Inspirational and Healing Blog by Carolyn CJ Jones

Worthlessness – What Caused It and How I Overcame It

December 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is early and the sun has not yet begun to rise. I am in a pensive mood today, wondering if I need to let go of my dream to be a speaker and a coach, and focus my energy and attention elsewhere, on another opportunity that has arisen. I saw the search term of “what causes worthlessness” and decided to write about that today.

Most of my life has been spent with the feeling of worthlessness. In my case, it began when I was told most every day that I was worthless. I was told that because I did not excel at intellectual pursuits like my two sisters. Rather, I was of an artistic nature and excelled at writing and other creative endeavors. Those things were not valued by my father, however, who was an intellectual type himself.

The effect that being called worthless had on my later life was devastating. It always was underlying any attempt to better myself, any attempt to heal and to grow. It hit me the most and became known to me when I was drunk. There were many times when all I could do was sob – kean actually, if that’s the right word for it. It was sobbing and wailing at the same time. It was miserable and always left me spent emotionally.

Although when I stopped drinking and got sober the sobbing and wailing stopped, the feelings of worthlessness I carried were always underlying everything I did. They always surfaced and I felt defeated. Even when I worked in a high-level job for State government and initiated a program that got very ill and medically-fragile children out of the hospital ICU and into the home with hourly nursing care, I felt that feeling of worthlessness. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

Today, I do not feel that worthlessness. In fact, I feel like a worthy and worthwhile person. How did that happen? Well, the first thing that happened was I got sober. That allowed me to really feel my worthless feelings and after several years in sobriety, an incident occurred that led to my healing.

I was at a meeting and heard a man share about the emotional turmoil he was experiencing. What he said struck a chord with me, and I went to talk to him after the meeting. I listened as he further described his feelings, and then I relayed my experience with early abuse, and how I had begun to heal from it. I relayed books I had read which were helpful. I offered my therapist’s name and number. I offered understanding and kindness.

He was so grateful for my input that he almost cried. As I walked to my car, I realized I had been of use to him. Relaying my experiences and how I had begun to heal had helped him. In a flash, it hit me that talking about these things to another person was of use, of service. Suddenly, my life and all my experiences had a purpose, and my feelings of worthlessness began to heal in that instant, as I began to see myself as a worthwhile person.

It took a few more years to fully overcome my feelings of worthlessness, and I worked diligently to identify them when they surfaced. I engaged in positive self-talk when they came up, reminding myself I was a person of worth simply because I am on this planet. Today, I occasionally feel worthless, but it is a rare occasion, and I can work my way out if it.

It has been my experience that feelings of worthlessness can begin to resolve by being of service to another, to others. Further healing can occur when positive self-talk is used to combat those feelings when they arise. The reward is feeling whole, feeling happy.

Do you deal with feelings of worthlessness? If you do, I send my deepest compassion, for I know how debilitating it can be. I invite you to try being of service to another, and from that, gain appreciation for who you are as a person at your core, for at your core, you are a worthy and worthwhile person.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: sober, sobriety, unworthy, worthlessness, worthy

Rewards of Sobriety

December 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning on this foggy morning in the Bay Area. I was sitting on the front enclosed porch with my coffee, watching the day awaken, and the sky got a pink glow to it as the sun rose. Pretty soon, I was surrounded in pink. It was beautiful.

That is one of the biggest rewards of sobriety – being able to enjoy a sunrise without being hung over. I love not having hangovers. Used to be that I awoke and was badly hung over for about 6 hours, so much so that I couldn’t function, had to eat hot burritos from Taco Bell or a greasy thigh from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After I felt better, I functioned until 5 pm, when I started drinking and did it all over again.

What a miserable existence that was. I was missing out on experiencing things like sunrises. But in sobriety, I enjoy them and so much more. In sobriety, I find I am able to open my heart in a very genuine way to others and to myself. The feeling of really caring about another, seeing them with gentleness and kindness, is so soothing to my spirit.

Compassion is another emotion I am able to feel in sobriety and that allows me to connect with others in a very intimate way. My soul is fed when that happens. It has led me to forgiveness.

Perhaps the biggest reward of sobriety is my ability to look at myself – my actions, words, behaviors – and be responsible for them, fully responsible. It is humbling at times as I realize how I’ve treated another poorly, or treated myself poorly, had negative thoughts about myself, beat myself up. Being responsible for myself and my behavior has led me to inner peace, as I can settle the score with myself and others as I go through the day.

The reward of sobriety for me also includes being able to care for others in a deep and meaningful way. It’s hard to describe the feeling that evokes, but it feels great! I also have much more patience, and I allow others to be themselves, accepting them as they are.

So, a lack of hangovers, feeling more kindness, gentleness and compassion toward others, being self-responsible, and generally being more aware of my physical surroundings are my rewards of sobriety.

What are the rewards of sobriety that you experience? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, humble, humility, living sober, peace, peace of mind, rewards of sobriety, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Manage Resentment

December 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I spent 38 years of my life carrying a resentment against my parents for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I was a bitter, angry person, filled with self-pity. I drank heavily, saying, “You’d drink too if you’d had an upbringing like mine.” The thing is, the resentment was only hurting myself, and did nothing to move me forward in life.

Resentment is defined by Webster as a feeling of bitter hurt or indignation, from a sense of being injured or offended. In recovery circles, it is distinguished from anger by the thought that a resentment means to feel again and again.

Today, I have resolved my resentment and enjoy a fine relationship with my parents, as well as with others. How did I do that, get to that place?

First, I looked at what was behind my resentment. I found it was usually because I was hurt or disappointed by something someone did or said. I took that hurt and disappointment and ran with it, feeling it again and again, feeling indignant that “this” was done to me. As I mentioned, I was filled with self-pity.

The second thing I did was to conduct a self-appraisal. This involved looking at my positive points first, and then my negative ones, my negative thoughts, behaviors, and actions. What I discovered was that I had very high expectations, higher than, for example, my parents could meet, given their own wounds they received while growing up. They were incapable of being who and what I wanted them to be. When I realized this, I was able to let go of my expectations and enjoy the positive things that came my way.

Also in that appraisal, I discovered ways in which I had gotten the ball rolling on a resentment. In other words, I did or said something to hurt another and they reacted in a human way back to me. I then resented them for how they reacted. But I started the whole affair. I had to learn to identify my part in things, and in the case of resentment, I found it was caused usually by my behavior and actions.

That was an embarrassing thing for me to realize, as I thought I was “justified” in my resentment, but when I saw that I started the whole thing, I had to let go of the resentment. I had to learn to identify what was behind the resentment and it was most often hurt.

It was also because I was disappointed by something and blamed it on the person I thought disappointed me. After doing my appraisal, identifying when I was disappointed, I began to learn not to expect anything from anyone. This way, when something happened that was nice, it was a pleasant surprise.

To recap, my resentment was almost always caused by my high expectations that someone couldn’t meet, or by something I did or said to get the ball rolling. How did I get past my resentments?

Well, after the self-appraisal, I began to develop compassion for others. For example, when I allowed myself to look at my parents and what they endured during their childhood, I began to realize they were just repeating what was done to them. Knowing what that was like, I felt compassion for their childhood, and for them. From this compassion, I was able to forgive. That does not mean I condone what happened; it just means I am pardoning their behavior, having seen its root causes.

I hope this is helpful information that you can put to use now or in the near future. Here’s to the resolution of resentment in your life.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living Tagged With: compassion, forgiveness, how to forgive, how to manage resentment, resentment

Gratitude for Another Day

December 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and I hope your Christmas day was filled with gratitude – for the day’s blessings and for staying sober. One person searched for Christmas day, their first day sober. Today is their second and I hope it goes well for them.

Visions of Gratitude

Today I’m talking about gratitude for yet another day, and specifically, for my sobriety. I am very grateful for the day of sobriety on Christmas day. There were times in my life when staying sober on Christmas was very difficult, but I made it through by expressing gratitude throughout the day.

I keep my eye and heart on the abundance I am experiencing, rather than the scarcity. For example, my sister sent several gifts for me to put under the tree, and I am so grateful she did. It completed the feeling of Christmas. It led me to feel wanted, appreciated and I am grateful.

If I’d had no gifts, I could have been grateful for the tree and the joy it brings to the room. If I’d had no tree, I could have expressed gratitude for my home, my cat, food, and my health. The point is, there is always something to be grateful for, even if it is the smallest thing.

When I was first sober, I had difficulty showing gratitude for anything. I was too mired in the emotional pain I felt over my past. I went through a period of great anger and sadness over those feelings, those experiences.

It wasn’t until I’d done some healing work that I was able to write a gratitude list, listing out the basic things for which I was grateful. It included things like being grateful for my abilities at renovation. You saw the results of my renovation skills yesterday, in the picture of the van I rebuilt.

I am most grateful for those skills, as I am for other abilities I have. Today, I am grateful for my past, as it has made me into what and who I am today, with knowledge of what it’s like to be abused, so I can relate to others who have been or are being abused, so I can offer words of encouragement, support, so I can relay what happened to me to led me to be grateful for the abuse.

That story is another post. Today, I invite you to make a gratitude list, listing out the most simple and basic things for which you are grateful. When I made a gratitude list, I found that as I listed out those things, I was able to express gratitude for more and more things. It became a self-perpetuating situation, a little grew and grew until I was grateful for every little thing.

I wish for you gratitude for another day, another day of sobriety, if you are a sober person. If you practice gratitude, I hope it lifts your spirits. Have a pleasant day, filled with gratitude.

Filed Under: Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: attitude of gratitude, grateful, gratitude, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

A Christmas Story of Gratitude

December 25, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

the van I designed and built

It was December, 2003, and I was traveling from Denver, where I’d been living since June, to Baja to run into the guy for whom I had the hots. That’s a whole other story… I was traveling in my full-sized Dodge camper van that I had gutted and redone in cherrywood, designed to look like a boat.

It was the 23rd and I pulled into a mobile home and RV park outside of Tucson. When I registered, they said the Christmas party was that night and if I came and brought a gift, I got one in exchange.

I found my spot and got settled in with my traveling companion, my 19 year old cat, Maynard. I went through the van, looking for something suitable for a gift, and finally decided upon a Christmas candle I’d had for years but never had lit. Ah, this will work, I thought. I wrapped it in a Viva paper towel, and tied the ribbon with fancy yarn I had for weaving.

While I was looking around, I sent up a prayer to the Universe, asking for something small as a gift because I didn’t have much space available.

Feeling pleased I was offering a suitable gift, I headed off to the party. The first thing I noticed was that everyone that was coming had lavishly wrapped presents, with ribbons and bows. I felt small in comparison. I was ashamed of my gift. I decided to stay anyway.

The next thing I noticed was everyone was drinking wine except me. Ah, wonderful, I said to myself. The only alcoholic in the bunch. I felt singled out and awkward, but I still stayed. I was after that gift I was going to get because it was the only gift I was getting for Christmas that year.

My turn came down the line, and when it was my turn, I went up to the tree and looked for something small. The only small gift left was one the size of a VHS tape. Wonderful, I thought. Perfect. I opened it and it was wine glass stem rings, markers. They were Santas, Christmas trees, a snow man. There were six of them. Ah, great, I grumbled to myself in huge disappointment. The only alcoholic in the bunch and I have to get the wine glass markers!

I was feeling sorry for myself, and although the rule was I could pick someone else’s gift, I noticed no one else was doing that and I didn’t want to be the only one. I walked back to the van, highly bummed. As I sat on the side step of the van looking out at the night, I was filled with self-pity over the gift I couldn’t use. I got up and put it in the trash.

Suddenly, as I was throwing the wine glass markers away, I thought of my cupboard door handles, pulls, of which I had six. The brilliant idea came to me to put the rings on the door pulls for Christmas decorations. Oh, my goodness! My only Christmas decorations! I realized I had gotten something small, as I’d asked for and it was something to boost my Christmas spirit. I can’t tell you how much my heart soared with joy!

My cherished ornaments

These wine stem markers have become an integral part of my Christmas each year, for I now use them as Christmas tree decorations. They are the first ornaments on the tree. And every year when I place them on the tree, I renew my gratitude for all I receive.

I learned some valuable lessons that day I received these wine glass markers as a gift. First, I learned to be more flexible and creative in my thinking about how to use objects.

Second, I learned to greatly appreciate everything I receive, for I never know what the true purpose or use a gift may have. This has been the most valuable of all that I learned that night in Tucson.

Third, I learned that the Universe, God, or whatever that source is in the world, does send me what I ask for. It just might not be what I was anticipating, but it’s what I asked for.

That ends my tale about my wine stem holders. In closing, I’d like to say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to each of you.

Do you have a tale about Christmas and learning a valuable lesson? I’d love for you to share it with us.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: attitude of gratitude, gratitude

My Sincere Apologies to You, My Readers

December 24, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is with some mortification and certainly much embarrassment that I write today. You see, yesterday I decided to gather together my posts about living sober and see about turning them into articles. As I read them over, I became more and more mortified to realize the approach I was using, how I was talking to you.

My words struck me as preachy, presumptuous. I spout off ways to manage sobriety with blitheness, throwing out the advice to do this, to do that. “You must” this, and “do that.” Boy, that does not come across at all the way it was intended and I did not catch the tone of it when I reread the posts for errors before I posted them. The post “Staying Sober on Christmas Day” was especially preachy, and I truly apologize for that post.

My sincerest apologies for all the preachy, presumptuous posting I have been doing of late. My use of the word “you,” addressing you personally, was intended to be more personal than using the term “they,” or “people.” Also, I needed to preface my statements about ways to change with a statement like, “I invite yo to try…” But the way to remedy this all is to stick with relaying my experiences and then, perhaps, inviting you to join me on that path, that journey, if you so choose.

I realize that I come across as Miss Sobriety, which I am not. I am simply a person who has put some years together, who has found peace in a world of emotional pain, and who is so excited about this, that I want to pass along how I did it so you, too, can experience this incredible peace and freedom.

Please accept my deepest apologies. I resolve to change my approach to that of simply relaying my experiences and letting you follow suit if you want to. I resolve to not preach.

Join me tomorrow for my wonderful Christmas story about how I learned to make abundance out of scarcity. Until then, have a lovely Christmas Eve day.

Filed Under: Self Improvement

Staying Sober on Christmas Day

December 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Staying sober for the holidays can be a challenging thing if you have family that expects you to be there on Christmas, and yet, being with them threatens your sobriety. You know that staying sober will be nearly impossible to do if you visit for the day because there will be dysfunction, fighting, bickering, negativity.

If you experience these things when with your family, then perhaps it is time to think about staying sober first, and worry about your family’s wrath next. The prime thing of importance is your sobriety, and in this case, may mean not being with your family.

When they balk about you not coming, you can merely say that a party, a gathering, will threaten your sobriety right now. Convey that staying sober will be very difficult if you come for the day, and you are not wanting to find out just how much the gathering would affect your sobriety.

Does that mean you will spend the day alone? Perhaps. But you can be alone with yourself and not feel lonely. Be confident in the fact that you are making the right decision to stay away from family for the day. Feel good about taking care of yourself emotionally, about taking care of your sobriety.

Find a project to do that consumes your time and energy. Get totally immersed in it and revel in the good that you produce by being involved with that project. Give yourself a pat on the back that you are getting the project completed while still staying sober.

Get involved in service to others. Go to a nursing home and visit some of the residents to cheer them up on Christmas. Remember, the bottom line is your sobriety. It is the most important thing in your life right now. If your family gets angry at you, then allow them their anger without feeling responsible for it. Make them responsible for their own behavior and actions. Your primary goal is staying sober.

Keep all your attention on that, on staying sober, not on your family. I know this is difficult to do, to make a stand in the face of your family’s disapproval and anger, but you need to focus on your own self first. Are you having difficulty saying no to a visit to your family on Christmas day, feeling guilty about not going for the day? Talk about it, write about it, but stay away from the dysfunction for the day.

How do you deal with your dysfunctional family on Christmas day? Will you go to a known can-of-worms environment, or will you focus your attention on staying sober? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: how tro stay sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, staying sober

What Will This Day Hold For You?

December 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yes, what WILL this day hold for you? Are you up-in-the-air, welcome to anything that comes along? Or, do you have plans that you are following through on, and waiting to see where that action takes you? Which ever way you are doing it, the point is to be open to what comes along.

Be willing to be flexible, to change your plans or how you do something. Be tied to the surprise of the outcome rather than your outcome to an action. When you approach everything that happens as a surprise, things have a feeling of newness, of delight. Disappointment is lessened.

The thing is, you have a choice of your attitude. You can choose to stay firmly aligned with a certain outcome and when it doesn’t occur the way you planned or wanted, you get angry, disappointed, hurt. But when you approach everything as a surprise, you are always appreciative of what comes up.

What do you choose for the day? Surprise and delight, or anger and disappointment? Leave a comment and let us know which you chose.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: anger, angry, choice, disappointment, the ability to choose

Is Living Worthwhile?

December 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was taken aback by this search term this morning, and want to address it. The question searched for was “Is Living Worthless,” and I changed it to “worthwhile,” as it is easier to address for me. The an answer is, no, living is not worthless, and yes, living is worthwhile.

How do you discover your worth when you feel worthless? First, let’s define worthless a little bit. It creeps up on you when you feel there is no use in continuing, when you feel your life has no purpose, no worth to anyone. It is a feeling that accompanies hopelessness, and leaves you exhausted, depressed. So, how do you get out of this feeling?

It is helpful to find someone for whom you can be useful, even if you are just two steps ahead of them in the healing journey. That help comes in the form of you telling your story to someone in need and relaying how you got past your own feelings of worthlessness, focusing only on what you have gained, and not on the distance you have yet to go. You want to give from one to three points of things the person can do to work through those feelings.

For example, it might have worked, or be working, for you to journal. If this is the case, tell the person who is feeling worthless that they can journal and feel better. Recommend they write with their non-dominant hand, as all sorts of deep feelings will come out and they can get to the core faster than if they write with their dominant hand. This has been tested and found to be true and I found it to be true in the writing of the majority of verses in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Taking a brisk walk or engaging in some other form of exercise may have been, or is being, helpful to you. Therapy may have been helpful also, as has been, perhaps, any group’s support meetings. And, there is always prayer, asking for the willingness and strength to get through your feelings of worthlessness.

Remember, you are taking the strife you have experienced in your life, turning it positive, and then relaying what you did, to someone who is feeling worthless. You are trying to be of service to another. There is nothing quite like realizing you have been of use to a person who is hurting, that helps you get out of the feeling of being worthless, nothing quite like discovering the purpose of your life. For, you see, helping another is your purpose in life. It just depends upon HOW you are intended to help them.

Once you talk to another who is struggling, one who is in great emotional pain, you will feel that life is worth living. You will see the purpose of your life to be that of being of service. This will feel wonderful and it will change your thoughts about yourself when you think about being of service to another.

This does not mean that you forget about your own personal pain. No, you keep it off to the side while you’re helping the other person; you put it on hold. But you do not want to negate it or sweep it under the rug, because the pain will just show up in a different way in your life. At its best, your personal pain ignored will keep you stuck, unable to move forward.

When you are not helping another, and are considering your own feelings of worthlessness, try to write about these feelings and why you feel worthless. Get in writing all the old stories, the old injustices, that have led you to this point of not feeling worthwhile. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and look them squarely in the eye. Recognize the hurt, humiliation, and shame that are beneath the worthlessness. As you focus on these feelings, they will soon float away, replaced by other thoughts.

Look at the ways in which you can take action to fix or right things that are wrong in your life, or that are not the way you want them to be. Follow through with these actions, or you will feel like a failure. Start with just a few, or even one, manageable actions to begin with and grow from there if you’d like. But, be responsible and do your part to get to a place of feeling worthwhile.

Do you feel worthless? Do you think you can be of service to another so you begin to feel more worthwhile? Write down the answers to these questions, using your non-dominat hand. List out people you know that are struggling emotionally, and think how what you have learned or experienced could be of use to that person. Resolve to tell them your story and you will be spreading hope.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: is living worthwhile, worthless, worthlessness, worthwhile

Fulfilling Your Dream in Sobriety

December 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Fulfillment of Dreams

Good morning! Today, I liked the search term “fulfilling your dream,” and I added “in sobriety,” because it has been my experience that in sobriety, dreams can and do come true.

I experienced one of my dreams – that of being in the big-time sailing world, when I lived aboard a sailboat for three years. I was still drinking at the time. In sobriety, the dreams I have fulfilled started as those of an emotional nature, and grew to be concrete things and experiences.

I had a dream, All of my life I dreamed of being happy, finding happiness and being at peace. I looked everywhere for these – in others, in experiences, in situations. But I never looked within for happiness, for peace.

Then, in sobriety, I began to learn how to find happiness and fulfillment from within. I began to experience more and more happiness the more I looked inside for it. If someone had told me I needed to look inside myself for happiness, for peace, for fulfillment of my dreams, I would have scoffed and turned away in disgust.

Now, in sobriety, I know that the only way to find fulfillment and, thus, happiness and peace, is ultimately through a self-assessment, a self-appraisal. In this process, I ferret out the things about myself that are keeping me from moving forward toward my dream.

In my case, my dream was to be a published author, and I have accomplished this with the publishing of my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. That dream was present as a child, and I apparently stated one day that I was going to write a book. I don’t recall that, but the desire remained with me subconsciously, and here we are – with a book I wrote, photographed, and published.

Then, when I was a senior in high school, I was a lead in the school musical, and from that point, I discovered I loved being on stage and vowed to become a speaker one day. That dream is coming true for me. I have launched myself as a motivational speaker, and have been speaking to a variety of groups. It is all possible because of my sobriety, and only my sobriety.

Through that state, the state of being sober, I learned more about myself to dispel the myths and lies I was told at a young age, lies that shaped me into a distorted and stormy being in adulthood. I had to learn to see my goodness as a person, my positive points, and once I became able to see myself in a positive light, with love, I became able to see others with gentleness and kindness, and I experienced happiness, peace.

Since we’re talking about peace, I’d like to say that although we have not achieved that state, I can pass along the peace I feel toward others in day-to-day contact with them. It leads to a peaceful existence in my world. So, I am in the process of fulfilling another dream in sobriety.

So, how can you fulfill your dream in sobriety? You can focus on your sobriety, on learning how to do a self-appraisal to uncover your goodness, and then you can learn how to show yourself kindness, gentleness, and compassion for the wounded person you were, for believing the negative things about yourself that you were told.

Once you reach this point, you begin to relax and start listening to the tugging of your heart, the whisper of your soul, telling you that you have a dream that wants to be fulfilled. Because you have positive thoughts and feelings about yourself, you come forth with self-confidene in your dream, following your heart’s messages, and soon, your dream has started to become a reality.

Sometimes, that day comes after years, because you have held your dream in your heart, reserving a little space for it, sending it attention every now-and-again. It commies suddenly, as you realize one day that you are living your dream. Only through your sobriety, though, can you access your urgings. Only in sobriety, do you have the courage to move forward in the face of fear, to fulfill your dream.

What is your heart’s desire and what are you doing to fulfill it? Have you mastered doing a self-appraisal, such that you can define your positivity? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Overcome Hopelessness in Sobriety

December 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I have been silent for a couple of days and please pardon that. I tried writing a couple of posts, but the words just wouldn’t come. I needed a break, I guess… Today I am back with renewed vigor, and shall write about overcoming hopelessness in sobriety.

One of the greatest gifts of sobriety you will discover is feeling better about yourself, learning who you are at your core and learning to cherish what you find. It happens slowly, over time, often without you knowing it is happening, and one day, you just realize you are a good person.

When you get to this point in your sobriety, you begin to feel better. You have a new-found strength about you that helps you feel hope again. You are renewed with the ability to grow into hope for a better today, a better tomorrow. When you feel you have some redeeming qualities, you feel hopeful.

You can also begin to feel hope again if you provide service to others, specifically to those who are suffering from the same feelings you are. You can share with them how you have found hope again, and this will make your life meaningful to another. When this happens, you feel more hope. Remember, you only need to be two steps in front of them in the journey.

When you can be of use to another, the quality of your sobriety improves. As I said, the best way to do this is to be of service. It will help you get out of yourself for a time period and will show you that the experiences you’ve had are for a purpose – to help others suffering like you are suffering. When you are able to get out of yourself, you will be filled with more hope… hope that things can get better for you.

What shall you speak to others about that can offer them solace and hope themselves? How can you put your difficult experiences to use that are plaguing you? How will you be of service to another? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Stay Sober During the Holidays

December 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today, I’d like to discuss how to stay sober during the Holidays, how to rise above the family feuds and grudges that keep the fires of bitterness and resentment stoked. Taking a look at this will require action on your part, and the rewards are simply awesome. You will feel a freedom and a lightness you have not felt in years. You will not want to drink.

Perhaps the single, most effective tool to use to get through and past family feuds and bitterness is the self-appraisal. Let’s review how to do an appraisal and you will discover the secret of how to stay sober.

First, list out your positive points, the things about yourself that you like, that others say they like. Spend some time doing this, maybe a day reflecting on nothing but your positive points. Then, pick a time period, either a week or a month, and list out all the positive behaviors and actions you took during this time that were thoughtful, kind, gentle, compassionate – you get the point, I’m sure. You are trying to ferret out all your goodness, to identify it so you can feel good about yourself. Contemplate about these things for a day, just “being” with your goodness.

After you have spent a day or so discovering and acknowledging your goodness, turn your attention to the darker side of your character, to your negative behavior. We all have such a side. Look at the ways in which you were unkind and demeaning to yourself and others. List these out so you can see them on the page. Acknowledge them. Practice being humble about them.

Now, look at the relationships with others that are problematic for you, ones about which you are resentful or harbor a grudge, ones that are causing a feud. Look at this closely. You are trying to determine if you, in fact, said or did something unkind or rude to another that led them to react in a predictable, human way. If you find situations that you instigated, that you started, rethink your anger, your bitterness and take responsibility for your bad behavior by letting go of the resentment.

This is the one, most single action that, when completed, will show you how to stay sober. You can dive deeper into the situation, also. For example, once you identify that you, in fact, started a feud, you can feel compassion for yourself, a troubled soul. You can feel compassion for the other person who responded like any other human who was treated poorly.

This exercise is the precursor to forgiveness and once you discover forgiveness, you will discover freedom of heart and mind. You will especially wish to right your wrongs during this Holiday season. This means being humble, admitting your fault, and apologizing to the other person for any grief you have caused them.

In a situation where you did not start the ball of hate and anger rolling – the other person did, then look at the other person as a wounded soul, someone who is sick emotionally. Extend compassion to this wounded person, just like you would for anyone who is ill. Really feel a softness in your heart, and let it guide you to forgiveness. It is from that place of forgiveness that you will find great peace. Even though there are situations in which you had no negative behavior, there are many that involve your self-righteousness, when you, in fact, started the ball rolling. That’s what we were talking about in the preceding paragraphs.

And now you know how to stay sober, merely by being responsible for your own behavior, by taking ownership for it.

Do you have some advice on how to stay sober during the Holidays? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to stay sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Stay Sober in the Wake of the Connecticut Shootings

December 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good afternoon. It is with a weeping heart that I write today, as I am writing to express my deepest condolences to the parents and families who lost children and loved ones yesterday. I am writing to help any of you survivors of those killed by writing about how to stay sober in the face of the acute and deep grief you are experiencing.

I do not have children, yet, I have a cat who is my child and I cannot imagine the grief I would feel if she were shot or lost in some other senseless, and devastating way. So, I can say that the loss of a child must be one hundred times more painful than the loss of my own “child,” my pet. I would want to drink to dull the tremendous heartache and grief.

This may be the case of any sober person related to someone who died yesterday. You are in such pain that the thought of drowning that sorrow in a drink or several must be tempting… oh, so tempting. Yet, with the help of your Higher Power, friends, family, and other sober people, you can get through this without a drink.

Try to separate yourself from your sorrow for a brief moment to consider where that drink will lead you… to total emotional meltdown, to possible DUI, jail, or other institutions. You could lose everything. And you don’t need that right now. It’s important to stay present for your family, for yourself. So think the drink through.

Prayer and seeking comfort from others are so needed right now. Try not to isolate yourself; rather, talk to someone about your feelings, or go to a meeting of your support group and share about your feelings of grief. Allow your sadness, your sorrow, to surface and to be known to others. Even as I recommend not to isolate, it is important to allow yourself alone time to grieve, but don’t do it with a drink.

In the wake of this tragedy, these are a few thoughts about how to stay sober. These words seem so trite and lacking, and yet, they are the only ones I can muster at this time.

To those of you who are reading this, please join me in sending prayers and thoughts to the families of the victims, and the children who experienced this tragedy. Thank you.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Sober Living Tagged With: Connecticut shootings, how to stay sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Opening Your Heart in Sobriety

December 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Openness of Heart

Good morning. One of the search terms, the one we’ll talk about today, is opening your heart and I added “in sobriety.” You will find, as your sobriety progresses, that your heart will open. But there are specific things you can do to help this to happen.

The photo to the right is one from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse that accompanies it is:

“We spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that may come to us. If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light. We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.”

So, how do you let down the barrier of your heart that you have erected to protect yourself?

First of all, if you approach yourself and others with gentleness, your heart will begin to open more. Next, kindness to others and yourself will help. Then, there is tolerance, which will add to your ability to open your heart in sobriety. Being tolerant of others’ differences, being tolerant of yourself and your foibles, will aid your journey to an open heart.

The most important thing, though, for allowing your heart to open is the practice of compassion – for yourself and for others. When you practice compassion, your heart softens. Sometimes, to get to compassion, it helps to do a self-appraisal, so you can discover the things you do that others do, to annoy you.

For example, you may get angry at others for something and when you do a self-appraisal, you may discover that you do the very same thing. Instead of continuing to blame the other, you can open your heart and see you both as wounded humans, and accept the foibles you are both demonstrating.

In sobriety, these steps will aid you to open your heart. And certainly, you do not have to be practicing sobriety to do these things.

How do you open your heart? Let us know what you have learned in sobriety that allows you to open your heart by leaving a comment.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, Gentleness, kindness, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

Dealing with LIving Sober

December 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The search term I chose today is “dealing with living sober.” This is a great topic for me, as I enjoy my sobriety so much, I am happy to discuss what I do to keep living sober.

In early sobriety, I dealt with things differently then in later years of sobriety. When I would “fall off the cliff,” as I called it, early in sobriety, I went right to my journal and wrote for a couple of hours. That provided a great deal of solace. And, I went to a support group meeting and shared about my angst, the feelings I was experiencing.

You need to have a plan for what to do when you are going to slip from living sober. For example, calling someone right away, going to a meeting of your support group, writing… You also can take a brisk walk or engage in some other form of physical activity. When things are really squirrely for you, remember to just do the next indicated thing, the next thing that appears on your path. This might be washing the dishes, or taking a nap.

That’s how I dealt with living sober when I was new to sobriety. Now, after twelve years, I still do the next indicated thing in my path to do, and that often includes going to a meeting or calling someone. It also involves getting involved in my work, or doing chores around the house. I actually have few moments when I want to slip from living sober, if any at all…

We, as drinkers, often drank to celebrate the good things that occurred in our lives. You will have to have a different plan and way of celebrating so you can remain living sober. Again, sharing about your successes at a group level, or writing about them is helpful. Pat yourself on the back for your success, and don’t get cocky about it. Be humble and gracious.

