded person.

By repeating this, over time, the anger begins to fade a little at a time, and one day, you will find yourself at forgiveness.

You can do this and can soar to new heights that, up until now, you have only dreamed of. Isn’t that something you want for yourself?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgiveness, how to forgive, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, the art of forgiveness

Freedom of Forgiveness in Sobriety

July 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Tiers of Forgiveness

Perhaps one of the most rewarding things that comes to us in sobriety, when we are able to do it, is the freedom of forgiveness. Once we are able to forgive others for their wrongs, and then forgive ourselves, we will experience deeper peace and serenity.

It has been my experience that forgiveness happens in tiers or stages, over time. Just as the baby tears which grew by this gate in this picture evolved over time and are beautiful, so can forgiveness grow over time, and is beautiful when it occurs.

How do we get to forgiveness when someone has wronged us, led us to a life of anger and resentment over those wrongs? “Ruined” us emotionally… Made our life a shambles… Is the cause of our emotional misery…

How can we let go of this seething power which has control over us, and why in the world would we even WANT to let go of it? We are, after all, justified in our indignation!

This was me when I reached sobriety. I had spent my life being resentful and miserable because of incidents from my childhood. It had left me deeply scarred. It affected me every single day in one way or another and prevented me from having lasting emotional peace.

Everyone kept saying to me, “Get over it. Move on.” Except I couldn’t; that’s what I’d done with my drinking and drugging… tried to get over it. It didn’t work; I numbed out instead to avoid the feelings of shame, worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair. Of course, at the time, I could not name these, I just knew I was miserable – still angry, definitely not experiencing serenity and peace on a lasting basis.

Yet now, I experience serenity and peace every day. It is a place of calm from which my actions, thoughts, and emotions well. I have resolved my anger, my resentment, and have forgiven those who wronged me. That was the piece which was missing for me, which prevented me from finding emotional peace and serenity.

At this point, I need to tell you how I got to that place of forgiveness, but this piece is getting long. Instead, I will save it for tomorrow. I suggest that what you do between now and tomorrow’s post is to do some work around who or what you cannot forgive. Recognize who/what you cannot forgive and clearly define why. See what emotions surface and try to sit with them for a bit. Feel in your heart how wrong their action was.

Then turn your attention 180 degrees. Consider how this has consumed your life and darkly colored it. Do you want something different for yourself? Consider the possibility that you can leave this misery behind and create a new story and become willing to hear about how. Then, wait for tomorrow’s post which will describe how I found the freedom of forgiveness.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Kindness Will Further Your Sobriety

July 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Curls of Kindness

Once we have clarified our morals, truths, and integrities, it is time to look at our actions. Do we come across to others as kind? Are we kind to ourselves?

Showing kindness is one of the most single, powerful things we can do to promote peace. It will also benefit our sobriety, as when we are kind to others and ourselves, we know a sense of serenity.

When we show kindness, we have a good feeling about ourselves. Being kind feeds our ability to be kind to more people. And, when we show ourselves kindness, we feed our soul, we celebrate ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but when I go out in public to, say, the grocery store, I sometimes listen to parents talk to their children in a very unkind way. That denigrates their being, squashes their spirit.

Sometimes, the words that come out of our mouth are unkind, but we can always apologize for that and make an amend by being kind in the future dealings with people.

How do you display kindness to others? Do you consciously try to be kind, or do you not think about it? You might try thinking about it, as showing kindness will further your sobriety and your emotional strength. It will lead the way to peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acts of kindness, how to find peace, inner peace, kindness, living sober, peace, random acts of kindness, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Compassion in Sobriety – Part 2

June 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The second part of the definition of compassion states that it is sympathy or sorrow shown toward another or others. I propose that this definition be expanded to include ourselves.

Our first thought may be, “this is selfish.” But if you think about it, why shouldn’t we each have access to the same sorrow and sympathy to which others have access, when it comes to our realizations about our downfalls and the wounds behind them?

By showing ourselves compassion in this case, we allow the grieving process to begin. If we grieve about our downfalls and the wound(s) associated with it, if there is a wound, we avoid going into self-pity. Thus, we keep ourselves from playing small.

Instead, we can step into being with our humanness. In other words, we see our flaws, our errors, and we take action to correct them, to improve the traits that need improvement.

When we’re in self-pity, we cannot take action. We become paralyzed because all of our energy is going into ourselves. This is when selfishness applies. Having spent most of my life in self-pity, I can now see that it was very selfish of me and it definitely kept me playing small.

The issue of playing small is one which I just learned about in a two-day intensive workshop called Double Your Practice in 90 Days, conducted by Jesse Koren and Sharla Jacobs. This seminar is part of a series referred to as Rejuvenate Training. I had the revelation that, in regard to my efforts in marketing myself as a speaker and a coach, I am playing small, rather than standing tall in the gifts that God has given me.