You may wish to get involved in activities that feed your soul to maintain living sober. Maybe a woodworking group, or a card game such as bridge. But the most definite way to remain living sober is to help others, to be of service. As soon as you help another, your spirits lift and you are so happy to be living sober that you vow to do anything to stay that way.

Here are just a few ways of living sober when things get tough or are glorious. They have helped me, anyway. What do you do to stay sober, to remain living sober? Leave a comment and let us know what you do.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: dealing with living sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Joys of Sobriety

December 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning. I hope the two-part series on PTSD despair brought you solace… comfort, and that you were able to see there are actions you can take to help you out of despair. Today nothing really jumped out at me in the search terms, and I am going to write about the joys of sobriety.

Perhaps the biggest joy initially for me was the lack of hangovers. Mine had been extremely severe for about seven years, so not having them was a very welcomed relief. Today, it is nice to wake up clear and wide-eyed, ready to enjoy the new day without nausea, without vomiting, without a splitting headache. You, too, will revel in this new-found result of sobriety.

The faces of my sobriety changed as time went on, and for about six months, I was on what is referred to as a pink cloud, where everything is grand, where everything was so exciting, seen for the first time in years with eyes of wonder and awe. Yes, I felt the pain of my grief from the unrequited love, but it was interspersed with the joy of sobriety, so much so that it gave me the overall sense of well-being for a few months.

You may experience the pink cloud. If and when you do, enjoy it to the fullest. It is helpful to combat the feelings of angst that will arise as you begin to feel more and more of your feelings. Speaking of the angst that will appear in sobriety, know that it is passing, it will pass, and what you are left with is incredible freedom, incredible peace.

Think of the period of angst as one in which you are healing from old wounds so you can start fresh, start anew with your life. Stick with sobriety through this difficult period because the rewards are tremendous. First is the lack of hangovers, as we said, and then the pink cloud. Then, there is a depth to everything you do, everything you see, where you feel connected to the world around you, as well as the people in it.

In sobriety, you become able to see others with softness, gentleness, kindness, and compassion. When you heal, you become more and more interested in helping others, in being of service. You think less and less about making sure you get what you want, because it just comes to you. You become more in-tune with the physical world around you, as you begin to notice plant life, architecture, scenery.

Sobriety leads to a positive attitude, an attitude of gratitude. You see everything that comes along with gratitude… you are grateful for all that occurs, as you know it is for your highest good, even though it may not feel like that at times. Sobriety helps your relationships, as you are less judgmental and critical of yourself and others. You have less to argue about, less fault to find.

In fact, sobriety eventually allows you to take full responsibility for your feelings, your actions and behaviors, and you are fueled by this in your ability to maintain a positive, grateful attitude. You look forward to life unfolding for you, taking action, while letting go of results and letting life flow to you.

Yes, sobriety is filled with joy after you go through the angst of examining and repairing the past. Perhaps the best thing is the feelings of goodwill that you have toward yourself. Your self-pity will have resolved. You will feel good about who you are and you will recognize you are worthy of good things, that you are a worthwhile person, not the worthless one you were told you were.

There is a saying in recovery circles, “Don’t leave before the miracle happens,” and that is so true. I invite you to stick with your sobriety so that you, too, can experience the miracles and joys of sobriety.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: attitude of gratitude, compassion, gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

PTSD Despair – the Conclusion

December 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today, we conclude the post about PTSD despair. Yesterday, we ended with me saying I wanted to share my experience of what was happening at the end, when I was praying to die. Here’s what was going on for me.

I had been in a state of decreased energy, of lethargy, for weeks, feeling that my abusive past had occurred only to make my life miserable. Other than that, there was no purpose to it, there was no purpose to me, to my life. This was my state-of-mind at about five years of sobriety. One day, I was at a group meeting for that sobriety, and a man shared about the difficulties he was experiencing from his childhood that were affecting him today. It sounded like what I had been through, but I was a few steps ahead of him in the process of healing. So, I went up after the meeting and began to talk with him.

I first asked him for permission to share some things with him. After he said yes, I related to his experience by relaying some of what I had been through. Then I began to talk of the books I had read that had been helpful with the symptoms of abused people, such as Claudia Black, Alice Miller, John Bradshaw, books that had helped with my healing. I relayed how wondrous my therapist was in dealing with recovery issues, both for my alcoholism and my abusive past and the characteristics I was displaying, and was able to give him her number.

What I had to say was useful to him – I could see it in his face, in his eyes. He was so grateful for the information, he almost cried. As I walked back to my car, I realized in a flash that I DID have purpose, my abusive past WAS for a reason. That reason was to help others who were dealing with what I had overcome, even if I was just two steps in front of them in a couple areas. If I had not endured the abuse, I never would have been able to offer him anything. Therefore, my abuse had a purpose.

I had a purpose. From that point, I realized my purpose in life was to connect with people who were suffering emotionally, and relay the things that had helped me, so that the information could be of use to them.

In your case, with PTSD, let’s say you are a veteran, reliving the trauma you experienced, the terror, living in anger over the grief of premature deaths you witnessed, dealing with the guilt that somehow you could have prevented it. You are living a nightmare, and, yet, I invite you to take action to get out of the place where you currently are. Here is what I invite you to try. It worked for me.

Seek assistance from a qualified therapist, versed in PTSD issues. They exist at VA medical centers, if you are a vet, and interviewing a potential therapist about their experiences with PTSD treatment will help guide you in the right direction in selecting a well-versed therapist. I looked for a therapist that was versed in alcohol recovery and who knew the effects and treatment for being an abused child, for example, because at the time, I had not been diagnosed with PTSD.

After you select a therapist, ask about the use of EMDR, or get that yourself. It was roughly $100 a session and I needed three. I would imagine the VA centers have someone available to do it or could refer you. Do some reflection about your feelings of despair, your lack of purpose in the world, your guilts, your grief… writing, journalling was extremely helpful to me to get feelings out, and especially because I wrote with my left, non-dominant hand. They say that writing with the non-dominant hand brings forth new information from the other side of the brain, and it stimulates you with deeper thoughts. I invite you to try it.

I invite you to stop drinking, if you are doing so. The liquor fuels the symptoms that you are experiencing, especially the anger. I know it doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the middle of it. But your world remains very small while you are drinking, filled with resentments and bitterness, guilt and remorse. You look for relief for these things in the alcohol, yet you will never find them there. It is in the absence of alcohol that you will find relief. There are many resources to help you stop drinking that are listed in the yellow pages, or on the internet. For me personally, I found getting sober to be the beginning of the process that has allowed me to find the peace I looked for in alcohol and drugs. I invite you in from the cold.

Finally, I’d like to invite you to look at the cause of your PTSD despair, and discover how that experience, the experience over which you despair, can be useful to another if you were to share with them your experience and what one, maybe two, steps you’ve taken to heal. All you have to be is two steps ahead of them in the healing process. I cannot describe the way my heart soared to know I had been of use to another and I invite you to experience it also.

I hope these two posts have been useful for you. I wish you well in your journey. May you have peace.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: EMDR, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, PTSD, PTSD despair, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

PTSD Despair – the Beginning

December 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, there were two searches for PTSD despair, most likely the same person, yet I want to address it today and relate it to sobriety. I am thinking that whoever searched, was referring to the despair they feel because of their PTSD. So, let’s address this.

PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. According to all the information I have read, and based on my personal experience with PTSD, it is comprised of three categories of symptoms:

re-experiencing the traumas through flashbacks, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts about the trauma;
avoidance symptoms such as feeling numb, strong guilt, depression, or worry, avoidance of people and places that remind of the event, losing interest in once-enjoyable activities; and
hyperarousal, being on edge, getting angry easily, being easily startled.

You may be dealing with these symptoms as a result of recent trauma, or even years after an event that was traumatic for you. Or, you may be a veteran, dealing with either the long-term effects, or from the effects of recently being in service. If you are dealing with these symptoms and have not been diagnosed with PTSD, I gently invite you to seek assistance from a qualified therapist or someone at a VA Medical Center. There is great strength and courage demonstrated in the act of asking for help. For those of you long-term sufferers getting help, good for you! I applaud your efforts.

From my own perspective about PTSD and despair, I was diagnosed with PTSD at the age of about 53, and had been dealing with it since childhood, as a result of the trauma I endured and witnessed. I experienced all of the above symptoms, and I easily went to depression and despair. When I say despair, I am referring to the feelings that nothing is okay, in fact, everything is useless and there is no purpose in living. There is no hope.

In my case, I got to the point that I was praying to die because I was too scared to commit suicide. My anger had long-since been turned inward and it appeared in my life as major depression. I was a walking mess, feeling emotionally aweful. Fueled by my bitterness and under-lying anger at just about everything, I drank heavily, which only added to the flames. I felt there was no purpose in the events of childhood that had led me to misery in life. I had no purpose in life, no reason to be living.

Can you relate? if you are dealing with PTSD despair. I am thinking you are at the very hopeless stage. If this is the case, my heart goes out to you because I know how badly it sucks. Please know, however, that there is another side, another possibility. There is hope.

Hope came for me in the form of EMDR, a rapid-eye movement that retrains the pathways in the brain to lessen the effects of the trauma. With three of these treatments, my symptoms began to decrease, and even though some despair remained, I could see that there were possibilities to get out of the hole I was in. The despair was resolved in an instant, however, when I experienced the power of helping another, being of service to another.

And I’m going to address that tomorrow, because this post got to be well over 1000 words, so I decided to make it into two blogs. Tomorrow when I join you, I will be sharing my experience with you in the hopes that you may gain something from it that is of use to you.

I wish to acknowledge your pain by saying, yes, it is a very difficult place to be. I feel for you. You have great courage to face it and I invite you to keep putting one step in front of the other, doing the next thing that comes along your path to do. Writing in a journal with stream-of-consciousness writing works well. That’s where you write whatever comes into your head, in whatever order. It is very cathartic.

Join me tomorrow for the conclusion of PTSD despair. Until then, remember, hang in there. You never know when things are going to change around suddenly. Don’t leave before the miracle.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despair about PTSD, PTSD, PTSD despair

How Renovation is a Spiritual Experience

December 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. Let’s face it… some days I just don’t get to blogging, and so I don’t blog. Can we all accept that and I can quit apologizing when I miss a day? Thank you. I can stop beating up on myself for missing yesterday.

I am really torn about what to write today, because I was prepared to talk of my window renovation project. Then, I see the search terms and one is, PTSD despair. Ahhh, that tugged at my heartstrings. I know that one and I want to write about it. However, even as I say those words, I realize I must take some time to recollect those days, those feelings, to collect my thoughts generally about my PTSD experience. So, I will write tomorrow about PTSD despair. Please come back tomorrow for that blog.

My bay window with Hoya plant

Today I’d like to talk about my latest project, the renovation of my rotted bay window. And moldy, I might add. That’s how it all started… with the mold. But, heh. Let me start at the beginning… well, first, this is the picture of the window at night, showing you its size and current location in my office. The window is nine feet wide.

I have a leak in one of the three bay windows in my mobile home. I cannot find it and everything I CAN find upstream that might lead to a leak is caulked. The leak has caused the window-side of the window seat to rot in places, and I have known I need to pull it apart and repair it. And I’m fine with that… I am well-versant at projects such as these, after my experience living aboard and renovating an older sailboat with lots of wood. I have worked quite a bit with epoxy, and feel pretty confident about tackling this project.

window with all the rotten wood gone

Last weekend, it was really rainy here in the San Francisco Bay Area. On Sunday afternoon, I got a strong whiff of mold, and knew right away it was from my window. Rats! I realized that now was the time to take it apart and do the project. So, I did. I pulled the window seat and the rotten wood in the framing underneath the window out of there, along with wet insulation. There was extensive damage on the left lower corner of the big window.

Once I pulled apart the window, I had to figure out how to fix it. Actually, I had given it a lot of thought and had decided to create en environment that could get wet and not penetrate the wood. The water from the leak can then collect in the metal flooring of the window seat, and not rot anything out. Soon, it would evaporate. Being a lover of penetrating epoxy, I figured I would use that to treat the damaged wood to strengthen it, stop the rot, and then fill in the gaps in the framing with new wood that is completely epoxied, so no water can penetrate it.

dry rot cleaned out in lower left of big window

Good plan, don’t you think? Well, as I blogged a few days ago, I got the epoxy from a store other than a boating store, and it’s consistency is not of water, like penetrating epoxy I’m used to working with, but I was assured the stuff I was getting would, in fact, penetrate somewhat. I should have listened to that voice… this epoxy did not penetrate… it coated. Somehow, I did not understand that. Maybe there was some seepage into the wood, but not like PE. Anyway, I was in the middle of it, so needed to continue.

The problem is, the epoxy must not have totally cured, because I am still smelling damp epoxy, still smelling mold when I first come into the house. So, do I caulk the crap out of the whole area, using a boating caulk that adheres to wood and to metal, further creating an environment into which the water cannot seep in the first place. Maybe my logic’s off, but it seems logical.

Maybe I need to just be patient and let the smells gas out, to dry out, or maybe I need to call someone to treat the mold and let that treatment cure before I rebuilt the window seat. Or, maybe I go get some PE and re-saturate it, hoping that the PE will harden the whole mess when it “kicks’ or hardens.

Izzy and epoxied shims for support wood

The whole experience has shaken my confidence somewhat, and I definitely have needed to look at whether I was being cocky about my abilities. So, with humility and a thirst for knowledge, I will go visit Michael at West Marine in Sausalito, to see what his take is on the whole thing. He is the guru of boat repair and chemical usage. And he knows his products.

This is a spiritual experience, as it teaches me about patience, about being humble. It allows me to receive grace, to go with the flow. It leads me to ask for help. It teaches us all what we can do in situations that baffle us… we can have patience, be humble and teachable, and ask for help.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s blog, and that you can gain some spiritual significance from it. Certainly, I am open to any feedback about what to do with my window. : ) Have a great day. Return tomorrow for PTSD despair.

Filed Under: Principle of living Tagged With: renovation, spiritual experience

How to Open Your Heart More

December 6, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to open your heart more” was searched for 4 times yesterday morning, so I thought I’d address that. I apologize for no post yesterday… I started this and the day got away from me before I could develop the blog. So, here we are today, in this moment, and let me write about how to open your heart.

The first thing needed to open your heart is willingness to do so, willingness to go there. Once you are willing, the whole world opens up, and you are able to see the things around you that you couldn’t see before. You see your physical world more intently; you see others with eyes and heart of gentleness and kindness.

Once you are willing to open your heart, the next stage involves identifying the wounds you have endured during your lifetime, and the feelings that accompany these wounds. Look closely at your fear and how it holds you back in life. Look closely at grief you may be experiencing, a feeling associated with loss of any type. Allow yourself the time to look at these feelings and try to be straight while you do so. Try to just “be” with them, without numbing them out with substances or activity.

Now, feel compassion for yourself for the wounds you have received and endured. See yourself with gentleness, kindness. Do not slide into self-pity… this is not a pity party I am suggesting. More, it is an objective assessment and acknowledgment of the damage you have received. Now it’s time to start seeing the world around you with gratitude. Be grateful for the simplest things and soon that gratitude will expend to larger things in your life.

Now you are equipped to begin a self-appraisal, looking first at your positive traits, behaviors, and actions. Really praise yourself for these things. Then, look at your negative behavior, the things you do for which you are mad at others for doing, when you do the very same things yourself. For your bad behavior that was hurtful to others, take ownership of that behavior. Be responsible and accountable for it by letting go of any resentments, and apologizing, if indicated.

This tool is invaluable as one to use on an on-going basis, throughout each day. It becomes second-nature to see yourself honestly, objectively. Rather than allowing this appraisal to be a jumping-off place from which to beat yourself up, use it instead as a method of keeping yourself right-sized… not bragging or boastful, nor insecure and self-reproachful. Use a self-appraisal to locate where you are in your world, both outer and inner.

Once you learn to follow this process, you will have opened your heart so very much. There is one more tool to use to get to deep peace and freedom, and that is forgiveness. Forgiveness allows you, without condoning what was done, to put to rest your heart-burning resentment, the thing that keeps you simmering with anger just below the surface. Once you come to forgiveness, you will begin to be really free, able to open your heart even wider.

So, this is the process to go through to open your heart. How does it work for you? Do you have a different method? What works for you? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, fear, forgiveness, grief, how to forgive, key of willingness, loss grief, open your heart, overcome fear, Willingness

How Living with an Open Heart Helps My Renovation Project

December 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is later in the day than I normally write, and that is because I was a bit befuddled about what to write. I just do not have it within right now to go to those negative emotions and how to get out of them. If you’re looking for that, please scroll back to fairly recent blogs, and you will find them.

No, today I want to talk about what it’s like to live with an open heart, how my inner world has changed as a result. I, for example, am rolling thoughts in my head about the renovation project of which I am smack in the middle, and remembering back to the days that trained me on the supplies to be using, the knowing of even where to start and what to do.

And to think of those days used to be quite painful and induced guilt, even very recently. Painful because it involved the last three years of a tumultuous marriage, and a bad ending, for which I have regrets and guilts, followed by an unrequited love experience for me, which was excruciatingly painful. Both experiences have left me finding it difficult at times to live with an open heart, but I am surpassing that.

Yet, today, I am enjoying the remembering, the memories, for I am recalling my boating projects, my other renovation project that got me to the capable point at which I find myself in my project that is underway. You see, it was actually my boating experience and experience with rotted wood in a wet environment that led me to discover and fall in love with penetrating epoxy (PE).

The viscosity of water, PE penetrates rotted wood that has been cleaned as much as possible, and it strengthens the wood when it hardens, or “kicks.” I happen to love the smell of it… it’s my most favorite in the world. I also love the effects it produces. Well, I am aware it is more expensive at the boating store than at my favorite TAP Plastics in SanRafael, CA. And TAP sells measuring utensils, etc, that are needed for application of the stuff. They also sell the actual epoxy, so I got that at TAP.

But, it is not the viscosity of water. It’s more like a thickened syrup, so it does not penetrate the wood as much and that concerns me. You see, I have a leaking window in a mobile home and I cannot find the leak. I have caulked everything upstream that I can find. So my thought is, pull out the rotten support beams (1×2′s), epoxy with penetrating epoxy to strengthen the remaining wood, caulk the metal separation in the window frame itself that may be the source of the leak and along the wood to metal seam, using boat caulk designed for wood and metal in a wet environment that I got at West Marine in Sausalito, CA, then fill the gaps where I pulled out the 1×2 supports with new 1×4′s.

I’m getting really technical, aren’t I? Sorry. I really enjoy the thought process, the planning and reasoning out, that goes on in a renovation project. lol The point is, with more of an open heart, I am finding myself thinking about the marriage and how we worked together to turn wrecks into things of beauty – homes, boats, cars, thinking about the hurt of the unrequited love, remembering with fondness the projects we did together also.

Because I am opening my heart, seeing with an open heart, I can see the gifts that came out of the experiences. They led me to what I know today with my window renovation and I can remember reasoning through the process with sales people, my husband-at-the-time, and after the marriage ended, with the man who turned out to be an unrequited love. These are fond memories, and I find myself choosing to live in that space today, to live with an open heart so I can receive them in as positive experiences. Wow, this is amazing! This realization is occurring as I write, as I blog – the fact that I am choosing to live with the positive instead of looking at my regrets and guilts. Thank you for being a witness to my process.

How about you? What are some of the ways in which you live with an open heart, and how do you choose to live with the positive thoughts, the positive memories, rather than stay mired in the guilts, the regrets? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Self Improvement Tagged With: living with an open mind, open heart, open heart and mind

Is Sobriety Worth It? Nine Reasons Why It Is

December 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I read this search term and had a resounding “Yes! Sobriety is worth it!” slip out of my mouth. That has been my experience anyway. Let me tell you more…

First, there is the absence of hangovers. If you’re like me, you had bad hangovers every day. Bad nausea, that eye-splitting headache. Well, once you get sobriety in your life, you won’t be experiencing them any more, and that’s glorious!! There is nothing that feels better than to wake up with another day of sobriety before you and having a clear mind with which to do it.

Second, you will notice you are being present for all areas and parts of your life. Where before you were foggy, even high somewhat, now in sobriety, you will experience a clearness that you have not experienced in years. It brings you an aliveness that you haven’t felt since you don’t remember when! It feels fantastic!

In sobriety, you will thirdly be able to express and feel your emotions. You will feel feelings along the whole continuum, from great joy and pleasure to the depths of despair or sadness. You may not be experiencing despair in sobriety and if this is the case, I am happy for you, as it is the pits to be sober and be in deep despair. The point is, you will be able to feel what comes up for you, ever-changing, and in sobriety, you are present for these changes and states of feeling.

Fourth, you are available to do projects, to go places with others or by yourself. This is great fun, as you get involved in those projects you have avoided for years. With the time you have freed up from not drinking, you have more time to do things and go places. You begin to feel connected to others again, less isolated. And you can drive anytime, anywhere!

Fifth, you have the ability to hear what others are saying, to realize you don’t know everything. You look at everything with a beginner’s mind and you are teachable. This will expand your world tremendously and you’ll feel great about being able to let someone be important for the brief time you have listened to them. This does not mean you have to take the advice that is given. That depends upon whether or not it will further you in your goals, your purpose in life.

The sixth thing you will experience in sobriety that makes it worth it is your new-found ability to care for others. I mean really caring for them deeply, and wanting to reach out to help in any way possible, with your gifts.

That brings us to the seventh thing that makes sobriety worth it… and that is the discovery, acceptance, and nurturing of your gifts. You realize you have a purpose in life, and you begin to get clear on what that purpose is. You begin to see the uniqueness and beauty that is you, and, when you are practicing humility, you get a deep sense of satisfaction from this.

There is the desire to share your gifts, your time, your energy, your love, and that brings us to the eighth thing that makes sobriety worth it. You feel so grounded in yourself, so good about who you are that you want to share of this with others. You are over-flowing with the desire to be of service to others and that comes from a strong sense of self.

Finally, the ninth and not final reason is because you will begin to practice spiritual principles like gratitude, willingness, humility, compassion, and it feels so good to feel these, to practice them.

Here are several reasons why sobriety is so well worth it. How has it been worth it for you? Share about the pleasures you have experienced in sobriety. Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Living in Wonder in Sobriety

December 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was going to take Sundays off, yet I am pulled to the keyboard this morning to write again about sobriety. I don’t see anything in the search terms that grabbed my attention. There were two about having no value, however, and I just cannot go there this morning. I will say to those of you who feel you have no value, hang in there, and if you are struggling with a drinking problem, I invite you to try sobriety.

Sobriety is a powerful tool against the feelings of worthlessness, the feeling you have no value. Oh, you may feel those feelings more intensely for a bit after you get sober, just as you will feel all of your feelings more acutely, including things like joy and wonder. In other words, when you get sober, you will feel your feelings again, and you have the capacity to feel all the feelings along the continuum, from the very difficult to the sublime and empowering.

The sublime and empowering feelings are available in sobriety, just as much as the negative and difficult ones, but we forget to access them because we get so mired in the difficult ones. They consume our energy. We would do well to practice seeing the joy, the wonder… seeing with gratitude when we can.

The more we can recognize the good and tender feelings in our lives, the sooner we will pass through the acuteness of the negative and difficult ones. Maintaining our sobriety is key during this process. When we keep on drinking, we delay the thing we need to do to get through to the other side… through to peace-of-mind. That thing is feeling our feelings, all of them.

Remember to look for the positive… the joy, the wonder in a flower along the way, or a child growing and experiencing life. Set the intention to look with those eyes, and soon, it becomes something we naturally do. This took me years to learn to do in sobriety, as I got really hung up on myself and my pain. I wish I would have had this input; it would have saved a lot of heartache, or at least, would have given me a welcome reprieve from the pain of my difficult feelings periodically.

How about you? Do you make it a practice to notice the joy, the wonder around you? Or, are you mired in the difficult, the painful? If you are experiencing the latter all the time, I invite you to try looking with new eyes, and letting us know what that was like for you by leaving a comment. By looking with new eyes, the eyes of wonder, you will enhance your sobriety so much, and you will know your own value. Are you in?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Gracefully Accepting the Path of Sobriety

December 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I added “of sobriety,” and chose “gracefully accepting the path” to talk about today because it raises the point of the positive. Showing grace, knowing when it has descended upon you, is a positive, as I see it. Only in sobriety did I even know grace existed! It took several years for it to reach me, for me to know I was experiencing it.

Let me explain to you one moment of grace that I am experiencing as I type. It is the wee hours of the morning and I just popped awake, so got up and started writing on my website, changing it around, especially the description of my speaking and coaching services. And it is raining… spurts of fast, staccato drops, interspersed with slow, lazy ones.

I am not fond of the rain, especially when I am driving in it. Makes me nervous, especially because my wiper blades are the pits and I can barely see. You could even say I hate the rain, which is true. I hate being wet and cold… soggy. So, what am I going to do about it? I have a choice. I can bitch and moan about it to everyone when it rains, or I can accept that I don’t like it and then take action.

I choose to take action, and so I go to the auto parts store and buy a new pair of blades. Oh my gosh! What a difference. I have been missing out on this pure delight for months now. I really digressed here… The point is, the fact that I am able to accept the rain as a fact of nature, and move forward in a positive manner, I define as grace. The fact that I can smile at the rain, knowing the season will end, and so being pleasant about it, is called grace.

Here’s another example. My sobriety is because of the grace of God. You can call that higher being, or source, whatever you wish, and the point is, it was their grace that led to sobriety. It was a gift and I choose to graciously accept it as such.

Grace is what allows me to “flow” in the, with the, present moment. For example, I just got done taking a dozen eggs off the stove where I was making hard-boiled eggs. I was multi-tasking, I admit, writing the blog, as well as doing small things around the house. I actually got sidetracked because I went to fill up my coffee cup.

Anyway, grace allows me to flow from one activity to the next, just doing the next indicated thing that’s presented for me to do, and being okay with that. It’s like a dance, this flow, this going from one indicated thing to the next, and when we learn to join in the ballet, we experience grace.

How do you experience grace in your life? Is it similar for you to what I described? You’re invited to share your thoughts. Leave a comment and let us know.

I see I have deviated from the topic implied by the title, and the discussion is equally interesting and valuable, I trust. Perhaps tomorrow I will address Gracefully Accepting the Path of Sobriety.

p.s. I notice a lot of people are visiting my website each day, and that number has been consistent lately. I am thinking that many of you are repeat visitors, following my blog. That’s cool! I’m thinking that the blog is useful to you, or you wouldn’t return. If that’s the case, my heart fills with joy, for this is my hope, my passion.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: acting with grace, grace, graceful, gracious, how to show grace, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How to Maintain Your Sobriety

November 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The search terms about sobriety always jump out at me, and this morning, I have chosen how to maintain your sobriety to which I would like to respond, as there are many actions you can take to maintain it.

First of all to maintain your sobriety, don’t drink, no matter what. No matter if you have experienced difficult emotions, experienced the death of a loved one, or loss of a job or marriage, don’t drink over the feelings that arise. Instead, talk to someone about your feelings. Remember, a pain or struggle shared is a pain or struggle divided and conquered.

You can also journal about your feelings that have arisen. I recommend journalling with your non-dominat hand, as all sorts of things will surface when you do this. You will get to relief more quickly if you journal with your non-dominant hand.

Secondly, to maintain your sobriety, join a support group of your choosing. This is paramount to your success. You see, when you are part of a group that you attend regularly, you have at your disposal a release for your emotions. You can talk at group meetings about any pain or struggles you are experiencing, and in doing so, you will find relief.

Thirdly, in sobriety, it is necessary to learn how to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself – your strengths and good points, and then your negative traits and behaviors. It is especially important to keep an eye on your negative or bad behavior and to apologize when you recognize that you have erred. By keeping on top of your bad behavior, it offers the chance to practice humility and compassion for yourself.

Fourth, make the choice to see the world around you with joy and wonder and gratitude. Adopt these attitudes and you will go through your life with more grace. You will be more able to maintain your sobriety.

Fifth, be of help to another. Being of service helps you to get out of yourself and your woes. It lessens the chance to fall prey to self-pity. You see, self-pity is a real killer of peace and happiness, a killer of sobriety.

There is a sixth thing I’d like to mention and that is to be responsible for yourself in all ways. That includes taking responsibility for your healing. Whether you were wronged or not, you need to grab ahold of the ring and learn how to get through and past your hurts and angers, your sadnesses and grief. Your job in life is to heal from the wounds you sustained while growing up. You see, we all experience wounds in our early years, and our job is to get to the bottom of those wounds, and to heal and grow from them.

When you do these things, you experience both physical and emotional sobriety. Isn’t that what you’re looking for? If it is, then you can create it.

How do you maintain your sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Opening the Gates of the Heart

November 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The creation of my nationally-acclaimed, award-winning book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, is evidence of God at work in my life, as He, through me, created a lovely book of photographs of wrought-iron gates and inspirational verses that is a pathway to peace, a daily meditation or reflection.

You see, I had no idea I was creating the book for the first several years of its existence. This is a story that is so profound, as I discovered the verses for the book, written in my journals before I even photographed and titled the gates! It was nine months after shooting the gates that I realized verses from my journals gave words to the images far beyond the visual element, words that flowed upon the page, that emanated from deep within me as I journaled with my left, non-dominant hand. These are the verses that comprise, verbatim, seventy-five percent of the verses in the book.

As I reflected upon these words, I realized that I want to extend an offer to you for the book, for the holidays. I am offering my book, personally signed for you, a friend, or a loved one, for $20.00, from now until December 24th. This cost includes shipping via media mail.

To get this offer, you need to circumvent the current price of $25.00 on the website by calling me directly to place your order. 415-883-8325. I will send you the book with an invoice and you can send me a check, or you can pay by credit card over the phone.

I want to offer this special because I want you or your loved one to experience the hope, joy, and peace that you will experience when you read Opening the Gates of the Heart. And, I offer this because I want to thank you for your loyalty in following my blog, my work. It is what I have to offer to you. Whether you are trying to get or stay sober, recovering as a child of a alcoholic parent, or a veteran looking for solace, you will find magic in the book’s pages.

To see if Opening the Gates of the Heart is a match for you or as a gift for that someone special in your life, check out the endorsements, under the “About” tab above. You can also see some of the book’s pages on “About the Book,” under the “About” tab above. The book is a tribute to the resiliency and beauty of the human spirit, and will bring you more calm, more peace, in your life.

Spend some time checking out the book and then call to order your copy or copies today. I look forward to being of service to you through my book.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, Opening the Gates of the Heart, peace

Maintaining Sobriety Day After Day

November 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Maintaining sobriety day after day” piqued my interest and I am going to write about staying sober this day… today. That’s the thing about it. You only need to stay sober today.

Sometimes, that day is long and treacherous. You may feel like drinking at some point during the day, and there are some things you can do to keep from following through on that desire. Those “things” can be boiled down into one thing… action. It’s about taking action throughout the day.

It’s about doing the next indicated thing to do, doing the next thing that presents itself to you. You will know what that is if you are being aware of what is going on around you, if you are paying attention to the cues of which way to go next.

What do I mean by that… what “cues” am I talking about? I’m talking about watching for when things go smoothly and fall into place easily, without any pushing on your part. When you experience this, you are on the right track with your actions. You are headed in the right direction. Sometimes, I have exhausted all the things I have to do, and I am still antsy. So, sometimes, doing the next indicated thing means washing the dishes, or taking a nap, or a walk.

Do you see that if you follow from one indicated thing to the next, you will be creating your path? You will be moving forward when the going is easy, moving in another direction when things get tough. In that manner, you create your future by shaping your present. If you elect to maintain your sobriety, then you will become more and more aware of how things are working in your life.

Yes, we have to plan ahead, make plans and get something on the calendar. Do that if it will move you forward in the present moment, if it will further and honor your goal. If it’s the next indicated thing to plan something, go for it. I caution against living in the future, paying more attention to it than the present. That leads to worrying, and that is something you can manage depending upon how well you can keep out of the future.

Think of it this way: make plans that further your goal, your mission, your purpose in life. This requires, of course, that you know what these are, and it is a useful exercise to figure out for yourself personally and in a business role. Doing this will strengthen your sobriety, as it will give you a focus and put an end to aimless wandering. Determining your goals is something we do when we work together. Once you realize your goal, your purpose, efforts can be made toward reaching that goal. Before you know it, day after day has accumulated and it has been twelve years! That’s how sobriety works.

How do you live in the here and now in order to maintain your sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Moving Past Resentments in Sobriety

November 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Moving past resentments in sobriety” and “I promise you a life of joy and wonderment” were the search phrases that jumped out at me this morning. They go hand-in-hand, one follows after the other. When you get past your resentments, there IS a world of joy and wonderment out there.

In recovery circles, it is a well-known fact that resentment is the number one reason people drink. Interestingly, the CDC cited that in 2011 in the US, there were 11.8 million substance abusers. Wow. Assume that most of them have resentments, and that’s a lot of resentment flying around out there!

I found it possible in sobriety to get past my resentment I had held tightly for 38 years. It was against my parents for things that happened while I was growing up. I was very angry and bitter, but didn’t show it. I kept it all inside, bottled up. But when I drank, it came out, often big-time. in the form of rage or huge despair and wailing with grief from my losses.

My life became one of victimhood, living life as the victim, and “poor me,” “you’d drink, too, if you suffered what I did.” I was consumed by self-pity. Before sobriety, while I was still drinking, I had no clue that there was a way out of this nightmare. I had no ability to see that I was creating my own misery through the fueling of my resentment against the folks.

I was creating my own misery by failing to take responsibility for my own feelings, to heal from the grief and hurt. That took some time in sobriety to discover that it was my responsibility to do so. And, I had a choice to continue being bitter or to work myself free of the chains that were binding me. Ahhhhh, a choice… Sobriety led me down the path to freedom when it helped me realize I always have a choice in everything I do. We all do. Yes, even you.

What I found after I worked through my resentments, has been great joy and wonder at the world around me… the physical world and all Her wonders, as well as the people in the world, and all of their wonders. I learned to have greater kindness and tolerance for others… great compassion. The more I practiced those things, the more wondrous things became in what the person revealed to me about themselves, what they shared with me, how they treated me. Closer bonds have been established. It has been true joy and wonderment.

So how can you get from your resentment to that joy and wonder about which I speak? It’s a process… a process of looking at your wounds and feelings, and identifying where that keeps you stuck in present day. It’s about using that process to look with new eyes at the resentment and the person whom you resent, until you are able to reach forgiveness.

This is a process I guide people through in my one-on-one coaching. If you want to experience joy and wonderment in your life, you may be interested in learning more. Go to “Coaching” under the “Services” tab. We can work on that resentment that is keeping you from joy and wonder, and you can experience more peace during this holiday season.

I was indignant about looking at my “stuff.” After all, I was justified! I WAS a victim. That’s a fact. But there came a time in sobriety when I realized I just couldn’t carry my bitterness any more. It was affecting my ability to get to true sobriety, emotional sobriety. What I discovered was forgiveness and that helped me to find joy and wonder, peace and freedom.

How about you? How do you work through your resentments in sobriety? Have you reached joy and wonderment in your life?

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, resentful, resenting, resentment, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, wonder, wonderment

How to Open Your Heart More in Sobriety

November 25, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to Open Your Heart More in Sobriety” was in the search terms four times this morning. Well, the term was really how to open our hearts more, and I changed it a little, embellished a bit to add sobriety. I like adding the angle of sobriety in, because sobriety is so often what allows you to live with your heart more open.

Often, people who have been through the hell of hitting bottom and then getting sober, find that they can open their heart more than someone who has not been through hell. It’s as if the person who got sober knows what the other side is, and is so grateful to be out of there, out of that space, that opening their heart becomes a joy.

Perhaps one of the most valuable tools to use to open our heart more is that of honesty about ourselves… our actions and words, our behaviors. When drinking, we tend to be mired deeply in ourselves, concerned about how what everyone is doing is damaging or hurting us. In reality, we are manufacturing our own misery, but most drinkers would become engaged if you said that to them.

Anyway, back to honesty. When we take a real, hard look at ourselves and see our errors, our weaknesses, our bad behavior, we realize we have done the very same things we are mad at others for. In one way or another, we have. Wow. That’s a sobering realization! And once we realize we do the same things others do, we become humble, taking ourselves off that pedestal we’ve put ourselves on, making ourselves right-sized.

There is no need for shame at this point, thinking we’re a bad person. It’s just our behavior that’s bad, and that can be changed. So, once you are honest and open your heart to yourself, you can open it to others more, seeing them with different eyes, realizing that perhaps they, too, have wounds behind their bravado, their bad behavior. When you realize this, you can see with compassion and compassion helps you in your sobriety to open your heart more and more.

I don’t think that we can get to this point of having a truly open heart unless we are in sobriety. In other words, sobriety is what allows us to open our hearts more in life, to life. When we are drinking, we are too wrapped up in ourselves and our little (and big) dramas which we have created in some way or another, that we cannot get out of ourselves enough to see the surrounding world with tenderness, with compassion. We are mired in what the other guy has done to hurt us.

I am watching this very situation occur in realtime with a friend of many years. She lives out-of-state and so, everything I get is from her point of view, or the report of other friends. I have gotten the most recent update from a friend, and the truth is somewhere in the middle, but the drinking friend is driving everyone away through her bad behaviors and actions, and then claiming everyone is deserting her.

In reality, if she looked honestly at her own behavior, her own actions, she would see this and how she is reaping the consequences of her behavior. In other words, she is creating her misery. Tragic situation I am observing from afar, as I watch lives being ruined by the actions of one who is choosing to reject sobriety.

It is with a heavy heart that I wrote about that situation because I know if she took the route of sobriety, she would be able to open her heart more to others, to herself.

At any rate, after honesty is used to help open your heart in sobriety, openness of heart and mind follows. It is crucial to be open to suggestions and new ways of thought once you get into sobriety. And, of course, willingness is the key after honesty and openness are achieved. Willingness turns the key in the lock of a closed heart. You can have all the honesty and openness you want, and until you have willingness, you cannot put your sobriety to work for you.

Once you have looked at yourself with honesty, openness, and willingness, once you have added compassion to the mix, your sobriety will be enhanced and you will be able to open your heart more.

How about you? Are you able to open your heart more now that you are sober? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being willing, honesty, honesty with self, living sober, open heart, open mind, Openness, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness

Staying Sober During the Holidays

November 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I see in the search terms, “Vietnam vets gets sober,” and that’s great! I hope it goes well for you. I hope it goes well for any of you out there who are getting and staying sober. How did it go yesterday? Was it difficult to stay sober through family functions? Were you alone, feeling somewhat sorry for yourself because of it, and drank? If so, I invite you to jump back on the wagon and follow along with my blog.

In my experience, what made Thanksgiving and the holidays difficult was dealing with family for whom I had a resentment. Because of those resentments, I wanted to drink, and before I got sober, that’s exactly what I did. I was in my home in Colorado, drinking in resentment over relatives that were in other states!

I resented, for example, that I “had to” get gifts for those that I wasn’t fond of. I resented having to get soooo many gifts. (I come from a large family). But we changed our method of gift-giving and drew names, so that resolved that issue. In later years, the adults stopped giving gifts altogether, and we just gave gifts to the children.

That helped to decrease my resentment. But I still couldn’t fully enjoy my family, still resented it was so large, resented one or another of them for something-or-other. I lived with such resentment. That was a big reason for my drinking. Wow. I am so glad that’s not me today.

Today, I enjoy my family, am grateful for each of them, even my grumpy brother who drives me nuts with his negative attitude. That all happened after I got sober and did some healing work. I grew fond of them, even though sometimes I don’t like them. I learned to accept their quirks, their foibles, as who they were and are.

Anyway, that helps a lot with staying sober during the holidays… having worked through some healing. What if you haven’t, though? In that case, I invite you to spend some time practicing gratitude, and find one thing about your family for which you are grateful. Focus on that thought, that feeling, and know that your drinking over a resentment, over them, will not help the situation, but will fuel your resentment.

I used to drink over my feelings, thinking it would numb them out, and what I found instead was that the drinking fueled my negative and angry feelings. Of course, I could’t see that at the time. All I saw in my drinking days was that I was justified in my anger, my resentment, my feelings.

After I got sober and ended up spending some holidays by myself, I learned to have a better attitude about it. It was a choice I made, so I would feel better and not want to drink. I chose not to be sorry for myself that I was alone and, instead, reached out to do something for those less fortunate. I visited old folks in nursing homes and an inmate in prison. He has become a close friend…

The message here is, to stay sober, make the choice to do something for someone else. You will feel good about what you are doing in service of another and you will want to remain sober so you can enjoy the experience to the fullest. You will want to be sober so you can be present for the other person.

It also helps to disengage from friends and family with whom you have a dispute. Make the decision that you want to stay sober and keep peaceful more than you want to deal with the family dysfunction, and do what you need to do to stay away from it. If you must be present, make the decision to stay detached from arguments, if you can. If things get to a point that you feel like drinking, politely excuse yourself and leave. You may get some flak, but do it for yourself anyway.

If you’re by yourself, watch for self-pity, as this can run rampant, especially during the holidays. To avoid getting mired in that pity, and to stay sober, make the decision to do something for another, for an individual, for a group. Make the decision to do something that will feed your soul, bring you joy and happiness for that moment. And then go do it. Helping others is truly a cure for self-pity.

So is doing something special for yourself, doing a special project you’ve not been able to get to. I have a friend who is struggling with trying to stay sober, and who spent Thanksgiving day by herself in a home she is losing to foreclosure in the next two months. A dismal and difficult situation, at best. And she made herself a full turkey dinner, intending to enjoy the last time she’d cook that meal in her home of 20+ years. I don’t know if she stayed sober, but here was a chance to practice gratitude… for all the holidays she HAD spent in the house, for one last opportunity to cook a holiday meal in her home, etc.

The key to staying sober during a difficult time when it would be so easy to go to self-pity, is to be grateful. Start talking aloud to yourself, listing the things for which you are grateful. Don’t forget to include your ability to cook and feed yourself, ie, for having a functioning body.

This post has gotten waaaaay long, and I need to end. I may continue this topic tomorrow, or I may decide I have said what I want to say. We shall see.

How do you stay sober during the holidays? Leave a comment and let us know your solution.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living

A Day of Gratitude

November 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Good morning,” she says while it is still barely morning… and Happy Thanksgiving, a day of gratitude. It’s almost noon and I haven’t gotten around to blogging yet. Yikes! Today, let’s talk again about gratitude, seeing as this is the day of Thanksgiving. I’d like to share with you the things for which I am grateful.

First, my home. After having lived in a van for three years and often not knowing where I was going to park for the night, worried all the time about the police coming in the middle of the night, I am so grateful to have my own house. I am grateful for the way I have it decorated, for it feeds my soul.

I have much gratitude for my kitty, Izzy, for letting me pet her often. You see, she is a feral and is shy of me, even after seven or eight years. She will not allow me to hold her, nor does she come onto my lap, but she walks in front of me all the time for pets. I feel so grateful to be shown her affection and for me to have a being on whom I can bestow my overflowing affection.

My sobriety is a source of gratitude, hugely, if that is a word. Without my sobriety, I would be dead, most likely. And, if not, then I’d be out on the streets. I show gratitude every day for waking up without a hang-over, clear-headed… That gratitude stretches to the healing that has occurred in the past twelve years. Much of that occurred after the fifth and sixth years, and I am so grateful for that. I would like to express gratitude over the forgiveness I discovered, which has led me to great peace and freedom.

I have gratitude for my 91 Honda wagon with the purple interior and faded paint on the hood and roof, for it is a great car, still going strong with 190,000+ on it. It suits me so well and has lots of room to cart my books around, in addition to everything I need when I do a speaking gig.

I am grateful for my family and friends, that they have stuck by me through thick and thin. Again, I have so much gratitude for the forgiveness I accidentally discovered, and have been able to forgive my parents. That has set me free.

There are many more things for which I have gratitude… my clarity, my health, the ability to walk and talk, to reason, to feel my emotions, to feel both joy and disappointment, and more.

And how about you? For what do you have gratitude? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: grateful, gratitude, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Gratitude for Waking Up Sober

November 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Gratitude for waking up sober” just jumped off the page for me, so I want to address that today. Boy, where to start? It is hard to know, because I am so overwhelmingly grateful for my sobriety. But for me, perhaps the most prevalent thing I am grateful for is that I do not have a hang over. I awaken clear-headed and I have so much gratitude for that!

I have gratitude that I can drive any time I want to, and I am not under the influence. I have gratitude that I can feel the range and host of feelings that I do. I have gratitude today for just about everything. But it wasn’t always this way. Oh, no, it wasn’t.

It used to be that early in sobriety, when I was going to 4-5 meetings a day, I would often meet my roommate either coming or going to the meeting. The one going would ask the one coming what the topic was, and that person often said “Gratitude,” to which the one going would say, “Oh, not again!”

You see, when I was early in sobriety, perhaps until the first few years were over, I was unable to be grateful. Well, with the exception of my gratitude for not having a hang over, that is. I saw nothing for which to express gratitude. I was still so mired in my hurt, confusion, and rage over my up-bringing, my past, so filled with grief over an unrequited love. It colored everything I did, everything I thought. Even writing gratitude lists as suggested didn’t work for me.

What did work was allowing time to pass and with that, healing occurred. As I began to heal, I began to have the ability to look around, to really see what was around me – the people, the love and support. A whole new world opened up when I became grateful and today, I am grateful for just about everything that occurs around me. And at the core of that, at the core of everything, is my sobriety. It is from this that everything flows.

How about you? For what are you grateful? As we move into Thanksgiving, the day of gratitude, what are your reflections, what do you see? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Sober Living Tagged With: grateful, gratitude, gratitude for waking up sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, what am I grateful for

The Purpose of Resentments

November 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning! I hope today is a pleasant day for you. I was affected by three search terms this morning: why is it important to respect rights of others, what purpose do resentments serve, and how does compassion help. Wow. Three very important issue and I’d like to address all three today.

Let’s start with why is it important to respect rights of others? In a nutshell, my response to that question is because it is the considerate, kind, and appropriate way to treat others. We each, in my opinion, have the right as people to be treated as if we matter, to have our rights as people treated with respect, to be respected for who and what we are. That is, unless we are harming others, and that I don’t respect.

But consider this, if we want our rights respected, we need to offer it to others first. Then it will come back to us. When we respect another’s rights, they thrive and grow, becoming all they can be. For example, my rights to have a safe and happy home, to be treated as a valuable being, were not respected while I was growing up. As a result, as an adult I had great difficulty being myself, let alone growing into my greatness. It was only after learning to respect myself that I overcame that early treatment and have been able to grow.

The rights we each have, in my opinion, are to be treated as valuable human beings, worthy of consideration and kindness. We have the right to be in safe environments, rather than ones in which physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional abuse are present. Consider that you want your rights to be respected and, therefore, you need to respect another’s rights for that respect to be returned to you.

Let’s look now at the purpose of resentments. In my case, my resentments served the purpose of keeping me a very closed and self-centered person, seeking attention in the form of pity. My resentments gave me something to spend my energy on. It gave me the free license to be critical and demeaning toward others.

Perhaps the most important role that resentments play for us is allowing us to avoid being responsible and accountable for ourselves. We place the blame for our woes or failures on another and that takes the attention and the heat off of us. After all, it is difficult to look at and own our own behavior, especially when it is poor behavior. This is the only benefit to keeping resentments and, in my experience, when cleared of them, I experienced great freedom and peace.

How does compassion help? Well, for me, compassion was the precursor to forgiveness. Compassion softens everything, allows us to see others as humans – fallible. Often, we can see our own behavior being played out by another, and that leads to compassion not only for the other, but for ourselves as well. Yes, compassion is a softening emotion, easily practiced when we look at our own foibles and bad behavior.

How does compassion help you? And do resentments serve a purpose for you? How about respecting the rights of others… what do you see as another’s rights? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassion for others, compassion for ourselves, resentment, resentments, respect, respect the rights of others, rights of others

Willingness is the Key to Sobriety

November 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I see that I forgot to write yesterday and I apologize to those of you who visited and found no new post. I think from now on, I will take Sundays off from blogging…

Today, the search term that caught my attention was “willingness is the key.” I wanted to write about this because it IS the key to sobriety and to so much more. Willingness is the thing that can bring so much into your life, when you practice it.

Webster defines willingness as the noun of willing, which is to act readily, cheerfully, and gladly. Notice it is to “act,” so willingness takes action on your part. I have found that to be willing, I have to approach situations with a new look, with new eyes. I have to let go of my idea of how things need to go, for example, take action and see what evolves as a result.

Willingness involves being open to what can happen in your life – open to change, open to new ways of doing things. It is a softening of your resistance so you can accept in the new. In the case of sobriety, it is being open to try it, to do it, to commit to it. If you are having trouble being willing, ask the Universe for the willingness to be willing to have willingness.

Once you show just a little willingness, the door opens wide and the ability to be willing comes flowing in to you. It is not just a softening of your resistance; it is also an excitement of anticipation of what can happen. In the case of sobriety, willingness will make or break your efforts.

First, you have to be willing to even get sober, to try sobriety. That involves acting readily to let go of alcohol as your friend and companion. Next, you will need to have the willingness to approach what you find in sobriety with an open mind – open to new ideas, new ways of doing things. It means getting rid of your contempt prior to investigation. The act of willingness allows you to look with excitement at what you are doing.

Along the way, you will need the willingness to feel your feelings without numbing them out with substances or activity, just being with them. If you show the willingness for this, the Universe will help you through your feelings. You will need the willingness to take others’ suggestions, even when you don’t want to. You may need to be willing to seek professional help, for example, to get through emotions related to the past.

Yes, willingness is truly the key to getting sober and staying sober. It is the key to open the doors in so many areas of your life. How do you practice willingness? Does it come easily to you, or do you struggle with it? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being willing, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness, willingness is the key

One Day at a Time in Sobriety

November 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and welcome to this rainy day, if you are in the San Francisco area… It is the rainy season here in the Bay Area, and I am not fond of the rainy weather. Oh dear, we are just at the beginning of the season. How will I make it through? I will make it through one day at a time, just like my sobriety. I accumulated 12 years one day at a time.

It is our tendency to want change to happen to ourselves and our situation right now, but that is not how things work in sobriety, or in life. Things evolve, they happen slowly when it comes to changing ourselves. My sponsor once told me everything in my life was going to shit because God was breaking me down to nothingness so He could rebuild me in all my glory, all my worthiness.

So, all the old messages and beliefs that I was worthless needed to be dispelled. I needed to learn to see myself with eyes of love, and the only way to do that was to strip me of all the old messages that I was no good. I was brought back to the past for the purpose of healing from it so I could move forward in the present. The only way to do that was one day at a time.

Then, each day was broken down into one action after another, a day of doing the next indicated thing, and then the next, and the next, and so forth, until the day had passed. It was difficult to get through some days, and sometimes, all I could do was take a nap or go to bed, even at 6 pm, for example.

If you are contemplating sobriety, or are in the middle of sobriety, you can adopt the philosophy of taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. By doing this, you allow yourself to see your past, the old messages of worthlessness, and you can begin to build upon the ashes that have become your life. Emotional pain may be needed for a time, and that will disappear as you replace it with good feelings about yourself, as your situation improves, one day at a time.

My suggestion to you is to start taking it one day at a time, doing the next indicated thing to do throughout that day, until the day is over and you can start over again the next day. Make plans only so they can move you forward, but let go of the outcome and be flexible with your plans, wants, and desires. Try not to live in the past or the future, but squarely in the present day.

So, tell me, how are you doing with living one day at a time in sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know how you do that and how it works for you in your sobriety.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: feelings of worthlessness, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

What Happens When You Surrender to Sobriety?

November 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I am going to address two of the search terms from early this morning – how to surrender to sobriety and joyous emotions. The reason I chose these two is because once you do get sober, you experience joyous emotions. I want to be very clear that my joyous emotions are possible only through my sobriety. I proved otherwise for 26 years of drinking.

The “how to surrender to sobriety” sounds like a plea to me. Sounds like someone is recognizing their need to start sobriety, and cannot get to surrender, can’t go there. I surrendered after spending several months in deep and debilitating grief over an unrequited love. So, my surrender was very difficult and when I finally asked for help, I was desperate. I was begging for help. You don’t have to get to that point.

On the other hand, my surrender to decide to attend a support group to help to stop drinking came with grace. The friend I was living with said to me that she had been to this group before and did I want to join her? I just quietly said yes, without even thinking. This part was easy. It was getting to the decision to quit, finally quit, that was difficult, that brought me to my knees emotionally. Let’s look at that for a minute.

I kept on and on with my drinking because I knew of no other way to deal with my pain over the unrequited love, over childhood issues. I was afraid if I quit, I would wither away to nothingness, that it would zap what little energy I had left. The reality was, starting in sobriety actually gave me more energy, I found, because I was not so badly hung over every morning, that I had to eat greasy or spicy foods to control it.

I couldn’t even name my pain, I was that far gone in the ability to know what I was feeling. The thing is, as I said, I was afraid to give up the only way I knew of to deal with the pain. What I didn’t know was, the longer I kept drinking, the longer I prolonged the ability to feel joyous emotions. I prolonged the ability to get through and past my grief over the unrequited love, the anger over my childhood. It was a vicious circle.

Let me just say that, in the end, I adore and cherish my sobriety and if I had one regret, it would be that I didn’t do it sooner. If I had, I could have spent less years in emotional misery from childhood issues. That’s because, with the aid of the support group, I was able to get to the point of dealing with the childhood issues and thus, healing from them.

If you were to ask me, I would tell you that sobriety is so well worth it. Yes, it sucks at first and sometimes for a few years. But in the end, when you clear out all the past debris, when you can visit the past only to make it possible to move forward in the present, you reach a space where you find peace and freedom. And joy. Tremendous joy and excitement about the things around you, especially the people.

Then there’s wonder. In sobriety. You see everything and everyone with great awe and wonder, as you focus on one moment to the next, taking it all in. Along comes grace, that space where you somewhat float along, where the ability to roll with everything that is going on descends upon you like a cloak. And, of course, there is peace, a deep knowingness that all is well, that all is going as planned.

I wish you well on your journey to sobriety and hope that you can approach surrender to it with grace and wonder, instead of with the attitude of giving up in defeat. Yes, you are defeated by alcohol, but that doesn’t mean YOU’RE defeated as a person. You have treasure trove of things to discover about yourself and others. Happy discovery.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I surrender to alcohol, how to find peace, inner peace, joy, joyous emotions, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, surrender

The Rewards of Sobriety

November 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I decided to speak about the rewards of sobriety because I am going to talk about an activity in which I engage, only because I am sober. Because of my sobriety, I have been able to heal from 38 years of huge anger and bitterness against my parents, as well as to recover form deep and debilitating grief that lasted seven years. Because of my sobriety, I am able to be a motivational speaker, sharing how I did that so I can be of service to others.

How did I do that, you may ask? Well, I got sober and the rest just seemed to fall into place over the years of healing I did. Note, though, that I took action. I took responsibility for my own healing by maintaining my sobriety, writing about my feelings, and getting professional help. The feelings uncovered were difficult and at times excruciating, and still, I maintained my sobriety.

I didn’t think I could do it. There were many times during the first five years that I would scream that sobriety was not better than drinking. Ah, but it is… once you get beyond all the debris of the past so you can bring forth the healing that needs to occur. In sobriety, you have abilities that you don’t have when drinking. For example, when in sobriety, you have the ability to be willing to consider new things, to look at things with new eyes, to hear differently. Willingness takes you a long way. So does gratitude…

You see, before sobriety, when you are still drinking, when I was still drinking, we don’t have the capability to open our mind to new things, especially when it involves looking honestly at ourselves, especially when it involves letting another be right… and on and on. You see, when we are drinking, we are often self-righteous know-it-alls who are overly concerned about ourselves… how we look, act, are being evaluated. We do everything to assure we get what we want, even if it is hurtful to another. These traits are common to alcoholics, I’ve discovered over the years in sobriety.

It takes so long to beat down the ego and the need for control that that’s why it takes some of us so long to find sobriety. I’d like to address the need for control for a minute. It helps to have compassion for those who try to manage and control everything if you understand where that comes from. Many of us who drink grew up in a chaotic, often abusive, environment, and as a result, are trying to be in control of things to avoid that chaos we’ve dealt with all those years. It’s a skill we mastered while living in that unstable environment so we could maintain ourselves through the craziness.

But the need to control gets in the way of your ability to get and maintain sobriety. As with any survival skill we learned and practiced during our formative years, you need to evaluate if it is serving you in present day. Chances are, these skills that saved your life are the very ones that are holding you back now. Being aware of all of this helps to keep you conscious of your behaviors. When you are conscious and aware of them, you can choose to make a change in them, from battling to control, to going with the flow.

When I say going with the flow, I do not mean you do nothing. Wrong. In sobriety, you will learn that life is a series of doing the next indicated thing in front of you to do. In other words, its a series of continual actions you take. You learn to be accountable for yourself, responsible, and that is a gift of sobriety, because it sets you free. You also learn it is a choice… yes, we always have a choice. Even doing nothing is a choice. Learning that is yet another gift of sobriety.

For me, it took a process of getting to the point where I realized I had choice in everything. I didn’t used to think I did, I was so mired in the blaming of my parents for my misery, so mired in blaming the rejection by an unrequited love. But I made the decision to keep in that space of blame. I could have, instead, elected to look at my own actions and behaviors that contributed to my misery. But I could no more do that then fly to the moon without a spaceship.

Well, here are some thoughts to leave you with for the day… thoughts about your sobriety and how it’s going for you, thoughts about what you may experience if you get sober. It is 1:43 am and I am up at this time of night because I awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I decided to blog. And, I am ready to go back to bed now. Good night. Thank you for being tolerant my rambling today…

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living

The Rewards of Sobriety

November 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Well, here are some thoughts to leave you with for the day… thoughts about your sobriety and how it’s going for you, thoughts about what you may experience if you get sober. It is 1:43 am and I am wake at this time of night because I awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I decided to blog. And, I am ready to go back to bed now. Good night.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living

How to Overcome Fear

November 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is dark and early at 4:38 am PST, and I see that fear was searched for three times yesterday, so let’s talk about that.

Fear can be positive or negative. For example, it is positive when it warns us of danger. We can jump right into the survival mode, the fight or flight state-of-being. But what about when it’s negative?

Negative fear includes such things as fear that you are less than, not good enough, fear that you’ll look stupid… things like that. When you go to this place, you are in a contracted, pulled in state, versus being free of fear which allows you to be open and expansive.

To identify fear, look behind your anger. It often hides there. When we are angry, usually there is fear of something attached to that anger, as is there hurt. Hurt and fear.

When you identify you are in fear, there are three things you can do to get through it to another mindset:

Once you identify the fear you are in, breathe, ask for help, and take action.
Now acknowledge you are in that fear state, stare it in the face. It will dissipate.
Choose to leave the fear state or stay in it.

Fear is an acronym standing for False Evidence Appearing Real. We take non-facts, figments and worries of our imagination, and we run with them, expound upon them until we think they are real. It is often based on something that didn’t or won’t happen. Keep an eye out for this and stop yourself when you catch yourself going to this place.

Perhaps the biggest antidote for fear is to take action, to choose to leave the fear state and take action despite the fear. That action might be small, such as contacting someone we have been putting off contacting, or huge to us, like approaching someone to be a joint venture partner. The thing is, you need to identify it and take action despite your fear. Go through the steps above, and you will find yourself moving forward through and past the fear.

What are some of the things you fear that you cannot seem to get past? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: fear, fearful, how do I get past fear

Overcome Despair with Sobriety

November 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I haven’t done the rest of my grief work yet, so do not have the rest of the process to report on this morning. I will have it tomorrow. Meanwhile, let’s talk about the benefits of sobriety, for with sobriety, it is possible to overcome despair and feelings of worthlessness.

When I was in my drinking days, it was easy to keep being in despair and worthlessness because the drink fueled those feelings, kept me in self-pity and blaming others. Then when I started in sobriety, the fuel for that fire was gone. Suddenly, I had to look at the actual feelings behind my despair, my worthlessness. I had to feel the hurt at a very deep level. I had to be responsible for my own feelings… and it was difficult.

Yet, by keeping my sobriety intact, I was able to ease my way through the feelings. My sobriety allowed me to discover a place inside where I wanted to give to others. And when I wanted to give to others, I found my purpose in life. When I found my purpose in life, the despair left me. It was only by staying sober that I became able to get outside of myself and really care about another, really care about being of service to them. It’s actually a glorious place to be.

But if you are in despair or feeling worthless, you cannot imagine that place, I know. At least, I never would have been able to imagine that place. Trust me when I say that it may be obtained. It is possible. So, let me tell you how I got there and maybe you, then, can get there yourself.

My despair dissipated when I told my story to someone and it was useful to him. Recognizing that, I came to the realization that by telling my story and how I recovered from a horrible upbringing, horrible anger and bitterness, horrible grief, it might be useful to others so that they, too, could get through and past their horrible experiences, their resentments, their despair.

It took being in a state of sobriety, where I was “clear” enough to recognize this. It took being in sobriety to be able to get beyond myself so I could consider another, could be of service. I did this by being willing to be open to what came to me, by being willing to maintain and practice my sobriety.

How about you? How can you take what you have learned in sobriety and be useful to another with that information? How can you be of service from that deep place of knowingness that we discussed yesterday… that place of great worthiness. All you have to be is two steps ahead of the person to whom you are being of service.

Move forward in your day with awareness. Be conscious of the ways in which you can be of service to another. Look for how your story, your experiences and the healing you’ve done-to-date could be useful to another. Remember… you only need to be two steps ahead. Then make the decision to be of service, to be of use and take action. May you discover your purpose as a result of this process, and may you replace your despair with hope, with feelings of goodness.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, despairing, how to get past despair, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Overcome Worthlessness with Grief Recovery

November 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

It is with a great deal of experience in the area of worthlessness that I write today. i.e., it is something with which I am quite intimate. You see, every day or so throughout childhood, I was called worthless, told I would never amount to anything. I grew up and flew the nest with that belief firmly stamped into my deep sub-consciousness.

This is how I started the blog that I planned to post yesterday. It ended up being 950 words, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to post such a long one, filled with a great deal of personal experience that I thought you’d find boring. I was afraid it would be too much. Confused, I took no action…

Interesting. I wonder how much of my inability to edit it down has to do with the effect that feelings of worthlessness have on me today, which make it difficult to speak about it without getting carried away. In other words, I believe that I still hold some feelings of worthlessness and they come up for me from time to time. Oh, I have made great headway. Example… in days past, I would forget to post, or not get to it, and I’d feel like a failure, worthless. I no longer go there.