One such gift is the ability to see the details within the whole picture. It is that gift which allows me to see these details about how compassion aids the journey to sobriety and peace, while holding a space for the overall desire for sobriety and peace. And I have also been given the gift of being able to articulate my thoughts in writing, and then, in speech. So, coming from the space of wanting to be useful to others, I write and I will speak.

It has been fear that has kept me from doing more than the planning stage of my new endeavors to be a speaker and a coach, kept me from making calls to schedule talks, for example. I am afraid of the attention I may get, afraid of rejection, afraid I don’t know what I’m talking about. These are the fears which hold me back. They are false evidence appearing real.

What can I do about it? I can apply compassion for that hurt child whose history includes the experiences which resulted in these feelings. I can experience the sorrow and grief I feel over the loss of a happy childhood. I can get angry over the rejection, the false statements.

In the end, when I’ve gone through the grieving process, I can get to a place of peace about it, a place of acceptance. And this allows me to heal, so that I can show up for myself in the world. When I can show up for myself, then I can show up for you, and I am able to become of service to you. It becomes a continual dance between showing up for each other and ourselves that is beautiful and evokes peace. So, tell me, why would showing yourself compassion be selfish?

Today, look at the list you created yesterday. Look at each way in which you feel sorry for yourself and figure out why doing that makes you small. Then trace that wound that leads you to be small, back to its origin. When you discover what that is, determine what feelings you are experiencing because of it. Apply compassion. Let yourself feel sympathy and sorrow for yourself and the person who endured the wound(s), and who experiences those feelings.

This seems like a lengthy process. At first it may feel awkward and clumsy, and it may take time to do. With practice, it becomes easier and less time-consuming. I invite you to try it. It will further your sobriety and will contribute to your peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, compassion for myself, compassion for others, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Compassion in Sobriety – Part 1

June 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fields of Compassion

If you’re new to this blog, welcome. The goal of this site is to help you to get and stay sober, and to find inner peace. To do that, I am going through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, one topic at a time, one page at a time.

My book is a tribute to the resiliency and beauty of the human spirit. Using photographs of wrought-iron gates and inspirational prose, it tells the story of my journey that occurred as I went into and through sobriety, and how I reached inner peace.

Each day, I show the image from the book, and discuss the associated topic of that photo. Occasionally, I also share the verse that goes with the image.

Today’s topic is compassion. This follows on the heels of self-appraisal, a performance appraisal, if you will. We discussed the importance of doing such an evaluation and how doing one moves us forward in our sobriety. By doing the performance appraisal daily, it helps us to eventually find peace.

We then spoke about being gentle with ourselves when we do the appraisal. Now I’d like to suggest that we also show ourselves compassion as we unearth our undesirable traits, behaviors, and actions. To any embarrassment, shame, or remorse that arises, we send compassion.

What is compassion? Webster defines it as feeling pity or sorrow for the sufferings or troubles of another, accompanied by an urge to help. It is deep sympathy. I have two comments to make about this definition.

I don’t believe people want our pity. Sympathy, perhaps, sorrow, yes, but not pity. Interesting then, how we pity ourselves for our shortcomings, our defects, our lessor traits of character… Maybe we want to look at that so we can learn not to continue doing it, for it is self-defeating, it makes us play small. It is not becoming of one who is sober, and it will restrict our ability to find peace.

Today, as part of learning compassion, return to the performance appraisal again and include, if you didn’t already, the ways in which you feel sorry for yourself. Get really honest about this. Look at it as a fact-finding mission, one which, when compassion is applied, will help you in your journey. It is illuminating when you shine the light on these thoughts, for then you can face them and apply compassion.

Join me tomorrow for Part 2 of Compassion in Sobriety, as I discuss how expanding the definition of compassion to include ourselves, leads us on our journey in sobriety and finding peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, how to live in peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace within, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Be Gentle with Yourself in Sobriety

June 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Bed of Gentleness

Be gentle with yourself as you move forward in your sobriety. This is so very important, so listen… We get so mired in beating ourselves up and criticizing ourselves, that we are beaten down before we even start.

This is so self-defeating. It does nothing except put a damper on our sobriety. It makes us wrong, rather than human. Instead, be as gentle as a bed of ivy…

This is especially true for our work with our performance appraisal. As we look at our shortcomings, we want to be especially gentle with ourselves. I’m not saying we excuse ourselves from our bad behavior, but we can still be gentle with ourselves while we become responsible for ourselves.

We also need to be gentle with others, just as we are with ourselves. Be like that bed of ivy – soft, caressing, swaying in the breeze.

Remember to treat others as we would like to be treated and don’t forget to be gentle with yourself! This is necessary on our path to peace…

Today, practice being gentle to yourself and see how that feels.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: gentle, Gentleness, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, sober, sobriety

Staying Sober Using a Performance Appraisal

June 24, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Search of Self

One of the most powerful tools we can use to get and stay sober is a performance appraisal. This is something we want to learn to do on an on-going, daily basis. Performing a self-appraisal will lead us to peace.