Enough about me. At least you understand why I didn’t post yesterday and I hope you returned today for the post on worthlessness.

Before I write about that, I want to acknowledge all the Veterans who are reading this post and say thank you for your service. You have made a sacrifice that will affect you for the rest of your lifetime, and I want you to know that I recognize that, and am especially appreciative of what you did to help our country.

On to our topic… Webster defines worthlessness as being without value, without merit or worth. Worth is defined as that quality of a person that lends importance. I believe that we each have something of importance to bring to the world. I believe that at our core, we are each inherently good people, filled with worth.

Even though I believe this, I struggle some days with feelings of worthlessness, days in which I feel of no importance or value to anyone or anything. On these days, I have to consciously talk myself through it, reminding myself over and over that when my father called me worthless, it was a lie. Also, I consider that he said it, but meant it about himself, not me. I find I can them go to the affirmation of “I am worthy and worthwhile.”

I know the feelings of worthlessness I hold go deep within my being. So it was with interest that I decided to get help through this. An opportunity came along to be coached in a grief recovery program. What I have discovered is as expected… continued feelings of worthlessness, the grief from the feelings of worthlessness. I never even thought to look at what losses I endured as a result of those words. So I have been looking at that.

The losses I’ve identified so far are loss of self-respect, loss of all beliefs that I am a good person, loss of a positive image, loss of ability to receive acknowledgment or compliments about me and my work. I imagine more will surface. Next, the process involves allowing myself to feel those losses, the grief from losing those things. I then make a choice to let the worthless feelings go.

The next part of the grief process involves choosing one person with whom I wish to get closure, to put to bed my feelings of worthlessness. I, naturally, chose my father and his calling me worthless all those years.

As I explore my feelings, I come to a place of forgiveness for him. I get there by realizing that he was a wounded person when he said that, and I feel compassion for his woundedness. From that place of compassion, I have been able to reach forgiveness for him.

My assignment for the week is to write a letter of closure, putting to bed my feelings of worthlessness, breaking the connection of my father’s words with my current-day reality. I will be working on that today and tomorrow, so can report back on what I discovered through the process.

What about you? What wounds have you endured in life that have led you to develop feelings of worthlessness? Take a look at that/those and see how it/they manifest in your life. Then, identify all the losses you have experienced as a result of those feelings of worthlessness. Allow yourself to look at them, to feel them. Acknowledge the hurt you felt every time you were told you were worthless, or whatever it was that led you to develop worthlessness.

Then tell yourself that is not who you were or are at your core, the center of your being. Step outside of yourself for a minute and picture your outer self smiling to you, the real person. Smile with great knowingness that you are a person of great worth, with value to share with the world. Smile with deep belief and understanding that you are filled with worth and value, value to yourself and to others. When you slip into worthlessness, return to that place of knowingness. Gradually, you will find your feelings of worthlessness are fading away.

Well, I have managed to write another long post today, and I’m going to let it stand. I’ll return, hopefully tomorrow, to let you know how the letter-writing went. Remember your mantra for the day… “I am a person of great value and worth.”

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: feelings of worthlessness, how do I feel worthy, worthiness, worthlessness, worthy

Overcoming Worthlessness

November 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. There were four search terms for worthlessness and no value, so will address this issue. However, I am out of time today, and not able to write. I was locked out of my wordpress account until just a minute ago, and now I have to get ready to leave for a workshop I am attending on how to be a more dynamic speaker. I’m excited for the day!

I wish you well for the day, and for those of you feeling worthlessness and of no value, I offer you kindness and love, and the words that you can feel worth it, and we’re going to talk about that tomorrow. Please hang in there.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions Tagged With: I feel worthless, unworthy, worthless, worthlessness

Life On Life’s Terms In Sobriety

November 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I would like to share an experience I had in sobriety. The thought came to me because I am without heat – can’t get the pilot lit – and I have the oven on and open so I can have heat. I am bundled up in a blanket as I type. The experience happened while I lived and traveled in my van that I gutted and rebuilt in cherrywood.

my home, the van

I was in Arizona, looking for a place to stay for the night and I saw a sign for a canyon. Thinking it was truly a canyon, ie, at the base of hills and mountains, I set out down that road. Soon I was traversing a hillside, climbing up the side of a mountain. Not a canyon in my book, but hey. Here I was, couldn’t turn around, so I continued.

At the end, at the top of the road was a clearing and flattened area as I reached the top of the mountain. (I say mountain, but, being from Colorado, it was really just a hill.) So here I am, having reached the top, and my rear tire blows – I have a flat. Freaking out, I try to call an auto repair shop to come up and fix it, but no one would do that. I try to fix the flat and couldn’t get the jack up enough to get the tire off the ground so I can pull the tire off. AND, I discovered that my spare was very, very low on air, if not flat itself. This was truly a challenge to maintain my emotional sobriety.

The fact that I would have to spend the night on top of the mountain then became evident, so I snuggled into bed, and lit the oven for heat. I awoke refreshed, ready to set out looking for help. So I did. As I walked, I did what was taught to me in sobriety… I prayed for help, prayed for God to remove my fear, to show me the way.

First, I came across a pickup truck, with the driver passed out over the steering wheel. I could see empty bottles in the bed of the truck. As I started to approach it, I realized that he could still be drunk and might be a mean or violent drunk. I could see myself getting accosted, raped even, killed, left to die, and no one would know what happened to me. I decided to continue searching for help.

At this point, I was talking myself through the twelve steps, trying to maintain my sobriety, my emotional sobriety. I decided to return to the van and leave a sign on the main road that I was in trouble. You see, I was tucked in a little clearing off of the dirt road that went through the area. I put a red T-shirt on a bush by the road, hoping someone would drive by, see it, and stop.

After about an hour, lo-and-behold if I didn’t hear a vehicle approaching, so I ran to the road. There was a van coming down the road! THEY’D have a jack that would work for me, or they could give me a ride to town with my flat spare. They stopped and determined that my spare had enough air in it to get down the mountain, and changed it. I then followed that van down the mountainside, and I went on to a local tire shop, where I got a new set of tires for my old and worn ones.

Alls well that ends well. What I learned from the experience that helped my sobriety was that when I take action on my own behalf, help comes in the least-expected way. If I don’t force things, but let them come to me, they work out better than I could have expected.

So, for your sobriety, here is my input: Continue on your path, doing the next indicated thing to do and take action on your own behalf. Don’t force things to go the way you think they need to go. Rather, keep taking action, one action at a time and things will work out better than you planned. You will maintain your sobriety, especially your emotional sobriety.

How do you handle difficult situations in your sobriety? Do you fret and stew, forcing a solution, or do you take action and then leave the results to God? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Perseverance in Sobriety

November 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Let’s talk today about perseverance in sobriety. This was searched for this morning. Being successful in sobriety takes sticking to it, through the good and the difficult times. Both can be triggers to drink, so need to be addressed.

As in all things, practice brings progress, it moves you forward. If you set up a plan of how to manage things when you want to drink, or when your thoughts start to go haywire, you will be that much more ahead of the game.

When we are feeling good, doing well, we want to drink to celebrate, to feel even better. Therefore, we want to be vigilant when we experience good things, and fetch ourselves up if we are thinking about taking a drink. You can find someone to talk to or write your feelings of success in your journal.

Perhaps even more difficult is not drinking when we are experiencing difficulty, when our feelings are running amuck. In this case, again, you want to talk with someone; get support. A problem shared is a problem divided. The more you can share with someone, the more you will feel relief from the issue. Ask for support from others.

If you take a drink, then persevere and get back on the wagon as soon as you can. Try again to maintain your sobriety. But there are things you can do to avoid taking that first drink, such as thinking the drink through. Where will it take you? To jail? To the hospital? Think it through. Think where you will end up if you begin to drink again.

Above all, keep returning again and again to the maintenance of your sobriety. Do what you can to manage your emotions when they arise. As I said, talking to another is helpful. I also found it helpful to journal about my feelings, especially when I wanted to drink. That was frequent at first, as I was in huge grief over an unrequited love and I was flipping out emotionally. It was acutely painful and I wanted to numb it. Instead, I wrote about what I was feeling.

With action, prayer, and support from others, I was spared breaking my sobriety, and I am grateful about that. How do you deal with your sobriety when the going gets rough? How do you persevere? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Sober Living Tagged With: living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Practicing Honesty in Sobriety

November 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today we’re going to talk about what it means to have honesty in sobriety, or to be honest any time, for that matter. When you thought of honesty, your thoughts went to stealing or telling lies, right? If you don’t steal and lie, you are honest, right? Possibly. Possibly not.

It depends. Are you practicing honesty in your sobriety about your feelings and about who you are? It is easy, even in sobriety, to not be honest, to not tell the truth about your feelings, to not speak up for yourself when needed. Honesty means owning your bad behavior… identifying and taking responsibility for it by apologizing if you hurt someone.

How can you know if you are being honest? Well, you can ask yourself these questions… “When I am feeling badly, do I say that, or do I say, in a huff, ‘I’m fine?’” If you say you’re fine when you’re not, you are not practicing honesty in sobriety because you are not saying what is true for you in that moment.

You can ask, “When I have intentionally, or even unintentionally, hurt someone else, am I apologizing for what I said or did… am I taking responsibility for my bad or hurtful behavior?” If you apologize in these situations, then you are showing honesty in sobriety because you are sharing your feelings of remorse, you are being honest about what you are feeling in the moment.

Honesty in sobriety is all about unveiling who you are at your core. It is about who and what you are in each moment. For example, I spent the majority of my life being dishonest. Oh, I didn’t cheat and only told a few lies here and there to protect others, but I considered myself honest. Then, I had to look differently when I got sober and I re-assessed my honesty in sobriety.

I discovered many things. First, when I was hurting or hurt, I did not relay that to the other person, thinking I it was better not to hurt the other person or to bother them. The thing is, the energy behind that deception came out in other ways, usually by being a bit standoffish in my approach to them, or making snide comments to them. Being passively aggressive. Whoa! It’s embarrassing to admit that, but it was true.

The fact is, I was not relaying my true feelings because of fear. I was afraid that if I displayed honesty in sobriety, then the person would get mad at me and harm me in some way because of that anger. Now, I find myself learning to tell others how I am feeling in the moment, and I say it especially gently if I think it will be difficult for the other person to hear.

That’s just one example of how to practice honesty in sobriety. I could go on, yet I’m sure you get the gist and my point. In case I didn’t make my point, it is that you can be ever-aware of your feelings and relay them to others when they occur. First, however, you need look at what is behind those feelings. If what you discover is something that will not harm the other to divulge, then be honest with them about what you are feelings.

If. on the other hand, you discover a personal problem or issue, then you will not want to tell the person your feelings. For example, someone said something that hurts your feelings and you, upon reflection, realize your old wound of feeling “less than” was triggered. You can consider that the hurtful comment was not said to harm you, and you were sensitive it to it because of your wound; you can consider not saying anything. You can also consider saying to them that an old wound was touched when they said what they said, and that you are having difficulty dealing with it.

By divulging that much about yourself, you open the way to share your honesty in sobriety, to share who you are at a deep level, and you further the relationship’s deepening with your action. That is practicing honesty in sobriety at its deepest level.

How do you display your honesty in sobriety? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being honest, honesty, honesty in sobriety, how to be honest, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Judging Others

November 5, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Why do others judge me so harshly” is the search term that stuck out for me this morning. Most likely, it’s because I have spent a great deal of my life being judged harshly by another… I won’t say who, but you may be able to figure it out as we go along. Ay any rate, I have a sense of why people judge others so harshly because I know how I’m feeling when I am judging others.

Are you guilty of judging others harshly? If so, what are you thinking and feeling when you do? For me, I am thinking harshly of another when I am feeling the most insecure about myself. I would do well to fetch myself up when I start judging others and think about how I am feeling that led me to be so critical.

I hold others to my standards. The down side of that is that my standards are high and unachievable by some. Sometimes, they are even unachievable by me. They are unrealistic and at times, often, they are my parents’ standards. Boy, will I ever be free from the influence they had over me while growing up? I keep working on that, weeding out what is my belief, what is theirs.

I find I am judging others when I am feeling less than, insecure, and down on myself. Perhaps, that is true for others, too. So, when someone is judging you harshly, consider they are really reflecting their negative thoughts about themselves. That might make it a little easier to bear…

The other option, of course, is that they feel superior and will try and hold you to their standards. The trouble with that is, like I said, they are usually too high and unachievable.

I find that people are so busy paying attention to others, judging others, that they forget to pay attention to themselves and how they are in the world. Hmmm. Now, there’s an interesting thing for them to do with their time… to be aware of themselves in the world. Aware of their behavior, aware of how they treat others and themselves. Think of the harmony that would exist if that were the case…

The difficulty is, of course, that we can do nothing to change or guide the behavior of another. What our job really needs to be is watching ourselves… our behavior, how we treat others and ourselves. Sometimes, even treating others the way we what to be treated is not enough because we are not interested in treating ourselves very well. Aa a result, the “do onto others…” practice would not fare well.

At any rate, I find that since I have become sober, I am much less judgmental of others. From my participation in sobriety, I have gained the ability to hear what a person has to say, to bring up kind, loving thoughts about them in my head, rather than criticizing them for how they might look, for example.

I used to have this thing about tattoos and people with them. (Sorry if that’s you…) I frowned on them and the people with them. Then one day, I heard a highly tattooed guy share the most profoundly beautiful words and concept. My frown flew out the window, as I realized how my judging others almost kept me from hearing what this man was saying, and I would have missed out on a beautiful opportunity to grow, to see another human being in great depth.

Of course, judging others leads right to comparison. We compare one to another and find fault with “another,” demanding that “another” be more like “one.” In that process, we squash the spirit of “another,” and totally miss the beauty they have to offer the world, to offer you.

I will write more about comparing one to another tomorrow. To close, I would like to share two images from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing and the corresponding verses that go with them. They relate to judging others, and comparisons.

Practice of Tolerance

“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in them.

And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.”

Cultivation of Differences

“We ask, require, demand, that others around us be like us, share our attributes, our beliefs. And in so doing, we compare… one to another. In that process, do we not squash the spirit of the one who is different from us – one whose thoughts and dreams and talents lie in a different place?

We are like the gates. Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grown in another. On one, there is rust or corrosion or patina, while on the other is mellowed brass.

One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… if we will only see.”

Have a day filled with lovely thoughts.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: judging others, judgment of others, judgment of self, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

How To Strengthen Your Sobriety

November 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to strengthen your sobriety” is the search term that caught my eye today, although “how to deal with feelings of worthlessness” tugged at my heart. I chose writing about sobriety because I want to write about living in the solution in sobriety versus in worthlessness. It’s an easier place from which to start. And, worthlessness can occur in sobriety, so I will touch upon it.

Sobriety often starts out on a pink cloud, a feeling of euphoria for the first few weeks or months. The absence of hangovers is enough to be joyous about. Then, as the fog lifts and feelings start to surface, it can become difficult. Although my feelings were raw from grief over an unrequited love from my first day of sobriety, after about 6-9 months of sobriety they got really intense and excruciating. I used to yell at my sponsor that sobriety wasn’t worth it, that I was better off when I was drinking.

Well, yeah, I was, if you want to forget about the days when I was in such despair and feeling so worthless that I just sobbed and keened. I was better off when I was drinking if you forget about my extreme anger and bitterness against my parents that permeated to every area of my life. Oh, and forget about having a verbally abusive marriage, one in which I was emotionally miserable. If you forget all of those things, then, yeah, I was better off when I was drinking.

Wrong. For me, drinking took to me deep and devastating places in my mind and heart, fueled my anger and bitterness, my loss and grief. Somehow, these issues slipped my mind when I was in the throes of emotional pain over a lifetime of being discounted as worthless, useless, of no value what-so-ever. I had to feel the feelings associated with the loss of esteem, worth as a being, loss of a normal childhood, loss of emotional security and safety… That’s a lot to feel and to grieve. No wonder my feelings were raw.

Just to be clear, sobriety is absolutely worth it. It gets better and that acute pain fades as you do the healing work, but you must take action, do the work. So, what do you do when you are in that raw space, wanting to pick up a drink? How can you strengthen your sobriety? I can offer to you what worked for me…

I think the most valuable thing for me was the 4 or 5 -a-day support group meetings I attended kept me focused on the end goal… serenity and peace. When I was “wigging out,” as I so aptly called it when my emotions went raw, going to a meeting helped me to put things in perspective. It quieted my nerves, my thoughts. I did that for the first year-and-a-half of my sobriety. If I had gone to a rehab, though, I would have gotten a lot of concentrated, focused healing work, and I might not have required 4-5 meetings a day. I’ll never know. All I know is it worked for me.

The second most impactful thing I did was to journal every day with my non-dominant hand. Using my “other” hand and the “other” side of my brain led to the surfacing of all sorts of deep feelings. Research studies have been done, actually, which show that when you use your non-dominant hand to do tasks, it unleashes great creativity.

Equally as important was my voracious reading of spiritual books. Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation and The Dance were mind-altering for me, as were Until Today and One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla VanZant. Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now provided great insight into my habit of worrying about the past and future all the time. Gary Zokov and The Seat of the Soul, and there were many others. These books became my solace, my refuge, the place where I sought hope.

Reading this spiritual material helped me to develop my spirituality, which is needed for sobriety. It is essential to have some higher being or force that you believe in, so as to get help from that force when humans are not available. Sobriety is strengthened when you realize you cannot run the show, when you submit to being humble. It is strengthened when you choose to be honest, open-minded and open-hearted, and willing.

These are the things that strengthened my sobriety in the earlier days, for the first 5-6 years of sobriety. Now, it’s writing in my blog, being of service to others that strengthens it. What strengthens your sobriety? Leave a message and let us know.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living

Feelings of Grace

November 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Feelings of Grace” was the search term many times over this morning, so I will write about grace. I invite you to look up the meaning of the word in the dictionary or in wikopedia, as the description is lengthy. Just to recap, though, it is a pleasing quality, a favor, or thanks. It is an attractive quality, feature, or manner.

For me, grace is something that comes to me, that is a gift. Here are the image and verse that are in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Sweep of Grace

“Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

It swoops down on me and does things like give me the ability to show true compassion for another’s plight, another’s sufferings. And I mean at a very deep level. And grace allows me to offer understanding to that other through my words of solace and comfort. Grace is that gift that came to me in the form of a book that has allowed me to even know what words of solace and comfort are actually comforting and which are not.

I got that information, btw, from The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Edition, by John W. James and Russell Friedman. This book is appropriate for any of us because they deal with all losses that we experience, such as the familiar – due to death or divorce – yet they expand the scope of the need for grieving by adding losses due to moving when we were children, or even adults, to moving or losing a job, or losing a pet. They define it as any loss and we all have endured many losses during the course of our lives which they contend we have not addressed and which continue to affect our feelings, and, thus, our actions and behaviors in the world.

Grace is that pleasing favor which descends upon me and allows me to write these blogs, to share about my past, my personal life in a desire to be useful to you. It just quietly shows up. I feel knowingness deep within when it does, and that’s what part of being in grace is for me. Deep knowingness, abiding peace.

Grace is one of the multiple gifts I have received as a result of my sobriety. I’m sure I felt grace before getting sober, yet, I didn’t recognize what it was, probably thought it was my due right and something I caused through my efforts. Not that getting to grace doesn’t involve action on your part – it does – yet, I am referring to things that occur in my life due to the Universe’s grace, or God’s grace, that I set in motion the energy from which it evolved.

This is getting very deep for me and I will close by saying that grace is one of those things that brings a slow smile to you face, a deep contentment to your heart and soul, and I invite you to let it in by relaxing and seeing what flows into your life after you take action on a need, want, or dream.

May you have joy and peace on your journey.

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: feelings of grace, finding inner peace, grace, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, sober, sobriety, sweep of grace

How Showing Compassion Led to Renewed Affection

November 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to show compassion” is a search term from this morning that I would like to address, and it follows nicely on the heels of yesterday’s post. Today, I am going to talk about how I have had to show a lot of compassion in the past two days, all the while being worried I had lost someone near and dear to me in my life.

I’m talking about Izzy, my Izzy-girl, Mama’s Izzy. She is my cat of five years. I got her from my vet’s wife who spent her time adopting feral cats. Izzy was a feral kitten when I first met her. I had never had a feral and I had no clue how to deal with one.

What I have come to learn over the years is that I have to let her initiate any affection that exchanges between us. In other words, I cannot approach her first to pet her; rather, I have to wait until she comes around for pets and affection. I have had to learn to give my love in the way that she needed it, not the way I wanted to give it.

Izzy got her name because of her spunk, her feistiness. She was named after Izzy in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. Do you remember how spunky the main character, Izzy, was? That’s why I named her Izzy. It has suited her well. Izzy was pretty standoffish and defiant when I first got her, and this continued all the while there was another kitten in the house. Then, about 4 years ago, the other kitten, Emily, got out of the house and disappeared. Since that time, Izzy changed from that defiant, standoffish being to an amazing bundle of affection.

Oh, the affection has to be what she wants, on her terms. For example, she will not sit in my lap, nor can I touch her belly to rub it. Occasionally, she will allow me to scratch her ears and rub her neck. She has a routine whereby she parades in front of me when she wants a pet, and she will seek that out. If I initiate a pet, she will often shy away from me.

I used to take this personally, as an affront, that she put off any affection I extended first. Then I learned to see her with compassion for her background, deciding that she had a rough eight weeks of life to make her so leery of a human being. I began to be grateful that she would show me any affection at all, that she would allow me to be affectionate with her.

Since adopting that attitude, our relationship has soared. She follows me around, sits on the desk with me while I’m working, or sits behind me on the floor. She even comes in for pets when I go to the bathroom. Then there’s our bedtime routine. She hops on the bed and extends her paw, asking for pets, for attention, and we spend a great deal of time engaging in pets while I murmur terms of endearment.

I write about Izzy today because two days ago, all of this changed and I was frightened that I had lost her forever. I began to get afraid that all the ground we made had been lost, and that I would be spending my time with a feral cat living and hiding in my home, coming out only to be fed.

What happened was, she escaped out the front door two nights ago and she was gone all night. She may have come to the door to get back in, but I didn’t know about that if it happened, as I had gone to bed and locked the door. I felt awful doing that, but had to go to bed and certainly couldn’t just leave the door open.

She showed up the next morning for her breakfast, but her whole demeanor had changed and stayed changed for two days. Anytime I got within ten feet of her, she bolted, running for the cupboard she hides in when she gets scared. If I called her or said endearing words to her, she scowled and bolted. I began to get a complex and was quite confused about how to win her back. I quickly realized that, if it was going to happen, it had to happen on her terms, in her time-frame, but that didn’t stop me from getting pretty concerned that I had lost the connection we shared.

I was used to her putting me off when I returned from a trip, but she always warmed up to me within a couple hours of my return. And she never bolted from me, never shied away from me like she has been doing for the past two days. Never, even when she was a kitten. I was greatly saddened and was at a loss to know how to handle the situation. I finally decided to just let her be and see what happened. I began to feel compassion for whatever triggered her terror of me. I felt compassion for this wounded little being.

Then this morning, everything changed. She started talking to me when I got up, and not in an angry tone. She hopped on the bed for pets, and started following me around, parading in front of me, looking for more pets. Wow, my Izzy is back and I am extremely grateful! By seeing her with compassion, it allowed me to be patient with her, allowing her the space to return in spirit. Now I just have to figure out how to treat her for fleas, cause she’s scratching quite a bit this morning. It’s a difficult task to trick her into letting me pet her while I apply the flea medicine on her neck.

That’s ok, I’ll figure it out. I am just glad I was able to show her unconditional love and compassion, and that she has returned. What a great start to the day!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, how to be compassionate, showing compassion

Compassion – the Forerunner to Forgiveness

November 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I spoke about forgiveness and said that to get to forgiveness, one needs to feel and show compassion for the one who has wronged you. Compassion is sorrow for the sufferings of another, often accompanied with the urge to help. You can feel deep sympathy and tenderness for the other, but you might not want to help them, and that’s okay. You can still feel compassion.

I discovered how compassion can lead to forgiveness quite by accident. One day, after about 2 years sober, I was doing my second or third self-appraisal, in essence a performance evaluation. I was considering the few relationships I had had with men, and what I did to lead to their demise. One of the things I identified was the way in which I would get drunk and scream at these men how worthless they were, that they would amount to nothing.

I was appalled when I remembered this! I was responsible for the ravaging of their soul and it was a bitter pill to swallow. I felt compassion for them for having to endure what I inflicted. I also felt compassion for myself because I actually said those words to them, but I meant them about me; I felt worthless and that I wasn’t amounting to anything. I felt compassion for the wounded soul I was.

One day soon after this realization, the thought hit me that my father might have actually said those words to me repeatedly because he felt them about himself. After all, that had been the case for me, why not him also? I began to realize he endured his own wounds at the hands of his father. Suddenly, the door was opened a crack to compassion for him, another wounded soul.

With the door opened a little bit, I kept returning to that feeling of compassion and soon, after about another two years, I had found my way to forgiveness for both of my parents for the treatment I received while I was growing up. The feeling of peace that washed over me was tremendous. Years of pain and misery melted from me. The key to my forgiveness was the compassion I felt for my father as a wounded person himself.

You, too, can look with compassion at the one who wronged you. The chances that they received their own wounds is high. Think of them as you would think about any wounded person, feeling sorrow and sympathy for them. When you extend compassion to them, you will experience forgiveness, and this will lead to more peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace

How to Achieve Forgiveness

October 31, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“How to achieve forgiveness” is the search term which stuck out for me this morning. Interestingly, I just finished revising my report about forgiveness. You can get that report by leaving your email address to the right. The report details step-by-step how to get past anger and find forgiveness.

The thing is, if you are dealing with anger and grudges that you have held for a long time, they are affecting everything in your life. That anger winds its way into everything you do, affects everyone you talk to. You may be seeing the effects of anger in your relationships with your spouse, children, boss, or others. If you’re tired of this, then read on to find out the process of forgiveness.

Once you identify you have an underlying anger, you can make the decision to do something about it. Perhaps you are being forced into doing something about your anger, like… you are heading for a divorce or loss of your job. If something like this is the case, then you will want to read on…

To overcome anger and grudges, you need to look at forgiveness as a way to dispel that anger. Most people think that to forgive means you are condoning and pardoning what was done to you. That is not the case. You are not letting the other person off the hook, you are merely deciding to forgive because the anger is affecting your life.

To get a handle on your anger, your grudge, look at what is underneath the anger. It is usually hurt, or the pain of betrayal, for example. Allow yourself to feel that hurt, that pain. Then make a decision that you want something better for your life than a life filled with anger and bitterness. Make a decision that you want peace in your life.

Many people drink over their angers. In fact, resentments are the number one reason people drink, according to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was the case for me; I drank heavily to fuel my anger, my indignation. I stayed a bitter person for 38 years as a result. Then I found sobriety and after a while, that all changed. I found forgiveness and then I realized I wanted peace instead of anger.

Actually, I stumbled across forgiveness one day. I realized I did the very same thing to others that had been done to me in childhood… I called others worthless and no good. When I realized I meant those words about myself, I began to wonder if the person who said those words to me actually meant them about himself rather than me.

That opened the door to allow me to consider that person with compassion. Through compassion, I was able to discover a way to forgive. I do not condone what happened nor excuse the behavior, but I can see why it occurred and that has made all the difference. It was possible through my decision to get sober and then lead a life of sobriety. In order to remain sober, I needed to let go of the anger. Luckily, I discovered forgiveness.

If you are looking at your anger issues and thinking you need to do something about them, then you may wish to read the in-depth description of how to find forgiveness that is in my special report. Get that report by leaving your email to the right. In exchange, you will receive an occasional, about once a month, email from me with tidbits about ways to maintain peace in your life.

Here’s to your ability to find forgiveness. It leads to freedom like you have never experienced. May you enjoy it!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: dealing with anger, forgiveness, forgiving, How to Achieve Forgiveness, how to find forgiveness, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Overcoming Hopelessness

October 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

There were three search terms about hopelessness yesterday, so I want to address it. Hopelessness is the feeling one has that things cannot and will not get better. It is a feeling that you are at the end of your rope, cannot go on. It’s a miserable and difficult place to be.

I was about 5-6 years sober when hopelessness hit me full-force. Nothing I did mattered. I had no energy or “spark” to try anything new to get past the hopeless feeling. I just wanted to die and I prayed to God to let that happen.

Well, I continued to live until one day, I had the good fortune to discover my purpose in life, which gave me a reason to live, and that gave me hope. My purpose involves being of service to others. There is something grounding about being of service to others, something that makes your actions so much more meaningful than if you are doing something just for yourself.

I had been despairing and hopeless about the years of abuse I had endured; I believed there was no purpose to that experience. Then, I was shown that there was a purpose to that experience, and it was that I was to share with others how I healed from the effects of the abuse so that others might be helped past their pain and wounds.

With a purpose, my hopelessness was silenced and I came out of despair. All my actions had as my purpose to be of service to others. This further silenced my hopelessness.

You, too, can find hope when you discover your life’s purpose, your purpose right now. It may be to nurture your children or husband, or to share your story with others so that they might grow and heal. As you go through the day, stay aware of what is going on around you and notice when you feel “at home” with an activity or feeling.

Notice what you are doing when that feeling of being complete and whole comes over you. Perhaps, this is your calling… doing in the world the activity that brings you calm and peace. Once you have identified the thing that gives you great pleasure, keep engaging in it. If it is helping others through sharing your experiences and triumphs, then keep sharing.

To overcome hopelessness, uncover your purpose in life and engage in it. It will fulfill you, and you will get past the hopelessness.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: hopeless, hopelessness, how to find peace, inner peace, motivational words to the hopeless, peace

Living Sober Is Not Rewarding When You’re Dying Inside

October 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Living sober is not rewarding when you’re dying inside” is today’s search term that stuck out for me. How very true. When you’re in the middle of your healing, your growing, your awareness, living sober is harder than hell. It IS hell!

I can remember screaming at my sponsor that living sober was not better than drinking, that life was far better when I was drinking. It was at that time. However, I neglected to recall the emotional misery I was in inside during my drinking days. Also, I was not waiting for the pain to surface fully, to be healed, and then to dissipate. It does that, you know… comes upon us, makes itself known. We take action, or not, and the pain eventually gets less intense and soon dissipates. The more we take action, appropriate action, the faster it will resolve itself.

The best I can say when the going gets tough and the feelings get excruciating is to hang on and keep living sober. It gets better. It really does. It gets better and you begin to experience the rewards that I wrote about yesterday. Make it a mantra if you must… “it will get better. I am growing, and healing.” The thing is, the pain is being brought forward for you to experience so you can heal from the specific issue that is bringing you the pain.

The depth of that pain will vary from person to person and is directly related in intensity to the depth of the pain one felt with the infliction of the wound. To make it through, remember one thing: The depth of your pain is equal to the depth of the joy and peace you will experience. Notice I said “that you will experience.” That states that you WILL experience relief. And you will, as long as you stick with it and keep living sober.

In your efforts of living sober, I suggest you get help. Trying to do it alone is not necessary nor is it recommended. There is lots of help out there from support groups that deal with getting sober. For me, a 12-Step program worked wonders, and I was able to not only stop drinking as a result of my involvement, but I was able to heal emotional issues, as well. It will work if you are willing to hear with new ears and heart.