We are looking at all our curls, our shades of tan and rust, so-to-speak, as well as our shadows, our dark side. Right in the middle of it all, we will find our heart, shining brightly.

How do we do a performance appraisal? We begin by listing out our positive points, the ways in which we treat ourselves and others with kindness, tolerance, and respect.

We add to that list the things that we do well. We do this objectively and honestly, knowing that we are not bragging or flaunting our positiveness; rather, we are getting to the bottom of who we are at our core.

Next, we write down all the ways in which we have hurt others, ways we have been intolerant, unkind, disrespectful, ways we have hurt them spiritually. It takes courage to admit to these things, yet, it is necessary to illuminate our being.

Remember, we are looking for our heart that shines, like the knob in the picture above. Once we have listed out our positive and negative aspects, we want to next list out people with which we are angry or resentful, and why. Look at this list carefully. This is the key to the performance appraisal. This is the key to peace.

We look at the third list and notice what has angered us about others’ actions. Now, consider all the times we did the very same things for which we are angry.

Once we discover this, we allow it to sink in to a very deep level. Recognize that we, as well as the other person with whom we are angry, is human, that we are displaying our humanness. We take this information and “be” with it for a while, not to beat ourselves up, but to realize that we, too, do things which are not kind, not tolerant, not respectful. We don’t like to look at these things about ourselves, yet, they are key to finding sobriety and peace.

Given this realization, we can feel our “aha!” moment. Once we realize that we might do the very things we are angry at another for, we can let go of our anger with compassion for both the other person and ourselves.

There will be things for which we are angry that we have not done ourselves, such as abuse. For these, there is a way to get to forgiveness, and we will discuss that when we come to forgiveness.

With our lists, we have a good idea of who we are at a soul level. We can celebrate our positive points and resolve to do things differently to manage our negative side. To do that, we ask for help from our Source. We also talk to someone that we trust to relay what we have found so we don’t keep it bottled up inside to “stew” on.

Today, look at yourself in a new light. Take the time to conduct a performance appraisal and discover the delightful and not-so-delightful things about yourself. Use this list objectively, to improve yourself. Know that once you have looked at yourself in this new light, it is something you want to do daily to keep yourself on track.

Commit to Your Sobriety and Discover the Miracle

June 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Commitment of Journey

You can commit to your sobriety. You can commit to the journey, for it truly is a journey.

What do I mean by committing to the journey? I mean sticking with it, remaining sober, no matter what, no matter what you are feeling or thinking. It will get uncomfortable at times, at least it did for me. And the reward comes by staying sober. That reward is beyond words.

I began experiencing feelings that had been numbed for 27 years, the length of my drinking days. They were extremely painful, so much so, that I sometimes stated that my life was better when I was drinking, that I should start drinking again. But I discovered that was not true.

Some grace kept me sober during those times. Perhaps it was my higher consciousness that knew it would get better, that sobriety was the last stop on the block.

What I so pleasantly discovered one day was how freeing and peaceful sobriety is. In other words, I made it to the other side of my pain and it was well worth the hell I went through.

I have found in sobriety the peace and freedom I looked for in drugs and alcohol, and never could find. I have found it living a sober life and it is ten times more spectacular than I ever could have imagined.

If you decide to commit to the journey of a sober life, it will one day be for you a place of peace and joy, gratitude and love. Know that the journey has no destination, just the continued walk past the leaves, the buds, and other moments. Remember to slow down and notice the little things all around you, all the buds and flowers on your path. If you commit to sobriety and its journey, may you enjoy them. I wish you the best.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Sober Living

Stay Sober with the Trust in a Higher Source

June 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Offer of Trust

As we move forward in our journey into sobriety and my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to the topic of trust. Remember, we are in search of ways to get and stay sober, and to find peace.

Of paramount importance in the journey to and through sobriety, or simply through life, is a trust in Source, or the power of the Universe, or God, or whatever you call that force in the world which guides you, offers you solace, offers you opportunities.This force will take a front seat in your journey, and it will become your companion, your confidant.

This is necessary because when you have difficulty, and want to drink, you can call upon this Source to help you, and it will! It’s the most amazing thing! I came into sobriety just having read the book “Conversations With God” by Neale Donald Walsch, and I was smitten with the idea of God. I believed He was everywhere, in everyone, in me.

This became very important to me when the feelings of my emotions began to surface without alcohol or drugs to numb them, and it was this belief to which I turned to help keep me sober, to lessen the emotional pain I experienced. I got relief, and I was able to keep from drinking, so I kept believing.

But I lost trust as the hurts and pains of my old wounds surfaced in years two and three of sobriety, leading me to feel that God could not be trusted, that I still had to “watch my back.” This lack of trust went on for some time. Even so, some force graciously helped me stay sober, and I thanked that force daily.

At one point, my spiritual advisor suggested I notice every time something good happened in my life that I had not arranged, had not orchestrated. Something that was for my better good, or that fulfilled a piece of my dream. I did what was suggested and started noticing.