Back to me screaming at my sponsor that living sober sucked… As I stated, I was neglecting to recall the emotional difficulties I had experienced throughout my lifetime, the times when I was wailing… keening… in emotional misery. In my drinking and drugging days, I was searching for peace-of-mind, and it was ever-illusive. It was not until much pain had been brought up for me to deal with in sobriety that I began to feel better.

Of course, I had to take action. I had to put in the effort to heal. I had to look at how I was treated and come to grips with it. Coming to grips with it means I allowed myself to feel the pain of betrayal, confusion, hurt. There were losses I endured as a result of how I was treated… loss of safety, loss of trust, loss of a normal childhood. All of these losses had to be mourned and healed. I had to recover from them.

In order to heal from them, I had to feel them and it was awful. That may be where you are now in the process. If so, please remember, the depth of your pain is equal to the depth of joy and peace you will experience. Hang onto that thought through the rough times. Just keep living sober to the best of your ability.

Reach out to others; for the most part, they will feel closer to you and be anxious to help. Cry, wail, if you must, and wear yourself out. Do the dishes, take a nap, and don’t drink. Stay living sober. You will be rewarded in the end with feelings that exceed your wildest notions.

Where are you in the process? Are you dealing with difficult times right now? If so, I send you my heart-felt wishes that it works its way through soon, that the purpose of the difficult feelings is soon resolved. Remember that your difficult feelings are being raised so you can heal from the issue related to the original wound.

Take breaks from your recovery – some tasks can be healthy and can serve as distractions. Engage in them. Help another. Be of service. Know that you can define your purpose by telling another the message you have to relay to them, by speaking to them of your experience. Use your miserable times to set an example for another who is suffering, too. You’d be surprised how much inspiration your painful experiences can be to another because you will have demonstrated it is possible to be in the pain and not drink. Above all, keep on living sober.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I get sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Rewards of Sobriety

October 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Rewards of sobriety” is the search term I’d like to blog about today. I chose this term because there are so many rewards to sobriety which I would like to share with you in the hopes that you find it compelling enough to try sobriety.

I adore my sobriety. Right off the bat, I reveled in the lack of hangovers. You see, for the last seven years of my drinking, I drank myself into oblivion every night, and awakened with a horrific hangover every day. Every day for seven years I had trouble dragging my hurting head and sick stomach out of bed, so I would lie in bed watching movies on TVtill about noon. Then up I’d get and go to either Taco Bell or KFC for hot or greasy food to burn out or soak up the hangover.

It worked and I began to be able to function, even though still with a headache. I was extremely productive in those ensuing four or five hours until 5:00 pm, when I would start drinking all over again. A miserable existence, absolutely miserable…

I was always angry in an underlying sort-of-way. If I wasn’t grumbling about my dislike of something, how it wasn’t what I wanted or wasn’t good enough, then I was displaying full-blown tantrums, taking my anger out on others, usually my husband. I took it out on myself and it showed up as depression.

When you choose sobriety, you choose to awaken each day, awake and fully present and excited to greet the world, and greet it you will. You will delight in feeling physically fine, and especially get off on the clear-headedness you experience. Your attitude is one of gratitude, not anger, so your relationships with others are improved.

Then there’s the driving issue. Drunk, and even still while hung over, you are not all there to drive. In fact, you are dangerous to other drivers out there. I know, I know. You tell me you are just fine behind the wheel, a better driver drunk than sober. If you think about that for a minute while you are sober, you will hopefully see the falsehood in that belief.

When you choose sobriety, you can drive anywhere at any hour of the day and not have to worry about being pulled over for a DUI. You are TRULY a better driver, alert to what the other cars are doing around you, alert to where you are on the road in relation to them. Your reactions are quicker. But the best part of this reward is that you can drive at any time and feel safe behind the wheel.

Another reward of sobriety is the acute awareness you have for the world around you… the plants and vegetation, the architecture, other people. It is possible to focus-in intently on those things, and because you are able to do this, you will experience awe and wonder. These are pretty exciting to feel, especially for the first time and especially when you realize what is causing that feeling of goodness. It’s hard to look around you in the world and not be inspired, awed. So this is clearly another reward of sobriety.

Perhaps the biggest reward is your ability to see how your actions and behaviors have affected yourself and others. You begin to be able to see how you started a fight, for example, or are keeping a resentment going that was your doing in the first place. You also begin to be able to apologize to others for your harmful behaviors, your hurtful words. This reward will help your relationships to soar, as you discover a softer, more approachable side of others and yourself. You will be able to go down the road of forgiveness, both of others and of yourself. There are huge rewards and you will relish them once you learn how to practice them.

Ah, there is one bigger reward of sonority, and that is the ability to reach peace-of-mind and to live in grace and gratitude. This you will not want to miss…

What are the rewards of sobriety that you seek? Have I addressed them above? Leave a message and tell us what the rewards are for which you search.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Overcoming Feelings of Worthlessness

October 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. Please forgive my silence for the past three days. The days got away from me while planning and preparing for my workshop that is today. I hope you have enjoyed looking at the images and reading the verses… There were three searches for worthlessness yesterday, and I will address that today.

How did you learn or come to believe that you are worthless? In my case, I was told I was worthless and would never amount to anything every other day or so while growing up, and I got to adulthood feeling a great deal of worthlessness. It has been a lifetime of trying to overcome that, and on most days, I am successful.

How about you? You must be stuck in the feeling of worthlessness if you are searching for that term. Webster defines worthless as without value or merit. It is pretty devastating to believe you have no value, no merit. And the thing is, it is false. The truth is, you ARE worthy, you are of value and merit, simply because you are a human being alive on this earth, with experiences and wisdom to share with others.

Worth is further defined as that quality of a person that lends importance, value, merit, etc., and that is measurable by the esteem in which the person is held. Worth implies an intrinsic excellence; intrinsic means located within, not dependent on external circumstances. Worth is inherent… which means existing in someone as a natural and inseparable quality or characteristic. It is inborn.

So you see, just by definition, you are valuable and of worth, and can begin to shake off your feelings of worthlessness. Yet, it still needs to resonate with your heart that you are valuable, worthwhile. And therein lies the difficulty. Until you feel in your heart that you are worthy, that you have merit, then life is difficult and you are left feeling worthless.

What I have to offer as wisdom is what has worked for me to dispel, to hold off, my feelings of worthlessness. It is something I do in present day when I have feelings of worthlessness. The first thing to do is to practice being aware of when you are feeling worthless. For example, when I believe I have failed at something, the feeling of worthlessness accompanies that feeling of failure.

The problem could be that you don’t know when you are experiencing worthlessness. For me, I know I can slip to that space of worthlessness when I am feeling defeated, feeling that I goofed somehow, that I blew it. My thoughts don’t stop with those thoughts; instead, they continue twirling downward until I have decided that I have no value as a person, that what I offer is not wanted by others, that I suck as a person.

It is at that point that I need to stop and realize I have gone to that space. Actually, I need to catch myself before I get to that place. To do that, I recognize that my trigger to feeling worthless is a feeling that I blew it. When I feel that, I start talking to myself, building myself up, telling myself I am still a good and valuable person, telling myself I have experiences worthy of being shared with others.

So, I consciously go into the “build myself up” mode. That helps to hold off the feelings of worthlessness. Then I try to write about my feelings of failure, getting at what is behind them, and always, always, building myself and my abilities, my inherent values, up, always touting them. I don’t do it to brag or to admire myself. Rather, I do it to keep myself from sliding down the worthlessness hole. It works to keep me from going there.

You, too, can start monitoring your thoughts, starting with being conscious and aware of what triggers you to go to that space of worthlessness. Think of it as an adventure to solve the problem, to find the trigger(s). Once you do, stay aware of your behavior and your internal thoughts and feelings. When you reach your trigger point, start talking positive to yourself in an effort to prevent a slip into worthlessness. When you have tried this, leave a comment and let us know how that worked for you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: feeling unworthy, I feel worthless, not worthy, unworthy, worthless, worthlessness

Quotes on Life with Images

October 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

This, “quotes on life with images,” was a search term that found my website this morning. I recall using that as a keyword phrase, perhaps… What I what to really focus on is the term, because what I have to offer you today is quotes on life with images. They are taken from my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Visions of Gratitude

When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate,

everything around and within me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.

Moments of Wonder

Do you suppose there has always been such richness, such beauty in the world?

Perhaps it has been there all along,

waiting to be noticed, to be seen, with the eyes of the heart.

Invitation of Dialogue

If we as individuals cannot speak to each other,

how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?

Warmth of Humility

Rather than take on everyone else’s dreams, desires, and expectations,

can I not look humbly at what has been placed before me?

Openness of Heart

We will grow through the barriers of our heart and

be able to fully experience the richness of life.

Promise of Peace

When I practice the principles of love for myself and others,

the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk,

and peace rises to greet me.

Balance of Serenity

I am serene, carried by the winds to places where

I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.

Burst of Joy

My heart bursts with joy!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being grateful, being humble, gratitude, how to find peace, humble, humility, inner peace, joy, peace, peace between nations, Quotes on Life with Images, serenity

Motivating Words to the Hopeless

October 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“Motivating words to the hopeless” was a search term that found my site yesterday. It plucked at my heart strings when I saw this, as I know how horribly deflated one is when they feel hopeless. I just had to offer words of hope, because I’ve had it turn around for me, and if, through my sharing, it can turn around for you, then my heart is full.

I left a fairly rotten childhood with feelings of hopelessness. Yet, I woke up each day, hoping things could get better, searching for a way past the feelings that everything was hopeless. I went through my life, drinking and drugging to numb those feelings that I was hopeless, that I was hopeless, mind you, not that my situation was hopeless, although my situation certainly factored in.

It was not until the age of 48 that I got sober, and then it was 5-6 years into sobriety during which time I felt hopeless. While underlying everything was that feeling that I was a hopeless case, a hopeless person, it showed up as feelings of despair, not understanding what the purpose of my life was, seeing no purpose in my abusive childhood, for example, seeing no purpose to me being alive.

I started to pray to God to let me die because I was too afraid to commit suicide and fail. One day, I was at a meeting and afterwards was able to help a man who was struggling emotionally, just by sharing my story and how I had found the healing that I had up to that point. He was so grateful, tears came to his eyes.

I left and realized that my abusive life had had a purpose. If it hadn’t occurred, I never would have had the need to heal and recover from it, never would have learned what I learned, never would have been able to help that man. Suddenly, in an instant, as though struck by lightning, I realized that my life had a purpose, that I had a purpose, and that purpose was to speak to people feeling hopeless, in an effort to relay that hope is reachable, that it is possible to have, to achieve.

That’s how getting past feeling hopeless came to me. It was through my giving to another that I realized my worth and developed hope. For yourself, are you willing to go there? To be of service to another? Do some thinking about your level of willingness and write about it. If resistant, write about that, too, and see if you can get past it and resolve it.

Then search your lifetime for something you have overcome. If you haven’t overcome anything, then create something, overcome something. For example, you could become sober and need only be 2 steps ahead of the guys with no sobriety, and when you talk to that man or that woman about the benefits of your sobriety, it gives them hope. That becomes your purpose, to give hope to another person trying to stay sober for just one more day.

So, what if your thing is not drinking. Certainly, you have some obstacle in your life to overcome. Work with and on that. When you have overcome it, you have a purpose, which is to relay to others who are suffering from it, how to get past that obstacle. See how it works? Once you find yourself being of service to another, your life will change and your feelings of worth will increase, those feelings of being hopeless will fade away in the glow of your service. All it takes is one person with whom you share your gift.

What is the situation that leads you to feel hopeless? What is your obstacle you have or will overcome? How can you be of service to another and spread the word of hope?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: hopeful, hopelessness, living sober, motivating words to the hopeless, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

The Power of Gratitude

October 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

When put to use, gratitude is very powerful. Even more so, it is magical.

I will move into gratitude today for two reasons – 1) it was a search term and 2) it enhances everything you do in life, and it can help you maintain sobriety. Gratitude assists in the forgiveness process, too.

What is gratitude? According to Webster, it is a feeling of thankful appreciation for favors or benefits. To me, gratitude is pleasing and I am thankful for what I have received, whether I have asked for it or not. I am thanking a higher being, or source, showing and sharing my gratitude.

There was a long period in sobriety during which I could not be grateful for anything. In fact, my roommate and I used to meet each other while one was on the way from a meeting and one was on her way to a meeting. The question would always be, “What was the topic?” The answer invariably was “Gratitude,” to which the other would exclaim, “Gratitude AGAIN??”

The thing is, I could not get past the hurt and pain of my past enough to be grateful for anything. It took me several years sober before I seemingly overnight, began to have extreme gratitude. Oh, but I remember the incident vividly. It is the same day that I realized my life’s purpose and my calling.

Once I did, the whole world changed for me in my ability to be grateful for all the gifts I was receiving. In fact, I began to look at my experiences as gifts from which to learn and grow, to heal and thrive.

I still do today… look at experiences as gifts for my learning, healing, and growing, and I see them with gratitude. Sometimes, when I am in the middle of it, I don’t see it as a gift, though. But it works its way through, and I begin to see the gift. Staying sober helps a great deal with that, and that’s the topic of another blog.

If you’re having difficulty being grateful, expressing gratitude, then try this. Every morning when you wake up, whether you lie awake for awhile, or bound right out of bed, feel gratitude for waking up. That’s it, just for waking up.

Even if you would rather not continue with life and not waking up sounds like the solution for you, set that aside for a bit if you can, and just be grateful you woke up on this day, that you have one more day to hope that things will turn around today, or one more day to stay sober. Whatever your difficulty, think of it as one more day to have things change.

It takes courage, and a lot of willingness. And if you’re beat down so low, perhaps those are the only games in town. You have a choice to grab hold of willingness and courage, or keep with the status quo.

Back to our daily exercise. Practice greeting the day with gratitude for two weeks. For the following two weeks, keep doing that and add this: throughout each day, remember back to waking up and being grateful that morning. When you can remember what that felt like for you, be grateful you were able to experience gratitude, able to be grateful. Be grateful for the courage and willingness you used.

After a while, you will find yourself showing gratitude for getting great parking spaces. It works to elevate your mood, and it’s easier to be around others, and they around you. Remember, gratitude begets gratitude.

How does gratitude manifest for you? Are you able to express it already? If not, was the exercise helpful? Leave a comment and let us know.

Are you resistant to this or even to the exercise?

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: being grateful, getting sober, grateful, gratitude, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Is Sobriety Worth It?

October 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Is sobriety worth it? During early sobriety, I didn’t used to think so. The feelings that were surfacing were very painful and it was worse than when I was out there drinking. But, by the grace of God, I stayed sober and discovered that sobriety is soooooo worth it!

To start with, you will wake up without a hangover. This is so glorious! Awakening clear, bright, not hurting… these are all things you will want to experience.

You will have clarity throughout the day, thinking clearly about things which come up. This may not occur for a while, though, until after your head clears from the fog of the alcohol. Give it time… you will clear up.

There will be more time for you to devote to tasks and projects. Some of you may not have projects to do, may feel a bit lost with all this newly-found free time. Use it to write in a journal, to take walks, to clean the house, sort through old papers… The point is, find yourself things to do to replace your drinking time.

Those are some of the things you will physically experience. What about emotionally, mentally? That’s where it gets really exciting. If you are like me, you will start noticing the world around you in more detail. You will have the time, and will take the time, to admire the flowers growing in your yard, the neighborhood, along the freeway. You will delight in the beauty of nature, awed by its intricacies.

After a bit of time and work in sobriety, you will notice that you are calmer. You are able to be more introspective, noticing things about yourself and your behaviors that you missed out on before. This is an excellent time to do a self-appraisal, to praise yourself for the positive things you do and say. Instead of getting embarrassed and ashamed of your negative behavior, you will critique your behavior and actions, wanting to set right what you have bungled with others.

If you get into spirituality in order to maintain sobriety, you will lose yourself in it, reveling in the literature and spiritual authors. Ah, yes, yet another thing to do with your new-found time. Reading… it is very calming, or can be. I read Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book The Invitation. It resonated with me at a deep level. That was my first book in sobriety and I added to it Iyanla Van Zant, Melody Beattie, Eckhart Tolle, to name a few. The amazing thing is, you will be clear enough and calm enough to read.

Then, there is the issue of your relationships with others. No doubt you are no longer being as obnoxious as you were while drinking, and people will be more willing to spend time with you. You will have less arguments, and are more able to look at disagreements rationally, with fairness, taking into account your own behavior and how you contributed to a situation.

These are just a few of the marvelous things you will experience in sobriety. It is truly an amazing journey, filled with awe and wonder. It may take some time and work to get to that point… look at healing your old wounds and hurts. Look at your resentments and try to resolve them through compassion and forgiveness.

For you who asked if sobriety is worth it, I give a resounding “yes!”

If you are considering sobriety, I wish you well on your journey and I hope you choose to get sober. It is an amazing life and you will learn to clear out all the old “stuff.” Yes, sobriety is well worth it! It will lead you to peace.

Filed Under: Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, is sobriety worth it, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Are Resentments?

October 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Resentments are grudges or angers we hold against another or ourselves. They can be major or minor.

This is the start of my post yesterday, Thurs the 18th of October. Then, nothing came to me, and I decided to wait till the afternoon to write. I forgot… This morning got away from me and I had to leave for my volunteer job. My apologies for no post yesterday or earlier today. I hate to have you come here and not find a new post when that is what you’re looking for…

Many people carry huge resentments… years old. I did. I carried mine against my parents for 38 years, and fueled it with drinking and drugging. I was one wound-up, angry woman! Provoke me and watch out… My husband got a lot of my wrath, and in all fairness to me, I must say he slung his mud my way, too, and many times that’s what I was reacting to. Mostly, I kept my mouth shut. All that did was build the resentment I had against him for his verbal abuse, and many other things. Life was filled with drama…

Is this a familiar story for you? Sound like your life with different circumstances, perhaps, but the same gist? How is your life working?

Maybe your resentments are smaller than a full-blown rage against Uncle Harry for something he did years ago. Maybe, it’s an issue in traffic, when someone cuts in front of you and then slows down to 5-10 miles under the speed limit. Do you do the slow burn in that situation? I do sometimes… Or how about the neighbor who plays loud music late at night… do you begin to momentarily resent those things?

The point is, we deal with even minor issues that lead us to generate resentments, which are things we go over and over and over again in our mind. If we have a momentary anger and were able to resolve it by taking action of some sort, that is not a resentment. The on-going thinking of the offense is what makes it a resentment.

What are we to do with these annoyances, these little things that get under our skin? Ah, there is relief. Let’s take the example of the driver who pulls out in front of us and then slows notably. This driver is oblivious, unconscious. Don’t you have to have compassion for someone who is so clueless in their life? I’m saying “in their life” because if, while performing a function in which one wants to be fully present, they are so absent, chances are they are like that in all areas of their life.

I feel compassion that they miss out on all the miraculous things that occur in front of us all day, every day. The beauty, the mystery, the bad experiences that lead to good outcomes… They are leading a life similar to the one I led before sobriety, before I learned to deal with resentments by learning to manage all the things I mentioned above. But at least I was a conscious and aware driver.

The next time you get peeved about something that seems small, yet it develops into something that consumes you, try offering compassion. You will begin to see many things about which to be compassionate. It takes some practice, and is so worth the effort in the end. It offers you peace and calm.

Does this give you some idea of what a resentment is, you who searched for this term yesterday morning? I hope so. How does my suggestion to see the other person with compassion sit with you? Does it resonate, or make you angry and resentful that I would suggest compassion as a course of action? Leave a comment and let me know.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, resentment, resentments, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, what are resentments

Dealing with Harsh Judgment

October 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning. Two search terms stuck out for me today… “dealing with harsh judgment” and “to acknowledge oneself.” I’d like to address each of these, as they can flow, one into the other.

When is the last time you dealt with harsh judgment from another? Perhaps they criticized you directly, or they criticized your work. Either way, the result you are left with can be the same… embarrassment and shame, loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth, defeat… In short, the feelings you are left with after being harshly judged are not pleasant.

Old Building at the Wedding

I recently had a judgment made of the photos I took at my nephew’s wedding. Although not a harsh criticism, it brought forth all my “stuff.” All but one of the pics were great… nice composition, exposure, and subject matter. Yet, when I emailed them to another family member, the comment I got was, there were “some” good ones, but there were some that were bad.

First of all, permission was not asked to critique the photos. Yet, the comment came from one who is highly judgmental. Even though I know that person is like that, I resented the judgment of something which gave me great pleasure shooting in the first place. They were actually great pics and all the rest of the family members said so, yet I have the judgment of one-out-of-many stuck in my mind, my heart.

It’s the same all over again from earlier years when I was told by the same person that “a real nurse would be an ICU or ER nurse.” This comment was made in response to discussion about my work in State government, where I was working in the Medicaid department and initiated, designed, and operated a program that allowed technology-dependent Medicaid-eoigible children to be cared for at home with private duty nursing services, rather than stay in the hospital ICU. I needed to be a nurse to be doing this type work.

It was ground-breaking work at the time, and served to bring about great medical, developmental, and social gains for the children. And I was reduced to nothingness when that remark was made. Even today it has the power to grab me and send me to that pit of not being good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for this person because they judge everything so harshly. Nothing is just appreciated for what it is, as it is. They always want more…

I know this person is like this, highly critical and judgmental, and still, I am thrown by the unwelcome judgment. It brings up all the feelings from growing up that I am no good, never good enough. My excitement to share of the pictures plunged. I found myself asking other family members what they thought of the photos, if they were liked and appreciated. Everyone I asked told me they were great. Yet, I still am affected by that comment.

What can I do to get beyond the hurt, the lack of confidence, the anger at this person for their highly critical nature? This is where “to acknowledge oneself” comes in. I have to step in and consciously talk to myself, praising my work, in this case the photos. I have to let myself know that I did the best I could, that all but one of the pics I sent were of good photographic quality. I have to remind myself and accept that no matter what, this person will find fault with me and what I do.

To get back on kilter, I need to acknowledge myself with kindness, caring, gentleness… I need to hold in my heart the knowledge that I am good enough as I am, acknowledge that my efforts are pretty good. I need to stop judging myself, and I need to grieve the loss in my life of someone to praise me, to encourage me and my talents and instead, give those things to myself.

It hurts though, that ever-present criticism. Even as that hurt arises, I remind myself to acknowledge me and my talents, to look at things with a true sense of reality, rather than allowing me to be colored by the constant negative comments. Having done that, I can now apply the principle of compassion to this person who is always negative, for whom nothing is good enough. I feel compassion for one who cannot see the positive around him in his world. He’s missing out on so much…

When have you received harsh judgment recently or in the past? How did that feel for you? Try to identify those feelings in response to the criticism. Consider the source of the harsh judgment and know that the judgment is not true, not accurate. Acknowledge yourself for all the good that you are. Talk yourself up and believe it. How do you feel after doing those things? Leave a comment and let us know.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: being judged by others, harsh judgment, judgment, self-judgment

More About Resentments – Living Free From Them

October 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Eeeergh! I just wrote a wonderful blog about resentments, but posted it into a new page, rather than a new post. I had to go in and copy the post from the page, and I did that, but forgot to save the new post before I went back to copy the title of the blog. In the process, I lost the post! The worst part is, I cannot remember what I said… again, eeeeergh!

Well, here I sit, trying to recollect what I did say…. and I am drawing a blank. So, I will start over. Speaking of resentments, I have one against myself, and that is, I resent myself for my loss of memory, my inability to remember from one minute to the next.

I could rail against myself, really get into the resentment and feel sorry for myself, but that leads to that slow churning gut I referred to yesterday, and I choose not to live like that today. I think about a seminar I attended a month ago, in which I learned that my years of drinking and drugging eroded my hippocampus, the center of the brain responsible for memory. So, I can now work on forgiving myself for all the years of substance abuse. I can make a joke about my memory loss, understanding that it just is what is; and I can accept it and move forward, despite the limitations it poses for me.

Speaking of substance abuse, I recall a portion of my post from earlier today. Do you know the CDC cited 11.8 million substance abusers in the US in 2011? That’s mind-numbing! It is a well-known and documented fact that resentments are the number one reason people drink. Therefore, it is startling to realize that for there are close to 1.8 million people who live with resentments on an on-going basis.

Boy, there are a lot of resentments flying around! My major one, the one I harbored and nursed with drugs and booze, the one that lasted 38 years, was against my parents for my upbringing. About six years into sobriety, I got into a deep despair over the futility of my life and the events that occurred as a child. I saw no purpose to it, to me or my life.

Then I had the opportunity to help a man who was in acute emotional pain. I talked with him after his share at a meeting and relayed resources I had discovered along my path that were helpful in my healing from childhood issues. He was so grateful, his eyes filled with tears. I was deeply touched, and I realized my past had been of use to someone else. There WAS purpose to my upbringing, I had purpose!

Since that day, I have had no difficulty with despair, and have continued along what I believe my path to be, which is to share my story in the hopes that it will be of use to another. If we can use the knowledge of our painful experiences for the purpose of helping another, it helps to diminish our resentments.

For example, you Vietnam vets can work with newly-returning vets and give them a proper welcome home, a thank you for their service. This you can do to make use of what you endured. Suddenly, you can see why you endured what you did… to be useful to another. You know how hurtful it was to be received so poorly, to not get a welcome home, that you do not want others to have to experience that. And that is how your experience can be of service to others. I understand one of the Vietnam Veterans of America’s purposes and activities involves working with new vets to welcome them home. Ah, such a beautiful way to turn around your pain, your resentment.

When we put to use our resentments by turning them around and doing good for another to so they can avoid what we suffered, it helps to dispel them. What a wonderful thing to be able to do! It is incredibly freeing and it leads to peace.

How are you using your resentments to good use? How are you helping another to avoid what you suffered? Leave a comment and let us hear how you are doing that.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, resentment, resentments, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

What Are Resentments and What Can You Do About Them?

October 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Today let’s talk about resentments… grudges, anger toward another. Webster defines resentments as feelings of hurt or indignation from a sense of being injured or offended.

When feeling resentments, one is overcome by bitterness and anger. It’s a slow burn in the gut. Much emotional energy goes toward justifying one’s resentments, leaving a feeling of incompleteness. There seems to always be a feeling that you are right and justified in feeling your resentments, but that does not provide relief from them.

If you experience resentments, you know what I am talking about when I say they produce a slow burn in the gut. You relive that anger again and again, over and over. Many people drink over their resentments. In fact, it is a well-known and documented fact that resentments are the number one reason people drink.

So, how does one get past them?

First, there has to be a feeling that you want to resolve your resentments. You are tired of that slow burn and the emotional havoc they play. To resolve a resentment after deciding you want to resolve it, you can follow the steps below.

Humbly look at the situation and determine if you did something to provoke another. Did you say something or do something to hurt another? If so, look at whether the other person responded in an expected manner in response to your actions or words. If this is the case, own your behavior. Recognize that you were in the wrong and give up the resentment. Apologize if that is indicated to set a situation right.

If you did not contribute negatively to a situation and can still say you were wronged, feel that wound, feel how devastating the event was. Grieve the loss from it… loss of trust, loss of safety. For example, the Vietnam vets who were wronged by the American people when they returned home need to consider how they lost their trust in the public. To come to resolution of their resentments, they need to grieve that hurt, that loss.

Now consider looking 180 degrees, with new eyes. Choose a life of peace rather than one filled with resentments and bitterness. To do that, hold yourself in compassion for being a wounded person. Before going on to the next step, allow yourself to feel that compassion for as long as you need. Try not to cross the line from compassion to self-pity. Compassion is open and expansive, while self-pity is closed and contracted.

Finally, consider that the other person was, in fact, wounded themselves and was demonstrating the humanness of a person in emotional pain. Offer them compassion for their pain. Keep repeating this process of looking at this person with new eyes until the resentment begins to lessen.

In the case of the Vietnam vets, consider that the American public was terrified, looking for something or someone to blame to lessen their frustration about what was happening at the time. In their ignorance and lack of ability to place blame in the right place, they unfairly took it out on the vets as they returned home. It is possible, even though that experience was horrible and highly uncalled for, to get past those resentments against the American people.

When you deal with your resentments in the above manner, you will find a freedom that is most rewarding. Your relationships will be more satisfying, and you will experience more peace-of-mind.

What has you trying to cope with resentments? Can you define one of your resentments? Follow through with the process above and see if that helps to lessen your resentments. If you notice a lessening of your resentments, leave a comment telling us of your success to resolve them.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: forgiveness, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, resentment, resentments, what are resentments

Curls of Kindness

October 14, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday and Friday I had the distinct honor of being in a holiday craft show at the park where I live. I offered my book and some of my framed images of gates. Everything was well received… many said my work was lovely… and few bought. Still, I had some great conversations with people… a few were very spiritual in nature.

The interesting thing was, I had the opportunity to relay to many people the story of how the book was born. You see, I did not write the verses to go with the pictures. It happened the other way around. I was photographing these gates, and then was titling them so I could sell them to galleries.

Separate and independent of my photo-taking was my journaling – daily writings to try and deal with feelings associated with my sobriety, my recovery. I wrote much about my thoughts and feelings in an effort to work through my emotional difficulties.

One morning, I wrote in my journal a phrase, a verse, that described a gate I had just titled Webs of Fear. I was quite taken-aback, and was prompted to search my journals for other writings that matched or described my titled gate photos. I found around 25 or 30 writings that matched up with images!

Imagine, having written these things before I even photographed the gates! It was all pretty amazing to me and I think, as a result, that the book was divinely inspired, divinely guided. That was in late November of 2004 when I discovered the prose and it was at that point that I realized I had a book I had written and could continue to write. I started working on coordinating verses with photos.

By 2008, I had the book pretty much pulled together, wanted to publish it, and I was terrified for people to read it. I felt very exposed, very raw and vulnerable. I was afraid to expose my story. It took me two more years before I could get up the courage to actually put the book in the hands of a publisher. They, however, rejected it and so I decided to publish it myself.

Curls of Kindness

I felt its message was too important to wait until such time as a publisher accepted it, so I went through the process of publishing it. One of the images from my book is Curls of Kindness. I’d like to share it and its verse with you.

”If now is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves,

when will it be?”

This is just one of many verses that ponders the question of how we treat each other and ourselves. There are additional ones that invite us to act with more tolerance and respect, more compassion and gentleness. As a result of acting in such a manner, the book promises the experience of grace and hope, serenity and joy… and peace.

Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing is an accounting of my own journey into and through sobriety. It takes you along on the path from great angst, through self-awareness and into discovery of so many things which have allowed me to live with joy and peace in my life.

I invite you to check it out in more detail by clicking on the “About” button, and scrolling down to “The Book.” Order your copy today and I will send you a signed copy. Read it in its entirety as a pathway to peace or use it as a daily meditation book when each verse is read individually. May it bring you hope and peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace. sobriety, inner peace, keeping sober, kindness, living sober, peace, random acts of kindness, sober, Sober Living

Honesty, Openness, and Willingness – Keys for Sobriety

October 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Welds of Honesty

Honesty, Openness, and Willingness, the three things that are key for sobriety. Without these, sobriety is nearly impossible. With these, you have a chance for success.