Sure enough, little things kept happening that furthered my dreams to become a photographer. Opportunities began to present themselves that I knew nothing about until they showed up. I began to make gains and strides in my healing work.

I finally made the choice to believe there was some guiding force that was grander than me, that would guide me through the maze of life -my emotions, my dreams, my challenges. That force comes to me in small voices in my head, telling me a certain course of action to take, being my conscience, guiding me when I listen to it.

The point is, you need to make the choice to believe in a force greater than yourself to help you stay sober. You do not need to do this alone any more. It is safe to ask for help. There are people waiting for you with out-stretched arms, ones who have done it before and are guiding you. These people show up in your life at just the right time, as if sent by Source.

It is my deepest hope to be considered by you as one of those people with out-stretched arms, guiding you through the process I took to stay sober and find peace. I share my story here to be of use to those of you still suffering, whether with an alcohol or drug problem or just plain emotional turmoil not complicated with substance abuse. May you find something in my words to further your journey in a positive manner.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: God, higher power, living sober, sober, sober liviing, sobriety, Source, trust in a higher power, trust in God, trust in Source

Have Joy, Wonder, and Peace When You Live Your Dream

May 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Moments of Wonder

The exciting news is that once you have gone through the process I have been blogging about, you will find joy, wonder, and peace. This is especially true when you are following your dream.

You can make the conscious choice to experience joy and wonder, and when you do, you will know peace. Let’s consider wonder first.

Promise of Peace

If you approach everything as if it is a gift, an amazing creation, you will begin to see the world with eyes of wonder. Everything will seem to be a miracle in its creation.

Consider the image Moments of Wonder, above and to the left. I took that photo in February 2004, and it wasn’t until November of that year that I noticed the star. Now it is all I see. And in the moment I noticed it, I was filled with wonder. Hence, its title.

When you choose to see everything in wonder and awe, you will notice you are experiencing joy on a regular basis. This joy will be a feeling of delight and excitement in everything you do and experience.

Burst of Joy

I never thought I would ever in my life experience joy. For 48 years until I got sober, and then about three years of my sobriety, I was mired in bitterness and anger, hurt and pain… confusion. Then, I discovered forgiveness.

Since that point, I have been able to experience joy. It was such a new experience that I had difficulty receiving it. Today, I am in sync with my emotions and can actually be with joy.

When you are in joy and wonder, you will know peace. It is such a freeing sensation, peace is. It’s like, you see the world in a whole new light, with a deep knowingness.

Today, create wonder in your life for everything you encounter. Remember, it is a choice. When you choose this, you will experience joy, and then, you will experience peace. Give it a try and let us know how it worked for you. Follow your dream. It is the gateway to wonder, joy, and peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: awe, how to find peace, inner peace, joy, joyful, peace, wonder

Have Gratitude For Your Dream

May 24, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Visions of Gratitude

Another thing which will further your dream goal is to have gratitude for its presence in your heart. By having gratitude, you will experience even more good things for which to be grateful.

That’s the thing about it. The more you are grateful, the more comes your way for which to be grateful. It has a snowball effect.

Some people have difficulty being grateful because of the negative which is in their lives. They focus on the negative. They look at life as the glass half empty instead of half full.

If this is you, I invite you to look with new eyes. I invite you to start your day by being grateful you can see when you first wake up in the morning, that you can see the myriad of colors.

This may sound ridiculous. Why would you be grateful for an every day thing? Because that attitude then pervades every fiber of your existence, and it lifts you up rather than bring you down. It is a choice you make, an attitude shift.

Once you establish gratitude for the basic things in your everyday life, you can see the smallest things with gratitude.

The reason I advocate gratitude for your dream is that your dream is your soul speaking. Your dream is your purpose in life, what you were sent here to do with your life for others. Be grateful that the Universe is showing the way through your dream.

Today, practice gratitude for everything in your life. Look at everything from the side of being grateful, as opposed to finding the negative. You will feel more peace in your life if you do.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: grateful, gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Find Your Dream and Live with Acceptance

May 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Path of Acceptance

As you live in acceptance of your dream and fill yourself up with it, you will find life is easier. It will flow more easily, and you will be more at peace.

One of the ways to live in acceptance is to curb your expectations. Having expectations sets up a situation to fail, and if it does, you are left with disappointment, and sometimes that is bitter.

Instead, consider that everything happens for a divine reason and go with the flow of that. It may seem illogical or out-of-synch with your desires, but maybe there is something better coming your way.

When you live in acceptance of your life, it is easier to live in acceptance of your dream. Remember, your dream is your soul speaking to you, urging you to follow those desires.

Today, consider your life as it is, take action where appropriate, and live in acceptance of the day, just this day.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: acceptance, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Stop Playing Small – Practice Tolerance

May 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Practice of Tolerance

Another tool to use to help you find your dream is tolerance. If you practice tolerance of the feelings and beliefs that surface on your journey to your dream, it becomes easier to follow the dream itself.

How can that be, you may ask? Well, you may find that the dream itself is unsettling because it asks you to stop playing small in the world and to show up totally. That could be scary for some, terrifying to others.

Tolerance plays a role because you need to be tolerant of the feelings that arise, not sloughing them off, ignoring or minimizing them, or self-medicating to avoid or numb the uncomfortableness that may arise.

As I’ve invited before, consider that the desire you have is a message from your soul, knocking at your heart, looking for a way to get your attention because the dream is your intended purpose in this lifetime.

On the other hand, feelings of elation and joy may occur as you contemplate your dream and you may have difficulty accepting these as signals to move forward in that direction.

You may not feel worthy of this joy, and, if so, I invite you to tolerate the fear. In that way, you acknowledge it and then you can get beyond that fear of having joy in your life.

Today, practice tolerance for your dream, the feelings that it evokes. Be with those feelings so you can grow beyond them. And then, take one more step forward toward your dream.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: tolerance, tolerant

See Your Dream with No Judgment

May 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Absence of Judgment

As you think about your dream, look at it with no judgment. Do not judge it as right or wrong, good or bad. See it in its barest element. Just see it as it is and accept it.

You may be spending a lot of time judging yourself, your dream – second guessing, doubting. At the same time, you may be experiencing a strong call to your dream.

Pay attention to the call, the pull. Consider, if you are judging it, that you are being too hard on yourself.

“Why do we judge ourselves so harshly for being who we are, if our actions and behaviors feed our spirit and are not harmful to ourselves or others?” Excerpt from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

When you stop the judgment of your dream, you will be left with the time and energy to pursue it. When you pursue it, you will find it brings you peace to do so.

The thing about judgment is that it sets you up for failure before you even start. It is a form of negative self-talk. It gives you an excuse not to try to follow it.

Today, consider your dream with no judgment of it. Let it permeate your being. Notice how doing that brings you more peace…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: absence of judgment, finding peace, inner peace, judgment, peace

Respect Your Individuality – Respect Your Dream

May 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Respect of Individuality

Some people may spend a lot of time asking you to be like them, or to be like those around them. You may have expereinced this in life. When this has happened to me, I find it is because they don’t respect my individuality.

But then, do I? Do I respect my own individuality? Not completely. Comparison to others and coming up short on the stick is a concept that is engrained in me from early years. It has been difficult to change from that default, as I have experienced over the years. And, I continue to try…

Do you respect your own individuality? Do you help your individuality to flourish by standing up for who you are? Or are you constantly trying to be like someone else?

If you are standing up for yourself and your individuality, then you must be standing up for your dream. You are celebrating that part of you which wants to be expressed, and are taking action to further this part of you, this dream. That’s awesome. Good for you!

But what if you are not celebrating your dream, not respecting the individuality of it? How can you get to the point of celebration for your dream, so you are in sync with your soul’s desire?

Consider that you were gifted by the Universe with certain skills and natural talents. There is something in your life that comes easily for you, that you are good at. Think about that for a minute and really let it sink in; believe it to be true. Really think about the natural skill you have identified.

Then, consider that you have been gifted this thing for which you have passion and in which you enjoy engaging for the purpose of sharing it with the world. Consider that this is your mission in life. Consider that your people are waiting for you and that your gift is what they’re waiting for.

It is natural to feel a sort of reverence when thought of in this manner, so feel that fully. Then make the decision to step into that role, to take responsibility for your individuality by showing up for your life in service to others.

Practice respect for your individuality today. The more you do this, the more peace you will feel and remember, that is our objective, to feel more peace in our lives, more peace inside. Are you in?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: being an individual, being unique, how to find peace, individual traits, individuality, inner peace, peace, peace of mind

Acknowledge Your Dream

May 18, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Acknowledgment of Others

One of the things you need to do in the pursuit of your dream is to acknowledge yourself for that dream. When you acknowledge your dream, you are saying yes to the Universe.

The urgings of your heart are there for a reason…. Your soul wants you to pay attention to the messages it is sending in the form of a dream.

I know this image’s title is Acknowledgment of Others, yet in the verse that accompanies it in the book, it talks about acknowledging yourself also. So, consider that the title is Acknowledgment of Others and Yourself.

It is okay to acknowledge yourself, to give some consideration to your thoughts, your desires, and your dream. Again, once you acknowledge these things, the Universe steps up to match your acknowledgment.

We get our strength from others, as well as from within. That is what the little “beings” are doing in the photo… they are looking at each other to represent turning to others, and they have their “backs” to each other to represent the turning inward that is necessary for us each to regroup.

Acknowledge your dream not only to yourself, but to others as well. Speak of it to them so that it becomes firm in your mind and heart. Ferret out the details of the dream, until you are very familiar with it, until the details are second nature to you.

Today, recognize that you need to acknowledge your dream before the Universe can step in and help you out. Happily tell the world about your dream and your plans to follow it. That is all part of what it means to acknowledge it.