It used to really irk me that people claimed I was not honest. After all, I did not steal from others, I report my taxes to the best of my ability and knowledge… I was an honest person. But what they were actually referring to was the way in which I presented myself to others. Was I showing to them who I really am, what I really think and feel? Or, was I taking on another’s opinions and beliefs, merely to “keep the peace?”

Hmmm. I was taking on my husband’s characteristics of impatience, self-righteousness, etc., because it kept the peace. I was not letting shine my abilities and beliefs of tolerance, respect, and love toward others. In the eyes of sobriety minded people, I was not being honest.

So, I took this new definition of honesty and began to assess my abilities in that area. Hmmm. I was not being myself, was not showing my true nature of kindness. It took me several years of healing work in sobriety before I was able to be honest with others about who I really and truly was and am. It was a beautiful awakening…

Openness of Heart

Being open, for me, refers to openness of mind as well as heart. One day, my heart just opened. It came after some time of being openminded. That open-mindedness came from a belief that everything that was being presented to me in the way of books to read, or opportunities, etc., was a gift from God. And I got that belief from reading the book Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch.

Armed with the belief that gifts were being presented to me, I was able to be open to get help from others, to accept medication and EMDR, for example, for my panic disorder, major depression, and PTSD. When I was openminded toward these things, and they turned out successfully, bringing me more and more lightness, that feeling invaded my heart. I could not help but open it, too, to the blessings and gifts I was experiencing.

Wow. What a whole different way this was to look at tinges and to live. A world of difference from the bitter and angry person I had been for some 35 years, blaming my parents for my emotional difficulties. I liked it, and I continue to like it. It took an open mind and an open heart to be able to look at things differently, to be able to be responsible for my own emotions, to be able to take action on my behalf.

But there is nothing that could or would have happened had I not been willing to see things differently. That’s why I believe willingness is the key to sobriety, to a changed life. I believe willingness opens the gate to your heart. It did mine, and that was a miracle, given how angry a person I was.

Once I opened the door and allowed willingness to express my heart more authentically to play out, things began to flow more smoothly for me. I became willing, for example, to consider forgiveness for my parents. This, of course, came after a lot of healing and pre-forgiveness work, a lot of therapy. When I was in it, I could not see a way out, it was excruciating at times.

On the other side of it, I can see why events and learning situations happened as they did. I see why they, for example, were so painful, because I was clearing out years of pain and heartache. Years of shame and feelings of worthlessness. It was difficult to address my grief over the loss of trust I had in my parents, how badly that wounded me. With willingness, I became able to view things differently. It has made the entire difference in my life of sobriety.

How about you? How do you practice honesty, openness, and willingness in your life, in your sobriety? How does it manifest for you? Leave a comment and let me know.

Key of Willingness

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: honesty, honesty openness willingness, living sober, Openness, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Willingness

The Story Behind My Sobriety – Conclusion

October 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

It took me five or six years to get through the acute grief I felt over the unrequited love. During that time, there were days when I just screamed that sobriety was not better than drinking and I wanted to get drunk badly! I would holler at the top of my lungs that life was much better when I was drinking, but I was neglecting to factor in my emotional state during my drinking days.

With six additional years of sobriety, I discovered that life was definitely much better as a sober person. Very occasionally, I have an urge to drink. For example, I just visited Tampa for my nephew’s wedding and, while waiting in the airport for my flight, I walked by a bar and had the thought that I should go in and get a beer. No one would ever know. But I knew where it would end for me… I would continue drinking on the plane, get obnoxious, and then not be able to drive home from the parking lot where I had parked my car. I elected not to drink.

The thought to drink came from nowhere and it really surprised me, as I typically do not want a drink. I am quite clear that I love my life as a sober person. Even when I am out among people who are drinking, I don’t want to drink. In fact, the smell of alcohol turns my stomach, and the sight of people getting drunk leads me to think what fools they are making of themselves, how stupid they sound when drinking. And I become more grateful for my sobriety, more convinced that I want to maintain a sober life.

For those of you who are considering stopping your drinking, I wish for you a world of blessings. It is emotionally difficult to look at the things that led you to drink, and on the other side, when you have done your acknowledging and grieving, lies a place so magical, so calm and peaceful, it is hard to describe. But it is so well worth the journey into sobriety. You will love it, too!

If you want to cut down or stop completely, I invite you to seek help to do so. Go to a support group such as AA. Be prepared to do some soul-searching. Drinking is but a symptom of that which lies deep within, the pain that is intolerable which led you to drink in the first place, and you will need to confront the pain and painful experiences. I’m telling you though, life is so much better sober. Sobriety allows you to do the healing work you need to do. It leads you to peace. I wish you well on your journey.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Becoming Sober – The Story Behind My Sobriety

October 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

It was 1974, spring quarter of college at Kent State University where I was studying to be a nurse. I had just received a letter form the man I was supposed to marry, saying he’d been married to another woman. I was devastated! Nothing could console me… In their desperation to help, my roommates took me out to “drown my sorrows.” That was the beginning of an era of drinking.

Although I started drinking because of the letter from George, it did not take me long to figure out that alcohol deadened the emotional pain I had as a result of being an abused child. You see, I reached adulthood filled with terror, shame, worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair. When I drank, those feelings went away.

I spent 26 years drinking and drugging, trying to drown out the memories of childhood and all my other feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and fear. Along the way, I got married to another alcoholic. We had some great times partying. On the outside, the marriage looked great… we had a nice home in the foothills outside of Denver, had nice cars, a sailboat, and we had well-respected jobs. On the inside, it was verbally abusive… very demeaning, critical, demoralizing, and just plain nasty at times.

Toward the end of the marriage, a 20 year union, we moved from Denver to a sailboat in Sausalito, California. After three years of living aboard, things had reached an intolerable level for me. Both the drinking and the fights were escalating. My soul was dying. I had had it, and left the marriage.

I met another man whom I fell deeply in love with, and I thought he was my soulmate, the love of my life. I believed with every fiber of my being that he reciprocated my feelings. Then, in November of 2000, he told me in a humiliating way that he did not care for me. Again, I was devastated over the rejection by a man.

The next several months were spent drinking and crying. I couldn’t care for myself, could not feed myself. All I could do was drink and cry. Finally, I realized at a deep level that if I did not stop drinking, I would die. One thing led to another and I found myself planning a road trip to “find myself.” The first stop was San Diego, where my old bartender had moved and was getting sober herself. I went to stay with her for a couple of weeks to “get a handle on my drinking,” and I stayed one-and-a-half years, learning to live as a sober person and to begin the struggle out of deep grief.

It was March 6, 2001, when I rolled into San Diego and rented a room in a local Motel 6. There I proceeded to write a letter to the man who’d rejected me… and I got drunk for the last time. Despite many emotional roller coaster rides, I have been sober since then.

Come back tomorrow for the conclusion of what it has been like for me to remain sober.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

We All Look For Acknowledgment From Others

October 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I’m back after a whirlwind weekend. I had planned to blog yesterday, and I found I needed the day to debrief. Thank you for your understanding and your patience…

It was a lovely weekend, and still, I am left with incomplete, sad feelings about things which occurred… and in this case, didn’t occur. I found it difficult that I received no acknowledgment for what I am doing in my life. In conversations with people, we talked about them, and then, there was little interest in what is happening with me.

Hmmm, I have this thought and wonder if I am being self-centered by wanting acknowledgment. Then I think of the fact that we all wish to be acknowledged, and there is nothing wrong in that. It is a basic human desire, and perhaps even a need. My belief is that most of the time when we are upset or down or joyous, we just want to be heard about those things… we want acknowledgment.

As I consider that I am a little upset that I didn’t receive acknowledgment, I recognize that I need to be responsible for my own feelings instead of blaming them on the people who didn’t show me acknowledgment. So I accept responsibility for myself by doing a self-appraisal.

In that, I recognize that I might be seeking approval because I am feeling “less than” or/and that I am looking for approval. Ahhh. Perhaps the crux of the issue. I may have been seeking acknowledgment because I needed to build myself up,

Wow. Looked at in this light, my heart softens toward the others who did not show an interest in me and my activities. You see, I was beginning to resent them for their lack of caring about me, about what I’m doing. With a softened heart, the fact that I did not receive acknowledgment has less sting, less resentment attached to it.

This is how it works for me when I take responsibility for my feelings. I start by being pissed, hurt, slighted, and I end up with an open and softened heart. All by showing myself acknowledgment by examining my feelings, my motives. I am reminded that the weekend was not about me… and I can get out of myself.

Yes, it would have been nice to have conversations with acknowledgment about what I’m doing in my world, and there was not really the time or opportunity, as we were into what was happening right in front of us. We were involved in the task at hand… marrying Brian and Amy. I am reminded that I need work on my confidence level in regard to the path I have chosen to follow, to pursue.

As I look back upon the weekend, when I am honest, I must humbly admit that there were snippets of time in which people were showing me acknowledgment… I just wanted more. I needed more reassurance that I am okay the way I am. But that is an inside job,a nd I see I have more work to do in this area.

It is always a matter of learning to pay ourselves acknowledgment… of giving ourselves what we seek from others. In that act, we become complete, whole, and more at peace.

What do you need and want acknowledgment for in your life? Your accomplishments and successes, your plans and aspirations? Are you seeking acknowledgment, or are you taking responsibility for your own feelings? Leave a comment and let me know how you are being responsible for your own feelings rather than blaming them on others.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: acknowledge others, acknowledgment, acknowledgment from others, how to find peace, inner peace, peace

Combatting Feelings of Worthlessness, No Value

October 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I wanted to pick up where we left off yesterday… after the point of worthlessness, at that place where you are feeling in your deepest recesses that you have done or said some good things – even just one. I hope you did the exercise from yesterday and come armed with the results, the feeling of personal goodness in at least one area.

Take that feeling into the next part of the process, which is seeing the wounds that have led to the feelings that you have no value, the wounds that reinforce your worthlessness. What you want to do here is to start writing about the earliest time you can remember when you were criticized or denigrated. Remember who said or did what… write it down and take a deep breath…

Allow yourself to feel those feelings, just noticing the emotional charge they have for you. Then, decide to look at things from a different viewpoint, with new eyes. Become willing to choose to believe that what was told to you was a lie, told by a wounded person themself. Feel that all the way to your toes… that what they said was wrong. Replace the language that was used against you then, and now replace it with a positive statement about yourself.

It bears repeating here that what was told to you was a lie, incorrect information, based on someone else’s woundedness. It may take some time to incorporate that into your heart, for when you take that belief into your heart, you have years of blaming that needs to fall away, years of negative self-talk to combat and reverse.

This is no easy task, but then, what you are currently dealing with is not easy either. And, no doubt you feel miserable about yourself… that’s why you’re reading this. If you stick with it and commit to sticking with it through all that comes up, you will reap the most awesome beliefs and feelings about yourself on the other side.

You will feel more alive than you have felt for some time. That aliveness is self-perpetuating and cumulative, and it only firms up your new belief that you are good at that one thing, just that one thing… It becomes easier to believe in your light, your goodness, as you go through this process.

What do you wish to be in your heart? Whom do you wish to be? Look at that dream, that desire, and envision yourself living it. What is your “wow?” What does that look like for you? How does it feel? Write your answers…

You are now headed on the course of discovering what makes you shine. It is a discovery of your “wow,” of your light in the world. Follow this process again and again to clear out old messages and beliefs. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t beat yourself up. Allow those gremlins to stay away. When you meet resistance, write about it, even if it is only to simply notice its presence. After you have had a chance to get to your deeper self, let me know what that was like for you by leaving a comment. I wish for you many blessings on your journey.

Oh, and one last thing. I forgot to mention numbing-out during this process. If you stay straight, you go through the process more quickly than if you numb out. You get to the other side more quickly when you’re sober. I invite you to practice sobriety during this process of healing.

And finally, I will be going to my nephew’s wedding in Tampa over the weekend, leaving at 3:30 am tomorrow, so I most likely will not blog tomorrow. I definitely won’t be blogging Saturday or Sunday either, cause I’m not taking my computer. Wow! A true vacation!! Enjoy the weekend and see you on Monday.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

Combatting Worthlessness and Feelings You Have No Value

October 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

I was taken aback by a search term… “I have no value.” My heart went out to the person who wrote this, in a state of worthlessness. Oh, it would be easy for me to say, yes, you do have value! But unless you believe that in your heart and soul about yourself, it is to no avail. I wish for you who believe you have no value, a turn-around in beliefs about yourself…

Two other search terms had to do with hopelessness. So, I want to write about feeling no value, and the worthlessness and hopelessness that those feelings generate.

I spent the majority of my life feeling I had no value, in a state of worthlessness. As a result, I felt a great deal of hopelessness A large part had to do with the fact that I was told by a parent every day that I was worthless… well, maybe every-other-day. The effect it had on me has been lasting, and I continue to struggle with it, even today… somedays.

My solution to stop the horror I felt over my worthlessness, having no value, was to drink… heavily… I started at age 22 and continued until age 48, at which time I got sober. Sobriety has been with me for close to twelve years and it has changed the way I see myself. Today, I see my value, my worth. It was a struggle to get to that point, so I understand you may be going through the same thing now. Take a deep breath…

When you are feeling worthless and of no value in the world, each day is an extreme effort… an effort to get up, to get dressed and to eat. Each activity becomes a dreaded chore. It is a challenge to live each day. There is no point in living, existing in this space of worthlessness and no value. If you are like I was, you are afraid to commit suicide and so you are praying to God to let you die. Deep breath….

What changed that around for me in about the fifth or sixth year of sobriety was finding my purpose in life. I had the opportunity to help someone out who was suffering emotionally. I did that by sharing my own story and how I had healed partially from my difficulties. The information I gave to the man was useful for him and he was grateful, so much so he almost started crying.

From that experience, I felt I had something to offer someone and I felt grand about being able to help him out… I felt a purpose by telling my story of physical, verbal, and emotional trauma early in life, and how I healed from the effects of it, how my sobriety helped that endeavor. You see, people are interested in you and your story when it involves something they can use in their life to make themselves feel better.

If you think about another… their difficulties, their struggles… and truly reach out to help, maybe by sharing what you have been through and how you came out the other side, you feel better about yourself and you begin to realize your value, for you and your story are of use to others and that gives you value. Just by being a human on the earth, you have value. Your lessons learned are of value to others. Take a deep breath…

To get out of myself, I had to first have a sense of who I was, what I felt about myself, so I identified my feelings of despair, anger, hurt and decided I wanted something different in my life or I WOULD die! So I looked at all the good things I had done with and in my life, and there were many that I’d kind of brushed aside, so I stopped and really considered them.

Like, I was a nurse and provided genuine, caring services to my patients for 22 years. No, I did not do direct patient care much of that time, and yes, I had an impact on the quality of people’s lives. I identified and felt my caring and compassionate nature and I gave myself credit for those things. I began to feel I may have some redeemable character traits.

The bottom line is, do some honest soul-searching, a deep look at yourself, and identify one thing about yourself that you do well. Revel in it and amaze yourself over that ability. Just be with it for a day or so… Take a deep breath…

Then go on to the next thing that amazes you about yourself. If you have to use what another has said about you to find something positive, then do that. The point is to see yourself in a positive light and to really look closely and gently at that. With great compassion for the little child that feels so badly about herself, himself. Smile for that child… give them some hope…

Continue the above exercise until you are seeing evidence of your value, your worth in the world. Let that settle into your heart. Just sit with that for days and days… Then move onto the next part, which I will talk about tomorrow….

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: despair, hopeless, hopelessness, living sober, no value, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, worthless, worthlessness

How to Conquer Fear by Getting Sober

October 2, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

There were three searches about fear yesterday… conquering it, conclusions about it, and overcoming it. I’m going to take fear one more step and apply it to becoming sober. It has been my experience that I was only able to conquer fear when sober, so that’s what I’ll speak to.

It wasn’t until many years sober that I realized how much fear had ruled my life as a child and then during my drinking days. Basically, everything I did was dictated by fear of some sort… fear of not being good enough, that you wouldn’t like me, that I would make you mad or bother you… and the list goes on.

Let’s turn our attention now to the days I have been sober, my days in sobriety. It has taken me many years as a sober person to drop my fears that I am not good enough, although I sometimes return there, even today. What I have found in sobriety is that I experience the fear, but then I use faith to gain the courage to move forward, despite the fear. I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I do that.

I’m talking about little things that don’t scare many people… like calling or introducing myself to people to let them know who I am, what I do, and to inform them of my services. I get all fearful, and yet, I need to just do it, like Nike says. So I do, and everything turns out well, just as it was intended to be.

The fear which keeps you from getting sober warrants discussion. What about getting sober scares you? Define that for yourself, in all the possible ways. For me, it was not knowing how I would exist without alcohol in my life… how would I spend my time? It was fear of the unknown. Loss of a lifestyle, even though my current life was detrimental to my spirit and well-being, it was still familiar and, in a sick way, comforting.

At a deeper level, I resisted getting sober because a piece of my heart knew I had to drag out all the heartaches of my life and look at them. I didn’t want to do that and I avoided it. Heck! I drank to escape those feelings!! It took me many years of sobriety to realize that in the end, “those feelings” I was escaping were joy and peace.

So, how can you move forward past your fears? Consider the action or result that your fear is preventing. Define a task that will accomplish your desired action/result. Break the task down into smaller parts or sub-tasks, and do one piece at a time, one phone call at a time, one day at a time. The key here is perseverance. When you accomplish a sub-task, praise yourself with positive self-talk.

Getting and staying sober has allowed me to persevere in countless situations, numerous times. It has allowed me to move forward with courage rather than being stuck in my fear. Heck, I just sent a letter, two actually, to Michelle Obama, inviting her to open a dialogue about her activities with the Vietnam vets. Talk about getting past fears! I needed information and our differences in roles in the world made no matter, as I was reaching out person-to-person, one human to the next.

The thing about getting sober is that, if you stick with it and persevere, you will reap so many emotional benefits in addition to conquering your fears. To conquer your fears, first list them out. Then write out what you think will happen in each given situation. Then write about what you want to be different and how that looks for you. See if the fears have lessened…

The thing about conquering fear is that, if you look it in the eye, acknowledge it, and then befriend it, just notice it, it lessens. How can you move forward in your life, despite fear? What is the one major thing you have been putting off, procrastinating, due to fear? I invite you to leave a comment.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: courage, courage form fear, fear, freedom from fear, getting sober, living sober, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Why Is It Important to Show Compassion to One Another?

October 1, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

why is it important to show compassion to one another? This was the search term that got my attention this morning. The reason I wanted to write about it is that I feel so strongly that we need to show more compassion to others in our lives. It benefits us and it benefits them.

Showing compassion is having a softness in your heart for the plight of another, a softness for their woundedness. When we see each other as wounded people, we can begin to understand other’s actions and behaviors. That does not mean we condone what they have done necessarily, it just means we can understand someone a little bit more. As with anything that is wounded, we offer compassion.

This has two benefits. First, it frees us up of our angers and resentments, and allows us to travel in our heart to forgiveness. This is an emotionally freeing experience, at least it was for me after 35 years of huge rage and bitterness. Not only is forgiveness emotionally liberating; it has health benefits, as well. People who have forgiven have less chance of developing cancer and their risk for heart disease is lessened.

While forgiveness through compassion benefits you, compassion shown to another allows them to feel noticed and acknowledged for their pain. Often, all we each want is acknowledgment for our strife, the difficulty we are experiencing. We just want to know we are heard, that we are not alone. So to extend words such as, “I’m sorry you are experiencing difficulties,” reassures another that they matter, that they have been heard.

Compassion is important to show to others because it evokes peace among us as people in the world. I think it’s that simple. What are your thoughts? I invite you to leave a comment.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, forgiveness, how to finned peace, how to forgive, how to show compassion to others, inner peace, peace

More Positive Effects From Sobriety

September 30, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

To echo yesterday’s topic, is sobriety worth it, let me tell you another story.

I spent a large number of years in great anger and bitterness over my upbringing. I was filled with self-pity over the shame and degradation that was done to my soul, my spirit. I lived as a victim, always justified in my victimhood.

And I was a victim. But what I learned in sobriety was to heal from the shame, the feelings of worthlessness, the anger and rage. In sobriety, I became willing to seek professional help for my mental difficulties, which led to the realization that I’d had PTSD all those years. That was one reason for the explosive anger. With EMDR treatment, it has lessened a great deal.

The other reason for my anger was just generalized rage against the folks. After several years of healing work, I stumbled across forgiveness. It came to me over time, little bit by little bit. The end result has been full forgiveness of my past, and even being able to see the purpose for my past. I discovered how to put it to good use.

I discovered that my life’s purpose is to help others learn to forgive, so that they, too, can experience the wonderful freedom that exists on the other side of forgiveness. Without the abuse in childhood, I would never have had to struggle with my anger and rage, and I would never have stumbled across forgiveness, which is something I can help others to find.

All of this is possible because of sobriety. I didn’t have a fighting chance to heal while I was still drinking because I was stuck in the victim role. I couldn’t see past my anger, my pity. Only in sobriety have I been able to do that.

You, too, can find healing and freedom from anger and rage, heartache and pity. It starts with your sobriety. Are you willing to take that journey? Let me know in the comments section…

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, getting sober, how to find forgiveness, living sober, Sober Living, sobriety, the art of forgiveness, the path of forgiveness

Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It…

September 29, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

“not sure sobriety is worth it” was the search term from yesterday that caught my eye. So, I wanted to share with you a story about that, about B… a delightful 91 year old gentleman for whom I have the honor of being his caregiver. Wait till you hear about this amazing elderly man. He has so much spirit.

B… is this slight guy, stooped, about 5’5″ because of that stoop. Thin, with huge veins in his arms. I notice this because I used to be a nurse and did lab draws… drawing blood. I notice everyone’s veins in their arms… Anyway, B… lives alone in a 3 bedroom house with lots of plants throughout. Ah, a man of my own heart. I also have lots of plants in my home.

He spends a fair amount of his time looking for his cane, so he can take the food out to the deer family he feeds… a doe and her two growing fawns. They like lettuce and red cabbage, so we always make an extra trip to the grocery store that carries red cabbage. I drive his car and he doesn’t complain about my driving! What a bonus. In fact, he agrees with me that I’m a fairly good driver. No, a good driver.

Yesterday was my day to prepare meals for him, so I was cooking away while he was trying to fix the screen door on the door between the gagare and the kitchen. The little arm at the top of the door that holds it open was slipping and wouldn’t keep the screen door ajar. He tried for about an hour to get that to work, but to no avail.

The thing is, I was a witness to this elderly man, trying again and again and again. I was touched by his tenacity, his patience. It fits with his soft-spoken nature.

You may be wondering what B… and his kitchen door have to do with sobriety? Here it is. Unless I was sober, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate B… and his door, or his deer. If I was still drinking, although not on the job, I would still be hung over for my shift from 1-4 pm. I would have been irritated to have to go to the extra grocery store… such a pain. Out of my way…

And I wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate this gentleman’s love of nature and the deer. I would have found it irritating to have to keep track of him while he was out there, on my watch. And I would have intervened yesterday with the door… wanting to get it fixed so he would stop fiddling on a lost cause.

Because I’m sober, I see everything differently, however. Instead of being irritated, I feel honored to be able to drive this man to the extra grocery store to support his efforts with the deer. I am able to be grateful for my job, for the honor, the delight, of witnessing this man and the actions of his heart.

I am able, as a sober person, to allow this 91-year-old to be as independent as possible, knowing he may fall, which he has outside while feeding them, cutting his elbow badly… twice. But I can offer him respect and trust in him as a person. Letting him maintain as much independence as possible.

Same for the door. I was able to respect his perseverance instead of getting irritated with it, taking delight in watching him continue to try and solve the problem. I didn’t have to step in and do it for him cause I was feeling insecure in myself. My self-confidence allowed me to have respect for him and his need to be active.

Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It… well, for me, if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be experiencing these fabulous things with this elderly gentleman. I would have gathered myself into a huff, a snit, feeling put-upon. From my perspective, sobriety is absolutely worth it, if you wish to live a life of peace and happiness, awareness and caring for another… free from anger and bitterness. Sobriety is the first step to getting there…

Filed Under: Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, Not Sure Sobriety Is Worth It, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Self-Appraisal Leads to Inner Peace

September 28, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Well, it’s been a few days of a heavy topic, and today I’m going to lighten things up. I’m going to talk about my experience at a networking event last night, and my discovery of how a self-appraisal saved the evening.

I had a vendor’s table at a women’s networking event and it was a shopping extravaganza… except at my table. Oh, I had several lookers, but no one bought my book, nor any of the numerous photographs of wrought-iron gates I had displayed. It was very disappointing, very disappointing indeed.

I had come armed with a full box of books (weighing 56# I might add…), a box of framed photographs, and a box of flyers and other info to lay out. Luckily, the tables were 8 feet, so I had room to create a pleasing arrangement of all my wares. The people that stopped by were admiring of my work, but no one bought. I was occupied with my own table, and didn’t see if they were buying from other vendors.

I could come up with all sorts of excuses why I didn’t sell, but I think I know why they didn’t buy. I think it was because I had too much on my table, too many choices. Like the monkey that has two bananas to choose from and can’t make up it’s mind so chooses none, so I believe it was with my table.

Anyway, throughout the course of the evening, I was chosen to come up in front of the audience and state what I do, so I said I work with Vietnam vets to help them find forgiveness of the American people for how they were treated when they returned home. Afterward, a man approached my booth. I could see from his name tag that it was Stan.

Stan outstretched his hand, and said, “I’m a Vietnam vet and I want to thank you for the work that you are doing.” Boy, that made the evening worthwhile, to have let another vet know there is hope on the other side of the resentment, the bitterness. I was humbled. He even took my card to pass along the word of my work.

Earlier in the day, I had stumbled across a site that was a group of Vietnam Vets in San Quentin. I wanted to become a part of the volunteers who visit these men at that prison. I had, after all, visited a friend in Quentin for several years, so was familiar with going into the prison. I discovered, to my disappointment, that because I had been a visitor, I could not be a volunteer. Boy, and I was so excited to be able to go in and talk with the group… So my disappointment of the evening was a continuation, in part, of earlier news.

Let’s look for a minute at the lack of sales last night. I could use excuse after excuse, but as I said earlier, I believe it was because I had too much on the table, too many choices. In other words, I found a reason why what I was doing was not working, rather than blame it on everything else… like, they gave me a bad spot, etc.

The ability to look at myself, to look at my actions and how they contributed to a negative outcome has just occurred for me in sobriety. Being able to do that has been very freeing. No longer do I go seething about, looking for something outside of myself to blame. I can hold myself accountable. I can do a self-appraisal, a performance eval, and see how I contributed to a situation. Again, how very freeing this has been.

It took some practice over time, but my ability to go to seeing my part in something by doing a self-appraisal has been finely honed and I go right there, well, almost right there. The cool thing is, I have 2 more big events coming up during which I can test my theory by having just a few things on my table. I’ll let you know how that works.

Today, when you are tempted to blame everyone and everything around you for your difficulties, take a look at what role you played in the affair. How did you contribute to the negative outcome? Take a look, be humble and willing to accept responsibility for your part. It all starts with a self-appraisal, and a smile at yourself.

Filed Under: Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance evaluation, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Inspiration For Hopeless Despair Over PTSD

September 27, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

It has been a heavy past couple-of-days posting… difficult topic, and you may need some inspiration for hopeless despair about your PTSD that you may be feeling after the discussion. I can do that. I can provide inspiration about PTSD from my own experience with it.

As I have said, I was diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 54 or 55, so lived from the age of childhood with it. It went undiagnosed all those years, with me confused about my anger at everything, my rage. It was like a switch that went on when I was triggered by others’ words or behaviors toward me.

At the time that I was diagnosed, I happened to meet an EMDR therapist. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Retraining) We had a discussion, a deep one about my abusive childhood, about the difficulties I was experiencing with rage, hyper-vigilance, flashbacks, etc. She relayed to me I had PTSD, which a physician then confirmed, and that EMDR was a treatment being widely used with documented success.

It was roughly $100 per session of about an hour, and having no medical coverage, that was a lot of money for me. Still, when I heard it was being used with Vietnam vets with success, I scraped up the money. I think I had 3 sessions.

They were tremendously helpful and through the success of the treatments, I was able to see my parents with compassion and to grow to forgive them. What it did with my PTSD is this: it tamed the symptoms. I had less flashbacks and when they did occur, they did not cause extreme memories. The memory was softened, not intense. Instead, I saw two people with compassion and sadness.

My hyper-vigilance has also decreased and, in fact, I must say it has almost disappeared. I still, however, do not like to sit with my back to anyone at a meeting or what-have-you. But I do it when I go to seminars and sit in the front row so I can hear and pay better attention. I don’t feel nervous or panicked like I used to with my PTSD in full force.

The point I am trying to make is there is hope for you if you are experiencing hopeless despair about your own PTSD.

Another up-and-coming treatment for PTSD is called Emotional Freedom Tapping, or EFT. EFT uses accupressure and tapping along the body’s meridians, lessening the charge of the memories that trigger your PTSD. I am not clear on why it works, but apparently they are having good results with it.

I had to accept anti-depressants to treat my major depression which accompanied the PTSD. It took me a long time to be willing to do this because I thought that to take them would be a sign of weakness, and I was a JONES, damn it! And that meant I, we, could rise to any occasion without help of any sort. I felt it was “cheating” to take meds, that I was masking my emotions.

How wrong I was. What has happened is, the antidepressants correct my screwed up brain chemistry so I have a fighting chance to live a peaceful and calm life, unruled by my depression. It puts me on the same level as others in my ability to cope with life. I do not feel any mind alteration. I am able to function without the hopeless despair I felt all the time before that, even in, especially in, sobriety.

Speaking of sobriety, none of this recovery and decrease of my PTSD would have been possible if I had not been sober. Consider, if you are a drinker and drugger, that those substances affect PTSD a great deal, and worsen the effects of it. If you are drinking to numb the pain, the hurt, the symptoms of PTSD, then think again about your actions. What exists on the other side of some rocky times is so well-worth getting sober. On the other side is peace like you’ve never experienced. I kid you not.

Today, look at your options for treatment and management of your PTSD and then take action to follow up on receiving it. Take responsibility and reach out. I believe the VA Hospitals have programs for people with PTSD. The relief you will feel is immense, at least it was, has been, for me. There are groups out there to help you with any substance abuse. I recommend using one of them. I wish you well in your healing.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: EFT, EMDR, getting sober, hopeless despair, inspiration hopeless despair, living sober, PTSD, Sober Living, sobriety

PTSD and the Vietnam Vet – Part 2 of 2

September 26, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

To continue from yesterday… we are talking about PTSD as it relates to the Vietnam vet. It probably relates to you if you are a veteran from another war, also. This information is based on an article I found on the web about PTSD, written by a Vietnam veteran. This is a terribly long post, and I am hopeful it will be useful to any of you veterans reading it.

First, though, I need to say what I was reminded by a Vietnam vet that I forgot to say to you yesterday, and that is the words, Welcome home. I am glad you made it and am hopeful you have and are resolving your difficulties associated with the war. Yes, I know these words are long overdue, and it is my first opportunity to say them to you publicly. I hope you will accept them.

The author of the article I found goes on to describe in detail the symptoms. Anger is the most prevalent. It is free-floating, with no real target. Everyone and everything become the cause of the anger. People with PTSD go right to rage, especially soldiers who are taught to react and not think about things. On the other hand, “normal” people experience a slow progression to rage… from anger, to angrier and angrier, to rage. Not so with the veteran.