When you put your intention out there, all sorts of things start to happen to further your dream. As you follow it, you will start to know peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: acknowledge, acknowledgment, finding peace, inner peace, peace

How Patience Fulfills Your Dream

May 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Patina of Patience

One of the most useful tools to use while fulfilling your dream is patience. And I don’t mean standing around, tapping your toe, waiting for something to happen.

No, I mean patience after you have taken action in some way. Here’s how it goes… You have identified your dream, that which resonates with your heart.

You have made the decision to attain this dream and have listed out the steps it will take to get there. You have taken the first action and you are waiting to see what results from it.

While you are waiting, notice anything that shows up in your path for which action is needed, and do that. Otherwise, do the next indicated thing to do.

In other words, do the next thing on your list. While you are waiting for the results of that action, notice anything new that comes up on your path and attend to that. Otherwise, do the next indicated thing on your list. And so forth…

Soon, you will have gotten a long way toward your goals and you will have received feedback from the Universe, letting you know to proceed in your current direction or to alter your course.

How will you know what the Universe is saying to you? Doors will open or close, and because you are following up on those opportunities that are presented to you, it will become obvious the direction in which to head.

One thing I must mention is what I realized when I became a few years sober. I realized how much I forced things to go my way. I would take action toward a goal, and then not be patient and wait for a result. Instead, I would keep pushing the issue. I didn’t know how to practice patience.

This was a source of much unnecessary misery which you can avoid by practicing patience as you work toward your dream. And, it will bring you closer to your ultimate goal of peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: being patient, how to find peace, inner peace, patience, peace, practicing patience

Living Your Dream Takes Perseverance

May 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Rolls of Perseverance

It take lots of perseverance on your part to fulfill your dream. The bottom line is, it’s your job to follow through and take action to move things along to fulfillment.

And the thing about perseverance is this: sometimes when you take action, you will get nowhere. It will seem like doors are slamming in your face.

When this happens, know that the Universe may be sending you a signal that you are going in the wrong direction. When you are going in the right direction, everything will fall into place easily.

However, there are times when even though you’re going in the right direction, you aren’t making progress. In that case, try to be the impartial observer as you review the steps you have taken to move things along. Make adjustments as you identify ways to improve what actions you’ve taken and what you are planning to do.

If after that assessment you think you are going in the right direction, then try to change your tactic a bit and see if that gets better results. The secret is to practice perseverance.

It is tempting at times to give up on the dream, especially if discouraged because you are getting nowhere, or making very little progress.

Today, I invite you to get clear in your heart what you are trying to accomplish, who you are trying to serve and why. With that reminder, gain the strength to continue to try. The reward is astounding peace.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, perseverance, persevere

Hope Quote – We Have Hope When We Follow Our Dream

May 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Ray of Hope

It is 5:30 am Sunday morning and I have been up since midnight. I just popped awake, and decided to get up. Finally, I have made some sense and order of my inbox.

I sit on the enclosed porch and watch the sky to the east. It has turned a shade of dark gray. The traffic noise from nearby Highway 101 is still… I hear two birds singing. It is a reverent time of the day for me, a time in which I connect to Source.

After accepting yourself fully, hope comes to you. “A ray of light across the bars of my being lights the way… instills hope in my heart.”

You have accepted your dream as a part of who you are, part of your soul, and you have committed to follow that dream. This fuels your hope that your life can be fulfilling.

***********

It is now Monday morning at 5 am; I have been up since three. And I am wondering how the day slipped away yesterday, such that I never finished the blog post! I am having hope that I can get back on a daily schedule and not forget to blog… lol

Being in a state of hopelessness is a devastating place to be. When I was there at that point, I prayed to God to let me die. I saw no point to life as I was experiencing it.

Then something happened that gave me hope. I discovered my purpose, that my life had a purpose. For me, it is to share with you the message of self-love and love of others, to share about how to forgive so you can make peace with your life.

Today, look for hope through your purpose in life. What are your talents and skills? Who can you serve? When you figure out who you can serve, you will most likely have discovered your dream. And when you do, you’re well on your way to peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: finding peace, hope, hope quote, hopelessness, inner peace, peace

Practice Self-Acceptance to Fulfill Your Dream

May 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Acceptance of Self

When you fulfill your dream, the urgings of your heart, you are practicing self-acceptance. Why is that, you may ask?

Your dream is a part of who you are, a part of your make-up. When you say yes to it, when you follow those urgings of your heart, you are expressing that part of you that is God-given, the part of you that is your purpose in life.

You see, your purpose in life is relayed to you in the dream you hold in your heart. To embrace it is to practice self-acceptance.

You have looked at yourself through the self-appraisal you completed. In that appraisal, you will have identified your strong points, and one of them was most likely about your dream.

If not, re-work that part of your self-appraisal to include all the things about yourself to which you aspire, and then identify the strengths you possess that will aid in you reaching those aspirations.

Practicing self-acceptance is a very spiritual place to be. It is a place of deep knowingness that you are okay, that you are perfect just where you are in life and the way you are in life.

You are open to seeing areas where you would like to improve yourself, and you work on those. You will use all the keys we have discussed thus-far, such as willingness, surrender, trust, and courage.

With your practice, you are moving forward in the path to a deep peace about yourself and your life. When you make the commitment to follow your dream and take action, you will be softly and gently veiled with grace and wonder about all that falls into place for you.

I have recently had that experience. It has been happening for the last 3 months. I had decided to expand my speaking, and suddenly, I was introduced to several workshops about just that – how to become a dynamic speaker.

When I think about why I am speaking, I get a calm sense of knowingness that it is my intended purpose in life. What I am speaking about is the 3 Secrets to Making Peace with Your Life. I feel there are people out there who are experiencing bitterness and misery. Heck, I speak to enough of them! That’s what I experienced for 53 years of my life.

But it changed, and it can change for you, too. Life can become full of great joy and peace. That’s why I blog about the topics in the book – because they go through the process I discovered that led the way to peace. I want to share that with the world.

Today, consider your dream, the tuggings of your heart. Think about how you would feel if that came true. Keep that vision in your heart, and accept that dream, that vision, as a part of who you are. Practice self-acceptance.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, path to peace, peace, performance review, self-acceptance, self-appraisal

The Power of Forgiveness

May 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Tiers of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a powerful tool to use to get you closer to living your dream. Once you learn to forgive, you will find that you have more energy to devote to it.

How do you know that you need to forgive? If you hold grudges or are bitter toward another, you are a candidate for learning forgiveness.

Grudges and bitterness rob you of a great deal of energy. Rather than expending it on your resentments, you will be freed up to devote that same energy to your dream.

Furthermore, because the energy you now have will be positive, you will move more quickly through the process to fulfill your dream and reach peace.

You see, the main reason you are learning to live your dream is so that your soul will be in synch with your purpose, and you will know peace as a result.

I explain in greater detail the process of forgiveness in my article which you get when you opt-in to my website, or in other words, when you leave your email. I will be setting this up next week, so feel free to return and leave your email.

The article talks about the effect that lack of forgiveness produces, as well as how I achieved it from a life of bitterness and misery. I then give the specific actions to follow that will lead you, too, to forgiveness.

Basically, it involves six stages:

Identify the person against whom you are bitter and holding a grudge.
Feel in your heart how they have wronged you. Feel the hurt beneath these feelings, maybe confusion over betrayal…
Offer yourself compassion, a wounded person in need of comfort.
Consider that this person is and was a wounded person, whose wounds led them to the action they took against you.
See that person with compassion, just as you would any wounded person.
Allow the resentment to melt away a little at a time until you can forgive.

You may find yourself re-visitng old issues, and this is okay. They are being brought up for you to look at so you can heal. Try to sit with them without self-medicating or escaping them. Once you apply compassion, they will begin to resolve.

Today, ferret out the grudges and resentments you hold against others, as well as yourself. Follow the process I have outlined above and see if you can get a bit of the resentment to melt away. Keep doing that process until you have achieved forgiveness.

What is it like for you to forgive? What does it feel like?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace

Practice Kindness As You Pursue Your Dream

May 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Curls of Kindness

Practicing kindness, being kind to others and ourselves, furthers our journey to living our dream. By showing kindness, we ignite the giving and receiving dance that occurs between two beings when they feel they are in a safe and loving space. That, in turn, fuels the courage to pursue our dream.

The curls of the gate on your right are difficult to see in this small photo, yet they are there and are why the terms curls and kindness are paired together.

You see, as each curl extends itself outward, touching another, it then curls back upon itself. Kindness is like that. When you extend it, it is returned to you in like fashion.

As each curl joins another, it represents the power you receive from that other, allowing you the courage to pursue your dream. You thrive with the support and kindness from that person.

If you take on the practice of random acts of kindness, then you have arrived at a glorious state. It feels so good to offer kindness to another and to see their face light up with a smile in response to your words or actions. That is the reward you gain, the gift you receive – knowing you helped another fellow human being.

The thing about kindness is that most people are not expecting it, and so when they receive it, they are caught off-guard, displaying in their reaction more of their inner self. That is always so beautiful to witness.

Don’t forget to give yourself kindness. Convert your negative self-talk into kind words uttered for all of your actions taken and words spoken. Make it a habit to show yourself random acts of kindness, for you, too, can use that bolstering. We all can. It feeds our soul.

Today, fill your soul with happiness and courage to pursue your dream. Practice giving and receiving kindness in your life.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: acts of kindness, kindness, random acts of kindness, random kindness

Stand in Your Own Morals, Truth, and Integrity

May 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Pillar of Strength

When you stand in your own morals, truth, and integrity, you will have the strength of a pillar. This is in opposition to taking on everyone else’s morals, truth, and integrity.

I did that in order to keep peace in my marriage… became my husband’s beliefs and actions. Meanwhile, my soul died a little at a time until I, as a person, was no longer visible.

Good morning. I am back and I regret not posting a note saying I’d be gone at a workshop for a few days, and would return the following (this) week. The thing is, I took my computer, fully planning on blogging every morning. But I found myself too exhausted to do so.