People around you who are displaying rage walk on eggshells, never knowing when you will “go off” on them. The author relays that a way to deal with this is to have conversations with all who are involved, talking about your anger and the effect it is having on others and yourself. He further claims that the way to deal with anger issues is to learn how to manage it, without trying to figure out the cause. Anger management classes are useful for this.

The author made a distinction between flashbacks and hallucinations, stating that flashbacks are reliving the events in your mind, while hallucinations are seeing things that are not there. These are common with those of you dealing with PTSD.

Fear is a common symptom, and it is often paranoia. Every action by those of you experiencing PTSD has fear attached to it. Dread is also common, especially dread about death. The author stated that there are so many Vietnam vets in prisons because the dread of death within 6 months was so strong, that they engaged in reckless behavior for the adrenaline rush, that it led to crime.

Hyper-vigilance is a big one. You Vietnam vets feel unsafe in public, the author states, because the American people became the enemy upon your return home. He makes the point that when you spent so much time securing an area and watching for “Charlie,” that you never stop watching for Charlie. You, as well as I, have a tendency to sit with your back to a wall, near exits.

When your anxiety level is increased, all PTSD symptoms increase. If you keep an eye on your anxiety levels, you will know when to call a friend, a therapist, or get to a hospital for help.

What is learned in combat is never lost, the author states, and, therefore, you vets have difficulty trusting people. You fear intimacy and yet need intimacy, as all of us do, and your inability to trust leads to superficial relationships, one night stands, multiple partners, and extramarital affairs.

Drug and alcohol abuse is very prevalent among you with PTSD, and unfortunately, PTSD symptoms are enhanced when using. You from Vietnam were the first who actually returned home already addicted, and that was a new thing for the VA to deal with. Alcohol, drugs, and the need for adrenaline rushes are a deadly combo and jails, prisons, and graveyards are filled with Vietnam vets so afflicted.

Sleep disorders are a common problem, as are night terrors, nightmares, and night sweats. The author relayed that most of you return to combat in your sleep… He didn’t really discuss a relief for those things other than learning how to manage PTSD in general.

Guilt is a biggie, as part of war is doing things you are not proud of. You are rewarded for your kills during war, and to come home and function as if nothing happened is a huge disconnect. He suggested talking about this to others. Survivor’s guilt is also a problem, as you feel that when something bad happens to you, like a failed marriage, loss of a job, or an accident, you deserve it.

“Why am I the one who lived?” is a common belief. To alleviate this, I suggest you consider that you were intended to live to be of service to others in some way or another. Perhaps, as you heal from your wounds, you are intended to share how you did that, so that others can benefit and heal themselves.

Memory loss that occurs to you, and to me big time, is related to damage and a loss of function in the hippocampus… the part of the brain that controls memory and learning. When I discovered this, I felt a huge relief about my memory loss.

Intrusive thoughts invade your life, the author says, and the way to deal with this is to stay busy with other tasks and projects. Helping others is especially useful to “get you out of yourself.”

It is not at all surprising that, given all the above things you are dealing with, that you experience depression. This can be controlled with nutrition, drug therapy, talk therapy, and being in a safe, loving environment.

To summarize, the triggers for your PTSD symptoms can be learned, as can the things to do that help you with those symptoms. The biggest thing the author stressed is to get it out… talk about it and feel the feelings. This is the first step to healing. Nutrition plays a big role, also. The bottom line is, controlling your symptoms with drinking and drugging is slow suicide and is avoidable.

Above all, the tone of this article was one of taking action and getting help. I hope you do that, and I wish you well on your continued journey.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Nam Vets, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

PTSD and the Vietnam Vet – Part 1 of 2

September 25, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Wow and OMG. I have just spent the last couple of hours on a veterans’ website and discovered a wealth of information in an article by a Vietnam vet on PTSD. Even as a PTSD-diagnosed person myself, it opened my eyes to the plight of the veteran, and specifically to that of the Vietnam vet. It renewed my desire to reach out to you Nam vets. It seems to be my calling…

You guys who fought gave not just of your life to serve; you have been forced to give of your whole remaining lives dealing and coping with the aftermath of the war. I am in awe and deep appreciation. To say thank you for your service seems so trite. Perhaps instead, I could be saying, thank you for dedicating your entire life to this country.

I have nine pages of notes from the article written by an author whose name does not appear on the article. I couldn’t find it anyway. How do I narrow it down to a blog post and leave the meat of the article intact? I can’t, which is why I have provided the link to the article. Nonetheless, I will summarize what I read.

PTSD is a physical illness, with chemical changes to the brain. It is not the sign of a weak person. It stands for post traumatic stress disorder and can be acquired from battle, or chronic abuse. Mine was diagnosed at the age of 54 or 55, having dealt with its symptoms since the age of 20, so that’s 34-35 years. It was a result of my repeated physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. But I’m here to talk about PTSD and the Vietnam vet.

The point is, you can go for years before it jumps up and slaps you in the face. Some of the signs of PTSD include difficulty getting along with others, abusive behavior toward authority figures, poor sleep patterns and inability to rest, and excessive hyper-reactivity… or an increased startle reaction, anger, flashbacks, severe fear and dread, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, and problems with intimate relationships.

People living with PTSD initially feel like they’re living in a fog, have decreased concentration, and things don’t make sense. If caught when it’s acute, treatment and cure are possible. If it’s chronic, not recognized until years after a traumatic event(s), then it is not curable, only treatable. In the latter case, PTSD sufferers will need to learn how to manage their symptoms and through that, recognize when to reach out for help from a friend, therapist, or hospital.

People with PTSD often self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, and engage in activities that produce adrenaline rushes… doing dangerous and illegal things. Many Vietnam vets with PTSD, the author claims, are in jails and prisons because of this combination. Vietnam produced vets that came home addicted already, so if you were one of them, you either sought help or you’re still drinking and drugging. I know I medicated with drugs to combat the high degree of flashbacks I had, as well as my anxiety, fear, and depression. The problem with that was that all of those things were intensified during my drinking and drugging days. I simply refused to admit it at the time.

This post is getting too long and I have more to say, so I will stop here for the day. I invite you to join me tomorrow for the conclusion of the blog.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: Nam Vets, PTSD, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

Why It’s Important to Show Compassion

September 24, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Two people searched for issues related to compassion, so I thought I’d address it today. It has been my experience to find relief from angst once I started showing compassion for myself and others.

Compassion is the pre-cursor to forgiveness… Once you can experience and offer compassion, you can move on rather effortlessly to forgiveness. Webster defines compassion as the sorrow felt for the sufferings and troubles of another, usually accompanied with the desire to help. It is beneficial when shown for yourself, as well as for others.

When I experience compassion, my heart softens toward another. I am able to consider their plight, the difficulties they have had to experience in life. When I come at it with that attitude, I feel sorrow for them, knowing that they, too, suffered. I say “too” because I am usually steeped in my own sorrows.

Yet, when I can get out of myself and consider another’s difficulties, it is with a softened heart and mind that I do so. As I said, compassion leads to forgiveness. I feel especially compassionate when someone has dealt with the same things I have dealt with that caused emotional pain. For example, when I realized that my father had been told as a child that he was worthless, it helped to understand why he was telling me I was worthless, which led to me feeling worthless about myself. My heart was able to soften when I realized he was reenacting his own wounds, that his words were said in pain.

What about compassion for yourself? How does it apply to you? Well, if you look at the situations which have caused you emotional strife, then you can feel sympathy for yourself. Be careful, however, not to slip into self-pity. There is a fine line between self-pity and sympathy for yourself.

Sympathy, compassion, is expansive, while self-pity is contracting. Feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere except into the victim mentality. You do not have to be a victim in life; you can be sympathetic toward your woes, which leads to compassionate beliefs toward yourself.

Some wonder if it is not being selfish to feel compassion for themselves and I say it is not. It is self-ful, a way to fill yourself up with positivity, a way to celebrate yourself and your needs. Anything which helps you grow and heal is not selfish, it is preferable behavior to feeling sorry for yourself and being bitter.

Today, look with a softened heart at all your difficulties, to the difficulties of the people around you who are suffering from their own wounds. Feel their woes, or yours, with your heart. Offer others and yourself compassion. It is a way to “be” in the world that will soften your feelings and outlook.

Since compassion is the pre-cursor to forgiveness, I invite you to learn how to further sympathy, turning it into forgiveness. I invite you to sign up for my free forgiveness article, there to the right of the blog. I believe it will be of use to you.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: compassion, compassionate, sympathy

How to Live In Serenity

September 23, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Balance of Serenity

Good morning. How to live in serenity was one of the search terms from yesterday and I thought it would be a great topic to blog about, given that that we just finished posts about getting sober.

The picture to the right suggests that when we are in serenity, life is balanced. Webster defines serenity as the state of being serene and serene is defined as not disturbed or troubled, the state of being calm, peaceful, tranquil.

Living a life of sobriety can lead you to serenity. In fact, being sober leads directly to the ability to have serenity. Once you work through all the muck that you drank over, or that you fret about if you don’t drink a lot, then what is left is an abiding calmness, tranquility… serenity.

I think the forgiveness of my parents led in large part to my ability to experience serenity. I was no longer angry at them and I became able to look at the past with calmness, with softer eyes and heart.

You, too, can find serenity, if that is what you seek. The steps to get there include letting go of the need to be right all the time, or to get your own way. It involves learning how to forgive, and my article on forgiveness may be helpful to you. To receive the article, sign up to the right of this post and you’ll receive step-by-step instructions to gain forgiveness.

I stress forgiveness because we all hold grudges and angers/hurts against others at one time or another. In my own life, when I forgave, life became much sweeter, much more easy. It’s like I just glided along from one moment to the next.

Living by the principle of live and let live is another thing you can adopt in your life that will assist you to find serenity. Live your own life as you wish, as long as you are not harming yourself or others, and let others be free to live their life as they wish, as long as they are not being harmful to themselves or others.

Practicing acceptance is another thing you can do to gain serenity. Learn to live with the realization that things are as they are, and unless they need changing, accept them as they are. Accept the fact that your life is not serene, and with that realization, you open the door to allowing serenity in.

Often, simply acknowledging a feeling will get the energy flowing and will allow you to get unstuck from that feeling. It’s like, once the light is shined on a feeling and exposes it, the Universe has the opportunity to step in and dispel the feeling.

Practice a few of these techniques and you, too, will soon be experiencing serenity in your life. It is truly a pleasant place to be.

Today, allow yourself to live and let live. Learn how to forgive others and yourself. That’s a biggie… Practice accepting life exactly as it is and see how much you gain serenity.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, how to live in serenity, inner peace, peace, serene, serenity, sober, sobriety

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 3

September 22, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

My van

To continue… I must say, I hope you stick with this post. It’s long and I really hated to do a part 4.

The first year and a half of getting sober was difficult, as my feelings were extremely raw and I had nothing with which to numb them. I did a LOT of writing. I took several brisk walks a day.

After several months of doing these things as well as going to 4-5 meetings a day, God brought me the old van I ws telling you about earlier, and I dove in, gutting it, redoing the plumbing and electrical systems in addition to all the woodworking. I designed the interior bulkhead walls and the bookshelves. This project was a life-saver. It eased the difficulty of getting sober and feeling all my emotions.

I left San Diego in the spring of 2002, and headed back to the Bay Area, where I got a job. Soon after, I fell and injured my right, dominant wrist, so much so that I could not write with that hand and started journaling with my non-dominant, left hand. All sorts of deep feelings welled up, out of nowhere.

In fact, some of what I wrote now appears in the book I wrote and photographed, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. In 2004, I discovered that the writings matched perfectly with some gate photos I had taken earlier in the year, describing their physical characteristics perfectly. I did not plan this; it just happened, which is why I believe my book was divinely created, guided.

Anyway, after returning to Marin and injuring myself in 2002, I could not deal with the weather that winter; the rain was blowing sideways and the van was leaking, getting my journals and books wet. I lost it and became suicidal. After reaching out to the crisis line and getting stabilized, I returned to San Diego and proceeded to receive treatment for my wrist injury.

Surgery was necessary, and I spent the next 3 years trying to find a place to live where I could be and not use my hand for a month following the surgery. It was going to be pretty extensive… First I went to Colorado and then to a friend’s home in Washington state, but these places did not work out and I found myself back in Marin in 2005, having surgery.

My emotional recovery continued, as I delved deeper into my psyche. I got assistance from a therapist. But I still was experiencing great, deep despair over my childhood. I felt the pain I had endured was for no purpose in my life, other than to make me miserable. That despair continued until one day, I discovered my purpose in life.

What I discovered was that my story, my abusive history, was of help to another when I talked about it and relayed how I had begun to heal from it. Suddenly, I saw the reason for the abuse. It was to help others by talking about my experience of healing so that they, too, could begin to recover from their abuse, their pain that they had endured. Suddenly I had purpose, my life had purpose.

After realizing my life’s purpose, my whole attitude and belief in myself changed, and I have not felt despair since that discovery, that day. In fact, my recovery has progressed to the point that I am stable and flourishing. Initially after surgery and for 2 years, I pulled together my book. Then I spent the next 2 years publishing and marketing it. It didn’t really take off, despite the fact that everyone who reads it, raves about it.

In 2008, I bought my humble little home in Marin, so now I am a long-term resident in a place that I love. An opportunity and calling came about, working with the Vietnam vets to help them through the suffering they still experience. What I have to offer today that I didn’t have 38 years ago is a way through grief, as well as how to get past anger and bitterness that is long-standing.

You see, I was finally able to forgive my parents for my upbringing. I carried that deep resentment around for 33 years, and am well-versed in how to forgive a long-time hurt. This is one of the major things I talk about when I work with the vets.

I conduct workshops now, as well as coach others. The topics are as I’ve discussed… grief recovery and forgiveness. I love my life and most of all, I love it when, after talking with someone, I see their eyes light up with hope after being sad and listless, void of all hope. That wonderful peace that I have found is something which I love to pass on… how to get there, how to look at the world and oneself with new eyes, 180 degrees from what one saw before.

You, too, can have a healing journey through all of your grief, your anger and bitterness, through all of your despair and hopelessness. It all starts by getting sober, giving up the drink for a kinder and softer way. Come join me. It is a wonderful life. Learn how to start on that path by coming to my workshop Finding Freedom In Forgiveness on National Forgiveness Day, October 27th. For more information and to register, go to http://findforgiveness.eventbrite.com.

If you are hurting enough, and you want something different in your life, then you are ready, perhaps, to embark upon a new journey. Reach out. Get help. You were not intended to do life alone in a vacuum, by yourself. It is a sign of strength and courage to reach out for a hand. There is love out there, brought to you by God’s countless angels. I wish for you to discover it.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: Carolyn CJ Jones, getting sober, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, Nam Vets, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 2

September 21, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

To continue… So, Brad and I were friends and palled around for about a month. During that time, the thought to go on a road trip to “find myself” came to me, so I began preparing my little Audi Quattro (a 1985 runnin’ strong with 350,000 on it) for the trip. My first stop was San Diego where my old Sausalito bar tender was now living, getting sober herself. I packed up the car, made drawers and shelves in the back seat for clothes, pots and pans, and finally left Marin County, planning never to return. I had had it with Marin!

The ironic thing is that I am back, have been since 2005, and now own property in Marin. lol Just goes to show you that you never know where life is going to take you! My trip to San Diego was leisurely, as I stopped at several camp grounds along the way. I would drink my six-pack and go roller blading around the camp grounds, a hobby I had taken up at Brad’s encouragement. (He was a roller blader).

I spent my evenings reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. And drinking, of course. From the book, I formed the belief that there could be a God and that He was constantly sending help and messages my way through other people, songs, ads, etc. I became very open to suggestions by others, seeing that it might be God at work for me.

When I got to San Diego on March 5th, 2001, and spent the night in a Motel 6 in Chula Vista, south of San Diego, I had my last six-pack as I wrote a letter to the man who did not reciprocate my feelings of love. It was a letter explaining the events that occurred that had made me believe he cared, in an attempt to get clarification from him. I became a sloppy and teary-eyed drunk that night, and awoke with a bad hangover, as usual.

I headed to my friend’s on March 6, 2001, and we proceeded getting sober for the next seven days, at which point she claimed she was going to a support group and did I want to join her? As I was taking everything that came along as a sign from God, I said yes. I will never forget that first group meeting I went to. Everyone was going around the circle, claiming to be an alcoholic and giving their name. What would I say when it came my turn!!?? I was terrified to speak.

Miraculously, when my turn came, the words “Hi, I’m Carolyn and I’m an alcoholic,” rolled out of my mouth with no effort or hesitation at all. I cannot tell you what relief that I felt, what weight was lifted form my shoulders. No more hiding. There. Everyone knew, or would know. That meeting was the start of my recovery to a much better place. First though, I had to go through a lot of healing.

It started with looking at my resentments and examining them. After my parents and my ex-husband, came the “white man” for his treatment of and crimes against the Native Americans, and then came the American public for how they treated the Nam vets when they returned home. I was tremendously upset and angry about those things. They were some of the things I drank over.

Speaking of the Vietnam vets, what was my interest in them? Well, I vowed 38 years ago that I would give back to them even a little of what they lost when they returned home. Back then, I had nothing to offer. At this point in my sobriety, I still had nothing, but that changed, and I’ll explain how, tomorrow. Hope to see you then

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: get sober, getting sober, how to get sober, living sober, Nam Vets, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

What It Was Like Getting Sober – Part 1

September 20, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning and welcome back. I am hoping that the last two days of blogging about getting sober have been helpful and useful to you. It’s quite a low point when one realizes it’s time to stop drinking or actually die. At least it was for me. The thing that’s needed is, being convinced that it’s worth living.

Ah, yes. I remember being in this space for several months, drinking more and more, seeking relief from my grief, my confusion over the unrequited love. Finally realizing I would die if I continued, it was with desperation that I prayed to a God I didn’t even believe in, asking for help. God answered. He sent Brad. Today I know that Brad’s coming into my life was a God-thing; back then I didn’t have a clue. Brad was my angel sent from God.

It got to the point when I was drinking that I’d start my afternoon at about 3 pm, at the local bar. I was there for margueritas… two of them. Then I walked to the grocery store across the street for a six-pack of beer, and then back to the boat I was living aboard at the time. It was an anchor-out, meaning it wasn’t attached to the docks, meaning I had to row back and forth to get to and from it.

I had to transport fresh water to the boat, had to monitor the electrical system and charge the batteries every 2 days, and other such tasks for survival, like watching the anchor in a storm to be sure it didn’t drag, allowing the boat to drift. Thankfully, I never had to reset the anchor in a storm; it always held fast..

I lived aboard from November 2000 to February 2001, through the winter months in Sausalito, California. Winters are pretty rainy and really nasty windy in Sausalito that time of year. I clocked some storms with 80 knot winds. Nighttime most often found me out of beer by about 7 or 8 pm, so I’d row in and go to the liquor store for one more six-pack. Miller Lite. Someone once told me that that was not beer! Well, it did the trick for me quite nicely… Anyway, my rowing in and out during the storms was suicidal.

Back to Brad. He was this young guy, in his early 30′s (I was 48 at the time), who rode his bike past the bar where I sat on the deck every afternoon. We’d wave to each other. One day, soon after I begged to God, Brad stopped and asked how I was. It was when I responded “Just fine,” and he replied gently “No you’re not,” that I began to cry.

We became friends and his friendship helped me start the long journey back from deep, debilitating despair. He helped me gain back a sense of reality, of what was real about my thoughts, my feelings. And I continued to drink, just not with such desperation. I contemplated getting sober many times and was terrified to let go of what was familiar in my life.

Miserable as I was with my drinking and the results of it (severe hangovers every morning), I knew what to expect in life. I didn’t think I could feel my feelings any more than I was already doing when I was drunk, and I was terrified of having to deal with more pain in my heart if I quit drinking. I didn’t know if I could stand it.

What I didn’t know at the time was that, once I asked for help from God, that included helping me through those feelings, giving me relief when they became unbearable, when I wanted to drink again. He brought me a major project to do, to occupy myself in a healthy manner… renovation of a 1982 Dodge full-sized van that I gutted and rebuilt in cherrywood. That became my pride and joy, my masterpiece, my business card when I tried to get varnishing jobs. That all happened in early sobriety… and I have jumped a bit ahead of myself.

This post is getting long and there’s still more to come. So, I shall continue tomorrow. Come back and find out how this relates to the soft spot I have in my heart for the Vietnam Veterans.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: finding sobriety, getting sober, how to get sober, living sober, Nam Vets, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, Vietnam veterans, Vietnam vets

Sobriety Brings an Open Heart – Part 2

September 19, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I described a bit about what it was like for me prior to sobriety. Today, I’ll continue with my story.

To get sober, I traveled from Sausalito, California, to San Diego, where I lived with my old Sausalito bar tender who was also getting into sobriety. For a year and a half, we lived together and had a healing home. What I mean by that is that we talked a great deal… about our childhoods and the left-over “stuff” from the experience. We both did a great deal of emotional work on ourselves. At times, it was quite difficult…

My “stuff” included a very poor sense of self-worth. I had no esteem what-so-ever. Well, I did, and it was negative. I was in a great deal of shame about who I was as a person, about my body. These were all a result of being shunned until the age of 17 because I was not an intellectual person like my father and two sisters. I was a creative and excelled at writing, crafts, and music. Music was the only thing my father deemed worthy of support. The rest of my abilities were harshly criticized.

When I was 17, I was a lead in our high school musical, and blew the socks off of everyone, including my father. Finally, there was something I did which he praised and encouraged. Finally!! All those years of criticism about who I was took their toll, however, and I was a pretty damaged person. From the young age of 22, I began drinking… like an alcoholic, and I found it numbed my dealings of worthless, hopelessness, and despair.

Back to San Diego… During early days in sobriety, I continued to be in acute grief over the unrequited love, and I tried desperately to figure out how I had mis-interpreted the guy’s signals. Never did figure that one out. To soothe myself so I could sleep, I listened over and over again to a CD of Jens Kruger, a classical banjo player. The beautiful music lulled me to sleep.

During the day, I wrote for hours, and read spiritual stuff voraciously. Melody Beattie, Iyanla VanZant, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Eckhart Tolle… I couldn’t read fast enough. My heart started opening up and it was acutely painful. To deal with my feelings, I also walked briskly 2-3 times a day and went to 4-5 meetings a day.

It took about five years of sobriety before I felt relief from my grief over the unrequited love, and to begin to feel ok about myself. But before that happened, I was diagnosed with PTSD form all the verbal and physical abuse I’d endured as a child. I had been dealing with PTSD for most of my life until the age of about 53.

Getting diagnosed with PTSD was a major eye-opener. It explained my hyper-vigilance, my startle response, my extreme anger. I sought EMDR treatment and that resolved the PTSD. I still had difficulties, however, with my feelings of despair. I felt the child abuse I had endured was for no purpose, that I had no purpose in life.

These feelings dragged me down and staying sober was difficult during these years. I wanted to numb out so badly! Finally, one day I stumbled across my life’s purpose, which is to tell my story about how I healed, so others might be helped. Since then, my heart has really opened up and I have begun to flourish.

Life has continued to get better from that point forward and my heart has continued to open, to expand. Today, it holds great gratitude for just about everything about my life. I was able to discover how to forgive my parents for how I was treated as a child. I was able to overcome that deep and debilitating grief over the unrequited love.

I have even been able to find self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem. I am so open to others… to helping them out, being of service. I am a happy person today, calm and at peace. Sobriety has brought me healing and with it, an open heart.

Are you dissatisfied with your life, with who you are, bitter about the past? And are you drinking heavily over it? Have you considered stopping drinking? If not, then have you heard of the glorious riches that occur when you embark upon sobriety? I highly recommend a life lived with an open heart, and if you’re a heavy drinker, I invite you to explore the reasons behind this, and to take action to resolve those feelings. I invite you to open your heart through sobriety. Above all, I wish for you happiness and peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: EMDR, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, PTSD, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Sobriety Brings an Open Heart – Part 1

September 18, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning, all! I wish for you a happy and productive day.

Yesterday’s search that found this blog was “sobriety open heart,” and this is a topic about which I’d like to write. You see, I have a distinct difference in the state of my heart before sobriety and then after I became sober and was sober for a few years.

It was a slow dawning in sobriety, a slow awakening, before my heart really opened up. For the several months prior to becoming sober, I was in a state of deep and debilitating grief and despair. It was a situation of an unrequited love and I had thought to my core that the man reciprocated my feelings so to be told he didn’t care for me came as a severe blow to my psyche, to my heart. I responded by losing touch with reality and drinking/crying for several months. I couldn’t even feed myself. I belonged in a psych ward, truly.

Prior to that experience, I was married (had been for 20 years) and lived aboard a 45 foot sailboat. We were fixing it up and planning to go cruising one day. The only problem was the relationship and, specifically, my emotional state. I was acutely unhappy in the marriage and had been for some time. It was verbally abusive… a soul-crusher. Of course, I did not have enough awareness at the time to know that it was ravaging my soul. At the time, I didn’t even know I had a soul. Also a problem were my long-standing negative beliefs about myself, in direct response to an abusive upbringing.

In the marriage, I had long since stopped listening to my heart, and was resigned to stay in the relationship because everyone, including my husband, expected me to stay. In response to my dissatisfaction, I drank… very heavily. But I worked a regular job and didn’t start my drinking until 5 pm. Even so, I was usually pretty drunk by the time my husband got home at 6 or 7 pm because I was drinking on an empty stomach.

An argument usually started when he arrived and it was typically because I was drunk. He would join me, however, and soon he was also drunk and, therefore, the fact that I had been drunk became okay, it didn’t matter. There then was usually some sort of put down for the work I was doing, both in my paying job and in my work on the boat. This was accompanied with digs about what a loser I was.

You see, my husband and I had a history of renovating things… houses, cars, and boats. I was the woodworker and painter – I did all the wood refinishing, varnishing and painting fiberglass with linear polyurethane paint. Nasty stuff, that LP, but I loved working with chemicals, so was okay with it. (I wore a respirator…) My husband’s complaint was that I was not bringing in enough money from my job, that I was only working part-time while he was busting his ass, but what he failed to give me credit for was the amazing amount of work I was doing on the boat. The boat was an old traditional one, with tons of teak wood trim. It was in a state of disrepair when we bought it.

While working on the boat, I was fulfilled, for varnishing and painting were very meditative things for me. I really got into the tedium of it; it soothed my soul. While I was working on a project, my emotional state was okay and I could tolerate the slams from my husband, but when I wasn’t working on a project, I responded to his slights and digs by getting drunker. The last seven years of my drinking, I drank until 2-3 am, into oblivion.

Eventually, I had had it, and one day, I just left. I had been threatening to do so for years, so he was quite surprised when I did leave. I even refused counseling, as I didn’t see that he could change who he was, and who he was, was not the person I wanted to be with. I soon met and fell deeply in love with another man at the docks, and then came the unrequited love incident which drove me to my bottom. I finally sought sobriety out of desperation and the firm belief that I was going to die if I didn’t stop drinking.

This post is getting long, and this is a good stopping point. Join me tomorrow as I talk about my journey into sobriety, and the discovery of my heart and soul.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living

The Right to be Respected and Respect Others

September 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The right to be respected and respect others… one of the search terms that led someone to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to speak of this topic… respect of self and others…

What is it about respecting ourselves and others that has so many people stumped? I mean, they don’t do it easily. That is evidenced by all the fighting that occurs… between people, between nations, between our own ears. Why is it so difficult for us to respect ourselves and others? That’s what I want to know.

I suspect it is fear… fear of something and I’m not sure what. Usually, behind shunning or disrespect is the inability to live and let live, to accept the differences of others and delight in the differences that they present. You see, the differences that others present is the rich fabric of our lives. The more we engage in celebrating the differences of others, the more respect we can offer them.

Maybe people are unable to respect others because they feel insecure in themselves. Perhaps, they need someone to put down in order to build themselves up. That’s a sad commentary, isn’t it? The fact is that we are all different and unique and in that uniqueness, lies our beauty. “One is not more beautiful than another, if we will only look, if we will only see.”

These are the words from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The title of the verse and photo which are paired with these words is Cultivation of Differences. The photo shows the knobs of a gate and the knobs, three of them, are black, brown, and yellow. Clearly, I am making a statement about cultivating the differences between people of different color.

In my book, I go through a process of how to get to the point of respecting and tolerating not only others, but ourselves as well. I wonder whether we stumble in our self-respect and tolerance because we are feeling unworthy as a being. Feeling unworthy is not a fun place to be. It leads to all sorts of maladies, and lack of self-respect is just one of them.

So, if you are one who feels unworthy about yourself, showing no self-respect, then what can you do? How can you move through that? One thing you can do is a performance appraisal, a self-appraisal. Specifically, do the part of the appraisal where you identify all your good points, all of the positive things about yourself.

From that, determine what you do in your daily life to honor those positive points about yourself. Is not respect for who you are warranted? I suspect it is. In fact, I know it is, for we are each worthy, valuable, and to be respected. Look at how you treat yourself. Is it with respect or do you speak of yourself, treat yourself, poorly, with condemnation?

This is not advisable, for it erodes your spirit, your soul. It erodes the essence of who you are at your core. At your core is beauty, uniqueness, worthiness. Are these not issues to be respected for? I think they are.

Look at yourself. Take a hard and deep look within and see what you are doing in your life to respect yourself and others. Once you can show respect for all, you will know a new kind of peace. Sobriety is easier to maintain when you begin to respect yourself and others.

Just remember one thing… someone else’s importance or traits does not detract from your own greatness. The world is big enough to hold all of us in our greatness and this is worthy of respect.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, performance appraisal, respect, respectful, self-appraisal, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, tolerance

The Right to be Respected and Respect Others

September 17, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

The right to be respected and respect others… one of the search terms that led someone to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to speak of this topic… respect of self and others…

These are the words from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The title of the verse and photo which are paired with these words is Cultivation of Differences. The photo shows the knobs of a gate and the knobs, three of them, are black, brown, and yellow. Clearly, I am making a statement about cultivating the differences between people of different color.

Just remember one thing… someone else’s importance or traits does not detract from your own greatness. The world is big enough to hold all of us in our greatness and this is worthy of respect.

To Have Hope In Hopelessness

September 16, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

To have hope in hopelessness… Ah, yes. The ever-illusive hope. The crawl from hopelessness to a semblance of peace and calm inside. The search term which struck me from yesterday was “to have hope in hopelessness.” There were actually two queries related to finding hope from hopelessness, so I thought I would address one way in which to do that.

Hope is defined as a feeling that what is wanted will occur or happen; it is desire accompanied by expectation. It is that state in which we all wish to live, as our desires and expectations are met. In this case, the desire is for peace-of-mind. You keep your hope because you expect your desire to have emotional peace will be met.

What happens when it isn’t? What happens when you slip into hopelessness? First of all, it has been my experience that you don’t just “slip” into hopelessness. In my journey, hopelessness came after repeated and seemingly endless desires that were not met. Being continually let down

Hopelessness is the state of having no belief that things can get better, the belief that your situation is impossible to solve or deal with. It often slides into despair, which is utter loss of hope and the resulting dejection that occurs. Often, when you are in despair, you think about dying.

I got to a point of utter hopelessness and despair about five or six years into my sobriety. I could see no purpose in having had to endure what I did as a child, other than to make me miserable in my life. I had sustained PTSD as a result of the chronic abuse; it went undiagnosed until I was 53 years old, so I lived with it all that time.

I saw no purpose in my childhood experience, no way that it added to my growth or evolution as a human being. I wanted to die. Afraid I’d fail in my attempt at suicide, I started praying to God to let me die. I became despondent when that didn’t happen.

So, where do you go when you are feeling hopeless, despondent and despairing? In my case, it was over a bad childhood. If you are a Vietnam Veteran, it may have been the degradation of your honor, based on how you were greeted and treated when you returned home. Whatever the cause, hopelessness is devastating and erodes your spirit, your very soul.

Quite by accident, I stumbled upon a solution. Frankly, I don’t think it was an accident; I believe it happened by divine intervention… I had an experience that melted away my terrible hopelessness and despair. I had an opportunity to be useful to someone else who was suffering emotionally, someone else who felt hopeless from his years of treatment he received as a child.

After I had been of service by sharing my similar experience and how I had healed thus-far, I realized that, without my experience with childhood trauma and the will to try and get out from under its long-lasting effects, I never would have been able to help this man. I never would have been of service to him.

Suddenly, the experience of trauma made sense. It happened so I could be of service to another. The trauma had a purpose. I had a purpose. It was to help out a fellow human being. On that day, I believed in a flash that my message is God-sent, and is intended for you who are feeling, or have felt, hopeless in their lives. My message is one of hope that your experiences can be made purposeful if you turn around and help another through their troubles, sharing what you have learned.

Not only did I see in that instant that my history served a vital function; I also saw that my message of hope was meant for many people. Within my message of hope comes the ability to forgive after years of anger and bitterness, the recovery from long-standing and debilitating grief.

You will need to search the corners of your heart and determine what difficult life lessons warrant sharing with another or others. How can you take your experiences and be of service to others? Even just one other person… I invite you to take action by figuring this out and carrying out that service. It is the most satisfying feeling to be of service to another. It offer them hope in hopelessness.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: hope, hope in hopelessness, hopeful, hopelessness, how to find peace, inner peace, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Living with Gates Flung Wide – Ah, Peace

September 15, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 1 Comment

Yesterday, I talked about how to forgive… an actual process to use to get there. Once you find forgiveness, you will move into all the wonderful benefits of freedom and peace. You will begin to live with the gates of your heart flung wide open.

What do I mean by this? Well, first of all, you will begin to see the world around you with wonder… awe and wonder. You will seek out that attitude, applying it to everything you encounter.

When you find forgiveness and begin to see things around you with wonder, you will live in grace. Grace is a feeling of goodwill and is a favor which is bestowed upon you. It is a virtue given to you by the powers of the Universe, or God, or whatever you call the divine in your life. It settles quietly… gently… like a soft and comforting cloak.

It is hard to describe what it feels to live in grace, but one thing that happens for me is that everything falls easily into place. I have a deep sense of knowingness that life in its essence is perfect, and I sort of float from one thing to the next, not in a dizzy state, rather, in a calm and conscious way.

When you can find forgiveness, your life begins to be lived in joy… great happiness. Joy is a feeling of great pleasure or delight. You know when you are living with joy in your life when the little things become so pleasurable for you, that you wear a smile on your heart throughout the day.

And, finally, you will know peace. This is a feeling that all is well. It is felt at a deeper level. Regardless of the strife that arises, you know that everything is as it is intended to be, and you are alright in the world. It is a sense that pervades all others.

These are the things that you will experience once you go through a self-appraisal, and begin to learn to express compassion for others and yourself… once you find forgiveness for others and yourself. It is a truly beautiful space in which to live each day.

This is a state-of-mind that I have looked for all my life. I tried for 26 years to find it in alcohol and drugs and I thought I was experiencing joy all those years. What I realized after a few years of sobriety is that I didn’t have a clue what joy was, what wonder or grace was, and I certainly never experienced peace while I was drinking.

In other words, what I have found since forgiving and doing my grief work is a feeling that is so far greater than anything I had ever imagined possible. The journey to get to this point becomes well worth it once you get to this point.

For those of you who are dealing with long-standing anger or resentment, it is possible to get through that to another place, a place where you feel relaxed with others, with yourself, with the world around you. I wish you well in your journey and hope for you the path to forgiveness and peace.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, forgiveness, grace, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, joy, living sober, peace, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Forgiveness – Step-by-Step How to Get There

September 13, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. For some reason, this did not publish yesterday and I thought it did. I even read it on the website, I thought. I apologize for any confusion and now offer the how-to’s of forgiveness. Here is what I wrote for yesterday.

Good morning. Welcome back to the continuation of our discussion about forgiveness. Two days ago, I talked about what it was like to discover it. Today, I will present a process that could serve to move you from anger and resentment to forgiveness and peace.

I say “could” because the process will work when you are open and willing, with your action and participation. Let’s look at a system I stumbled upon that worked to move me into forgiveness; I am confident it could happen for you, too.

This is going to be a write-along today. I invite you to do the exercises that are defined below… It looks like an endless list, and much of what is written is explanation or information for you. I would strongly urge that you allow your mind and heart to be clear by avoiding the use of substances while you do this. Otherwise, you will never move forward to peace. Know that if you get stuck in any one spot, there is support and assistance available. That’s what I do… guide people over the hurdles on the way to forgiveness.

Here’s the process:

Identify the person who wronged you and how they wronged you. List them.
Determine if you provoked the other person and if you did, then own it, be accountable for it. It’s time to be humble, give up on the anger you hold, and forgive. Apologize if you have hurt another.
Determine if you have ever done the very same thing that was done to you. Own it and be accountable if you have. Write down the circumstances – what you did and how you were feeling at the time.
Feel compassion for yourself, an emotionally damaged person at that time
Now consider and believe that the person who wronged you was also emotionally and spiritually damaged.
Let compassion fill your being; feel compassion for their spirit, their soul.
Even if you have not repeated their wrong, feel compassion for them.
Stay in that space of compassion you would have for any wounded person. Hold it for both you and the other person.
Allow one chunk of anger and heartache to melt away and replace it with just a little bit of forgiveness.
Consciously notice any relief that you felt by the small amount of letting some anger go.
This is the gift you’ll experience. Write it (or them) down.

This is a process you can do over and over, and it will gently erode away your resentment, your bitterness. It will leave you eventually, the resentment will, if you keep at this.

If you are successful in shedding your anger and resentment, I applaud you. This all occurred through your creation. You created your own peace by forgiving and accepting what is. Nice work.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement Tagged With: finding forgiveness, forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, the art of forgiveness

Forgiveness – Continued

September 12, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I am working on the next post, with the specific process to follow to get to forgiveness. However, I ran out of time and am racing out the door to an all-day conference to get continuing education credits for my nursing license. I’m afraid I’ll have to continue it tomorrow morning. As long as you’re here, why don’t you scroll down and read the first of the two-part post? Enjoy your day!

Filed Under: Sober Living

Forgiveness is the Key to Your Inner Peace

September 11, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Do you live in the space of anger at others for things that happened long ago. resenting the heck out of them? Or, do you live in the realm of forgiveness, having moved through your resentment to the other side?

There is another side, you know, a side where there is freedom from the physical and emotional aspects of anger, resentment. I don’t know about you, but when I was angry for all those 36 years, I was tight as a drum in my muscles, went around with a scowl on my face a great deal of the time.

Emotionally, I was always in a turmoil, a continual thought process about how I’d been wronged by so-an-so, who had hurt me, whose fault it was. I definitely did not have inner peace. I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Peace? Being at peace in my heart, my mind? What’s THAT?

What I discovered after about 5 years of sobriety was true forgiveness and the effect of that forgiveness was that 36 years of anger and rage slowly receded. One day, I just noticed how my energy was being spent watching the world and other people around me, and that I was a witness to miracles, every day. This realization bred a great deal of joy for me.

All this was possible and had occurred, because I was willing to consider forgiveness when it looked me in the eye. It looked me in the eye when I realized I was doing to the men in my life the very same thing that had been done to me when I was a child. I used to get drunk and scream at them that they were worthless. I was heartsick and mortified when I remembered this, because I so denigrated their soul.

The thing is, I didn’t even feel that way about THEM, I was feeling worthless about ME. After realizing that, I was given the grace to feel compassion for myself, a small child being told she was worthless, and the permanent scars that these words caused in her life.

One day it dawned on me… if I didn’t feel the men in my life were worthless, instead that I was worthless and said it uncontrollably, then is it possible my father hadn’t meant it about me, but instead, about himself and was unable to keep those feelings of worthlessness inside? Suddenly, the door was opened ever-so-slightly. Through that crack, I saw a man, just a man, young at that, with lots of responsibility for a large family, under lots of stress, having endured the verbal abuse himself at the hands of his father.

I saw all of that through the crack in the door, and slowly, it crept open and compassion flowed in. Well, it actually trickled, but steadily flowed. Forgiveness came over me slowly, gently, with God’s grace and my actions and thought processes. Willingness and being open minded and open hearted helped a great deal.

Suddenly, I began to experience what I described before… the ability to observe the miracles happening all around me. I put my toe in these waters, slowly, cautiously, not sure if I was dreaming or if the feeling of freedom would be rudely yanked away. Time showed me that it was permeant and that I loved it as a space to hang out in.

You, too, can discover the willingness to consider looking at things with new eyes. That’s all it takes. Willingness to consider something and someone differently. Then it takes compassion and being willing to extend it to another. What lies through this all is peace, inner peace. And freedom. Join me tomorrow and I’ll walk you through the process of how to find forgiveness for not only others, but yourself as well.

My day would feel incomplete to me if I did not say this… May we hold a screed space for those who were directly affected by the events of 9/11, and also for those of us who stood helplessly watching… horrified. Many blessings for those brave souls who sprang into action to help.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Joyous emotions, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: forgive, forgiveness, how to find forgiveness, how to find peace, how to forgive, inner peace, peace, Willingness

Finding Compassion in Sobriety and Sobriety in Compassion

September 10, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Very interesting the search terms that were used yesterday to find my site. Two of ten known ones were about how to show compassion and six of the ten were about sobriety. I was planning on continuing today with compassion, so that’s why it’s interesting what showed up in the results.

Over half counted were interested in sobriety, so I will include sobriety in my discussion… I am always happy to talk about sobriety because it is such an awesome addition to the journey.

Compassion is another one of the actions you can take that will help to push open the gates of your heart. That compassion, once you learn how to do it, is needed for both others and yourself. It’s a double -laned highway on the way to forgiveness. Through forgiveness, you will find peace. I am jumping ahead. Let me refocus…

As you develop new ways to be in the world for others and yourself, consider adding compassion to the tools you use to promote peace within. I found I had no clue what compassion was nor how to show it until I was a few years into sobriety. At some point, I began to notice the wonderful feeling of goodwill I had toward others, where my heart went out to them in a truly genuine way.

Without sobriety, I was too into myself… my fears, my ego, myself. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to be much concerned with what was going on with you. I am talking about concern that was more than superficial. I am talking about concern that makes me want to hear more of your plight, in an effort to determine how I can be of service to you.

This same concern for others that I show has to be shown to myself, also, in order for me to stay sober and to find more peace in my life. The same is true for you. You have to start learning to show yourself compassion in situations, for example, where you behaved badly because of some wound that was touched, some chord that was struck.

In that situation, if you can recognize that you were a wounded person in the moment you erred, needing some love and understanding, triggered to return to an original wound, then you can offer yourself compassion. Even, especially, offer yourself compassion for the ways in which you err against yourself with your negative self-talk, the criticisms, and beating-yourself-up.

This is virtually impossible to do if you are drinking and drugging, which is why sobriety becomes so important. You see, once you realize you have a wound that needs to be healed, the pain from that wound is exposed to the light and the pain may be intense. You want to deaden that pain, and perhaps use substances to do so.

But deadening the pain only prolongs the process you need to go through to heal and get to the other side of your angst. I experienced many times, again and again, that by exposing my pain and being willing to look at it, and to feel it, that it dissipated, resolved. I’m not saying the pain wasn’t excruciating at times, because it was and I wanted desperately to drink or dull the pain in some way or another.

Yet, my sobriety was my number one concern and I did not want to go back to the horror of my last several months of drinking. I did a LOT of journalling, brisk walking, and attending meetings of my support group. I did that for the first year and a half of sobriety. It helped. I also had a CD of soothing music, classical banjo and guitar, and I played it non-stop in the evening and night to soothe me.

I was showing myself compassion at the time, but didn’t know it as such.

You, too, can begin to become aware of how to treat yourself and your wounds, with great compassion. It will add to your sobriety, and your sobriety will add to your ability to show compassion to yourself. It feels really good. I invite you to try it for yourself.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: compassion, compassion for myself, compassion for others, compassion for ourselves, how to find peace, how to show compassion, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety

Find Peace By Doing a Performance Appraisal

September 9, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Standing strong in your truths is the search term from yesterday that applies to today’s post. Today we’re going to talk about one way to find peace through conducting a performance appraisal, a self-assessment. It requires that you stand strong in your truths about who and what you are, how you act and behave toward others and yourself. It requires that you be honest with yourself about yourself.

I have a friend who is all balled up over this issue. He has pushed away people that have been friends for 40 years. He is indignant about being called on the carpet for being verbally abusive to his wife. He has now disowned all his friends and his son for pointing that fact out to him. The thing is, he is not taking responsibility for his bad behavior toward his wife.

He WAS verbally abusive to his wife during a gathering of friends in Vegas last year. He is not taking responsibility for that bad behavior, though. Instead, he sees that his woes are caused by everyone else… his friend and his son when, in fact, he brought the critique on himself through his actions and words.

Many people do not look at their part in a situation, instead blaming others for their woes. Nine times out of ten, they are experiencing their woes because of their own behavior. In other words, they brought their woes upon themselves. If this is ever pointed out to them, they get huffy and indignant, like, “How dare you say such things to me.” What the person is failing to do in this situation is to get humble, and admit to their shortcoming(s).

To do a performance appraisal, find a block of time where you can do some writing and reflecting. Start by listing all of your positive points down. Then, list out your positive actions and behaviors for the past week or the past month. The objective is to identify the good things that make up who you are at your core.

Next, list out your negative behaviors and actions, including negative thoughts about yourself. Be honest. Be humble and accept that you are a human being who is human and who erred. Accept responsibility for your actions… be accountable for yourself.

Once you are, you may find that you owe another an apology. Do so and relay to them the way in which you were wrong. Don’t beat yourself up for your behavior; just vow to not repeat it if you can help it. Use it as a learning tool, a tool of self-discovery.

Once you complete your performance appraisal, you will begin to know more peace of heart, more calmness of mind. As you go through each day, continually be on the lookout for ways in which you have erred, have hurt another, and right that wrong quickly.

Today, as you reflect upon your performance appraisal, recognize that you are a human being on a journey of self-discovery, working toward inner peace. I invite you to take responsibility for your actions and words, how you treat others and yourself. See if that doesn’t lead you to more peace-of-mind.

If you are having difficulty doing a performance appraisal, consider setting up a coaching call with me and I can help you through the process. See how by clicking on the “Coaching Services” selection under the “Services” tab above.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Principle of living, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how to find peace, inner peace, peace, performance appraisal, self-appraisal, slef-assessment

Find Peace – Keys to Unlock the Gates of Your Heart

September 8, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones 2 Comments

Good morning! I hope this finds you well, and on your way to creating peace in your life!

Yesterday’s search term that caught my attention was “an invitation to the opening.” Very interesting, given that we are dealing with the keys to unlock, then open, the gates of your heart. And, I invite you to join in our journey, the search for peace about which I am blogging.

The journey involves first using the keys to unlock the gates of your heart. These can be used all the time. In fact, I recommend that you DO use them all the time. It will further your ability to create peace in your life.

The first and most important key is willingness. You must be willing to take the journey, willing to look at things with new eyes. Are you willing? You can be willing at any time, all the time… willing and eager for new information. I cannot stress how far willingness will take you.

Then there’s surrender. I used to think surrender meant giving up in despair. But it means giving in, letting go, of just about everything… the need to control and manage everyone and everything, the need to control and manage your feelings, to look good to others. It means letting go of trying to control the course of your life.

This is different than taking action. You want to take action in all areas of your life, but then, after taking that action, you will want to let go of the results and let them occur naturally. If things are meant to happen, they will, without your prodding and pushing.

The next key to unlock the gates of your heart is gratitude. Gratitude turns your life to gold, everywhere you look, with everything you touch. You see, if you are grateful for the little things, the littlest of events, your life will begin to transform and you will experience peace more and more. If you have difficulty seeing the world with gratitude, practice waking up and being grateful that you woke up, given the chance to live another day.

When you’re in despair or having feelings of worthlessness, waking up won’t be something to be grateful for, most likely. I know I experienced that, at any rate. In that case, learn to be grateful for one little thing in your life and hang onto that gratitude. Openly thank Source for that one thing, over and over again. Over time, you will be able to expend that gratitude to other things.

There will even become a point when you will be grateful for even the tough times, as you will realize there is a gift in them, a lesson to be learned. When you reach this point, then you will have mastered gratitude. Work toward this goal and when you reach it, you will be knowing peace.

But don’t try to fake it. Be real and authentic with your thoughts and feelings that you tell yourself or others. Admit to having a bad day. Be careful not to slip into self-pity, however. Just state facts about your situation, without pity, without remorse. Be sad or whatever you are at the time, but catch yourself short of wallowing in pity for yourself. This is a non-productive and energy-sucking place to go.

These are the three main keys to unlock the gates of your heart that will lead you to peace. There are other keys, such as humility, courage, honesty, and having an open heart and mind. Over time, as you practice these keys, they will become automatic. They are something you can do all the time.

Today, take some time to practice being willing, surrendering, and being grateful. These three things alone will lead you to more peace. I wish you well in your efforts to unlock the gates of your heart.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: gratitude, how to find peace, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, surrender, Willingness

Dealing with Despair and Hopelessness

September 7, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Spaces of Courage

Good morning! I hope your day is off to a great start. The search terms that stood out for me yesterday were how to gain emotional strength when someone put you down and inspiration quote for hopelessness. So, hopelessness and a downgrading of one’s spirit. These lead into today’s topic of despair.

Hopelessness and despair often happen together. It is the feeling that nothing is worth it, that there is no point in continuing. You have reached the end of your rope and don’t know how to move forward. An assault on your character can sometimes lead you to hopelessness and despair.

How do you move past these? How do you regain a feeling of worth and goodness? The first thing to do is to just keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other, believing with some part of your heart that things will improve. and actually, they will. I know that’s hard to believe, but read on.

For me, getting past this hopelessness and despair happened when I learned what my life’s purpose was. I discovered that my purpose is to share my story from great despair and praying to die, to joy and peace, so that others might benefit from it. My purpose is to be of service. Perhaps that is yours also. Look at what you have suffered in your lifetime, and how that can be useful to another.

Perhaps the one thing that talks about the despair the most is my verse from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. The verse is Spaces of Courage and it offers solace and a viable solution. I would like to share it with you today.

“We all hold feelings of hurt, disappointment, grief, and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.

“Perhaps, rather than cast the pain out of our heart or give it to another, it would be better to find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain gently, tenderly… with great compassion.

“If we find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps, we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal.”

This verse suggests to us that asking for spiritual assistance can help. I have found this to be true. I have discovered that when I feel these emotions, I can turn to my Source for comfort. Then, it is up to me to place one foot in front of the other and take some sort of action to further help myself. Usually, that action involves talking to someone else about my feelings.

You, too, can follow this formula when you are feeling despair and hopelessness. Connect with your Source for comfort and solace, then take action. Try asking for help from someone you trust. You’d be surprised how many people are wanting to help.

Beware, however, of those who wish to do nothing more than to tell you what to do. Find someone instead who will listen and show compassion for your feelings, who will relay what worked for them without pushing it on you. You will discover some relief when you do this.

Hopelessness and despair are difficult at best, yet, there is a way through them. Do not give up. Try what I suggest and see if that helps. I am hopeful it will.

The feelings we have discussed… fear, grief, and hopelessness/despair, are difficult and I hope the input I have provided will be of some use to you in opening the gates of your heart. Tomorrow, I shall start to deal with using the keys to unlock those gates. Until then… many blessings.

Filed Under: Difficult emotions, Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: despair, hopelessness, opening the gates of your heart

Creating Peace-of-Mind – Walking Through Grief

September 6, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Yesterday, the search terms that jumped out at me were how to try to forgive, and inspiration when self-esteem is low. To speak to these two issues… We are working though a process that will improve your self-esteem, so join in and follow along this blog for the next several days. One of the things we are working toward is forgiveness, both of others and ourselves. The point is, I can address both of these issues…

So far, I have spoken about identifying wounds that form your feelings, and the fear associated with your behavior that keeps you stuck. Today, we will move through the feeling of grief.

Grief is defined by John W. James and Russell Friedman in The Grief Recovery Handbook: 20th Anniversary Edition as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. So, grief can occur from the death of a loved one, as well as loss of a job, divorce, or a move to a new location.

They believe there are no stages that one goes through in grief, and that each person’s grieving process is totally unique to them. It is dependent on the ways they saw grief handled when they were growing up.

The messages we were told when growing up were: don’t feel bad, replace what was lost, grieve alone, just give it time, and be strong for others. These messages lead us to isolate and to hold in our pain when we grieve, neither of which serves to move us through the process to wholeness.

John and Russell advocate reading their book and doing the exercises with another person who is going through the grieving process, so each can be a support and a sounding board for the other.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined five stages to the grieving process which can occur in any order, but generally follow the path of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These she defines in relation to the death and dying process. They occur as a “dance,” with an intermingling of the stages, completion of one or two, then return to the first, then move to the third, and so forth.

Depression when you experience a loss is normal. To not be depressed is unusual. After all, what you are coping with is depressing. It is not clinical depression, however, if you have underlying depression to begin with, you may wish to consult a professional to see if anti-depressants are warranted for you.

There is no fast and easy way through grief. It takes time and the recognition of our feelings. Furthermore, it involves the expression of those feelings to someone, be it a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or someone else who is grieving. Since we learned at a young age that no one wanted to hear about our grief, this is especially difficult for most people, yet, it is necessary for the process to flow forward.

One way to also let your feelings be heard is to journal. I suggest writing with your “other” hand, the one you don’t typically write with, your non-dominant hand. By doing this, you exercise the other side of your brain and all sorts of deep feelings well up. This is an especially safe way to express yourself, but it is still crucial that you express your feelings to another being.

In the end, acceptance is what is gained. To quote Kubler-Ross about acceptance, “Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being ‘all right’ or ‘okay’ with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.”

It is possible to get past and through your grief, as long as you can identify and speak about your feelings. They are not wrong or stupid to have, and you are not bothering another to talk about them.

Today, look at all the losses you have suffered in your lifetime. Draw a timeline of your losses, beginning with the first recollection you have in life. Your loss may involve the grief from the lack of a normal childhood, or it may involve the loss of a pet, a divorce. Whatever the reason, it is important to bring those feelings to the forefront to examine and feel, and then to share them with another. I wish you well in your journey.

New layer…

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement Tagged With: grief, how to grieve, how to recover from grief, ways to express grief

Creating Peace-of-Mind – Getting Past Fear

September 5, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. Yesterday, one search term was fear conclusion. I am thinking that means getting to the conclusion of fear. That’s what we’re going to discuss today. Fear… and how to get past it.

Fear… that you’re not good enough, that you look or act stupid, that you are a bother to others, that you are ugly, etc. Whatever you tell yourself that sounds like these, it is destructive to your soul. It erodes your spirit.

Yet, fear serves a purpose which is to protect you and keep you safe. Fear happens automatically in situations where you might be in danger. We often get stuck in the fight, flight, or freeze mode. This just automatically happens. When you recognize fear is happening, you can breathe. Breathe, Then ask for help with your fear. Finally, take action, however small. Just take action.

Because you go to that mechanism of survival when you feel fear, you have to get out of the mechanism of survival and then speak or art. When you get stuck in fear, you go to your old patterns of behavior. The key is to get out of that pattern, and this is best done by using the breathing, ask for help, and take action formula. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is actually quite courageous.

The next thing that you can do to shift from that fear state is to acknowledge you are experiencing fear. It will dissipate when you shine light on it.

The third step is to make the choice to stay in that fear, or to leave it. This is a conscious decision, made after you recognize your fear and acknowledge it.

Fear often shows up as procrastination. It’s not that you’re lazy as much as you may be having underlying fear.

It doesn’t work to tell someone to get over their fear It doesn’t work that way. You need to identify your state of mind and get unstuck from that point.

Fear keeps you from your dream. I ask you, what would your life look like if you were living your dream instead of your fear?

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Inspirational Quotes About Life, Inspirational Sayings, Self Improvement Tagged With: fear, fear conclusion, fear resolution, fearful, how to cope with fear

More About Creating Peace-of-Mind

September 4, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Hello again. I have begun to pay more attention to the search terms used to find me, and I see that yesterday, three were used that I’d like to address.

The first is “what to do when you’re in despair.” Actually, to the one that wrote this, I invite you to hang out on this blog for the next several days, and you will read about how I went from great and debilitating despair to an eventual experience of peace-of-mind.

The second is “emotional pain is necessary for emotional growth.” There is some truth in this. Often, we do not look at ourselves or have the desire to grow until we are faced with such emotional pain that it forces us to look, to consider new things that lead us to want to tackle change that we know is coming as a result of our struggle and search. In a way, you can welcome emotional pain because you can be assured you will grow and improve as a result of it.

Finally, “sober through effort and perseverance” was the third term that caught my attention, because I am all about effort and perseverance in relation to drinking and getting sober. Effort is taking action, contemplating, making the decision to make changes in your life, to stay sober while doing it, and taking action.

As far as perseverance, we must return again and again and again to the healing ground, that place of freedom and peace-of-mind that we are trying to locate. So, we return again and again to our sobriety, our trying over and over each day to stay sober. It’s not easy sometimes while we’re healing, and I applaud your efforts in this area!

From yesterday, I asked you to identify your wounds and the feeling associated with each wound. Take that list and look at it, one emotion or feeling at a time, applying the following actions to each.

First, acknowledge that the feeling is there, that you are feeling it. Just say hello to it. Often, just by acknowledging a feeling, it begins to go away, or to ease in intensity. So go ahead. Spend some time acknowledging one emotion.

Then, feel it. I mean, really allow yourself to feel it. I not only invite you, but I also urge you, to do this without numbing yourself with substances, as that will block the process and you won’t get the results that you could get if you are sober or clean and clear-headed.

Feeling the pain, the wound and the associated feeling, is difficult, and, yet, necessary in the process. Sit with it, with the feeling, and it will eventually pass. Respect that the feeling is trying to tell you something. If your feeling is anger, look beyond the anger and try to find the hurt or whatever lies behind the anger.

Maybe your pride was hurt, in which case, you need to fetch yourself up and realize your ego was bruised. You can become humble about having your ego bruised and realize that, perhaps, what was said about you was/is true, and now you have a chance to improve upon yourself as a person. See how that works? It is possible to transform that feeling of anger just by looking at what is behind it and by looking with new eyes.

Certainly, there are other emotions you are experiencing other than anger, but this is a common one, and I wanted to address another way to look at it. We will be addressing it further down the road.

Now that you have felt and respected your emotion, go one step further and realize you are not weak for feeling what you feel. For example, if you feel fear, that is a human reaction that comes from the part of our brain that works automatically to keep us safe. So fear pops up for us to determine if we need to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

But fear can become destructive to you. Fear that you are not good enough, or that you will be looked at as weak or stupid, is destructive to your soul and you want to ferret those out, recognize them, so they can dissipate when light is shined upon them.

After applying awareness and respect to your wounds, you will feel some relief from them, just by having admitted they are there. Now you can go on to the next part of the process, which is looking in more depth at your fears. I do this because fear often rules us and the reactions we have, the words we say, or the actions we take.

Return tomorrow and I’ll talk about fear and how to deal with that emotion. Tell a buddy who is struggling about this blog, so s/he can get the benefits from the process I am guiding you through. See you tomorrow where we will further the journey to peace-of-mind!

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: how do I find peace, how to stay sober, inner peace, peace, peace of mind, sober, sobriety, stay sober

Creating Peace-of-Mind Using a Process I Discovered

September 3, 2012 by Carolyn CJ Jones Leave a Comment

Good morning. It is pre-dawn and I am anxious for the day to proceed, while at the same time, savoring every moment. Living in the moment… Now there’s a concept about which I had no clue before I started on my journey of self-discovery and healing. I had no clue at all that doing such a thing was an option for me.

I was always worried about the future or the past. Worried that I’d screw something up, or make someone mad, or look stupid, or not get what I wanted, and then I could flip back to wondering what someone thought of me in a recent encounter. I was so worried about my self-image.

It took me several years of sobriety to be able to recognize that I was doing that and I finally got that it was related to my woundedness, to my past. Today, I live more in the moment, more concerned about connecting my message to the world, and less about what I look like, whether I’m bothering you. In other words, I have grown as a result of my healing.

That’s part of my message for you today – that it’s possible to go from emotional turmoil, living in the past and the future, to emotional calm and peace-of-mind. In fact, I help people , and a large amount of veterans, transform from grief, guilt, or anger to emotional calm and peace-of-mind. It is the process I went through to reach that state about which I am going to blog for a few days.

It all starts with willingness, this self-discovery stuff does. Are you willing to take a journey to wholeness, to peace? Is that frightening for you? Why is that? I know it was scary for me, and I wondered if you were experiencing that same fear of the unknown, that same resistance to change?

Make that determination now. If you discover you are not willing to embark on, to commit to, the journey, ask the Universe, Source, for the willingness to be willing to have willingness to commit to the journey. Repeat that again and again to yourself… slowly… It will eventually make sense.

Much of what I say relates to my recovery from alcoholism, so I mention sobriety a lot. I also have experienced that, without being sober, I didn’t stand a chance to do this healing work. Matter of fact, I used my drinking as an excuse to avoid looking at myself and my life for fear of the pain I would uncover, for fear of the need to make changes in my life.

You have to trust someone, so it may as well be me when I say that uncovering the pain, making changes is, in fact, painful. I won’t deceive you. It is difficult to look at those very wounds which scar your heart, even when wounded years ago. AND, what lies on the other side of the healing, the part of the journey where you’ve gotten past the pain, is so glorious it’s hard to describe. In other words, the journey through the pain is well worth it. So is the venture into the unknown.

The first key to discovering the gates of your heart involves looking at all of your wounds… the old ones, the new ones. List them all out, starting with the incident and then putting a word to how you felt at the time or how you feel today about the wound. For example, I had the wound of being called worthless every day, and from that, I felt worthless and shame for who I was. So, I would write down “being called worthless” and my two words about how I felt would be “worthless and shame.”

Try to make a comprehensive list and just be with it. Be honest. Be with any feelings that arise. Try to do this without self-medicating or you won’t have a chance to do this exercise. Go ahead… list out your wounds, the ones that still affect you today. I’ll see you tomorrow to continue in the process that will lead you to more peace-of-mind.

Filed Under: Healing Emotional Pain, Self Improvement, Sober Living Tagged With: emotional peace, how to find peace, how to get sober, inner peace, living sober, peace, peace of mind, sober, Sober Living, sobriety, stay sober

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