Please pardon my silent voice for these past several days… Thank you to those of you who continued to visit in my absence…

I am back and talking today about how you can reach your dream and find peace by following your own heart, your own morals, truth, and integrity.

It is so important that you be you in life. You have a special light to offer the world in whatever is “your way,” and the way to that end is achieved by bringing who you are into the light.

This includes looking at your morals, the things you tell yourself about right and wrong and then your actions in carrying them out in your life.

Looking at your truth(s) takes some investigation and discovery. It is whatever resonates with your heart when you hear a statement made about your core belief(s). I don’t know how else to describe the experience other than that bells and whistles go off in your head, and your heart swells with emotion. Whatever it is that leads to that feeling is your truth.

Your integrity is the quality or state of being of sound moral principle. It is how you show up to others, maintaining your truth when you are around others or even just yourself.

When you stand in your morals, truth, and integrity, you are taking a stand for yourself. The forces of the Universe line up when this occurs and it sends you assistance with your endeavors. It sends you strength to move past your fear.

Try to let go of pleasing others. Look at where that desire comes from, what the old message is, and attempt to conquer that thought, feeling, and belief by offering yourself compassion for the wounded person that you were and still are.

It is frightening to step out and be yourself at first, and the good news is that it gets easier as you do it more. The rewards you will reap are tremendous, including an improved self-esteem, confidence, and love. When you can stand in your own morals, truth, and integrity, you are furthered on your journey to peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, integrity, morals, peace, truth

Offer Yourself Compassion for Your Dream

May 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fields of Compassion

You may be afraid to follow your dream. If so, offer yourself compassion for the fear, for that (likely) small child receiving that wound – terrified.

Then give yourself some compassion for the wounds that caused the fear. Let yourself feel the hurt and pain that wound produced, using doses of compassion when it gets difficult to feel your feelings.

Offer it to yourself because you are wounded. You have been struck with a sliver to the heart and it has festered all these years, creating a barrier for love to flow in and out , back and forth between you and the world.

Compassion is your ability to feel sympathy or sorrow for another’s suffering, usually associated with a desire to help.

In this case, it is the sorrow your soul feels for the suffering you have had over the years. Have you been miserable emotionally, hiding that misery from others with things such as self-medicating, blaming others for it?

Know that you can admit to the feelings. In fact, it is better to acknowledge them, so you can feel and deal with them. Hopefully, you apologized to yourself for having the belief that you are alone in the world, for you are not. Know that there are people waiting to help and support you.

Back to “getting over it.” When you are told to just get over the pain and resentment, a disservice has just been done to you, and it is detrimental to your healing, in my humble opinion. Offer yourself compassion for that guilt you feel over the comment, for your thought that there is something wrong with you, that you “should” be able to get over “it,” whatever “it” is…

There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing your own timetable in your healing. This is assuming you are taking action to heal, as opposed to doing nothing and blaming.

It has been my experience that I needed to look at my emotions carefully. That was nearly impossible, as I couldn’t even identify them, let alone name them. It took longer for me than for other people.

At times, the people I would vent to were unavailable , either not present physically or emotionally. I cannot blame them. In fact, I send them my gratitude for their compassionate hearts and offer THEM compassion for the draining times they had listening to my woes.

Well, I have meandered with this concept of compassion and offering it to ourselves. I love free-form writing, stream-of-consciousness… One other thing to note is that compassion is an integral part of forgiveness, which, if we want to make peace with our lives, we need to extend to others and to ourselves. Compassion is a salve to use during this process.

How do you show compassion to yourself? Have you ever used it to get to peace?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, compassion, compassionate, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, how to have compassion, inner peace, peace

Show Gentleness to Yourself as You Heal and Grow

May 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Bed of Gentleness

There is nothing quite like showing yourself gentleness to speed along your healing and growth processes.

It will go a long way toward helping you to overcome the desire to beat yourself up, or to criticize yourself, not only during the appraisal portion of your journey, but throughout your journey.

Cut yourself some slack. I’m not advocating you pat yourself on the back for unkind and uncaring behaviors, but I am saying to allow yourself to be human with failings.

The thing about your failings, your short-comings is that you can choose to change them into victories, lessons to learn.

I am advocating you take a long, hard, honest look at yourself, using humility to do so. And I am advocating that you show yourself gentleness as you do that looking. Beating yourself up is counter-productive.

Feeling regret or remorse over some action, words, or behavior? Be gentle; recognize that you did the best you could at the time. If you’d have known better, you would have done better.

Now you have the opportunity to change anything you did that you don’t like, or, at the very least, to get some peace from your regrets. Be gentle with yourself as you go about making those changes.

Allow yourself to slowly and gently reveal yourself to yourself and others. Showing gentleness to yourself and others is paramount as you continue on your journey to living your dream and finding peace.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, finding peace, gentle, Gentleness, inner peace, peace, show gentleness to yourself

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